There Was Subtlety Here...Now It's On Crack

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
B O S S
Episode 23 – “There Was Subtlety Here...Now It's On Crack”

Mark Mania has won, and glory be restored to the APW Overdrive Championship!

Amen! Delikado’s reign of stupidness is over, and now we can REALLY get back to quality programming and top-tier athleticism in the APW ring. Instead of all that gay rabies stuff.

Agreed, you hot thing of smartness! All that’s left is this week’s match, where Mark Mania and Nick Watson finish off that Cuban scum for good, not to mention that nutjob woman-assaulter he calls a partner, Evan Envi!

Woooo! I am SO excited to see Mark Mania and Nick Watson, the NEW Champions of APW, do damage. SON! Things can’t EVER go wrong for us AGAIN!

The gathering of Mark Mania fanboys cheer and raise their plastic Overdrive Championships into the air. With a mighty “GLOOBLOOLOOBLOOLOOBLOOOOOOO!” as their war cry, the overweight, pimple-faced, plumbers of society, dressed to their sweat-drenched skin in Mark Mania attire, chant “MAN-I-A-! MAN-I-A! MAN-I-A! MAN-I-A!” in unison, which echoes throughout the Starbucks, annoying the shit out of everyone else who is just there for a cappuccino, or taco, or beer, or whatever else people drink at coffee shops.

BAH-BAM!

Suddenly, the glass door is kicked in by Boss Delikado, who immediately flings a fully-loaded champagne bottle at the nearest Mania fan’s head, knocking him out cold! Delikado immediately marches through the Starbucks as the rest of the Mania fans turn with a frightful, surprised gasp! But DA BAWSE is not alone, as Ron Reynolds charges in behind Delikado and moves aggressively toward another fanboy. Reynolds grabs a hot cup of joe and splashes it into the young man’s eyes, blinding him!

Joe the Fanboy: Noooo! I’ve already had FIVE cups of coffee thrown into my small-boy eyes today! No more! No mooooooore—

Ron Reynolds silences the bawling bitch’s problem-announcing with a hard uppercut that knocks him to the floor and walks away with a satisfied look. Delikado’s right-hand-lady Sofia Monzón enters the Starbucks now, brandishing a sleek, all-black whip that she cracks and clutches between her sexy fingers, and as she treks through the shop past the cowering not-Delikado-fans, she’s followed by Dee-Struction-Forte, Boss Delikado’s previously-discarded-but-now-suddenly-returned-because-fuck-you-I-changed-my-mind-and-I-call-the-shots-in-this-story teenaged daughter. Dee-Struction wields a pair of tonfa, and looks quite dangerous with them as she jumps over a Starbucks table and lands before a group of Mania fans.

Her papa, Mister Cuba, steps up next to Dee-Struction and lifts up his signature champagne bottle and grips it in both hands as he walks around the Starbucks. He glances down at the Overdrive Championship replica belts the Mania fans had and scoffs through his grown-out goatee.

Delikado curb stomps the replica of the title belt he once possessed until it snaps under the pressure of his Bawse boot. This sends a shriek through the gutless fanboys, until Delikado cracks one of them over the head with the champagne bottle. Dee-Struction flips a table over onto a duo of hiders, splashing coffee and Mark Mania memorabilia all over the place, before she moves away with a cute throw-back of her hair.

Meanwhile, the title-less Boss Delikado stares at scattered, newly-made posters of Mark Mania and professional photographs taken from “One Night in Hell” where Mark Mania successfully defeated Delikado and became the new Overdrive Champion. Seeing his enemy hoisting the title belt into the air and frozen with a victorious smile, Delikado inhales and exhales deeply with pause. His eyes twitch ever-so-slightly as he tightens his grip on his champagne bottle to the point of solid-white-knuckles.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW OVERDRIVE CHAMPION: MARK MANIA!!

Boss Delikado’s eyes get wider and wider as he stares at Mark Mania’s face and reminds himself of the bad joke that was his title match, not to mention all the rabies-giving plotting that had preceded the day. Delikado reaches his free hand out toward the poster, taking a hold of Mark’s photographed face. The Cuban begins to pull onto the paper, stretching it out toward him to the point we hear tearing noises, which only seems to infuriate and encourage Delikado’s madness more and more and more as he pulls until—

Sofia Monzón: Del.

