Post by Chris Cyrus on Aug 20, 2009 13:28:20 GMT -4
The scene opens up with Chris Cyrus, Biggs and The Beast in a Car. They are on Highway 401 from Montreal heading towards Ottawa for the last Overdrive before the Shockwave PPV, which takes place on August 30th in Toronto. Biggs is in the drivers seat, Cyrus is in the passenger seat and The Beast is in the back, sleeping and snoring.
Chris: I can’t stand it anymore. I’m waking him up.
Biggs: Are you suicidal? If you do that, he’ll kill you.
Chris: I can’t even hear the radio.
Biggs: Trust me, we don’t want to wake him.
Chris: Fine.
Chris grabs his PowerAid bottle that’s in the cup holder and takes a drink and puts the Poweraid back.
Chris: Biggs, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now.
Biggs: Thinking about what?
Chris: Why do Slade and Shadow call them selves the Ass Kickers Anonymous? Seems misleading.
Biggs: Yeah, they're not the smartest guys. I mean, they are from Texas.
Chris: I just don’t get it though. Their being hypocrites. Who’s asses have the kicked? Not ours. As far as I see it, we’re more Ass Kickers than they are. Remember when I kicked Assassins ass at Test for the Best. I beat him so bad the he quit wrestling. And not only that, I kicked his ass Twice!
Biggs: And lets not forget the beating I’ve been giving Shadow.
Chris: And last week what we did to Slade.
Biggs: We should protest and get Max or Present Jeff force them to change their name.
Chris: Yeah, to the Ass Kissing Amigos.
Biggs: Or Axis Kicked my Ass.
Chris: I like that one. Or what about Another Crappy Athlete?
Biggs: Crappy is spelled with a C, not a K.
Chris: But we can change it to a K. I mean, isn’t that the cool thing to do, change words around with letters that sound alike?
Biggs: Like Cyrus?
Chris: Exactly. You should change your name to Byggs with a Y. Might do great things for you. Maybe get you movie deals, TV appearances. Maybe Jesse Nunez will want to ask you to be on his next Rap Album.
Biggs: That’s just lame.
Chris: I know, who the hell likes Rap music anymore.
Biggs: No no, I was talking about changing letters and stuff, though rap is crap.
Chris: Trust me man, I did it and it works for me.
Biggs: Can we stay focused here? We fight Slade and Shadow on Overdrive this week in a Handicap match. And I want the momentum going into Shockwave.
Chris: There’s no need to worry, We have The Beast on our side. We should let him single handedly destroy both Slade and Shadow, so we can go into Shockwave at a 100% and make our jobs a whole lot easier.
Biggs: These two guys have had success, we still need a better game plan than just “We’ll let The Beast take care if it.” Plus, we can’t forget that these two beat us once before already, and they’ve been a tag team for a very of a long time.
Chris: They only beat us cause it was our first time teaming up together. Hell, before the match took place, I only knew you for like 2 minutes. They had a huge advantage then. Now, they have no advantage.
Biggs: We need to be on the top of our game here. We need to be on the same page at all times. Three on Two. We got the numbers advantage, but we can’t let that get to us and we can’t be over confidence going in. Because if we’re over confidence, it leads to underestimating and then we lose, and then everyone laughs at us, and I’m not going to let that happen. And with them being down a guy, there come at us hard and fast.
Chris: That’s what she said.
Biggs looks at Chris confused.
Biggs: What did who say?
Chris: That’s what She said.
Biggs: What did she say?
Chris: Come at us hard and fast.
Chris giggles to himself
Biggs: Pervert. Can't believe I missed that Office reference.
Chris: Sorry.
Biggs: Anyways, like I was saying, they have a lot to prove by beating us. You’re the longest Reigning Xtreme Champion, 8 months. I’m the next Overdrive Champion. A win over us is huge for them.
Chris: And its too bad they won’t win. But at the same time, maybe it’s a good thing that we’re going to beat them on Overdrive because this way they can prepare themselves for losing at Shockwave.
Biggs: They're going to learn first hand, once again, why we are The Axis of Awesome.
Chris: Amen brother.
Chris turns of volume up on the radio. Some good ole Rock and Roll blares through the speaks, waking the Beast up as they keep driving and the scene fades.
***
(Note: Anything in quotation marks in this section of the promo is internal monologue.)
