Rebel Rousing #7: Big Brother

[Johnny Rebel]

Rebel’s Rousing #7:
“Big Brother”

“Expect the Unexpected.”

“We’re down to our final two on Season 15 of Big Brother! Who will take home the $500,000 prize? Find out, tonight, live on Big Brother!” said the show’s host as the opening credits rolled, highlighting the previous members of the cast who had been eliminated from the game.

A made-for-TV voice rolls over the scene with the phrase, “Previously on Big Brother!”

The scene focuses on “Simply Put” Johnny Rebel lounging poolside with noted enemy “The Ugly Truth” Anthony Failey sprawled out on the couch, sound asleep, with half a cheeto hanging from his mouth. Meanwhile, Sally Toolfourd is pressed up against a mirror trying to cover the blemishes on her face, while Phil Fatken creeps on her from off in the distance, peering ever-so-slightly from behind the couch.

“It’s a house like no-other where 52 cameras follow your every move, and 92 microphones capture your ever word! This is the Big Brother House! They only have one goal: to be the last person standing! At the beginning of the summer, we saw 13 houseguests enter and tonight, we’ll see one leave as the ultimate grand prizewinner!” the voice narrates the scene.

We ultimately end up live, where both of our final combatants, Rebel and Toolfourd, sitting in one of the chairs in the center of the room.

“Tonight, we see the final battle between Johnny Rebel and Sally Toolfourd, and declare a winner in Big Brother season 15! However, before we get there, we thought we’d take a look back at this seasons most explosive moments…which, oddly, all include Johnny Rebel!”

The crowd snickers at Julie Chin’s quip as the monitors roll back.

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“The Flatulent” Phil Fatken is hunched over the island in the kitchen, unfortunately locked in a conversation with Flea-Jay, while the rest of the house rolls their eyes at Fatken's accusations.

"Of course you put milk in your tea!" Fatken moans. "It's ridiculous to think that you might prepare such a delicacy any other way!"

"What?" Flea-Jay responds in typical meathead fashion.

"You're hopeless!" Fatken responds, seemingly setting Flea-Jay in to a downward spiral.

"You can't speak to me that way!" F.J. responds, barely getting out his drivel, before pounding his chest like a caveman.

It couldn't have possible been a more boring discussion and the rest of the houseguests voted with their feet, leaving the dining room, and sliding the glass door shut behind them. However, Johnny Rebel was always lurking, prepared to pounce at a moment's notice.

"Oh good," Rebel barely raises his eye level from the book that has his attention. "The two biggest nobodies in Asylum are engaged in a discussion over how one drinks their tea. Face it...nobody cares!"

Fatken ponders the abuse coming from Rebel before trying to come up with something. The only response he can muster is a blank stare towards Rebel with a shoulder-shrug.

"Don't be preposterous, Rebel!" Fatken lurches out his first complete sentence of the evening, squeaking out an odor that has become synonymous with the name The Flatulent and Phil Fatken. "I'm easily the most well deserving member of the Asylum roster to win the Big Brother game! After all, I'm the only one that could stomach that Doneky Punch piss that I was forced to drink during last weeks Head of Household competition. If anything, I've been carrying you!"

Fatken's words don't change a defiant Rebel's stance.

"You?" Rebel smirks. "Carry me! Get real, kid! You may have made a few mistakes here but let's not pretend that the spotlight hasn't been on me this entire game! Some would argue that Anthony Bailey is the greatest megastar to ever play this game but who's the only person in the house to take him out twice?"

"You were," Fatken graciously interjects.

"That's about the only thing that you have gotten right this morning!" Rebel proclaims. "The spotlight is not only on me the entire time the cameras are rolling but I am the spotlight! The glow follows me everywhere I go regardless of if I have the golden power of veto despite taking down the greatest player this house has ever seen twice! Whether or not I pull my key out of the box on Sunday, the media is going to go berserk over you for the simple purpose that your name will be mentioned with mine for a few brief moments. All the self-made Twitter pundits will begin to finish their phrases with #teamFatken because I spoke your name a few times in passing."

"But...but...I like tea!" Fatken nervously toots again.

"I promised that when I came to the Big Brother house that I'd eliminate the players that I didn't feel deserved a chance at winning the grand prize and Fatken," Rebel continues, "has as much chance as a professional wrestler entering a match with one arm tied behind his back, which, is what it essentially is with the type of social game you're playing this season!"

Fatken seems legitimately concerned with Rebel's undressing, specifically in the presence of Flea-Jay.

"Nobody wants to partner with you because you are as beneficial as diapers on a monkeys rear! You can't even lie well enough to get someone to consider being a part of your team. I'm simply the best that the house has ever seen and I can't wait to prove it when I send you packing this Sunday evening!"

