Post by estarr on Aug 5, 2008 3:43:43 GMT -4
Jake Ruby: Hi all, Jake Ruby here. I'd like to talk to you today about something both serious, and dear to me. Mercury poisoning is a serious health concern for you and your family. Did you know that as many as 400 different types of fish that you have access to has a level of mercury in it that could put you and your loved ones at risk?
The government regularly warns us about the dangers cheap, imitation imports pose to our country, and our safety. That's why, in conjunction with the FDA, we are encouraging all smart, healthy Americans to not buy Chinese fish. After the recent spate of health concerns raised over Chinese toys, and lead-ridden paint, Americans should be on their toes over what other faulty and dangerous imports we are receiving from that country.
Next time you're at your local WalMart or grocery store, and you want to buy some fish, you should look for the FDA "approved and stamped" packaging that only fish with a safe mercury content level receives. Soon, you will find in your mail a pamphlet explaining all this and more, which will also contain more information that you need to keep your family safe.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to listen to me, and remember: Your fish should bleed red, white, and blue too.
The ad cuts out, and back to regular programming, we have Jake Ruby strutting his stuff backstage. He's back, though given his trend to appear, disappear, then reappear at random, who knows how long you will have to admire and adore this fine specimen of an e-fedder. He's got his bags with him again, dressed as he would any important occasion - a Ramones t-shirt, cargo shorts, flip-flops with socks, and a LA Dodgers hat (not that he follows the Dodgers). I believe that if you go back through the photo album, you'll find this is the same outfit Jake wore to his cousin Audrey's wedding. He didn't have all that much fun at the wedding - inside, he thought it should be him beside Audrey. But hey! You can't win them or. Or marry your first cousin. Apparently someone thought to make sure that's what the law says. And, as a good, law abiding Republican, Jake abandoned the chase.
Jake knows where he's going this time and heads straight for the lockers to unload his stuff, prepare himself, and then ..... well, he doesn't have a match, and he isn't scheduled to appear on the show. Maybe he could pitch in with the ring crew? No, that didn't go too well last time. Well, either way, he'll find something to do. Or perhaps someone will find him. When word started spreading that Jake Ruby was in the building, Phil couldn't not come running for the 'exclusive scoop' from the budding rookie.
Short of breath and microphone in hand, Phil races into the locker room as Jake is unpacking his belongings - a toothbrush, a pair of trainers, his RAW shirt from the time they toured his state, three pairs of socks, and his pair of gym shorts from high school. Jake is pleased to see Phil, and walks over to him, looking for a handshake.
Jake: Phil, nice to see you dude. What'ya been up to?
Phil: *Between gasps for breath* I've been ..... doing my job ..... around here ..... looking for an inter ..... view for tonight ..... interested?
Jake: Interested? I'd love to take part. Why don't you take a seat and catch your breath.
In no time (because this author can't be bothered writing in filler) Phil is back on his feet and ready for the interview. He grabs Jake, lines him up for the camera, and they are under way.
Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of APW, friends, well-wishers, and people who have stopped to watch us between the ad breaks of Lost repeats, I'd like to re-re-introduce the one and only Jake Ruby. He's the man of many talents, that you no doubt remember. He's wrestled a half-dozen matches, or there abouts, and has made a stunning impact. His name was carried around the world for his grace, his skill, and his extraordinary ability to type at 180 words a minute. He has been undefeated in the e-fedding world for going on 4 years now, and is the proud holder of 16 world titles at the very moment - that's to say nothing of the 251 other titles he is the holder off too. Little known fact: Jake has attended 62 of his own weddings, been married 26 times, and has father 34 children. However, ladies, outside of his computer, he's a snag - a bachelor for anyone that's looking for a good romp between his Star Trek bed sheets or a romantic evening at Applebee's. Jake, *Phil turns to his guest* welcome back.
Jake: Phil, after that warm welcome, it's great to be back. I've been out for a little while, but not under a rock. I have a good idea of what's been going on while I've been away, and let me tell you, it's a sad sight that nothing's changed ...
Phil: Jake, ahhhhh, things have changed.
Jake: Like what?
Phil: Well, for a start, Diana Steel died.
Jake: Wow. Did she just want a new face? Or wanted to try a new character?
Phil: No, Jake, she died. *Jake looks confused* For real. *Still confused* Dead.
Jake: Wow, dead-dead? That's something. When that sort of thing happens online, no one takes it seriously. Someone might put in a little extra creativity into their next roleplays, but nothing over the top. I wonder how the APW people took it? Serious, I expect. Man, this whole real thing is beginning to get annoying. *Jake has a moment to himself* Ok, what else is new?
Phil: Twister is a champion now.
Jake: Oh, wow, isn't that something. What else?
Phil: There's some tag team belts.
Jake: Jake Ruby only has one waist - two is just overkill. What else?
Phil: Excuse me Jake, but it seems you're not all that interested in what has happened to the APW of late?
