Post by John Green on May 13, 2009 18:10:01 GMT -4
Alcholics R Us!
--
The scene opens up with John sipping on a Budweiser beer, and leafing through an old Playboy Magazine next to a old friend of High school, Jason Alexander. He stops on a picture of Hope Dworaczyk and rotates the magazine into several positions.
John- What do you think?
Jason- About what?
John- Hope Dworaczyk .
Jason- She's nice.. has boobs. She's hot.. I'd fuck her. Well if she wasn't pregnant or whatever
John- I'm thinking of dating her.
Jason- Mhm.. and she's going to say no.
John- How come?
Jason- Well my first guess would be that she's in a relationship with Jason Kidd. I think. My second guess would be that she's pregnant with Jason's baby. Or my third guess would be because you treated all your past girlfriends like shit. Always got drunk and stoned, used them for sex. And tried to buy their love when things failed.
John- Oh.. what if I was APW Champion though?
Jason- Then maybe, women do like men in power.
John- Hmmm, I think I'm going to ask her out then.
Jason- Remind me to get the video camera when you do. I want to replay her smacking you over and over. Slow motion rocks.
John- Ya know, you're a real asshole sometimes.
Jason- Coming from the whole ass, that's a compliment.
John- Touche, but I shall get the lady.
Jason- Well, good luck. Maybe she'll cheat on you with me, and we can all be one big happy disfunctional family. You, me, the girl, and the pussy.
John- Where is he anyways?
Jason- Nap time, I gave him some catnip earlier.
John- Fuckin' burnout kittens. Ah well, as long as he's out. What's on our agenda?
Jason- We got an entire week off, I'd just imagine we'd get drunk and cause some shit.
John- Nah, we did that last month. Let's think of something fun to do.
Jason- Hmm..
--
An Idea?
Mr.Wuffles sits on Jasons lap as he reads him the classic tale of Puss in Boots.
Jason- -Direct Quote- "I have further been told," said the cat, "that you can also transform yourself into the smallest of animals, for example, a rat or a mouse. But I can scarcely believe that. I must admit to you that I think that that would be quite impossible."
"Impossible!" cried the ogre. "You shall see!"
He immediately changed himself into a mouse and began to run about the floor. As soon as the cat saw this, he fell upon him and ate him up.
Mr.Wuffles- Purrrrrrr!
Jason- And that is why you will one day become the king of the world. You're cunning cuteness will one day win everyone over.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
--
Back In The Real World
Jason- Yeah I got nothing.
John- Well.. there's gotta be something two handsome rich fuckers like us can do. I think I got an idea.
Jason- Uh oh!
--
Later that Evening
John is on his cell phone with his credit card out, and has a huge smile on his face.
John- Yes, we will be there tomorrow morning. ..... Mhm, yeah I do understand what I just bought. .... ok well.. see you tommorrow Mr.Gladstone.
John hangs up his cell phone and looks at Jason.
John- Well, tommorrow we set sail.
Jason- And what are we doing again?
John- sigh I'll explain when we get there.
With that John grabs a suitcase, his jackets, and a bunch of sweaters. Trying to walk with them all, he scurries out the door leaving Jason looking on in confusion.
Jason- Fuckin' crackhead.
--
The Next Morning.
John is wearing a sweater as he stands close to a harbor that has a strong wind coming off of it. Jason is wearing one of Johns old shirts that seems to be way to small for him. He tries to pull his jacket closer in, but fails to do so as the jacket itself has become to small.
Jason- Damn it John, what the hell are we doing here?
John- Relax, he's going to be here soon.
Jason- Yeah, I'll relax when my balls don't feel like they're going to fall off.
John- Pssh, not like you use them much.
Jason- What did you just say? Balls fist.
John- Just saying man, for a guy your size you should win more matches. I guess that's why your beloved indy fed fired you. I wouldn't need you in tag matches.
Jason- Well for an ego your size, you shouldn't need me.
John- That's besides the point. Your balls have no effect on my ego.
Jason- I've knocked out bigger men then you for saying less.
John- But I sign your paycheque, so let it slide big man. I was actually raising your testosterome.
Jason unballs his fist and realizes that his short spurt of anger has indeed caused his blood to flow faster, and thus warm him.
Jason- Stop thinking you know everything.
John- I come from Georgia eh, we drink beer and get high all day.
Jason- I come from Mother Russia, we let your blood spill over our white tundra.
John- Then stop complaining of the cold. You're from America. Snow frightens you.
Jason- ...
John- Eh!
As John smirks a little from his spurt of being clever, a ship can be seen in the horizon. It has the full blown sails, and is wooden. And resembles an old school Viking War Ship.
Jason- What... the...
John- That's our boy. I guess now I'll let you know where we're going.
Jason- Oh.. I would love to hear this one explained somewhat rationally.
John- We're going to the North Pole to overthrow Santa, and claim it as our own country.
Jason- Umm...
John- Relax, I got it covered. We're calling it Alcholics Annonymous.
Jason- Why?
John- Cause when Hope Dworaczyk tells me I need to go to AA, we can go hang out with some midgets. I betcha the girl ones give great blowjobs.
Jason- You are by far, the most..... God you're fucked.
The ship begins to pull into the harbour as Jason shakes his head from side to side. John however is all smiles as he waves at the Captain who looks to have been drinking a few to many.
John- That's our Captain. Call him Mr.Gladstone. An old friend of mine, we used to run dope on this thing.
Jason- Please tell me we're not doing a drug run. I don't want to go to jail over this shit.
John- Pfft, you act like I'm an amatuer. We've got a scanner on there, we'll smoke the shit before the cops even pick us up.
