Post by iggy on Aug 15, 2008 18:44:16 GMT -4
There standing in the middle of a ranch some place out in America is a man wearing a baseball cap wearing a sweater and pants that are dirty. He smiles as if he knows he is dirty but does not care, for the fans of his TV show on the Discovery Channel seeing him clean is a sight non of them want to see as he addresses the camera.
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Mike Rowe: “My name is Mike Rowe, and this is my job: I explore the country looking for people who aren't afraid to get dirty—hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us. Now... get ready, to get dirty.”
The theme music hits as a generic version of Faith No More's ‘We Care A Lot’ starts to play as the fans of Dirty Jobs watch as scene slice through showing Mike Rowe doing some horrible jobs with him getting dirty as well as funny moments of this popular TV show.
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Now back to the first segment obvious now that this was filmed before the intro. Mike Rowe the host of ‘Dirty Jobs’ is standing in front of a farm out in the deserts of the United States. He is wearing the baseball cap, dark grey shirt and jeans that are all clean at the moment, which will of course change as this show goes on.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Hello today, we are on the Ricardo Ranch outside of Tuscan, Arizona besides being a ranch that has been passed down from generation to generation here on this property some of the top Mexican professional wrestlers train from their young age from father to son or sons in the secret family technique known as the ‘Drunken Tequila Worm’. Today, Starky, our field producer, has sent us here to help with the training of APW superstar, Ignacio Ricardo, known as Iggy the Iguana in preparation of his match against ‘The White Lion’ Michael Wiley. It is a pleasure to meet you, Ignacio.”
There standing now next to Mike Rowe, is a Mexican-American that is reaching forty but seems to be in very good shape, he is wearing a black shirt that looks like an iguana is partially being covered up by the well worn blue overalls he is wearing that drape over his worn work boots. The man has a friendly smile on his face with a thin black goatee under a flat nose that has been broken many times in his wrestling career.
[/color]Iggy: “No… No… no one calls me Ignacio but only my madre, call me Iggy everyone does.”
This is the APW Superstar, Ignacio Ricardo known as Iggy the Iguana, who had just won his first match in the APW against ‘Streets’ Wilson! Now Iggy faces a tough opponent in the last Overburn before the PPV known as Shockwave in Iggy’s rightful place in the main event. Iggy the Iguana faces against the ‘White Lion’ himself known as Michael Wiley the Overburn Champion with the longest record holding a belt in APW history. Too bad the belt is not on the line for on Monday Night Overburn, Iggy would be champion.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Alright Iggy, I understand that I am going to be helping you in your training for your upcoming match against Overburn Champion Michael Wiley, the White Lion of the APW, so are we going to learn any of your family’s trademark secrets?”
Mike Rowe asks wondering what he is going to be doing. This is the Ricardo Ranch where generations of this family train to become great wrestlers in the ring. This family has been training this art for generations their infamous ‘Drunken Tequila Worm’ technique, whatever the technique is seems to warp the mind no one understands if the Ricardo men are truly insane or joined some sort outer consciousness and awareness very few have come to understand.
[/color]Iggy: “No, Senior Mike, you will not, you will be helping Iggy with the preparations for facing against the current Overdrive Champion in Iggy’s non-title match because Michael Wiley is afraid of the Iguana so he hides under non-title to keep his championship streak going.”
Iggy smiles showing his white teeth to Mike Rowe, who is wondering what is going to be happening here, he is near a section of the ranch that looks like a herd of cattle had recently left, he can smell it too the little presents they leave behind, the kind of smell that sticks with a man that has dealt with unpleasant smells his whole life and career. Something in Iggy’s eyes or is it what is in his hands has Mike Rowe worry.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “I see, well Iggy I see two things in your hands one is a pair of shovels and the other are two bottles of tequila?! So what are we going to be doing then that requires two shovels and two bottles of tequila.”
The skeptical host of ‘Dirty Jobs’ follows, Iggy takes the shovel next to him that is sticking in the ground as he motions Mike Rowe to follow him. The smile on Iggy’s face does not change or disappear as they head towards the many ripe patties left by the cattle that were, Mike carefully walks past the smelly remains following the happy Iggy who is whistling as they go through the patches.
[/color]Iggy: “Let Iggy show you, Senior Mike.”
So Mike Rowe follows Iggy the Iguana where they arrive a place in the middle that has a pole standing nearly seven feet. On the pole around what should be about six foot mark is a painted line in lime green. Iggy stops whistling smiling handing Mike Rowe one of the shovels in his hands and a tequila bottle.
