Post by Shadow on Oct 24, 2012 13:40:48 GMT -4
[glow=silver,9,200]NOW...[/glow]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hell. I’m Shadow; I will be your tour guide for the evening. Then, after midnight, I become your warden. Have any of you ever been to Hell before, there’s a lot to it. No; that’s fine. I prefer taking virgins on the ‘scenic route’ anyway. I’m of the mind, that if you get a crash course, like Tek did a few weeks back, you don’t really get the full experience of Hell. And being the swell guy that I am, I want this to be an experience you will never forget.
While some people like to see Hell as a flaming pit of eternal damnation (where the fire does not consume), others prefer to see it as an eternally long line at the DMV. I on the other hand, envision Hell as something a little more sinister. You see folks, Hell is just a word. The reality is something much, much worse. That’s right, I’ve been there a couple of times and Event Horizon got it right. So guess what; I’m taking you all back with me. Strap yourself in; it’s going to be a bumpy ride. By the way, tickets to cosmic dimensions of eternal pain and suffering are extremely expensive. Luckily, with the salary APW provides I was able to buy all of you First Class Tickets. Too bad I’m the only one of us getting the round trip.
Now, before I get underway with the tour, I need to ask; Lively, did you ever find your belt? Rhetorical question moron, I don’t give a rat’s ass if you found it or not. What the hell were they thinking putting you in that title shot at Shockwave, sure Carmen SlutDiego wasn’t much of a champ, but at least she was good to look at, preferably with a pane of glass between us. I never wanted to get too close to her, who knew what kind of third world herpes she had. Speaking of which, Lively you get checked out man? You better before whatever that ho gave you becomes incurable. Plus I don’t want to catch that crap. Give it to your boyfriend Vinnie. We all know the man lusts after you. Jesus, and I’m not talking about you Lively, watching you and him interact on Meltdown was like watching a gay porn.
Let’s get back on track now. I look around and I see a lot of new faces on Meltdown, and that’s to be expected. Young fresh guppies with hearts full of hopes and dreams. Guess it’s time you people learn a wholesome life lesson. Three little words: Too damn bad. All you sitting in the back thinking, “Oh tonight’s my night, I can’t wait I’m going to win the North American Championship!” Too Damn Bad kids. Cause here’s something you young bucks don’t seem to understand; we have a Chain of Command around these parts. Do you know that that is? It’s the chain I’m going to use to beat some respect into each of you. Or into unconsciousness, whichever comes first. Poor bastards, I almost feel sorry for ya’ll.
There’s something that comes to mind when I think about you poor saps, huddled in the corner trying to think of a way to gang up on me. And due to this, I want to borrow a quote from an old friend of mine, may he rest in peace, Michael Clark Duncan. I worked with him on the set of one his last great movies, “The Slammin’ Salmon” and he has a line I think fits with what’s coming and Lively I’m sure your dad said this to many a night; “Don’t run, just take it.” You might think that should have been meant for the other competitor in this match whose about 95% tits and ass, AJP but You’ll understand why no one would want to take her, when I get to that ho later. No Lively, I spent many a night wondering where your hatred of women comes from, only thing I can suspect is your dad spent many a night drilling those lessons into your chocolaty asshole.
Since we’re on the subject of chocolate, Germ, you just can’t catch a break can you, ESPECIALLY in a steel cage match. You tied with me, then lost to me and then lost again this time to a chick. Dude, someone needs to light a fire under your ass. Lucky for you, while you’re in Hell I’m here to do just that. I picked out a special Hell for you. It will remind you of all your failures and shortcomings. One by one the memories will flood your mind as the seconds tick away. Germ, some guy once said the human spirit can never be broken. He was wrong. All it will take is One Night in Hell and I’ll shatter that spirit. Actually, hold on. I will say this, I know I won’t eliminate ALL of you, someone is bound to knock out someone else. But wiping all of you out isn’t the point, neither is the North American Championship. No, the belt is just a perk. Tonight people, the lesson is: suffering. I plan to make each of you suffer. Some may get a little, others will get a lot. Lively, gets the most.
But back to that poor pathetic prick whose parents must have truly hated him because they named him Germ. They realized the moment you took your first breath you were nothing but a plague, a pestilence. So you rose to the occasion and claimed your name, Pestilence and thought you’d become top dog. Come riding into APW on your black horse (no that’s not a racist comment) talking all kinds of crap only to fall at the hands of the Usher of Darkness. Now where are you? Going straight to Hell, that’s where you’re going. Don’t feel bad, we’re all going there Germ. But while you bitches are just passengers, I’m the pilot.