Delikado spins around with his champagne bottle in attack mode, until he realizes it’s just Sofia. He lowers his weapon with narrowed eyes. Sofia can’t help but grin slightly as she takes note of how edgy Da Bawse is. Delikado pushes past her and walks around the Starbucks, looking at the cowering Mark Mania fans with little more than disgust. Suddenly, one of the less-fat twits rolls up and begins to hobble for the door.

Fat Twit: *panting* Must…tell….Mark….Mania!

Young Dee-Struction quickly cuts the doughboy off as she leaps across the room like an athletic Cuban-American velociraptor and smacks the twit in his manboobs with her tonfa and then blasts him in the gut, dropping him like a heavy load of fat…which is what he is! Meanwhile Sofia and Ron Reynolds gather round the rest of the fanboys while the Starbucks front door opens with a ring and The Carringtons (Jet and Moss) enter, along with Lily Smith. Sofia kicks one fan in his ass to hurry him up with the rest of the group; she turns toward a freshly made cup of coffee sitting on the counter, eyes the Starbucks worker, and then uses her whip to snap the cup of hot coffee into her hand, a la Indiana Jones. Sofia sips from the coffee as she cheekily walks past the surprised worker.

By now, the Deli Tee Vee gang has accumulated into the Starbucks and rounded up the Mark Mania fanboys, with lawyer Manny Valdez, Delikado’s girlfriend Ariel Hassle, and Dr. Apartment entering last, looking less equipped than their DTV comrades, but as prepped as any for the shenanigans ahead. Dee-Struction is seen going through some of the Mark Mania merchandise when she happens upon an iPad that the Mania nerds were watching. Noticing Mania’s face on it, Delikado’s daughter brings the iPad over to Mister Cuba and the gang. The DTV staffers are going about their business getting situated with Deli Tee Vee cameras while Delikado is in the background, looking distracted as he stares at the floor and paces. Sofia is finishing the cup of coffee she took while the Carringtons split a bagel. Dee-Struction presses play on the iPad and it starts up in mid-video. The resounding, confident voice of Mark Mania in his last recorded “From the desk of Mark Mania” echoes throughout the Starbucks.

“…after our match at One Night in Hell, you’ll be in the cage, and I’ll be standing in the ring with my Overdrive title. I’ll be the new hero of the APW and the new face of the Overdrive division.”

Time seems to stop completely. Dr. Apartment looks over to Delikado, who has stopped dead in his tracks but remains staring to the ground, as if in a trance, and seems to wonder if he should grab some of the Cuban’s rabies medication. The video continues to play as everyone tensely stands and listens.

“We can stop concerning ourselves every week with what kind of crazy action is Delikado going to get into, because you will be gone.”

Delikado lifts his head up and stares directly at the iPad. The Mania fans try to hide their looks of inspiration, fearing what Deli and the gang might do if they catch their expressions. Delikado inhales softly and makes a beeline for the iPad. He stops before his daughter and holds out his hand, silently demanding the device. Dee-Struction would dare not disobey her papa and she places the iPad in his palm. The ex-Overdrive Champion takes the device and looks at its screen. He stares at Mark Mania in the video as the audio reaches the last seconds.

“But finally, after Sunday night, it will be over. Finally, after Sunday night, you will be over.”

The video stops and Delikado stares at Mania’s frozen face on the screen. His burning eyes snap up and glide along the faces of his employees, as if he’s trying to read their minds on the issue of his loss. Boss Delikado proceeds to take the iPad, jerk up one of the lead Mark Mania fans by his shirt, and bash the iPad repeatedly over his head until the device snaps from the brute force brought upon it. Silence once again falls on the Starbucks as Delikado continues to look around at his people. He swallows heavily and with pause before turning his head and taking a few steps away. Nobody says a peep, though their discouragement is visible. It isn’t exactly a secret that the last month or so has SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED for the Deli Tee Vee entertainment empire. Delikado inhales and exhales heavily as he looks upon the rounded up Mark Mania fans.

That’s when red and blue lights flash outside the Starbucks and the team looks out to find that some cops have shown up. No doubt some COWARD squealed, fearing the wrath of Deli and pals. Boss Delikado snaps his fingers and his people begin to quickly file out the back door in silence. Delikado is the last one to move as he looks back at the collected Mark Mania fans.

Boss Delikado: “Over?” Delikado’s just getting started.