Jake: You know Phil, you're exactly right. I don't care. Why? Because I wasn't around. It's like with the Old and New Testament. No one cares what happened in the Old Testament because Jesus wasn't around. When Jesus pops into the scene, we have action! But before that, seriously, who even knows what was happening in that book. So think of it like that - Jake Ruby is Jesus, and when I'm not around, no one cares what's happening in Sodom and Gomorrah ..... I mean APW when I'm not here. But now that I'm back, people can start to care again! Whooooo!
Phil: Ok then. Perhaps you could tell us where you've been for the past month and some? Have you been back in Idaho with your family?
Jake: I'll be honest with you Phil: No. I didn't go back and visit my family. Do you know why? Because my parents have cut off my Internet access. Apparently I'm not home enough for them to keep paying for it. I just don't understand them sometimes - first they complained that I was at home too much when I was growing up, then that I was still living at home when I turned 24. Now they are complaining that I'm not home enough? Damn parents! When will they learn that the Internet is not a game! It's serious business!
Phil: So where were you Jake?
Jake: I took a nice, relaxing holiday. I went to Iowa. Now, a lot of people told me not to go to Iowa, that's it's the most boring state in the country. I said to them "I come from Idaho, so Iowa is like a freaking theme park to me!" And they laughed, and I stared, and then there was an awkward silence. But yeah, that's where I was. Iowa. After Iowa I had to go to the big smoke - I stopped into New York before I flew up here to Canada. Man are there some strange and crazy people in New York. If you thought Boise was busy (let's face it - you were never thinking that), then you've never seen New York. People and cars and buildings everywhere! I don't know how they function. And the locals - a weird mob. Very weird.
Phil: And after your travels, are you ready to return to the APW?
Jake: I think, Phil, that I might need another week's rest. But I will be back very soon - either on the next card or the one after. Who knows when you'll see me. I might be on tonight's show! You just never know. Phil doesn't know, this cameraman doesn't know. Heck, even I don't know! That's how top secret my return is going to be. James Bond wouldn't even know - well, maybe Sean Connery James Bond would know, but definitely not Dalton or Brosnan. I'm not too sure about the current Bond, Daniel Craig. He was good in Casino Royale, but I think we all need to see the next film to really judge him.
Phil: Riiiiight. I think it's time we finish this up. Is there anything you'd like to say to anyone before we conclude?
Jake: Love to Phil. Steven, back in Idaho, don't think that I have forgotten about the $1.15 I loaned you two years ago. I don't care what you did with it, I just want it back.
Phil gives a strange look to Jake.
Phil: Anyone else?
Jake: Hmmmmm. No, not at this time.
Phil: Not any APW wrestlers? Or champions? Or someone you might want to face. Someone you might have last lost to?
Jake: Can't think of anyone.
Phil: ... Ok then. This has been Phil, with the return Jake Ruby. Thanks for watching.
The government regularly warns us about the dangers cheap, imitation imports pose to our country, and our safety. That's why, in conjunction with the FDA, we are encouraging all smart, healthy Americans to not buy Chinese fish. After the recent spate of health concerns raised over Chinese toys, and lead-ridden paint, Americans should be on their toes over what other faulty and dangerous imports we are receiving from that country.
Next time you're at your local WalMart or grocery store, and you want to buy some fish, you should look for the FDA "approved and stamped" packaging that only fish with a safe mercury content level receives. Soon, you will find in your mail a pamphlet explaining all this and more, which will also contain more information that you need to keep your family safe.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to listen to me, and remember: Your fish should bleed red, white, and blue too.
The ad cuts out, and back to regular programming, we have Jake Ruby strutting his stuff backstage. He's back, though given his trend to appear, disappear, then reappear at random, who knows how long you will have to admire and adore this fine specimen of an e-fedder. He's got his bags with him again, dressed as he would any important occasion - a Ramones t-shirt, cargo shorts, flip-flops with socks, and a LA Dodgers hat (not that he follows the Dodgers). I believe that if you go back through the photo album, you'll find this is the same outfit Jake wore to his cousin Audrey's wedding. He didn't have all that much fun at the wedding - inside, he thought it should be him beside Audrey. But hey! You can't win them or. Or marry your first cousin. Apparently someone thought to make sure that's what the law says. And, as a good, law abiding Republican, Jake abandoned the chase.
Jake knows where he's going this time and heads straight for the lockers to unload his stuff, prepare himself, and then ..... well, he doesn't have a match, and he isn't scheduled to appear on the show. Maybe he could pitch in with the ring crew? No, that didn't go too well last time. Well, either way, he'll find something to do. Or perhaps someone will find him. When word started spreading that Jake Ruby was in the building, Phil couldn't not come running for the 'exclusive scoop' from the budding rookie.
Short of breath and microphone in hand, Phil races into the locker room as Jake is unpacking his belongings - a toothbrush, a pair of trainers, his RAW shirt from the time they toured his state, three pairs of socks, and his pair of gym shorts from high school. Jake is pleased to see Phil, and walks over to him, looking for a handshake.
Jake: Phil, nice to see you dude. What'ya been up to?
Phil: *Between gasps for breath* I've been ..... doing my job ..... around here ..... looking for an inter ..... view for tonight ..... interested?
