Post by Jules on Oct 27, 2012 7:44:14 GMT -4
The scene opens inside a Tokyo Bar. The number one submission wrestler in the world, “Quintessentially English” Julius Farquhar is sat on a bar stool being doted on by some geisha-type. He clops over making a right racket with the sound of footsteps, carrying a tray containing a small ornately decorated vessel. Julius Farquhar takes the cup from the tray, takes a sip and looks directly at the camera.
“After a hard day’s work twisting limbs I like nothing more than the taste of something ‘Quintessentially Japanese’.”
Julius downs the rest of the drink and delivers a little wink and his winning smile to the camera.
“Kokuryu Black Dragon Sake – it’s number one.”
CUT!
Now the scene is a bustling studio set. Julius steps down off the stool and heads off the set as the director chirps away in Japanese lingo.
Julius: Yes, yes, that is a wrap.
He ignores Director-San as he continues to chirp on and is joined by his two-man entourage of Barry Hoskins and APW reporter Phil.
Barry: Fantastic work, Mr. Farquhar; I thought I was watching Cary Grant for a few moments.
Julius: Yes, I did make him look positively mundane in comparison. What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Uh...I’m sure it will do wonders for your popularity here.
Julius: I have no doubts this vile drink will now surge in demand. What is it anyway?
Phil: It’s sake, a famous Japanese rice wi-
Julius: It tastes like some urban fox urinated in my cup. Positively vile stuff! Give me a steaming hot cup of Early Grey any day of the week.
Some stagehand offers Jules a plate of dim sum. The Tap Out Champion takes one, takes a bite and spits it out immediately.
Julius: Ugh! What on earth was that?
Phil: They are steamed dumplings called dim sum.
Julius: I am not surprised – they taste like something made by a retarded child.
Phil starts to interject, but he thinks better off it, shakes his head and changes the subject.
Phil: Anyway the director wants to do another take.
Julius: Forget him! I have had enough of this lot; they can make do with what I have given them already.
Phil: But Jules, they are paying you $50,000 to do this.
Julius: They should be paying quadruple that for my name alone. Besides, I cannot understand a thing these people are saying: when they talk it sounds like hyena sneezing with a lisp. And what are all these scribbling I see everywhere? Is it bring your child to work to decorate day?
Phil looks at what Julius is pointing at.
Phil: Jules! That’s their language – it’s how they write. It’s called calligraphy.
Julius: It is not English, so it is barbaric in my eyes.
The director’s assistant returns and does what Jules interprets as his impression of a hyena sneezing with a lisp.
Julius: What is he saying, Barry?
Barry: He says the director wants to shoot again in five minutes.
Julius: Go tell him I am leaving.
Barry: What if he protests?
Julius: Tell him he will wish the Yanks dropped another bomb on this swamp when I am through with him.
Julius pushes Barry off to carry out the errand.
Phil: I still don’t think you’re getting the hang of this ‘crowd pleasing’ thing.
Julius: Listen Phil, I am incensed that some mental deficient in management decided to bring this show to this uncivilised place; I have no desire to curry favour around here.
Phil: But the Japanese are wrestling mad. Make a good impression and you could build up quite a fan base here.
Julius: This lot will recognise me as their saviour when they see twist TJ into a bowl of rice noodles on Sunday. I do not need to drink their fermented dog’s sweat and eat their rubbery leftovers to gain approval. Besides, they are a bit prawn crackers by the sounds of them.
Phil: For the umpteenth time, Jules, that’s just how they speak?
Julius: Speech, eh? They are about as coherent as that German I caught Raabies from the other week.
Phil: Hmmm, how is the recovery form that going?
Julius: The doctor says I will make a full recovery; although I must confess the occasional urge to take up the role of keyboard warrior.
Phil: And the aftershave?
Julius: Eau de Sauerkraut?
Phil: You sold it?
Julius: Not a drop. Odious stuff.
Barry returns with the director, who begins to shout at Julius in Japanese, not without spitting all over the Tap Out Champion, and to his mind resembling an irate chimpanzee.
Julius: Okay calm down. Barry, tell Dim Sum here that if he does not put a Sake in it I will show him the “Quintessentially English” interpretation of Bruce Lee.
