Post by Phate on Jul 13, 2008 13:12:29 GMT -4
It is nine o’ clock in the evening on Monday, July 14, 2008, which can only mean one thing: Action Packed Wrestling’s Overdrive television program is airing live on your local cable television provider’s USA Network! Or is it Fox Sports Net? Well don’t just sit there, you fan boy – grab the remote control and search for it! It’s on right damn now! Sheesh….did you find it? What channel was it on? REALLY? What the hell are we doin’ on Oxygen?!? I am SO having a conversation with management about this! Wrestling and Ellen DeGeneres do NOT go together, man!
Aw hell - where were we? Oh - - it’s nine P.M. on Monday evening, meaning that it is time for APW Overdrive! As our scene opens to full view we are awarded with the visually familiar red and blue arching insignia of the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado, home of the National Basketball Association’s Denver Nuggets, the 2008 Democratic National Convention….and, on this mild Monday night, home of arguably the greatest sports entertainment company in North America, Action Packed Wrestling. Our gaze finds us in a hallway, the walls emblazoned with memorabilia and photography of various Denver Nuggets legends and superstars. Classic round ball meets modern flashiness as the pictures and items of players ranging from NBA Hall of Famer Alex English to current superstar Carmello Anthony mingle and grace one another’s presence on the red, white, and blue trimmed walls. As our eyes travel down the corridor we see an azure arrow with the words “Dressing Room” above it in similarly colored text pointing us further down the path. We travel onward, past backstage personnel, staff restrooms, and various other pit stops before we arrive at the doorstep of the Men’s Locker Room. We extend our right hand, slowly turning the brass doorknob clockwise and pushing the door open lacking the courtesy of knocking before entering. Once inside, our pupils adjust to the fluorescent beams emanating from the ceiling fixtures, our eyes absorbing the oak-carved lockers and benches affixed to the walls and tiled floor. Stark white walls adorned with the navy and gold of the Denver Nuggets logo refract the light, illuminating the area even more. We allow our eyes to admire the colors, the structure of the room, the visual acuities of the carved wood affixed to iron supports, until our stare falls upon the figure of one Doctor Phate getting prepared for his contest against Twister tonight in this very building. Perched upon an oak dressing bench “The Icon” extends his thick left leg, taking a moment to seductively pull a white knee-high athletic sock past his toes and meaty calf. The top of said sock worships right at the altar of his bulky knee brace without passing it by in any way. Smiling in a relaxed manner Phate starts his leg’s descent, its toes pointed forward as its foot slides nicely into a white and black Converse All-Star Chuck Taylor basketball sneaker. Bending forward in an unsettling yet alluring manner Doctor Phate grabs the laces of the aforementioned shoe in hands, gripping firmly and pulling either direction to tighten before neatly tying a close-knit bow. Taking a moment to admire his handiwork for a second, Phate snaps out of his reverie and stands upright. Sashaying to the nearest locker room mirror Phate makes a mental inventory to see if he’s missing anything vital to his visual delivery. The silken red necktie tied in a Windsor knot, the ebony-hued schoolgirl uniform skirt, the puffed exterior of the knee supporters…all are in place. The most noticeable new difference is the black dress shirt draped upon his broad shoulders, a little wardrobe tweak carried over from the Test for the Best pay-per-view that completely summed up his feelings as of late. Content with his appearance, Phate pivots on left heel and turns to retrieve his black horn-rimmed eyeglasses from his athletic bag - - and damn near runs right over Action Packed Wrestling backstage interviewer Phil! His non-athletic upper body engulfed in the cottony goodness of an APW America’s Best T-Shirt (available now on APWSuperShop.com) Phil grins sheepishly with cameraman in tow! Wielding a microphone in his right hand it is obvious what Phil is in the Men’s Locker Room for – and let’s just say it’s not to see who will drop the soap first! Phate, having almost decked the intrepid APW interviewer, realizes who the intruder is quick enough to check his right hook and slowly regain his composure! Inhaling and exhaling to steady his racing heartbeat Doctor Phate peers at Phil with semi-angry eyes as Phil pluckily waits to ask his first question.
