Shopping Smart

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

Our scene opens in what looks to be a Wal Mart, the epitome of white trash, where people go to buy needless amounts of crap that they do not need and will break shortly after purchasing. But this is not a Wal Mart, in fact all that we see on the signs around the aisles is a giant “S” that is followed by a price. We see people walking around in grey smocks walking around shopping. This is different than the crap those Wal Mart employees wear. No we are in a different store, but the idea is the same. Its just like a K Mart as well, although most those do not exist anymore, at least in Texas anyway. No in this store, in the sporting good section we see Slade Craven stranding there with his face clean shaven and his hair dark and combed back. He stands here in a smock and converses with the customers who look like illegals and rednecks, just the kind of people who come to wrestling shows. Slade stands there with a dopey smile as he works the counter loaded with knives, compasses and other outdoors material. Slade looks at a customer who is asking where house wares.

Slade: Housewares? Uh Aisle twelve. Thank you for shopping at…

The customer walks away and Craven is approached by a manager. The guy is wearing large glasses and holds a mug of coffee. The man look incredibly annoying just in the way he carries himself.

Manager- Hey Slade, what’s happening?

He takes a drink from his mug of coffee and sighs.

Manager: Slade we need to talk about you, about your smock.

Craven looks around and sees no one else near him. No one has walked up with the manager, the guy is alone, what they hell was this “We” crap. This is all Slade could think as the man rambled on in his droll voice.

Manager: Listen, people can get hardware and food anywhere, they come here because they like the style and the atmosphere. Right now you are not screaming those things.

He motions to another employee who has his hair spiked into a Mohawk and its painted bright neon yellow. Slade actually shields his eyes from it. The employee is somberly labeling things with no enthusiasm.

Manger: You see? Michael over there has the right idea. See no one approaches him, everyone lets him alone and he hates his life. That’s what I would like to see from you right now. People don’t want to be bothered, and I don’t care who you were before you came here, or where you go when you leave here, but when you are here, I don’t want to see that smile.

Craven smiles and the manger tells him angrily.

Manager: Wipe that smile off your face.

Slade- Uh.

The manager starts to walk off and as he walks away he stretches his arms out and turns back. His face scrunched up.

Manager: Oh, and we’re going to need you to come in on Saturday. We lost some people this week, and we have to play catch up. Thanks a bunch!

He walks away before Slade can say anything. He shakes his head and lets out an exacerbated sigh. Another employee, her nametag reads “Linda” walks up to him. She witnessed the whole thing from behind an aisle. She is timid and she walks up and bites her fingernails.

Linda: Hi.

Craven looks at her.

Slade- Hey there.

Linda: I saw it all. I’m sorry. He is just.

Slade- Don’t worry about it, looks like somebody already fucked him up with a coffee pot anyway.

She puts her hands over her mouth in shock as Slade says that.

Slade- What? You surprised? it’s the truth.

A slight giggle escapes her lips.

Slade- Glad I could bring a smile to your face. So you a wrestling fan?

The young lady, who can’t be older than twenty one just shakes her head. She is incredibly nervous.

Slade- That’s alright. Yeah I don’t really work here. I made a deal with the guy who owns the chain to try and get people to watch our shows more. In return he would get some free publicity and good P.R.

Linda- You’re Slade right? That wrestler guy?

Slade- Indeed I am

He realizes she seems a might primitive, its an endearing quality. Slade smiles at her.

Slade- So how long have you worked here?

Linda: Uh, three weeks.

Slade- You like it?

She shakes her head as Craven can help but chuckle. He looks around and sees another customer avoid Michael and head straight for him. Slade knows that Management doesn’t want him to be helpful but Slade likes talking to people its one of the reasons he wrestles. He loves talking to that crowd. Craven greets the person,

Slade- Hi! How can I help you?

Customer: Uh can you call a manager? I have been trying to return this and no one in customer service will allow me to do so and no one can find a manager.

Linda looks at Slade she looks more nervous. Craven picks up the boxed up lamp that has the receipt stapled to the box. He examines everything and sees that it was purchased the day before.

Slade- Sure no problem. Why are you returning it?

Customer: Its not the one I asked my husband to buy. He was supposed to get the one you had on sale.

Craven nods and picks up the phone, punches the intercom button and says.

Slade- Bill Cole to the Sporting Goods Section please, Bill Cole.

It isn’t two minutes before Bill is storming his way back to the section, his mug of coffee refueled and steaming, just like Bill’s face. Slade just smirks as Bill walks up to the customer and argues with her for a moment before telling her to go back to the customer service section and that he would be there in a minute. Linda scurries off frightened because Bill is pissed. He was enjoying his four hour break and Slade interrupted him for this. He looks at Slade with anger.

Bill (Manager): Slade, I thought we talked about this? You were going to take it down a peg, no one likes a showboat. Now when you are ready to have some store spirit…

Craven lets out a sigh of anguish he reaches down under the counter.

