Post by Cris on Dec 22, 2012 11:55:05 GMT -4
The scene opens in Christian Kane’s downtown Toronto apartment. Standing amongst a plethora of naked women, champagne bottles, burnt money, cigars, hockey sticks, maple syrup and chains, Kane hops up and down on one foot as he struggles to put on a Santa Claus outfit. Eventually admitting defeat, an extremely hung over Christian Kane collapses on the sofa. Well, no, he pushes a sleeping a girl off of the sofa, then collapses on it. “BITCHES!” He screams out, as he shields his eyes from the sunlight pouring into the apartment. “GET OOT OF MY GODDAMN APARTMENT. YOU’RE ALL DISGUSTING, UGLY, DAMAGED GOODS WITH DADDY ISSUES. I CAN’T FIX YOU, I CAN ONLY FUCK YOU. GET OOT!”
No response. Hmm. With a sigh, Kane clicks his fingers and hissex slaves strippers appear from the other room, clearly feeling the effects of last night but don’t want to anger Christian by appearing non-responsive to his demands. Opening the door to the apartment, one of them begins to drag the girls out while another double takes at the Canadian Sensation. “Wait...” she says, eyeing him up and down. “Are you wearing a Santa Claus outfit?”
“How fucking observant of you. Yes, I am. Well, I’m trying to. Help me put it on, Jennifer. And Dani, when you’re done make me a Bloody Mary, this hangover won’t cure itself.” Rolling her eyes, Dani continues her work while Jennifer makes her way over to Christian, helping him to put on the outfit.
“Why are you wearing this?”
He chuckles at her. “Are you kidding me? Why am I wearing this?” He shakes his head. “Do I need to explain this to you...? I’m running a play here, Jennifer. Now’s the best time to do it. College girls come home from college for the winter break, right? Most college girls are hilariously insecure and it might be their first year of college, they’re growing up, becoming real women - but some part of them. Some miniscule tiny part of them is resisting it. It’s their childhood. It’s so difficult to let go of your childhood, and where does your childhood flourish? Christmas time. And what do insecure college girls do at Christmas time to rekindle the fire of their childhood? They go to see Santa at his grotto. And that, my humble servant, is where I come in!”
“...What about the real Santa?” Dani asks as she approaches the pair, having made Kane his drink.
“That’s where you girls come in. Well, one of you. The other one has to guy buy suit bikinis, top hats, I guess high heels and monocles.”
“Dibs on shopping!” Jennifer exclaims gleefully, happy to not be a part of Christian’s ludicrous plan.
“Dammit.” Dani stares at CK blankly. “So what do I have to do...?”
With a smirk Kane stands, walks over to a vase in the corner of the room and twists it slightly. The wall then opens to reveal a large blueprint which CK approaches. “The blueprint.” He stands in silence, as if appreciating the beauty of it. The silence is broken by Dani who stands utterly confused.
“...So what do I have to do?!”
“Read the goddamn blue pri- you have to fuck the real Santa.”
Jennifer chimes in. “Well I don’t think it’s the REAL Santa jus-”
“Bitch please, it’s the real Santa.”
Dani rolls her eyes. “You just need me to distract him? ...Fine I’ll do it.”
“There's my girl. And when you do that I’ll be hiding around the corner in my Santa costume ready to hit on some college girls!” CK takes a sip of his Bloody Mary before nonchalantly throwing it at the wall. “Awful. Let’s go!”
“What about the kids?”
CK stops in his tracks. Thinks for a second, then responds. “Wow, you’re a real bitch, Dani. Kids need Christmas too.” Once more, Kane shakes his head in disgust. “AGENDA: SANTA KANE, FUCK BITCHES, RAPE AND PILLAGE APW! LEGGO!” Grabbing a sack from behind the kitchen counter Kane opens the door and exits the apartment.
♠♠♠
Hiding behind the corner in his outfit, CK looks left and right before sending Dani out to seduce Santa. While an opportunity to bang college chicks, which no heterosexual male should ever turn down, Kane also saw this as training. Game plan training. He hadn’t wrestle almost all month, and to make his APW debut at the Meltdown Supershow was a pretty big deal for him. In a tag team match was even bigger. He and William Black must come up with a solid game plan if they ever dream of beating of John ‘Sheriff’ McBride and Niobe ‘Nightmare’ Martin. Kidding, wrestling for Christian Kane is a cakewalk, but either way, he and Black need a game plan. Because this was no thrown together team - Kane, Black and Evans made a statement last Meltdown and it’s one that’ll continue to reverb around all of APW until their voices are heard. But now...college chicks.