Jason- Yeah... about that whole smoking a boatload of dope. I don't think we'd get through the first ounce.
John- You wouldn't. But fuck if I'm not up for the challenge. Just relax man, we're not running the dope. He might be, but I don't know shit about shit.
Jason- God.. I swear man, if you get me in any more shit..
John- No.. don't give me this crap Jason. What did we do last year? What did we do the year before? The same old shit. Liven it up a little. Besides, I've always wanted to see some elves.
Jason-...
John- What?
Jason- SANTA CLAUSE DOESN'T EXIST!
John- Oh yeah? THEN WHY DID I GET A SHINY RED BIKE ON MY 8th BIRTHDAY!
Jason- ..... CAUSE YOUR DAD STOLE IT FROM THE KIDS NEXT DOOR!
John- LIES AND DECEIT! plugs ears LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
Jason- ... children.
John runs away from Jason and climbs aboard the viking ship, where Mr.Gladstone is waiting for him. Beer in hand the two clink bottles together and chug them back. Jason gets on the boat with a worried look on his face, as Mr.Gladstone shakes his hand and gives him a beer.
Jason- More alchol?
John- Don't worry man, we're going to AA when we're done. HA that was clever.
Jason- Dear God.. we don't talk much, but please.. kill me now. Amen!
John- I am God moron. Now set sail Gladstone, we're headed for the North Mother Fuckin' Pole!
Mr.Gladstone lets out a drunken burp and starts steering the boat away from the harbour. The hull of the ship actually injures one of the harbours posts, as Mr.Gladstone turns the massive ship around. Jason is practically in disbelief as he realizes that the possibility of death, being arrested, or losing his balls have now become a reality.
--
Onwards to AA
John and Jason are now below deck in their cabins, which is a nice surprise for Jason. The two of them will be sharing a cabin with a bunkbed, that has the living space of a closet.
John- I can't believe we get a room.
Jason- I think I'm going to live here for awhile.
John- Why?
Jason- Cause I can feel my balls. I've never been so thankful to hold them in my hands. Cept for that time a rattlesnake bit me in the thigh.
John- You got bit by a rattlesnake?
Jason- Yeah, we went out hunting one day and I was going all CIA on my buddies. Was hiding out in some tall grass, waiting for a buck to come back. Turns out a rattlesnake is faster then I thought. I heard it, but then I felt it before I could move.
John- And it almost bit off your dick?
Jason- Nah, son of a bitch aimed for the meat. Kind of glad for that.
John- Think Hope Dworaczyk will aim for my meat. Wink wink.
Jason- Nope. Not a chance in hell.
John- That's why we're a match made in heaven. That was so clever. I should write that down in our poem.
Jason- You do realize your becoming a borderline stalker to a woman who doesn't even like you or know you.
John- How's this for a starter? Roses are red, violets are blue, I've been admiring you. I haven't a chance in hell. But my ego isn't the only thing that can swell.
Jason- Wow.... just.. no, like.. no.. wow. I'm done. Goodbye.
Jason walks off in disbelief at the carnage that will be. And heads back up to the freezing cold.
Jason- I'd rather have no balls, then find you a girlfriend.
John- That wasn't called for! I'll have you know that I'm the future APW Champion. You can't talk to me like that!
--
Up at Command
Mr.Gladstone is spinning the Captains wheel wildley as Jason walks into the room. Mr.Gladstone spots him and grabs another beer.
Mr.Gladstone- Glad you could join me Larry.
Jason- The names Jason.
Mr.Gladstone- Yep, you and Billy are quite the bunch. It gets lonely out here at sea for an old man like myself.
Jason- I thought you were in your early twenties?
Mr.Gladstone- Am I? Well damn, what the hell am I doing out here in the middle of nowhere?
Jason- You're drunk, and driving a reconstructed Viking Ship to the North Pole, so my friend can beat the shit out of Santa Clause.
Mr.Gladstone- (Thinks for a second) We're going to need more beer!
Jason- I'm going to need a new job when this is over with.
Mr.Gladstone- Whadda ya say Larry.. you wanna take the wheel?
Jason- WHAT!? NO! The name is Jason for crying out loud. Steer the god damned ship.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah don't worry about, this baby doesn't need directions. She just floats on through the sea.
Jason- I'm pretty sure the Titanic did the same thing. We all know what happened to her.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah you know your ships eh boy?
Jason- Well I know not to die on one. And I know your a drunken Captain that's going to kill us all in our sleep, or drown us.
Mr.Gladstone- Is that what I'm doing out here? Well damn, let me get the Captains log.
Mr.Gladstone walks off with a beer in hand, leaving the wheel spinning around and around. Jason curses under his breath and takes the wheel to straighten out the ship. It may just be the beer, but I could swear he was mumbling something about killing John.
--
The Surprise
John is still in the cabin trying to get some sort of setup going on with his wardrobe. He eventually gives up and does the mannly thing. Tossing his clothes into one big pile and letting them sorts themselves out. The mirror available in the cabin allows him to take a look at himself. His late night drinking habit, and the drug abuse over the years have left him looking alot older then he should. His eyes have bags under them, his hair is unkept. And the goatee he once proudly wore has overgrown itself and looked like he pasted some pubes on his chin. Realizing that Hope Dworaczyk won't date him if he wasn't presentable, he grabs his suitcase and undoes it. From inside he spots a rustling between his jeans, and his shaving kit. Shaking his head he reaches in and pulls out Mr.Wuffles who is gasping for air.
John- Just couldn't resist a trip could ya?
