Professor Odakiled Learns About Chemistry!

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
B O S S
Episode 26 – “Professor Odakiled Learns About Chemistry!”

We fade in to a close-up shot of the APW Tag Team Championship belts. Patriotic music kicks off in the background to a narration.

Professor Odakiled: The tournament carries on! Precious belts, deserving a reign under the best tag team in the APW, hang in the balance, as does…the world. Several teams have fallen thus far, proving they were not worthy of the honor to wield these belts and be deemed the future of APW tag teaming. Into the semi-finals we go! This week’s match on Meltdown will give us one of the teams who will fight to bring home the belts to Overdrive once more!

It’s time to look within this battle, time to analyze--without a hint of bias—the teams who stand to win it all…

~Envikado vs. Donald Deruty & Roy Speede~

One side has the be-all, end-all heroes of the REAL APW, Delikado and Evan Envi, versus Donald Duck—sorry, Deruty, I miss-spelled it here. My bad, folks, my Spanish is not very good. Anyway, the team of Donald Duck and Roy Speede. Not sure why it needs an extra “e”, but we’ll play along for journalism! Let’s take a quick look at the team…

The scene changes to the following clip:



The clips ends and the screen remains black for several seconds.

Odakiled: Hmmm…not sure WHAT match it was those two were part of that week. Hell, there’s no indication those guys knew that they were even wrestling! Some teams just bring different ideas to the table, it seems, though I must say that this team does not appear to bring the *right* ideas to the Tag Team Championships, much less the APW as a whole….but who am I to judge—

We cut to Professor Odakiled spinning around in his chair to meet us. He pulls on a pair of glasses, only to pull them off in a dramatic fashion seconds later as we zoom in on his Cuban features.

Odakiled: I am APW correspondent interview-man, Professor Odakiled, and my job is to get down to the bottom of the truths inside the APW’s tie-wearing, silvery glistened pantsuit! This is week two of our series to coincide with the Tag Team Tournament. Like before, some truths will be revealed about the contenders, shocking and grisly in their grisliness, but the men—and maybe a chick or two—must be scrutinized with a fiber-delicate comb to see if in fact they ARE material enough to be the next Tag Team Champions of the WoOoOoOoOoOoOrldddddduh! With that said, let’s get on with the interview!!!!

~Week 2: Deruty/Speede~

The scene cuts to Professor Odakiled standing in Susie’s Pub alongside a fella who’s being fitted for a suit. A man can be seen arguing with another patron in the background. He possesses a thick German accent.

Azrael Goeren: Mein freund, how can you POSSIBLY be so stupid?! "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie!!!

Patron: IT IS NOT!!

Azrael: IS SO! It takes place on CHRISTMAS, ergo it is A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!

Odakiled: I’m here in Albany now, and as you can hear by the ramblings of its psychotic inhabitants, the excitement they have for the upcoming Tag Team Tournament is second to nothing! Joining me now is one half of the team who will be fighting in that tournament, in the semi-finals on November 26th…. Donald Rooty.

”Donald Deruty”: It’s Deruty.

Odakiled: No sir, I didn’t fart. It must’ve been you, what with standing there in that heavy suit. Which brings me to my first question: why *are* you getting fitted for a suit?

”Deruty”: Because it’s professional. I’m very professional. You want to see some of my style? Take a look at that car out there.

He nods toward a parked blue Ford Mustang outside in a handicap spot.

Odakiled: Nice.

”Deruty”: Very.

Suddenly a tow-truck drives up and hooks the Mustang to its back.

Odakiled: Uh, I think your car’s getting towed.

”Deruty”: Nah, they’re just borrowing it for a while.

The clumsy tow-truck man backs up too far and hits the Mustang against a streetlight, breaking one of the back lights. The driver ignores it and drives away.

”Deruty”: They’ll bring it back. All I have to do is go put my money in a postcard from ‘Postcards’, and then send it into the mail. The tow-people are so overwhelmed by my skills and how I go about getting what I want, that they give me a time and location to go reclaim what is mine.

Odakiled: You’re quite…..confident.

”Deruty”: That’s everlasting charisma and hunger right there, something that other team of oddballs doesn’t understand or have.

Odakiled: Yeah, about that. Where’s your tag team partner, Roy Speede? He kinda has to be here for you guys to be a team, in a TEAM-based tournament…

”Deruty”: He’ll be here. We have chemistry, you know.

Odakiled: You watch “Breaking Bad” TOO!? Awesome!

The pub door opens and a UPS man walks into the room, carrying a box.

UPS: Package for Professor Odakiled.

Odakiled: That’s me!

The UPS man passes off the box and walks out. Odakiled opens it up to find an iPad. The Professor turns on the iPad and the screen lights up with the words:

"The following is a post on the official blog of Roy Speede."

The iPad screen changes to “Roy Speede” sitting before the camera in a silver-colored superhero costume over his entire body.

”Roy Speede”: The Silver Lining is here, along with his good friend D-Day!

Odakiled: Who?

”Deruty”: Me. Donald Deruty.

Odakiled: That’s a terrible nickname. Steven Spielberg worked hard to make that opening scene, and you just go and shamelessly steal it for yourself! I’d expect a lawsuit for copyright and stuff.

”Deruty”: I’m a much bigger success than that hack. I welcome his challenge, and furthermore—

Odakiled: Okay, let’s get on with the interview now that you’re both here. You two are set to team up to fight in the semi-finals against the great, beloved, stunning empirical team of Envikado.