Fatken runs away, burying his head in his pillow.

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The scene switches to the pool where Sally Toolfourd is laying out by the pool with the top of her bikini top untied and resting over her shoulders. Johnny Rebel is seen swinging on the hammock back and forth with the brim of his sunglasses on his nose, peering at the sunbathing Toolfourd.

"You know, Sally," Rebel begins, the words that almost always mean something derogatory is to follow. "You have really let yourself go..."

Anthony Failey sneers in the background.

"Atwhay everway ouldcay ouyay eanmay?" Toolfourd mumbles back in jargon that nobody else can understand.

Rebel shoots Failey a confused glance, almost demanding an explanation.

"She only speaks in Pig Latin, dude," Failey answers, "It's better than Klingon though, I guess!"

"Do you speak dork?" Rebel asks Failey.

"Like that's even a question!" Anthony sheepishly giggles. "I rarely speak in anything other than dork! She was asking what you meant by your comment about how she's letting herself go."

"Look at her," Rebel raises his nose in disgust, "Aren't you mortified at the thought of that top flying low? My testicles are leaping back up in my scrotum at the thought of getting a glimpse at Toolfourd's lady parts! It's like watching a car wreck...you want to desperately turn away and do everything humanly possible to stop watching, but in the end, you're stuck gauging like a New Jersey Guido trying to sell a back-rub on the Shore!"

"On'tday ebay idiculousray, Ohnnyjay! I'mway oneway inefay
iecepay ofway ailtay!" Toolfourd strikes back.

"Failey?" Rebel asks by shooting a glance to the once proud ruler of the Big Brother game.

"I don't know," Failey cried, "I think she said something about having a tail."

"Well, that wouldn't surprise me by any means! She looks like an Orangoutang that's had one too many litters of pups nursing off her to begin with! Sally, if I go get a flowery moo-moo, will you promise to put away your physique that most closely resembles a beached whale more often?"

"Ouyay on'tday avehay otay ebay uderay!" She cries.

"For pete's sake, speak English, please!" Rebel screams while waving Failey to interpret once again.

"Sally said you didn't have to be so rude," Failey mumbles.

"Rude? Who's being rude? Certainly not me! I'm only telling the truth which is something that is sorely lacking around here! I'm the only guy on the roster that has run circles around the Head of Household each and every time I'm given the opportunity and I'm forced to earn my way the following week! It's absurd and somebody isn't doing their job by actually paying attention to what happens on this ridiculous show! Turn on your at-home cameras and point them towards Toolfourd because I'm getting ready to go on all backstab on her!"

Rebel talks a second to compose his thoughts before launching an offensive again.

"Toolfourd doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell at lasting in this game if she is determined to face me as an equal. She needs to understand her role and know that she can't keep up the pace that I'm setting. While I'm working twice as hard to make sure that I have a final deal with everybody in the game, Toolfourd's too busy playing card games to actually offer anything worthwhile! She isn't my equal now and she won't ever reach those levels while she's in this house. She sure couldn't win against me in the final two and really doesn't have a chance as long as there are people in the house that believe I'm going to carry them to the end."

"Ouyay owknay I'mway ightray erehay, andway Iway ancay earhay
everythingway atthay ou'reyay ayingsay? Ouyay on'tday eednay
otay eakspay inway ethay irdthay ersonpay!" Sally Toolfourd mumbles away.

"It's like talking to an orc," Rebel replied. "Failey?"

"Figure this one out yourself," Failey responded. "In the meantime, I'm going to lay in your hammock for a few moments. Could you please get up?"

Rebel felt it was a reasonable request and hopped off to allow Failey the chance at a relaxing afternoon swaying back and forth on the roped bed. "The Ugly Truth" goes to leap on but immediately flips over, failing to account for the additional wait on the hammock. Rebel simply snickers yet again and laughs at Failey's incompetence.

"And you're supposed to be the savior of the APW Big Brother House? You can't be serious!"

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The scene closes as we fade back to Julie Chin in the Big Brother arena where we are waiting to announce the winner of Big Brother 15!

Let's get to the votes:

"The Flatuent" Phil Fatken votes for........Rebel.
Flea-Jay votes for........Rebel.
"The Ugly Truth" Anthony Failey votes for........Rebel.
Sally Toolfourd votes for........Ebelray.

Finally,

UnLevel-Thirty-Six votes for........Rebel.

"There you have it," Julie says, "The winner of Big Brother 15 by a unanimous vote..."Simply Put" Johnny Rebel!"

Rebel comes bursting through the houseguests door and slaps hands as he walks down the aisle and confetti fills the stage. Rebel simply looks in to the camera and screams:

#SIMPLY
#F'N
#PUT!