Post by Slade "The Main Man" Craven on Dec 8, 2012 16:58:41 GMT -4
[glow=Purple,9,200]I thought I told you... I came to PARTY![/glow]
Craven’s music hits the sound system as the fans in the arena leap to their feet. It’s been ages since Slade did an in ring promo in front of the fans and they were in for a treat. Craven bursts through the curtain to a mix wave of cheers. People still don’t know what to do. The others on their feet are wondering if he plans to take out the crowd with a large caliber weapon, they are poised to run. Craven has a mic in hand. He raises it to his lips as the music fades.
“Before we kick this back up, I want all ya’ll to know, that it’s been TOO long since I was out here in front of ya’ll. Stefan Raab has made some pretty cruel threats and if this be “The Main Man’s” last stint lets party!
The music kicks back up as Slade sings his own lyrics while walking down to the ring.
“Hey Cleve-land, can I get some luck? Tonight’s my night, Raab’s getting fucked up! I hope I still got the moves got the charm cause all those bitches and hoes back there are so much fun!”
Craven points to the locker room area; ambiguous as to whom he is talking about. He rolls under the bottom rope he doesn’t sing as he climbs the ropes and raises his arm high. The fans seem to be cheering for him hoping the old Slade is back. The song continues to the second verse as Slade sings too.
“Let’s have a party Raab, bring your friends alright, after the match we can play all those games you like. Yeah I know the stakes are high but when my cards be right you’ll be wakin’ up bloody ‘What happened last night?’ Stefan your just another notch in the belt son, Killerplauze so cuddly, get this through your skull dick, you just a dumb luck bitch buddy. You hear that son? We on for tonight. You can’t fuck up my buzz cause
[glow=Purple,9,200]I came to PARTY![/glow]
Craven jumps down as the song takes over again. He walks to another corner and climbs it. He skips more of the song and comes in at intervals.
“Imma show you why before I leave, cause everything that bitch just said to me! Got me going crazy!”
Craven motions to the crowd.
Sit-Sit-Sit-Sit-Sit your asses down now; sip-sip-sip-sip-sip on some beer quick. Cliq Kick Cliq Kick you know Raab’s gonna eat it; Cleve-land, Ohio, let him hear it!
“The Main Man” jumps and spins off the second rope to the center ring as the song continues. The crowd is riled up, they are chanting for Slade, cheering for him; something he hasn’t heard in ages. Craven is feeling it pulsing through his veins as the song draws to a close. Slade stays there, knelt down in the center ring basking in the cheers, reminding everyone he isn’t forgotten. Slade slowly stands back up. The cheers don’t die down. He waits until they do and raises the mic back to his lips. The fans erupt again and Slade has to lower it.
“Cleveland, Ohio!” Craven says in a booming voice. “How ya’ll doing tonight?!”
The response is deafening the fans are welcoming back the old Slade Craven.
“That’s good that’s good. I’m glad none ya’ll ran away. It’s been awhile since I wasn’t recording my promos from inside a mental institution. I’ll be honest folks, I’ve missed this. I’ve miss ya’ll. It’s nice to know you haven’t forgotten ole Slade Craven.”
Craven pauses to wipe a single tear from his eye.
“Now let’s get down to business. We have something that needs to be talked about; we should get it out of the way. If anyone sees any police officers or asylum staff rushing to the ring to seize me. Please let me know. I am classified as an escaped mental patient and they are looking for me. If any one sees people texting or calling nine-one-one please take their phones and smash them. If Stefan Raab is in the back be sure to dial four-one-one so you can get the number, dumbass.”
The very mention of Stefan Raab’s name turns the crowd. They begin to boo and chat Stef-an sucks!
“I know ya’ll don’t hate him. He likes to tout himself being the most hated man in APW but truth be told, he’s the least cared about person in APW and that’s why he hates all ya’ll.”
The crowd begins to cheer happily at this.
