Post by Mark Mania on Dec 20, 2012 11:44:34 GMT -4
“Well we did it your way last time, this time, I’m in charge.” Rosa says this, looking as beautiful as ever. Luckily there hasn’t been any sort of sexual tension between the two of us lately. Not that she ever felt it, but I think I’ve begun to come to terms with her being a full-fledged lesbian and having no interest in me whatsoever.
“I just don’t want to do anything doofy.”
“You’re damn lucky I don’t dress you up like Santa’s elf and have you prance around singing Christmas Carols.” She says smiling. “Actually, that might not be a bad idea.”
“Oh come on!”
Rosa starts to scribble furiously on pad of paper. I sit up from my chair trying to peer onto the page. She’s sitting on a couch across from me. Despite how close Boston is to New York, we decided to get a hotel room in the city for a few nights before the match so that there would be no chance of any travel worries.
We’re staying at the Times Square Hilton, which is never a hotel I care to stay in, being that it’s in the middle of Times Square and there are constantly people around. But, when the Hilton’s themselves call and offer you their luxury suite, you oblige and have fun with it. The room is less a room and more of a giant sweeping collection of bedrooms, bathrooms, dining rooms, and extraneous rooms that seem to serve no purpose.
We’re in one of those rooms now, two couches, two chairs, and a very short coffee table. It could almost be a foot rest. Hell, I’m not even really sure what it’s for.
“Don’t try and look!”
“I’m just a bit concerned as to what you have up your sleeves.”
“Listen, the people loved that little fake news conference we did before the Championship Scramble match. Let’s have fun! You don’t need to smash things over your head.”
“Two things, I didn’t win the Scramble match and I’m probably going to get things smashed over my head a lot on Sunday, so I should probably be prepared for it.”
“Or you could not bring weapons into it and just try to win a fair fight.”
“Have you seen Azrael Goeren before? He’s not interested in a fair fight. He’s interested in winning this title and having his ass kissed. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to win, especially smashing me over the head with things.”
“I just don’t like it. Seems pointless. You’re going to look like shit for Christmas.”
“Oh damn, the Mania Christmas card is going to have a few black eyes.”
“Just tell me that that friend of yours is gone.”
“Who, Maddog?”
“Yes…”
“He’s not just a man, Rosa. He’s a living legend.”
“He looked like he was undead.”
“You’re ridiculous. But yes, he returned home, he’ll be there on Sunday though, quick prep before the match.”
“You’re kidding!?”
I laugh and sit back.
“Guess, we’ll see.”
Rosa hands me the script and I look it up and down.
“What on earth is this?”
“Just do it.”
“It makes me look like a moron.”
“Just roll with it, Mark. It’ll be fun, show the lighter side of you.”
“People don’t need to see the lighter side of me, people love the side of me they’ve been seeing.”
“After that ridiculous stunt you pulled a few days ago, you need to show that you’re not going to scare the children.”
“You’re nuts. The children love me.”
“They didn’t love some psychopath hitting you with a toaster.”
That fucking toaster.
“But look at this.” I point at the script. “Twelve fans a cheering, eleven kids a smilling… This is pathetic. I’m going to change some of these around.”
“No, just do it as it. I carefully crafted all of these.”
“This is carefully crafted? They’re all so sappy looking.”
“You need a little sappy looking.”
“I don’t need any of this shit. It’ll be fine, I do your silly thing, but I’m just going to change around a few of the words.”
“Please don’t.”
“It’s fine.”
As I wait backstage, looking completely ridiculous with a Santa Claus hat on, I wonder if I should go through with this. Not the doofyness of it. But I changed the words, a lot of them. Rosa is not going to be pleased. I need to remember that she is my employee, not a peer.
It’s just tough when her and I have gone through so much lately. It’s been a long six months since I’ve returned. I’ve loved every minute of it and she’s been a big reason for that. I mean, I agreed to put this silly hat on and do this little skit thing, it should be good enough right? I just need to change things around. She doesn’t understand that this is all fun and games.
This is an important match, more so than she realizes.
“Mark, fifteen seconds.” Rosa pokes her head through the curtains to let me know.