Phate (holding his chest; annoyed tone; addressing Phil): What th’ hell, man?!? Did APW Management send you here t’give me a heart attack or somethin’?
Phil (addressing Phate; realizing creeping up on Phate was not the best thing to do): NO! I didn’t mean to barge in like this I - -
Phate (annoyed tone; addressing Phil): You didn’t barge in – you snuck in like some locker room freak or somethin’! Were you tryin’ to steal some of my panties? Huh?
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate; quizzical tone): What? I - -
Phate (annoyed tone; addressing Phil): This ain’t prison, man – we keep our soap on ropes around here! And besides I am not a bottom – I’m a top all th’ way, bucko, and don’t you forget it!
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate; quizzical tone): …..Huh? Wha - -?
Phate (sighing; addressing Phil; more relaxed tone of voice): Never mind! What can I do ya for, Philly baby?
Phil (addressing Phate; jovial tone): Well, I came here to get your thoughts on everything that’s been going on around here, especially President Jeff’s shocking revelation from last week!
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil; smiling eerily): That was an episode of APW Overdrive? I thought it was Maury! (Imitating Maury Povich’s voice) In the case of three year old Kenny…Kenny….you ARE the FATHER! (Reverting back to his regular voice; amused tone; addressing Phil) How in th’ HELL is Kenny Lambardo th’ father? How in th’ HELL has Diana Skank-Bardo kept it a secret for so long? How in th’ HELL does my ass look so boss in this skirt? (Grabbing Phil by the collar of his shirt; manic tone of voice) I need answers, man!!
Phil (creeped out; stammering; addressing Phate): I – I dunno! I DUNNO!
Phate (letting Phil go; smiling cheekily; addressing Phil): Just joshin’ ya, Philly baby! Don’t get MY panties in a bunch! (Winking; addressing Phil; amused tone) Now, to sum things up, this place is a damn nuthouse run by nuts – and last week hammered that idea home! You’ve got enemies teamin’ up out of their dislike for OTHER people, a midget named after somethin’ in your pants hangin’ out with one of the aforementioned enemies, and a company President wrapped up in a paternity scandal wit’ the World Heavyweight Champion! Is this wrestling or Washington? Sabur an’ Lil’ Dick do remind me a lot of Dubya and Cheney…but I digress! Fact o’ the matter is that I could care less what they do! I’m goin’ to Shockwave to fight for the World Heavyweight Title and NO ONE can stand in th’ way of that, cutie pie!
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone of voice): Uhm, I think the General Manager of Overdrive might say otherwise.
Phate (peering at Phil; annoyed tone of voice; quizzical tone): …What did you say?
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone of voice): I think the General Manager of Overdrive might say otherwise….?
Phate (addressing Phil; annoyed tone): You mean that washed-up sucka that calls his self runnin’ things around here? The one wit’ the 80’s mustache?
Phil (confirming Phate’s statements): Uh, yep?
Phate (smiling; relaxed tone; addressing Phil): Meh. Whatever.
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate): Whatever?
Phate (smiling; amused tone; addressing Phil): Whatever.
Phil (taken aback; addressing Phate; perplexed tone): Oh-kay….
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone): You seem at a loss for words, Phillsey-willsey.
Phil (addressing Phate; perplexed tone): I didn’t expect you to be so…uh…what’s the word?
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone): Sane? Sexy? Cute? Foxy? Non-animated?
Phil (addressing Phate; quick response): That one! That one!
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone; right hand on Phil’s left shoulder): Ah, my cute lil’ Philley. How trained you are when it comes to th’ insanity of APW. You’re conditioned to expect everyone around here t’respond to you like someone from Kellogg Sanitarium who hasn’t gotten their daily meds! Granted I haven’t taken my meds today but that’s neither here nor there, baby! I’ve already acted like a nutcase for you and, well, I think I did a good enough job that you have more than earned your weekly paycheck tonight! Now, as far as Matt Iron is concerned….