As the Axis is driving, Biggs thinks to himself. He thinks back to the vicious beat down that The Axis laid out on Shadow on Overdrive, the feeling of smacking the Overdrive Championship belt on the back of Shadow's head. He remembers the sick thud of the metal connecting with flesh and skull, and the smell of the warm blood that trickled from the back of Shadow's head.
Biggs: “Why do I feel compelled to do the things that I do in that ring? Why is it that when I'm at home or at church that I'm a perfectly normal, friendly guy, yet once I step into the arena, I'm the biggest jerk in the universe? I know what the Bible says about treating others, and what God expects of me, but why is it that I feel like I'm living two lives?”
The Beast is grunting at Cyrus, angry that the radio is still blaring rock and roll..
Chris: C'mon, man, I couldn't hear over your snoring! Don't have a cow! We'll throw your death metal on once the song is done.
Biggs: Just be patient, Beast. I know that's never been one of your strong points, but you'll get your turn.
Biggs keeps his eyes on the road ahead, with the brights all the way on. There's not a single car to be seen for miles.
Biggs: “Could I be bipolar? No, I don't think it's as simple as that. If that were the case, I'd have mood swings at home. Could it be a split personality? Hmmm...”
The Axis' car pulls past a sign for a Diner half a mile ahead.
Biggs: Anybody hungry?
Chris: Oh yeah! I'm so starving, I could eat a whole horse!
In the back, The Beast nods his head in agreement.
Biggs: Okay, we'll stop up ahead. We're actually running ahead of schedule by over an hour and a half, so it shouldn't be a problem at all.
Biggs goes back to his self reflective state.
Biggs: “That can't be it. There's never been a history of mental illness in my family, so it's very unlikely that it would be starting now. Maybe...”
Chris: Hey dude! You're passing the dinner! Earth to Biggs, you're passing the dinner!
Biggs snaps out of his trance, gathers his bearings, and pulls a U-Turn to make his way back to the dinner. They pull up into the parking lot, and exit the vehicle. The Beast has a little bit of trouble getting out of the back seat, but after the brief struggle to pull him out of the back, the three men make their way towards the door of the dinner. It's a blue building with a neon pink sign, stating the dinner's name, Moose Jaw Dinner.
Chris: Are you okay, man? You were kind of spacing out there...
Biggs: I'm okay, I just have a lot on my mind.
Chris: We all do, with our big matches coming up at Shockwave! Still, just to be on the safe side, maybe you should let The Beast drive once we get back in the car.
Biggs: That'd be a good idea.
The three men enter the dinner. It's a cozy joint with black and white linolium floors and wood-paneled walls. There are several moose heads and other hunting trophies displayed all over the wall. A heavyset waitress named Agnes greets the Axis. She's your stereotypical greasy spoon waitress, with think rimmed glasses, a pink dress, and a red beehive hairdo.
Agnes: Welcome to the Moose Jaw Dinner, boys! What brings you in so late?
Chris: Well, we just wanted some pie, and thought what better place to get it than in a dinner!
Agnes: Oh, well, we have several different kinds of pie! We have apple, cherry, blueberry, pumpkin, rubarb...
Agnes keeps listing off different types of pie as she leads The Axis to their table. Cyrus is snickering to himself as they continue on to their table.
Biggs: (whispering to Cyrus, slightly chuckling) You're bad, you are so bad...
The three men are seated in a rather roomy booth, complete with brown leather seats and a red table, although The Beast gets one side to himself. Agnes hands out the menus.
Agnes: Easy there, big guy!
The Beast shoots a mean look at Agnes, and she shows a bit of fear on her face.
Biggs: Sorry about that! Our friend's a bit sensitive about the fact that he doesn't fit into most normal seats.
Agnes: Okay, hun. Y'all just let me know when your ready to order, eh?
Chris: Okay, eh!
Agnes walks off, and Biggs whips out his laptop as Cyrus and The Beast read over the menus, figuring out what they want to eat.
***
Depeche Mode's “Space Walker” plays over a starry background as the words “First Contact” flash across the screen. The video shifts to Biggs seated in a dinner booth.
Biggs: Welcome, ladies and germs, to this week's episode of “First Contact,” being recorded from the Moose Jaw Dinner in Canada!