Barry relays the message; the director starts shouting even louder in Japanese. Julius drops into horse stance and tries a chop to the shoulder, but the director blocks, delivers a snappy palm strike to the face off Julius and then lands a kick to the nuts. Julius drops to his knees and winces.
Japanese Director: Bruce Lee is Chinese! But I still kick your ass, moron!
The director lets out a hysterical laugh before turning back to his set as the scene fades.
*
“After a hard day’s work twisting limbs I like nothing more than the taste of something ‘Quintessentially Japanese’.”
Julius downs the rest of the drink and delivers a little wink and his winning smile to the camera.
“Kokuryu Black Dragon Sake – it’s number one.”
CUT!
Now the scene is a bustling studio set. Julius steps down off the stool and heads off the set as the director chirps away in Japanese lingo.
Julius: Yes, yes, that is a wrap.
He ignores Director-San as he continues to chirp on and is joined by his two-man entourage of Barry Hoskins and APW reporter Phil.
Barry: Fantastic work, Mr. Farquhar; I thought I was watching Cary Grant for a few moments.
Julius: Yes, I did make him look positively mundane in comparison. What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Uh...I’m sure it will do wonders for your popularity here.
Julius: I have no doubts this vile drink will now surge in demand. What is it anyway?
Phil: It’s sake, a famous Japanese rice wi-
Julius: It tastes like some urban fox urinated in my cup. Positively vile stuff! Give me a steaming hot cup of Early Grey any day of the week.
Some stagehand offers Jules a plate of dim sum. The Tap Out Champion takes one, takes a bite and spits it out immediately.
Julius: Ugh! What on earth was that?
Phil: They are steamed dumplings called dim sum.
Julius: I am not surprised – they taste like something made by a retarded child.
Phil starts to interject, but he thinks better off it, shakes his head and changes the subject.
Phil: Anyway the director wants to do another take.
Julius: Forget him! I have had enough of this lot; they can make do with what I have given them already.
Phil: But Jules, they are paying you $50,000 to do this.
Julius: They should be paying quadruple that for my name alone. Besides, I cannot understand a thing these people are saying: when they talk it sounds like hyena sneezing with a lisp. And what are all these scribbling I see everywhere? Is it bring your child to work to decorate day?
Phil looks at what Julius is pointing at.
Phil: Jules! That’s their language – it’s how they write. It’s called calligraphy.
Julius: It is not English, so it is barbaric in my eyes.
The director’s assistant returns and does what Jules interprets as his impression of a hyena sneezing with a lisp.
Julius: What is he saying, Barry?
Barry: He says the director wants to shoot again in five minutes.
Julius: Go tell him I am leaving.
Barry: What if he protests?
Julius: Tell him he will wish the Yanks dropped another bomb on this swamp when I am through with him.
Julius pushes Barry off to carry out the errand.
Phil: I still don’t think you’re getting the hang of this ‘crowd pleasing’ thing.
Julius: Listen Phil, I am incensed that some mental deficient in management decided to bring this show to this uncivilised place; I have no desire to curry favour around here.
Phil: But the Japanese are wrestling mad. Make a good impression and you could build up quite a fan base here.
Julius: This lot will recognise me as their saviour when they see twist TJ into a bowl of rice noodles on Sunday. I do not need to drink their fermented dog’s sweat and eat their rubbery leftovers to gain approval. Besides, they are a bit prawn crackers by the sounds of them.
Phil: For the umpteenth time, Jules, that’s just how they speak?
Julius: Speech, eh? They are about as coherent as that German I caught Raabies from the other week.
Phil: Hmmm, how is the recovery form that going?
Julius: The doctor says I will make a full recovery; although I must confess the occasional urge to take up the role of keyboard warrior.
Phil: And the aftershave?
Julius: Eau de Sauerkraut?
Phil: You sold it?
Julius: Not a drop. Odious stuff.
Barry returns with the director, who begins to shout at Julius in Japanese, not without spitting all over the Tap Out Champion, and to his mind resembling an irate chimpanzee.
Julius: Okay calm down. Barry, tell Dim Sum here that if he does not put a Sake in it I will show him the “Quintessentially English” interpretation of Bruce Lee.
