Biggs' Feedback Thread

[biggs]

So I owe a few folks some Feedback for giving me feedback on mine. Since PPV week is over, I'll be getting to it this weekend. If there's a specific RP you'd like me to look at, feel free to post a link. Otherwise, I'll be looking at your first RP for One Night in Hell.

Here are the folks who I owe!
Sally Talfourd
Johnny Knuckles
Kurt Noble
"The Soul of Philly" TJ
"The Killerplauze" Stefan Raab

Thanks again!

[biggs]

So first up is for my feedback is Johnny Knuckles' RP for the Japanese Death Match Battle Royale, “First Man In, Last Man Out...”

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12577

There's a lot to like in this RP. I felt the part about how you related your opponents to the different obstacles was at once the strongest part, and also the one that could have been the most confusing. I actually had to look up Mt. Midoriyama to find out with was from “Ninja Warrior.” Each individual obstacle was described well what it actually was, and you did well on relating it to different people, but it was only after watching some videos on Youtube that I actually understood what was truly going on. I would recommend that next time you use something from a specific TV show or movie, that you mention it by name. I thought Mt. Midoriyama was an honest to goodness mountain at first, and that conquering it was like Mt. Everest. Not everyone knows what Ninja Warrior is, so by naming it, you could make their life a little bit easier. Another thing that could have helped would have been finding pictures of everything online and putting them up as you reached them.

These multi-man matches are hard in the fact that you can't really go on at length about all of your opponents, so it was very wise of you to be as efficient in your trash talk as you were. Also, you did a good job on selling Knuckles and the match itself. You were dead serious about how much Knuckles wanted to win this match, yet you also made sure to include some of the trademark Knuckles humor.

Grammar wise, this is one of the best RPs I've seen from you. I know that's something that has been a weakness of yours in the past, so it's good to see it here.

So in summary, a good, descriptive roleplay that caters well to the format of the match itself, but one that ultimately needed some outside research to fully understand what's going on. That was really the one thing that held it back for me.

[Reaver]

LOL tyvm sir

i originally HAD the description of Mt Midoriyama and felt that maybe it was too much unnecessary info? it sucks having to regret cutting it to make the word count. i should have cut the end of it where it seems to have gotten stale and repetitive

hopefully i can keep all this in mind for the next set of rps

[biggs]

Sally Talfourd's “Happy Ending #77-No Plan B” is up next.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12542

The first thing I have to say about Sally's RPs is that she's consistent. She never plays down to her opponents, she always gives her best with every RP. Kind of like how at the end she talks about how there's no Plan B, just Plan A, go out there and be her best. I also liked how she built up each of her competitors rather than trashing them, because it's a very face thing to do. Sally has shown herself to be adept at trash in the past, and this was a fun way to turn our expectations of what trash talk can be on it's head.

Another thing I love about Sally RPs in general is that she has a distinct voice. The way she presents her character, it's always well written dialogue, nothing clunky, and she has an honest to goodness voice. With some folks, when I read their RPs, sometimes it feels like I'm just reading words. With Sally (and admittedly a few others), when I read their RPs, in my head, there's a different voice that comes to mind. Much like how I read Batman comics with Batman in Kevin Conroy's voice, or The Joker in Mark Hamill's voice in mind, Sally's writing immediately gave itself it's own voice.

Also, Sally, one of your strengths is that you do a lot of little things in the RP that add up to a big thing. The subtle jab at the word count limit and her focus on the past in a lot of RPs. Counterbalancing that with the talk of the future. This RP had a specific theme, a specific focus, and everything in it worked towards that focus. They say “Excellence is in the details,” and the little details are where you really shine.

Overall, another great RP from Sally. RPs like this are why you're one of my favorite writers here in APW.

[biggs]

“The Soul of Philly” TJ is up next, with the RP “Stubborn as a Soul.”

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12591

Like I said in my feedback for Sally's promo, having a strong theme, and sticking to it makes for a better RP. TJ did a really good job of selling just how stubborn his character really is. Between the argument with Kelli and his trash talk against Jules, he painted himself as a guy who knows what he wants, and does whatever he can to stay on target. Talking about how he's wrestled through a borken ankle, talking about how he just keeps on going after Julius, saying how he's not changed, it all worked towards the goal of showing that “The Soul of Philly” is as stubborn as a mule. Paired with the whole spiel that Julius has changed, has become desperate, and you have a perfect counterbalance to TJ. Way to sell the differences and sell TJ's mindset going into the match. The trash talk was the strongest part of the RP, for sure. Well written, well laid out.