I look down at the piece of paper. Now my words scribbled all around hers. I guess I’m going to through with this one way or another. The curtain opens and I walk forward.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Mark Mania Christmas Special! I’m very happy to be here with you, just six days before Christmas. I’m always happy to be welcomed into your hearts and homes. As you know, I have a very important match this Sunday against Azrael Goeren, so I wanted to start this special with one of my favorite Christmas songs. I’m going to do it a little differently though.”
“Let’s start it up.”
”On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Yes, that’s right folks, my very first wish, the biggest one of all, is to put Goeren into the hospital. What better way to celebrate Christmas than with the nurses and doctors of this world that are truly doing God’s work by working on Christmas? Should be a long night for Goeren, so I’ll spring for a private room so he doesn’t have to be bothered by homeless people who are in because they were freezing.”
”On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“After Christmas Chaos it will mark the second time that I’ve defeated Azrael Goeren in an APW ring. Granted the first one wasn’t pretty. I’m sure that the second one will be nothing but gratifying. At that point, all the folks who heap nothing but praise for Azrael will realize that Mark Mania is still one of the best in all of wrestling.”
“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Three hand slaps, 1…2…3. That’s all I need to hear at Christmas Chaos. There is nothing more beautiful than hearing that noise and having your hand raised towards the heavens. No Christmas toy or Christmas cookie could ever result in a feeling better.”
“One the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Christmas Chaos will mark the fourth pay-per-view that I’ve been a part of since I returned to the APW. The APW which has become my home more than any other place in the world. Nothing will make me happier than to walk into Madison Square Garden as the Overdrive Champion, truly cementing my return. I cannot wait to see the thousands and thousands of fans, waiting for the match of the night.”
”One the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“This is where the song really starts to get good! I’m so happy that Azrael and I decided to make this a no-disqualification match. Because now I will be able to use any damn weapon I want to assist in beating the ever living hell out of Goeren. My first weapon of choice is always the steel chair. As famous in the sport of wrestling as the ring itself.”
”One the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Not to take away anything from what Jason Kash has done with his career of not having teeth. I’m sure that we can make some dental work necessary for Azrael as well.”
”One the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Is there anything more offensive or more aggressive than a good ole’ slap to the face? I can’t think of anything. Think about the first time any of you were slapped in the face, wasn’t it just the most degrading thing to ever happen to you? Can’t wait to make Goeren feel the same way.”
”One the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“With steel chairs, and no-disqualification there’s bound to be some broken bones. Probably some on my side, definitely some on Goeren’s side. I think as we get towards the end of the song, you’ll start to realize why so many bones will be a breaking!”
“On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Yes indeed! I know this isn’t a ladder match, far from it of course, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t use it against Goeren. Hell, I can use damn near anything I want against him. Nothing wrong with a ladder!”
“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“Always been a big fan of baseball. After the whole ladder and baseball bat thing I bet you’re all starting to understand the eight broken bones a little bit more aren’t you? I played baseball in high school, it’s a great sport, I don’t realize why more kids don’t enjoy it these days. I think it has something to do with the ADHD nation we live in. It’s not the most fast paced game in the world, but damn it to hell if it’s not fun when you know what you’re doing.”
“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven days of recovery, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“This is just a rough estimate. I have to imagine that maybe it’ll take slightly less time, but probably more. I just figure it’s going to take at least eleven days to fully recover. I’m aware that we’ll have the holidays and then the awards show, so maybe, just maybe you’ll have some time here to recover, but I can’t make any promises. Let’s finish this baby up!”
“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, twelve fans a cheering, eleven recovery days, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“Twelve fans a cheering you ask? Well, that’s not for me, as there will be far closer to twelve-thousand fans than twelve fans cheering for me. I’m just trying to make a guess out of the twenty-thousand people that will pack Madison Square Garden how many will actually be cheering for you. My guess, twelve. Fair enough. I guess I’ll just have to win them over too.”
“Thank you so very much for joining me in that wonderful song. What a very Merry Christmas it’s going to be for all of us. Stay tuned after this quick break, the great Michael Buble will be singing some holiday classics!”
“What the hell was that?” Rosa screams.
I exit from the stage, laughing and feeling great.
“Oh stop, it was some harmless fun.”
“You ignored everything I wrote down!”
“I did the twelve fans a cheering part, that was pretty good.”
Rosa looks at me sternly.