[/color]Iggy: “Now here Senior Mike hold this shovel and here is your tequila. As you can see there are many, many fresh cow pies that are here on the ground. Now what we need to do is use our shovels and put them over here next to this pole up to this line.”
Iggy taps the line with his gloved hand so Mike Rowe can see what they will be doing. Mike Rowe is getting the idea of the job, this is going to long, hot and messy just perfect for the show instead os being some wrestling dummy for Iggy to pulverize they are going to be shoveling cow manure into a pile that looks six feet tall!
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Wow that is a lot of fresh steaming cow manure we will be stacking up how high is that? It likes it is probably about what six feet?”
Shaking his hand to Mike Rowe shaking his head, the Master of the Drunken Tequila Worm, Iggy the Iguana then brightly with his face smiling once again he corrects Mike Rowe.
[/color]Iggy: “No, six foot and one inch, Senior Mike. It is time to get to work. .”
Mike Rowe’s eyes get wide realizing that they are going to work that Iggy is wanting to actually pile these steaming fresh smelly bits of cow manure with the shovels under this hot Arizona sun to that exact height for some mysterious reason that Iggy has not told him yet.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Alright Iggy, I can see what we are doing with the shovels no idea why we are stacking fresh cow manure that high, but what is the tequila for?”
Looking at Mike Rowe, Iggy smiles taking a sip of his already open bottle of tequila taking a good gulp of it before he goes to work on the cow manure, his companion is shocked to see a man drink tequila like that as if it were nothing.
[/color]Iggy: “Energy drinks as we get thirsty the tequila will be keeping us going. Now open your bottle and takes a sip like this before we begin.”
Shrugging Mike Rowe thinks, ‘When in Rome do as the Romans do.’ He takes a chug of the tequila feeling to come down his throat burning it, giving him one hell of a kick that he never experienced from anything. This is like tequila but stronger! And Iggy is drinking this like water!
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Dear… God this is potent stuff! And is that a worm at the bottom of this?”
A big grin returns to Iggy who nods his head taking another sip after he and Mike Rowe clink their tequila bottles together in one piece of harmony. Mike Rowe is careful not to drink so hard, but Iggy on the other hand drinks it up like water for this is his energy drink.
[/color]Iggy: “Si, family recipe, Iggy only drinks the best tequila made here on the family ranch.”
Obvious now that we are in a cut scene where the two men have been working on this for awhile the mound is getting slowly larger to the lime hash mark of the pole, Iggy and Mike Rowe have been working at this for awhile, Mike Rowe is still sometimes sipping his one tequila bottle as Iggy has gone through three in the same amount of time and Iggy is doing a better job to boot!
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Now Iggy as we are doing this, I have to ask you… are you not worried that in your second match after you beat Streets Wilson and his cheap blows to you that you are now facing off against the Overdrive Champion in Michael Wiley in a non-title Main Event Match at Overdrive, maybe a little pretentious?”
The challenger at the main event chuckles as he looks at Mike Rowe as he says that. Iggy smirks continues to work under the strong heat of under the Arizona sun, the cow pies as they are open reek horribly but both men seem to try to ignore this to get the job done. To Iggy this is nothing for the smell reminds Iggy just what Michael Wiley is truly full of like the mound that is being stacked of the horrible stinking cow pies.
[/color]Iggy: “Senior Mike, Iggy is not afraid of any man. That is all that Michael Wiley is but a man no matter calling himself the Second Coming of Hesus. An arrogant foul-mouth man when he speaks he is full of <Discovery Channel Bleep> all the time! True, he is a champion but he thinks Iggy is an easy match for him to have before he walks into Shockwave to defend his championship. Iggy signed the match so when Iggy beats Senior Wiley, he will be going in beaten into Shockwave, beaten by a second week talent in the APW to make him easy prey for his opponent or opponents at Shockwave. Senior Wiley attempted to insult Iggy’s little friend but instead showed Iggy that he is worried Iggy in the ring. For it is only natural since he calls himself the White Lion and Iggy is the Iguana, the White Lion’s natural predator.”
To Mike Rowe a fan of the Animal Planet Channel, when not doing his grueling psychotic schedule looks at Iggy in bewilderment. How the hell can that be? Iggy, can not be serious?
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Wait… hold it are you telling me iguanas hunt down and kill white lions?”
Iggy stops from taking a sip of his tequila as he nods his head to the surprised Mike Rowe.
[/color]Iggy: “Si.”