With Dani seducing Santa, Kane scouts the line for talent. Taking the the blueprint out of the sack CK unrolls it, frantically reading it, making sure everything is in place, looking up every now and then to take another look at the line. “Looks like a ratio of 3 kids to every 1 desperate, hot college chick.” He says to himself quietly. “That just won’t do.” With a sinister grin, Kane takes a walkie talkie out of his back pocket and presses down on the button. “Bring in the van, Roger, over.”
”Bringing in the van now, over.”
“Roger that Roger.”
A few seconds later, screams are heard as a red van slowly accelerates down the mall, the words ‘Free Candy’ spray painted on the sides. Expecting all the children to rush to the van, the exact opposite happens as the mothers take their children away from the van. The real Santa Claus sees this and shakes his heads, eventually standing and walking away as Dani looks back to Christian, mouthing the word ‘seriously?’ to CK, who shrugs his shoulders and puts on the beard, ready to hit on some college chicks, as they’re the only ones who remain in the line.
“HOES! HOES! HOES! Santa Kane is here! Let us begin!” Taking a seat on his ‘Santa Throne’, Kane ushers the first girl up to the grotto as he pushes Dani away. “Step right up! Santa’s here to grant your wish, hot college chick #1! Sit on my lap! Deja vu of the future, am I right?”
The girl almost reluctantly takes a seat on Kane’s lap before beginning.
“Well Santa, I know I’m in college but it’s sooooooooo HARD!..”
“...so hard...”, a bead of sweat runs down Kane’s forehead.
“And, I don’t know. I feel like I’m becoming another person there, y’know? And it’s not fair on my boyfriend that I’m becoming another person because I don’t want to change from like, the person he fell in love with, you know? It’s not fair on my family and it’s not fair on my because I don’t wanna change! But for Christmas I think I want a really nice bikini for the summer that’ll show off my b- DO YOU HAVE A BONER!?”
She jumps off Kane who tries to protest but to no avail. “OH MY GOD YOU SICKO!” The line begins to disperse as CK desperately tries to state his case.
“It was a banana! Don’t leave! DON’T LEAVE ME! I’M SANTA!”
The girls leave as Kane falls to his knees, screaming. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’M SANTA! COAL! COAL FOR EVERYONE! BAH HUMBUG! COAL! COAL! COAL! IT WAS A BANANA!” The mall is void of college girls now as Kane slowly gets to his feet, utterly depressed as he slumps back into the chair. “Christmas is ruined.” He utters as he removes a banana from his pocket and begins to peel it.
“Why did you even HAVE that banana?” Dani questions as she enters the grotto.
“IT WAS A GODDAMN SNACK!” He takes a bite of the banana before throwing it away. “Stupid fruit.”
Dani can’t help but find the funny side of the situation. “Well, I knew this plan would fail. And if these are the skills you’re going to use in APW then you are utterly SCREWED, Christian.”
“One of these days Danielle, I’m going to fuck your throat so hard I’ll destroy your vocal chords, then I won’t have to listen to you speak your annoying bitch talk. You harlot.” Kane rips off the beard. “APW will be easy. Who am I facing, a Sheriff and a Nightmare? And I’m teaming with William Black, yeah this’ll hard.” Being sarcastic, obviously. Dani shakes her head as she sits on CK’s lap.
“We’ve been through a lot together, Christian. You and I both know this’ll be harder than you’re making out. And if you’re being genuine then I wish you’d think again. Me and Jennifer knows you’re a superstar, sure. Delikado does. Noble does. Hart does. TJ does. Even Strike knows it, deep down. Envi’s beginning to see you are, but everyone else? They have no fucking idea who you are. They don’t know who Christian Kane is and the people that did recognize the name put your name to a completely different face. Are you going to underestimate these losers, lose, then be seen as a perpetual loser for the rest of your career? You’ll never get drafted, you’ll never get taken seriously and you’ll never show these people who Christian Kane really is. I m-”
CK cuts her off. “I don’t need you to tell me all of that. It’s either I joke around and try to bang chicks or I get super high on pain pills. I like to stay sharp before a match so I’m joking around. When it’s time to put on my serious face I put on my serious face and I get it done. In the ring, in the bedroom, backstage, wherever. Christian Kane always delivers.” He stands. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a promo to cut. I’ll see you in a few weeks...” CK looks her up and down, still a little disgusted she thought he needed a pep talk. “...slave.”
