The Gift That Keeps On Giving: Shadow Losing

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
B O S S
Episode 29 – “The Gift That Keeps On Giving: Shadow Losing”

While the rest of the Deli Tee Vee team works to clean and repair Boss Delikado’s carnival for the New Year, Mister Cuba thought he would cook up a program for his loving APWdom. But seeing as he had to focus on a match against Shadow at the Meltdown Supershow, Da Bawse decided to find a way to combine the two tasks at hand, impossible for all others but himself. Spreading Christmas—or Xmas, depending on if you’re a dick about it—joy AND combatting his opponent and putting him in his place with words and show! It truly IS the most wonderful time of the year, bitches! So sit back while the world nears its possible end, crack a candy cane over your loved one’s head, and raise your glass of eggnog to Boss Delikado’s quality program!

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“'Twas The Night Before Meltdown Supershow”
~By Boss Delikado~

The video package opens with a shot of Dee-Struction sleeping in her bed. Audio is heard crackling like static as the camera zooms in slowly.

‘Twas the night before Meltdown Supershow, when all through the Bawse mansion
Nobody was watching what Shadow had to say, cuz his material was painful like a contraction
The Delikado posters were hung by the chimney and on the chimney and on the ground where one kid fell, with care
In hopes, oh in KNOWS, that Mister Cuba would cripple Shadow’s ass with flair

The camera continues to pan toward the innocent sleeping child, before turning toward a plate of cookies and champagne. A hand reaches out and takes the bottle. We hear the cork pop followed by the rapid gargling of someone drinking the champagne.

The Delikado fans were nestled and snoring real loud in their two-dollar beds
Meanwhile dreams of Shadow crying and losing and being fired from his job danced in their heads
And sweet Mama in her sexy lacey bra, and Delikado mounting without condom
Had just made more action than Meltdown opponent would see in a foursome ….with all dudes

Boss Delikado: *whispering* Fuck you, I’m keeping that in!

The scene cuts, after a torrent of static, to outside in the snow where at first we see Delikado reading the script. He looks up and waves off the camera angrily and it turns toward the street.

When OH SHIT out in the road there rose such a clatter
Bitches be sprangin’ from the bed to see was it Deli or Shadow, please God not the latter
Away to the barred up window did the bitches fly in a flash
Tearing down the wall and shifting aside Delikado’s stash

Static. Badly edited footage flashes by before we cut back to Dee-Struction, who tries to open the window. Alas she cannot. Instead, she takes a sledgehammer that is CLEARLY handed to her and she smashes through the window to see outside. The camera again cuts to outside.

The moon was shining and junk on the flour that served as our snow
Shoplifted off the shelf, and yet it still gave epic feel to the shit below
When good grief—trademarked by ME—to what do my bloodshot eyes appear
But a Smart Car Monster Truck driven by the best guy APW’s seen all year

A Smart Car Monster Truck does indeed roll into the scene, directly over a display of the Baby Jesus in his manger surrounded by animals and shepherds. The door is kicked open and heavy rock blares out as a drunken Delikado hops out, immediately falling into the flour…err, snow. He kips up and looks around in a daze.

Boss Delikado: *hiccup* Merry Easter, Jeebus! Delikado will GLADLY avenge your murder by Shadow. Shadoooow….Shad…ooooooooooooo………Shadoobididaaaaaa…..Shadooboooschnookiiiiii…..owwwwww.

With a follow-up of vomiting, sworn afterwards by a man who claimed he was not drunk
Everyone knew in a second it must be Boss Delikado, the hunk
Faster than Shadow’s career went down the drain after being put in the APW Hall of Fame
Delikado hacked, and smoked, and trash-talked his opponent with a speech worthy of acclaim

The drunken Cuban lifts up a microphone box and holds it up to his mouth. He stares at a seemingly random house as he rants.

“Shadow, you’re ugly and you look like a dead guy! Ass-Kickers’ Anonymous was SHIT and you can never get a REAL win!
Give up on Overdrive, don’t even try Asylum, fuck even Meltdown can’t stand your crap and wants to kick you in the shin!
To the nearest welfare house should you flee! 2012 will be your career’s end!
The people cry ‘FUCK YOU SHADOW!’, your final match be against ME do we all intend!”