Penis-ton how do you like APW? That’s another rhetorical question dumbass, don’t answer. So you stole the belt from Michael Lively. Nice job, but like I told that hot little piece of ass that kicked yours on Meltdown, it isn’t all about belts Vinnie. But seeing as how a chick knocked you out in the Steel Cage, I can see why you’d HAVE to steal the championship, you obviously can’t win it.
To be honest, I thought you had potential. I believed some new big Billy bad ass wanted to bark at the big dog for the top spot on Meltdown. Problem is you picked the wrong dog. Lively may be the North American Champion (Temporarily mind you) but I’m the big dog here boy, and I don’t bark. Put up or shut up Vinnie. Seeing as you can’t do either, step up. I was surprised refused Diamond didn’t book me against you over the past few weeks. Then I realized, he saw the same potential in you I did. He knew that Shadow versus Penis-ton could only take place at a Pay Per View. Oh and if you’re wondering how you got that name, stop shaving your head and I’ll address you by your given name. There is no reason a man should WANT to walk around looking like a penis. If you want to be bald, do what Carlin did- wait awhile. Since you have no patience Vinnie, your Hell will make sure you never grow hair again. I think I’ll Sweet Tooth your ass; that sounds about right. Give you a real “mean” look. Hell, those burns will be an improvement. While no man should want to look like a penis, no straight man in his right mind would want to stare at one let alone handle it in the ring with a bunch of other grown men. Vinnie, you’re a walking gay joke. No strike that, you’re just a joke. You hear me Triple X?
Triple X, I like those movies. While some people may think the porn industry is immoral, I support it whole-heartedly. So do the Japanese, just they like that freaky ass weird shit, God Bless America. And we even got a woman in this match who looks like she’s done a porno or two. Parker, I meant every word I said on Meltdown: for example nice rack. You know I got this bus back in Texas we can get a video camera and a bus driver and just make a real star outta your ass. Get you out of this hostile environment.
Now, don’t go crying to Jeff about me being sexist. You want misogyny, go to Michael Lively. No, I’m not after you Parker; I know you already have yourself a bottom. I just plan on driving the bus while we make you a real star. I’m not into chicks with dicks like your sissy is. I really meant what I said on Meltdown, Parker. You got bigger balls than your boyfriend; we all know who calls the shots behind closed doors.
Since I’ve mentioned your playmate, let’s talk about Logan. I saw your display on Daniels last week, almost worth commenting on...almost. You’ve had it pretty easy lately but you are in a real bad place in this match. One, your bitch is probably going to stab you in the back during this match. She’s a chick, you can’t trust her. Second, how are you going to protect the one you “love” when you won’t be able to protect yourself? Think about it Logan.
Your greatest weakness is in this match, and ‘she’ (I use that term lightly) is in a Last Man Standing match. You thought her cage match was brutal, you got another ting coming. I’m not saying I’ll exploit your weakness, but leeches like Lively will latch onto that in a heartbeat. Like I stressed earlier, Lively hates women and despite her obvious hermaphroditic testicular fortitude, she looks like one. Logan your Hell is watching the “woman” you care deeply for being pulled apart by ravenous dogs. As for Parker... I hope you’re a dog lover.
Now let’s talk about the other dawg in this match: Mannie. And since we’re on the subject of watching the people you care about be brutalized by beasts; Mannie, how did it feel when you watched me take your girl’s head off? Hurt didn’t it? I bet it did. Mannie, did you know that when I hit that clothesline she choked on her own tongue? That’s what you get for sticking your nose in my business. I was having fun tossing your little Willy around and then you come in like a chump and hit a man from behind. I had no intention on laying into her, but because you didn’t have the balls to come at me face to face, I figured I’d rearrange hers.
Mannie, your Hell is simple. Remember the time I Spartan kicked your ass out of my ring? This time we might as well be on the set of 300. Then as you’re plummeting into the endless void you can look up and watch the light fade into the distance, just like you’re dreams of ever accomplishing anything in APW. This is the fate of all druggies. This has been Shadow’s monthly Public Service Announcement: Stay Drug Free kids.
Listen Mr. 420, I’ve told you multiple times I don’t agree with your drug using lifestyle. Not because I think it’s wrong, no, you don’t bring that into this business. It clouds your judgment and makes you sloppy. It’s like drinking. President Jeff wouldn’t let anyone wrestle drunk, they’re a liability. Like our last meeting on Meltdown, I am here to rectify that. Then again with all the pot you’ve smoked I doubt you even remember that.