Biggs whips the camera around to show Cyrus, who is scarfing down on a stack of pancakes, drenched in syrup, with several links of sausage.
Biggs: I'm joined by my good friend Chris Cyrus...
He then shifts the camera over to The Beast, who has three plates of food in front of him, ranging from a hamburger and fries, to the same pancake breakfast that Cyrus ordered, and on the third plate, a thick, juicy steak, with mashed potatoes and carrots, that The Beast has nearly finished. Around his mouth is very messy.
Biggs: ...and of course, The Beast! Dude, you got something on your mouth!
Biggs then whips the camera around again to show Agnes.
Biggs: And finally, our waitress for the evening, Agnes! Say hello to the internet, Agnes!
Agnes stands there baffled. Biggs then gets the camera focused back on him.
Biggs: Don't worry, she's a little shy. But thank goodness I'm not, as we're going to get started right away! Of course the big news this week is that The Axis of Awesome laid utter and complete waste to the AKA for the second week in a row! But more on that later, as I want to quickly discuss the travesty of justice that is going on in the Jesse Nunez and Level-One feud. As everyone knows from this past week's Overdrive, Level-One received two disheartening pieces of information, the first being that Pence Weatherlight is still scheduled to be the ref in the APW Heavyweight Championship match, and the second being that now Level-One has to pin Nunez for six, count it six, seconds to retain his APW Championship! Not that I particularly like Level-One, I merely have a professional respect for him, but he would be a far better representative than Jesse Nunez could ever hope to be, and considering the fact that Pence has enough trouble counting to three, let alone six, the odds have drastically increased in favor of the walking rap star wannabe!
Biggs stops to take a drink of his Dr. Pepper.
Biggs: Now onto the Axis' utter decimation of the AKA this past week. Quite simply, the Axis of Awesome has the AKA's number, as for the last couple of weeks, we've left them battered and beaten beyond recognition, not to mention the fact that we ran Assassin out of APW. Still, if you don't believe it, I have come in possession of a video taped AKA team meeting, which I will show to you now.
The video switches to a shot of the Axis of Awesome dressed up like members of the AKA. Biggs is dressed as Shadow, Cyrus as Slade, complete with a beer bottle in hand, and The Beast as Assassin. All three men look dejected and have makeup on that makes them look beat up, complete with black eyes and scrapes and bruises. The footage was shot in a dingy locker room, with a large banner reading “Asses Kicked by the Axis” hanging in the background. The three are seated in chairs with “Assassin” in between “Slade” and “Shadow.”
Biggs: (in his best Shadow impersonation) Now guys, we just got our keisters handed to us by The Axis of Awesome! I swear, each week, they beat us up again and again, and we just don't learn from it, do we?
Chris: (aping Slade's voice, with a drunk twinge)Y'know, you's right! You'd think we'd be on ta them nows, but we ain't! *hiccup*
Biggs: I mean, the AKA is in dire straights here! I'm going to lose my Overdrive Championship to Biggs, there's no way that you're going to beat Chris Cyrus at Shockwave, and Assassin here's been so humiliated and embarrassed that he won't show up at all to help us out! Face it guys, we suck!
Chris: *hiccup* You're darn right we do! Even if Assassin was able to help us, I don't think it would be much different! They have The Beast! *hiccup*
Biggs: What do you gotta say about our predicament, Assassin, we haven't heard a peep out of you all night.
At this point, The Beast looks at Biggs, then looks to Cyrus, looks back to Biggs, then back to Cyrus. He then places his face in his hands and pretends to cry! Cyrus place an arm on The Beast's shoulder, while Biggs pats him on the back.
Biggs: It's alright, we can understand that it's too painful to talk about. I mean, The Axis is just so dominating, so athletic, so dynamic, that we have no hope of comparing to them! We might as well just face it, fellas, we're done for!
All three men start to cry uncontrollably as the video fades out. As the screen transitions back to the dinner, Biggs and Cyrus are seen laughing hysterically, and The Beast's bellowing laugh can be heard from across the table. Agnes walks up to the table, and Biggs whips the camera around towards her.
Agnes: I'm going to have to ask you three to settle down. It's late, and the other guests are either hungover or extremely grouchy, and the noise level coming from this corner is bothering them greatly.
