Post by Cris on Dec 6, 2012 21:39:31 GMT -4
We open on a beautiful day in the Bahamas, the sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. The quality of the picture is not excellent, leading us to believe that the operator of the camera is using a cellphone to record this video. The mysterious cameraman pans across his surroundings, where we see several women playing beach volleyball in skimpy bikinis, some more girls in the shallow Caribbean water handling massive beachballs, showing us quite clearly that he’s on a beach. A beach with...no dudes on it. Turning the camera around it’s revealed that the cameraman is actually Action Packed Wrestling’s newest signing, Christian Kane. With a smug grin on his face Kane begins to use the frontcam on his iPhone like the true narcissist he is before beginning.
“I wanna start this off by promising you that I’m not like the rest. And I don’t mean that in a ‘line I used to pick up an extremely insecure chick with daddy issues at the bar last night’ kind of way, even though that happened, I mean it in a ‘I’m not going to bail on you’ kind of way. Although...I used that line last night too...”
Kane smirks and looks off camera for a moment, but shrugs, continuing.
“What I’m trying to get at is that I’ve seen guys and girls alike waltz into APW thinking they’re hot shit and a few weeks later they scuttle off like the cockroaches they are. I understand that those kind of wrestlers will unfortunately always exist, after all, they cockroaches. But I want everyone who clicked play on this video to know that I am not that guy. I’m not someone who’s going to disappear after a few weeks. You see APW there are 3 things that I personally believe I was brought on this Earth to do; take advantage of vulnerable hot women, be Britney Spears’ biggest fan and wrestle. If you want 4, that’s to be Ke$ha’s biggest fan. But anyway, I wanted to be a wrestler and my family disowned me. My dad kicked me out of the house and told me to ‘give it my best shot’, but when I ultimately fail the door won’t be open for me to return. I dropped out of college to become a wrestler. I cut ties with all my fuck buddies to become a professional wrestler. I disregarded sex for professional wrestling! Nonetheless I became a fuckin' wrestler.”
He runs a hand over his greasy blond hair, thinking of the path he’s been down to be here today. This is unusual for Christian.
“I defied everyone who said I couldn’t do it 9 years ago and where am I now? I get paid a shitload of money to wrestle, I step into a club and the dance floor becomes a fuckin’ slip ‘n’ slide, and I get vacays like this. Vacations where I have at least two girls on each arm at all times...besides now, obviously, because no bitch is gonna take the spotlight away from the Canadian Sensation. No siree. I worked too damn long and too damn hard to have anyone take the spotlight from me. But now I’m here, in a completely new environment with a few familiar faces...I know the APW spotlight won’t be on me. I understand that, I get this business and I know how it works. I’ve been drafted to Meltdown, and while a few of these newcomers will see it as a bridge to hone their in ring abilities on the way to their preferred brands, I do not. I’ve wrestled a few months shy of a decade now. I could quite conceivably see this as an insult, but instead I’ll take it in my stride. I’ll follow protocol, show up on Meltdown and I will dominate. I talk a big game and I back it up tenfold, Meltdown will be no different. I’ll keep putting away opponents left, right and centre so fast that the brass will have to option but to draft me to Overdrive, which is where I belong.”
The Original Bad Guy says it and he truly believes it. Despite what the record books may read Christian Kane never felt he was far off the benchmark set by Delikado, Kurt Noble and Chris Hart in the past. While they may have evolved as wrestlers so has he, much more than they may expect.
“Let’s be honest here, APW needs a sex symbol. Obviously you’ve got Envikado, but who else? Who else do you have? Do I even need to namedrop all the ugly fuckers in this company? I’d be here for much too long, there are two girls in my hotel room with whips, handcuffs and chains that I need to attend to. Endpoint, you need an Aryan Deity like me, APW. You need someone who’ll make your wives/girlfriends/daughters lock the bathroom door, light up some candles, put the showerhead mode into ‘massage’ and just go to TOWN on themselves thinking about me...softly moaning my name at first then screaming it as they violently orgasm. You need Christian Kane. You need...