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John- Glad you came, I actually got caught up in this that I forgot about you. No matter, you can take care of yourself these days.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John starts petting Mr.Wuffles as he heads upstairs to find Jason. As he is about to head upstairs, a familiar face falls down them.
John- Gladstone?
Mr.Gladstone- Hey there buckaroo, what's shaking?
John- Uhh.. just looking for my friend.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah he's somewhere. Hey you wanna get drunk?
John- Uhh yeah, about that. I'm uhh.. already drinking and possibly drunk. And by the looks of things so are you. Fuck it though we're a booze cruise.
Mr.Gladstone- HIIIYYOOOOOOOOOOO!
John- Wait..if your down here.. then who... oh shit.. SHIT!
John hands Mr.Wuffles over Mr.Gladstone who pets him. John dashes upwards towards the command center where he expects to find nobody commanding the ship. He is relieved when he bursts into the room and Jason is trying valiently to pilot the ship.
John- Oh.. you've got this under control I see.
Jason- SHUT UP AND HELP ME! That drunken fool is going to kill us.
John- Never been on his ship before eh?
Jason- DID I ASK FOR A DETECTIVE OR DID I ASK FOR SOMEONE TO STEER THIS GOD DAMNED FUCKING SHIP!
John shrugs his shoulders and walks right past Jason, and towards the hull of the ship. Jason is trying to keep a straight line as John blocks his view and presses the button labelled "auto pilot" on the command deck.
John- Relax, we're on auto pilot.
Jason- This isn't a plane!
John- Fuck if I care.. it says auto, it says I'll do the job for you. Come on, we gotta go get drunk. Mr.Wuffles came along.
Jason- Oh great, so now we're going to all die in one stupid idea.
John- Hey, if we die.. we die drunk or sober. You're choice.
Jason-....I really do hate you.
--
Later That Day
After a few beers with the boys, John has gone to the isolated part of the ship where the dope is most likely being stored. Judging from the smell of hashish in the cargo container, we can safely assume John has hit the jackpot. Alas though he has also managed to bring along his personal video recorder to make record his infamous "trash talk". As he enters the room he takes a seat on one of the many wooden crates below deck. Not creating a suspense any longer he turns on his video recorder.
John Green- Fuck.. here I was minding my own business, running rampant over APW, trying to get a title shot. And you two come along over the weeks, and sticking your nose in my business. Yeah, by now we know I'm not just talking about Jason Royce, I'm talking about that shadow that has showed his face to the world. Pence Weatherlight. Pfft, I've already dealt with Jason alot this year. Hell, the only reason I'm even going to bother with this match. Is that Jeff understood me for once and I know Pence and me have never battled. The guys not so bad once you get on the same level as him. We do share a common hatred. And that's for Royce and Level One. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't deserve this shot Pence. I hate the fact that you have just came into this company and you are already wrestling for World Title matches. When someone like me on the other hand has worked his ass off win after win. It bores me. You bore me. Royce bores me. This match though, gives me what I want. A world title shot. It's bullshit that I have to "work" for it now and "earn it" after I've already done that. But hey, when you get screwed out of two title shots, you make the most of it. Beating an egotistical loser like Pence and Royce, well that's just an easy ascention to kicking Level One's ass for my title.
John Green- Let me stick right to the points here. You two and me.. we're not friends. We're not even enemies. You're little pricks in my side that won't go away. Bloodsucking mosquitos that somehow have evaded the fly swatter. You're leeches when it comes to me. You use my name, to boost yourself to main event status. You two walk around here, talking about being a world champion but you've never been one in this company. Talking about how you had it all earlier this year or last year. And now.. you're getting the rewards for it. You're getting a chance to redeem yourself against the man who kicks ass every ring he steps into, no matter what type of shape you two are in. So Jason you attack me. You think in a Triple Threat matchup, that you are better then me. But just like I proved to you In March or February, you can bring your A game. And I can show up drunk as a skunk, smoke a joint, sell a few Mr.Wuffles t-shirts. And still get the win over you. I've said it before JAson and I'll say it again. You were always mid card at best. The fact that you held a title still, is blasphemy. The fact that you will most likely bitch and moan when I do win, is what makes me sick to my stomach.
John Green- Allow me to explain that sentence to your arrogant mind. It goes like this. John here in one corner is arrogant, cocky, a drunk, has a kitten for a manager, and lost a few matches this year. Jason Royce in the other corner is arrogant, cocky, sober, and has had mild sucess this year. While we have Pence who is semi-arrogant, semi-cocky, and hasn't done anything to prove his talent. What's the difference? John backs up the "shit" he talks. Making his arrogance nullified, as it becomes the truth. Making his cockieness not a flaw, but a benefit to him. The drinking is what he calls fun, the kitten is what he calls a money maker. When it comes to beating someones ass he gets the job done. Jason Royce however doesn't back up his arrogance on a consistent basis, pretends to be cocky because he got a few big wins here and there. That's the difference. One man can control his ego, and make it work for him. The other is just to fucking stupid to realize the full picture, and plunges headfirst into ridiculous situations, thus losing money, power, and respect in the long run. And the other man just doesn't belong here at all.
