................................You're Not Evan...

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
B O S S
Episode 28 – “................................You're Not Evan...”

The scene opens looking through a chain-link fence at what appears to be an amusement park or carnival (they’re interchangeable for our narrative anyway). Bobbling around almost aimlessly are several mascots. On the other side of the chain-link fence, staring at the collection of hobbling mascots, is the Deli Tee Vee team. Boss Delikado stands at the lead with a cigar in his mouth and two completely-filled bottles of champagne in his hands. Behind him stands Sofia with her whip, Ron Reynolds with his taped-covered fists poised up like a boxer, Manny Valdez with a double-wide, double-thick law book, and Jet Carrington with a giant inflatable hand covered in duct tape covered in barbed wire. Needless to say, Da Bawse and the gang have come prepared for battle. Dr. Apartment and the other DTV members stand to the side, perhaps as backup.

Dr. Apartment: Are you sure you want to do this, Mr. Delikado?

Boss Delikado: Psht, yeah! This carnival will be the PERFECT. Besides…I wants it.

Dr. Apartment: But perhaps your efforts would be better suited for—

Boss Delikado: Ron Reynolds, your doubting of my plans has been made abundantly noted, now let’s conquer this bitch! LIKE A BAWSE!!

Ron Reynolds silently rolls his eyes as Dr. Apartment steps aside and Delikado hops the fence with his combative teammates. As the Cuban yells a battle cry at the mascots, he slams to the other side of the fence right on top of an eagle mascot. The team reconnects on the other side of the fence, mass together as a tight-knit group, and charge for the mascots inhabiting the carnival as the scene moves in slow-motion…

The year’s winding down. It’s the last Overdrive before Christmas Chaos. Everything’s coming to a head. And yet…here’s Delikado being thrown a curveball. Of course, when you’re as BAWSE and awesome as me, you come to relish these twists in the plot, because it gives you a chance to prove your Bawseliness in a whole different situation. By “whole different situation”, Delikado means being put into a tag team match against Azrael and Shadow. Of course, that’s bizarre-o land booking on its own, putting a loony nut with a self-superior, utterly psychotic God-complex who talks funny on a team with Azrael Goeren. But no, that’s not the different situation Delikado speaks of. The topic of right here and now is Delikado’s partner in this tag team match: the guy who gave me rabies, the stand-in Overdrive Champion, the morally bankrupt and conceited joke of the Overdrive brand, his own biggest fan…Mark-freakin’-Mania.

Under the narration we see Sofia wrap her whip around a mascot’s throat and choke him out. She hammers him into unconsciousness with her fists. The mascots turn to face the group invading their carnival and waddle toward Deli and the gang.

Not Evan Envi, one half of the soon-to-be-legends and birthers of the REAL APW, but a urinal-biting dickweed who gets mocked behind the cameras for his stupid-ass history lessons and stands on a level that leaves him unable to even reach up and tie the shoelaces of our amazingness. But alas, it is what it is, and while Delikado would like to STRIKE and BATTER the idiots who made this match, Da Bawse is never one to back down from a challenge. Even if that challenge is teaming up with stupid-ass Mark Mania to go against “Mime Friend-zone” Azrael Goeren and “Then and Now I’m Still Shit” Shadow.

Boss Delikado bashes his champagne bottle over the head of one of the mascots in blackface. The bottle doesn’t break, and Delikado uses the momentum to kick the mascot in his face with a Last Call to Cuba. The group coordinates itself through the park grounds around rides and other setups. Leading the way, Delikado swings his champagne bottle like a baseball bat at the mascots.

Delikado’s just gotta keep on trekking, fight out there in his ring like Evan’s in my corner and just letting me do business like a thoughtful friend. Keep telling Delikado’s self that this match means just as much as any for our plans in this APW. Remind Delikado’s self that the win here still goes to a win on the Envikado side of goodness. It’s the man in me, Da Bawse, the Champion of all that is good and right for the future of this company, that convinces Delikado to not just flip Mark the bird and say “screw you, I got other shit to do, so fuck you and fight ‘em yourself, rabies-giver.” That’s entirely in Delikado’s power, of course, and he DOES have other shit to do that is beyond the capabilities of that fake OD-Champ…but as Delikado said before, being The Bawse I am, my place on the last Overdrive of 2012 is in that ring, standing tall and sexily with my hands held high and my in…CREDIBLE…eyes gazing over the broken figures of Azrael and Shadow. Mark Mania just gets to sit and watch, like a mooching little bitch. God Delikado is so humble and generous, not to mention handsome in all ways, shapes, and forms.