Phil (interrupting Phate; timid tone): Matt Metal.
Phate (stops and stares at Phil harshly before regaining composure; amused tone; addressing Phil): ….As far as Matt Aluminum is concerned, there’s no reason for me to address that situation because, well, he has nothin’ to do with my….activities of the evening. So what if he came out during my celebration last week an’ tried t’make himself feel important again at my expense? So what if he’s a CWF and WWC Legend? What has he done fer me lately? Nothing! And that’s why he ain’t worth gettin’ into a huff about tonight. No matter what he does he can’t take my guaranteed World Heavyweight Title shot away so he really doesn’t matter. I don’t fight Matt Metal until June 27th….and I will address breakin’ my foot off in his ass around June 27th! Got it?
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone): Yep.
Phate (jovial tone; addressing Phil; patting Phil on the head): GOOD! (Turning slightly to walk away; addressing Phil) Now, if you’ll excuse me….
Phil (light bulb going off in his head; quickly addressing Phate): Wait! What about your opponent tonight? What about Twister?
Phate (quizzical tone; addressing Phil): Twister? We’re gonna play Twister? (Winking; low, kinky voice; addressing Phil) Naked Twister?
Phil (addressing Phate; frazzled tone): Not that kind of Twister! You know – Twister!
Phate (understanding facial expression; quizzical tone; addressing Phil): OH – Twister! I gotcha! What did you wanna know about Tropicana Twister? My fav’rite flavor? I just ADORE th’ Watermelon Strawberry Swirl!
Phil (frustrated; addressing Phate): Not that kind of Twister either! The wrestler they call - -
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil): Just joshin’ ya, man! Geez! Yer easy like Sunday morning, you know that?
Phil (exasperated; addressing Phate): My head hurts….
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil; grinning from ear to ear): It’s OK, baby – I’m sure the trainers have some Ibuprofen for ya! Now, as far as Twister is concerned, I’m sure he’ll bring it. I’m sure he’ll take his vitamins an’ say his prayers an’ iron his little jean shorts an’ wear a Denver Nuggets or Denver Broncos jersey to appeal to th’ fans and…and…and get his ass KICKED! (Addressing camera and Twister; jovial tone slowly fading into angry tone) Twister! You’ve been doin’ pretty good for yerself since you crashed the Lambardo wedding an’ put yourself back on th’ map! You can shred cheese on yer razor-sharp abs. You are arguably better than you’ve ev’r been in th’ ring. Hell, ya even got a pinfall victory over the APW Champ! But guess what, Twister? I AIN’T KENNY LAMBARDO! And, unlike Diana Lambardo, I don’t go down on th’ first date! You’ve got a date tonight with th’ only man in Action Packed Wrestling with an unstoppable juggernaut of momentum pushin’ him forward to his destiny - - and there ain’t enough X-Men in yer arsenal to stop my rampage! I feel sorry for you that Management placed you in my path because, well, I don’t harbor any ill will toward you. But you must understand that my eye is on th’ prize. My eye is on the APW World Heavyweight Championship – and yer muscle-headed ass is standing in front of it like one o’ those kids that stands in front of the TV while their dad is tryin’ t’watch the game! Do you know what happens to those kids, Twister? Their daddies whip their ass! So you see, Twister, I HAVE to whip yer ass tonight! It’s nature vs. nurture - - and who am I to stand in th’ way of that? My nature is to defeat any man who steps in th’ ring with me! Th’ nurture part comes in when th’ trainers are stitching yer head shut! It’s OK, though - - we can use yer Denver Nuggets or Denver Broncos jersey to sop up yer blood on th’ way there! Ain’t like jerseys from either of those teams are worth anything anyway! Tonight, Twister, your tornado will NOT touch down in Denver – but yer body will touch down on the canvas back first an’ the ref’s hand will touch down for the three-count! And after th’ fans politely clap for your efforts you and th’ fans will KNOW that you are just another wrestler! And while Legends die and Wrestlers come and go ICONS LIVE FOREVER! Prepare to count th’ lights! (winking at Phil; seductive tone of voice; blowing Phil a kiss) Toodles!