With a vengeful, angry scowl, the Cuban lurches forward, arcs his leg up, and delivers a swift Last Call to Cuba onto the closest fan, sending him flying into the others and causing them all to cave in on each other like bowling pins in defeat. Delikado smiles with a little satisfaction, enough to last him a few minutes, before he looks up at a Mark Mania poster. He looks to the Overdrive Championship replicas in memory of his own belt, and then walks out of the back of the Starbucks, finding his Deli Tee Vee staffers have assembled their vehicles. The Cuban jumps into his own Smart Car Monster Truck and pops a cigar into his mouth.

Lighting it up, Boss Delikado takes a puff of his cigar, blows the smoke into the air, and rides away from the Starbucks with his crew, with the roaring of his vehicle’s engine echoing across the lands as the DTV entertainment gang makes its exit. The team’s down in the wake of One Night in Hell and Mark Mania’s Overdrive title achievement….but they’re not out. If anything, as their merciless, bold attack on the Starbucks has just shown, the assembled force is upping its intensity toward a whole new level of COOL and WICKED BAWSENESS for the fight ahead within the APW…

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Road to Washington, D.C.

The gang has decided to halt their road trip momentarily and have since piled out at a gas station. Boss Delikado is finishing his cigar as he stares out on the horizon toward DC, as if he’s looking beyond, to the Verizon Center, to his next match, perhaps something of his temporary finale against Mark Mania (including Nick Watson of course). The Cuban’s daughter approaches him and he snaps his fingers at her.

Boss Delikado: Keep watch for any lesser medias. No doubt they’ll pester Delikado for his words. He’s not in the mood to give them words.

The 14-year-old nods and goes on the lookout as Delikado walks over to the rest of his staff. He rubs his goatee and sighs as he listens to them chat amongst themselves.

Ron Reynolds: Seriously, tagging with Envi against Mark Mania and Nick Watson AGAIN? I understand there’s an audience for reruns, but doing reruns already hurts ratings! For us AND APW…

Jet Carrington: And repetition is totally up the alley of Mania Enterprises, not to mention Nick Watson’s shtick the last few months. Give them recyclable ideas with title belts around both their waists, we don’t stand a chance. We’re doomed! DOOOOOMED! DOO--

Sofia smacks the Carrington. The tough bitch then rolls her neck and crosses her arms, frowning in thought as she eyes Delikado with his smoking cigar.

Sofia: What’re we thinking? Should we plant evidence? Attack their next of kin or friends? It’s been proven mind-games work on both of them. Hell, it worked in the first tag match, and they had Smith to back them up then.

Manny the lawyer shakes his head as he straightens his tie.

Manny Valdez: That was when they thought it was do or die time, when their careers may very well have depended on the next outcome. Whether we want to admit it or not, the theoretical advantage belongs to Mania and Watson now. Also, in my law-degree earned opinion, attacking or even threatening those closest to them will just make us look desperate, not to mention it’ll fire them up to hammer us down deeper. The fans are fickle people, and in their eyes, the men with the shiny prizes on their shoulders have the most evidence to back up any claims they make.

Dr. Apartment: Yes, and in my doctor/medical degree earned opinion, the mentality of our opponents, their egos, will be twice what they were before One Night in Hell. They’ll shrug off a lot more of what we try now. Of course, I’m also an eye surgeon, so I could hazard a guess they’ll be blinded by their newfound glory from an Envikado sneak attack; that is, if we coordinate it properly. If we use some of what Watson and Mania used to win at the Pay-Per-View, humbled but determined confidence, the team could blast right into their team like a freight train on a cow. It would be messy for the cow, but effective for the train. Trust me, I’m a doctor. I know things.

Ron Reynolds: But-But Deli Tee Vee has ALWAYS been about being the outright greatest and most bold in our unbiased confidence and love of self! That’s how we achieved the highest ratings in recent APW programming history! If we try to fight fire with fire in terms of looking toned down or censored in our FACTS! like those other losers, it could spell out public humiliation for Delikado, DTV, and our entire APW dream!

Still rubbing his jaw from where Sofia struck him, Jet whimpers.

Jet: The dream is dead! No! Nooooo—

Again Jet is met with a slap to bring him out of the mental danger zone. The gang looks unsure as they glance down the road toward Washington and then to their TV/recording equipment. Boss Delikado steps forward, having listened to some of the opinions of his staff.