“Rosa, relax, I think that came out a lot better, I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
“You just treated it like a stupid skit.”
I look at her with a, ‘it was a stupid skit’ look.
“Yeah, I know, but, it was my stupid skit.”
“You’re acting more like a chick and less like my assistant.”
Rosa looks at me, shooting daggers into my eyes.
“Just because I’m your assistant doesn’t mean I don’t have a say.”
“Rosa, this is what needed to happen. I looked silly enough being out there, if I’m going to do things like that, I’m doing it on my own terms.”
“Whatever.”
Rosa walks away as I prepare to go back out on stage.
Thank you Michael, thank you very much, Michael Buble folks!”
The crowd cheers.
“Now, as we get towards the end of the night, I think it’s important that we turn this back towards my match against Azrael Goeren. So from here on, I’ll be speaking directly to him. Please hold all of your applause until the end.”
“Mr. Goeren or is it Herr Goeren, I don’t really know. I’ll admit, I’m not fluent in German, nor am I familiar with anything of the German culture besides their love of beer, kraut, and links of meat. Also the whole mass genocide of the Jews, but no need to break into that. Sure you’ve heard all of that nonsense before.”
“But while I freely admit that I don’t know everything about you or your culture, you for some reason still try and pretend like you know so much about me. Do I have money? Of course I do, everyone knows that. The difference is you take that common knowledge and make assumptions based off of it. You think I need caviar to be impressed or to be happy? Don’t be absurd. I’m as much a cheeseburger and fries guy as anyone else. I’m not the type of guy who needs everything done for him or only appreciates the finer things in life. Have I had caviar pizza? Of course I have, I had to try that, it sounded insane. But I didn’t love it, I prefer cheese and pepperoni.”
“This seems to be a habit with you. Taking small things and trying to turn them into something that really means anything. Our little issue we had after Overdrive last week, that wasn’t me turning into an animal. That wasn’t me being as rabid as Delikado was. That was me, expressing to you, that I’m not putting up with any of your shit. It was me deciding that I didn’t want to sit around while everyone was heaping praise on Azrael Goeren. I will not be overlooked. I have this title for a reason.”
“At One Night in Hell, when I won this title, there were a lot of people who didn’t think I was going to beat Delikado. A lot of people thought that I’d be over matched by a man who had been doing so much. A man who had overcome so much. But I still had faith. So many people, fans, the media, even guys backstage were betting against me. But there was something they all forgot. Mark Mania perseveres.”
“So all the people in the world can bet that you’re going to usurp me as champion this Sunday, it’s not going to make a lick of difference. There’s nothing better in the world than being the underdog. It’s strange that I am while I’m holding the title, but I’m going to try not to hold that against everyone. It’s clear that people just don’t know or remember what a brutal beating I gave Delikado.”
“I will remind them. This Sunday at Christmas Chaos I could not be happier to remind every single person out there just how brutal Mark Mania can be. Week in and week out you all see me, prim and proper, towing the company line and taking one for the team. But you can all attest to the fact that when the pay per view rolls around. When the lights are the brightest and the stage is the biggest, that’s when Mark Mania perseveres.”
“Goeren, I know that you’re the kind of guy that loves the big matches too. I know that you want all the spot lights to be on you. I know you think you’re Mr. Main Event and that you belong at the top every single place you go, but here’s the difference, friend. While you may know that you belong there, I’ve known longer. I’ve been battling in the biggest of matches for well over a decade. I’ve been in Legends Tournaments, Experts Invitationals, crazy tournaments, god damn it Azrael, I’ve seen it all.”
“I know each time we talk to each other we just get into pissing contests about accolades, but I’m just so damn sick of hearing about them. I think we need to take them off the table and deal with the realities here. What’s true right now? I’m the champion, you’re the challenger. Those are the only truths that we and everyone else in the world can really agree on. There’s a reason I’m the Champion, Azrael. I’ve fought damn hard for this title. I’m not letting it go any time soon, no matter how hard you try or how dirty you fight.”
“You know, I can see what you were trying to do earlier this week. Trying to make it seem like the fans were the only reason this match really happened. Trying to turn me against the fans that have gotten me so far in this world. You’re barking up the wrong tree my friend. I don’t think there’s a damn thing in this world I could do to turn the fans against me. I agreed to this match because after a week of thinking about it, I knew it was bound to happen eventually.”