Our scene fades to darkness with “The Icon” Doctor Phate walking off camera, leaving APW interviewer Phil with a mixture of confusion and elation on his face as he watches Phate saunter off.
Aw hell - where were we? Oh - - it’s nine P.M. on Monday evening, meaning that it is time for APW Overdrive! As our scene opens to full view we are awarded with the visually familiar red and blue arching insignia of the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado, home of the National Basketball Association’s Denver Nuggets, the 2008 Democratic National Convention….and, on this mild Monday night, home of arguably the greatest sports entertainment company in North America, Action Packed Wrestling. Our gaze finds us in a hallway, the walls emblazoned with memorabilia and photography of various Denver Nuggets legends and superstars. Classic round ball meets modern flashiness as the pictures and items of players ranging from NBA Hall of Famer Alex English to current superstar Carmello Anthony mingle and grace one another’s presence on the red, white, and blue trimmed walls. As our eyes travel down the corridor we see an azure arrow with the words “Dressing Room” above it in similarly colored text pointing us further down the path. We travel onward, past backstage personnel, staff restrooms, and various other pit stops before we arrive at the doorstep of the Men’s Locker Room. We extend our right hand, slowly turning the brass doorknob clockwise and pushing the door open lacking the courtesy of knocking before entering. Once inside, our pupils adjust to the fluorescent beams emanating from the ceiling fixtures, our eyes absorbing the oak-carved lockers and benches affixed to the walls and tiled floor. Stark white walls adorned with the navy and gold of the Denver Nuggets logo refract the light, illuminating the area even more. We allow our eyes to admire the colors, the structure of the room, the visual acuities of the carved wood affixed to iron supports, until our stare falls upon the figure of one Doctor Phate getting prepared for his contest against Twister tonight in this very building. Perched upon an oak dressing bench “The Icon” extends his thick left leg, taking a moment to seductively pull a white knee-high athletic sock past his toes and meaty calf. The top of said sock worships right at the altar of his bulky knee brace without passing it by in any way. Smiling in a relaxed manner Phate starts his leg’s descent, its toes pointed forward as its foot slides nicely into a white and black Converse All-Star Chuck Taylor basketball sneaker. Bending forward in an unsettling yet alluring manner Doctor Phate grabs the laces of the aforementioned shoe in hands, gripping firmly and pulling either direction to tighten before neatly tying a close-knit bow. Taking a moment to admire his handiwork for a second, Phate snaps out of his reverie and stands upright. Sashaying to the nearest locker room mirror Phate makes a mental inventory to see if he’s missing anything vital to his visual delivery. The silken red necktie tied in a Windsor knot, the ebony-hued schoolgirl uniform skirt, the puffed exterior of the knee supporters…all are in place. The most noticeable new difference is the black dress shirt draped upon his broad shoulders, a little wardrobe tweak carried over from the Test for the Best pay-per-view that completely summed up his feelings as of late. Content with his appearance, Phate pivots on left heel and turns to retrieve his black horn-rimmed eyeglasses from his athletic bag - - and damn near runs right over Action Packed Wrestling backstage interviewer Phil! His non-athletic upper body engulfed in the cottony goodness of an APW America’s Best T-Shirt (available now on APWSuperShop.com) Phil grins sheepishly with cameraman in tow! Wielding a microphone in his right hand it is obvious what Phil is in the Men’s Locker Room for – and let’s just say it’s not to see who will drop the soap first! Phate, having almost decked the intrepid APW interviewer, realizes who the intruder is quick enough to check his right hook and slowly regain his composure! Inhaling and exhaling to steady his racing heartbeat Doctor Phate peers at Phil with semi-angry eyes as Phil pluckily waits to ask his first question.
Phate (holding his chest; annoyed tone; addressing Phil): What th’ hell, man?!? Did APW Management send you here t’give me a heart attack or somethin’?
Phil (addressing Phate; realizing creeping up on Phate was not the best thing to do): NO! I didn’t mean to barge in like this I - -
Phate (annoyed tone; addressing Phil): You didn’t barge in – you snuck in like some locker room freak or somethin’! Were you tryin’ to steal some of my panties? Huh?