Biggs quickly uses the camera to show the rest of the dinner, showing that it's completely empty save for the Axis, Agnes, and the cook.
Chris: What guests? We're the only one's here!
Agnes: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask y'all to leave!
Biggs: Oh c'mon! We're just taking a break from being on the road, relaxing a bit, enjoying a fine meal! Heck, I was even going to name this place in my Shameless Plug of the Week, but now, miss, you have offended me!
Biggs quickly turns to the camera.
Biggs: Okay folks, you heard it here first, the Moose Jaw Dinner is total garbage! I wouldn't feed this food to a dying man, because it would only help finish the job quicker!
Agnes: Alright, you're going to need to leave immediately, and turn that off!
First Contact comes to an abrupt end.
***
Biggs: So you want us to leave immediately, without paying?
Chris: That's what I heard!
Agnes: No, no! You need to pay first!
Biggs closes his laptop and puts it in his carrier bag
Chris: No you told us to leave immediately, and we intend to follow your instructions.
The Beast stares down at Agnes, intimidating the waitress. Biggs looks slightly flustered as The Axis leaves the the dinner and gets back into the car. The Beast is in the driver's seat, with Cyrus riding shotgun.
Biggs: Guys, I'll be just a moment, I need to quickly use the bathroom.
Chris: Really? You're going to go back in there and use the can? After what we just pulled?
Biggs: We don't know when we'll be hitting up another restroom anytime soon, and when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Chris: You're so hardcore, bro! Go back in there and show them whose boss!
Biggs exits the car, and walks back into the dinner. Agnes is flustered, and Biggs walks over the an area where the windows can't see in, beckoning for Agnes. Biggs pulls out his wallet and hands Agnes a hundred dollar bill, Canadian.
Biggs: Sorry about the trouble me and my friends caused earlier. It wasn't fair of us to leave without paying. Now I'm going to need you to act like I'm verbally berating you, so much to the point where the cook chases me out of the store. Okay?
Agnes: Okay.
Biggs starts to yell all sorts of things at Agnes, calling her a poor waitress and saying that the food was crap. After a few moments, when Agnes signals the cook, the cook rushes out of the kitchen and chases Biggs right out the door, yelling loud curses at Biggs. Biggs hops into the backseat, and the Axis pulls out, burning rubber out of the gravel parking lot! Cyrus reaches back and gives Biggs daps as The Beast continues to drive.
Chris: I can’t stand it anymore. I’m waking him up.
Biggs: Are you suicidal? If you do that, he’ll kill you.
Chris: I can’t even hear the radio.
Biggs: Trust me, we don’t want to wake him.
Chris: Fine.
Chris grabs his PowerAid bottle that’s in the cup holder and takes a drink and puts the Poweraid back.
Chris: Biggs, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now.
Biggs: Thinking about what?
Chris: Why do Slade and Shadow call them selves the Ass Kickers Anonymous? Seems misleading.
Biggs: Yeah, they're not the smartest guys. I mean, they are from Texas.
Chris: I just don’t get it though. Their being hypocrites. Who’s asses have the kicked? Not ours. As far as I see it, we’re more Ass Kickers than they are. Remember when I kicked Assassins ass at Test for the Best. I beat him so bad the he quit wrestling. And not only that, I kicked his ass Twice!
Biggs: And lets not forget the beating I’ve been giving Shadow.
Chris: And last week what we did to Slade.
Biggs: We should protest and get Max or Present Jeff force them to change their name.
Chris: Yeah, to the Ass Kissing Amigos.
Biggs: Or Axis Kicked my Ass.
Chris: I like that one. Or what about Another Crappy Athlete?
Biggs: Crappy is spelled with a C, not a K.
Chris: But we can change it to a K. I mean, isn’t that the cool thing to do, change words around with letters that sound alike?
Biggs: Like Cyrus?
Chris: Exactly. You should change your name to Byggs with a Y. Might do great things for you. Maybe get you movie deals, TV appearances. Maybe Jesse Nunez will want to ask you to be on his next Rap Album.
Biggs: That’s just lame.
Chris: I know, who the hell likes Rap music anymore.
Biggs: No no, I was talking about changing letters and stuff, though rap is crap.
Chris: Trust me man, I did it and it works for me.