Boss Delikado: The best option for Delikado, Envikado, is to drag those bastards through the mud. Mania and Watson, they’re the bad guys here, and we need to make it evident…by their OWN hands!

Ron Reynolds: Bawse, we’ve been TRYING to make them look bad ever since the match was announced. Hell, ever since One Night in Hell we’ve at least published some “Mania’s Gonna Kill Yo G-Ma” banners for his Overdrive reign. And then we attacked his fanclub meeting back at the Starbucks. Can’t forget about the night we hurled dog shit and Korans through Christian church windows to weaken Watson’s case. Speaking of which, just HOW did that—

Boss Delikado: Shut up, Ron Reynolds, you do not have the intelligence to question Delikado’s in…CREDIBLE plots. But what that accomplished was a counterattack on Watson’s insistence to use the name of God in all his speeches against me and Envi and others of good nature like us. “God bless you?” Please...

Delikado looks up to the sky and kisses his finger before holding it up.

Boss Delikado: You understand what we did, G-Man. We’re watching out for you like you’re gonna watch out for us when you give Watson face herpes.

He looks back to his team as he takes a puff of his cigar.

Boss Delikado: Anyway. Delikado’s point of conquest is to tinker with a whole new level of opponent gouging. Something more subtle and symbolic, but still excellently in our favors. We attack their fans, Mark Mania’s fans, Nick Watson’s fans, anyone else’s fans who has the gall to question our pristine niceness. We rough ‘em up, and then when match time comes, we do major damage onto our opponents. From there the fans see they’re being represented by Champions who not only can’t represent their title or division proudly through sexy wins in the ring, they can’t even guard their own fanbase from us! It’ll make them out to look like TOTAL disgraces, and people will recall the days when Delikado was Overdrive Champion, or Evan Envi was Xtreme Champion. Those were the good old days; you know, the days nobody got hurt but those who brought it upon themselves. The APW kingdom will turn on Mania and Watson, throwing them out of our ring and stripping them of the titles they won by means of ill-manner. The children will cry out and beg for the return of the good guys, their heroes in Envikado, to the top of the title belt staus quo…which we will politely accept like Bawses.

It started with the church, people of faith now wondering in sadness of just where and WHY Nick Watson isn’t around, helping them out since he’s all “God bless ya nose, I be Xtreme Champ, sucka!” Delikado talked to Evan, and he’s totally on board with that program, not to mention hammering the shit out of that whiny little runt. It’ll make One Night in Hell out to look like the fluke it totally was, and after the tag match falls under another win for Envikado, the most BADASS team in APW, Watson’s gonna be set straight for a downward demise. The fans will see he uses God’s name when he should REALLY be using Satan’s name, because he’s a total commie who hates the APW. That’ll piss them off, because people are religious and stuff. Watson will turn into WatsDONE, and APW will begin shipping his piss-poor ass back to wrestling school, or maybe a high school drama class where he can cook up something that doesn’t totally go against what the Xtreme Championship is SUPPOSED to be about!

Delikado dabs his cigar ashes toward the pavement and sighs as he stares down at his empty waist.

Boss Delikado: And with our fanclub attack, we’ll corner that rabies-giving, Taser-using, Overdrive-title-embarrassing THUG Mark Mania. Sure, those 72 virgins might try to rally APW against us since we attacked them, make US look like the villains, but it won’t matter once we win this week, and once Mania’s title reign falls flat on its face the moment he gets an actual challenger and doesn’t have a freaking GUN to use—illegally, Delikado might add. Even Batman had a phase where people were like “Wut…dude…Bat-nipples?” and he lost favor with the masses. That’s what Mark Mania’s destined for, and while Delikado hates to admit it, the Overdrive title had to be sacrificed so we could work toward Marky’s ultimate end. Title knew the risk though, and it’s what he would want…

Moss Carrington: Wait, what?

Boss Delikado: *ignoring* Mark Mania’s “Bat nipples” moment shall be when he is pounded into a pulp by the first NOT-Delikado to challenge him for the Overdrive title! When his reign can’t even go ONE retain, the APW masses will realize all along that he was a bully, a monster, an outright SHIT-STAIN on APW’s sexy thong of worldly wrestling. And even then that fanbase will be stewing from Mania’s lack of effort to protect them from assault—because he’s out and about shooting BOWS like a pillaging, native SAVAGE.