Another mascot falls as the Cuban roars intensely and passionately. On the outer fences Lily, Ariel, Doc App, Dee-Struction-Forte and Moss Carrington lure lingering mascots toward them. A teddy bear mascot thrusts suggestively against the fence toward Dee-Struction, and the pint-sized daughter to Delikado responds by jabbing the bear in the gonads with pair of tonfa, her signature weapon. Dr. Apartment splashes chemicals in the eyes of a Pillsbury Doughboy mascot, causing the giant puff-ball to go “Oooh hoo--noooo!” before he falls to the ground and sinks within himself. Back in the park grounds, Jet scowls and delivers a heavy SLAP to a giant monkey mascot. When the ape won’t go down, the Carrington spanks that monkey over and over until the hairy beast splutters and falls low.

The people are counting on me, and my Deli Tee Vee, to provide results. Hear Delikado, world: even if you’re to end in these last days of the year, if this is where the buck stops, Mister Cuba will NOT let you suffer the bland, propagandist ways of a junkie German and a dead-in-the-eyes Shadow of a man. All his Bawsely powers will go into skyrocketing this bitch into superstardom, the golden age. You can bet your sweet asses that if 2012 is it for Overdrive…it’s gonna be it with yours truly being the final, awesome sight. Even with Delikado’s physical-self put at the third match of the night, you’ll know for a FACT! that you just saw the Main Event. Eff all that other tag team match noise. Delikado is the Cuban at your back, APW. He won’t let you get stabbed in it by them crazies.

Sofia cracks her whip right between the eyes of a blackfaced mascot, spilling a little crimson amongst the black. The combat team is moving forward like Bawses underneath an actual BAWSE toward the tents and grander rides of the carnival. Delikado delivers a champion-caliber leap and mashes the head of a falcon mascot between his two champagne bottles. Falcon no punch today. Manny Valdez finishes the job by dropping some bland knowledge on that birdy in the form of Harvard-level textbooks on law and order. Outside the fences, Lily sprays stinky dual perfume bottles at the mascots, causing them to keel over from the horribleness of the smell.

Which is why my team and me are at this carnival. We’re here to claim it for our own. My own. From the army of mascots we’ve found to be roosting in it. It’s sort of like the APW, symbiote or whatever. A large horde of mascots believing they’re real and that they’re the top dogs of the world they inhabit, until the likes of Delikado and his gang pop in and prove them wrong. EXACTLY like APW. This carnival will be ours. As will the APW! Take notice of this in hindsight, Azrael, Shadow. You’re just mascots parading about thinking you’re hard—that’s bad hard, not boner hard you gross asshole—but Delikado and those he calls friends will be shattering that belief and leaving you in a REAL APW that demands you either get with the program…or you get your asses kicked. By yours truly, by—GOD DAMN IT, RON REYNOLDS!

Boss Delikado: God damn it, Ron Reynolds!

Ron Reynolds breaks from the group and grabs two empty fish bowls like those used for that game where you throw balls in fish bowls to win one (screw you, I don’t know what it’s called!) and starts to return to the group when a giant goldfish mascot hops over the rail and tries to fish-slap him. Reynolds responds by tossing the bowl at the fish’s head. The bowl gets stuck on the mascot’s head, making him much of the same image as the creature he’s dressed as. Jet uses his giant balloon-hand to smack the blubbering goldfish mascot back over the rail from whence he came and then jumps back into the unit as Delikado shakes his head at the stupidity of Ron Reynolds.

