Post by Dr. Matt on Oct 12, 2008 19:05:15 GMT -4
The scene opens in Dr. Matt's "Doctor's Office". Dr. Matt is standing next to the kitchenette - with his countertops covered in dirty dishes - chugging out of a bottle of Smirnoff. He stops for a minute to catch his breath, and he has a worried look on his face. He then continues to chug until the bottle is bone dry. He throws the bottle away, then collapses onto the floor, with his head in his hands.
Dr. Matt: It happened. It finally happened.
Dr. Matt starts to bawl like a little bitch.
Frank the Cameraman: What the hell is your problem?
Dr. Matt: I've drank myself stupid. I just chugged a whole bottle of vodka and I didn't even feel the burn. Fuck, I don't even feel a little buzzed. I don't think I can process alcohol anymore. My life is ruined.
Frank the Cameraman: You didn't watch Player One's promo last week, did you?
Dr. Matt: Who the fuck is Player One?
Frank the Cameraman: You beat her last week on Overdrive...
Dr. Matt just stares at Frank blankly.
Frank the Cameraman: Whatever. What's with all the dishes.
Dr. Matt: Oh, someone broke in here and replaced my dish detergent with table salt. Then, I went to buy some more, and it turned out they stole the hundred dollar bill I was keeping in her as back-up money.
Dr. Matt then reaches under the sink and pulls out a box of dish detergent, a plastic straw, and a razor blade. He pours some of the detergent out on a mirror on his table, and starts shaping it into a line. He gets out the straw, and the camera cuts away as Dr. Matt can be heard snorting. We cut back, and Dr. Matt is rubbing his nose and shaking his head.
Frank the Cameraman: What the fuck!?
Dr. Matt: Don't worry. It's just coke.
Frank the Cameraman: Exactly! What the fuck?
Dr. Matt: Wait. You don't think someone came in here and poured out my detergent thinking it was my stash, do you? You think I'd be stupid enough to just leave cocaine lying around? Fuck that. It's just an old bait and switch. I hope the dumbass who took it was retarded enough to do a line. Speaking of which, I'm going to have to fine a new place to hide my shit...
Dr. Matt shrugs as he gets up and walks across the room. He stumbles into a coffee table before collapsing onto the couch. He laughs as blood starts pouring from his shin. He then picks up a Wii-mote and a Nunchuk and aims then at his big screen TV. The APW logo flashes across the screen, then the words "OVERDRIVE - BETA VERSION 3.7.2" shows up.
Dr. Matt: Check this shit out. Beta release of an APW game. This game is going to have the best fucking graphics and the most realistic movements ever. Didn't even have to do motion capture. They got this new technology that can just analyze television feeds by calculating shit from all the different camera angles. It's ridiculous.
Dr. Matt goes through a few bare bones menus.
Dr. Matt: They haven't gotten this shit prepped yet. They've been focusing on gameplay, and let me tell you, this is fucking b-a-n-a-n-a bananas.
Dr. Matt selects "6-Man Tag" from the match menu. He sets the Wii-mote down and picks up a half smoked cigarette out of a nearby ashtray and lights it up. He takes a puff, and keeps going through the options.
Dr. Matt: I just thought I'd just run a little scenario here, just to show the fans what to expect on Monday Night.
Dr. Matt then goes through the "Select Wrestlers" menu. The list is huge.
Dr. Matt: This game has a ridiculous roster. If anybody has ever been shown on APW Television, they'll be in this game. Fuck, you can even fight as Tony Ferrari if you want too. His finisher is called the "And In This Corner": it's a powerbomb off the turnbuckle. Fucking ridiculous. Guy wears a full suit the whole time too.
Dr. Matt giggles at the thought. There may be more than tobacco in that cigarette.
Dr. Matt: Alright, let me just select the players here. We got Nipple Twister, BitchTits, and Jason the "Menstration" against myself, Man-Cow, and...
Dr. Matt looks through the list of wrestlers and can't find Link.
Dr. Matt: Son of a bitch, this is last week's version. Link isn't in this thing yet. But he used to be a staffer back when I was Jeff's bitch.