“That’s right, I know how everyone thinks, I’ve had time to sit in a locked box for a month or so and you get an interesting perspective being in there, kind of an MC Esher perspective. So Stefan Raab is back and no one is happy. No one but me. I couldn’t be happier I’m wrestling that German Jerkoff tonight. But more importantly I couldn’t be more tickled with what I am about to do!”
Craven pauses to let the crowd respond.
“I have Stefan Raab saying on record he does not care what anybody says about him. That’s great because I plan to take the next few minutes to insult Stefan Raab and make jokes at his expense. Best thing about this is I can take all the filters off and let loose because he doesn’t care! So to kick this off: Why did Stefan Raab’s dog run away?”
WHY?
“You’d run away too if your name was RALOLOLOU”
Eruption of cheers.
“What’s the difference between a Stefan Raab exclusive and the Dresden Bombing?
WHAT?
“You can at least smile about the second one!”
Mixed reaction from the crowd.
“How about this one? What's the difference between Stefan Raab and a puppy?”
No response from the crowd.
“A puppy will stop whining!”
The crowd begins to cheer.
“You like analogies, huh; how is Stefan Raab like a German Pornstar? They’re mouths are both full of shit!”
A roar of approval from the crowd.
“Yeah I guess you guys didn’t like it when I started making Holocaust jokes, I shouldn’t we all know Stefan Raab had some family members that during that ordeal. Yeah they fell off guard towers!”
A slight chorus of boos some cheers.
“Aw come on that’s clever shit you guys didn’t think of it! Okay let’s get back on focus here hopefully I pissed of Stefan Raab, lord knows he wants to make all ya’ll mad. Stefan Raab just got back from his Nazi wrestling and training camp that he apparently was mandated to go to because he didn’t know jack shit about wrestling. That’s good for him. Tubby boy want’s to blabber on about his accomplishments. I’m still waiting for him to list one."
"Oh and Stefan if you want to get real training get yourself a real Drill Instructor. No some pansy named Elton. Never in my life have I met a masculine Elton, you need a real man like R Lee Emery or Don Adams. That’s right bitches Inspector Gadget was a Marine DI. Stefan Raab had Elton John teaching him drills no wonder Raab can’t wait to get his hands on me the man was trained by a butt pirate. Seriously whose army was more gay: The American or the German with the leather and the boots and whips? By the way guys can I get away with one more Nazi joke? What’s the difference between a Nazi (Raab) and a gay man? 45 degrees!”
Slade briefly throws a German salute before bending his wrist effeminately.
“What was I saying? Oh yeah, Stefan Raab is back and he’s ‘bigger and badder’ than ever apparently. Pardon me while I laugh my ass off. The boy seems to have me confused with Troy Aikman. Sure I’ve been in and out of comas but last I checked from Professor Plum I was the picture of health. I recall them telling me it wasn’t me they were worried about in my matches, they were worried I’d hurt my opponents. Sure I’d love to end some people’s careers, but where’s the fun in that? I prefer just pissing people off, spite much more therapeutic.”
Craven pauses and paces around the ring.
“Stefan Raab spent a lot of time this week running his mouth about ole Slade Craven. Did anyone else listen to that stroke victim ramble on and waste precious moments of your life boring you to death with his slew of what he referred to as ‘insults?’ I have to Stefan raab owes me a few moments of my loife back and I plan to rip them, right out of his ass!”
A wave of deafening cheers fills the arena.
“Good to see you people are paying attention. Heavens I thought I may be boring. I’m Glad Stefan listened too. I asked him to focus on me and he is. I want his undivided attention. Namely, because if Shadow can beat your ass, I better be able to. Shadow and I rolled together a long time kicking asses and kicking in skulls, it was all fun and games. Then things go serious, the AKA started losing and Shadow and I didn’t know who it was. Apparently it was me, apparently I ‘held him back.’ That’s fine to assume, Shadow hasn’t said it I will. So when someone asks me ‘Hey Slade Why would you let Stefan Raab talk trash about the AKA, are you going to call Shadow back to remind him what it is?’ No folks. “The Main Man” doesn’t need Shadow here to watch his back. Shadow’s got his own German lover now apparently. Jeez is APW under invasion? Nevermind.”