John Green- I've been doing this shit for a long time Royce. Same to you Pence. I'm getting up there in age. I've seen you both around, I've seen you both on top. I've seen you both rock bottom. I've been there though, I've done that. I have single handidly done everything I ever set out to do in APW. I won the APW Championship. I was screwed out of it. But if there's one thing my legacy, and the record books will tell you. It's that I'm always the one who gets the last laugh. I'm always the one who does the final screwing, and rapes people of their dreams. Look at BDC. Retired now. BUT.. he went out before stepping into the spotlight against me in the Survive and Conquer match and I threw him over ending his chances at becoming the World Champ. You can show a direct relationship between him ALMOST getting a title shot, and myself stealing the spotlight from him only to get my spotlight stolen. You ask him.. why weren't you a major title contender here more often? And he'll let you know the truth. John Green was always there to interrupt it. Carnage. Stealing it when I was clearly in a whole entire different match by putting on a great performance. But people like Jason Royce, people like Pence Weatherlight, all the way down to born losers like Streets Wilson. They we're all stopped one by one by me. They all tapped out. They all felt The Headsplitter. They all found themselves outsmarted by me.
John Green- You two are going to be no different. I have every bit of confidence inside myself that I will walk away the Number One Contendor for Level One's title. You guys will never.. ever, get an APW World Heavyweight title shot as long as I'm around. It's mine. It's what I deserve, it's what I have proven I deserve. And it damn sure won't be taken away by a pissant like you. The sneak attacks. They're done with come Wednesday. And your little arrogant and egotistical whining on who is the better man.. comes to an end on Wednesday. You'll find out what everyone already knows. I AM The Real Fuckin' Deal. I CAN back it up. I HAVE backed it up. And I will CONTINUE to rule over APW, until the day I die. That's the truth. Call me a lier, call me a fake, call me a false idol all cracked out speaking nonsense. And fall like the rest of them. Or be smart for once, LISTEN to what I say. And actually learn something about APW. It doesn't belong to the hero. It doesn't belong to the nice guy. It belongs to rich, and powerful assholes like Jeff.. and myself. Ignore it if you want, because at Overdrive, I will beat that into your thick skulls.. and make you realize every single one of ypu guys mistakes. Wednesday, I walk away one step closer to achieving what I shouldn't have lost. The APW... World... Heavyweight..... Champion....ship.
With that John stands up from sitting on the boxes, and grabs his cigarettes before turning off his personal video recorder.
Alcholics R Us pt2
"I don't remember why I came"
John's Log.. May 9th 2009.
How long have I been on this ship? The blackouts, the alchol, the sun sometimes there, sometimes not. It doesn't make sense. Nothing does. I fear we're all going to die here on this ship. Are we even on course to the North Pole? When will we arrive? Will we even arrive? The alchol has dimished our immune system. The smallest germ, could easily infiltrate my body and seriously harm me to the point of death. I think I might have scurvy. The coldness in the air isn't helping either. My sweaters feel three layers to thing. And even our mascot Mr.Wuffles seems to be sick. I think I heard him sneeze earlier today. As I write this though, I fear for the life of our captain. He hasn't been seen in hours, and Jason speculates suicide. I'm beggining to wonder if he's right. If this is all just a mad ship, if we're all slowly losing our minds. Jason had mentioned mutiny earlier, we can't trust the captain anymore. We need to take control of this ship, and find our way back home. Or perhaps even just find some sort of civilized life form. But I fear that my dear friends and I will never get to see home again. Even as I write this, we're slowly falling into our own madness. Jason with his mutiny, the captain with his solitude. And even Mr.Wuffles has spent the better part of the week hiding underneath the bed. It's only a matter of time before one of us kills the other. And with the depleting food source, that may be our only hope.
John finishes writing in his makeshift journal, and brushes back his hair. His eyes appear more sunken then ever as his sleep habits seem to have changed. Being out at sea is known to do this to a man though. The lonliness can become more then any man has ever beared before. Even Robinson Caruso didn't go through this much torture. At least on his island it was only himself to be mad at. There weren't other people around to be wary of. John picks up his cigarettes and lights one up, before looking underneath his bed. Mr.Wuffles lays curled up in a ball, and doesn't even respond to Johns mock kisses. Frustrated with Mr.Wuffles lack of response, John takes another drag from his cigarette and leaves his cabin.
--
Captains Log.. April 10th 2007
They're out there. I can hear them breathing. The savage beasts that have come to take my life, and my cargo. I have sailed these seas for many years, and seen many horror stories come to life. I've battled the giant squids, I've spearheaded the great white shark. I've even taken on the native islanders that disapproved of my existance. But never in all my years have I so calmly allowed a threat to come on board with me. I invite a friend, a trusted ally in my war against humanity. I invite him onto my ship. And he brings along that monster. That spawn of satan. He calls himself Jason, but I see through his fake smile. I see through his slicked back hair. I see through right to his rotten soul. He wants my cargo. He wants my money. And he wants my ship. He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm out to get him. And my only sanctuary is my cabin. But even then, I fear that he will use his monsterous frame to break down my door, and slit my throat from ear to ear. I fear for my safety. And yet, I also fear for my ship. I pray to God that we all get out of here alive. And yet, Satan himself has already intervened. I have not the heart to tell our travellers that we have veered so far off course, that we cannot possibly hope to reach our destination. God save us!
Mr.Gladstone places his captains hat on, and walks towards his door. He peeks out of the eyehole and takes a fisheye view of his surrondings. Not a single person is nearby as he breaths a sigh of relief, and pulls a flask out from his jacket. Taking a long drink, he wipes his beard and closes his eyes to dream of a better time.
