FEED. ME. MORE. (Ry)BACK.

[Michael Callahan]

Alright, so as I said in Kurt's 24 hour reviewathon I promised a total change of styles.

I was watching the Sin City movie the other night starring Jessica Alba and... nobody else really significant because lol Jessica Alba is hot.

Anyway, for the majority of the film where I wasn't able to perv at her, I opted to try and adopt the style to change up my RP's. This means cross-cutting and regular scene changes rather than my usual 2,500 one scene wonders, and a lot of stuff that doesn't directly involve Callahan but centres around him and develops the plotline.

If this gets good reviews, I'll continue the Constitutional Crisis yarn 'til Christmas Chaos. The plan is to have this be a continuing story throughout the build-up to the pay-per-view while also finding time to talk trash about my opponents.

So here goes, Constitutional Crisis I.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=iwcrps&action=display&thread=12760&page=1

[Phil Atken]

As I said on Skype, it's a very different tact to take.

I'm going to go into a something I'm not a fan of in eW but that is far from a "no-no", in fact I know a lot of other people love it. Basically, when I read this, and knowing your plans to continue it, I feel like you could write the whole thing now and just post the new chapter every week without really reflecting what's happening to the Callahan character on the shows. I'm happily to be proven wrong on that, I know the intro deals with ONiH a little but it just seems like the upcoming Asylum stuff has been pushed to the side to slide in the story.

As I said, some people and I'm sure a good few here don't mind not doing the "trash talk" as it were so long as you tell a good story, I just don't like the isolationist feel to the path. It's a style that gives you a lot of potential to explore and build but I would say still tie it back to the matches if you can. Obviously that's just my spitballin'.

The plus of it is, with a aim and direction, you have focus going on towards Christmas Chaos. You have a plan and a pathway, so there's far less chance of stalling out, or just dumping your work at the last minute and that's a huge help.

So basically, just talking general overview, I think this will be a great help for you in so far as it presents you with the opportunity to move a story forward for every show but I would be careful to avoid doing it at the expense of the show, if that makes sense.

Writing wise, I don't see fault. It's a solid piece, it's an interesting piece and it's story worth developing.

[T-Marv]

Well Apparently, i can't sell other people if my life depended on it so i guess I'll take some time out to take a total shit on your hard work.....

You Suck Ass!

Never Write Again.....

Now that's over with, prepare for real feedback.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, first of all, I really loved the intro. It did everything that an intro is supposed to do. It gives us insite into the narrator's mindset Without coming strait out and telling us(which is boring).

This roleplay was definitely Different. It was probably the most interesting read of any rp that you've done IMO....and that's really saying something. You have a magic quality about your storytelling that just kinda gets me. I read and read, and when it ends i say "WAIT I WANT MORE?"

I'm not going to say much about the fact that you put almost no match relevent stuff in your rp because i'm pretty sure that's coming with part 2....or at least it has in the past. But I liked the little bit that you did mention....the snipit about TJ. It was a very creative way to work it in there, kudos.

I thought your new style was very interesting. At first I thought the jumping back and forth would distract from the rp. I'm happy to see that i was wrong. The whole thing was one very cohesive flowing story that was extremely enjoyable.

I got a good sense of all the characters, who they were, and how they revolved around Callahan.

As for the new style, I'd like to reserve a general judgement on your new style until i read a couple more. But for right now, I think it could work out splendidly as long as you keep up with the high quality content.

I guess my only criticism(if you'd really call it that) is to remember that at the end of the day, this is a wrestling company, and the rps generaly should revolve mostly around the match and such. I'm not saying that it should ONLY be match related stuff, or to change what you're doing....just keep it in mind.

I honestly can't wait for the next one.

[Michael Callahan]

Nov 3, 2012 19:56:59 GMT -4 T-Marv said:

Well Apparently, i can't sell other people if my life depended on it so i guess I'll take some time out to take a total shit on your hard work.....

You Suck Ass!

Never Write Again.....

Now that's over with, prepare for real feedback.

I never said that you suck at selling, just that you don't do it and to do so would be a big boost to already a very stacked skillset.

Anyway thanks for the feedback so far guys. Constitutional Crisis will see an Issue 2, with a scene cut where Callahan does match relevance along with like T-Marv said those little subtle ones through the rest of the piece.

Keep it coming!

[SalTal]

I definitely owe you feedback, and after reading the rp I felt like it was something much deserved.

After reading your initial feedback stuff with Kurt, I knew that you would be someone to learn and grow. And you’ve definitely done that. You’ve definitely changed things. Your old promos were becoming stale (I hope you don’t mind me saying that - and I’m only saying it now as a point of comparison). Yes, they were all very well written, and yes they certainly revolved around the match and what have you. They ticked all the boxes. But they were a bit ... expected. You had been doing much the same thing from Mayhem to now (trust me, I was watching!). Not to say that that was necessarily a bad thing, but it’s something to address if you want to be getting better I guess. And you implicitly acknowledged the lack of significant change with this turn-about, so good on you!