Delikado jogs up to the front door of the house and knocks. An elderly granny opens the door.

Elderly Granny: Yes?

Delikado delivers the Last Call to Cuba onto the granny, right in her front doorway, and she goes flying! With a yell of triumph, the Cuban runs off.

Boss Delikado: YEAAAAH, BITCH! I JUST KICKED SHADOW’S GRANNY IN THE FACE[/i]![/color]

Delikado runs for the next house, laughing both drunkenly and insanely.

As Azrael Goeren that suffered his teammate did fly
When he is paired up with the most annoying man, giving people reason to slice inner thigh
So up to Buffalo the masses they flew
With chants of approval and wishes for a miracle, to see Deli do to Shadow what we all want to do

Little Dee-Struction looks up in wonder as she hears thumping above.

And then, oh god it’s so awesome, in a booming, I heard on the roof
The jamming and slamming of the Cuban’s right boot on material said to be bombproof
As I thanked my deity for this Xmas blessing, and was shifting around
From my college-aged sister’s bedroom Delikado emerged, my parched sibling lying pretzel-folded in the background

College-Aged Sister: Call me?

Delikado swiftly shuts the door behind him and pops a cigar into his mouth.

Boss Delikado: Not even “maybe”.

He was dressed in cool, fitting for the guy making the whole sport cool like a selfless stud
And his gear was all stained in the past crimson of his opponents’ blood
With a swagger that said “Fuck you, I’m awesome” he marched in the room
If I were Shadow, I’d poop myself in fear of my definite doom

Dee Struction steps forward to Delikado, who coolly takes out his cigar and blows smoke into the air. A little boy walks out of the room across the hall, wearing an “AKA” shirt. Delikado responds by slowly crumpling up the cigar, and flinging the ashes into the boy’s eyes!

His eyes--oh how they burned! The Cuban’s and my brother’s too, but Deli how BAD!
He rubbed his goatee, his face painted in the best confidence to be had!
His muscles were naturally-born awesome and thick
And from head-to-toe was he godly, ESPECIALLY his di—STOMACH!

Delikado lifts up his shirt, revealing epic six-pack abs!

Chorus: STOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!!!!!!!

Delikado looks at the camera and winks.

Boss Delikado: Hey, gotta give the ladies something look at besides your disgusting fat tumor of a stomach, Shady.

He returns focus to the scene as if his breaking of character never happened.

The boots on his feet were itching to kick a face put before him
And the glisten they gave made it clear Shadow’s neck would be given a head-trim
He had the aura of a man who would not be stopped or fucked with
To anyone who believed Shadow had even a remote chance, that there is a myth

Delikado pats Dee-Struction on the top of her head and descends the stairs by sliding down the rail—only to crash.

TAKE#2

Delikado pats Dee-Struction and descends the stairs by sliding down the rail—halfway before falling on his head.

TAKE#5

Delikado, Dee-Struction head pat, slide down rail—SUCCESS! Delikado turns to the camera, brandishing some bandages from the first few failed attempts, and grabs his crotch. He mouths off aggressively in Spanish before walking off in a huff.

Da Bawse was the better man, and he always would be in this life and the rest
And the little girl, she laughed as she realized this, how Shadow would be a victim of Cuban conquest
A look on his face said, “Yeah, it might just be a Meltdown Supershow and not Christmas Chaos, the last PPV and APW event of the whole flip-flopping year”
But the look also said to get pumped, for he’d still beat the ass of that wannabe-tough guy queer

Delikado walks into the fridge and opens it up, taking some food and drinking half the milk carton before putting it back and walking into the living room. Looking over at the Christmas tree and the presents, Delikado chuckles and proceeds to tear the tree down to the floor. He punts the presents, he flings the stockings into the active fireplace, and he hides the remote in the air vent. With all this done, the Cuban pulls out spray paint and writes “Delikado Is Hurr” across the wall in giant streaks of black, and then walks out the front door. Little Dee-Struction follows.