--
Jasons Log..April 10th 2007
Mutiny. It's all that's on my mind lately. I've seen it in those classic pirate films. The crew tires of their captain, and thus takes over the ship. Sending him off with his lackey to starve to death. The brutality of it all amuses me. How a bunch of men can get so fed up with rules and regulations that they send the owner to a certain death. It reminds me of Wrestling. It reminds me of my once dear friend John. He brought me here. He knew of the hell involved. But yet he persisted in bringing me here. The captain of this ship is a raving lunatic. A drunkard that belongs in the gutter with his box of wine. John is no different. Drinking like a fish until the only thing he can remember is his hangover. Yet he stands tall. He stands on top of APW, and on top of this ship. I know what he's planning. With his cunningness, and his arrogance. He wants this ship for himself. He wants the weed down below to himself. He wants to assasinate the fictional Santa Clause by himself. I'm just there to blame things on. I'm getting sick of it all. Being second fiddle to a kitten. Playing the sacraficial lamb to his opponents. And still, I stay with him for the money. The arrogant jackass of APW, at least keeps to one thing and one thing only. When he says he'll pay you x amount of money, he damn sure cuts the cheque. It's funny. I was once like him. Sitting on the battlefield, always anxious to assasinate the next traitor. Only to find myself having to learn patience behind the barrel of a sniper rifle. It's a different feeling that's for sure. Being numb from the cold of Russia, and not caring. Being able to stay perfectly still in your maketshift cover, just watching the world through one eye. Zoomed in on the footprints of people gone by. Just waiting, waiting for that one moment when your finger instinctly pulls the trigger and ends another humans life. I'm still waiting to pull that trigger. I'm still the accomplish and reason that everything is functioning well these days. I fear my own death lately though. As much as I'd love to continue waiting for the wolves head to pop up. I've got to make a move before it's to late. I went outside today and thought about it. According to the stars above.. it must be our third day at sea. Maybe even more. Our alchol supply has been deminshed, and horded by the captain. John has been seen wandering around talking about nonsense lately. Am I the only rational human being on this ship? My gun says yes. But my mind says do not spill innocent blood. Either way, I have to do what I have to do.
Jason walks away from his writing, and rubs the gunk out of his eyes. He has been awake for far to long, but any sort of rest is not an option. While the mental war rages on outside his doors. Jason angrily grabs his suitcase from underneath his bed and opens it up. He pulls out his 9mm pistol and cocks it back. Making sure it's loaded, he points it at the mirror and lowers it. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, he heads towards his door. Wrenching it open, and walking down the hallway towards the captains cabin, he can be seen with a look of anger on his face.
--
Jason stands with his pistol cocked in the middle of a long hallway. He's just outside of Captain Gladstones door, when John comes running down the same hallway, waving around a gun as well.
John- JASON!
Jason instinctvly points the gun towards John and stops him dead in his tracks. John throws his arms in the air and look at Jason.
John- Dude.. just relax. It's me. Johno. You're buddy ol' pal.
Jason- Don't get in my way. I've gotta do what I gotta do.
John- What do you have to do?
Jason- Put a bullet in Gladstones head.
John curses under his breath as he points his gun at Jasons head.
John- I can't let you do that.
Jason- Oh yeah? What makes you think you can stop me?
John- He's a friend Jason. One of us. One of you, one of me.
Jason- Just because he sells dope doens't make us one.
John- He's doing us the favour man. I can't let you kill my friend.
Jason- You don't have the balls to kill me.
John- I gotta do what I gotta do. Just as you said.
Jason- Then pull the trigger. What are you waiting for?
John- Just put your gun down man. We'll be arriving soon.
Jason- You said that days ago. I'm hungry. Tired. And hungover.
John- Then have a rest. Eat some rations. Just don't kill the only man who can save us from our death.
Jason- If I have to be the only man surviving on this ship. Then I will.
John- LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You're talking like a madman.
Jason- Madman have never been so rational. I know what I gotta do. And I'll be damned if you stand in my way.
Just then the door to Mr.Gladstones cabin opens up, and the familiar sound of a pistol being cocked back can be heard.
Mr.Gladstone- Looks like we got ourselves a problem.
Jason swings his arms around and points his gun at Mr.Gladstones head.
John- DON'T DO IT!
Jason- ...
Mr.Gladstone- You wanna kill me boy? Do it now.
Jason- Give me one damn reason why I shouldn't pull the trigger. You fuckin' drunk son of a bitch.
John- I'll give you one good reason. You'll go to jail for murder.
Jason- Or I'll die on this drunken idiots ship.
John- We're not going to die man. We might starve for a few days, we might become delerious. We might indeed come close to death. But we can't die.
Jason- The world doesn't bend to your logic John.
John- I can't die. Not when everything I've ever wanted is so close to me. Put the gun down. Both of you.
Mr.Gladstone- My gun stays where it is.
Jason- Then so does mine.
John- SHIT! Another Mexican standoff.
--
Flashback to Mexico.
The scene is just a flashback scene inside of Johns head. A porterican, a mexican, and a priest all stand around together with guns to each other heads.
Priest- Well at least God will save me.
Porterican- I'm not really Porterican!
Mexican- Que Pasa!
Suddenly everyones gun goes off, and they all fall down dead.
--
Back to The Mexican Standoff
John- We're all going to die!
Jason- Only one of us will die.
John- You pull that trigger, I've got no other option.
Jason- It would be worth it.. just to see this son of a bitch die.
John- Look man. I know you may not like him. And yeah, he's got a drinking problem.
Mr.Gladstone- It's not a problem, it's a gift.
John- Shut up Gladstone.
Mr.Gladstone- ...
John- Now look. We got a shitload of weed underneath our feet. We smoke a little bit of it, we all get high. We all get through this shit. Doesn't anyone remember why we're even here!
Jason- We're.. heading somewhere, to do something.
Mr.Gladstone- The tooth fairy steals my weed, so I'm running away.
