Post by estarr on Sept 18, 2008 6:08:31 GMT -4
Voice: You! Yes, you! Listen up.
Have you ever wanted a kidney? No, not some sheep's kideny you can eat in a meal. A human kidney! Well, this is your chance.
If you call 555-4960, and if we're not shut down and arrested, we will be able to take your order to get you your kidney. You will experience the 6-star customer service that got us the 2007 Best Blackmarket Customer Service Award, as well as another 4 awards, at the ADX Florence SuperMax Prison Awards. That's right! You can rest assured that you're dealing witha 5 Gold Shiv Award company.
We will handle your kidney with care as we ship it in a handmade ice box, with only the best ice from our freezer (the ones from the back, right best the bag of peas). You will get your kidney overnight. We ship to all addresses - residential, commercial, business, hosptials. Sorry, no PO boxes.
Get on the phone NOW! Get your kidney NOW! That's 555-4960. Don't delay! Kidney. Call. Kidney! CALL! NOW!
The ad comes to a close and we find Jake sitting on a deckchair, out on the beach. If he's going to be in LA for a day, he's hardly going to miss the beach. He's lying there in his trunks - the pale white of his nerd-skin (you know, the only area with a tan is the V on his chest where the computer monitor has hit him), hoping to get a tan going to impress a certain someone. Well, a certain anyone I guess. He sits up, on cue, as the camera works his way over to him. He smiles at the camera, the promo gets under way.
Jake: Let me start off by saying something that needs to be said. Yahoo sucks. It does. Google is the supreme search engine. Its business model far outranks Yahoo's, an dtheir market dominance, and generated capital for further investment for increase market shares surpasses that of Yahoo. Yahoo sucks. That is all.
Jake hops up, grabs his shirt and tosses it over his shoulder then starts to walk off. His sandals click as he crosses the sand, staring all all the ladies he passes. He gives an approving nod to the camera, before they finally get off the beach, then start walking the sidewalk. A red convertable passes, from which you hear a lot of laughter. Jake doesn't seem to notice, as they go on.
Now, as for my little match against this green Mexican bean, I'd better address some issues. Yes, I'm in shape. No, I didn't show up last week. Yes, I was back at my farm. No, I was not on MSNBC. Yes, I was having sex with your mother. No, it wasn't pleasant. With all that cleared up, I think we can move beyond my previous indiscretions and no-shows, and face the true and honest facts this week. Those facts being the following.
Jake counts on his hand as he goes.
Jake: One: I have a match against this Ignacio Ricardo, aka Iggy The Iguana, aka Iggy the Pop, aka Iggy Shambles, aka Iggy Likes Ice Cream, aka Iglo, aka Franky the Snitch, aka Iggy doesn't have nearly as many nicknames as that Spirit chick. Thank gosh-golly for that. Otherwise we'd be here all day.
Fact number two: Iggy will probably win this week.
Fact number three: I don't have enough money to bride any officials or President Jeff to get the win because I spent it all on *ahem* magazines.
Fact number four: I just don't care about all of that.
I think that all of the previous is pretty self-explanatory except for that fact number four. I just don't care about it. I don't care that Iggy will probably win, or that I'm impoverished ... well, I do care a little that I have no money. Though, I turned up this week, so I'll have money again. Fact number one is true, but I don't care who I have my match against, as long as I have a match. Why don't I care? Because it doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because I go out there to win - whether my opponent is a cheap gimmick rip-off of CM Punk or if he is a drunk Mexican. I go out there to achieve the same thing each time - make my opponent tap out or hold him to the ground for the count of 3. My objective doesn't change just because my opponent does. The way I do it does, but not what I want to achieve.
How I plan to do it is another matter. I don't even know just yet. Give me a couple days and I'll have figured something out. I might *Jake stops to think, tapping his chin, until he comes upon a great idea!* ... hit him. And follow up by *Again, thinking before another great idea!* ... kicking him. And then, after all that I'll ... hit him again! Yes! Jake, you're on a roll. Hit, kick, hit. Hit, kick, hit. Wait! I figured out a way to increase my productivity 33.3(repeater)%: Hit, kick, repeat. Hit, kick, repeat. Surely if I do that, I can win. I mean, it's so simple that it's devious. It's so simple it's like working at a diaper factory. Even that Jason Royce could do it.
Jake stops to think. If Jason Royce could do it, maybe Jake Ruby needs something more complex. Perhaps he should go look up his move list on the roster page and formulate a plan of some description. Though, I wrote his move list and let me tell you: There ain't much there other than 'hit' and 'kick'. Isn't a chop his finisher? Or a hip toss or something ridiculous?
Jake: Actually, I think this writer is right. I need something a little more complex than that. What about busting out some serious wrestling moves like an armbar, or a spear, or one of those killer moves that everyone underestimates. Then, when he's least suspecting it, that Iggy will get the full taste of the Tater Drop. And if you don't know what that is, let me get someone to show you. Hit it Johnny!