“I knew at one point or another, you were going to try and challenge for a title in the APW and at one point someone was going to have to shut you down. I didn’t have confidence that Nick Watson would be the one to keep a title away from you, and you weren’t getting anywhere near Terry Marvin yet, so I knew it was going to have to be me. I knew I was going to have to be the one to stop you from your missing. I’m happy to do it. The fans didn’t make the decision for me. I made it.”
“I know you have something against these people and that they you. Maybe it’s the German thing, maybe it’s the attitude, I don’t really know. But I can see how negatively they respond to you and it just makes me laugh. These people pay your salary big boy. These people are the reason you’re even here. Your inferno matches, your broken glass injuries, they don’t mean anything without anyone in the seats. We try and confuse ourselves into thinking that we’re all in this just battling between each other, but without the fans, without people paying, we’d just be bums wrestling on street corners.”
“All of this starts to make me wonder what you actually do this for. Where your motivation lies? There’s one conclusion I kept running into that makes the most sense to me. You have some sort of deep seeded issue where you need to feel like you’re in charge. You probably weren’t accepted as a child by your peers and you were made fun of, picked on, all that. And now, rather than becoming part of the solution, you became part of the problem. You come out here in the APW and start bullying people around. It’s sad really.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You probably didn’t deserve to be bullied. You probably weren’t so weird growing up. I mean, you’re weird as hell now, but growing up you were probably a normal kid. Yet, it just happened, maybe you developed late and the kids just got to you before you were big enough to return the favor.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“And I see how it happens, you get bullied all through primary school and it’s just plain torture. You go away for a summer, finally grow into your awkward little self and not suddenly you’re bigger than everyone else. You go to secondary and things start to change for you. Girls start looking in your direction, guys aren’t trying to beat you up. Then one day, you’re hanging out with all your friends and a little scrawny kid walks by. You think nothing of it, but then one of your buddies comes up with a prank. You should give him an atomic wedgie. At first you thought, no way. Then they kept pressing. Pressing until finally you gave in, you went over, and became everything you hated.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Now, many years later, you’re stepping into the APW, you’ve had great success everywhere you’ve been. People praise you and when they hear your name they fear you. People get out of your way because you’re the tough guy who can take care of himself and you won’t let anyone get in your way.
“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not easy being on top, believe it or not, there was a time when I was on top. I knew what it was like to be feared by most and respected by all. But there was always someone. Always someone who didn’t quite jive with the notion that I should be feared. People like this exist all over the world. In the sport of wrestling, it’s normally veterans of the sport. Normally people who have seen a lot over the course of their careers. They’ve seen the mighty fall.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“While everyone may be kicking your ass since you’ve stepped into the APW, Azrael, I’m not going to do the same. I’m not going to back down because people are amazed with what you’ve done. I see in you all the things you wish no one would see. I see the young man who couldn’t quite keep up. I see the fear behind your eyes. You don’t act tough because that’s how you’ve always been. You act this way because you don’t want anyone to see the truth.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“When we get into the ring this Sunday, all of our accolades will be out the window. Everything we’ve ever done will mean nothing. The only thing that will matter is the two men in that ring. Who has more left in the tank and who can push themselves further than ever before. You don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know this. I do not fear you. I’m not saying I expect you to fear me, because I don’t. But I want you to be well fucking aware that there hasn’t been one moment where my mind floated to, ‘what have I gotten myself into?’ That just doesn’t happen. I know what I signed up for. The second I saw that I was facing you nearly three weeks ago, I was excited. I didn’t see the name Azrael Goeren and think, ‘Oh no, the former CWC Champion.’ I thought, ‘Good.’ Someone needed to shut you up and stop any momentum you were gaining. I did it then, and now I’ll do it again.”
“If you stick with the APW, eventually you’re going to become a Champion, you’re an all-star talent with some serious drive. But it’s not going to happen this week. It’s not going to happen at Christmas Chaos and it is not going to be my title that you take.”
“When we get into the ring this Sunday, I’m going to stop you, I’m going to beat you, and it’s going to hurt. You’re going to remember what it felt like to be bullied again. You’re going to remember what it’s like to not be the best. I just want you to remember this…”
“It’s not your fault.”
