New Style: Attempt 2

[Michael Callahan]

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=12918

Hey guys, I know I've only just asked for feedback but I've written Constitutional Crisis 2 and tried to adopt everyone's ideas and suggestions into it so if I could get a final piece of word on my new style I'll know whether or not I'm going to continue with it for the foreseeable future.

Thanks!

Also, just so I'm not being a shitlord, review Asylum before you review this.

[SalTal]

Your promo was completely adequate.

Do you think that was enough to get rid of the troll?

Ok then, moving on.

I know you’re probably hanging out for Kurt to reply, so I won’t steal his thunder and give him some things to talk about too.

The narrator’s voice is a bit different to the last one, though I imagine you were writing the last one with a bit of ‘writer’s rush’, scrambling to get this awesome idea down on paper. This time, the narrative voice is a bit more measured, a bit more like things you’ve done in the past. Whether that was the intention or not, the promo had a different vibe, a different feel because of that. At least to me. Not a horrible vibe, but less spontaneous, less fresh as the last one. But that’s all probably too nit-picky: I doubt you know exactly what you did wrong and can’t necessarily correct this next time. Anyway, vibes are promo-to-promo in my experience so it may well be there next time around.

Nice story going on there with the accident, continuing it on. I’m still interested in it, interested in the backstory and what-not. What was the best part of it wasn’t the plot per-se, but more the depth that it revealed of Callahan. I got an insight into the vengeance-mentality, the ‘once crossed, twice burned’ approach to things. Yeah, we all knew Callahan was an ass before this promo, but this promo gives a face to it all and, really, sends him to an even deeper recess of emotional refuge than we’d thought.

Then when the plot goes into the match-based stuff, I was wondering what the connection was. But then, I realised they didn’t need to really connect, do they? They are serving different purposes, so the connection doesn’t need to be there. So I got over that and then went with the trash. I liked how you continued the narrator’s insights into Callahan’s mind. I thought that the trash was pointed and specific and very strong, though brief.

Overall, a good continuation here of your story and the tweaking you’ve done has made it stronger than the previous promo. The feeling is that you’re still finding your feet in this style, and if that’s the case I’m sure that you’ll ease into this and have even stronger promos going forward. Great effort and keep it up!

[Metrodamus]

The above is why she's my better half. I couldn't have phrased it more eloquently if I tried.

[yarmouth1]

I thought it was very good going from one scene back to the other but still keeping in tune with the whole story which is hard to do as that is what am trying at the moment with little success.

I enjoyed it a lot well done fella and top work.