The screen cuts to one of Jake's martches where he is about to use the Tater Drop. He climbs all the way up to the bottom rope (not the top rope), shuffles over to the turnbuckles with care, lines himself up and hits his leg drop! The crowd are ... silent as Jake rolls *insert wrestler's name here* up for the pin. 1-2-3! Jake wins! The world of wrestling is a sader place! The camera returns to the Jake of now, wiping away a tear, all red-eyed.
Jake: A moving, touching moment. And a moment of glory, gore, and wrestling at its finest! That's the sort of stuff I'll need to bust out against Iggy the Pop. Some of my best and finest. Wear that bum down till he is primed for the Tater Drop. I had better put out a warning right now: Parents, make sure your kids are watching. Because just by watching this you will be 57% more tougher, stronger, and more able to beat the crap out of bullies. Your kids will finally be able to stand up for themselves even if you continue to wait outside the classroom to take your "little precious" to the toilet. I don't care what they say: That makes for good parenting. It worked me me and my upbringing. I just wish I had someone like me in my life then.
Anyway, back to the important things. Iggy is my opponent. Iggy, I have to hand it to you: How you manage to wrestle week-in, week-out drunk, over and over again is beyond me. And how they let you from state-to-state without a Greencard is just as fascinating. I only say that because I assume you are an illegal immigrant, and a perma-drunk who is worse than Jake Roberts, and did you see that latest video of him!?, thus fulfilling all the stereotypes I have about Mexicans. If you went to Taco Bell, that would really top it all off. Tacos and hotdogs without the sausage and the bun is really a flat piece of bread ... burritos! That's it. That's typical of the Mexicans - always trying to steal our stuff. First they stole our land, so we took it back. Then they steal our food. Now they're stealing my taxes. Well, guess what, they won't be stealing one thing: Good ol' fashion American glory.
Because when I win, when Jake Ruby has his hand held high, glory will be restored. Restored to this country and this company and myself. I need this win to get me back on track. Losing to Michael Lively is ... well ... sad. It's very sad. Iggy probably thinks he's got a walk in the park this week. He does not. Iggy is a main eventer, so how can he lose? Easy: I can kick ass. Or hit ass. Or hit then kick ass. Or maybe I won't do any of that, and freak you out with something new and scary!
Iggy, you're a big name in this company, and you've done a lot for it. Congratulations - now get out. It's time for Jake Ruby to finally ascend. And my first step in this ascending is going to be over you Iggy.
Have you ever wanted a kidney? No, not some sheep's kideny you can eat in a meal. A human kidney! Well, this is your chance.
If you call 555-4960, and if we're not shut down and arrested, we will be able to take your order to get you your kidney. You will experience the 6-star customer service that got us the 2007 Best Blackmarket Customer Service Award, as well as another 4 awards, at the ADX Florence SuperMax Prison Awards. That's right! You can rest assured that you're dealing witha 5 Gold Shiv Award company.
We will handle your kidney with care as we ship it in a handmade ice box, with only the best ice from our freezer (the ones from the back, right best the bag of peas). You will get your kidney overnight. We ship to all addresses - residential, commercial, business, hosptials. Sorry, no PO boxes.
Get on the phone NOW! Get your kidney NOW! That's 555-4960. Don't delay! Kidney. Call. Kidney! CALL! NOW!
The ad comes to a close and we find Jake sitting on a deckchair, out on the beach. If he's going to be in LA for a day, he's hardly going to miss the beach. He's lying there in his trunks - the pale white of his nerd-skin (you know, the only area with a tan is the V on his chest where the computer monitor has hit him), hoping to get a tan going to impress a certain someone. Well, a certain anyone I guess. He sits up, on cue, as the camera works his way over to him. He smiles at the camera, the promo gets under way.
Jake: Let me start off by saying something that needs to be said. Yahoo sucks. It does. Google is the supreme search engine. Its business model far outranks Yahoo's, an dtheir market dominance, and generated capital for further investment for increase market shares surpasses that of Yahoo. Yahoo sucks. That is all.
Jake hops up, grabs his shirt and tosses it over his shoulder then starts to walk off. His sandals click as he crosses the sand, staring all all the ladies he passes. He gives an approving nod to the camera, before they finally get off the beach, then start walking the sidewalk. A red convertable passes, from which you hear a lot of laughter. Jake doesn't seem to notice, as they go on.
Now, as for my little match against this green Mexican bean, I'd better address some issues. Yes, I'm in shape. No, I didn't show up last week. Yes, I was back at my farm. No, I was not on MSNBC. Yes, I was having sex with your mother. No, it wasn't pleasant. With all that cleared up, I think we can move beyond my previous indiscretions and no-shows, and face the true and honest facts this week. Those facts being the following.
Jake counts on his hand as he goes.