The crowd begins to cheer as I put the microphone back in the stand and walk off stage. The crowd stands to their feet.
“I just don’t want to do anything doofy.”
“You’re damn lucky I don’t dress you up like Santa’s elf and have you prance around singing Christmas Carols.” She says smiling. “Actually, that might not be a bad idea.”
“Oh come on!”
Rosa starts to scribble furiously on pad of paper. I sit up from my chair trying to peer onto the page. She’s sitting on a couch across from me. Despite how close Boston is to New York, we decided to get a hotel room in the city for a few nights before the match so that there would be no chance of any travel worries.
We’re staying at the Times Square Hilton, which is never a hotel I care to stay in, being that it’s in the middle of Times Square and there are constantly people around. But, when the Hilton’s themselves call and offer you their luxury suite, you oblige and have fun with it. The room is less a room and more of a giant sweeping collection of bedrooms, bathrooms, dining rooms, and extraneous rooms that seem to serve no purpose.
We’re in one of those rooms now, two couches, two chairs, and a very short coffee table. It could almost be a foot rest. Hell, I’m not even really sure what it’s for.
“Don’t try and look!”
“I’m just a bit concerned as to what you have up your sleeves.”
“Listen, the people loved that little fake news conference we did before the Championship Scramble match. Let’s have fun! You don’t need to smash things over your head.”
“Two things, I didn’t win the Scramble match and I’m probably going to get things smashed over my head a lot on Sunday, so I should probably be prepared for it.”
“Or you could not bring weapons into it and just try to win a fair fight.”
“Have you seen Azrael Goeren before? He’s not interested in a fair fight. He’s interested in winning this title and having his ass kissed. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to win, especially smashing me over the head with things.”
“I just don’t like it. Seems pointless. You’re going to look like shit for Christmas.”
“Oh damn, the Mania Christmas card is going to have a few black eyes.”
“Just tell me that that friend of yours is gone.”
“Who, Maddog?”
“Yes…”
“He’s not just a man, Rosa. He’s a living legend.”
“He looked like he was undead.”
“You’re ridiculous. But yes, he returned home, he’ll be there on Sunday though, quick prep before the match.”
“You’re kidding!?”
I laugh and sit back.
“Guess, we’ll see.”
Rosa hands me the script and I look it up and down.
“What on earth is this?”
“Just do it.”
“It makes me look like a moron.”
“Just roll with it, Mark. It’ll be fun, show the lighter side of you.”
“People don’t need to see the lighter side of me, people love the side of me they’ve been seeing.”
“After that ridiculous stunt you pulled a few days ago, you need to show that you’re not going to scare the children.”
“You’re nuts. The children love me.”
“They didn’t love some psychopath hitting you with a toaster.”
That fucking toaster.
“But look at this.” I point at the script. “Twelve fans a cheering, eleven kids a smilling… This is pathetic. I’m going to change some of these around.”
“No, just do it as it. I carefully crafted all of these.”
“This is carefully crafted? They’re all so sappy looking.”
“You need a little sappy looking.”
“I don’t need any of this shit. It’ll be fine, I do your silly thing, but I’m just going to change around a few of the words.”
“Please don’t.”
“It’s fine.”
As I wait backstage, looking completely ridiculous with a Santa Claus hat on, I wonder if I should go through with this. Not the doofyness of it. But I changed the words, a lot of them. Rosa is not going to be pleased. I need to remember that she is my employee, not a peer.
It’s just tough when her and I have gone through so much lately. It’s been a long six months since I’ve returned. I’ve loved every minute of it and she’s been a big reason for that. I mean, I agreed to put this silly hat on and do this little skit thing, it should be good enough right? I just need to change things around. She doesn’t understand that this is all fun and games.
This is an important match, more so than she realizes.
“Mark, fifteen seconds.” Rosa pokes her head through the curtains to let me know.
I look down at the piece of paper. Now my words scribbled all around hers. I guess I’m going to through with this one way or another. The curtain opens and I walk forward.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Mark Mania Christmas Special! I’m very happy to be here with you, just six days before Christmas. I’m always happy to be welcomed into your hearts and homes. As you know, I have a very important match this Sunday against Azrael Goeren, so I wanted to start this special with one of my favorite Christmas songs. I’m going to do it a little differently though.”
“Let’s start it up.”