Biggs: Can we stay focused here? We fight Slade and Shadow on Overdrive this week in a Handicap match. And I want the momentum going into Shockwave.
Chris: There’s no need to worry, We have The Beast on our side. We should let him single handedly destroy both Slade and Shadow, so we can go into Shockwave at a 100% and make our jobs a whole lot easier.
Biggs: These two guys have had success, we still need a better game plan than just “We’ll let The Beast take care if it.” Plus, we can’t forget that these two beat us once before already, and they’ve been a tag team for a very of a long time.
Chris: They only beat us cause it was our first time teaming up together. Hell, before the match took place, I only knew you for like 2 minutes. They had a huge advantage then. Now, they have no advantage.
Biggs: We need to be on the top of our game here. We need to be on the same page at all times. Three on Two. We got the numbers advantage, but we can’t let that get to us and we can’t be over confidence going in. Because if we’re over confidence, it leads to underestimating and then we lose, and then everyone laughs at us, and I’m not going to let that happen. And with them being down a guy, there come at us hard and fast.
Chris: That’s what she said.
Biggs looks at Chris confused.
Biggs: What did who say?
Chris: That’s what She said.
Biggs: What did she say?
Chris: Come at us hard and fast.
Chris giggles to himself
Biggs: Pervert. Can't believe I missed that Office reference.
Chris: Sorry.
Biggs: Anyways, like I was saying, they have a lot to prove by beating us. You’re the longest Reigning Xtreme Champion, 8 months. I’m the next Overdrive Champion. A win over us is huge for them.
Chris: And its too bad they won’t win. But at the same time, maybe it’s a good thing that we’re going to beat them on Overdrive because this way they can prepare themselves for losing at Shockwave.
Biggs: They're going to learn first hand, once again, why we are The Axis of Awesome.
Chris: Amen brother.
Chris turns of volume up on the radio. Some good ole Rock and Roll blares through the speaks, waking the Beast up as they keep driving and the scene fades.
***
(Note: Anything in quotation marks in this section of the promo is internal monologue.)
As the Axis is driving, Biggs thinks to himself. He thinks back to the vicious beat down that The Axis laid out on Shadow on Overdrive, the feeling of smacking the Overdrive Championship belt on the back of Shadow's head. He remembers the sick thud of the metal connecting with flesh and skull, and the smell of the warm blood that trickled from the back of Shadow's head.
Biggs: “Why do I feel compelled to do the things that I do in that ring? Why is it that when I'm at home or at church that I'm a perfectly normal, friendly guy, yet once I step into the arena, I'm the biggest jerk in the universe? I know what the Bible says about treating others, and what God expects of me, but why is it that I feel like I'm living two lives?”
The Beast is grunting at Cyrus, angry that the radio is still blaring rock and roll..
Chris: C'mon, man, I couldn't hear over your snoring! Don't have a cow! We'll throw your death metal on once the song is done.
Biggs: Just be patient, Beast. I know that's never been one of your strong points, but you'll get your turn.
Biggs keeps his eyes on the road ahead, with the brights all the way on. There's not a single car to be seen for miles.
Biggs: “Could I be bipolar? No, I don't think it's as simple as that. If that were the case, I'd have mood swings at home. Could it be a split personality? Hmmm...”
The Axis' car pulls past a sign for a Diner half a mile ahead.
Biggs: Anybody hungry?
Chris: Oh yeah! I'm so starving, I could eat a whole horse!
In the back, The Beast nods his head in agreement.
Biggs: Okay, we'll stop up ahead. We're actually running ahead of schedule by over an hour and a half, so it shouldn't be a problem at all.
Biggs goes back to his self reflective state.
Biggs: “That can't be it. There's never been a history of mental illness in my family, so it's very unlikely that it would be starting now. Maybe...”
Chris: Hey dude! You're passing the dinner! Earth to Biggs, you're passing the dinner!
Biggs snaps out of his trance, gathers his bearings, and pulls a U-Turn to make his way back to the dinner. They pull up into the parking lot, and exit the vehicle. The Beast has a little bit of trouble getting out of the back seat, but after the brief struggle to pull him out of the back, the three men make their way towards the door of the dinner. It's a blue building with a neon pink sign, stating the dinner's name, Moose Jaw Dinner.
Chris: Are you okay, man? You were kind of spacing out there...