The most perplexed look on Mike Rowe’s face is seen, there is no way in Mike Rowe’s mind or any sane person that a little iguana would easily hunt and destroy the much larger white tiger, but looking at Iggy now Mike Rowe doubts Iggy’s very sanity.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “That makes no sense iguanas are native to Central and South America, but the white lions are a genetic mutation of the Kruger subspecies of lion which is nearly extinct that are found in South Africa, zoos across the world and in Siegfried’s and Roy’s home in Las Vegas. How can iguanas be white lion’s natural and most dangerous predator? They are not even on the same continent!”
Iggy looks at Mike Rowe as if he was the lunatic and not Iggy! So Iggy smiles showing that bright cocky smile as he starts to explain and educate Mike Rowe something that Iggy feels Mike Rowe should already know.
[/color]Iggy: “Senior Mike, that is what the iguana wants you to think, because iguana’s are very cunning and very dangerous, the white lion may look that way but like Senior Wiley it is all show, it is all fluff that his opponents have bought into, but the iguana we are the reason that the white lion is an endangered species in the world. The iguana makes you think that the iguana is only in South and Central America where it travels when you least expect it to hunt our favorite prey the white lion. The white lion may look like a fearsome beast but in the end the iguana always wins. That is why Senior Mike, Iggy will win, because Senior Wiley’s bravado does not make the Iguana afraid, Iggy sees through all of what Senior Wiley has said. He knows is tenure as Overdrive Champion is coming to an end, the Iguana has arrived. Why else did Senior Hurricane Jeff have Iggy in only his second match in APW to not only face Senior Wiley in a non title match, but the Main Event at Overdrive? Senior Wiley cannot tell us why, because even Senior Hurricane Jeff sees the upset that Iggy will win on Monday Night Overdrive, because that is what Iggy does... win.”
Mike Rowe: “That is kind of arrogant, Iggy we are talking about a man that has held the Overdrive Championship longer than anyone in the APW’s history.”
Iggy: “No, Senior Mike it is not. Why else is this a non-title match? All the champion has to do, which happens to be Senior Wiley is to tell Senior Hurricane Jeff that he will put his title on the line against Iggy this Monday Night Overdrive, but he has not. Iggy waits still no announcement of championship, because Senior Wiley knows he will lose Senior Mike, he knows the Iguana is dangerous to him because he has no counter to Iggy for he like so many others cannot defeat the Ricardo’s wrestling style the ‘Drunken Tequila Worm’! None of Senior Wiley’s matches have been a threat until now the Iguana has arrived and Senior Wiley cradles his championship close to him as a young teenager that never grew up still clutching on his teddy bear, his security blanket fighting his parents for trying to remove such a childish thing.”
Mike Rowe looks at Iggy as he works more on the pile of cow pie manure that is now steaming with flies nearing the half way point to the lime green paint hash mark on the pole. Iggy continues to work as Mike Rowe starts to again trying to look good for the cameras does not want Starky to complain he is too lazy.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Those are some harsh words, Iggy, man it is hot out here and the cow manure is really reeking! We have been at this for a few hours and now it looks like our pile is at that mark you wanted to get done, but damn the more we work the more this smells. I just don’t get how this is helping you train to face off against Michael Wiley.”
Wiping his brow from sweat, Mike Rowe looks over at Iggy who is working like a mad man drinking tequila between his shoveling keeping his bottle clean remarkably as if he Iggy has spent years perfecting some sort of technique. Mike Rowe cannot seem to understand what Iggy is doing as Iggy downs the last of his tequila to the worm.
[/color]Iggy: “The Iguana will explain in good time, Senior Mike, make sure you enjoy some more of the tequila. It helps one become stronger and much more dangerous. As we are working under the hot Arizona sun this will get us ready for the next step to fight Senior Wiley so Iggy can give a nice fat black eye to Senior Wiley’s record before Shockwave, a little present from the Iguana and his little friend.”
Iggy taps the fresh bottle from the nearby crate, showing off another dead tequila worm at the bottom of the bottle. Here Iggy takes off the top taking a sip starting back to work. Ironically Mike Rowe is having some of his own tequila as well realizing the effect he is suffering under the Arizona sun.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Strangely this is helping and making more drunk, you would think that you have been guzzling down something like horchata, but this damn, I have never had better tequila in my life even going south of the border to Sammy Hager’s Tequila festival! Your family should sell this!”
Mike Rowe holds his bottle of tequila outstretched with a big smile looking at t he drink, he cannot believe how good this is. Iggy just shakes his hands and head to Mike Rowe as he sips his own tequila looking at their joint handy work.