”On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Yes, that’s right folks, my very first wish, the biggest one of all, is to put Goeren into the hospital. What better way to celebrate Christmas than with the nurses and doctors of this world that are truly doing God’s work by working on Christmas? Should be a long night for Goeren, so I’ll spring for a private room so he doesn’t have to be bothered by homeless people who are in because they were freezing.”
”On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“After Christmas Chaos it will mark the second time that I’ve defeated Azrael Goeren in an APW ring. Granted the first one wasn’t pretty. I’m sure that the second one will be nothing but gratifying. At that point, all the folks who heap nothing but praise for Azrael will realize that Mark Mania is still one of the best in all of wrestling.”
“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Three hand slaps, 1…2…3. That’s all I need to hear at Christmas Chaos. There is nothing more beautiful than hearing that noise and having your hand raised towards the heavens. No Christmas toy or Christmas cookie could ever result in a feeling better.”
“One the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Christmas Chaos will mark the fourth pay-per-view that I’ve been a part of since I returned to the APW. The APW which has become my home more than any other place in the world. Nothing will make me happier than to walk into Madison Square Garden as the Overdrive Champion, truly cementing my return. I cannot wait to see the thousands and thousands of fans, waiting for the match of the night.”
”One the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“This is where the song really starts to get good! I’m so happy that Azrael and I decided to make this a no-disqualification match. Because now I will be able to use any damn weapon I want to assist in beating the ever living hell out of Goeren. My first weapon of choice is always the steel chair. As famous in the sport of wrestling as the ring itself.”
”One the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Not to take away anything from what Jason Kash has done with his career of not having teeth. I’m sure that we can make some dental work necessary for Azrael as well.”
”One the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Is there anything more offensive or more aggressive than a good ole’ slap to the face? I can’t think of anything. Think about the first time any of you were slapped in the face, wasn’t it just the most degrading thing to ever happen to you? Can’t wait to make Goeren feel the same way.”
”One the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“With steel chairs, and no-disqualification there’s bound to be some broken bones. Probably some on my side, definitely some on Goeren’s side. I think as we get towards the end of the song, you’ll start to realize why so many bones will be a breaking!”
“On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney.”
“Yes indeed! I know this isn’t a ladder match, far from it of course, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t use it against Goeren. Hell, I can use damn near anything I want against him. Nothing wrong with a ladder!”
“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“Always been a big fan of baseball. After the whole ladder and baseball bat thing I bet you’re all starting to understand the eight broken bones a little bit more aren’t you? I played baseball in high school, it’s a great sport, I don’t realize why more kids don’t enjoy it these days. I think it has something to do with the ADHD nation we live in. It’s not the most fast paced game in the world, but damn it to hell if it’s not fun when you know what you’re doing.”
“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven days of recovery, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“This is just a rough estimate. I have to imagine that maybe it’ll take slightly less time, but probably more. I just figure it’s going to take at least eleven days to fully recover. I’m aware that we’ll have the holidays and then the awards show, so maybe, just maybe you’ll have some time here to recover, but I can’t make any promises. Let’s finish this baby up!”
“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, twelve fans a cheering, eleven recovery days, ten bats a whacking, nine ladder rungs, eight broken bones, seven face slaps, six teeth a broken, FIVE STEEL CHAIRS, four pay-per views, three hand slaps, two singles victories, and Azrael Goeren in a gurney!”
“Twelve fans a cheering you ask? Well, that’s not for me, as there will be far closer to twelve-thousand fans than twelve fans cheering for me. I’m just trying to make a guess out of the twenty-thousand people that will pack Madison Square Garden how many will actually be cheering for you. My guess, twelve. Fair enough. I guess I’ll just have to win them over too.”
“Thank you so very much for joining me in that wonderful song. What a very Merry Christmas it’s going to be for all of us. Stay tuned after this quick break, the great Michael Buble will be singing some holiday classics!”
“What the hell was that?” Rosa screams.
I exit from the stage, laughing and feeling great.
“Oh stop, it was some harmless fun.”
“You ignored everything I wrote down!”
“I did the twelve fans a cheering part, that was pretty good.”
Rosa looks at me sternly.
“Rosa, relax, I think that came out a lot better, I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
“You just treated it like a stupid skit.”