Dr. Matt scrolls to the bottom of the list. There's a few spots at the end of the list with just question marks for names. All of these characters kind of look like Link.
Dr. Matt: These are just placeholders for more characters they'll put into the game. They have pretty basic movesets and don't have a lot of stamina. I guess it's just a coincidence they look like Link.
Dr. Matt selects "Play" and waits as the game loads.
Dr. Matt: Oddly enough, I'm actually going to be listed as a "Legend" in this game. That means I gotta be unlocked. That means people actually gotta try if they want to be me in this thing. Of course, it also means that I'm going to have one helluva rating in this thing. They wanted to put me at the realistic 99, but I told them to tone me down to 92. Just so Twister won't cry.
The game starts. Spirit and Dr. Matt are in the ring, and the others are on the apron. The graphics are incredible, and it looks like you're watching an actual video. The camera angle even changes to ringside shots like on television. Dr. Matt and Spirit walk toward each other. Dr. Matt flicks the Wii-mote with his wrist, and the on-screen Dr. Matt grabs Spirit by the throat and lays her out with the Mattisfaction. Spirit's "Overdrive" meter goes to "critical".
Dr. Matt: Of course, this is still the beta-release. They haven't fixed those ratings yet.
"Jason Ricochet" climbs through the ropes and comes at Dr. Matt.
Dr. Matt: The A.I. in this game is nuts. People act like actual wrestlers. Video game tag wrestling will never be the same again.
The Sensation goes for a clothesline, but Dr. Matt lays him out with the Doctor's Orders. We get replays from every angle, as the fans start a "Dr. Matt" chant.
Dr. Matt: Now check this shit out.
The corner of the screen starts flashing the words "Go Into Overdrive". Dr. Matt flicks the analog stick on the Nunchuk, and the video game goes into slow motion as his on-screen counterpart poses in the middle of the ring. Then, Twister runs into the ring to try to attack Dr. Matt, but Matt pushes the Z-Trigger and Twister gets laid out with the Induced Paralysis. Twister is left lying in the ring with his neck twisted at an awkward angle. The bell rings and the words "Referee Stoppage" flash across the screen. Dr. Matt celebrates, with Sabur and Link posing in the background as Twister is loaded onto a stretcher.
Dr. Matt: You can actually break bones in this game. It's fucking sick.
Dr. Matt throws down the Wii-Motes and picks up the tv remote. He turns up the volume as "Encore" by Eminem plays on the game. The voices of Johnny Chase and Darren Harvey discussing Twister's tragic neck breaking can also be heard.
Dr. Matt: Okay, Monday Night obviously isn't going to go down this way. I mean, fuck, I may not even start off the match. But once I get in the ring, well, then expect shit to go down that way.
Dr. Matt smiles and takes a drag off his cigarette. He then smiles and picks the controller back up.
Dr. Matt: Check this shit out.
He pushes a few buttons, then the game goes back to play mode. Dr. Matt walks over to a EMS trying to put a brace on Twister, and Dr. Matt kicks him in the nuts. The guy rolls away, and Dr. Matt picks Twister up and gives him another Induced Paralysis. Twister's head is now hanging off to the side and it's obvious he's dead. Dr. Matt then walks over to Link and Sabur, who are still celebrating, and smashes their heads together. He then starts posing himself.
Dr. Matt: Post match confrontations. Fucking brilliant. Because, let's not forget, once that final bell rings, Sabur and Link go back to being the enemy. Hell, to be honest with you, I really don't feel that obliged to work with them in the first place. It's not like the winning team gets the last three spots or anything. This is just unoriginal booking that Jeff has pulled to help sell his pay-per-view. The big sell here is for the fans to wonder how long the teams can keep it together. Well, my guess is not very long. Because, in all fucking honesty, I really don't give two squirts of piss about this match. I'm actually only going to show up to keep my spot in the Elimination Chamber.
Dr. Matt takes a final drag off his cigarette and crushes the butt into the ashtray as he picks the controllers up again. He plays for a solid 5 minutes without saying anything. He glances up and sees the camera and is confused.