Barry relays the message; the director starts shouting even louder in Japanese. Julius drops into horse stance and tries a chop to the shoulder, but the director blocks, delivers a snappy palm strike to the face off Julius and then lands a kick to the nuts. Julius drops to his knees and winces.
Japanese Director: Bruce Lee is Chinese! But I still kick your ass, moron!
The director lets out a hysterical laugh before turning back to his set as the scene fades.
*
The Quintessentially English Podcast #4
Funny things, words. Spoken by the tongue of a righteous mind and they can extol the beauty and truth of reality. By the mouth of the wicked they can be twisted in a sinister and malevolent force. Let us consider the term ‘Guerrilla solider’: to one man this phrase denotes a fearless and uncompromising freedom-fighter; to another it connotes a savage, sadistic, and single-minded terrorist. ‘Goodness’ is that which brings about happiness, according to the hedonist; it is the virtue given to actions in accord with duty, as another sees it. Then we have ‘stubbornness’. There are some individuals who think of this quality as inspiring toughness of spirit, as being fixed and determined about one’s goal. Others, may think of the ‘stubborn’ person as one who unreasonably obstinate, as a fool who resists for the sake of resisting, irrespective of its merit or purpose.
Funny things, words.
But it’s not words that win wrestling matches and claim championship belts, it’s what we do inside the ring that matter, and matter alone in spite of any twist we try to make through words. As ‘stubborn’ as TJ wants to make himself out to be, as though such foolishness were a virtue, it does not change the facts about the acts themselves: I, Julius Farquhar, still hold the APW Tap Out Championship. I, Julius Farquhar, have still never been beaten by TJ in a significant battle. I, Julius Farquhar, have proven through my deeds alone that I am singular in my status as the most dangerous submission wrestler in the world.
TJ wants the whole world to kneel before him and worship his large frame because he has proven himself to be obstinate. His persistence, I confess, has an admirable quality to it, but it does not change a single thing about the facts that are clear and evident. On the contrary, the facts only serve to point out the danger this foolishness puts him in.
If TJ were sat in this comfortable sitting room with me right now as I broadcast to the world, I would be forced to sit him down and spell out, word for word, the situation he finds himself faced with because he has quite evidently failed to grasp the gravity of his situation.
I would say: TJ, my dear fellow, you have excelled yourself in your capacity to resist and show the world your strength in the face of extreme adversity. But, old bean, have you not learnt that such stubbornness only leads to catastrophe. Let us examine the lessons of history: In 1912, on its maiden voyage, the famous Titanic was led to infamous disaster through the foolish obstinacy of its Captain. Everything in his experience told him he ought not to proceed at such speed in such treacherous conditions; but he gave in to folly and with went the lives of thousands.
Think analogously TJ: I am the iceberg and you are the ship. You try to run all over me and you will find only destruction; you try to sidestep me towards success and I promise to cut you open like a can of baked beans.
What you do not seem to understand TJ is that this final battle we are about to engage in does not favour the stubborn man. As much as you want to boast that you have survived everything I have thrown at you, as proud as you are of the fact that you were able to sustain the torture of the Windsor Knot for one full minute, you are forgetting the real perils of this encounter.
You are about to enter an environment that is not bound by limits. This is not a sixty second challenge, TJ; this is not a situation where the Asylum security will be able to intervene; this is not a match from which I can expect any recompense for my actions – no threats from Reginald Schmidt can curtail my plans. TJ, in this ‘I Quit’ match I will have free reign to do whatever I want, to explore and test your soul with very instrument in my wrestling bag. I applaud you for surviving what no other wrestler has withstood for more than a few seconds, and, furthermore, lasting sixty seconds in the Windsor Knot. That was some feat. But do you think you could repeat that ‘stubbornness’ for ten minutes, for twenty, or even a whole hour?
Make no mistake, old chap, it is not merely a title opportunity on the line in Tokyo, it is your entire career as you know it. You may protest that no-one will ever take away your career, and I agree not even someone with my powers to break bones and joints can promise that, but whatever the outcome know this, you may wrestle again, but you will never wrestle again as you did before. It is not just my Tap Out Title, and the status as the most dangerous submission wrestler in the world, I intend on retaining, I also want to bring home with me your wrestling soul.