Jake: Interested? I'd love to take part. Why don't you take a seat and catch your breath.
In no time (because this author can't be bothered writing in filler) Phil is back on his feet and ready for the interview. He grabs Jake, lines him up for the camera, and they are under way.
Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of APW, friends, well-wishers, and people who have stopped to watch us between the ad breaks of Lost repeats, I'd like to re-re-introduce the one and only Jake Ruby. He's the man of many talents, that you no doubt remember. He's wrestled a half-dozen matches, or there abouts, and has made a stunning impact. His name was carried around the world for his grace, his skill, and his extraordinary ability to type at 180 words a minute. He has been undefeated in the e-fedding world for going on 4 years now, and is the proud holder of 16 world titles at the very moment - that's to say nothing of the 251 other titles he is the holder off too. Little known fact: Jake has attended 62 of his own weddings, been married 26 times, and has father 34 children. However, ladies, outside of his computer, he's a snag - a bachelor for anyone that's looking for a good romp between his Star Trek bed sheets or a romantic evening at Applebee's. Jake, *Phil turns to his guest* welcome back.
Jake: Phil, after that warm welcome, it's great to be back. I've been out for a little while, but not under a rock. I have a good idea of what's been going on while I've been away, and let me tell you, it's a sad sight that nothing's changed ...
Phil: Jake, ahhhhh, things have changed.
Jake: Like what?
Phil: Well, for a start, Diana Steel died.
Jake: Wow. Did she just want a new face? Or wanted to try a new character?
Phil: No, Jake, she died. *Jake looks confused* For real. *Still confused* Dead.
Jake: Wow, dead-dead? That's something. When that sort of thing happens online, no one takes it seriously. Someone might put in a little extra creativity into their next roleplays, but nothing over the top. I wonder how the APW people took it? Serious, I expect. Man, this whole real thing is beginning to get annoying. *Jake has a moment to himself* Ok, what else is new?
Phil: Twister is a champion now.
Jake: Oh, wow, isn't that something. What else?
Phil: There's some tag team belts.
Jake: Jake Ruby only has one waist - two is just overkill. What else?
Phil: Excuse me Jake, but it seems you're not all that interested in what has happened to the APW of late?
Jake: You know Phil, you're exactly right. I don't care. Why? Because I wasn't around. It's like with the Old and New Testament. No one cares what happened in the Old Testament because Jesus wasn't around. When Jesus pops into the scene, we have action! But before that, seriously, who even knows what was happening in that book. So think of it like that - Jake Ruby is Jesus, and when I'm not around, no one cares what's happening in Sodom and Gomorrah ..... I mean APW when I'm not here. But now that I'm back, people can start to care again! Whooooo!
Phil: Ok then. Perhaps you could tell us where you've been for the past month and some? Have you been back in Idaho with your family?
Jake: I'll be honest with you Phil: No. I didn't go back and visit my family. Do you know why? Because my parents have cut off my Internet access. Apparently I'm not home enough for them to keep paying for it. I just don't understand them sometimes - first they complained that I was at home too much when I was growing up, then that I was still living at home when I turned 24. Now they are complaining that I'm not home enough? Damn parents! When will they learn that the Internet is not a game! It's serious business!
Phil: So where were you Jake?
Jake: I took a nice, relaxing holiday. I went to Iowa. Now, a lot of people told me not to go to Iowa, that's it's the most boring state in the country. I said to them "I come from Idaho, so Iowa is like a freaking theme park to me!" And they laughed, and I stared, and then there was an awkward silence. But yeah, that's where I was. Iowa. After Iowa I had to go to the big smoke - I stopped into New York before I flew up here to Canada. Man are there some strange and crazy people in New York. If you thought Boise was busy (let's face it - you were never thinking that), then you've never seen New York. People and cars and buildings everywhere! I don't know how they function. And the locals - a weird mob. Very weird.
Phil: And after your travels, are you ready to return to the APW?
Jake: I think, Phil, that I might need another week's rest. But I will be back very soon - either on the next card or the one after. Who knows when you'll see me. I might be on tonight's show! You just never know. Phil doesn't know, this cameraman doesn't know. Heck, even I don't know! That's how top secret my return is going to be. James Bond wouldn't even know - well, maybe Sean Connery James Bond would know, but definitely not Dalton or Brosnan. I'm not too sure about the current Bond, Daniel Craig. He was good in Casino Royale, but I think we all need to see the next film to really judge him.
Phil: Riiiiight. I think it's time we finish this up. Is there anything you'd like to say to anyone before we conclude?
Jake: Love to Phil. Steven, back in Idaho, don't think that I have forgotten about the $1.15 I loaned you two years ago. I don't care what you did with it, I just want it back.
Phil gives a strange look to Jake.
Phil: Anyone else?
Jake: Hmmmmm. No, not at this time.
Phil: Not any APW wrestlers? Or champions? Or someone you might want to face. Someone you might have last lost to?
Jake: Can't think of anyone.
Phil: ... Ok then. This has been Phil, with the return Jake Ruby. Thanks for watching.