Evan couldn’t join us on this particular fight, and Delikado regrets that seeing the sort of “help” Ron Reynolds brings. But it’s understandable. My teammate has his own batshit insane, evil manipulator, cheating bastard to deal with in Kurt Noble. Chalk that up to another victory for the REAL APW team when my boy, the “Envi” to my “Kado”, drops that cripple. In a way, all our opponents this night are crippled. Mentally, physically, sexually. We have them beat at every turn, and they know it. Any evidence they bring that might speak to the contrary is just convenient. Or lies. We’re practically beating on the handicapped for this Overdrive, APW, and we do it all for you. After all, it’s not like people CARE what some insane German has to say. He’s as much a fake as the guys he blasts, Delikado’s tag team partner Mania included. He’s like the insane asylum guy who eats soap and babbles about “dark truths”, getting ignored for the most part by the intelligent populace that is myself, but he believes he speaks facts, like Delikado speaks FACTS!, merely because he has found himself a doctor’s coat to wear, and because he’s been allowed to ramble about the yard in that coat!

Delikado shifts around a large tent and peeks his head in, only to step back in a hurry when he spots a massive amount of mascots. Turkey mascots, gobbling away. To his silent horror, he also spots a collection of creatures he did not expect: Clowns! So many clowns! Sofia stretches out her whip in an intimidating fashion and slowly steps forward while the rest of the group stays together. Suddenly, a laugh is heard and two clowns drop to the ground from the top of the tent, having been hiding out. Sofia swings her whip in a controlled fashion at one of them, but it proves useless as the whip bounces off the bushy, multi-colored clown afro. Sofia reacts by jumping backwards, finding her long-range weapon useless here, and Delikado lunges forward with his champagne bottles as more clowns appear and the group is forced to split in order to better combat this new foe.

But Azrael is also like a turkey in his insane ways; when he hears the roar of a thunderous Cuban fireball coasting through the air, making it rain all KINDS of rain water, he cocks his head up in anticipation, thinking he knows exactly what is to be and how it is to be so…but then he chokes on the rain Delikado inevitably brings. Then he is smooshed into the dirt by the missiles, the bits of success that occasionally fragment off of Delikado and his APW onto the little peons we’re forced to call “peers”. To Azrael, though, these success rocks Delikado allows to fall to his earth are signs he’s better—BETTER—than me! But that is his choice, to be so wrong. Delikado is not one to tell APW’s minority population how to live its life. He ain’t racist.

The battle commences as Deli Tee Vee versus the clowns. Jet uses his giant balloon hand to smack the clown away, but its fat body and suit are practically oblivious to the force delivered. The Carrington is forced to improvise and fling a bag of old cotton candy at the giggling beast. Manny Valdez and his lawyer powers allow him to filibuster away from a pursuing clown, and then to bash a remaining mascot in the head as it nears the preoccupied group. Meanwhile on the outer fences, Ariel and the crew watch in tense worry for their comrades, particularly the father of her unborn child.

Can’t say Delikado expected any differing views of the guys he faces this week. Azrael, Shadow…they’re as morally bankrupt and despicable and deserving of a beating as any of the others Envikado fought with. Deruty and Speede, the Sons of the South, the collection we dealt with at Thanksgiving—Azrael included, mind you. But keep your faith in Delikado’s APW strong, everyone, because even though these assholes prove resilient and sturdy enough to return despite the thrashing we give them, Delikado can see the cracks. He can SMELL the fear they excrete; it’s like Indian food, you smell it the instant the fire is put on, and my Cuban fire is SO. POWERFUL. NOW. That Delikado has to wear a gasmask to stave off the India-sized Indian food odor of fear and scaredness Azrael and Shadow unleash! No attempts to be bold with WORDS, and no attempts to make STRATEGY play in your favors, for Delikado’s might breaks through such stupid ideas!

Back in the battle, Ron Reynolds swings the fish bowls at the clown nearing him. Delikado and Sofia are nearly back-to-back as they use their weapons like daggers. A turkey mascot waddles over to The Bitch, and she performs a backflip over the mascot, landing behind it and twisting its masked head around. The mascot flutters around like a turkey with its head…twisted around, and Sofia delivers her own modified version of the Last Call to Cuba, blowing hair out of her face afterwards before finishing the job with a good whipping.

Boss Delikado: Sofia! Clown!!

The Cuban head butts a clown and splits open one of his champagne bottles, spraying liquid all over the clown and causing its face-paint to liquefy. Turkey mascots, having been alerted by now, have begun to shamble out of the large circus tent they had crowded into, but Delikado is able to stop their advancement by pushing two large vendors in front of the opening, with Sofia’s help. The two look at each other and nod before returning their focus to the fight.

