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Post by Kurt on Oct 30, 2012 19:44:31 GMT -4
Well, to start making up for my lack of attention around here, I'm going to do another "Instant feedback" to allow me to be a post whore help out the community.
Rules are simple, and basically the same as last time; you link me to an RP of yours, and within 24 hours, you'll receive feedback (public or private) from me on that work within 24 hours of your post. It'll be somewhat in-depth, as per my usual; I don't just say "it was good" or "it needs work."
If I fail to provide you feedback after the 24 hours, one sentence of your choosing will go in my signature for an entire month. Whatever you'd like...just don't be too profane. Don't wanna hurt the little one's eyes!
However, since tomorrow is Halloween, I'll throw in a bonus; if you provide me with a link to a topic where you've feedbacked a show or RP within the last week, you'll earn a small favor to be used whenever you like. It could be critiquing a later RP, a phrase in my sig, writing a segment with you, basically anything that isn't too grandiose or time-killing on my behalf, ha. That one's up to you...but only if you've done feedback prior to this post, not after it! ;D
Time starts...now!
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Post by Michael Callahan on Oct 30, 2012 19:48:33 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece?
Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse.
Thanks.
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Post by Kurt on Oct 30, 2012 19:49:45 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece? Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse. Thanks. Request denied.... Just kidding. Yeah, I can do that. ;D |
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Post by President Jeff on Oct 30, 2012 20:00:42 GMT -4
Feedback One Night in Hell  You owe me one remember ;D |
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Post by A.C. Smith on Oct 30, 2012 20:05:14 GMT -4
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Post by Evan De Parker on Oct 30, 2012 21:52:44 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Oct 31, 2012 11:26:20 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece? Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse. Thanks. I was in a very similar situation after my first three months here. I had come in with a huge momentum, but felt it wasn't translating to shows, especially after I lost the Overdrive Title. The first question is to ask yourself: What's changed since then? I largely consider you beating Sam at Mayhem the defining moment of your momentum, so I suggest you compare those to see how you've changed since then. If you see some changes in your style/content that you feel have negatively affected you, you have a starting point. If you can't find any changes... There's your problem. There needs to be gradual change from then to now. Writing the same way, with minor thematic changes is eventually going to give you a similar feeling in your writing. It's comfortable, but isn't exciting. Pushing boundaries is going to get you back on a solid track. For example, at the start of the year, I was wondering how to get a bit of momentum going for my character. That's when I introduced the "Nobledrive" concept, which wasn't just the monologue. I implemented changes like... - Quickening my writing style (starting more In Medias Res) - Incorporating more technological/image based concepts, even if I wasn't always using images (I quote Twitter for this effect, usually). - Giving Noble a defining characteristic that would define him (Nobledrive itself) - And, of course, the monologue itself. I'm not saying do these things, but do something that changes it up, and allows you to stand-out. Asylum is monologue-heavy because of restricted word count, so how can you be different? Can you vary up your style from opening sensory details - paragraph - action - paragraph - etc.? I would recommend starting quicker (not with detailed paragraphs or a quote, which is how I always used to start, but with a line of dialogue that sets the scene). Start experimenting with RP techniques and out of the blue concepts. Start incorporating aspects that greater define Callahan's character: Twitter polls, ballots that form the RP, or something more permanent that changes your style a bit. You won't find it overnight, so try out different techniques as you change your character, and you'll find something that clicks. I was one of the people who assumed you would be the Heavyweight Champ by years end, and I'd still like to see that happen. I hope this helps, and please feel free to contact me if you need any specific advice on a concept or change. Hope this helps! |
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Post by Kurt on Oct 31, 2012 12:17:40 GMT -4
Because it's two RPs, I'll go with more general feedback opposed to specific instances from both RPs. First off, you have my attention at the titles alone. This is an example of how you grab reader attention with a set of titles, as I can already see the theme and continuity being established. Let's see where this takes us, ha. I quite like the point that this isn't a life and death match type scenario, unlike how some characters portray these matches. ha. It's a fresh contact, and avoids the extremely tacky comparison you could have made between your match and the bombings. The history lesson should have come in the beginning, I think. I kind of derails the monologue, but the comparison you make is solid enough to bring you back on track. Try and vary up your actions. They really just seem like they're there to break up the monologue, and don't really interact with the actual scene itself, of which you've provided a unique