Now, to the promo at hand.

The Good
When I read this, I said “Far out...” with an exasperated sigh. I could see writing on the wall that we’re going to have to face again and I’m going to lose, what? My third or fourth match against you? It was beautifully written. Beautiful. I’m glad you acknowledged the Sin City influence because I would be racking my brain where the style was from. You have certainly channeled it - and that’s not a critique at all. It’s a style, and any style is as valid as the next. The narration is superb.

Your dialogue, it’s just as good as the narration. Actually ‘feeling’ comes from it. Callahan doesn’t say more than 30 words in that opening monologue. He’s obviously brooding, almost seething, about that ONiH loss. You can just tell! And then Steve is seemingly trying to make the best - the role of the supportive, nervous friend. Far out, it was one of the best pieces of dialogue I’ve read this year. And it’s a gamble - because if it doesn’t work, it’s a couple hundred of lost words on a tight word limit. But it works.

I love scene changes. I know some people have spoken out loudly against the idea of scene changes within promos, but I love it. I feel there’s more story to be told. Of course, on Asylum, you can’t do it much because it takes words away from match-specifics. But you’ve done it pretty flawlessly here. And it all adds weight to the story.

Finally, I definitely want to know where this story takes us. I really do want to know where this all finished. Do you have the story mapped out? I mean, you’ve called this ‘Issue One’ - how many issues in this arc?

What To Work On
With so much good in here, there is a glaring point: How is this any different to a House Show post? That’s the question I find myself asking. I’ll go through why I ask this:

- There are references to your last match (Elimination Chamber) and the effects of it (to an extent).
- There is nothing about this week’s match.
- There’s no mention of anyone from APW (other than Callahan and his posse, of course).

So I’m left wondering is this something that actually contributes to the match this week or is it character building. If it’s character building, ok, good. We all need to do that every now and then. Heck, we all should do that every now and then. But without a reference to the match ... I mean, could you have posted this against any opponent on any show for any match? If yes, then my personal belief is that it need improvement in that area.

I don’t mean to harp on that stuff. I know you acknowledged it at the start in your original comment, but I just wanted to emphasise what Atken was saying. I really think there should be more match-specific stuff in there rather that, as you said, “a lot of stuff that doesn't directly involve Callahan”.

I feel as though this was maybe too harsh. I love the new style and I’d like to see more match stuff in it. I want to know where the story goes and I want to know how it relates to the wrestling career and stints that Callahan is doing in APW.

... and as I was writing all this, you’ve posted. Saying you’re doing exactly what TMarv and Atken said to do. I’ll just leave it here to show you that you really are a wise and able person because you didn’t need a third person to tell you to do something - you already learned!

Overall, an excellent rp with some room to move it into more of a promo. Awesome new style. Awesome new angle. Awesome new flavour. I love it, and will love Issue Two even more I think!

Keep up the great work!

[Michael Callahan]

Nov 3, 2012 20:30:54 GMT -4 SalTal said:

I definitely owe you feedback, and after reading the rp I felt like it was something much deserved.

After reading your initial feedback stuff with Kurt, I knew that you would be someone to learn and grow. And you’ve definitely done that. You’ve definitely changed things. Your old promos were becoming stale (I hope you don’t mind me saying that - and I’m only saying it now as a point of comparison). Yes, they were all very well written, and yes they certainly revolved around the match and what have you. They ticked all the boxes. But they were a bit ... expected. You had been doing much the same thing from Mayhem to now (trust me, I was watching!). Not to say that that was necessarily a bad thing, but it’s something to address if you want to be getting better I guess. And you implicitly acknowledged the lack of significant change with this turn-about, so good on you!

Now, to the promo at hand.

The Good
When I read this, I said “Far out...” with an exasperated sigh. I could see writing on the wall that we’re going to have to face again and I’m going to lose, what? My third or fourth match against you? It was beautifully written. Beautiful. I’m glad you acknowledged the Sin City influence because I would be racking my brain where the style was from. You have certainly channeled it - and that’s not a critique at all. It’s a style, and any style is as valid as the next. The narration is superb.

Your dialogue, it’s just as good as the narration. Actually ‘feeling’ comes from it. Callahan doesn’t say more than 30 words in that opening monologue. He’s obviously brooding, almost seething, about that ONiH loss. You can just tell! And then Steve is seemingly trying to make the best - the role of the supportive, nervous friend. Far out, it was one of the best pieces of dialogue I’ve read this year. And it’s a gamble - because if it doesn’t work, it’s a couple hundred of lost words on a tight word limit. But it works.