John- Yep.. we've all past the point of logic. So surprise surprise. I'm the only one who makes sense. We're headed on a sea voyage because we've never done something like this. Mr.Gladstone needs to deliver some weed to the Columbians so they don't kill him. And Jason.. you and I are trying to establish an alcholics annoymous country, where people like Mr.Gladstone can come to seek refuge from their angry wifes. Along the way we gotta overthrow Santa Clause. Not sure how that's going to work.
Jason- That's... bullshit.
John- And so is you committing murder on this ship.
Jason begins to lower his gun, as Mr.Gladstone lowers his. John keeps his aimed at Jasons head.
John- Now just relax, and put those guns on the ground.
BANG!
Suddenly a gunshot goes off, and Jason drops to the ground clutching his right knee.
BANG! BANG!
Both John and Gladstone both fall down clutching their knees. As John falls down, a familiar puffball emerges. The kitten known as Mr.Wuffles, who holds the smoking gun.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John curses under his breath as he clutches his leg and blacks out from the pain.
--
Unknown Hours Later
John blinks his eyes rapidly as the entire boat comes into focus. He spots the wooden walls, and the blood pool of blood on the ground. His knee has some pain in it, but the bullet seems to have only grazed the outskirts of it. Jason still lays on the ground unconscious, as John limps over to him.
John- I'm sorry buddy.. I didn't expect any of this.
Mr.Gladstone is slowly waking up as John limps on over to him.
John- You alright?
Mr.Gladstone- My leg.. I can't move it.
John- You'll be fine in a few hours. It's just a small wound. Jason still hasn't waken up.
Mr.Gladstone- Who shot me?
John- A small kitten, I saw him with the gun before I blacked out.
Mr.Gladstone- Son of a bitch....
John- No.. he's our saviour. Had we stayed in our standstill, we'd all be dead. I learned something today.
Mr.Gladstone- I learned what it's like to get shot.
John- Well, I learned what it's like to choose your friends. It's hard. Painstaking even. There isn't many people I trust with my life.. but you've always been there for me. And yet.. so has Jason. I feel bad. I feel bad for siding with you, instead of respecting both of your points of view.
Mr.Gladstone- Help me up.
John nods his head in agreement, as he wipes away a tear. Helping Mr.Gladstone to his feet, he lets him go to stand up on his own. Holding the doorway to stand up, Mr.Gladstone nods towards John, who smacks Jasons face a little bit, and awakens him.
Jason- Ugh.. where.. what..
John- Relax. You're safe and sound buddy.
Jason- What....happened?
Realizing the problems that could arise from Jason becoming angry, John decides to tell a little white lie.
John- You were tired and passed out. We were worried about you buddy.
Jason- My leg.. it stings with pain.
John- Yeah, you fell on it pretty baddly. Now, this is going to sound silly. But umm.. could you remove the bullets from my leg and Mr.Gladstones?
Jason- What? Bullets?
John- Yeah, I shot myself by accident. And the bullets richocheted into Gladstone.
Jason- Fuck.. sit down and I'll fix it. Give me a pair of scissors, tweezers, and an eyeglass. Anyone have a needle and thread?
Mr.Gladstone- Indeed I do. Fix us up sir.
Jason sighs from Johns supposed stupidity, as Mr.Gladstone goes to retrieve the items needed.
--
Jason is finishing up sewing John's wounds together, and telling him to quit being a bitch, as John winces in pain.
John- I can't help it man, I don't remove bullets on a daily basis.
Jason- Heh.. you're lucky I'm around then.
As Jason closes the wound, the ship seems to strike something solid, as everyone lurches forward.
John- What the hell was that?
Mr.Gladstone- Land my friend. We've hit land!
Everyone looks at each other for a split second, before running towards the front of the ship. They have indeed finally landed at their destination. Hitting a patch of ice, their ship has made it's own harbour on the shores of the North Pole. John grabs his makeshift flag with AA written on it, and runs outside to firmly plant it into the snow.
John- I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! WHOOOOOOOOO!
Jason- Relax John, not like you just climbed Mount Everest.
John- We'll do that next week.
Jason- The hell we will. I'd rather go take over the tropics. Now hurry up, I wanna go home.
John- We gotta find that son of a bitch Santa Clause first.
Jason- Alright well.. we only have about 8 hours to look for him. Then we gotta get going.
John- Shit...Gladstone. You still got that helicopter?
Mr.Gladstone- If by helicopter you mean that two man dust cropter I have. Then yes.
John- Yeah yeah, that thing. Can you fly it?
Mr.Gladstone- I don't know.. never really flown drunk before. Mr.Gladstone pulls out his flask again and takes a swig.
Jason- What model is it?
Mr.Gladstone- C something.
Jason- C 236 Dust Cropter?
Mr.Gladstone- Sure.. why not.
Jason- I'll fly it. But here's the deal. I saved your life, so we get to keep it until we get back to Calgary.
Mr.Gladstone- Alright..
Jason- So where is it?
Mr.Gladstone- Well.. pulls out a compass About.. 50 yards to your left. There's a storage shed.
Jason- What the hell is a storage shed doing out in the middle of nowhere?
Mr.Gladstone- Well, to be honest. I didn't really put us on a straight course. So we're off by 50 yards. It's mine. And it's got alot of cool shit in there. Harpoons, crop dusters, rope. I think there's even a few sweaters for ya there.
Jason- (sighs Grab Mr.WUffles) Let's start walking boys. Left foot, right foot.
John- Left foot..right foot..left foot..right foot.
--
Finally arriving at the supposed shack, Jason had wheeled out the small crop duster. It looks like it's about to fall apart any minute know, as he spins the propeller to start it up. John jumps into the cockpit and places Mr.Wuffles on his lap, while Jason takes the controls.