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate; quizzical tone): What? I - -
Phate (annoyed tone; addressing Phil): This ain’t prison, man – we keep our soap on ropes around here! And besides I am not a bottom – I’m a top all th’ way, bucko, and don’t you forget it!
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate; quizzical tone): …..Huh? Wha - -?
Phate (sighing; addressing Phil; more relaxed tone of voice): Never mind! What can I do ya for, Philly baby?
Phil (addressing Phate; jovial tone): Well, I came here to get your thoughts on everything that’s been going on around here, especially President Jeff’s shocking revelation from last week!
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil; smiling eerily): That was an episode of APW Overdrive? I thought it was Maury! (Imitating Maury Povich’s voice) In the case of three year old Kenny…Kenny….you ARE the FATHER! (Reverting back to his regular voice; amused tone; addressing Phil) How in th’ HELL is Kenny Lambardo th’ father? How in th’ HELL has Diana Skank-Bardo kept it a secret for so long? How in th’ HELL does my ass look so boss in this skirt? (Grabbing Phil by the collar of his shirt; manic tone of voice) I need answers, man!!
Phil (creeped out; stammering; addressing Phate): I – I dunno! I DUNNO!
Phate (letting Phil go; smiling cheekily; addressing Phil): Just joshin’ ya, Philly baby! Don’t get MY panties in a bunch! (Winking; addressing Phil; amused tone) Now, to sum things up, this place is a damn nuthouse run by nuts – and last week hammered that idea home! You’ve got enemies teamin’ up out of their dislike for OTHER people, a midget named after somethin’ in your pants hangin’ out with one of the aforementioned enemies, and a company President wrapped up in a paternity scandal wit’ the World Heavyweight Champion! Is this wrestling or Washington? Sabur an’ Lil’ Dick do remind me a lot of Dubya and Cheney…but I digress! Fact o’ the matter is that I could care less what they do! I’m goin’ to Shockwave to fight for the World Heavyweight Title and NO ONE can stand in th’ way of that, cutie pie!
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone of voice): Uhm, I think the General Manager of Overdrive might say otherwise.
Phate (peering at Phil; annoyed tone of voice; quizzical tone): …What did you say?
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone of voice): I think the General Manager of Overdrive might say otherwise….?
Phate (addressing Phil; annoyed tone): You mean that washed-up sucka that calls his self runnin’ things around here? The one wit’ the 80’s mustache?
Phil (confirming Phate’s statements): Uh, yep?
Phate (smiling; relaxed tone; addressing Phil): Meh. Whatever.
Phil (slightly confused; addressing Phate): Whatever?
Phate (smiling; amused tone; addressing Phil): Whatever.
Phil (taken aback; addressing Phate; perplexed tone): Oh-kay….
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone): You seem at a loss for words, Phillsey-willsey.
Phil (addressing Phate; perplexed tone): I didn’t expect you to be so…uh…what’s the word?
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone): Sane? Sexy? Cute? Foxy? Non-animated?
Phil (addressing Phate; quick response): That one! That one!
Phate (addressing Phil; amused tone; right hand on Phil’s left shoulder): Ah, my cute lil’ Philley. How trained you are when it comes to th’ insanity of APW. You’re conditioned to expect everyone around here t’respond to you like someone from Kellogg Sanitarium who hasn’t gotten their daily meds! Granted I haven’t taken my meds today but that’s neither here nor there, baby! I’ve already acted like a nutcase for you and, well, I think I did a good enough job that you have more than earned your weekly paycheck tonight! Now, as far as Matt Iron is concerned….
Phil (interrupting Phate; timid tone): Matt Metal.