♠♠♠
“This has been a long time coming.”
Kane starts off by saying, his upper half visible to the camera, where we see that he’s wearing a black Britney Spears t-shirt. With an APW Meltdown Supershow backdrop in the background he continues.
“A long time coming because Action Packed Wrestling has been on my radar for quite sometime, now. A very long time, actually. Let me take you back to 2010, where I used to wrestle with one of my best friends in this business, Delikado. The company we were in closed down...he went one way, I went another. It was tough, but it was something I needed to do. Eventually he found his way here and every month he’d call me, asking if I was ever going to come here. If Christian Kane was ever going to set foot in an APW ring, and December 2012 was that month. The month where the world was supposed to end, Christian Kane steps foot in an APW ring.”
He smirks to himself. CK didn’t think he’d be here either. Obstacle after obstacle he had to overcome. His drug abuse, which is still ongoing, albeit it’s something he believes he has control over, the death of his fiancee, held down by management - you name it. For most men it’d be too much to handle, but The Original Bad Guy isn’t most men.
“Last week I set foot in an APW ring when me, Black and KJE decimated AJP, Logan and Zing like they were NOTHING and at the Supershow in Buffalo I’ll be teaming WITH Black to face McBride and Martin. If you saw what me and William Black could do on a short notice ‘orchestrated assault’ how good do you think we’ll be with almost 2 weeks notice? In Buffalo I’m not looking for a well fought wrestling match, I’m not looking for a classic. I’m looking to get the job done. Whatever it takes. However I have to do it, the job will get done. If I have to step on a Sheriff and a Nightmare to do it, then so be it. I’m getting off this goddamn show in no time flat and the only way to do that is to win, and that’s what I plan on doing.”
CK runs a hand over his greased blonde hair, nodding as he imagines himself on Overdrive, where he believes he belongs. With the likes of Kurt Noble, Biggs, Terry Marvin, Evan Envi, Azrael Goeren, Level One. A lifetime of people telling Christian Kane ‘NO’ (make your own joke)...this time he won’t be denied.
“I stand here right now to some of you as a nobody, but I’ve made a career out of proving people wrong. I’ve made a career out of superkicking people into next week. I’ve made a career out of winning. Saturday night? ...It’ll be no different.
#STUDLIFE.”
Just after his trademark catchphrase escapes his lips, the camera slowly fades to black.
No response. Hmm. With a sigh, Kane clicks his fingers and his
“How fucking observant of you. Yes, I am. Well, I’m trying to. Help me put it on, Jennifer. And Dani, when you’re done make me a Bloody Mary, this hangover won’t cure itself.” Rolling her eyes, Dani continues her work while Jennifer makes her way over to Christian, helping him to put on the outfit.
“Why are you wearing this?”
He chuckles at her. “Are you kidding me? Why am I wearing this?” He shakes his head. “Do I need to explain this to you...? I’m running a play here, Jennifer. Now’s the best time to do it. College girls come home from college for the winter break, right? Most college girls are hilariously insecure and it might be their first year of college, they’re growing up, becoming real women - but some part of them. Some miniscule tiny part of them is resisting it. It’s their childhood. It’s so difficult to let go of your childhood, and where does your childhood flourish? Christmas time. And what do insecure college girls do at Christmas time to rekindle the fire of their childhood? They go to see Santa at his grotto. And that, my humble servant, is where I come in!”
“...What about the real Santa?” Dani asks as she approaches the pair, having made Kane his drink.
“That’s where you girls come in. Well, one of you. The other one has to guy buy suit bikinis, top hats, I guess high heels and monocles.”
“Dibs on shopping!” Jennifer exclaims gleefully, happy to not be a part of Christian’s ludicrous plan.
“Dammit.” Dani stares at CK blankly. “So what do I have to do...?”