Ask yourself TJ, is all of that really worth a little bit of ‘stubbornness’?
Yes, if TJ were here with me today I would be forced to say all of this to him, but I already know the answer. I can feel it in my bones, I can see it in his eyes; I have already begun to break the bear, in Tokyo I plan on implementing full submission.
That leaves me to consider those people who remain unconvinced.
This Sunday I intend to be my crowning glory, the day when the world recognised the arrival of the “Quintessentially English Empire” and its intent to remain. I have heard the boos from the crowd to greet my arrival, as well as the cheers that welcome TJ. But I urge you to reconsider: I am not the enemy here; I am come bringing prosperity and “Quintessentially English Justice” for all.
Let us not forget who is the criminal in all of this. Yes, TJ has served time in a federal penitentiary, but he has committed the even bigger crime of opposing justice and righteousness. Let us not forget how he bullied his way into this match, how he jumped the queue for a title shot ahead of more deserving wrestlers like Mr. Dangerous and Stefan Raab. He has lied and he has stolen to get here: his lie is his so-called stance for good; the theft he commits every single time he steps into the ring and purports to stand up for the people, all the while stealing, bit by bit, their trust and their dignity.
Well let me inform you of the truth. TJ may set himself up as some kind of Robin Hood figure and suggest I am the nasty Sheriff of Nottingham, however this is not some fairy tale for gullible children; this is real life. In my world criminals do not get to live as outlaws and profit from the hard work of the righteous; they are made accountable to justice. I intend on upholding that principle; the sword of Quintessentially English Justice I bear has a sharp blade and my aim is unerring. Make no mistake about that.
TJ wants me to be thankful that I am even in this match, but like every deceiving charlatan he takes more than he offers. Well no more!
In Tokyo the tables will turn, old boy, but the question will not be of you being offered my gratitude, but whether you will plead for my mercy.
I will not quit on my aim to become the best submission wrestler in history.
I will not quit on my glorious reign as Tap Out Champion.
I will not quit on my promise to make Asylum the “Quintessentially English” brand.
I will not quit until I hear you utter those two words...
I will not quit until you, TJ, are finished by the force of my very hands.
I will not quit....and you will PAY HOMAGE!
Funny things, words. Spoken by the tongue of a righteous mind and they can extol the beauty and truth of reality. By the mouth of the wicked they can be twisted in a sinister and malevolent force. Let us consider the term ‘Guerrilla solider’: to one man this phrase denotes a fearless and uncompromising freedom-fighter; to another it connotes a savage, sadistic, and single-minded terrorist. ‘Goodness’ is that which brings about happiness, according to the hedonist; it is the virtue given to actions in accord with duty, as another sees it. Then we have ‘stubbornness’. There are some individuals who think of this quality as inspiring toughness of spirit, as being fixed and determined about one’s goal. Others, may think of the ‘stubborn’ person as one who unreasonably obstinate, as a fool who resists for the sake of resisting, irrespective of its merit or purpose.
Funny things, words.
But it’s not words that win wrestling matches and claim championship belts, it’s what we do inside the ring that matter, and matter alone in spite of any twist we try to make through words. As ‘stubborn’ as TJ wants to make himself out to be, as though such foolishness were a virtue, it does not change the facts about the acts themselves: I, Julius Farquhar, still hold the APW Tap Out Championship. I, Julius Farquhar, have still never been beaten by TJ in a significant battle. I, Julius Farquhar, have proven through my deeds alone that I am singular in my status as the most dangerous submission wrestler in the world.
TJ wants the whole world to kneel before him and worship his large frame because he has proven himself to be obstinate. His persistence, I confess, has an admirable quality to it, but it does not change a single thing about the facts that are clear and evident. On the contrary, the facts only serve to point out the danger this foolishness puts him in.
If TJ were sat in this comfortable sitting room with me right now as I broadcast to the world, I would be forced to sit him down and spell out, word for word, the situation he finds himself faced with because he has quite evidently failed to grasp the gravity of his situation.
