Trauma!

[estarr]

Camera is on to find Jake Ruby walking down the streets of ... some town. Let me check where the show is being held. Edmonton? Canada? Seriously? APW is resorting to putting on shows in third world countries now? This better be for charity, otherwise it's a sad state of affairs. Anyway, Ruby is there, doing his thing, walking around when he decides to cross the road. He looks right, then left, as a good, responsible citizen would, then goes to step off the curb. OH NO! He trips! He falls. The horror! The brutality! Ruby flies through the air, falling onto his side, then coming to a rest on the curb! My God! That must have been a fall of around 6 feet or so! First Kenny Lombardo falls from the freaking display sign, a freakish and absurd height, and now this!

EMTs come from no where (literally), and carefully roll Jake onto his back. He's out cold. What will this mean for the APW!? How can the company possibly go on with this high caliber wrestler. More EMTs rush to Jake - there has to be around 30 or 40 men in APW official's shirts or in clean whites crowding around. Then, down the end of the street, as a dot at first, then, as they run closer, come a pair of EMTs pushing a stretcher. Ignore that it says 'Property of the Edmonton hospital' (yeah they stole it, but that's only because the hospital wasn't selling it). They push that sucker all the way down the street, coming to a stop (with no breath) right beside Jake after the crowd parts like the Red Sea when Moses went for a swim.

Someone produces a neck brace and strap Jake in. The stretcher is lowered, and carefully Jake is helped onto it. Then, the stretcher bearers are off - running back down the street from where they came. Slowly Jake and his medics fade into a dot, and the remaining EMTs look at each other, perplexed. What do EMTs do when there's no wrestling emergency? They limbo! One of them produces a stick, and they all get in line. 40 EMTs lining down the sidewalk, all doing the limbo! A Jamaican band walks out from a nearby ally and strike up a tune. Everybody limbo!

The camera cuts to a hospital room, the curtain drawn around a bed. The cameraman makes his way towards the parting and looks in. There, strapped to all sorts of medical machines, is Jake Ruby, recovering from his horrible and ridiculously INSANE fall. How could someone survive a fall like that? I guess if Kenny Lombardo survived his fall, then Ruby might have a chance at making a recovery. Unless this whole wrestling thing is fake ...

EDIT: Wrestling God (JBL?): HERESY! Thou shalt not question the reality of wrestling.

... but I doubt that. A rhythmic beep from one of the machines can be heard, and Jake stirs. He sees the cameraman, and smiles. He uses the controls of the bed to sit up, then adjusts his pillows.

Jake: Hey there everybody. It's Jake Ruby here. I know that people would have had the unfortunate opportunity to witness my injury, my fall. It was traumatic to say the least. I don't know how well I'll be to wrestle at the pay per view to be honest with you. I know that everyone was looking forward to my final revenge on Michael Lively, but I just don't know. I think I'll have to make that call after my match against Ace something or other tonight. Chris Daniels? Austin ... Star? No, wait, I got it, Austin Daniels. Yes. See, my injuries are already playing games with my head. All I can think about, whether it be waking hour or sleeping moment, is that ..... that ..... that fall! Oh my God! The damn fall!

Jake thrashes about in his bed, dramatizing his whole experience to the n'th degree. Talk about over-the-top. He slowly subdues, then takes a moment to breath normally, when he can finally return to his promo.

Jake: Because I need to see if I'm up to scratch for my pay per view masterpiece, I'm going to have to front up for my match tonight against this Austin Daniels fellow. I heard he had a few things to say about me. The great Ace. A man who lost to Tony Blackwell and Sabur. How sad. How pathet ..... wait a minute. I lost to Tony Blackwell too. Hmmm. Ah! But I didn't lose to Sabur. But I probably would. But I haven't yet, so that just makes me all the more better than you. And if you don't get that, then you clearly have no understanding of how things work in the e-fedding world - the only world that counts for some of you us. If I've beat people you've lost to, and you've lost to people I've not been beaten by, and if the main eventers have even numbered names, and it's the 18th of the month, then I win. Simple as that. Get with the program son!

Jake reaches over to the table beside his bed and takes up his cup of water. He takes a long drink from it (as long as a plastic cup allows), then returns the cup to the table, and returns himself to his promo.