”Speede”: Yes we are. Big league circuit city battle now, non-stop action to be had by yours truly, Silver Lining and his good friend D-Day! We are a team that is very much meant for greatness—VICTORY, you must realize! It doesn’t matter if Envikado is experienced, for we have the longevity of our pasts!

”Deruty”: It’s true. Roy and I know everything about each other. We’re in sync like no other in this tournament.

Odakiled: *singing* “Bye-bye-bye!” ……..sorry….

”Deruty”: …As I was saying. My partner and I are familiar with every fiber of the other! No inch has gone unexplored as we prepared ourselves for this tournament. I can feel his thoughts, smell his actions, dance the waltz with his very words!

Odakiled: None of those things are even possible!

”Speede”: Oh, but they are! Trust me, citizen, the combined forces of The Silver Lining and D-Day will break the cornerstone of thought established in favor of the team of Envikado! They, and the entire APW, feel us inexperienced, but when we defeat Envi and the Cuban, we’ll show the world what we have to offer, and that we’re the BEST new arrivals in this business! We’ve got the chemistry! Our bodies melt into one in the ring, and we become like The D-Silver Lining Day. Or something!

Odakiled: But what EXACTLY do you believe will happen if you try to fight off the illustrious Envikado in its rigorous pursuit of the Tag Team Championships, belts the two have sworn they will use to bring about undying goodness to the APW?! That’s a tough act to follow guys, even IF you two are inside each other, or whatever.

”Deruty”: Have you heard the story of Seabiscuit?

Odakiled: Is that some kinda Pepperidge Farm product?

”Deruty”: No! It’s the story of a horse that started out with much of the world not believing it could achieve greatness. But lo and behold, Seabiscuit became a champion. Achieving victory after victory, this horse astounded the world and gave them hope! THAT is what The Silver Lining and I are! The APW Tag Team Tournament sees us as unpromising, unlikely victors in the end as the new tag champions, but we will prove them wrong! We will win! We will be the new champions! And we will give a new hope to the APW with our newness and skill!

Odakiled: Wait, wait, hold up, let me try to wrap my heard around this Biscuit story. So you two…are a horse.

”Speede”: Did you not hear the man’s luscious voice?! Yes!

Odakiled: Okay, okay…but a horse is only one creature. And someone had to ride that horse to victory all those times, meaning you can’t both be the horse. One of you is the horse. One of you has to be the rider. One of you has to ride the horse. So who’s riding who here exactly…?

”Speede”: Hey, I see what you’re doing there! Did Envikado send that question in to try and throw us off our game?

Odakiled: No, I just want to know which of you is being mounted and ridden hard every week. Tag team-wise.

”Speede”: Irrelevant! D-Day and I are the team to beat! Just wait, you’ll see! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?!

Odakiled: Yes, talking iPad, you’re quite loud. Lemme just…

”Speede”: CAN YOU HEAR ME—

The volume on the iPad is turned down completely by the professor, who smiles in satisfaction.

Odakiled: Blogs are for nerds anyhow. So let’s--

”Deruty”: You just turned down my tag team partner!! How can we be together if I can’t hear him!?

Odakiled: Well you can still SEE him.

”Deruty”: It’s not the same! Silver Lining my friend, come back to me! Please!

”Deruty” grabs the iPad and begins to shake it vigorously, as if this will raise the volume. “Speede” can be seen shouting inaudibly.

”Deruty”: I love you, Roy! I LOVE YOU!!! Oh, look, The Silver Lining is spraying his Silver Lining love for me!

Odakiled glances at the iPad screen and immediately relents back in disgust from whatever he’s seen.

Odakiled: OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD! EWWW! EWWWWWWWW, WHY IS HE DOING THAT?!!?!

”Deruty”: I have to lick it up! It’s our chemistry!! It will make us one to defeat Envikado!!

”Deruty” begins to lick the iPad screen like a madman, while Odakiled looks physically sick.

Odakiled: GOOD LORD! You two don’t need to be in this tournament! You need to be in the loony bin! I hope Envikado breaks you both in half! They’re so devilishly cunning and amazing, and so bold, I have no doubt they’ll do the right thing and destroy you both for the sake of the tag team titles!

”Deruty”: I CAN HEAR YOU NOW, SILVER LINING! I CAN HEAR YOU…AND TASTE YOU!!! HAVE MY MONEY! MY MONEY AND MY BABIES!!!

”Deruty” begins to toss money onto the iPad where “Speede” can be seen dancing in his Silver Lining costume…which is now a little…….sticky…..Professor Odakiled gathers his things and begins to walk out of the pub.

Odakiled: Ugh. So as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, the team of Donald Digimon and Roy Speed with a third “e” are NOT quite the figures the APW Tag Team Championships request. One would say they are crazies who have fallen from the grace of their past in other companies that took their shit, but Envikado will be looking to prove that they…never had grace. While their talk of “chemistry” and desires to be the “best” sound good on paper, that paper is actually sticky with the fruit of their ill-minded ways, which stands in stark contrast to the good-minded, future-carrying mega-team of the MegaMEGAStar and Da Bawse. The admiration THOSE men have for one another is in continuation of the theme of amiability they carry for the entire world! They DESERVE to triumph and press on to Chaotic Christmas in the final battle for the Tag Team Championships, and perhaps by the time the third part of this series airs….they will be so. Good-night, everyone, and Happy Belated Indian Slaughtering Day!

The Professor walks out of the pub as “Deruty” has started dancing provocatively over the iPad with his partner “Speede”. The scene cuts to black.