Phate (stops and stares at Phil harshly before regaining composure; amused tone; addressing Phil): ….As far as Matt Aluminum is concerned, there’s no reason for me to address that situation because, well, he has nothin’ to do with my….activities of the evening. So what if he came out during my celebration last week an’ tried t’make himself feel important again at my expense? So what if he’s a CWF and WWC Legend? What has he done fer me lately? Nothing! And that’s why he ain’t worth gettin’ into a huff about tonight. No matter what he does he can’t take my guaranteed World Heavyweight Title shot away so he really doesn’t matter. I don’t fight Matt Metal until June 27th….and I will address breakin’ my foot off in his ass around June 27th! Got it?
Phil (addressing Phate; timid tone): Yep.
Phate (jovial tone; addressing Phil; patting Phil on the head): GOOD! (Turning slightly to walk away; addressing Phil) Now, if you’ll excuse me….
Phil (light bulb going off in his head; quickly addressing Phate): Wait! What about your opponent tonight? What about Twister?
Phate (quizzical tone; addressing Phil): Twister? We’re gonna play Twister? (Winking; low, kinky voice; addressing Phil) Naked Twister?
Phil (addressing Phate; frazzled tone): Not that kind of Twister! You know – Twister!
Phate (understanding facial expression; quizzical tone; addressing Phil): OH – Twister! I gotcha! What did you wanna know about Tropicana Twister? My fav’rite flavor? I just ADORE th’ Watermelon Strawberry Swirl!
Phil (frustrated; addressing Phate): Not that kind of Twister either! The wrestler they call - -
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil): Just joshin’ ya, man! Geez! Yer easy like Sunday morning, you know that?
Phil (exasperated; addressing Phate): My head hurts….
Phate (amused tone; addressing Phil; grinning from ear to ear): It’s OK, baby – I’m sure the trainers have some Ibuprofen for ya! Now, as far as Twister is concerned, I’m sure he’ll bring it. I’m sure he’ll take his vitamins an’ say his prayers an’ iron his little jean shorts an’ wear a Denver Nuggets or Denver Broncos jersey to appeal to th’ fans and…and…and get his ass KICKED! (Addressing camera and Twister; jovial tone slowly fading into angry tone) Twister! You’ve been doin’ pretty good for yerself since you crashed the Lambardo wedding an’ put yourself back on th’ map! You can shred cheese on yer razor-sharp abs. You are arguably better than you’ve ev’r been in th’ ring. Hell, ya even got a pinfall victory over the APW Champ! But guess what, Twister? I AIN’T KENNY LAMBARDO! And, unlike Diana Lambardo, I don’t go down on th’ first date! You’ve got a date tonight with th’ only man in Action Packed Wrestling with an unstoppable juggernaut of momentum pushin’ him forward to his destiny - - and there ain’t enough X-Men in yer arsenal to stop my rampage! I feel sorry for you that Management placed you in my path because, well, I don’t harbor any ill will toward you. But you must understand that my eye is on th’ prize. My eye is on the APW World Heavyweight Championship – and yer muscle-headed ass is standing in front of it like one o’ those kids that stands in front of the TV while their dad is tryin’ t’watch the game! Do you know what happens to those kids, Twister? Their daddies whip their ass! So you see, Twister, I HAVE to whip yer ass tonight! It’s nature vs. nurture - - and who am I to stand in th’ way of that? My nature is to defeat any man who steps in th’ ring with me! Th’ nurture part comes in when th’ trainers are stitching yer head shut! It’s OK, though - - we can use yer Denver Nuggets or Denver Broncos jersey to sop up yer blood on th’ way there! Ain’t like jerseys from either of those teams are worth anything anyway! Tonight, Twister, your tornado will NOT touch down in Denver – but yer body will touch down on the canvas back first an’ the ref’s hand will touch down for the three-count! And after th’ fans politely clap for your efforts you and th’ fans will KNOW that you are just another wrestler! And while Legends die and Wrestlers come and go ICONS LIVE FOREVER! Prepare to count th’ lights! (winking at Phil; seductive tone of voice; blowing Phil a kiss) Toodles!
Our scene fades to darkness with “The Icon” Doctor Phate walking off camera, leaving APW interviewer Phil with a mixture of confusion and elation on his face as he watches Phate saunter off.
---------- fin ----------