He needed no words, he was about to go to town
Even the shadows on the ground cried out and ran; they were having a major fucking breakdown,
And faking a kick at the arriving owners of the house
Delikado leaped off their front-porch, leaving the husband to throw his hot wife, screaming “Take my spouse!”

Delikado takes the hot wife into his arms and walks up the stairs that have appeared, leading the way into his Smart Car Monster Truck. He stops just before getting in, and looks back at the scene. Dee-Struction stands outside and nods, to which Delikado responds with a sagely, Bawsely nod of his own.

The REAL APW frontiersman entered his vehicle, to all the haters and losers he gave the bird
For much like their leader Shadow, give them a flip, and they’ll be scared and scattered
But as I saw his behemoth roar off into the night, I heard the mightiest call, most prideful and true through the lands did it echo across:
“Delikado versus Shadow, Delikado gonna pin that bitch one-two-three, LIKE. A. BAWSE!!!!”

Fireworks go off as holiday music plays in the background and a crappy “Thee Enduh” note-card covers the screen. We fade out.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

The scene slowly reopens inside a library with Delikado sitting in a cozy recliner by the open fire, reading through a book called “How to Read Books By An Open Fire”. He looks up momentarily and then calmly sets the book down. He’s giving us all his focus now.

Boss Delikado: Good stuff, ain’t it? Yeah, you know you liked that video. Gave you a big ol Delikado-boner, didn’t it? Well close your legs ladies, and stop popping to me dudes; it’s time to open your ears for what Delikado’s gotta say now. Get closer, boy.

The camera moves closer and almost seems to sit down before Delikado in his recliner.

Boss Delikado: Shadow. Delikado knows you’re listening. You knew Delikado was talking about *you* specifically when he said “boy”, because at the end of the night, that’s all you are, a boy. And since you know how to work the fluke angle, something all boys like yourself do better than anything, two weeks ago the team you were clutching to got the, ahem, “win”, and now you no doubt got a big ol jolly in your step. You think you’re better than Da Bawse, and that the odds will be “forever in your favor” as the Meltdown Supershow rolls in, correct? Actually, Delikado fancies himself as having figured you out like a peach at this point, so he’ll go ahead and say that’s EXACTLY what you’re thinking. Well, boy, to your beliefs Delikado has to give a giant…

Delikado covers his mouth with his hand and makes a loud farting noise.

Boss Delikado: You have no power to have ideas like that, to form opinions against Delikado like that. You are entitled to make ZERO claims that downplay me and uphold yourself. Believe it or not, my pasty white mole, everything you do or say at this point only stacks the deck further against you when we lock horns this Saturday. It also gives Delikado all the more reason to be ruthless, and break your dead-in-the-eyes-and-face face. But hey, it’s not ALL bad news on your end. What Delikado, part of the REAL APW, intends to do, is use your crushing and burying, and mix it with a basic “GTFO” strategy, to put you where you belong: in the back, away from the ring, away from microphones, away from people, away from the WORLD, boyo! It’s about getting rid of ALL the people who don’t belong in Action Packed Wrestling, “Fake APWers” so to speak…

Scratching his goatee, Delikado slowly twirls his finger in the air, and then snaps it toward the camera.

Boss Delikado: Like you. You’re just not strong enough to be here. FACT! Yeah, you might got the veins popping through your leathery skin like a Xenomorph baby or some shit, but it’s all gained by the roids, Shadow. Even you, in all your slowness, have to realize what that juice does to ya. It’s all ill-gotten gains, like winning the game where you dunk a clown in water by pressing the button with your hand, instead of using your expertise to slam that target with the ball. That’s a bitch’s victory, and your whole career is comprised of matches where you’ve either been the bitch, or you use bitch tactics to pull one over on your superiors. Whether you like it or not, and whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, Delikado beat you two weeks ago on Overdrive. He beat both you AND Azrael by himself, no partner around, except, you know, to hit me with a fucking chair.

A bitter scoff passes through Delikado’s face, but he quickly shakes it off and smiles in amusement with an accompanying shrug of the shoulders.

