Who Doesn’t Hate the French?

[tuhoa]

Every man, every woman for that matter… We all have a choice. We either choose to live life based on rules created by others, or we decide to march to the beat of our own drum. Me… Do you even have to ask? Just looking at me, you can tell that there’s not a man alive besides myself, that decides the moves I make. But others… Others allow those “above” them, along with material things, to control their lives.

- “The Finnish Phenom” Tuhoa Valo
World of Wrestling Online Interview (10/11/2012)

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-- Who Doesn’t Hate the French? --

The world of professional wrestling today is predominantly dominated by one company, Action Packed Wrestling. President Hurricane Jeff took himself from wrestler, all the way to owner, and has had equal success with both. Some would say that he’s a better promoter than a wrestler, due to the success and income of his APW promotion. He’s definitely made some very smart decision, possessing a business acumen unlike any other.

One of his most recent acquisitions, has the entire wrestling world buzzing. Debuting this past Monday night, The Finnish Phenom Tuhoa Valo, really made the splash that he was looking for. Valo seems poised, energetic, and dangerous… All qualities that make a very successful APW Megastar. However, something just doesn’t seem right. W.O.W.O. has been searching for records, skewering the internet for footage and articles, even pulling our connections together, calling in favors, just to learn more about the Finnish Phenom. Problem is, nobody has a clue who this man is.

Is he a delusional rookie, just trying to make us think that he‘s bigger than he actually is? Is he one of those “been there done that”, “bullshitter” kind of guys? Or is he just trying to make a name for himself, with a loosely clad gimmick? Whatever the case may be, W.O.W.O. has made it our goal, to break this story wide open. When contacted about this breaking story, Tuhoa Valo seemed to shrug it off, laughing at us over the phone. He did however, agree to let us interview him… Only if we could do it in an online web chat. We had our reservations, but were able to come to an agreement with the Finnish Megastar. He would answer any and all of our questions… Only if he could do it from the confines of his own home, and only if he could do it via webcam.

…The following is his interview, word for word, in plain text.[/i]

The Finnish Phenom
I would like to let it be known right away, that I will not allow myself to be placed in any position, that could possibly damage my reputation. You said that you have questions, I will gladly answer them. But any questions regarding my personal life, I will be passing right over.

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
Fair enough, Mr. Valo. It’s got to be quite obvious to you, what my first question is going to be. Even with the amount of “pull” and connections that the World of Wrestling Online possess in the professional wrestling business, we are unable to obtain any past information about you. You stated in an interview with Shane West last week, that you’re a big star where you come from. W.O.W.O. has its fair share of connections in Finland, none of which have a clue who you are. Many are saying that you’re a fraud, a no-name wrestler, only good at self-promotion.

The Finnish Phenom
If I were you Daniel, I’d watch the accusations that you oh-so-easily throw about. I’m not one to take kindly to accusations, especially false accusations. To call Tuhoa Valo a fraud, is to question my integrity! I am a man who possesses more pride and integrity, than any other two people combine! And these so called “connections” that you have, are obviously as fraudulent as your girlfriends orgasms. If they knew anything about Finnish professional wrestling, they’d know exactly who I am! Have you ever heard of “repackaging” a wrestler? Ever heard of a “gimmick”, Daniel? Go back and tell your company, that they need to continue to do their homework. Tuhoa Valo is a huge star, all across the world! I come to America, repackage myself as the Finnish Phenom, and all of the sudden, I’m no longer who I used to be in Finland? Absolutely ludicrous! All of the hard work and dedication that I’ve given over the years, and this is what I get? A lackluster W.O.W.O. company, that probably didn’t know that Crazy Joe was Mark Mania all along? Come on, you guys can do better than that!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
Wait a minute, so you’re telling me that you wrestled in Finland under a different name, a different gimmick?

The Finnish Phenom
That’s why all other countries think that Americans are idiots, it’s because you are. All around the world, Americans are hated and made fun of, because you’re the scum of the human race!

…Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying, Daniel. And if W.O.W.O. had any wrestling fans in their company at all, they’d already know who I wrestled as in Finland. Just because I repackage myself, doesn’t mean that I’m no longer that same talent. If anything, I’ve proven my versatility as an entertainer… Repackaging myself, so that American fans can better enjoy my persona. Americans would much rather watch a fat guy in spandex, parade around a ring telling people to “call their mommas”. They don’t care about the wrestling aspect of “Sports Entertainment”! And while I was brought here as a spectacular professional wrestler, I also have enough intelligence to know that this is a business. And in America, I can’t just be my regular self. I have to be what they call “marketable”. I have to be able to sell tickets, and I have to put eyes in front of television sets. But seeing as how the average American spends more time watching more television than they do anything else, that shouldn’t be too hard for me to do.