Jake: You want to use the term pro loosely? Fine, you do that. As loose as you need to to include the likes of yourself. You want to know what else is loose? Your mom! Ooooh! Did I just say that? I sure did. Snap! Shutdown! Burn! Owned. Pwned. Pwnt. Pure pwnage! You newbie noob choob! I'm so 31337 and you don't even know it buddy. I'm like a level 101 demon on Runescape and you're some floob wandering around the wilderness having come from Lumbridge. You have no idea what you're in for - what great skills I'm bringing to the ring to take you down to Chinatown.

You want to brag about how much you've done for the wrestling business? Whoop-dee-doo! *Jake waves his hands in the air, then slow claps* A round of applause for the hero Austin. What a great guy. I bet he did that all that he said for the business with absolutely no expectations of return or reward. You certainly wouldn't have expected a pay check, right? And you certainly wouldn't have expected a title shot or anything for your efforts, right?

The pure, unadulterated hypocrisy of wrestlers these days is appalling. You all make me sick. You all parade around how you've all sacrificed for the business, how you've bled and cried, and sweated, and whatever other crap you can think of. It's pathetic, and worst of all, it's hypocritical! You try and lord this over other people who might be a little less experienced than you. Well, guess what? No one cares, because we all know that you were being selfish, pathetic, self-interested, self-motivated, dollar driven hobos! You might bleed for the business, but you expect money, audiences, and rewards for doing it.

Time for a reality check - and everyone else can go and see this bum Daniels for it now. You all disgust me the way you lie to the people watching you. Unless you're wrestling for free, working a 9 to 5 job on the side, and expecting nothing, and taking nothing, that you're offered, then you are a black mark on this business when you try and promote yourself as being about the business. And by taking nothing I mean taking no title shots, taking no main events, taking no money from anything, not even taking compliments. Daniels, you're exactly like this. You want title shots, you want money, you want recognition, and you want all the glory that you can get. And yet, on the other hand, you try and cast yourself as this great guy who sacrifices for the business at your own expense. Don't lie to me you hack! You "sacrifice", if you can even call it that, just to get yourself ahead. You sicken me.

I'm so sick that I'm angry. And when I'm angry, well, I do angry things. Like go to matches I'm scheduled for looking to win. I always want to win, but sometimes I will go a little bit further. Tonight, I'm prepared to do it. Maybe I'll lose in doing it, but I think to teach you a lesson, I'm prepared. You speak to me like I've been in this business for a click and an handshake - I might have been in this company for a whole of 5 minutes, but I've paid dues. I've been on forums, I've been writing, I've been to shows, I've been to conventions for 15 years and more! And I don't high-note what I've done for the business, because that's not how I want people judging me. I want people to watch my matches and think "Damn he's good". I want respect, I don't expect it or demand it just because I go out and do stuff that's going to rake in the dollars for my own front pocket.

You say I offend you. You offend me with your pretentious attitude, you're superfluous proliferation of your haughty depreciation of this sport. Understand that? Of course not - just like how people don't understand why you would attack an American patriot and hero like me.

Oh yes, I am a hero. How? Because I come from a long line of farmers. Don't you, for even a second, knock farming. Farming does more for my great country than you could ever do. What social worth are you? Then ask what social worth a farmer is? The fact that I'm from a farm makes me 100 times more American than you. Farms are statistically proven to be more American than you because we vote Republican, you liberal scum! How do I know you're a liberal? Because you attacked a true red, white, and blue American like me. All you liberals do it, attack true American heroes - the likes of George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Elliot Spitzer, and Bob Barker. Yes, you liberals chased Bob off the Price is Right to get one of your Hollywood cronies, Drew Carey, into his place. For shame!

Well, Daniels, you won't have the same results with me. I'm here to stay. I'm here to make a name for myself. I'm not here to lie like you; I'm going to be a hypocrite like you. I'm stating my goals as they come, and not doing anything underhanded to get there. Jake Ruby is the man you have to face, and by gum, Jake Ruby is the man that will beat you tonight. I'm headed for the pay per view, I'm headed for my title shot, and I'm headed for gold.

With that, Jake Ruby climbs out of his bed. IT'S A MIRACLE! Jake is healed! By whatever mystical powers, Jake can make his return after a less-than-realistic recovery time! Who would imagine!? And in a wrestling e-federation of all places! Someone must be smiling down on him.