Boss Delikado: But hey, I’m genuinely tough and devilishly capable of all things, with a side of sexy and handsome, and I can take anything a bitch like Mark Mania can throw. It’s already a well-established FACT! that he cannot defeat Delikado, or even just generally get one over on Delikado, unless a weapon is involved. Don’t believe Deli? Go look that shit up--but do it later, because the focus is still on YOU, Shadow, and you alone.

We catch Delikado mouthing “punkass” as he sits up straight in his recliner, the sound of the fire crackling in the background as the Cuban “hmmmm’s” in thought.

Boss Delikado: See, if that ref hadn’t been employing logic that bent the rules of the ring and of time itself by claiming that a chairshot on your teammate counts as a tag-in, Delikado would have pinned you TWICE at the end there. TWICE! CLEANLY! And again, that’s AFTER Delikado fought it out solo like a warrior with that sick German fuckerhead Azrael, played “Dungeons and Dragons” with you or whatever the hell you were trying to do in that ring that was the OPPOSITE of wrestling, and then took a chairshot from his underhanded bitch “teammate” Mark Mania.

...

You know what, now that Deli thinks about it…I was pinning *YOU* at the time Mania came in like the joke Overdrive chumpion he is and embarrassed everyone competing in and watching that match! THREE TIMES I PINNED YOU! CLEANLY!! God DAMN, Delikado has your number all SORTS of ways, Shadow, and only by pure LUCK, those flukes of yours that Delikado mentioned before, do you not get put away for good.

Delikado laughs as he claps his hands together and rubs them against each other, as if he’s thinking devious thoughts, or crushing an imaginary Shadow between his palms.

Boss Delikado: But you’re all outta luck, boy. The fluke train can only run so long before Delikado’s cut the tracks and sent it plunging into the river. Nobody’s gonna be out there on Saturday at the Supershow to fight your battles for you, to save you from me.

No Azrael using half his talent to make up for your 100% lacking of talent.

No Mark Mania with a chair.

No referee to bend the rules and screw Delikado.

Nothing to rob Delikado of what is rightfully his: you being made my bitch, and hurled from my ring of awesome when I’m done with ya.

And don’t even consider employing your tactics OUTSIDE the ring to try and fuck Delikado over either, like when you clocked that small child in the face with a 2x4 as you tried to catch me on my casual jog. You blamed Delikado for that, for YOUR faults, but Delikado’s man enough to take on that baggage. It ain’t like you lay on anything heavy anyhow. Well, except the FACT! that you’re a joke in the APW. A joke that, if the Hall of Fame hadn’t already put you in out of pity, they wouldn’t induct now.

Delikado pauses, looking whimsical.

Boss Delikado: Hell, they wouldn’t even nominate you I bet. Or let you induct someone else in. Or even let you attend the ceremony! Or even acknowledge your very existence. What you did before to creep into the APW Hall of Fame won’t cut it anymore, Shadow. You’re now the illusion that trails behind the REAL APW stardom of Boss Delikado and HIS APW! You’re a shadow in the presence of APW goodness, and that’s the first time your name was ever fitting and not just a piss-poor attempt to look “badass” or “moody” or “like anything but a jackass punch-line.” Live and learn, here’s one for ya to linger on as Delikado closes his statements of FACTuality, a little "Then and Now" concerning the life and times of Shadow:

THEN…

Bitch.

NOW…

Dead Bitch.

Delikado cocks his arms up in mighty posture as the flames bounce off his fiery, wide eyes.

Boss Delikado: The Cuban fire of Delikado is lit and about to engulf the entire business. There’s no place for shadows, no room for “true darkness” to lurk, because Delikado, DA BAWSE, is about to be too bright, too hot to touch, too impossible to extinguish. Hope you liked Delikado’s Christmas special, because it’s the last positive to be made from you, Shadow. Well, that and Delikado’s rise to the top. Maybe when you’re cracked under Delikado’s boot and forced into a retirement that was necessary from day one of your APW career, you can use your male nurse to help you take note of what REAL Hall of Fame material is about, Shady…

FACT: 2013 will be the Year of Delikado.

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