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
My apologies, Mr. Valo. I’ll make sure that all articles indicating that you’re a fraud, are pulled as soon as possible. But honestly, care to give us a hint as to who you really are?

The Finnish Phenom
A God among men, that’s who I am. A man who hold more power in his pinky finger, than most people will ever possess in their lifetime. A man of wisdom, integrity, honor, and ability. A fast-thinker, quick on my feet, and as smart as they come. A self-promoter who will tell you exactly what I’m going to do, then go out and do it. Sometimes, I’m as unpredictable as they come. Others, I let you know what’s coming your way. You need not bother with my Finnish wrestling background. The Phenom didn’t come to America to dwell on his past. I came to America, to show so-called “professional wrestlers”, exactly how to get the job done! American wrestling needs someone to give it a “pick-me-up”, and that’s what I’m here to do. You can tell me that many before me have worn the gimmick out, but none of them had the desire, nor the passion that I do! Julius, Stephan, Philip Atken, none of them care about this business, the way that I do! They all at one time, claimed that they would clean up American Wrestling. But me? …I really mean it! So Daniel, don’t concern yourself with the past. Do yourself a favor, focus on there here and now… Otherwise, you might miss something.

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
Well, with that in mind, what about your opponent Monday night? The Frenchman is looking to bounce back after a tag team loss last this past Monday. Do you think that the two of you could go out there and put on a wrestling clinic for the American fans?

The Finnish Phenom
Well, I know that I will. My opponent however, well… I don’t know if you know this or not, but he IS French.

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
I know that, I called him a Frenchman. Wait, do you have a disliking of the French?

The Finnish Phenom
Who doesn’t hate the French? I mean, honestly… Who could possibly like anything about the French? Full of fear, non-violent, and couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag! I can’t stand the French, and neither should you!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
But I strongly believe that Jerome Dubois has proven himself to be in excellent competitor thus-far. You wouldn’t say the same?

The Finnish Phenom
Are you kidding me? You’re talking about a guy who’s most recent appearance in APW, resulted in a loss to Shannell Lewis, and "Mr. 420" himself, Young Mannie. Young Mannie? A man whom I tore to shreds, in my first APW interview with Shane West last week? Young Mannie? You’ve got to be kidding with me, Daniel, you’ve GOT to be kidding with me!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
Actually Mr. Valo, I’m not. Since his return to APW, Young Mannie has proved to be a vicious player on Meltdown. Regardless of his previous track record, I’d like to think that he’s turned the corner, and is proving his worth to Action Packed Wrestling.

The Finnish Phenom
Everyone is entitled to a hot streak, every now and then. But in my eyes, it’s going to take a whole hell of a lot more, than a few wins upon your return. He’s going to have to do a bit more, to earn any kind of respect from me. I know of his track record, and he’s not impressing me, not even in the slightest. But this isn’t about Young Mannie. I was just simply pointing out that Dubois was unsuccessful against him. While Jerome Dubois was failing against “Mr. 420”, I was busy beating the hell out of two men at once. Let’s face it, Dubois even had a tag team partner! Did I have a tag team partner, Daniel?

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
No, I guess you didn’t.

The Finnish Phenom
You’re right, I didn’t! I made my debut, taking out two men! On the exact same telecast, Jerome Dubois couldn’t do the same, even with a tag team partner! So the question isn’t “What does that say about Jerome Dubois?”… The question is “What does that say about Tuhoa Valo?”!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
So I guess it’s safe to say that you’re walking into Monday Night Meltdown pretty confident?

