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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 1, 2012 20:50:08 GMT -4
We wrote individual rps, please leave feedback for both. Looking for the usual, what you liked, didn't like suggestions etc....
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Post by Jason Cashe on Nov 1, 2012 20:56:00 GMT -4
When you request feedback, leave a link to the Rp. That way people don't have to look for the rp in question. So add one to your post. Thanks.
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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 1, 2012 21:02:39 GMT -4
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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 3, 2012 17:50:15 GMT -4
Feedback please, The Climb Part 1 is posted here...http://apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=12755 this is the first serious rp I've posted in almost a year so the feedback is definitly appreciated.
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Post by President Jeff on Nov 3, 2012 18:07:22 GMT -4
Patience young one. No one is obligated to leave feedback. So if you don't get any, don't take it personally
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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 3, 2012 18:16:21 GMT -4
Oh...no I didn't.... not at all. If it came out that way then apologies are definitely in order.
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Post by Michael Callahan on Nov 3, 2012 18:16:40 GMT -4
I'll give you feedback as I'm about to do a round of it in the hopes I'll get some of my own in a moment.
I read "The Climb Part 1" and this is what I thought.
AWESOMES
-Your descriptions are beautiful. There's the occasional typo but "It’s almost as if God took out his paint brush this morning and decided to have a little fun.", is an example of great description. Keep this kind of thing up.
-I liked the idea behind it and how you throw unique training into your preparations. All too often, the training side of wrestling is neglected in roleplays (this is something I am myself guilty of) as with most roleplayers everyone is a night-club owning, CEO ladies man who wrestles in his spare time. To see a humble, almost Rocky meets Dukes of Hazard training regime is a different, refreshing take.
-The last thing I can say and this is absolutely a huge thing of mine. A Tag Team where the partners feature in each others promo's. A lot of tag teams on the E-Fedding circuit do solo promo's rather and reference each other but don't make the time to collaberate. To see that done is awesome.
LAMERS, FOOD FOR IMPROVEMENTTHOUGHTINGS
-You used a Miley Cyrus song title as the title for your RP. You automatically lose 20 points. You had zero to begin with.
-Paragraph your shit. Second paragraph is The Great Wall of Textna. Break stuff up, makes it easier to digest.
-When two characters are speaking, separate the lines rather than have it as one running paragraph. This is the way it's done in the novel style you're attempting to create and it'll help with the afforementioned paragraphing problem.
Eg;
"Let's kick dey asses," enthused Buck Nasty as he slipped on his brass knuckles and reached into his pocket for a flick knife.
"Yeeeeeeee, let's show deez bitches how we roll!" screamed Thugalicious as he unleashed a torrent of gun-fire from his Mac-10 upon the front of the crack den.
-Make it longer. Drag it out about more. You've got 3000 words to play with and while it's always quality over quantity, the odds are good that the people are struggling to fit into their limits are doing so because they're cramming a lot of quality into it.
OVERALLS
-Keep it up. Expand your work, paragraph your shit and keep with the descriptions.
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Nov 4, 2012 17:41:29 GMT -4
I'm a big CD guy. I wanted to give some backround on the inner workings of Gooch by using his father as his example instead of saying, "check out all the cool stuff about me." It was an opportunity to share how Gooch got there physically and emotionally. This is my first RP with this character...be gentle  Sorry I had to modify my RP. Saw something I had to fix. Will keep that to a minimum. apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=meltdownrp&thread=12778 |
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Post by President Jeff on Nov 5, 2012 7:17:31 GMT -4
I'm a big CD guy. I wanted to give some backround on the inner workings of Gooch by using his father as his example instead of saying, "check out all the cool stuff about me." It was an opportunity to share how Gooch got there physically and emotionally. This is my first RP with this character...be gentle Sorry I had to modify my RP. Saw something I had to fix. Will keep that to a minimum. apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=meltdownrp&thread=12778You have 10 minutes to edit your RP after posting. Anything after that, could result in your RP being disqualified. If need something that absoulutly needs to be fixed, send me a PM Its all on the rules thread my friend |
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Nov 9, 2012 12:31:03 GMT -4
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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 13, 2012 13:00:43 GMT -4
Negative points for Simpson references Knuckles lol
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Post by Reaver on Nov 13, 2012 13:13:02 GMT -4
screw u thats funny  everybody get the WoW and the kill bill clean version references? lol |
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Post by Mac Bane on Nov 13, 2012 13:46:32 GMT -4
LOL, yes it was funny
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Nov 28, 2012 14:44:05 GMT -4
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Dec 6, 2012 12:00:40 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Dec 6, 2012 20:49:11 GMT -4
Focusing on your most recent work. "Highs and Lows" Critique I like that you're showing me Gooch's sadness, instead of saying "He's sad." Good physicality in the beginning. I'm a little confused at calling her Mama, when you mention that's his wife. I know some spouses call each other Mom/Dad when they have kids, but it usually happens in the kid's presence, so it's just a bit confusing here. Nice selling; it's always important to put over your opponent in some way if you can. I like the mixing of personal and wrestling-related storylines when possible. The premise of Gooch confessing all this to his wife, who wakes up to comfort him is a bit is a little cheesy...but I'm a sucker for cheesiness, ha. Would have been nice to know what she was in for though to help set up the scene (sorry, I really haven't read your past works up to this point). Kind of expected a little back and forth; the ending is super abrupt. It's a pretty linear story with traditional hooks, so just make sure that when you can, ask yourself this: What in this piece grabs the reader's attention? Is there a shocking premise? A twist? Am I continuing my story in an engaging manner? Always try to add if you can; one-shot stories (which this feels like) can hurt you in a continuous fed. It's a solid piece overall. I think I was expecting a bit more, but there weren't any fundamental problems: solid physicality, selling, and story. What I would focus on is turning those up a notch. Sensory details will bring in your read, and put them in the scene; Tension in your story will keep them there. You've got it there, just needs to be built upon, and you'll be set. Good job bud! |
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Jun 4, 2013 20:51:16 GMT -4
I haven't asked for feedback publically on an RP since December 6, 2012. I figure 6 months worth of work would be a good time to ask. I've tried to take the advice that many have given me. I just wondered what people think about the Gooch character and the direction I'm taking him. This RP is for the 2nd round of the T-ACT Cup. I'm facing Jester Smiles. I hope I'm doing APW proud and I hope I will continue to be a guy that folks like to work with. z13.invisionfree.com/FB18/index.php?showtopic=1065 |
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