Jason- Alrighty then.. we're.. going to either die, or go really fast, really soon.
Taking the controls, Jason starts the plane moving, and finally pulls up. He gets it off the ground a few inches, and grips the controls tightly. Finally the plane rises some more, and levels out.
John- WHOOOOOOO!
Jason- That was only part one man. Keep your eye out for a big fat guy riding a reindeer.
--
John and Jason are in their 7th hour of searching for Santa, and Jason has grown very tired.
Jason- We should just call it a day man. We don't have long before the sun drops. If we leave now, we'll make it back home in time for the bar.
John- NO.. we have to keep searching. I know he's out here.
Jason- It's not like we're going to stumble upon some magical giant castle, with elves running around, and flying reindeer.
John- Then what's that ahead of us?
Jason nearly has a heart attack as he looks down below and spots a bunch of elves running around an ice castle.
Jason- I don't fucking believe this!
John- Land this piece of shit. It's time we go hog tie Santa and show him who's boss.
--
Jason has parked the plane nearby, as John and him start hauling some rope behind them. Mr.Wuffles trots along with them, meowing quietly. One of the elves comes running over to them, and tries to say hello. But finds himself punted out of the way by Jasons boot.
John- Elf punter? Never figured you the kind.
Jason- I hate midgets. They annoy me.
John- Well, explains everything.
John and Jason continue punting elves out of the way until the spot a fat man in a red suit, tending to some reindeer.
John- Hey Santa!
The fat man turns around and with a jolly ho ho, and a twinkle in his eye. He waves at John.
Santa- Why hello John. What can I do for you?
John stares stunned at Santa for a brief second.
John- Umm.. I just wanted to rename the North Pole to Alcholics Annoymous.
Santa- Well ho ho. I can certaintly do that for you.
John- Can I get a shiny red bike for Christmas to? You never gave it to me when I was five.
Santa- Why I'm pretty sure I did. Santa doesn't make mistakes you know. If memory serves me correct, you sold the bike to little Timmy Turner.
John- No.. I stole his bike, and sold it back to him saying it was mine.
Santa- Ho ho.. Santa must have got the wrong house then. That was really your bike.
John- Well.. this is awkward.
Santa- And what about you Jason? What can an old man do for you?
Jason- Get me the hell out of here.
With a snap of his fingers, Santa calls his reindeer over.
Santa- Get the Apache Helicopter out of storage for our friends over here.
Jason- The Apache? I asked for that when I was 12 years old.
Santa- You certaintly did, and it's been waiting for you ever since.
John- Wait a minute. Aren't we naughty children?
Santa- Ho ho, all children are good. That's just a lie your parents tell you so you'll be good.
John- Well.. damn it. Someone should have told me. To be honest.. I was gonna hog tie you and beat you up.
Santa- Ho ho.. come visit me here anytime John. Alcholics Annoymous welcomes you with open arms.
Defeated by kindness, John shakes his head and relcutantly follows the elves to the awaiting Apache helicopter, that Jason is going to fly home.
John- I can't believe this shit. We came all this way, and didn't get into one single fight.
Jason- I think the real moral of the story is within ourselves. We almost came to killing each other, over our own desires. I learned something today.
Cue "Moral Learning" Music.
Jason- I learned that without controlling my anger, that I could potentially lead myself into trouble.
John- I learned never to travel more then 500 miles at a time, or else it gets pretty boring. Oh, and to stop renaming shit.
Jason- So.. this isn't so bad then. We get a free ride home, and we learned stuff.
John- And that makes us unstoppable.
Jason- And remember kids knowing is only half the battle!
John- BUT KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
GI JOEEEEEEE!
--
Back in Ontario Canada, John is enjoying his first beer in many hours, while having a cigarette. Mr.Wuffles is asleep in his bed, and Jason is writing in his memoirs. John turns on his personal recorder, and smiles at the camera.
John- Jason Royce and Pence Weatherlight. The arrogant sons of bitches who doesn't know when to learn their lesson. Haven't I taught you twoanything in the last two weeks? Hate me. Love me. Disrespect me. It doesn't matter.. you'll still get your ass beat by me. I'm a man without morals for fucks sake. Did you actually think that by sneak attacking me Jason that I would fall? That you could possibly make an impact against a legend like myself? A gambling man would even say no to those odds. You're impact on that Overdrive.. could be compared to the yelp of a wounded dog. You made a sacrafice that night. You sacraficed everything you worked so hard to put together this year. You sacraficed your impressive resume of legit wins, and tag title defenses. All because you wanted more. Becase your growing ego is slowly dissaperating from what is reality. You actually believe that you could hang in the leagues of The Real Fuckin Deal' John Green. Granted one could make such an argument. People like Level One.. Slade.. Shadow. They could hang with me. They could make arguments as well. That possibly they to could hang with me. But throw a loser like you in the ring with a godlike specimen such as myself. And you got what the people down south would call "one hell of an ass whoppin'" But you'll never learn. Jason, you can't admit when you're beat. You stoop so low as to hurl petty insults at me. Insults about my intelligence level. At the manner I do business in. And possibly even the drug and alchol abuse. You pick on the same shit that everyone else out there thinks is my downfall. It's seriously depressing hear it every week. But Jason I've felt that I've stood on you for too long. See Pence may not deserve this shot as of yet but I won't count him out of this match. Pence may not be a main eventer here as of yet but we all know it's a matter of time before Pence opens his mouth and lets the world know he will be on his way to the title in this match.