Take Delikado’s word, Mark Mania will ignore today’s attack, he will do nothing to prevent a second one! He announced Delikado would be gone after One Night in Hell, and yet here Deli be’s! Be’s right here, and right there was proven wrong! Wrong, and he hasn’t even been on APW television with the belt yet! No Champion is THAT pathetic…until now. And so when his ignored, bruised, humiliated fans lose their one saving grace in seeing Mania crumble in the squared circle, they’ll exile him and blacklist his pathetic-ness to a whole other realm, where he’ll NEVER get the chance to achieve greatness like Delikado tried to offer him before he brought rabies and bows and arrows and stun guns and ugly, stupidity on the name of Overdrive and Action Packed Wrestling! FACT!

The tag match this week, Envikado versus Team Mania, with Nick Watson, kick-starts ALL of what Delikado has said. It is an ingenious plan from a Cuban whose fire is just getting warmed up in his flaming condition. Delikado will be a flamer of revolution for APW, and mark the words, boys and girls and Ron Reynolds, we’re going from athlete to athlete, all up and down the roster, to find who’s WITH the good guys like us, the REAL APW, and who’s against it in favor of the laughing stock FALSE APW sucked off for by the likes of Mark Mania and Nick Watson, the “placeholder champions!” We just gotta push a little more, pull off a few more stunts like today, and people are going to realize their mistakes in loving anyone but ME. Our day, Deli Tee Vee’s day, Envikado’s days, APW’s best days, are truly ahead of us, courtesy of Delikado and all he does for all!

Suddenly off to the side, Ariel Hassle throws up in the grass and Delikado, who has extended his arms up in a mighty posture, turns his head toward his vomiting girlfriend.

Boss Delikado: *mumbling* Bitch just can’t let me finish first…

Lily Smith goes to check on her friend as Ariel spits and groans tiredly. Delikado crosses his arms over his chest as his eyes narrow.

Boss Delikado: We gotta find a new base while we’re at it. Castle Delikado isn’t complete yet, and Delikado refuses to return to that rabies-filled tabloid building.

Sofia: What about heading back to Alaska?

Boss Delikado: Nah, Delikado wants somewhere that’s closer to the APW where he can think and act quick, not to mention someplace that’s part of the United States. A place that can stand as the foundation for Deli Tee Vee Two-Point-Overwhelmingly-Awesome and give you guys the time to recover and give me ultimate praises.

Ariel is being guided back to one of the cars, looking pale and somewhat sickly. She looks back to Delikado, who puffs on his cigar and carelessly tosses it into a ditch.

Ron Reynolds: So are you ready to head out to Washington and carry out your ingenious plan then, Bawse?

Boss Delikado: Like a Bawse.

Ron Reynolds: Cool. We’ll just gather up the gear and be on our—

Boss Delikado: Yeahsurewhatever.

Delikado dismisses the meeting and his staffers go about gathering up everything to resume their journey to Washington, except for Dr. Apartment who walks over to the Cuban as he paces in quiet thought.

Dr. Apartment: If I may, Mr. Delikado, my doctor-skills and brains advise me to bring up the question of whether you’re ready for all of this. Since One Night in Hell you’ve completely uprooted your team, discarded most of your remaining armada, and it’s been one location to another nonstop. Are you sure Mark Mania and Nick Watson are worth the strain this could potentially be having?

Boss Delikado: Shit’s ALWAYS worth it when you’re Delikado. He’s so amazing, isn’t he?

Dr. Apartment: ……Yes, but if I may times two, your plotting and acts of vengeance may be causing you to miss the bigger picture. Your girlfriend, for instance.

Boss Delikado: Pfft, bitches always puke when Delikado ups the intensity. You saw how nervous Mark Mania got when he turned that Taser on me, it’s just human nature that the human nature can’t contend with a Bawse like me! Ariel’s fine. Delikado’s fine. The bigger picture…is fucking FINE, doctor.

Delikado turns away from Dr. Apartment and walks back toward his Smart Car Monster Truck as the good doctor glances toward Ariel in a different vehicle, sitting in the passenger seat looking distant and nauseous. Dr. Apartment sighs heavily and walks to the group as the Delikado gang hits the road yet again, setting its sights dead on the new Champions of Overdrive, Mark Mania and Nick Watson, in tag team action-y goodness.

The scene cuts to black.