#STUDLIFE.”
With a dashing wink and a blown kiss Kane signs off as the video cuts out. Soon his vacation will be over, and the real work¹ will begin...
¹...Real work meaning partying hard and having unprotected sexual intercourse with a plethora of women, utilizing almost all crevices found on their anatomy. Oh and wrestling...that too.
“I wanna start this off by promising you that I’m not like the rest. And I don’t mean that in a ‘line I used to pick up an extremely insecure chick with daddy issues at the bar last night’ kind of way, even though that happened, I mean it in a ‘I’m not going to bail on you’ kind of way. Although...I used that line last night too...”
Kane smirks and looks off camera for a moment, but shrugs, continuing.
“What I’m trying to get at is that I’ve seen guys and girls alike waltz into APW thinking they’re hot shit and a few weeks later they scuttle off like the cockroaches they are. I understand that those kind of wrestlers will unfortunately always exist, after all, they cockroaches. But I want everyone who clicked play on this video to know that I am not that guy. I’m not someone who’s going to disappear after a few weeks. You see APW there are 3 things that I personally believe I was brought on this Earth to do; take advantage of vulnerable hot women, be Britney Spears’ biggest fan and wrestle. If you want 4, that’s to be Ke$ha’s biggest fan. But anyway, I wanted to be a wrestler and my family disowned me. My dad kicked me out of the house and told me to ‘give it my best shot’, but when I ultimately fail the door won’t be open for me to return. I dropped out of college to become a wrestler. I cut ties with all my fuck buddies to become a professional wrestler. I disregarded sex for professional wrestling! Nonetheless I became a fuckin' wrestler.”
He runs a hand over his greasy blond hair, thinking of the path he’s been down to be here today. This is unusual for Christian.
“I defied everyone who said I couldn’t do it 9 years ago and where am I now? I get paid a shitload of money to wrestle, I step into a club and the dance floor becomes a fuckin’ slip ‘n’ slide, and I get vacays like this. Vacations where I have at least two girls on each arm at all times...besides now, obviously, because no bitch is gonna take the spotlight away from the Canadian Sensation. No siree. I worked too damn long and too damn hard to have anyone take the spotlight from me. But now I’m here, in a completely new environment with a few familiar faces...I know the APW spotlight won’t be on me. I understand that, I get this business and I know how it works. I’ve been drafted to Meltdown, and while a few of these newcomers will see it as a bridge to hone their in ring abilities on the way to their preferred brands, I do not. I’ve wrestled a few months shy of a decade now. I could quite conceivably see this as an insult, but instead I’ll take it in my stride. I’ll follow protocol, show up on Meltdown and I will dominate. I talk a big game and I back it up tenfold, Meltdown will be no different. I’ll keep putting away opponents left, right and centre so fast that the brass will have to option but to draft me to Overdrive, which is where I belong.”
The Original Bad Guy says it and he truly believes it. Despite what the record books may read Christian Kane never felt he was far off the benchmark set by Delikado, Kurt Noble and Chris Hart in the past. While they may have evolved as wrestlers so has he, much more than they may expect.
“Let’s be honest here, APW needs a sex symbol. Obviously you’ve got Envikado, but who else? Who else do you have? Do I even need to namedrop all the ugly fuckers in this company? I’d be here for much too long, there are two girls in my hotel room with whips, handcuffs and chains that I need to attend to. Endpoint, you need an Aryan Deity like me, APW. You need someone who’ll make your wives/girlfriends/daughters lock the bathroom door, light up some candles, put the showerhead mode into ‘massage’ and just go to TOWN on themselves thinking about me...softly moaning my name at first then screaming it as they violently orgasm. You need Christian Kane. You need...
#STUDLIFE.”
With a dashing wink and a blown kiss Kane signs off as the video cuts out. Soon his vacation will be over, and the real work¹ will begin...
¹...Real work meaning partying hard and having unprotected sexual intercourse with a plethora of women, utilizing almost all crevices found on their anatomy. Oh and wrestling...that too.