I love scene changes. I know some people have spoken out loudly against the idea of scene changes within promos, but I love it. I feel there’s more story to be told. Of course, on Asylum, you can’t do it much because it takes words away from match-specifics. But you’ve done it pretty flawlessly here. And it all adds weight to the story.

Finally, I definitely want to know where this story takes us. I really do want to know where this all finished. Do you have the story mapped out? I mean, you’ve called this ‘Issue One’ - how many issues in this arc?

What To Work On
With so much good in here, there is a glaring point: How is this any different to a House Show post? That’s the question I find myself asking. I’ll go through why I ask this:

- There are references to your last match (Elimination Chamber) and the effects of it (to an extent).
- There is nothing about this week’s match.
- There’s no mention of anyone from APW (other than Callahan and his posse, of course).

So I’m left wondering is this something that actually contributes to the match this week or is it character building. If it’s character building, ok, good. We all need to do that every now and then. Heck, we all should do that every now and then. But without a reference to the match ... I mean, could you have posted this against any opponent on any show for any match? If yes, then my personal belief is that it need improvement in that area.

I don’t mean to harp on that stuff. I know you acknowledged it at the start in your original comment, but I just wanted to emphasise what Atken was saying. I really think there should be more match-specific stuff in there rather that, as you said, “a lot of stuff that doesn't directly involve Callahan”.

I feel as though this was maybe too harsh. I love the new style and I’d like to see more match stuff in it. I want to know where the story goes and I want to know how it relates to the wrestling career and stints that Callahan is doing in APW.

... and as I was writing all this, you’ve posted. Saying you’re doing exactly what TMarv and Atken said to do. I’ll just leave it here to show you that you really are a wise and able person because you didn’t need a third person to tell you to do something - you already learned!

Overall, an excellent rp with some room to move it into more of a promo. Awesome new style. Awesome new angle. Awesome new flavour. I love it, and will love Issue Two even more I think!

Keep up the great work!

From the sounds of things, I'm making an episode 2 then and making it more match relevant.

While I value your opinions and am welcoming of more people expressing their views on my work, the one person I'd quite like to hear from is Mr. Kurt Noble. Afterall it was him who suggested the stylistic change (not the Sin City element, just doing it in general) and I'd like to see how he thinks I've applied his advice.

[John Chellios]

I don't see how this rp is 'Sin City' influenced other than the fact the scene changes either 'fast-forward' or different scenario altogether, which isn't a unique thing at all. It's a fairly common style in rping, but nevertheless, the main reason why you've shaken shit up is so your rps don't read like a boxed tv episode and is more 'worldly'. That's fine, but it's a cosmetic decision and nothing more.

A complaint mentioned already is how your rps can feel 'formulaic' despite the 'quality'. Me, I don't think you should worry about that since efedding isn't a place where we writers all gather together and create thorough stories as colorful as a rainbow. This is a writing competition, with its main focus commonly on 'trash talk'. There is absolutely no way to avoid formulaic structuring when doing that as its format is basically similar to writing a persuasive essay.

I'm pretty unfamiliar with the criteria around here, so who really knows how to provide you useful constructive criticism? I'm just going to tell you from a regular reader's perspective that what you're doing is good because:

(a) people in efedding suck. why? it's unfairly hard to tell a good storyline due to either dropouts, non-angling, no-selling, among other trickery. if you have nothing to go on after a show, and are just tossed into another random match without any build or sense of purpose, naturally, a writer relies on 'Character Development' pieces to either give his character more layering or complications the booker isn't.

(b) not everything has to be straightforward. The outside-of-the-ring problems can equally be as relevant as whatever drama is happening inside the locker-room because it can indirectly influence Callahan's mind, general well-being and how he handles himself in-ring. For example, if Michael says no to helping his ex get whatever medical bullshit she needs, that's some serious shit. It'll show a darker side to Michael than the happy-go-lucky, opinionated conservative we were introduced to, earlier this year. It subtly furthers the development of Michael finally using a weapon in-the-ring. And it promises a change of principle and understanding.

Now, I'm not someone who says "yo, read between the lines!" because rps shouldn't be jigsaw puzzles, but this 'Constitutional Crisis' isn't trying to be that at all. It's actually pretty clear in its direction, purpose and relevance. It's just not Callahan spiting his thoughts out to a camera recording, but Callahan in the midst of relevant thoughts and actions that just happen to be off-camera.

[SalTal]

Nov 4, 2012 7:52:11 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

I don't see how this rp is 'Sin City' influenced other than the fact the scene changes either 'fast-forward' or different scenario altogether

There's that, obviously.