Jake: One: I have a match against this Ignacio Ricardo, aka Iggy The Iguana, aka Iggy the Pop, aka Iggy Shambles, aka Iggy Likes Ice Cream, aka Iglo, aka Franky the Snitch, aka Iggy doesn't have nearly as many nicknames as that Spirit chick. Thank gosh-golly for that. Otherwise we'd be here all day.
Fact number two: Iggy will probably win this week.
Fact number three: I don't have enough money to bride any officials or President Jeff to get the win because I spent it all on *ahem* magazines.
Fact number four: I just don't care about all of that.
I think that all of the previous is pretty self-explanatory except for that fact number four. I just don't care about it. I don't care that Iggy will probably win, or that I'm impoverished ... well, I do care a little that I have no money. Though, I turned up this week, so I'll have money again. Fact number one is true, but I don't care who I have my match against, as long as I have a match. Why don't I care? Because it doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because I go out there to win - whether my opponent is a cheap gimmick rip-off of CM Punk or if he is a drunk Mexican. I go out there to achieve the same thing each time - make my opponent tap out or hold him to the ground for the count of 3. My objective doesn't change just because my opponent does. The way I do it does, but not what I want to achieve.
How I plan to do it is another matter. I don't even know just yet. Give me a couple days and I'll have figured something out. I might *Jake stops to think, tapping his chin, until he comes upon a great idea!* ... hit him. And follow up by *Again, thinking before another great idea!* ... kicking him. And then, after all that I'll ... hit him again! Yes! Jake, you're on a roll. Hit, kick, hit. Hit, kick, hit. Wait! I figured out a way to increase my productivity 33.3(repeater)%: Hit, kick, repeat. Hit, kick, repeat. Surely if I do that, I can win. I mean, it's so simple that it's devious. It's so simple it's like working at a diaper factory. Even that Jason Royce could do it.
Jake stops to think. If Jason Royce could do it, maybe Jake Ruby needs something more complex. Perhaps he should go look up his move list on the roster page and formulate a plan of some description. Though, I wrote his move list and let me tell you: There ain't much there other than 'hit' and 'kick'. Isn't a chop his finisher? Or a hip toss or something ridiculous?
Jake: Actually, I think this writer is right. I need something a little more complex than that. What about busting out some serious wrestling moves like an armbar, or a spear, or one of those killer moves that everyone underestimates. Then, when he's least suspecting it, that Iggy will get the full taste of the Tater Drop. And if you don't know what that is, let me get someone to show you. Hit it Johnny!
The screen cuts to one of Jake's martches where he is about to use the Tater Drop. He climbs all the way up to the bottom rope (not the top rope), shuffles over to the turnbuckles with care, lines himself up and hits his leg drop! The crowd are ... silent as Jake rolls *insert wrestler's name here* up for the pin. 1-2-3! Jake wins! The world of wrestling is a sader place! The camera returns to the Jake of now, wiping away a tear, all red-eyed.
Jake: A moving, touching moment. And a moment of glory, gore, and wrestling at its finest! That's the sort of stuff I'll need to bust out against Iggy the Pop. Some of my best and finest. Wear that bum down till he is primed for the Tater Drop. I had better put out a warning right now: Parents, make sure your kids are watching. Because just by watching this you will be 57% more tougher, stronger, and more able to beat the crap out of bullies. Your kids will finally be able to stand up for themselves even if you continue to wait outside the classroom to take your "little precious" to the toilet. I don't care what they say: That makes for good parenting. It worked me me and my upbringing. I just wish I had someone like me in my life then.
Anyway, back to the important things. Iggy is my opponent. Iggy, I have to hand it to you: How you manage to wrestle week-in, week-out drunk, over and over again is beyond me. And how they let you from state-to-state without a Greencard is just as fascinating. I only say that because I assume you are an illegal immigrant, and a perma-drunk who is worse than Jake Roberts, and did you see that latest video of him!?, thus fulfilling all the stereotypes I have about Mexicans. If you went to Taco Bell, that would really top it all off. Tacos and hotdogs without the sausage and the bun is really a flat piece of bread ... burritos! That's it. That's typical of the Mexicans - always trying to steal our stuff. First they stole our land, so we took it back. Then they steal our food. Now they're stealing my taxes. Well, guess what, they won't be stealing one thing: Good ol' fashion American glory.
Because when I win, when Jake Ruby has his hand held high, glory will be restored. Restored to this country and this company and myself. I need this win to get me back on track. Losing to Michael Lively is ... well ... sad. It's very sad. Iggy probably thinks he's got a walk in the park this week. He does not. Iggy is a main eventer, so how can he lose? Easy: I can kick ass. Or hit ass. Or hit then kick ass. Or maybe I won't do any of that, and freak you out with something new and scary!
Iggy, you're a big name in this company, and you've done a lot for it. Congratulations - now get out. It's time for Jake Ruby to finally ascend. And my first step in this ascending is going to be over you Iggy.
