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Post by Mark Mania on Oct 3, 2012 14:21:50 GMT -4
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Post by Mark Mania on Oct 4, 2012 11:22:05 GMT -4
Just a bump, because I'm not an asshole who never gives feedback and I don't ask for it normally either.
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Post by Kurt on Oct 4, 2012 11:30:22 GMT -4
Just tagging this so you know you'll receive it within 24 hours.
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Post by Mark Mania on Oct 4, 2012 11:34:46 GMT -4
You're a plain and honest man and I love you for that.
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Post by Reaver on Oct 4, 2012 12:13:23 GMT -4
ill throw my 2 cents in if i can gimme some time
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Post by Level-Two on Oct 4, 2012 13:04:40 GMT -4
Feedback coming within the next day. I owe you it.
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Post by Jason Cashe on Oct 4, 2012 17:12:35 GMT -4
I personally would rather do PM Feedback because a few people on here can't take Public Feedback so well and I'd hate for someone to talk to me badly for some opinion I have. I will slice at you with blades covered in 2 day old shit. Toxic motherfucker so take what I say next as opinion, clear? Haha
So I really like how you've picked up more of the trash talking. A bit thick for paragraphs but it still works out and makes it seem more eWrestling based. Shoot to me is MADE for eWrestling because everything is suppose to be match referenced. Just writing good, well that's nice but there are places where you don't have to write in wrestling for that drama shit. Just my opinion. You however give this a more direct approach and I dig the style to kick things off for sure. Some good points, nothing off topic and it serves you and the read with something to get into right away.
The style of scene you use is nice, I do like the novel like style but just personally I couldn't use it. The coding alone would have me lost as I was writing. But it's good to read when there are colors being used and it's not all white based. Rosa seems sexy, yum-yum and I like the back and forth you have with her. It's smooth and that Nunya joke was old but really came out of nowhere and I really liked it, a literally laughed out loud a bit for it so it entertained at least me. The struggle Mania has with convincing Rosa to understand his worries about her being around Delikado seems legit. Feels it when reading it, I could feel the emotion when she got a little heated about it. I could feel the concern for her safety. It worked to a tee.
Now I'll go into the small parts I thought were funny but a little different for me. Not that I disliked them but thought they might be out of place and irrelevant to the promo. That being the little side OOC comments after someone speaks. "English Major", "People hate it when I call anything they do cute" just seems a bit OOC like you're doing a Ferris Bueller spot. If so, then I can see it working as you progress with it. If it's just comments then it really kind of takes away something, not sure what.
This seemed like an intro to the next part but also seemed OOC-ish until you get to the next part which then helps it make more sense. Maybe a little heads up that you dropped into your own realm for a moment. Then your "Fantasy" of Mania debating, kind of fitting to the character. I can see him doing this and it makes sense, you and Callahan would be amazing together for this reason.
Rosa shaking you back into reality was a nice touch to things though. The short conversation thereafter made things back on pace and I really enjoyed the call into the radio show. You could have promote EFK Radio show and used those friendly fellows and that would have given you an extra point or two from me. This still fit and was done well. Good questions, great answers. It was very fitting to end the promo. In the end, I like the first person view of things but at times like during conversations it kind of comes off more OOC than anything else to me. Again I credit that to you being new to the style and feel as you progress you'll find it coming off better. I really look forward to the next though.
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Post by T-Marv on Oct 4, 2012 17:55:38 GMT -4
Alright Mark, I promised you feedback so here it goes.
Reading it, I thought it was one of your best promos, genuinely.
The introduction was awesome. I really liked it. It really set the tone for your mindset. It didn't really have a whole lot to do with the rest of the promo (at least not in my opinion) But that wasn't really the point was it? You were trying to prep us for Mark Mania, for what he's thinking, for who he is. If that was the point, then bravo my friend.
