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Post by Zak Warner on Nov 4, 2012 2:32:09 GMT -4
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John Chellios
Door man
i'm so glad i have respect in other people's efeds
Posts: 12
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Post by John Chellios on Nov 4, 2012 3:05:04 GMT -4
Are you asking for feedback to learn how to write better rps on the fly?
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Post by SalTal on Nov 4, 2012 4:08:19 GMT -4
The Good
You have some very good descriptions in there, some that really help set the scene and the tone. It helps to set up the tone from the very start, and you are doing that. Continuing to refine this will help create even stronger promos. But you have a good foundation here to work from, so well done.
You have a good narrative voice. I quote like it, the way that the white text talks not just in objective, third-person parts but more of a narrating voice through it. I find it is quite like the way I write the narrative voice, along with some others. Strengthening this will certainly get more readers engaged and let you build some excellent visuals with you words, so definitely keep that up.
You have a strong character voice. I could get a sense of a Zak Warner in there. Over time, it will get stronger, and because you already have the makings of something distinct in there, you will have a very strong one with more time under you belt. So keep this up as well.
When you started on the paragraph that begins “I watched as the ...” I was instantly reminded of ‘Howl’ by Allen Ginsberg. And, because that’s one of my favourite pieces of poetry I will give you bonus points (on the magical and non-existent point scoring system I have). If you meant to do it or not, doesn’t matter. You got my attention and I’ll be watching you for a while now to see what other quirks/surprises you might include.
I like how you started with the song. Perhaps in the future, use it as a binding message for your whole promo. Take out the message from the song and then use it as your approach to the match? Anyway, the fact that you’re already thinking along these lines is a good start.
Things To Work On
First up, watch those sentence lengths. That first paragraph is one sentence. It’s not a particular glaring problem, but there’s a couple of noticeable points where they run on.
At times, I think the description goes a bit too far. While I’ve said already that there’s some good stuff, there is some stuff that stands out as a bit ... excessive? Something like:
and:
They are just a bit, I don’t know, over the top? I don’t mean to be mean. I just think, when I’m writing or reading, “Could the atmosphere be built in a shorter, more direct way?”. If you’re trying for a silent room being broken by the entrance of warner, I think the footsteps is probably enough, into the music. But the footsteps should be louder, much louder. If it’s a silent room, any noise is going to psychologically be loud.
I know, i’ve got caught on a point that is, largely, trivial. I think the crux of what I’m trying to say is: Be direct and selective with the descriptions you are including.
I was a bit lost when it come to the overall message. You made the point that Warner had helped build EPW and GWC (two places I don’t know, so their importance is lost on me), and had been surrounded by the “trail blazers” (who I also don’t know) and that the whole state of wrestling has declined since they left the business, etc. I understood that ... and then you seem to indicate that APW is a new opportunity for you to change and grow. I couldn’t personally resolve how there is this overt loathing and hatred for the state of the business, but that APW bucks that trend. Perhaps a better line would have been that APW is exactly like everywhere else and that Warner was sick of sitting on the side and watching it happen. And where else to make that change than the worst of the worst: APW. Then again, that seemed to be the angle you were going for at the end, talking about evolution and revolution. I just think that the angle could have been tighter here, the theme a bit more connected. I might be the only one here though who felt that, so definitely seek out some other people for feedback here (Kurt Noble is probably the best we have for it!).
Match reference were a bit scarce. There was more on you own past, which is fine in a debut. But after talking about how great other places were and other wrestlers were, and all this stuff about your own past, Warner says:
And then there’s just some short match references. Granted, you’re debuting, your opponents are new too, and there’s nothing of an APW past for you to reference yet ... I think you could have touched on the match in a more significant way here. You talk about how good Warner is in tag matches ... what qualities and skills does he have that made him so good in the past? You talk about how Warner won’t be ‘mundane’ ... so what will he actually do and say that separates him from the rest? You talk about how Warner is going to revolutionise APW ... so what exactly does he want to do?
Overall
Overall, a great start for your character. You certainly have solid foundations and elements here that will undoubtedly see you grow and improve to no end. I’m sure that next time, you will find some more time to write a more fuller promo (tell your friends to schedule their traveling around your schedule next time!) that touches on all of these things. The benefit of starting on Meltdown (as opposed to the old days when you could start on one of the others shows) is that you now have the time to work on all this stuff. Consider the lead up to Christmas Chaos (our last pay per view of the year) as a chance to start refining some of these things: cohesiveness, description, standing out. You can experiment, work on things, get feedback again, and then keep on getting bigger and better, instead of getting lost in the shuffle like so many people have previously.
Keep up the good work, and I’m very keen to see what you come out with in the future!
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Post by Phil Atken on Nov 4, 2012 11:01:14 GMT -4
Again, I can't beat Sally for depth of feedback.
Just be careful with consistency in the RP, to spend half of it throwing out names not a lot of people in APW would be aware of and now defunct feds, only to switch over and start saying you don't want to talk about the past... it's all a bit off. I think it would've served you better, if you wanted to explore the past, to fully acknowledge the impact your history has had upon you, while focusing more on the important aspects of your future in APW. The line Sally has quoted really hurts you there. I would've taken out that second sentence because you've just basically admitted, in character, the first part of your RP wasted everyone's time.
I'm always a bit funny with regards to mentioning past feds to try and build up your character in a new one. I mean, there's always a fine line with this stuff, especially if you're a legacy character but I think the best way to go normally, instead of making direct references to people and places, focus more on the events that made the character who he is. Don't just mentioned EPW and GWC, instead look at your history of working hard everywhere you go, trying to carry these promotions on your back, trying to establish a legacy on what wrestling SHOULD be. That kind of stuff. I think motivation does a bigger service than direct references.
In saying that, I actually do like the character. I actually see a lot of what I was aiming for when I came into APW in it. A character with a grand history elsewhere, afraid to see his legacy fade away and wanting to do something about it. Honestly, Warner strikes me as Atken without the humour in terms of the motivation and outlook.
Overall, I think there's massive potential there, I think your only failing right now is a lack of consistency within the promo that is probably much due to the fact it was a rush job. Put up a thread next time you RP because I think a lot of my issues and Sally's will be dealt with if you put more time into the work.
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Post by Zak Warner on Nov 4, 2012 11:08:19 GMT -4
i appreciate the advice, and will definitely work it all into my next one. I was just worried that if i didnt get it out, i wouldnt have time before the deadline and would hate to be a noshow.
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