With a smirk Kane stands, walks over to a vase in the corner of the room and twists it slightly. The wall then opens to reveal a large blueprint which CK approaches. “The blueprint.” He stands in silence, as if appreciating the beauty of it. The silence is broken by Dani who stands utterly confused.
“...So what do I have to do?!”
“Read the goddamn blue pri- you have to fuck the real Santa.”
Jennifer chimes in. “Well I don’t think it’s the REAL Santa jus-”
“Bitch please, it’s the real Santa.”
Dani rolls her eyes. “You just need me to distract him? ...Fine I’ll do it.”
“There's my girl. And when you do that I’ll be hiding around the corner in my Santa costume ready to hit on some college girls!” CK takes a sip of his Bloody Mary before nonchalantly throwing it at the wall. “Awful. Let’s go!”
“What about the kids?”
CK stops in his tracks. Thinks for a second, then responds. “Wow, you’re a real bitch, Dani. Kids need Christmas too.” Once more, Kane shakes his head in disgust. “AGENDA: SANTA KANE, FUCK BITCHES, RAPE AND PILLAGE APW! LEGGO!” Grabbing a sack from behind the kitchen counter Kane opens the door and exits the apartment.
♠♠♠
Hiding behind the corner in his outfit, CK looks left and right before sending Dani out to seduce Santa. While an opportunity to bang college chicks, which no heterosexual male should ever turn down, Kane also saw this as training. Game plan training. He hadn’t wrestle almost all month, and to make his APW debut at the Meltdown Supershow was a pretty big deal for him. In a tag team match was even bigger. He and William Black must come up with a solid game plan if they ever dream of beating of John ‘Sheriff’ McBride and Niobe ‘Nightmare’ Martin. Kidding, wrestling for Christian Kane is a cakewalk, but either way, he and Black need a game plan. Because this was no thrown together team - Kane, Black and Evans made a statement last Meltdown and it’s one that’ll continue to reverb around all of APW until their voices are heard. But now...college chicks.
With Dani seducing Santa, Kane scouts the line for talent. Taking the the blueprint out of the sack CK unrolls it, frantically reading it, making sure everything is in place, looking up every now and then to take another look at the line. “Looks like a ratio of 3 kids to every 1 desperate, hot college chick.” He says to himself quietly. “That just won’t do.” With a sinister grin, Kane takes a walkie talkie out of his back pocket and presses down on the button. “Bring in the van, Roger, over.”
”Bringing in the van now, over.”
“Roger that Roger.”
A few seconds later, screams are heard as a red van slowly accelerates down the mall, the words ‘Free Candy’ spray painted on the sides. Expecting all the children to rush to the van, the exact opposite happens as the mothers take their children away from the van. The real Santa Claus sees this and shakes his heads, eventually standing and walking away as Dani looks back to Christian, mouthing the word ‘seriously?’ to CK, who shrugs his shoulders and puts on the beard, ready to hit on some college chicks, as they’re the only ones who remain in the line.
“HOES! HOES! HOES! Santa Kane is here! Let us begin!” Taking a seat on his ‘Santa Throne’, Kane ushers the first girl up to the grotto as he pushes Dani away. “Step right up! Santa’s here to grant your wish, hot college chick #1! Sit on my lap! Deja vu of the future, am I right?”
The girl almost reluctantly takes a seat on Kane’s lap before beginning.
“Well Santa, I know I’m in college but it’s sooooooooo HARD!..”
“...so hard...”, a bead of sweat runs down Kane’s forehead.
“And, I don’t know. I feel like I’m becoming another person there, y’know? And it’s not fair on my boyfriend that I’m becoming another person because I don’t want to change from like, the person he fell in love with, you know? It’s not fair on my family and it’s not fair on my because I don’t wanna change! But for Christmas I think I want a really nice bikini for the summer that’ll show off my b- DO YOU HAVE A BONER!?”
She jumps off Kane who tries to protest but to no avail. “OH MY GOD YOU SICKO!” The line begins to disperse as CK desperately tries to state his case.
“It was a banana! Don’t leave! DON’T LEAVE ME! I’M SANTA!”
The girls leave as Kane falls to his knees, screaming. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’M SANTA! COAL! COAL FOR EVERYONE! BAH HUMBUG! COAL! COAL! COAL! IT WAS A BANANA!” The mall is void of college girls now as Kane slowly gets to his feet, utterly depressed as he slumps back into the chair. “Christmas is ruined.” He utters as he removes a banana from his pocket and begins to peel it.