The Finnish Phenom
Why shouldn’t I? Dubois concerns himself more with materialism, while my only concern is this business! I’m not in it for the money, and I’m damn sure not here for the fame. I’m here for one reason, and one reason only! I’m here to bring the SPORT of professional wrestling, back into the spotlight here in America! And how do I do that? I rid Action Packed Wrestling of it’s ailments! Be it Jerome Dubois, be it Young Mannie, or even be it President Jeff himself! I love this damn business, more than I love the air that I breathe! I’m tired of sitting back, and watching this business that I love so much, die a slow and painful death in America! It’s time that someone cleaned it up a bit! And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some Frenchman come in and further drag American wrestling into the shitpile it’s headed into already! You see… Every man, every woman for that matter… We all have a choice. We either choose to live life based on rules created by others, or we decide to march to the beat of our own drum. Me… Do you even have to ask? Just looking at me, you can tell that there’s not a man alive besides myself, that decides the moves I make. But others… Others allow those “above” them, along with material things, to control their lives. And those others that I speak of, those others indeed consist of the likes of Jerome Dubois!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
Well, we seem to have a difference of opinion, on more than one subject. I think that American professional wrestling has every right to be seen in the light that we see it in. It’s a multi-million dollar business, here in the states. I’d say that we’re doing just fine!

The Finnish Phenom
It’s because that Americans have neglected the sport! It’s nothing more than entertainment, now! In other countries, it’s still about the wrestling. But in America? Please! Americans like gimmicks, they could care less about the competition! That’s why I wear this face paint, that’s why I’ve created this image! Maybe if I give into them a little bit, create an image of sorts, maybe then they’ll realize what they’re missing out on. If I can grab their attention with my look, then I can show them the wrestling that other countries see, that they’re all missing out on! No Frenchman could do that, no American either! Therefore, it’s up to me to make an example out of this Frenchman on Monday night. After that, it will be up to me to make an example out of every American that I step into the ring with, or anyone of any nationality for that matter!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
You seem to have an agenda, almost like you’re on a warpath in Action Packed Wrestling.

The Finnish Phenom
I’m on a warpath, that’s for sure. But this “warpath” doesn’t just have to do with APW. It has to do with professional wrestling as a whole, and the way that it’s viewed all around the world. APW prides itself on finding Megastars that are the “total package”. Every now and then, they come across a wrestler that does indeed fit that mold. A Level-One, a Jason Kash, even dare I say an Anthony Bailey… These guys do have the total package. They’re excellent in the ring, on the microphone, and all-around fit their characters to the “T”. Those three men, they’re not gimmicks. What you see from them, that’s what you actually get. But the majority of the APW locker room, shouldn’t even be lacing their boots on the independent scene! Most of them should be selling car insurance, or even selling cars! Some of them are amazing at promoting themselves as actual athletes, that even I have a hard time not buying into it. They’d be amazing car salesmen! But as far as their chosen professions are concerned, they’re not fooling me. I’m a realist, I see right through them. And this warpath, does include exposure. Exposing the frauds of professional wrestling, just like you tried to expose me as a fraud, Daniel. But the difference between your efforts and mine, is the fact that I’ll actually be successful, because I’m actually onto something. My efforts started last week, when I beat the piss out of two men at once, and my efforts continue this week, when I take out a man, who couldn’t even take out two jobbers, all while having his own tag team partner.

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
But just like you said about Young Mannie, when you said that “everyone is entitled to a hot streak”… Isn’t everyone entitled to a bad night, every now and then?

The Finnish Phenom
But to lose the way he did? To lose a tag team match, against two jobbers? Tuhoa Valo could take out Shannell Lewis and Young Mannie by himself, blindfolded! Jerome Dubois couldn’t even do it, with Ashton Daniels by his side! So the way I see it, this Monday should be just as easy as my debut was! I should have no problem, exposing this rich little prick as the fraud he is! Who cares about Dubois, anyway? His trust fund pays for his wrestling training, and all of the sudden, he’s entitled to become a big star? A former World Champion elsewhere? Shane West informed me last week, that World Championships mean nothing in APW, if they’re not FROM APW. So you can say whatever you want about Dubois. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s just as green as the grass grows, and has done nothing to prove himself in Action Packed Wrestling. I’ll expose him on Monday night, you can bet your ass that I’m going to! I plan on making him look like the idiot Frenchman that he is, which shouldn’t be too hard for me to do. And to tell you the truth Daniel, I’m going to thoroughly enjoy doing it! Why? Because I love inflicting pain on other people! I love embarrassing my opponents! And hopefully, I can embarrass him to the point of no return. There’s a very good possibility that after I’m done with him Monday night, we might not ever see the face of Jerome Dubois in APW ever again. Tuhoa… On puhunut!

Daniel Wright (W.O.W.O.)
You do indeed sound ready, there’s no denying that. But what…

The Finnish Phenom
What don’t you understand, Daniel? I said Tuhoa on puhunut!

At this time, the feed from Tuhoa Valo’s webcam cut off. We were unable to reach him to further our interview…