opportunity. You do usually interact with your scene in a meaningful context, so maybe it's just this RP. Great transition with the "two bombs" line! You do a great job at selling yourself and the match simultaneously, without going overboard. Really, I'd forgotten that Smith had beaten such prominent guys, so this was a great reminder. You do reiterate a few of the same points in the second RP about Biggs/CJ/etc., but it's not overly drawn out. The storyline of Smith being followed never really goes anywhere, if just to provide a contextual camera for the scene...but Smith already has that, ha. You kind of abandon the scene in the second RP, which was a bit saddening, but it was a strong monologue to end on. I like the concept. I don't think it came off as tactless or offensive. It was a nice outlet that I wish you'd actually built on more in terms of scenery. I would focus on two elements for the future: More meaningful scene interactions that go beyond Smith just touching things, and more character interactions. We know Smith is a great monologue character, but now you need to develop a better sense of him interacting with the world around him; as I've noted before, your RPs have isolated feelings, which is good and bad in its own respects. I really liked this set of RPs, and would love to see things like this gets built upon. Good job bud! |
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Post by Kurt on Oct 31, 2012 12:19:12 GMT -4
Most likely gonna be half an hour late getting yours in, so think about what you'd like from me, ha (I have school and work afterwards). I might be able to finish in time, but probably not. So, be ready! |
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Post by Nick Watson on Oct 31, 2012 12:31:41 GMT -4
It sucks that i was ip banned otherwise i would have wrote a review for onih and could have gotten a seg with you. Damn... i guess the best i can ask for is a review of my two rps for onih. I will post linka when i get home.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Oct 31, 2012 13:38:38 GMT -4
I don't have power so I can't link them, but could you review the two rps I did for onih? I would love you forever and ignore the fall of noble.
If ya got time
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Post by Phil Atken on Oct 31, 2012 13:44:15 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece? Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse. Thanks. Here is my feedback. READ THE STACKING RULES YOU DOLT. Thank you. On a more serious note (ALTHOUGH I TAKE UNJUST STACKING VERY SERIOUSLY) Kurt, I'ma be a dick and ask if you wouldn't mind looking at my ONiH doodleyda. I've done this twice now, so in fairness I will feedback 1 (one) THING FOR YOU, it could even be a non-you thing!!!!! (I'm working on One Night in Hell but that shit is a slow burner) I've been slow burning Atken's approach to APW going more serious, I think to try and deal with the critique that people don't see me up the card because of the general Atken character and I just wanted to see how it has been coming across. apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12607 |
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Pat Stay
Low Carder
The One & Only
Posts: 154
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Post by Pat Stay on Oct 31, 2012 15:16:02 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Oct 31, 2012 16:08:35 GMT -4
Surprise! I'm able to do it! Like Smith, I'll be providing some general, some specific because it's two RPs. I quite like this little snarky narrative voice you've got going on. Really accentuates Envi's already sarcastic persona. First scene of Brass was good. Set a nice tone for the rest, although I think you could have shortened some of the descriptors. Didn't take away from anything though. I like the inter-locking of your story to what's going on in APW; personally, I think that's the best route to go. Neither really dominates the conversation, so you've found an ideal balance. Lol'd at the "Whore. Whore. Whore..." There's a bit too much information being put in my head when your diatribe with Envi ends. A lot of the "He blank" sentences tell me information that could be conveyed through the scene. If Envi counts the steps, is he doing it by fingers? Is he nodding? Something tangible makes me feel like I'm actually see it, instead of going too far in Envi's head. This is really the only instance you do that though, that I'm seeing. Very sinister ending to the first RP. I like Envi's voice and tone in the first RP. The monologue seems to come out of nowhere, but there's context for it, so I won't complain, ha. The pace of it is good; never too long, not too many one-liners. Not really a big fan of the list format (talk about one, then the other), but with two, at least it isn't too drawn out. You might undersell your opponents a little, but it's not much; your character development reflects how essential they are to your story, so that's selling them. The transition from first to second RP is really good. It feels like one long piece, and I'm a fan of continuity like that. Loving Envi's warpath here. It's honestly the most enjoyable aspect of the story. The visual of him ripping through luggage is very well done, and reflects that fall into insanity. Great ending monologue, although I get the sense Watson's bit was just tagged on. But, he was a large focus of the first monologue, so you're solid. I'm a fan of this series. I think you did a lot of things write: Great character traits, tense conversations, a unique narrative voice, and a scene to match. I think really the only thing that held you back were some minor telling issues, and perhaps some form issues regarding the monologues (when they happen, the second not being as strong, etc.). Really a great character driven series bud. This is one you should be proud of. Great job! |
