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Post by evanmcdonald1 on Nov 2, 2012 16:54:36 GMT -4
And I'd like feedback please.
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Post by Reaver on Nov 2, 2012 16:56:13 GMT -4
we would like a link plz  lol usually when we ask for feedback, we provide a link so people dont have to hunt them down. ill do wat i can for ya man.  |
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Post by President Jeff on Nov 2, 2012 16:59:48 GMT -4
You may want to try and figure out why when your posting stuff, "“" appears. Happened in your app and your RP.
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Post by evanmcdonald1 on Nov 2, 2012 17:00:45 GMT -4
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Post by Reaver on Nov 2, 2012 17:01:07 GMT -4
well, i think Evan Envi is gonna be happy that he has a future sidekick |
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Post by evanmcdonald1 on Nov 2, 2012 17:02:36 GMT -4
Don't know what you mean Jeff, those symbols didn't show up for me.
At first I thought they where " but they weren't.
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Post by Reaver on Nov 2, 2012 17:10:04 GMT -4
it looks like a trademark of something. wat program do u use?
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Nov 2, 2012 17:12:37 GMT -4
I see the same thing, Jeff. That used to happen to me when I cut and pasted from certain programs. I now write from Word and transfer it over and it works fine.
Past that, I enjoyed the RP. Great launching point. I'm looking forward to how much further you can get with the character development. Great start.
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Post by evanmcdonald1 on Nov 2, 2012 17:12:52 GMT -4
Microsoft Word 2010.
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Post by SalTal on Nov 3, 2012 19:18:34 GMT -4
Definite way to get rid: type it all in Notepad or paste from Word into Notepad then copy from Notepad into forum box.
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Post by SalTal on Nov 4, 2012 4:45:34 GMT -4
The Good
Well done for posting a debut promo and seeking out feedback straight away. Most people will wait a while to get their feedback - by which point they often seem a bit put-out that they have been doing things for so long and now are expected to change them. So well done for putting yourself out there so quickly.
It’s straight to the point, which is exactly what a debut promo is meant to be. There’s not much you can talk about when it comes to debuting. You won’t have a presence in APW, no achievements to talk about or grudges. Overall, you did what a debut promo is meant to do: Introduce us to the character and some of the underpinnings of him.
You got across the cocky heel here, so again: Mission accomplished. I got a feel for where you’re going to be taking the character, what your promos in the future will include, and what sort of tone they will take on. So, again, good on you for this.
What To Work On
Obviously, those strange symbols. I figured out that they are meant to be speech marks, but my brain couldn’t register that and I had a hard time reading the promo. Related to this:
Your narration’s point of view is very confusing. It starts out as a narrator (almost an APW employee) in third person. Then there’s no real narrator just the character's perspective. And then you finish with a first person statement at the very end which is a bit too abrupt. It’s important that you’re consistent across the whole promo so that readers can settle into their role in the promo - are they assuming the role of the megastar? A third-person watcher that isn’t involved? A narrator? Make sure you pick and stick.
Colours are a helpful way to differentiate between the speakers. I know this is a topic with varied opinions, but at the least there should be a ‘spoken word’ colour and an action colour. If only to make reading a little more helpful.
Anything posted on the House Shows is word limit free, but when it comes to shows you will have to stick to the limits. In some feedback I provided a while ago I gave some advice about length and, I think, it’s important for all new people to APW to take heed of:
Obviously this isn’t a match promo, but I noticed that the debut was short (especially so when you had no limit to write to). It would be a lost opportunity for someone to comment on the length of it. I am obviously assuming that you’re Meltdown promos might not be as long as they could be. If I’m wrong, then I’ll take this back.
I also want to say something about building images. There are lots of ways to get a longer promo. And, in time, I’m sure I (and others) will start to offer you ways to get to a higher level while still hitting the limit. But the first one I’d like to see you work on is picture building. Kurt Noble (feedbacker expert!) has the phrase “show, don’t tell” and I’m sure if you ask him nicely he can explain it better than me.
But what I’m saying is that the first way to get content in is to really build up a clear and explicit image in the reader’s head. Something more than:
If you’re trying to build up this idea that Evan is this handsome, god-like sex machine ... the girls groan? They just groan? Wouldn’t there be facial expressions? Body language? Anything to accompany their desperation to stay with him rather than leave?
Same thing goes for this:
Again, the girls are happy to trade Evan for a stash of beer? Wouldn’t they be hesitant? Or, at least, still unhappy about having to leave him? Which brings me to my main point:
While building images, inject them with a massive dose of emotion. The pictrue should certainly allow me (as the reader) to visualise what’s happening but also to know what people are feeling (and how to feel myself). Along with being descriptve visually, be descriptive emotionally.
Overall
A solid start, and it’s good to get out there because now you have some things to work on. Take the first couple of weeks on Meltdown to work on image building. Once you feel as though you’re starting to get the hang of it, come and ask for more feedback and I’m sure someone else (me perhaps) will give you a new way to enhance your promos and a new ‘feature’ to work on. I know that efedding is daunting and coming to a new fed and having to adapt your style, etc. ... it’s all daunting. And I don’t want to throw more than an ‘edible’ amount on your plate. Work on things piece at a time and you’ll be called up in no time!
Keep working at it! You’ve got the foundations, now it’s time to build the house!
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Post by Phil Atken on Nov 4, 2012 10:41:30 GMT -4
Sally beat my to it on the technical aspect but I just wanted to flag up more of a character one.
The debut promo does its job, you're an arse, you're cocky and you're a sexual behemoth of a man. I think that's my issue. There's no actual depth to the character. It's times like this I'm reminded of a story from Mick Foley's book (which I reference a god awful amount of times). You're already gunning for all the champions, putting them on notice because it's inconceivable to you that you could lose to them. Now say you're T-Marv, you have an established record, so win or lose, in-character you can still try to justify why you are exactly who you say you are.
Coming in fresh though, it just seems generic. It also hurts the character if he loses early on. I just think, great, you've buried everyone so now if you beat them, you've beat someone you've painted as worthless, so what does the victory even mean? Then if you get beaten, you've just been beaten by someone you called worthless, so now your character is in a bit of shit with no reputation. Really in the eyes of the fans you would have nothing to gain if you win and a lot to lose if you eat the pin. I feel like you should always have something to gain from a victory, characters should be driven by a purpose and I don't feel like "I want all the belts so I can do my rockin' Ultimo Dragon impression" is it.
Honestly, I think you could do wonders for your first show RP exploring the following:
- What has brought Evan from Scotland over to APW? What is his motivation for signing that contract? I mean he already has a bevy of beauties, so is it a a mere lust for gold or something else?
- Now that you're here, what do you want to achieve. This ties into my last point but really what is Evan's ultimate goal here?
- Are the girls a distraction? Does Evan lose focus due to his enormous sexual appetite or are the girls just for show?
The character could have a lot going on for it if you get a chance to explore these kinds of issue, I feel like just saying "hey, I'm the best, I'm going to win" is bland.
Again, just my opinion but I think focus is always a great way to build on your character.
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