The scene with Rosa was well done. I love your descriptions and your mental interludes. However I have one small bit of advice and really this is nit picking. Sometimes you go into telling part of the story and it seems a bit long and drawn out. I feel that you could slim it down a bit. For example.
"The reason things have been strained between the two of us lately is that I refuse to talk to her about the Delikado situation. She obviously sees it all unfold on APW television each week, but I don’t want to get her involved in it. I’ve seen how it goes in the APW when women get involved and I’m not talking about Sally Talfourd. The last thing the APW needs is more Amy Nobles and Ellies. That’s why I stopped inviting her to be backstage with me. She’s an employee and a friend, I can’t be responsible if she gets hurt. I know she’s tough, I know she’s capable, but, this isn’t her fight."
this was good, but I thought it could have been trimmed down. Too much reading of long discriptions and such can take away from the actual content. Again, I'm not saying it's bad, but I'm getting nit picky. and the reason I'm getting nit picky, is because the roleplay is so solid I have to in order to give you any constructive criticism.
I also really like how your "story" section interloped match relevancy. That was well done.
I thought the politics/debate interlude was really well done. It gave our brains a break and a breather before the real heavy stuff to come with the trash talk. I have to disagree with Kash (though it's just personal opinion and there are no rights and wrongs with feedback) about the "OOC comments" I didn't feel they were ooc at all and rather thought they brought out something different in your rps. After all, originality is key right?
Not gonna Hit too much into the trash talk section of things. I thought your TT was very good this week, maybe a little short but it didn't matter. It was spot on.
Sorry it's short, but there you go.
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Post by Kurt on Oct 5, 2012 0:24:47 GMT -4
As promised: "This is Why I'm Hot" Critique Haven't read anyone else's feedback, so this is exclusively from my reading. Opening bit was a nice set-up for the RP. Definitely hit the topics that needed addressing. It was maybe a bit long for an opening, or perhaps it just needed to be a bit more spaced out. My only real suggestion here is context. How are we seeing this? Is it a blog, inside Mania's head, etc.? I know there's always leniency for stuff like this, it's just a personal thing for me to wonder how I'm getting this narrative. Liked the elephant line, ha. Nice simile for a vivid image. One thing I can definitely recommend is doing more "showing" instead of "telling." Concrete details are going to win over readers more than direct statements. Even if you simply wrap a simple sentence in a bit of physicality, you'll paint a better picture for your reader. What I mean by this is changing something like this: "The reason things have been strained between the two of us lately is that I refuse to talk to her about the Delikado situation." To this: "Rosa's eyes snapped my slanted, locked lips; she knew I didn't want to talk about Delikado, and my silence on the subject made for many uncomfortable, lingering conversations." My sentence is rough, but hopefully it conveys the point. Don't assume you always have to put an idea in the reader's head; we can draw conclusions from a scene. You do a good job at laying out a perspective, but you can let us fill in a few gaps here and there. Liked the Amy/Ellie connection. Definitely ties you into the overall Overdrive narrative. "Dagger in the heart" > Great instance of showing over telling. This conversation does capture that awkward, strained tone really well with the short sentences and somewhat abrupt answers. I like it. There's a lot of little humorful comment here and there. I think you use them like I use one-liners in monologues; they strike a good note, but do sometimes weaken dramatic comments. You could definitely make the argument that it lightens the scene, so it's more a perception thing, ha. For the segment separating the dream scenario and the opening, use the same red coloring as the opening. You'll create a more cohesive feeling, instead of having this segment stand out because it doesn't stylistically match the rest of the piece. The debate scenario was interesting. Very relevant. Wish it had been developed more to make a connection to the current situation, but I guess it would be hard to tie in. The transition was really good. The monologue was good, if a bit abrupt. Because of the question/answer format, it had a nice flow of ideas that connected with the opening. Not really any more to say about it! Overall, I thought this was a pretty good piece. You took some risks, and they paid off for the most part. It's funny, introspective, and flows pretty nicely; there's just some minor issues that were bumps, but they're fixable. The main aspect to focus on is the telling vs. showing aspect, as I do believe it's the largest hurdle for most writers; once you clear it, you'll find yourself with a more concrete setting and more room to say you what you want to say. Great job bud! |
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Post by Level-Two on Oct 6, 2012 0:37:48 GMT -4
Okay, here we go. I don't do this often but the rare times I do, I end up regretting it! Here's my honest opinion about this Roleplay.