[/color]Iggy: “Iggy never touches the stuff.”
The look of shock is on Mike Rowe’s face, he cannot believe that Iggy has never had horchata in his life! In amazement he exclaims.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “ Horchata? You have to be kidding me? You are a third generation Mexican American and you never had horchata?”
Iggy: “No, Iggy never did as a child, Papi Ricardo would never hear of it. To be a man Iggy one much be able to handle their tequila and to eat the worm! For that is the key, when you are strong enough to drink all your tequila then have the worm you are ready to know the secrets of the ‘Drunken Tequila Worm’. So Iggy worked very, very hard learned to hold his tequila and then learned the family secret ‘Drunken Tequila Worm’ wrestling technique then Iggy has become champions before and will again. Iggy will show Senior Wiley that it is not the belt that makes the champion, but the man behind it, but Senior Wiley is no man, he is no macho man, he is just a boy in a man’s body, he did not have a good papi like Iggy did to teach him to be a man and act like one as Iggy’s papi has. Why else would he be eating gummy worms and drinking drinks of children and not be a real man drinking tequila and having the worm at the end like you and Iggy will when we finish our tequila, Senior Mike.”
That never accord to Mike Rowe, the dressing up as someone else that Michael Wiley is known for, that possibly the Overdrive Champion is nothing more than a boy? Trying to dress up as other men because he feels he is not a man? Is he talking truly about Michael Wiley?
[/color]Mike Rowe: “You are referring to Michael Wiley dressing up like you and mocking you right?”
The thought of Michael Riley was trying to mock him does not seem to even have accord to Iggy instead he shakes his head to Mike Rowe for all Iggy sees is a young man with no father figure, no strong papi like Iggy had when growing up, who showed him how to be a man and swoon women. Now Michael Wiley may be physically a man, but mentally and emotionally not even Iggy can see that.
[/color]Iggy: “No, Senior Mike, Senior Wiley was not trying to mock Iggy, no. Senior Wiley was trying to be Iggy! Have you not listened to me?! Iggy said that young Senior Wiley had no good papi to be a good role model for him to learn to be a macho man! Senior Wiley wants to grow up and has no idea how! That is why he did what he was doing. Senior Wiley was idolizing Iggy, a man’s man, a true macho man that Senior Wiley wants to be but he is not! That was why he drank the horchata and ate gummy worms he is not man enough to handle his tequila! Just like he is not man enough to handle Iggy in the ring! Just ask my little friend here! Senior Wiley knows that he holds the Overburn championship, but he is no man and instead of growing up, what does Senior Wiley do? Dress up as his idol, the Iguana like a child, a little boy, but poor, poor Senior Wiley still could not be a macho man like Iggy even as he tried and that makes Iggy sad for there has been no one to show Senior Wiley how to be a man.”
With that Iggy sighs going back to shoveling the piles of cow pie manure as Mike Rowe looks at Iggy with a strange thought of amazement. Iggy does not fear Michael Wiley in the ring, Iggy feels sorry for the sorry human being that Michael Wiley has become!
[/color]Mike Rowe: “You actually feel sorry for Michael Wiley?”
Iggy wipes his brow nods to that grabbing his tequila bottle taking a drink seeing Mike Rowe working on the last of the pile of cow pie manure that is steaming near the wooden pole. As Mike Rowe starts to get more cow pie manure so does Iggy as they talk, a revelation comes to Iggy.
[/color]Iggy: “Si and that is why after our match when Iggy beats Senior Wiley, Iggy will take young Senior Wiley under his wing show him the town, show him how to handle his tequila and most importantly how to be a man and of course it obvious that Iggy must explain to Senior Wiley that Iggy is only into the senioritas, practicing alternative lifestyles is for people like Seniorita…er… Senior Dr. Phate. Hopefully Iggy can save young Senior Wiley so he does not start wearing a wedding dress to his matches like Seniorit...SENIOR Dr. Phate does!”
With that a disturbing thought hits Mike Rowe with shock, Michael Wiley dressed in a wedding dress in some sort of twisted ceremony with Dr. Phate in his school girl outfit. Mike Rowe quickly downs more of his tequila trying to get that horrible thought out of his head.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Wow… Iggy, I think we are done. Whew… I need more of that tequila! You know Iggy that is one large pile of six foot one inch hot and smelly mound of cow poo you have there. Just why did we do this anyway?”
Iggy: “Si, Senior Mike, Michael Wiley calls himself the hottest <Discovery Channel Bleep!> This is a nickname other wrestlers have said about him that he has taken to heart as his what is the word... You know when you are meditating the thing you say to yourself all the time.”