Seeing as we’re taking a stroll down memory lane let’s talk about Streets. I’d almost forgot about you. Then you went and won yourself a main event and put yourself back on my radar. Nice job son. I got to hand it to you; you sure know how to pick at my leftovers. I’m not complaining though. It gave me time to get one up on Lively. But Streets with your bad knees, horrible eyesight, thinning gray hair and sandpaper skin, how the hell do you intend to stay standing throughout this match; are we going to watch you walking around the ring like a Marionette, strings dangling from the ceiling and all? If that be the case I’m cutting your strings right now, Streets.
Well no, I’m going to cut all but one. I plan to leave that last one wrapped around your neck as I dangle you above the pit, Streets. Then when I’m finally done laughing at you I’ll snip that one and watch you descend into darkness with Mannie. I can only suspect that it gets lonely down there in the abyss. He could use some company for all eternity.
Given that I’ve been shooting my mouth off about how I intend to inflict all these torments on you assholes; I think I should take a second to humble myself. Because I’ve been to Hell before, I’ve endured the same hardships many of you will face and I am certain that there is something waiting in the wings for me, aside from the championship with my name on it. I’m sure each of you has a little piece of Hell you want to share. Not that I care, I personally believe the Hell I have to go through tonight is being stuck in the ring with pecker heads like Penis-ton, drug monkeys like Mannie, a shemale and her sissy, someone with a disease for a name and Streets Wilson. But all I have to say kids is...Go Ahead, Make My Day! I’ve waited for someone to be able to bite the big dog on his ass. Any of you bitches got what it takes to be a champion? The current one doesn’t, and it’s time for the next generation to set up or step aside. I’ve been called the man to beat on Meltdown. And Warden Shadow has no intention of making it easy for you’ll.
And as for Lively, welcome to Thunderdome bitch. Wait sorry folks. Welcome to Tokyo-dome bitch. It seems only fitting I leave the real woman in this match for last. Listening to you bitch is like being at a strip club when they’re all on the rag. Blah blah blah, I’m Michael Lively, I’m your Jesus, I want my title back. Do us all a favor and just shut the hell up. Lively I saved you for last for other reasons. While all the others get their own little slice of Hell Mike, you’re still getting the most. I’d love to drag your lifeless carcass to the end of the match and put you away for the ultimate win, I don’t intend to. Instead I want you out early. That way you have time to wake up and watch them crown a real champion.
It’s eating away at you Lively, I can see it, those little twitches and ticks. You’re so close to breaking, so close. You’re going to snap, whether it happens during or after the match, you’ll break. And that whole tough guy façade, that whole messiah-complex will crumble to dust. Then all that will remain is the shell of a man stuck with a participation trophy. No one else is getting on, only you. It’s not because I blew all my money on a damn spaceship with a gravity drive to take us all to Hell, no it’s because I won’t patronize the other people in this match by giving them something so meaningless. Seeing as I’ll be stripping you of that belt tonight, I want you to have something else to remember this moment by. Something you can keep forever, unlike the title, something to remind you that you’ll always just be a participant and was never a true Champion.
A true champion is a winner. Since Shockwave how many matches have I really lost folks? Contrary to the fact that you people may think I have more hubris that Odysseus, I understand humility. I keep my pride in check, if I didn’t I’d be running my mouth about how I’d eliminate everyone but I didn’t. I know my limits. That’s the whole point and tonight we’re going to find out what ya’ll are. I’ve lost a match here and there but since Shockwave the only ‘loss’ I’ve endured is when Mannie prematurely ejaculated all over Lively on September 3rd. Mannie, you just couldn’t stand watching me beat the champ...again, that’s it. To damn bad Mannie, tonight that’s just what I plan to do. Last Man Standing people, One Night in Hell. Ten seconds folks. Every second that ticks away you will see the lights go dimmer. As the clock counts down your eyes will flutter shut and your heart rate will slow. It’s almost like dying. Then comes the roar, the howl of the deep dark abyss. It reverberates off your bones making your teeth chatter. Only a few seconds remain. The blood slowly throbs in your ear, drowned by the deafening darkness. Three seconds. Your heart will skip a beat. Two seconds. You draw in that last breath. One second then you give up the ghost. Boom. That roar wakes you back up the moment you hear your name preceded by the word “Eliminated.” That roar of the cheering fans as there standing before all of you, the new North American Champion: The Usher of Darkness, Shadow. Welcome to Hell folks, try and get comfortable, you’re going to be there awhile. Last Man Standing, it won’t be quick, not this time, and because of that its just going to be that much more painful. Last Call, all aboard. Let’s take a second and go over the in flight safety procedure. Keep your seat belt fastened at all times, no talking, no arguing and in the event of crash landing, just put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!