Biggs: I'm okay, I just have a lot on my mind.
Chris: We all do, with our big matches coming up at Shockwave! Still, just to be on the safe side, maybe you should let The Beast drive once we get back in the car.
Biggs: That'd be a good idea.
The three men enter the dinner. It's a cozy joint with black and white linolium floors and wood-paneled walls. There are several moose heads and other hunting trophies displayed all over the wall. A heavyset waitress named Agnes greets the Axis. She's your stereotypical greasy spoon waitress, with think rimmed glasses, a pink dress, and a red beehive hairdo.
Agnes: Welcome to the Moose Jaw Dinner, boys! What brings you in so late?
Chris: Well, we just wanted some pie, and thought what better place to get it than in a dinner!
Agnes: Oh, well, we have several different kinds of pie! We have apple, cherry, blueberry, pumpkin, rubarb...
Agnes keeps listing off different types of pie as she leads The Axis to their table. Cyrus is snickering to himself as they continue on to their table.
Biggs: (whispering to Cyrus, slightly chuckling) You're bad, you are so bad...
The three men are seated in a rather roomy booth, complete with brown leather seats and a red table, although The Beast gets one side to himself. Agnes hands out the menus.
Agnes: Easy there, big guy!
The Beast shoots a mean look at Agnes, and she shows a bit of fear on her face.
Biggs: Sorry about that! Our friend's a bit sensitive about the fact that he doesn't fit into most normal seats.
Agnes: Okay, hun. Y'all just let me know when your ready to order, eh?
Chris: Okay, eh!
Agnes walks off, and Biggs whips out his laptop as Cyrus and The Beast read over the menus, figuring out what they want to eat.
***
Depeche Mode's “Space Walker” plays over a starry background as the words “First Contact” flash across the screen. The video shifts to Biggs seated in a dinner booth.
Biggs: Welcome, ladies and germs, to this week's episode of “First Contact,” being recorded from the Moose Jaw Dinner in Canada!
Biggs whips the camera around to show Cyrus, who is scarfing down on a stack of pancakes, drenched in syrup, with several links of sausage.
Biggs: I'm joined by my good friend Chris Cyrus...
He then shifts the camera over to The Beast, who has three plates of food in front of him, ranging from a hamburger and fries, to the same pancake breakfast that Cyrus ordered, and on the third plate, a thick, juicy steak, with mashed potatoes and carrots, that The Beast has nearly finished. Around his mouth is very messy.
Biggs: ...and of course, The Beast! Dude, you got something on your mouth!
Biggs then whips the camera around again to show Agnes.
Biggs: And finally, our waitress for the evening, Agnes! Say hello to the internet, Agnes!
Agnes stands there baffled. Biggs then gets the camera focused back on him.
Biggs: Don't worry, she's a little shy. But thank goodness I'm not, as we're going to get started right away! Of course the big news this week is that The Axis of Awesome laid utter and complete waste to the AKA for the second week in a row! But more on that later, as I want to quickly discuss the travesty of justice that is going on in the Jesse Nunez and Level-One feud. As everyone knows from this past week's Overdrive, Level-One received two disheartening pieces of information, the first being that Pence Weatherlight is still scheduled to be the ref in the APW Heavyweight Championship match, and the second being that now Level-One has to pin Nunez for six, count it six, seconds to retain his APW Championship! Not that I particularly like Level-One, I merely have a professional respect for him, but he would be a far better representative than Jesse Nunez could ever hope to be, and considering the fact that Pence has enough trouble counting to three, let alone six, the odds have drastically increased in favor of the walking rap star wannabe!
Biggs stops to take a drink of his Dr. Pepper.
Biggs: Now onto the Axis' utter decimation of the AKA this past week. Quite simply, the Axis of Awesome has the AKA's number, as for the last couple of weeks, we've left them battered and beaten beyond recognition, not to mention the fact that we ran Assassin out of APW. Still, if you don't believe it, I have come in possession of a video taped AKA team meeting, which I will show to you now.
The video switches to a shot of the Axis of Awesome dressed up like members of the AKA. Biggs is dressed as Shadow, Cyrus as Slade, complete with a beer bottle in hand, and The Beast as Assassin. All three men look dejected and have makeup on that makes them look beat up, complete with black eyes and scrapes and bruises. The footage was shot in a dingy locker room, with a large banner reading “Asses Kicked by the Axis” hanging in the background. The three are seated in chairs with “Assassin” in between “Slade” and “Shadow.”