There's a more fluid movement between the spoken dialogue and internal monologue, rather than a third person description. And it's further differentiated from the character narrating, it's taking us inside the character's head at the time of action, not past it.

There's darker, grittier elements to the story. Granted, not as much as you find in Sin City, but there are threads of it here - more than you would find in most others. Seems to be drawing on the genre of the graphic novel.

There's a strange contrast of the technical, formal, non-conversational in the 'narration' to the natural dialogue, again really standing out that difference in voice that Sin City certainly emphasises with some of its more masculine, brooding characters.

There's some interesting turn-of-phrases, some interesting comparisons to get across an image - metaphors and similes and the like. Again, something that Miller doesn't just use in Sin City but in his writing mainly from the 90s onwards (what I would say was an evolution from his 80s works).

If it was only one or two of these things, I would probably agree with you John. But when all of these elements come together, to a reasonable degree of strength, I think most people could settle that there is an 'influence' in there.

[John Chellios]

I reckon you're over-evaluating. Proof is that none of that shit is evident.

[SalTal]

Nov 4, 2012 8:25:34 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

I reckon you're over-evaluating. Proof is that none of that shit is evident.

So I just made it up then?

lol ok.

[John Chellios]

lol more like you're terribly exaggerating the depth, creativity and thought that went into this roleplay as if it's moving mountains or raising islands from beneath seas.

[SalTal]

Nov 4, 2012 8:34:57 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

lol more like you're terribly exaggerating the depth, creativity and thought that went into this roleplay as if it's moving mountains or raising islands from beneath seas.

Well, in an accusation like that there would certainly have to be a motive. Please, what is it? Because I certainly don't know what it is!

Though, if anyone is exaggerating, I'd say it's you: I said nothing of mountains, islands, or seas. I simply pointed out stylistic features which were apparent and common between the two.

[John Chellios]

everyday commons in literature not worth going into the amount of detail we've gone. it's a trivial thought, is my point.

p.s. mountains and the like represent how 'deep' this rp has 'touched' you, seemingly.

[SalTal]

Nov 4, 2012 8:42:15 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

everyday commons in literature not worth going into the amount of detail we've gone. it's a trivial thought, is my point.

p.s. mountains and the like represent how 'deep' this rp has 'touched' you, seemingly.

Just trying to be helpful, instead of an ass.

Seems like you took a different route. And all the power to you!

[John Chellios]

This thread alone is more darker and grittier than the rp. Case closed.

[Evan De Parker]

What a dick.

[Michael Callahan]

Nov 4, 2012 10:50:02 GMT -4 Evan De Parker said:

What a dick.

I thought you loved me. :/

[Evan De Parker]

After that work of filth?! No. Hell no.

...

(Reading the RP forreal now)

[Phil Atken]

This was quite possibly the most erotic RP in APW history. I got a lot of 50 Shades of Grey themes from it and I thought they really shone through. Especially as Callahan handled his ammo, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

(it's almost as if different people get different things out of reading an RP!!!!)

[Metrodamus]

I'm going with the missus on this one. Not because she's the missus but let's be honest ... Big Bad Bowl of Chellios' can't even type properly. If I didn't know it was Jake Norton/Matty Rodrigo/Gub's I'd think Shane Borderland was back in this mother fucker.

You're opinion is irrelevant fucktard!

[Michael Callahan]

Nov 4, 2012 11:57:27 GMT -4 Metrodamus said:

Big Bad Bowl of Chellios' can't even type properly.

Nov 4, 2012 11:57:27 GMT -4 Metrodamus said:

You're opinion is irrelevant fucktard!

Nov 4, 2012 11:57:27 GMT -4 Metrodamus said:

You're opinion

Nov 4, 2012 11:57:27 GMT -4 Metrodamus said:

You're

[Metrodamus]

At least I use proper capitals.

[SalTal]

Nov 4, 2012 11:02:58 GMT -4 Phil Atken said:

(it's almost as if different people get different things out of reading an RP!!!!)

Mind = blown.

[John Chellios]

michael, you should be happy that so many want to interpret your rps like poetry

[Metrodamus]

Nov 4, 2012 17:22:12 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

michael, you should be happy that so many want to interpret your rps like poetry

What sort of third world keyboard are you using that your shift key doesn't work?

[John Chellios]

EXCUSE ME?

[John Chellios]

also, what would anyone have against the 'third world' ?

[Delikado]

Nov 4, 2012 17:37:26 GMT -4 John Chellios said:

also, what would anyone have against the 'third world' ?

It's a poor man's first world.

[Metrodamus]

The alternative was to compare you to Borderland and as much as I dislike him, I didn't want to do him the disservice.

[biggs]

John, I'm just going to come out and say that you seem unnecessarily hostile. If you're here to pick a fight, I would encourage you to reconsider. Don't be a butthead.