- I'm immediately turned off by the opening introduction. It doesn't help that I'm confused to what this is. I assume it's Mark Mania's thoughts? The only way I can tell this is because the formatting is different from when you trash talk towards the end. At the same time, the way you open your promo sounds like less of your thoughts and more about you verbally speaking about your match and your storylines or what occured the week before.
Now getting a little deeper into what's actually there; I feel like it's a too much of a ''review'' of what occured the week before and not enough about what's going on in the ''now''; you see, the people reading your roleplays already KNOW what has happened - I don't feel like you need to waste time reminding us. With these new roleplay limits it's about being efficent with your space and I feel like this is too much wasted space with no big benfits.
I'd cut down the introduction to smaller paragraphs and keep it shorter and sweeter. Read Terry Marvin's roleplays; he does a pretty good job on his introductions with not re hashing everything but building up what's about to come rather then what's already happened.
Also one last thing I'd like to add that I failed to address below when talking about your trash talk... trim down this opening scene so you add more onto the back end and not have to take anything off of your storytelling.
Moving on...
- I'm happy to see you've adpated your writing style a bit away from the standard script style of writing dialogue. It's a very small difference but it fits your writing style. A guy who can pull of a script style really well would be Delikado oddly enough and that's because I always found script style's to work better with comedic toned roleplayers rather then the novel roleplaying types like myself. So, well done. I always wanted to recomend this to you. Stick with it.
I like your dialogue, you did a good job of selling your feud with Delikado and addressing your match with Envi. The entire roleplay was relevant and that's what the new era of APW focusses on.
Also, a VERY good thing that you do with your roleplays with this new format is that after Mark or Rosa say something you follow it up with some great discription or afterthought. Rather then the basic ''Where are we going? he asked'' stuff I like to do. Now there's reasons why I don't get too fancy with it but it obviously works for you since your roleplay style is meant to make Mark Mania more reflective and personal then usual, so go with it.
My critism about your story is lack of the bigger picture. I'd look at Kurt Noble for ex. of what I am referring too. He (like myself; others too) are able to talk about the match while developing NPC characters and their own mini-archs beyond what is see on the Overdrive shows. Don't get me wrong; your doing this with Rosa a bit with Mark being attracted to Rosa who apparently likes the vagina; I just think you can get more elaborate with it and bring it out a bit more and the more relevant you can make it to wrestling and the character we see on the show, the better.
I really like the first part of the Presidential bit. It's a bit random but you know what? It fucking stands out and it adds some depth to Mark Mania the character outside of the ring. It was a small incerpt so it didn't really distract from anything. I like it. Though, I probably would've have left it after the first discriptive bit rather then have Mark Mania talk about it more in the second part.
Lastly, your interview was well done. You played the role as the face extremely well. I wouldn't do this myself but maybe you should expirement with doing interviews everytime you address your opponnet in a trash talking scenerio because I always have felt your a little soft on that spectrum of direct trash talk... at least in the encounters with me in the past. I still think you can afford to dig into your opponnets a bit more no matter how you do it without losing your touch as a face.
I have no doubt that you'd be able to find the balance. Good luck. In closing, I felt this was one of your best peices I've read in sometime and the results of your win against a guy like Envi speak for themselves.
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Post by Mark Mania on Oct 11, 2012 8:19:29 GMT -4
Thanks for the feedback guys, tough to take it all when I have a shorter RP, but at the very least I tried to make the opening section make sense and have some background.
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