For me, the conversation between TJ and Kelli Murray had some moments that didn't ring true, or didn't hit that strong. Going back and reading your RPs over the last few months again, I see what you've been trying to build to, but the fact that TJ had been in prison for five years, that it had been so long since they actually talked or had any contact, it just seems odd to me that she'd track him down while she was in town. After five years, most people move on, and considering the choices Kelli made earlier, putting her career ahead of her relationship with TJ, using him going to jail as an excuse to break things off, she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would come back to say she's sorry. She seems more like a “Dear John” letter kind of girl. Granted, she's obviously paid some attention to TJ's career, as she knows that he's been a champion, but it felt like she came back to serve the plot rather than coming back because her character would actually do that. I know I'm guilty of having that happen as well, but it really distracted me from the conversation they were having.

About the covnersation itself, it had a lot of good points in it, and helped build the stubborness some more, and there was a good back and forth between the characters. I loved the bit about the Pot calling the Kettle black. Funny stuff. It's just getting there felt contrived.

You're a really strong writer, TJ, and I know that you've been working Kelli into your RPs for a while, but it might have helped to have her trying to call TJ during your other RPs. Plant the seed that she was trying to set up a get together with TJ, rather than having her just show up. Other than that one sticking point, great work!

[biggs]

“Caravan Crash Challenge in Japan,” by Stefan Raab, is up next.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=onenightinhell2012&action=display&thread=12638

Right off the bat, we get hit with a huge run on sentence, that takes a ton of tangents, and doesn't flow very well, and over explains things, like how the venue of the Tokyo Dome was not available, because there were very few commas or punctuation used. Not to be mean about it, but the sentence structure all over this RP is overlong and at times, very clunky. One thing that all of my English teachers in high school told me was that varying sentence length helps with the readability of your writing, and I think it might help you to try and use a few shorter sentences every now and then. It works for when Stefan is talking to ramble about like such, but with the descriptive paragraphs, it makes them so much harder to read.

Joey Kelly's caravan was off his car as Stefan won the event of the Caravan Crash Challenge just a day before the big match up and he gets his special trophy saying that he was Caravan Crash Challenge champion as he went to have his interview and sprayed some champagne and then he went off to go to his hotel room to get well earned rest before the next day of wrestling in a Japanese deathmatch.

This final paragraph is one sentence. Just one. Yet there's at least four different actions in it. Also, it's not particularly descriptive either. In fact, that's a problem with the entire RP. I have no idea what a Caravan on the car is. I don't know what a Caravan Challenge is until about halfway through the RP, that apparently, you're trying to knock something off of other people's cars. It seems like you just assumed that folks would know what a Caravan Challenge was.

But back to the final paragraph. Here's an example of how I would have written it.

Stefan has Joey Kelly's car in his sights as he goes barreling towards the last car remaining. As he crashes hard into his rival, the caravan goes flying off, securing victory for the Killerplauze. He sticks his arm out of the window of his beaten up car, pumping his fist in excitement.

At the trophy presentation a few moments later, Stefan is fired up, spraying champagne all over the place. He's going to sleep well tonight, knowing that he won the Caravan Crash Challenge just a day before the Japanese Death Match at One Night in Hell. It may very well be the last night of good sleep Stefan gets for quite a while.

The format of the writing and the lack of descriptive details did this RP in. It was a fun concept, and I loved the picture at the beginning, but overall, it needs a lot of work.

[SalTal]

Thanks Biggs. I'm personally terrified as to asking for feedback, so I just don't. But this is very supportive and, obviously, good to hear!

[The Soul Of Philly]

Thanks Biggs. Appreciate the kind words. I thought I had done enough mentioning Kelli in previous rps with tjs friends asking him if he's gonna call and such but you are right adding in her calling would have added to it and I will think about that more when I plan on setting up a story within the life of TJ

[Kurt]

Nov 1, 2012 14:56:31 GMT -4 biggs said:

So I owe a few folks some Feedback for giving me feedback on mine. Since PPV week is over, I'll be getting to it this weekend. If there's a specific RP you'd like me to look at, feel free to post a link. Otherwise, I'll be looking at your first RP for One Night in Hell.

Here are the folks who I owe!
Sally Talfourd
Johnny Knuckles
Kurt Noble
"The Soul of Philly" TJ
"The Killerplauze" Stefan Raab

Thanks again!

Err... >_>

Actually, if you'd be willing, I'm going to have my Overdrive piece up within 3 hours, and I'd love for you to take a look at it. It's...different, ha. Much appreciated if you could, but if you can't for fear of influencing the match decision (I always worried about doing that as staff in a previous fed), it's no problem bud.

[Lord Raab]

Sorry I am late on replying to this but thanks for the feedback on my RP as I really didn't know what to improve on next but this helps me towards my next RP on making the sentences shorter and more description.