Feedback please

[Matt Ward]

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=houseshow&action=display&thread=13341

would like some feedback when people have time

[President Jeff]

Don't use the letters WWE or NXT or any real life wrestlers or promotions in your RP's. Had you used that in a match RP, I'd job ya

[Metrodamus]

My feedback.

Needs more capital letters after complete stops.

[President Jeff]

And Cena as your pic base isn't doing you any favors ;D

[Kurt]

"On the Road to Comeback" Critique

First off, little nitpick: Should be "a" comeback. You can't really use comeback like a proper noun in this instance, ha. Just a little thing I noticed!

Alright, from the get-go, I can tell you that you need to spend a bit more time proof-reading your role-play. There are multiple spelling and grammatical mistakes, including run-on sentences. Minor mistakes here and there are typical, but things like not capitalizing "I" will draw out reader attention. I would suggest using a word processing software that identifies writing mistakes. Open Officer should be free to download, and will help in this area.

Opening paragraph gave a nice sense of history; I would, however, recommend trying to *show* me information over telling it to me. Saying something like "I hit rock bottom" doesn't have much impact because it's a cliche, but telling me your guy is living out of a box on the side of the road not only gives the reader some tangible details, but allows you to focus on building a scene. If there's ever an instance where you can tell me something...can you instead show it to me?

Check your question marks. You sometimes use question marks for sentences that aren't really questions.

Try introducing your opponent a bit earlier. Only talking about them in the last paragraph makes them seem like an add-on. Solid story overall; nothing really flashy, but I suppose you're still early back here, so there's time.

There's potential here, but you need to work on some pretty fundamental problems here. I would recommend getting a proof-reader, or using word processing software that will assist you. Even if you can tell a tremendous story with Matt Ward, it'll be difficult to gain attention if the writing is hard to interpret. Once you've gotten past that threshold, you'll be on the path to getting where you want to be.

Good job bud!

[Lord Raab]

Ah I been looking for something like a free word processor. I didn't know that there was one for free to download. Thanks Kurt.

[SalTal]

What Was Good
I liked the approach that you have with the subject matter. Returning to a promo is no easy thing (I’d argue that returning is more difficult than debuting, but that’s just me). You have a good idea about how you are going to angle: People doubting Matt, Matt still confident and ready to prove a point. It’s a tried, tested, and successful approach to returns, and I think you have a good idea here.

This promo is significantly improved from previous ones I’ve read/remember from you. So this is good. It shows that you’re working to improve, that you’re proof-reading your work, and then you start to get the rewards from it. Don’t lose heart or stop any of this if you start to lose matches, mind you - it just means you need to keep reflecting and building on your skills.

Your approach to the first-person is fine. It’s a good way to get into the head of the character. I would start to think about ways of getting more across in those ‘action’ parts where Matt is talking to us in his mind. But, for the start, it’s quite good.

What Needs Work
Even though it’s a house show promo, it was rather short. I would just gently remind you that the limits for the shows are there as an equalizer and that it you do not meet them, then you are not playing on the same level as your opponent. Just something to be mindful of when you go to Meltdown.

Grammatical elements. This applies to your whole promo, not just the example I cite.

Proper use of punctuation (commas, for a start, and then full stops to avoid run-on sentences) is essential in developing a ‘readable’ promo. If you want to create flow (and, then, manipulate it for effect for more powerful promos) then you need to be able to affect the way the promo is being ‘read in the head’. The first thing you need to do is get your sentences to more manageable length:

because i have been that person that has acted like my life was perfect but in reality my life was in shambles, Now you are looking into the eyes of a beaten man that has hit rock bottom not once but two times in the past couple months, i thought to myself why even be around when no one knows the real you, they think they know you because of what they see on the screen or read about.

This is an 79 word sentence. It’s probably the worst case in your promo, but there are other times that you have sentences that just run on (that is, you add in ‘and’ or a comma or something to attach the next sentence, rather than simply ending one and starting a new one). This is nearly impossible to read the first time. Me, I have to read it three times to get my head around what’s happening. I don’t mean to labour the point, so how can you fix it?

Start by simply replacing all those commas with full stops:

Because i have been that person that has acted like my life was perfect but in reality my life was in shambles. Now you are looking into the eyes of a beaten man that has hit rock bottom not once but two times in the past couple months. I thought to myself why even be around when no one knows the real you. They think they know you because of what they see on the screen or read about.

At the essence of it, this is sufficient. It doesn’t read perfectly, but it’s pretty sound. I would recommend in your proof-reading stage, if you find a long sentence, go back and replace commas with full stops and see if it still makes sense.

Once you get sentences to a stage where you can start to manipulate and manage them, then you can start to develop flow. But it needs a strong grasp of grammar. First sentence, for example:

People were wondering have I really lost my touch in the ring?

Could be written in a range of different ways:

People were wondering: Have I really lost my touch in the ring?

Basics: Get a colon in there. When you read it, the focus goes to what comes after it, rather than to the bulk of a sentence that you have there. Then, with more work:

People were wondering: Have I really lost my touch in the ring?

You can italicize words for added effect. You emphasize ‘really’ and it changes the whole tone of the sentence. Two little things, and all of a sudden you’re manipulating tone, you’re affecting the way a reader ‘hears’ the promo in their head, and you’re getting better.

Overall
You have a solid promo here, and a good ground to work and improve on. I expect that your time on Meltdown will be very productive in improving and refining your work. But don’t neglect the opportunity that Meltdown provides you: It’s a chance to experiment and take chances in making yourself better. It’s more difficult to do when you get called up, so my advice is to do it now!

Well done and keep up the good work.

[Jason Cashe]

Lawyered. Sorry, that's just wow...

[tuhoa]

Sam's new nickname... THE LAWYER!