Both men are looking and staring at the largest pile of cow pie manure either man has ever seen. Both Iggy and Mike Rowe seem happy at what they have accomplished. Here under the hot blistering sun drinking lots and lots of tequila, it is accomplished.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Mantra?”
Nodding up and down with a very, very happy smile on his face, Iggy grins that that is it! The word mantra, the theme of Michael Wiley’s life! Iggy is excited as Mike Rowe watches the man with boundless energy full of tequila power.
[/color]Iggy: “Si! Si! Mantra! But Senior Wiley was so immature that he did not understand that he smells like steaming hot <Discovery Channel Bleep!>. The locker room was telling him that he smells but poor immature Senior Wiley thought that would be his mantra, that he smells. Si, Iggy was backstage, the stories of Senior Wiley’s putrid smell pale in comparison to the real thing. Senior Wiley, really, really needs to shower for once and see a doctor about that smell. That smell is not a healthy one believe Iggy.”
Mike Rowe: “Alright so what is with piling all this steaming cow poo up in this pile?”
The eyebrows go up with a big shit happy grin on his face, Iggy points ot the pole then goes to the crate with the tequila taking out a brown folder with the APW insignia on it then he takes a picture out sticking it to the crap with the picture of his opponent Michael Wiley’s headshot the one where he has that strange where the hell am I look? In other words a normal picture of Michael Wiley.
[/color]Iggy: “This is the same height as Michael Wiley at his 6’ 1” height, Senior Mike. Sadly as Iggy looks at this and smells the horrible smells of this pile of cow poo as you call it. Iggy realizes the ranking smell here is nothing to the actual thing that is known as Senior Wiley, who is also full of the poo you talk about. So Iggy will not be able to figure out how much tequila it will take to not fall unconscious in the ring from all of the Hottest <Discovery Channel Bleep!> Going… sad, but Iggy will come close!”
With that Iggy takes a huge gulp of his tequila stepping closer to the steaming hot pile of cow pie manure shaking his head because the stench is getting to him so he chugs more then trying to get closer but the smell is overpowering even to Mike Rowe, who wishes nothing more to get out of there. This is most definitely one of the strangest and smelliest things he has ever done on the show.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “So you are going to get closer to the pile of cow poo drinking tequila until you figure out how the smell will no longer effect you, Iggy?”
Looking at Mike Rowe, Iggy shakes his head taking out some gasoline and a match book shaking his head at Mike. Then he starts to pour the gasoline on the pile of cow pie manure with Mike Rowe looking in complete amazement!
[/color]Iggy: “No, that is silly… Iggy is going to set it on fire then start drinking tequila until the smell no longer effects Iggy! Then Iggy will easily defeat Senior Wiley and teach him how to be a man so he no longer plays dress up like a little seniorita like Seniorita.. er Senior Dr. Phate!”
Mike Rowe smiles stepping as far away from the flaming pile of cow pie manure effigy to Michael Wiley that is burning that is only making the smell even worse as Iggy starts to prepare himself to get through the potentness of Michael Wiley’s smell. Now it is just Miike Rowe, the host of ‘Dirty Jobs’, who now looks the way he did at the beginning of the program with himself looking dirty and smelly.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Well that is another successful Dirty Job that I am happy I will not have to do..”
Iggy comes over shaking his head leans on Mike Rowe with his arm in friendship holding the tequila bottle that Mike Rowe was working on during these last few hours shoveling what created that burning smelly inferno behind them.
[/color]Iggy: “No, Senior Mike, you must join Iggy in this as well.”
Mike Rowe: “Ahhh Iggy why is that?”
Iggy: “It will be your job to hose down and wash Senior Wiley for the first time in his life before and after Iggy’s match against him at Monday Night Overdrive. Make sure you get him behind the ears.”
With his huge grin, Iggy points to a bucket and sponge with the APW logo on them that have a note on them saying To Mike, For Use in Cleanning Michael Wiley, Signed APW Staff and Hurricane Jeff. Mike Rowe looks shocked mumbling for the camera in distain.
[/color]Mike Rowe: “Starky, I am going to get you for this.”
Iggy helps bring Mike Rowe to the flaming pile of cow pie maure effigy of Michael Wiley as the smell gets worse. Mike Rowe looks like he has entered his own personal execution, but Iggy seems very happy as he advices.
[/color]Iggy: “Don’t worry Senior Mike, have more tequila! Once you have the worm at the bottom all your worries will be over.”