Slade is starting to lose the crowd, he’s getting off topic.
“Sorry folk, my mind is still a little fried, I can’t stay focused for too long unless I have something to do. I get impatient. Like right now, I’m not being very patient I would very much like Stefan Raab’s music to play and that som-bitch step out here and we settle this mano-e-mano. Yet he’s too big a bitch to do that so let’s see if I can change his mind.”
Craven walks to the ropes nearest to the entryway and leans against them looking out over the titantron.
“Hey Stefan! Yeah I know you’re back there you Lederhosen loving, sausage snacking, two tons of gravy drinking fat fuck! I wanted to tell you what I really think about you. Earlier tonight I was sitting in the back and Cindy Shannon came by, I’d requested a transcript of your big promo because well; I couldn’t understand half the shit you said I figured I’d better read it. So Cindy brings me the transcript and I put it in my pocket and completely forget about it. Then later I’ve got to drop a major ‘Stefan Raab,’ yeah folks it gets a little graphic here. While I am sitting on what Americans refer to as “The Throne” contemplating world events I realize- Hey I am out of toilet paper! I looked everywhere and couldn’t find any. I didn’t want to get off the pot because that would be gross but then a light bulb came on. I’ll use that transcript. Dude if your words had been half as harsh as that makeshift TP was against my tender ass I would actually been bothered by what you said.”
No music plays.
“Damn Raab, I was hoping that would wake you up. What are you doing back there, listening to Hasslehoff’s rendition of Hooked on a Feeling? Maybe you got a little Queen playing? I caught Bohemian Rhapsody on XM in the car I stole earlier, that was totally your life story. Not the song, I mean Freddy Fucking Mercury.”
Still nothing the crowd is chanting for Slade as he leans further.
“Wow you really aren’t listening to me, are you Stefan? I was hoping you would. I can stand out here all day making Stefan Raab jokes. But nothing tops the biggest joke, your run at the North American Championship. Was it nice? Going after the big Meltdown belt and never being good enough to win it? You lost every time. I may lose title opportunities but at least I have the good sense to bow out when I know I don’t deserve one. You one the other hand just want more. You treasure them like they are actual achievements. No dumbass being in the Hall of Fame is an achievement. Maybe one day, if APW ever lowers its standards, you can be too. But when President Jeff is done stomping the weiner out of your schnitzel no one will remember you. Me? I’ll always be remembered. That’s what it means to be in the Hall of Fame Stefan, that’s what it means to be loved by the people. Raab you seem to feel entitled because you don’t have a title. You seem to think that you’re special and actually talented. Slade Craven has caused problems before he’s run his mouth when he shouldn’t have and not been suspended or fired. I know for a fact President Jeff was sitting in the back at One Night in Hell reading as you “tweeted” you faggoty ass off and he said...My easy going nature is getting sorely fucking tested. That’s why you got suspended Raab you just never shut up! Please do the world a favor and shut the hell up! We’re tired of listening to you talk about your new moves and Yarmouth and President Jeff and your apparent fascination with the male reproductive organ. I want you to listen to me Raab, GTFO!”
The crowd starts to chant it, Get-the-fuck-out! Get-the-fuck-out!
“Do you hear them Raab? Do you hear me? I’ve been calling you out for like ten minutes. Raab if you had spent any time actually working on your skills, I might have cause for concern instead it seems to me like you spent the last few months sitting around being pissed off about how you got suspended and no one is giving you what you want. Time to learn a life lesson Raab, you got to earn respect. You claim you spent all this time at camp all I see is the same 260 pounds of flab that flaps it gums over and over about how horrifying it is. No, watching you eat is horrifying watching you wrestle is just laughable. Raab let’s do this. I want you out here right now. I want to end this cold streak so I can get back to actually wrestling Megastars not foreign bitches. I want to actually do something my career and to do that I have to go through you. And if you continue to stand in my way I will make you Rue the Day You Messed with Ole Slade!”
The crowd erupts as Slade stands in the ring before APW fades to a commercial break.