Biggs: (in his best Shadow impersonation) Now guys, we just got our keisters handed to us by The Axis of Awesome! I swear, each week, they beat us up again and again, and we just don't learn from it, do we?
Chris: (aping Slade's voice, with a drunk twinge)Y'know, you's right! You'd think we'd be on ta them nows, but we ain't! *hiccup*
Biggs: I mean, the AKA is in dire straights here! I'm going to lose my Overdrive Championship to Biggs, there's no way that you're going to beat Chris Cyrus at Shockwave, and Assassin here's been so humiliated and embarrassed that he won't show up at all to help us out! Face it guys, we suck!
Chris: *hiccup* You're darn right we do! Even if Assassin was able to help us, I don't think it would be much different! They have The Beast! *hiccup*
Biggs: What do you gotta say about our predicament, Assassin, we haven't heard a peep out of you all night.
At this point, The Beast looks at Biggs, then looks to Cyrus, looks back to Biggs, then back to Cyrus. He then places his face in his hands and pretends to cry! Cyrus place an arm on The Beast's shoulder, while Biggs pats him on the back.
Biggs: It's alright, we can understand that it's too painful to talk about. I mean, The Axis is just so dominating, so athletic, so dynamic, that we have no hope of comparing to them! We might as well just face it, fellas, we're done for!
All three men start to cry uncontrollably as the video fades out. As the screen transitions back to the dinner, Biggs and Cyrus are seen laughing hysterically, and The Beast's bellowing laugh can be heard from across the table. Agnes walks up to the table, and Biggs whips the camera around towards her.
Agnes: I'm going to have to ask you three to settle down. It's late, and the other guests are either hungover or extremely grouchy, and the noise level coming from this corner is bothering them greatly.
Biggs quickly uses the camera to show the rest of the dinner, showing that it's completely empty save for the Axis, Agnes, and the cook.
Chris: What guests? We're the only one's here!
Agnes: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask y'all to leave!
Biggs: Oh c'mon! We're just taking a break from being on the road, relaxing a bit, enjoying a fine meal! Heck, I was even going to name this place in my Shameless Plug of the Week, but now, miss, you have offended me!
Biggs quickly turns to the camera.
Biggs: Okay folks, you heard it here first, the Moose Jaw Dinner is total garbage! I wouldn't feed this food to a dying man, because it would only help finish the job quicker!
Agnes: Alright, you're going to need to leave immediately, and turn that off!
First Contact comes to an abrupt end.
***
Biggs: So you want us to leave immediately, without paying?
Chris: That's what I heard!
Agnes: No, no! You need to pay first!
Biggs closes his laptop and puts it in his carrier bag
Chris: No you told us to leave immediately, and we intend to follow your instructions.
The Beast stares down at Agnes, intimidating the waitress. Biggs looks slightly flustered as The Axis leaves the the dinner and gets back into the car. The Beast is in the driver's seat, with Cyrus riding shotgun.
Biggs: Guys, I'll be just a moment, I need to quickly use the bathroom.
Chris: Really? You're going to go back in there and use the can? After what we just pulled?
Biggs: We don't know when we'll be hitting up another restroom anytime soon, and when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Chris: You're so hardcore, bro! Go back in there and show them whose boss!
Biggs exits the car, and walks back into the dinner. Agnes is flustered, and Biggs walks over the an area where the windows can't see in, beckoning for Agnes. Biggs pulls out his wallet and hands Agnes a hundred dollar bill, Canadian.
Biggs: Sorry about the trouble me and my friends caused earlier. It wasn't fair of us to leave without paying. Now I'm going to need you to act like I'm verbally berating you, so much to the point where the cook chases me out of the store. Okay?
Agnes: Okay.
Biggs starts to yell all sorts of things at Agnes, calling her a poor waitress and saying that the food was crap. After a few moments, when Agnes signals the cook, the cook rushes out of the kitchen and chases Biggs right out the door, yelling loud curses at Biggs. Biggs hops into the backseat, and the Axis pulls out, burning rubber out of the gravel parking lot! Cyrus reaches back and gives Biggs daps as The Beast continues to drive.