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Post by Nick Watson on Oct 31, 2012 16:17:28 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Nov 1, 2012 13:10:34 GMT -4
I don't have power so I can't link them, but could you review the two rps I did for onih? I would love you forever and ignore the fall of noble. If ya got time Of course, ha. The first RP opens well enough. As I've said, I always like that your RPs seem so colloquial, with dialogue very rarely feeling pushed out. However, I think that sort of bites you here in the opening scene. While this conversation between TJ and Kellie feels real enough, it has some of the trappings of a genuine conversation. Sometimes I feel like the conversation repeated itself, and really only rose to the level of "You've always wanted this TJ." The drama is there, but it never really connects to the over-arching story your monologue is trying to tell. I do like the overall stubbornness theme of the first RP. It's really interesting to see this negative quality portrayed so positively, and tie into the overall feud's narrative. Selling Jules as a top champion/violent guy to beat also ties in really well to this theme. Raj never really moves beyond a plot device, but the conversation with Kelli gives TJ enough character interaction to work with. First RP was solid. I like that the theme of stubbornness ran through the monologue and the character development storyline, although I'm a tad disappointed that the two never connected in a meaningful fashion. How does TJ's conversation with Kelli affect his view on his match with Jules? The important thing is to tie these two together. Envi's recent RPs did this quite well, if I may offer a suggestion for a model. The two separately are pretty good, and solid when put together. Your second RP is hard to read. Not because of content, but because posting from a mobile device really messed up certain words. I quite like the opening little monologue, but the random symbols draw me out of the scene, unfortunately. The scene with Trey connects back to Kelli a bit, so I do get the sense I'm being told a continuous story. Although, right when you start talking about Jules, the scene switches! I suspect you're ending with a strong monologue, so I can ignore that at least, ha. Good sense of this being a "final battle" between the two. The monologue ties the feud together nicely, Strength becomes a good theme here, a perfect arch from stubbornness. I do like the monologue. Again, the random symbols take me out of the scene, but I like it for what it is. Overall, solid set of work. I think you told two stories here: One with Kelli, one with Jules. The two never really connect beyond a thematic level though. I would continue on focusing on linking the two aspects together, because you'll create a more cohesive feel that way. Even if it's just name-dropping Jules more in your character development storylines, you'll create a more well-rounded story overall. Great sense of characters and tension, just need a bit more connection. Goos job bud! |
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Post by Kurt on Nov 1, 2012 13:32:26 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece? Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse. Thanks. Here is my feedback. READ THE STACKING RULES YOU DOLT. Thank you. On a more serious note (ALTHOUGH I TAKE UNJUST STACKING VERY SERIOUSLY) Kurt, I'ma be a dick and ask if you wouldn't mind looking at my ONiH doodleyda. I've done this twice now, so in fairness I will feedback 1 (one) THING FOR YOU, it could even be a non-you thing!!!!! (I'm working on One Night in Hell but that shit is a slow burner) I've been slow burning Atken's approach to APW going more serious, I think to try and deal with the critique that people don't see me up the card because of the general Atken character and I just wanted to see how it has been coming across. apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12607You got it bud, ha. From the opening alone, your diction leads me to believe this'll be a slightly more serious piece than those I've read before. The opening paragraph pretty much hammers in that fact, but I'm glad that the same snarky Atken charm is still present, especially in the offering of the wine glass. There's a good sense of history here. I like that I feel like Atken's time in APW has been leading up to this moment. There's still an underlying sense of cynicism and humor, but it's masked. There's almost a strange somber sense about the piece. The cardboard bit was a perfect time to bring back in the humor. At first I thought you were going off target with the Knuckles bit, but you brought it back quite well. My only concern with the piece is that the build-up is SO good, but kind of just ends in a small list format that comes off as tacking the Chamber on. I think it would have been more effective to just link the theme of a journey to the Chamber, instead of trying to divert and talk about your opponents one by one. I think that would have created a stronger ending for you. I think you're top APW material. Your narrative voice is soothing, somber, and humorful. I don't consider the off-ending to be a fundamental issue with you; I've watched you end RPs magnificently. The build-up was great, with every idea tying into the last. I really do think the ending was all that held you back. Really great job bud! |
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Post by Kurt on Nov 1, 2012 13:55:38 GMT -4
Going out to vote now, and that may take some time, so the hanfull of you left that I need to do feedback for will miss the 24 hour mark. I apologize for that, but you will receive your feedback before the day's end!