Dr. Matt: You're still here?
Frank the Cameraman: I didn't realize you were done.
Dr. Matt: 100% Mattisfaction Guarenteed. There, happy? Get the fuck outta here.
Fade to black.
Dr. Matt: It happened. It finally happened.
Dr. Matt starts to bawl like a little bitch.
Frank the Cameraman: What the hell is your problem?
Dr. Matt: I've drank myself stupid. I just chugged a whole bottle of vodka and I didn't even feel the burn. Fuck, I don't even feel a little buzzed. I don't think I can process alcohol anymore. My life is ruined.
Frank the Cameraman: You didn't watch Player One's promo last week, did you?
Dr. Matt: Who the fuck is Player One?
Frank the Cameraman: You beat her last week on Overdrive...
Dr. Matt just stares at Frank blankly.
Frank the Cameraman: Whatever. What's with all the dishes.
Dr. Matt: Oh, someone broke in here and replaced my dish detergent with table salt. Then, I went to buy some more, and it turned out they stole the hundred dollar bill I was keeping in her as back-up money.
Dr. Matt then reaches under the sink and pulls out a box of dish detergent, a plastic straw, and a razor blade. He pours some of the detergent out on a mirror on his table, and starts shaping it into a line. He gets out the straw, and the camera cuts away as Dr. Matt can be heard snorting. We cut back, and Dr. Matt is rubbing his nose and shaking his head.
Frank the Cameraman: What the fuck!?
Dr. Matt: Don't worry. It's just coke.
Frank the Cameraman: Exactly! What the fuck?
Dr. Matt: Wait. You don't think someone came in here and poured out my detergent thinking it was my stash, do you? You think I'd be stupid enough to just leave cocaine lying around? Fuck that. It's just an old bait and switch. I hope the dumbass who took it was retarded enough to do a line. Speaking of which, I'm going to have to fine a new place to hide my shit...
Dr. Matt shrugs as he gets up and walks across the room. He stumbles into a coffee table before collapsing onto the couch. He laughs as blood starts pouring from his shin. He then picks up a Wii-mote and a Nunchuk and aims then at his big screen TV. The APW logo flashes across the screen, then the words "OVERDRIVE - BETA VERSION 3.7.2" shows up.
Dr. Matt: Check this shit out. Beta release of an APW game. This game is going to have the best fucking graphics and the most realistic movements ever. Didn't even have to do motion capture. They got this new technology that can just analyze television feeds by calculating shit from all the different camera angles. It's ridiculous.
Dr. Matt goes through a few bare bones menus.
Dr. Matt: They haven't gotten this shit prepped yet. They've been focusing on gameplay, and let me tell you, this is fucking b-a-n-a-n-a bananas.
Dr. Matt selects "6-Man Tag" from the match menu. He sets the Wii-mote down and picks up a half smoked cigarette out of a nearby ashtray and lights it up. He takes a puff, and keeps going through the options.
Dr. Matt: I just thought I'd just run a little scenario here, just to show the fans what to expect on Monday Night.
Dr. Matt then goes through the "Select Wrestlers" menu. The list is huge.
Dr. Matt: This game has a ridiculous roster. If anybody has ever been shown on APW Television, they'll be in this game. Fuck, you can even fight as Tony Ferrari if you want too. His finisher is called the "And In This Corner": it's a powerbomb off the turnbuckle. Fucking ridiculous. Guy wears a full suit the whole time too.
Dr. Matt giggles at the thought. There may be more than tobacco in that cigarette.
Dr. Matt: Alright, let me just select the players here. We got Nipple Twister, BitchTits, and Jason the "Menstration" against myself, Man-Cow, and...
Dr. Matt looks through the list of wrestlers and can't find Link.
Dr. Matt: Son of a bitch, this is last week's version. Link isn't in this thing yet. But he used to be a staffer back when I was Jeff's bitch.
Dr. Matt scrolls to the bottom of the list. There's a few spots at the end of the list with just question marks for names. All of these characters kind of look like Link.