I look at her with a, ‘it was a stupid skit’ look.
“Yeah, I know, but, it was my stupid skit.”
“You’re acting more like a chick and less like my assistant.”
Rosa looks at me, shooting daggers into my eyes.
“Just because I’m your assistant doesn’t mean I don’t have a say.”
“Rosa, this is what needed to happen. I looked silly enough being out there, if I’m going to do things like that, I’m doing it on my own terms.”
“Whatever.”
Rosa walks away as I prepare to go back out on stage.
Thank you Michael, thank you very much, Michael Buble folks!”
The crowd cheers.
“Now, as we get towards the end of the night, I think it’s important that we turn this back towards my match against Azrael Goeren. So from here on, I’ll be speaking directly to him. Please hold all of your applause until the end.”
“Mr. Goeren or is it Herr Goeren, I don’t really know. I’ll admit, I’m not fluent in German, nor am I familiar with anything of the German culture besides their love of beer, kraut, and links of meat. Also the whole mass genocide of the Jews, but no need to break into that. Sure you’ve heard all of that nonsense before.”
“But while I freely admit that I don’t know everything about you or your culture, you for some reason still try and pretend like you know so much about me. Do I have money? Of course I do, everyone knows that. The difference is you take that common knowledge and make assumptions based off of it. You think I need caviar to be impressed or to be happy? Don’t be absurd. I’m as much a cheeseburger and fries guy as anyone else. I’m not the type of guy who needs everything done for him or only appreciates the finer things in life. Have I had caviar pizza? Of course I have, I had to try that, it sounded insane. But I didn’t love it, I prefer cheese and pepperoni.”
“This seems to be a habit with you. Taking small things and trying to turn them into something that really means anything. Our little issue we had after Overdrive last week, that wasn’t me turning into an animal. That wasn’t me being as rabid as Delikado was. That was me, expressing to you, that I’m not putting up with any of your shit. It was me deciding that I didn’t want to sit around while everyone was heaping praise on Azrael Goeren. I will not be overlooked. I have this title for a reason.”
“At One Night in Hell, when I won this title, there were a lot of people who didn’t think I was going to beat Delikado. A lot of people thought that I’d be over matched by a man who had been doing so much. A man who had overcome so much. But I still had faith. So many people, fans, the media, even guys backstage were betting against me. But there was something they all forgot. Mark Mania perseveres.”
“So all the people in the world can bet that you’re going to usurp me as champion this Sunday, it’s not going to make a lick of difference. There’s nothing better in the world than being the underdog. It’s strange that I am while I’m holding the title, but I’m going to try not to hold that against everyone. It’s clear that people just don’t know or remember what a brutal beating I gave Delikado.”
“I will remind them. This Sunday at Christmas Chaos I could not be happier to remind every single person out there just how brutal Mark Mania can be. Week in and week out you all see me, prim and proper, towing the company line and taking one for the team. But you can all attest to the fact that when the pay per view rolls around. When the lights are the brightest and the stage is the biggest, that’s when Mark Mania perseveres.”
“Goeren, I know that you’re the kind of guy that loves the big matches too. I know that you want all the spot lights to be on you. I know you think you’re Mr. Main Event and that you belong at the top every single place you go, but here’s the difference, friend. While you may know that you belong there, I’ve known longer. I’ve been battling in the biggest of matches for well over a decade. I’ve been in Legends Tournaments, Experts Invitationals, crazy tournaments, god damn it Azrael, I’ve seen it all.”
“I know each time we talk to each other we just get into pissing contests about accolades, but I’m just so damn sick of hearing about them. I think we need to take them off the table and deal with the realities here. What’s true right now? I’m the champion, you’re the challenger. Those are the only truths that we and everyone else in the world can really agree on. There’s a reason I’m the Champion, Azrael. I’ve fought damn hard for this title. I’m not letting it go any time soon, no matter how hard you try or how dirty you fight.”
“You know, I can see what you were trying to do earlier this week. Trying to make it seem like the fans were the only reason this match really happened. Trying to turn me against the fans that have gotten me so far in this world. You’re barking up the wrong tree my friend. I don’t think there’s a damn thing in this world I could do to turn the fans against me. I agreed to this match because after a week of thinking about it, I knew it was bound to happen eventually.”
