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Post by Kurt on Dec 24, 2012 14:45:54 GMT -4
It's back!
I know what you're thinking...shouldn't you be spending time with your family Kyle? Well, yes and no. See, I'm currently in a small little town with virtually nothing to do, hence me posting a bit right now. No work, no girlfriend, family only at select times...what's better than reviewing RPs?
Goes like this: Leave an RP, show, whatever to be feedbacked; in less than 24 hours after your post, you'll get your feedback for whatever you posted. It's that simple, and I actually hope to do them all this time!
Here's the Christmas Catch though: I'll *only* do a review for you if you've done a show or RP feedback in the last month. That's our gift exchange. If you haven't done one, do it and then send me whatever you want feedback on.
Them's the rules. Ready...set...
Go!
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The Smooth One
Low Carder
Doin Damage With Words!![F4:The Smooth One]
Posts: 204
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Post by The Smooth One on Dec 24, 2012 16:28:49 GMT -4
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Post by President Jeff on Dec 24, 2012 17:44:54 GMT -4
Feedback Christmas Chaos bitch  |
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Post by Reaver on Dec 24, 2012 17:51:04 GMT -4
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chaos lite
Midcarder
you'll never know what hit you.
Posts: 360
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Post by chaos lite on Dec 24, 2012 22:15:39 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Dec 25, 2012 12:41:48 GMT -4
"My Gift To You" Feedback I quite like the letter set-up, personally. Gives context to a monologues. My only recommendation would be to structure it a bit more like a letter. For example, an opening like this would have aided you a bit more: Dear TapOut Competitors, XXX It's a simple thing, but it assists the letter format, and thus, keeps the style going. Even though it's merely a disguised list format, I like the "To this person" format. Just adds a bit of spice to a traditional aspect. Here's my most valuable critique: Spacing. You have some rather hefty paragraphs in this RP, and having to wade through them to find your points hurts your organization. For example, it's difficult tp find Yarmouth's "gift." Separating key aspects of your RP is going to help you give those points more meaning. Here's what I advise: First, think of the idea you want to talk about. Look at the start of your paragraph, and then at the end. If the last sentence doesn't build on the idea of the first sentence, your paragraph may be too think. Here;s an outline of this idea: Intro to Idea A (first sentence) > Development of Idea A (support) > Ending of Idea A (Near close) > Transition to Idea B (Either ending sentence, or first sentence of paragraph B) (NEW PARAGRAPH) Etc. One person I would advise you to look at to improve on this is Level-One. His paragraphs are highly develop, and stay just long enough to effectively deliver his point, before moving to to a new idea. It stays fresh that way! Anyway, sorry if that rambled; I just think it's the most effective feedback I can give, ha. When did we jump to Farquhar? Just be sure to outline things like that, ha. I liked the humor in Farq's section; it definitely continues to add flavor to the piece. Just, for someone you may not know a lot of info about, try and avoid generalities if possible; lines like "You don't look like a champion" may not help because Farq has been a Champion for much of the year. Otherwise, it's a very humorous section. Like the questioning at the end. Again, I'd seperate them if possible. I felt like this was a solid piece. The letter format and gift giving aspect helped differentiate what would have been a traditional piece. There was humor, and a really solid idea behind it; now, I would focus on fine-tuning. Try to organize your RP for maximum cohesion; is the format uniform? Are paragraphs too large, or encourage skimming? Is your message translating well? When you have positive answers to those, you'll be set. Good job, and happy holidays! |
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Post by KJE on Dec 25, 2012 18:59:04 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Dec 25, 2012 23:52:38 GMT -4