I would say: TJ, my dear fellow, you have excelled yourself in your capacity to resist and show the world your strength in the face of extreme adversity. But, old bean, have you not learnt that such stubbornness only leads to catastrophe. Let us examine the lessons of history: In 1912, on its maiden voyage, the famous Titanic was led to infamous disaster through the foolish obstinacy of its Captain. Everything in his experience told him he ought not to proceed at such speed in such treacherous conditions; but he gave in to folly and with went the lives of thousands.
Think analogously TJ: I am the iceberg and you are the ship. You try to run all over me and you will find only destruction; you try to sidestep me towards success and I promise to cut you open like a can of baked beans.
What you do not seem to understand TJ is that this final battle we are about to engage in does not favour the stubborn man. As much as you want to boast that you have survived everything I have thrown at you, as proud as you are of the fact that you were able to sustain the torture of the Windsor Knot for one full minute, you are forgetting the real perils of this encounter.
You are about to enter an environment that is not bound by limits. This is not a sixty second challenge, TJ; this is not a situation where the Asylum security will be able to intervene; this is not a match from which I can expect any recompense for my actions – no threats from Reginald Schmidt can curtail my plans. TJ, in this ‘I Quit’ match I will have free reign to do whatever I want, to explore and test your soul with very instrument in my wrestling bag. I applaud you for surviving what no other wrestler has withstood for more than a few seconds, and, furthermore, lasting sixty seconds in the Windsor Knot. That was some feat. But do you think you could repeat that ‘stubbornness’ for ten minutes, for twenty, or even a whole hour?
Make no mistake, old chap, it is not merely a title opportunity on the line in Tokyo, it is your entire career as you know it. You may protest that no-one will ever take away your career, and I agree not even someone with my powers to break bones and joints can promise that, but whatever the outcome know this, you may wrestle again, but you will never wrestle again as you did before. It is not just my Tap Out Title, and the status as the most dangerous submission wrestler in the world, I intend on retaining, I also want to bring home with me your wrestling soul.
Ask yourself TJ, is all of that really worth a little bit of ‘stubbornness’?
Yes, if TJ were here with me today I would be forced to say all of this to him, but I already know the answer. I can feel it in my bones, I can see it in his eyes; I have already begun to break the bear, in Tokyo I plan on implementing full submission.
That leaves me to consider those people who remain unconvinced.
This Sunday I intend to be my crowning glory, the day when the world recognised the arrival of the “Quintessentially English Empire” and its intent to remain. I have heard the boos from the crowd to greet my arrival, as well as the cheers that welcome TJ. But I urge you to reconsider: I am not the enemy here; I am come bringing prosperity and “Quintessentially English Justice” for all.
Let us not forget who is the criminal in all of this. Yes, TJ has served time in a federal penitentiary, but he has committed the even bigger crime of opposing justice and righteousness. Let us not forget how he bullied his way into this match, how he jumped the queue for a title shot ahead of more deserving wrestlers like Mr. Dangerous and Stefan Raab. He has lied and he has stolen to get here: his lie is his so-called stance for good; the theft he commits every single time he steps into the ring and purports to stand up for the people, all the while stealing, bit by bit, their trust and their dignity.
Well let me inform you of the truth. TJ may set himself up as some kind of Robin Hood figure and suggest I am the nasty Sheriff of Nottingham, however this is not some fairy tale for gullible children; this is real life. In my world criminals do not get to live as outlaws and profit from the hard work of the righteous; they are made accountable to justice. I intend on upholding that principle; the sword of Quintessentially English Justice I bear has a sharp blade and my aim is unerring. Make no mistake about that.
TJ wants me to be thankful that I am even in this match, but like every deceiving charlatan he takes more than he offers. Well no more!
In Tokyo the tables will turn, old boy, but the question will not be of you being offered my gratitude, but whether you will plead for my mercy.
I will not quit on my aim to become the best submission wrestler in history.
I will not quit on my glorious reign as Tap Out Champion.
I will not quit on my promise to make Asylum the “Quintessentially English” brand.
I will not quit until I hear you utter those two words...
I will not quit until you, TJ, are finished by the force of my very hands.
I will not quit....and you will PAY HOMAGE!