“I knew at one point or another, you were going to try and challenge for a title in the APW and at one point someone was going to have to shut you down. I didn’t have confidence that Nick Watson would be the one to keep a title away from you, and you weren’t getting anywhere near Terry Marvin yet, so I knew it was going to have to be me. I knew I was going to have to be the one to stop you from your missing. I’m happy to do it. The fans didn’t make the decision for me. I made it.”
“I know you have something against these people and that they you. Maybe it’s the German thing, maybe it’s the attitude, I don’t really know. But I can see how negatively they respond to you and it just makes me laugh. These people pay your salary big boy. These people are the reason you’re even here. Your inferno matches, your broken glass injuries, they don’t mean anything without anyone in the seats. We try and confuse ourselves into thinking that we’re all in this just battling between each other, but without the fans, without people paying, we’d just be bums wrestling on street corners.”
“All of this starts to make me wonder what you actually do this for. Where your motivation lies? There’s one conclusion I kept running into that makes the most sense to me. You have some sort of deep seeded issue where you need to feel like you’re in charge. You probably weren’t accepted as a child by your peers and you were made fun of, picked on, all that. And now, rather than becoming part of the solution, you became part of the problem. You come out here in the APW and start bullying people around. It’s sad really.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You probably didn’t deserve to be bullied. You probably weren’t so weird growing up. I mean, you’re weird as hell now, but growing up you were probably a normal kid. Yet, it just happened, maybe you developed late and the kids just got to you before you were big enough to return the favor.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“And I see how it happens, you get bullied all through primary school and it’s just plain torture. You go away for a summer, finally grow into your awkward little self and not suddenly you’re bigger than everyone else. You go to secondary and things start to change for you. Girls start looking in your direction, guys aren’t trying to beat you up. Then one day, you’re hanging out with all your friends and a little scrawny kid walks by. You think nothing of it, but then one of your buddies comes up with a prank. You should give him an atomic wedgie. At first you thought, no way. Then they kept pressing. Pressing until finally you gave in, you went over, and became everything you hated.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Now, many years later, you’re stepping into the APW, you’ve had great success everywhere you’ve been. People praise you and when they hear your name they fear you. People get out of your way because you’re the tough guy who can take care of himself and you won’t let anyone get in your way.
“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not easy being on top, believe it or not, there was a time when I was on top. I knew what it was like to be feared by most and respected by all. But there was always someone. Always someone who didn’t quite jive with the notion that I should be feared. People like this exist all over the world. In the sport of wrestling, it’s normally veterans of the sport. Normally people who have seen a lot over the course of their careers. They’ve seen the mighty fall.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“While everyone may be kicking your ass since you’ve stepped into the APW, Azrael, I’m not going to do the same. I’m not going to back down because people are amazed with what you’ve done. I see in you all the things you wish no one would see. I see the young man who couldn’t quite keep up. I see the fear behind your eyes. You don’t act tough because that’s how you’ve always been. You act this way because you don’t want anyone to see the truth.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“When we get into the ring this Sunday, all of our accolades will be out the window. Everything we’ve ever done will mean nothing. The only thing that will matter is the two men in that ring. Who has more left in the tank and who can push themselves further than ever before. You don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know this. I do not fear you. I’m not saying I expect you to fear me, because I don’t. But I want you to be well fucking aware that there hasn’t been one moment where my mind floated to, ‘what have I gotten myself into?’ That just doesn’t happen. I know what I signed up for. The second I saw that I was facing you nearly three weeks ago, I was excited. I didn’t see the name Azrael Goeren and think, ‘Oh no, the former CWC Champion.’ I thought, ‘Good.’ Someone needed to shut you up and stop any momentum you were gaining. I did it then, and now I’ll do it again.”
“If you stick with the APW, eventually you’re going to become a Champion, you’re an all-star talent with some serious drive. But it’s not going to happen this week. It’s not going to happen at Christmas Chaos and it is not going to be my title that you take.”
“When we get into the ring this Sunday, I’m going to stop you, I’m going to beat you, and it’s going to hurt. You’re going to remember what it felt like to be bullied again. You’re going to remember what it’s like to not be the best. I just want you to remember this…”
“It’s not your fault.”
The crowd begins to cheer as I put the microphone back in the stand and walk off stage. The crowd stands to their feet.