Knuckles's request has been fulfilled. Yours is next! "Christmas Tree" CritiqueI'm gonna be such a little nag right now; two things catch my attention in a negative manner instantly. First is the non-capitalized title. Just makes it look a bit rushed. The second is the first word being blue. I know it's a distinguisher, but I'd find something a little more substantial and done less for an aesthetic effect. I see that it's done to dialogue purposes, so maybe I'm being too prudish here, ha! Like the narrative style; it's very personal thus far, and being that it's from a differing perspective, gives me an interesting insight into AJP. The conversational tone is really gripping; the language is obviously profane, but it feels genuine, if maybe a little overboard. Seeing some red-faced parents would have made it seem like AJP's behavior was totally-out-of-line, instead of seeing two kids being purely amused with it. First segment is pretty good overall. The second segment. which pretty much comes off as only a transition, is alright. Kind of odd to see AJP go from loud, to quiet, and back to loud for the finale. I guess the middle just needed a little more to build-up the monologue. Where did Cassidy go? The narratorial shift really throws me off. If you do need to change it up, change it up visually so I can see the shift; I thought Cassidy was still narrating at the start of the monologue. Maintaining consistency is gonna be key for keep reader interest. I love your pacing. It moves along really well, and gives me just enough to go off of; your monologue is moving along nicely. I applaud you on it. Loved the "Go ahead. I'll wait." line. I love little breaking-the-wall moments like that. About lost it at the "Shut the fuck up" line. Great attention-grabber. Some of the transitions are a bit off (like moving to Donald Deruty), but it's a fairly minor thing, and happens when your piece moves at a brisk pace. My only real issue with this charismatic, well-structured monologue is that you really don't sell your opponents that much. You tear them down pretty viciously, which is fine; you just have to make them somewhat important before you tear them down. The first segment sort of does this, but it needs to be hammered home in the monologue...and then you can absolutely destroy them in as verbose a manner as you'd like. If you can make the reader care about your opponents, you're golden. I know you were wondering where you went wrong, and I think it was just a lot of little things; the narrative shift, some weaker transitions, and a lack of selling. None of these are fundamental problems for you as a writer; all except the last can be changed very easily. Just be aware when you're doing them in a second-read through, and remove them when possible. Self-awareness is key here. Also, big thing here (not really a critique); where is your tag partner? A lot of tag teams lose matches because they don't know how to write tag team RPs; they just write two single RPs. I need a way for you to be connected to your tag partner, which will help with the sense of cohesion. It's an issue to look at in the future. Otherwise, this was a very entertaining piece. Great characters, humor, charisma; you have *it*. You're a very personable writer, so now's just the time to make some tweaks here and there. There were no fundamental problems, so you're set! Great job! |
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Post by Kurt on Dec 26, 2012 0:00:19 GMT -4
Gonna do KJE's in the morning, as I'm a sleepy little bugger right now, ha.
I'll extend this to tomorrow as well if you'd like feedback, but only for tomorrow; I'm traveling Thursday and Friday, so no feedback from me!
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Post by Kurt on Dec 26, 2012 13:30:29 GMT -4
Finished!
Last chance if you'd like a piece critiqued!
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Dec 26, 2012 13:54:10 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Dec 26, 2012 22:51:30 GMT -4
Happy to oblige. I'll critique the RP, and then give you some tips for S&C. I've done two of them now...so I can at least pretend to know what I'm talking about! "Putting up the Christmas Lights" CritiqueOpening line addresses your opponent; it's an instant attention grabber. Alright, here's the biggest piece of feedback I can offer: You need to stay in kayfabe (hate that word, but whatevs) at essentially all times. What I mean by that is when you start to act out of the context that wrestling is "real," you start to show us exactly where the rabbit is in the hat. Avoid the following: - Reference to the word promo (use words like "rambling," "speech," or any other word that refers to spoken language on that context. - Avoid using RP criteria as material in yourverbal beatdown. Things like "You didn't mention your opponent" are technically criticisms of an RP, but they exist outside the realm of realism as far as insults go. It would be like me facing someone and saying "Gosh, your spelling is abysmal." It may be true, but it's not an insult related to the character, or wrestling; it's RP criticism. Replace kay-fabe breaking insults like that, with statementslike "Your focus seemed elsewhere..." or "I didn't understand a damn thing you said." The more grounded in this wrestling-related universe your reader is, the less likely they are to remember that they're reading about fake wrestlers on the Internet, ha. I do like that you address certain elements of what your opponent said about you though; proves you were paying attention. However, remember that RPs should not be direct responses; I shouldn't have to have read his RP to understand yours. There's a fine line between outright quoting