“Why did you even HAVE that banana?” Dani questions as she enters the grotto.
“IT WAS A GODDAMN SNACK!” He takes a bite of the banana before throwing it away. “Stupid fruit.”
Dani can’t help but find the funny side of the situation. “Well, I knew this plan would fail. And if these are the skills you’re going to use in APW then you are utterly SCREWED, Christian.”
“One of these days Danielle, I’m going to fuck your throat so hard I’ll destroy your vocal chords, then I won’t have to listen to you speak your annoying bitch talk. You harlot.” Kane rips off the beard. “APW will be easy. Who am I facing, a Sheriff and a Nightmare? And I’m teaming with William Black, yeah this’ll hard.” Being sarcastic, obviously. Dani shakes her head as she sits on CK’s lap.
“We’ve been through a lot together, Christian. You and I both know this’ll be harder than you’re making out. And if you’re being genuine then I wish you’d think again. Me and Jennifer knows you’re a superstar, sure. Delikado does. Noble does. Hart does. TJ does. Even Strike knows it, deep down. Envi’s beginning to see you are, but everyone else? They have no fucking idea who you are. They don’t know who Christian Kane is and the people that did recognize the name put your name to a completely different face. Are you going to underestimate these losers, lose, then be seen as a perpetual loser for the rest of your career? You’ll never get drafted, you’ll never get taken seriously and you’ll never show these people who Christian Kane really is. I m-”
CK cuts her off. “I don’t need you to tell me all of that. It’s either I joke around and try to bang chicks or I get super high on pain pills. I like to stay sharp before a match so I’m joking around. When it’s time to put on my serious face I put on my serious face and I get it done. In the ring, in the bedroom, backstage, wherever. Christian Kane always delivers.” He stands. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a promo to cut. I’ll see you in a few weeks...” CK looks her up and down, still a little disgusted she thought he needed a pep talk. “...slave.”
♠♠♠
“This has been a long time coming.”
Kane starts off by saying, his upper half visible to the camera, where we see that he’s wearing a black Britney Spears t-shirt. With an APW Meltdown Supershow backdrop in the background he continues.
“A long time coming because Action Packed Wrestling has been on my radar for quite sometime, now. A very long time, actually. Let me take you back to 2010, where I used to wrestle with one of my best friends in this business, Delikado. The company we were in closed down...he went one way, I went another. It was tough, but it was something I needed to do. Eventually he found his way here and every month he’d call me, asking if I was ever going to come here. If Christian Kane was ever going to set foot in an APW ring, and December 2012 was that month. The month where the world was supposed to end, Christian Kane steps foot in an APW ring.”
He smirks to himself. CK didn’t think he’d be here either. Obstacle after obstacle he had to overcome. His drug abuse, which is still ongoing, albeit it’s something he believes he has control over, the death of his fiancee, held down by management - you name it. For most men it’d be too much to handle, but The Original Bad Guy isn’t most men.
“Last week I set foot in an APW ring when me, Black and KJE decimated AJP, Logan and Zing like they were NOTHING and at the Supershow in Buffalo I’ll be teaming WITH Black to face McBride and Martin. If you saw what me and William Black could do on a short notice ‘orchestrated assault’ how good do you think we’ll be with almost 2 weeks notice? In Buffalo I’m not looking for a well fought wrestling match, I’m not looking for a classic. I’m looking to get the job done. Whatever it takes. However I have to do it, the job will get done. If I have to step on a Sheriff and a Nightmare to do it, then so be it. I’m getting off this goddamn show in no time flat and the only way to do that is to win, and that’s what I plan on doing.”
CK runs a hand over his greased blonde hair, nodding as he imagines himself on Overdrive, where he believes he belongs. With the likes of Kurt Noble, Biggs, Terry Marvin, Evan Envi, Azrael Goeren, Level One. A lifetime of people telling Christian Kane ‘NO’ (make your own joke)...this time he won’t be denied.
“I stand here right now to some of you as a nobody, but I’ve made a career out of proving people wrong. I’ve made a career out of superkicking people into next week. I’ve made a career out of winning. Saturday night? ...It’ll be no different.
#STUDLIFE.”
Just after his trademark catchphrase escapes his lips, the camera slowly fades to black.
