Looking for RP feed back please.

[The Smooth One]

Let me try this again...
Hey this is my 5th RP EVER!!!! and I'd appreciate some feedback.
I wish I had done this on my earlier RP's but I was still working my way through the various boards and tools.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=12881

Preciate it.

Smooth

[The Main Attraction]

Be patient brah no reason to double post...

[The Smooth One]

Nah the first time I got a response of thanks as if I was saying thanks for the feedback I had receive when actually I hadn't received any. I am not ruching anyone...I was just trying to follow proper protocol for this board. Thanks

[SalTal]

First time I’ve read any of your stuff, so apologies if anyone has said any of this already.

I liked the promo, overall. It’s different to the stock-standard promos, and it’s got some life to it. I think, given the nature of your promo, breaking it down into categories of feedback will give you a chance to really focus on certain things in the coming weeks, rather than trying for some whole-sale change (which is usually what the form of my feedback comes in).

Structure, aka: The least important part to modify, but the easiest to do. [/b]

The structure here needs to be distinct, and you are getting there. You’ve got separate and isolated sections, which is good. If you’re writing a genuine diary, it needs to be ‘entry-fied’, and you’re along the way to getting there so well done.

The thing with a diary though, it doesn’t record real-time action as you have included. It’s all about the past and the future, rarely about what you’re doing while writing (though certainly how you’re feeling is valid). So, straight away, I’d be suggesting getting rid of those actions in between the entries and replacing them with something. Subheadings perhaps? Nothing? Different dates to break the entires over a couple of days rather than a slather from the same day (in much the same way people have ‘scenes’ within their promos). Either way, work on those actions in between the entry.

You’re going with a constant format, week in and week out. You’re, essentially, writing a book. You want to catch people’s eyes and you want to stand out, especially going with a different approach too. Might I suggest some sort of banner. I don’t know how graphically-inclined you are, but something right up the top (not huge, just a strip banner or something) that goes ... BAM! You’re now reading the Smooth Journal. If you’re nice to people here and hang around, you might even get a graphics person to jump on that request. I think it would add a nice little feature to your promos.

Style, aka: The most important part to modify, but the hardest to do.[/b]

Overall, I feel that your style is quite good. Given that this is, what? Your fifth promo, you’re well ahead of most! You’ve got a voice coming through, and you’ve certainly got a handle on the sorts of things to be saying. It’s usually at this point that I give a reassuring pat on the proverbial back and say “You’re doing alright but you need to make sure you’re focused on APW, even if you don’t have much to talk about”. Not the case with you - you’re already doing that. You’re making a mere four week experience the catalyst of your reflection, and that means you’re keeping it in-house and that means success down the line.

Grammar is something to definitely work on. There are times when you need to break up clauses in a sentence to really accentuate the meaning and make the whole thing flow. Take, for example:

I am filet mignon you are ground beef.

It really should read like:

I am filet mignon, you are ground beef.

That comma breaks up the clauses here, it got an effect (separates the two, you pause slightly between them, and it emphasizes the meaning of each), and it helps to flow the whole thing out. In that same general area in your promo, you do a bit of this (leaving out the comma when you should put it in). That’s a technical thing to be mindful of that Word or spellcheck isn’t going to pick up.

There were some other grammatical points. Some missing full stops, some missing capitals, some erroneous wording, little things. Make sure you proof read is the essential message here.

But, staying with tone, there doesn’t seem to be enough going between the paragraphs/entries. There is a lot of disjointed points here, lacking a real cohesiveness that others can do. Of course, given that you’re still starting out then this is understandable. You think of an idea and you type it out. You pause, write your actions, and then think of a new idea. You should really try and develop a theme, and common message/meaning behind what you’re saying that is carried out across every paragraph.

When I read your promo again, I took note about what each paragraph is about:

1. Talking about the setting
2. Talking about the lack of “smoothness” in all of APW, but generally.
3. You’re the true smooth one that can save APW.
4. Telling the audience that they should be envious of the Smooth One.
5. Tag team tournament run-through
6. Ripping on Delikado
7. Selling Envi
8. Talking to Mannie
9. Talking about team dynamics very generally
10. Talking about the team functioning

Yes, these are all important areas to cover. But can you see how each one is a self-contained idea? How I could take all of these paragraphs, shuffle them up like crazy, and it wouldn’t matter because? I mean, I could read 5-10 and then 1-4 and I would still get the over-arching meaning. What you should be thinking of is threading something consistent, a theme, through all of that so that I have to read it in order. You start with a basic idea of the theme, then it gets more complex and deeper to the point that you have made an original point by the end of it all.

That’s what I’d be working on in this area for the next few weeks. Anything else will complicate the matter and make it more difficult to address this.

Substance, aka: The bit where you win matches.[/b]

At the end of the day, yes you need to present well and speak well, but what you say is going to get you over of not. And while I railed on your linking, you have covered the essential areas in your promo. You have covered, largely, the areas I think that anyone would. You spoke about your team, and your opponents team. You touched on your place in APW, and then reflected on the state of the fed. Overall, you’ve said exactly what needs to be said. So I wouldn’t worry much about what’s happening here just yet.

Indeed, when you start to address the style parts, your depth here - the depth to your substance - will naturally get better, more pointed, and really start to stand you out. Keep at it, keep talking your trash, and keep with your gimmick ere of elitism and rolling out the ‘smoothness’ that separates you from the rest!

Overall, aka: The part where I try to sound like a nice person[/b]

Overall, you have a great promo for someone who is five promos into their ‘career’. The parts that I’ve suggested here are ways to really bump up and boost what you’re doing, because you’re doing a pretty good job to begin with. If you enjoy the hobby for what it is and just want to have fun ... then ignore what I’ve said. But if you want to grow yourself as an efedder, then you’re about ready to start diving into those areas that will separate you from the rest.

Keep up the good work, focus, and I’m sure you’ll be on OverDrive in no time, cotending for something!

[The Smooth One]

THANK YOU I really do appreciate the help!!

Smooth

[Reaver]

this wasnt feedback from sally, this is 1 of her rp's

and still worthy of championship status lol