Dr. Matt: These are just placeholders for more characters they'll put into the game. They have pretty basic movesets and don't have a lot of stamina. I guess it's just a coincidence they look like Link.
Dr. Matt selects "Play" and waits as the game loads.
Dr. Matt: Oddly enough, I'm actually going to be listed as a "Legend" in this game. That means I gotta be unlocked. That means people actually gotta try if they want to be me in this thing. Of course, it also means that I'm going to have one helluva rating in this thing. They wanted to put me at the realistic 99, but I told them to tone me down to 92. Just so Twister won't cry.
The game starts. Spirit and Dr. Matt are in the ring, and the others are on the apron. The graphics are incredible, and it looks like you're watching an actual video. The camera angle even changes to ringside shots like on television. Dr. Matt and Spirit walk toward each other. Dr. Matt flicks the Wii-mote with his wrist, and the on-screen Dr. Matt grabs Spirit by the throat and lays her out with the Mattisfaction. Spirit's "Overdrive" meter goes to "critical".
Dr. Matt: Of course, this is still the beta-release. They haven't fixed those ratings yet.
"Jason Ricochet" climbs through the ropes and comes at Dr. Matt.
Dr. Matt: The A.I. in this game is nuts. People act like actual wrestlers. Video game tag wrestling will never be the same again.
The Sensation goes for a clothesline, but Dr. Matt lays him out with the Doctor's Orders. We get replays from every angle, as the fans start a "Dr. Matt" chant.
Dr. Matt: Now check this shit out.
The corner of the screen starts flashing the words "Go Into Overdrive". Dr. Matt flicks the analog stick on the Nunchuk, and the video game goes into slow motion as his on-screen counterpart poses in the middle of the ring. Then, Twister runs into the ring to try to attack Dr. Matt, but Matt pushes the Z-Trigger and Twister gets laid out with the Induced Paralysis. Twister is left lying in the ring with his neck twisted at an awkward angle. The bell rings and the words "Referee Stoppage" flash across the screen. Dr. Matt celebrates, with Sabur and Link posing in the background as Twister is loaded onto a stretcher.
Dr. Matt: You can actually break bones in this game. It's fucking sick.
Dr. Matt throws down the Wii-Motes and picks up the tv remote. He turns up the volume as "Encore" by Eminem plays on the game. The voices of Johnny Chase and Darren Harvey discussing Twister's tragic neck breaking can also be heard.
Dr. Matt: Okay, Monday Night obviously isn't going to go down this way. I mean, fuck, I may not even start off the match. But once I get in the ring, well, then expect shit to go down that way.
Dr. Matt smiles and takes a drag off his cigarette. He then smiles and picks the controller back up.
Dr. Matt: Check this shit out.
He pushes a few buttons, then the game goes back to play mode. Dr. Matt walks over to a EMS trying to put a brace on Twister, and Dr. Matt kicks him in the nuts. The guy rolls away, and Dr. Matt picks Twister up and gives him another Induced Paralysis. Twister's head is now hanging off to the side and it's obvious he's dead. Dr. Matt then walks over to Link and Sabur, who are still celebrating, and smashes their heads together. He then starts posing himself.
Dr. Matt: Post match confrontations. Fucking brilliant. Because, let's not forget, once that final bell rings, Sabur and Link go back to being the enemy. Hell, to be honest with you, I really don't feel that obliged to work with them in the first place. It's not like the winning team gets the last three spots or anything. This is just unoriginal booking that Jeff has pulled to help sell his pay-per-view. The big sell here is for the fans to wonder how long the teams can keep it together. Well, my guess is not very long. Because, in all fucking honesty, I really don't give two squirts of piss about this match. I'm actually only going to show up to keep my spot in the Elimination Chamber.
Dr. Matt takes a final drag off his cigarette and crushes the butt into the ashtray as he picks the controllers up again. He plays for a solid 5 minutes without saying anything. He glances up and sees the camera and is confused.
Dr. Matt: You're still here?
Frank the Cameraman: I didn't realize you were done.
Dr. Matt: 100% Mattisfaction Guarenteed. There, happy? Get the fuck outta here.
Fade to black.