your opponent, and summarizing what they said, so the challenge is finding it! Once you hit the "I'm proud" segment, you were rolling. I like the use of rhetorical questions, as they capture reader attention. and are directly addressing your opponent. When you hit the parallelism and repetition for effect points of your RP, I'm really digging it because there's a great sense of comparison there. Not gonna lie, the second part comes off a bit awkward. Not the actual act of putting up the lights; that's fine. The conversation between J-Mac and Buckson comes off as forced, ha. Conversations don't have to be one-sided, and they don't always have to get right to the point; what's the relationship here? How can this conversation build on what we already know? If you can build J-Mac up as more than a crutch, you'll have elevated your characters to a new level. Kind of feel like the two parts should have been switched; I know that's traditional, but the piece ends on a less-than-climactic note, while the first segment ended on a strong note. Overall, it was a pretty solid piece. The match-talk was definitely there; now you just need to tweak the delivery. If you avoid making me realize I'm reading a "promo," you'll have a greater grasp of my attention. You have a strong authoritative tone when you get going, the kind that guys like Marvin and Knuckles beat people to tears with, ha. Now's the time to work on hos it's presented. Here's some tips for S&C: - Be unique. You'll be up against 99 people that are all looking to stand out; how can you be different? You don't have to have a far-out idea, but I guarantee 90% of the people will be saying "I'm going to survive, and conquer." Guess what? Whoever wins won't be saying that. They'll be putting a new spin on an old idea. I suggest you do the same. Allioth Starre did this well, I think. - Don't reply to what's been said about you, and don't do a list format; 99 guys times 300 words, equals xxxx to respond to; it's too much! Find an idea, and make it your own; then you can name-drop people that apply to that idea. If you want a top level promo that envelops this idea, go read Azrael Goeren's RP from last year. - Make sure your RP is free of little spelling and grammar errors. I know they're tiny, but things like this separates writers when it gets down to it. Quadruple-check your RPs! - Above all, be entertaining. 99 RPs are HARD to get through; make it fun to read. If I'm banging my head on the keyboard reading 6 of the same RP in a row, and you have something unique, and fresh that entertains me, you're going places. Read Knuckles's piece from last year; he captured this perfectly. Sorry to kill your eyes with all this rambling! |
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Dec 26, 2012 23:03:23 GMT -4
Kill my eyes? That was solid, bro! I really needed that. You hit the nail on the head precisely. I will take your advice to heart. Thanks for the help on S&C as well. I've already started writing for it and your advice is going to help me immensely. Thank you for taking the time to help a new guy like me.
I really, really appreciate the help. Thank you!
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Post by Reaver on Dec 26, 2012 23:14:38 GMT -4
Kill my eyes? That was solid, bro! I really needed that. You hit the nail on the head precisely. I will take your advice to heart. Thanks for the help on S&C as well. I've already started writing for it and your advice is going to help me immensely. Thank you for taking the time to help a new guy like me. I really, really appreciate the help. Thank you! just to touch up on wat kurt said, really watch ur spelling cuz if i had spell check at the time, my rp might have gone further then 4th but on that same note....i cant complain cuz 4th out of 86 is 1 hell of a feat. read mine, read kurts, read azraels, and read starres rps from last yr. that should help |
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Post by Buckson Gooch on Dec 26, 2012 23:41:21 GMT -4
Kill my eyes? That was solid, bro! I really needed that. You hit the nail on the head precisely. I will take your advice to heart. Thanks for the help on S&C as well. I've already started writing for it and your advice is going to help me immensely. Thank you for taking the time to help a new guy like me. I really, really appreciate the help. Thank you! just to touch up on wat kurt said, really watch ur spelling cuz if i had spell check at the time, my rp might have gone further then 4th but on that same note....i cant complain cuz 4th out of 86 is 1 hell of a feat. read mine, read kurts, read azraels, and read starres rps from last yr. that should help Thanks, Knuckles. I'll be using two different spell/grammar checkers. paperrater.com and ginger software are both good. I used paperrater.com through school. Ginger software is pretty good too. I'm looking forward to reading the RPs you've mentioned. Thanks for the advice guys, makes me feel like part of the "team" |
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