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Post by Michael Callahan on Nov 2, 2012 1:48:32 GMT -4
Can I ask for general feedback rather than a specific piece? Earlier this year I was being touted as a sure-fire World Champion and beating Sally Talfourd. I feel I've lost some serious momentum and I'd be grateful if a former Undisputed Champion could tell me how to get back on the horse. Thanks. I was in a very similar situation after my first three months here. I had come in with a huge momentum, but felt it wasn't translating to shows, especially after I lost the Overdrive Title. The first question is to ask yourself: What's changed since then? I largely consider you beating Sam at Mayhem the defining moment of your momentum, so I suggest you compare those to see how you've changed since then. If you see some changes in your style/content that you feel have negatively affected you, you have a starting point. If you can't find any changes... There's your problem. There needs to be gradual change from then to now. Writing the same way, with minor thematic changes is eventually going to give you a similar feeling in your writing. It's comfortable, but isn't exciting. Pushing boundaries is going to get you back on a solid track. For example, at the start of the year, I was wondering how to get a bit of momentum going for my character. That's when I introduced the "Nobledrive" concept, which wasn't just the monologue. I implemented changes like... - Quickening my writing style (starting more In Medias Res) - Incorporating more technological/image based concepts, even if I wasn't always using images (I quote Twitter for this effect, usually). - Giving Noble a defining characteristic that would define him (Nobledrive itself) - And, of course, the monologue itself. I'm not saying do these things, but do something that changes it up, and allows you to stand-out. Asylum is monologue-heavy because of restricted word count, so how can you be different? Can you vary up your style from opening sensory details - paragraph - action - paragraph - etc.? I would recommend starting quicker (not with detailed paragraphs or a quote, which is how I always used to start, but with a line of dialogue that sets the scene). Start experimenting with RP techniques and out of the blue concepts. Start incorporating aspects that greater define Callahan's character: Twitter polls, ballots that form the RP, or something more permanent that changes your style a bit. You won't find it overnight, so try out different techniques as you change your character, and you'll find something that clicks. I was one of the people who assumed you would be the Heavyweight Champ by years end, and I'd still like to see that happen. I hope this helps, and please feel free to contact me if you need any specific advice on a concept or change. Hope this helps! Cheers for this man. I've been thinking about it and having compared then to now, I see that the problem is the latter in that little has changed when it comes to my work. When you're enjoying a lot of success (a lengthy title reign, undefeated streaks etc.) the pressure doesn't seem like it's on you to continue to step up so I guess in a way I may have gotten complacent and not let my standards slip as such but not fought with trying to improve. Biggs said something about me a while ago and while I don't want to sound big-headed I can't help but think it applies. "When you're consistently excellent, an average promo will really stand out." Well, I try to maintain a high average each and every week and so to push new ground and be even better than before is really quite a difficult thing to do. This week, it might not work for the best what with me going for a Number One Contenders opportunity but I've got an idea in my head that I want to try and do and if it pulls off, it'll completely revolutionise my game. If not, I'll be right back to the drawing board. I'm going to do it for my first roleplay, ask for feedback and if it's positive I'll go for a second attempt. |
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Nov 4, 2012 9:13:59 GMT -4
Thanks Kurt. I haven't gotten a chance really to look how the rp came out on the mobile and it all looks alright from my phone so ill check that out when I get my wifi back. I've been trying to work the story into the match for quite a while and it always seems that I only go the one way with it looking at some past rps. I tie the sort into the match somehow but not the other way around. This time didn't do either.
Again thanks and who said there was a fall of noble?
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Post by Kurt on Nov 5, 2012 0:18:39 GMT -4
For those of you still waiting, I promise I haven't forgotten you! It's on my list, promise, ha. Might just take a little bit of time, but it's gonna happen. I'll make it super sexy for you!
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Post by biggs on Nov 5, 2012 0:22:14 GMT -4
Will you make it so super sexy that we'll have to slap this thread with an NC-17? Because proboards doesn't allow that kind of content. Just to let you know...
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Nov 5, 2012 8:35:32 GMT -4
Not to super sexy, mrs. Rebel is gonna smack Johnny if its too super sexy and we don't want that do we?
I want Nicole Anniston super sexy
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