Little by little, APW will become a dead-end for FOOLS like yourselves. Guys who kid themselves that the world is their oyster to molest as they please. That goes for you as well, Mark Mania rabies-terrorist. We’ve met in battle before, and you know how well Delikado can clock you. To say that the grudge between us is settled is almost as much of an overstatement as any other tag team that is NOT Envikado being a success is an overstatement. Or something. Bullet-point right here: Delikado will drop you, Marky, just as quick as he’ll drop Shadow or Azrael, if you try and muck up this match. Delikado will transform you into an opponent just as fast as Jesus transformed wine into Tropicana water, or parted the ocean to save the black people. If you betray Delikado this week, Mark, then he’ll chop your head off with a boot to it, and he’ll leave you to these dogs. Hell, Delikado might just scoop up his Overdrive title and march off with it, as a reward for putting up with any shit you try. Don’t believe me? Then try me.

Jet appears to be having a difficult time as a clown tries to wrap its oversized hands around his throat, but the smaller Carrington is able to shrink downward, unintentionally ripping out the clown’s flower on its suit. The clown shrieks as air shoots from the hole where the flower was, and he collapses into a pile of clown-y junk. Ron Reynolds and Valdez notice this as Jet laughs triumphantly over the defeated clown, and they tackle their own respective clowns. Manny knocks a pie out of the clown’s hand and knocks him upside his noodle with a textbook. He then holds the clown with its arms behind its back while Reynolds rips out its flower, causing this clown to also cave in on itself with a hollow wail. Because that’s how clowns work. The double-team by these two is repeated, while Ms. Monzón, standing behind a clown, cracks her whip and lurches it forward, around the right side of the clown like a snake, and knocks its flower-source off in a stunning flash! The clown is brought down with an additional, albeit unnecessary, superkick to the back of the neck from the wicked Sofia. Boss Delikado cracks his neck and lunges forward to his clown. He grabs hold of its chest and pulls violently, knocking the clown down to the ground and tearing part of its suit with a yell, revealing….a giant apple with a face?!

Giant Spooky Apple: Ha, ha, CAMEO!

Delikado pulls the lit cigar from his mouth and jams it into the talking apple’s mouth. He pops the flower off as well and walks away as the apple grunts…and then emits small explosions like fire crackers, bringing an end to the clown threat. Apple juice covers the Cuban as he walks away, surveying the carnage done by him and his DTV team. A moment of rest and quiet actually falls over the carnival.

It doesn’t matter what role you play in this tag match. What DOES matter, however, is where Delikado will go from here. No spoilers…but it’s gonna be biblical. The year is nearly done, but that doesn’t mean Delikado’s going to start slacking. Never has that been Da Bawse’s case, and it never will be. FACT! Shadow, you’ve tried and you’ve tried to dent the titan you summoned to squash your ass. By mouthing off as you’ve done, by getting into business THAT AIN’T YO FUCKING BIZ-NASS, you’re asking for a quick end to what has otherwise been a long journey for you, Mr. “Hall of Famer”. Pfft, PIT-I-FUL standards back then, huh? But don’t believe for a second, scratch that, a MILLISECOND, that your standards will save you in the future APW that is still to come! Shit’s gonna get rough on you, bucko, and if your ability to drag innocents into the crossfire like you did with that child last week—you know, the one you pounded in the forehead with that 2x4—stands to continue…then you can bet your ugly-ass-face that Delikado’s gonna make you squeal. Without a sha…..ah screw it, Delikado has more respect for himself than to make puns off your unoriginal name… and even more unoriginal career.

See, you can’t reach the level Delikado has climbed to, and hell I ain’t even DONE yet! There’s still PLENTY more to come, Deli ain’t even seeing the peak yet; the glass ceiling isn’t even giving off a visible shine from the sun yet. Which is more than Delikado can say for you, Shadow. To say you’ve “peaked” would be an insult to peaking, so Delikado will just say you’ve…stopped. You’ve stopped where you are and you ain’t got anywhere else to go. Like Delikado did with Mark Mania, I’m giving you that last shred of relevance. But with the New Year will come new pursuits, new trials for Delikado to conquer, and he has no intention of wasting even a DAY of 2013 on your dead-in-the-eyes, slobbering-at-the-mouth trivialness. We’ll do battle on Overdrive here, maybe Christmas Chaos if Delikado feels you didn’t fully comprehend the lesson you should have learned the first time Evan and I humiliated you…and then that’s it. You can go into a coma like Slade or you can outright retire, Delikado gives ZERO fucks. Fact is you’re gonna back down from my podium of Bawseness, and you’re gonna stay down if you know what’s good for you…….bitch.