Slade- My store spirit? You want to see some spirit? Here is my god damn store spirit.

He pulls out a shotgun and cocks it, Bill jumps back dropping his coffee mug. Slade angles the fire arm slightly and shoots the cup. An explosion rips through the quiet store as the fluids within the porcelain spread out like wings. There are screams heard from the back of the store as the remainder of the shell collides with the aisle of batting helmets and pads which are conveniently placed to stop the rest of the pellets from the shell. Slade grabs the phone and punches the intercom button again as Bill just stands there scared out of his mind. Linda is seen peaking from behind the employee’s break room door. She watches as Slade yells into the receiver and keeps his gun angled towards the ceiling. Bill doesn’t know what to say.

Slade- Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up! That was my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. It’s our top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

Craven then turns and shoots the phone causing another round of screams. He’s being a showboat, and its obvious from Bill’s face, that its not appreciated. But that’s what Slade is, a showoff.

Slade- You see that Bill? I just advertised one of your best products and offered a free demonstration. That’s store spirit. Now what you need to understand is this.

Craven jumps down off the counter top and lowers the shotgun.

Slade- I do not need this job. I am not your employee. I am Slade, “The Main Man,” Craven. And I am only here to promote our show this week, Overdrive, to your fair city. So, no I will not be coming in this weekend to work for you, I will be sitting at my home in Texas, drinking a nice, nonalcoholic beverage and laughing my ass of at the replay from the events from this week. From my first day here, taking out that shoplifter with the “wet floor” sign, to this moment right now, to tomorrow night when I whip some punk kid’s ass in the ring. While my job may have no direct relation to my match this week, I am still going to talk about it. Because you Bill, seem to think that I am some nobody, someone who tries to stand out. And I do make a scene, like this one. But what you fail to realize is, I’m Slade Craven baby. I am not some chump you can boss around.

Craven starts pacing around Bill who shivers. He doesn’t know what to say. People are swarming to the sporting goods section and forming a crowd.

Slade- People need to learn.

Craven looks to the crowd and holds out his hand.

Slade- Not ya’ll, you’ll are alright.

He looks back to Bill.

Slade- You on the other hand have the unlucky sensation of reminding me of my opponent this week. Someone who walks around with an pretentious sense of pride, thinking about how amazing and great you are with nothing to show for it. Working your ass off and talking about everything you have ever done when you walk into a new place. What happened before you got here means diddly, because this is what Slade calls home now. Every once in awhile you might here me talk about it, but its not important because what does matter is what I have accomplished here. Slade Craven has taken on Level One and gave that man one of the best matches he’s had since he came here. I have been in the only Anarchy Cell with against my own best friend in a match of pure respect. And just last week I defeated the man who won Test for the Best, Jesse Nunez. That is who I am, “The Main Man,” is not an assumed title, it was earned. And now I face some guy who calls himself J-Mart. Like it makes him cool. Sure That’s just what someone wants to be referred to as, a damn store. Sure it advertises he has a great cheap price, but the quality will always suck. Now if he advertised himself as something that’s top of the line, like my boomstick, then maybe. But he has to get his head on straight. This is not Rampage, this is Overdrive. Now a rampage will be what happens when you step in the ring with “The Main Man,” because hell everyone who is anyone knows, when it comes down to it, Slade Craven lays it all on the line. You want to say how you never give up, well son, you don’t give up, when you get knocked out. It just sort of happens. And then the pin fall happens, and you lose, there is no giving up in that equation. Now I heard what he said off camera, how our match would consist of him just beating my ass. Ain’t going to happen.

Craven cocks the gun an a used shell pops out and hit’s the floor, some of the crowd cringes while others gasp. Bill does both. Linda is now behind Slade, and Bill sees this hoping she will knock him down or something.

Slade- Because it makes no sense honestly. His last career loss was Jesse Nunez, and “The Main Man’s” last career win was Jesse Nunez. So how could that happen? Huh? Someone care to explain that to me?

Craven walks in front of Bill who lets out a yelp, so Slade turns to him.

Slade- Hrm?

Bill: Slade, aren’t you supposed to be a good guy?

His words stammer as Slade raises the shotgun up, pointing it at the ceiling.

Slade- Good, bad, I’m the guy with the gun.

He smirks and shoots of the last cartage. It shatters some of the drywall tile ceiling making dust and brings down pieces on Bill. The man screams in terror while the employees seem happy, in fact most everyone does for some odd reason, but remember stores like this are for illegals and rednecks, they love seeing people shoot guns. Slade smiles as Linda creeps closer.

Slade- Hail to the king baby.

Craven sticks out his arm and grabs Lind a pulling her in for a kiss as we hear sirens in the distance. Someone called the cops of course and Slade’s acute hearing picks this up. After he breaks the kiss he turns to the people and says.

Slade- I didn’t see nothing!

He turns and darts into the employee break room which leads to the stockroom as he makes a break for it, all the while thinking… damn I got to pay for all that stuff.