Delikado inhales and exhales heavily as he wipes the mixture of apple juice, champagne, sweat, and awesome from his brow.

Boss Delikado: Let’s stop here for a second.

Manny Valdez: You think we got the carnival locked down?

Sofia Monzón: I’m sure there’s still plenty of work to do. That tent over there for instance looks pretty full of ‘scots. And there’s no telling how many bums and creepers might be lurking.

Ron Reynolds: So we’re working under the assumption there’s still plenty of mess to clean up here? We gonna have time to work all that out before New Year celebrations? That’s bound to be our busiest time for ratings…

Jet Carrington: Y-Yeah! And what if a carnival just isn’t right for the new Deli Tee Vee HQ? I wanna be cool and STAY cool, Bawse! Not be a-a clown or something!

Boss Delikado: Show some imagination, you moron! We’re not gonna risk being drones to the monotony of locations everyone else uses for our program! We’re going to take this carnival, and we’re gonna make it into our own beastly realm, full of possibilities! Now…let’s keep going.

Delikado turns and walks across the carnival grounds toward a whole new collection of tents and setups that comprise a rather large area. The Cuban nods to the teammates on the outer fence as he disappears inside a tent, followed by the others. The camera pans up and then pulls back to reveal the magnitude of the carnival, before panning up to the sun where we fade to black…

Azrael Goeren . Shadow. You got some miles to you. Delikado’s the better man to grant you that. But what lies ahead of you both is not an easy future, not a road straight and simple to navigate. You won’t break Delikado in your attempts to journey down the way, to achieve the minimal success you’re destined for at your current states. If you think you’re already the greatest ever, and that Delikado’s just some clown, some comedic relief to your sad, miserable, PA-THE-TIC jobs, then you’ll find your imaginations to be winding down to Simple Town. You’ll come to crap your tights in realization that Boss Delikado’s APW is the future, both now and forever. My team, my Deli Tee Vee, is proof enough of that FACT! Envikado, that’s just a delicious frosting that is also nutritious and beneficial to all it comes across. And perhaps…just perhaps, there’s still more Delikado’s got coming his way. New alliances, new opportunities, new mountains to conquer. The REAL APW will fight you and beat you like you would a common cold. Delikado has sealed himself in the faith that the APW will be his final promotion, and with that, he’ll lay down each and every fiber of his being, unleash every trait of his Cuban genes, to see that the APW becomes his own. Delikado kids you not, it WILL come to that.

We fade in to Delikado sitting before a large set of monitors overlooking the carnival. Looking exhausted from the day’s battle, he runs a hand through his hair and scratches his goatee. With an exhale, he lifts up his tape recorder to finish his present chronicling.

Boss Delikado: That’s not to say Delikado would deny you guys the right to fight in his APW. In Delikado’s hand, through his seductively manipulative ways of Bawseness, Delikado can tone down your French and make you a real fighter of APW’s future, Azrael. Shadow, put down the roids and stick to running down to Starbucks to fetch Delikado a coffee for a few months, you might just start that career a-moving again. Mania, “teammate”, you just keep your eyes on the prize Delikado lent you and off a rabid dolphin to throw in my hot-tubs. Delikado really doesn’t know what’s left to say of you three, except this: stand tall with Delikado, or stand down. Perhaps down the way you all can come take a tour of Delikado’s new carnival. He ain’t thought up a name yet, but it’ll come…

Delikado’s got the whole future ahead of him in APW to think up a name. Boss Delikado here, speaking FACTS! like a Bawse.

With that, Delikado turns off the tape recorder and leans back in his chair. With a grin, he admires the screens displaying the carnival he and his team have conquered, and leans back lazily as we fade out.