John- Now don't get me wrong Pence. You haven't really said anything yet. But you feel that you must come to APW and get a guaranteed World Title Shot. I mean seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? Some Goliath mother fucker from a solar star system? This is APW. This is my fuckin' home. This is the place where I will snap your ankle in laugh, and gloat about it next week. This is the place where sneak attacks are as common as herpes on a hooker. As our title suggests. This is only place where one man can go and really think he's supreme. But as history shows. This is the place that I go.. when I want to reign supreme. New YEars Retribution.. 2009. Admist all the chaost. Admist all the critics. Admist then all. I prevailed. And in great fashion. Everyone knows I never TRULY won the match. But alas, I did what no other man has ever done. I almost took out Level One hadn't he gotten lucky. But history continues. Rassle Mania V 2009. I lost the right to call myself the true champion of APW when Shadow defeated me for the Overdrive title whe I could have become APW's first Grand Slam Champion. But I earned the respect of many when I gave him the fight of a lifetime. Fearing loss of stardome. I also I did what no other man will ever do again. I united the three men with bigger egos then myself. I created three superstars that night. New YEars Retribution 2008. I did what nobody thought possible. I legitametly won the APW Heavyweight Title. I caused the biggest increase in ratings, since my own debut. I generated more money then ever for APW. And I did things one way. My way.
John- This Wednesday might not be a PPV, but it's just another page in history nonetheless. I will replicate the night I became champion. When win number uno, became Johns claim to fame. Sure Jason and Pence, You've bitched, you've moaned. You've trashed my name. And now you've finally gotten what you two wanted. A shot at the APW Championship. But unfortunatly for you. One man, and a kitten stand in your way. I've proven over the last two weeks, that I pick my spots and take my shots. And whether that shot is rum, or a direct punch to the jaw, you know I'm always on my A game. You can hit me with everything you've got. And I'll still prevail. I'll still go on to face Level One for the APW Championship. But let's stay rational for just one moment. What if.. what if I don't win? What if you really do go on to face Level One for the APW Championship? What then guys? I'll let you know, since it's the question that will haunt you forever. Level One will whip either of your asses from one end of the ring to the other. He'll pin you in fashion. And laugh at you for the rest of eternity. He will never..ever... let you forget when he beat you, how he beat you, and why he beat you. The odds aren't in your favour. The gambling men have already predicted the landslide victory of John Green being the future APW Champion. And when the smoke clears, and the dust settles. There will be one name that APW never forgets. He will always be the measuring stick for the rookies, and he will go down in history as THE GREATEST.. APW..CHAMPION.. and his name, sending chills down your spine, is The Retributon Kileer, John Green. Who will forever be known for being one thing. The Real... Fuckin'...Deal.
(Sorry I had to delete a whole fucking scene cause of the word limit)
The Trash Talk Of Trash Talks
John- What a week, what a week, what a week. God damn I've been busy. And yet, it only gets busier. This Wednesday.. live in front of thousands of ticket holders. I get the chance to reclaim immortality. It's well documented by now that I have a number one contenders match. And everyone knows that it's against Jason "The Jobber" Royce and Pence Weatherlight. The underdog of APW, and the overrated newcomer. The man that nobody would have ever thought could reach the main event status and the man that should have never reached main event status so fast. Uhh.. wait. That's a lie. Not main event status. But rather.. World Championship status. Granted they still have a long way to go. And then solidify themselves as more then just a paper champion. But none the less, they've made it farther then anyone would have ever guessed. Congrats Royce who needs it even more than Pence. You proved a few critics wrong. (golf clap) Do you feel special?
John- No.. I'm serious. Do you feel superior? Does it make you feel good inside knowing that someone else was wrong, and you.. you were right. How does that make you feel? I bet you feel proud inside. Accomplished even. Feeling like you can take on the world. That you can beat anyone. It's a great feeling. It's how I live every single day of my life. But.. I back it up. I back it up each and every week, when I go out there to the ring. And prove.. I'm everything you ever wanted to be. And then some. I'm everything the fans wanted to be. Hell.. I'm everything your parents wished you were. Some could argue that. Hell, alot of people argue it. Alot of people try and put me down for that statement. Saying things like "I'm better then you." and "I'd kill myself if I was you." Ya know. .the petty insults. The things I can just brush off and ignore. I've proven time and time again, that I am everything I say I am. So what makes it any different? Ya know. Logically, until proven wrong. I'm right.
John- But.. there are a few settle problems between you and I. There's that problem of egos. The excuses of.. who really is the better man. On one hand, I hold a singles win over you. I pinned you 1..2..3. And some could say things like "but he beat you a couple of weeks later," and "he wasn't at 100 percent that night if he beat you later that month." And those are quite valid arguments. But two can play that game. You see.. you hold a win over me. Not a regular win though. A win that was fluked. But regardless a win. So we're tied.. as far I know. Maybe we can count tag team wins for everything a man does. I prefer singles competition. You can do what you choose. I brush it off like dirt on my shoulder. But that night.. when Shadow pinned me. Well..that taught me a little something about myself. I'm.. I'm evil. Not in the satanic devil worshipping way. But in the way people react to me. I can accept defeat in the ring that night.. because I know deep down inside. I really won the war. I turned him into everything he ever hated. Whether he knew it or not. Or whether he pretends to enjoy it. Does not matter to me. A man does not change overnight, unless something inside him has gone wrong. I've seen it before.
John- Small things like that. I can pick up on. I notice them. Alot of people just think I'm cracked out and talking nonsense. But the odd person understands. The odd person uses logic to follow a paper trail, rather then follow a wild goose hunt. That's where I excel around here. And that's what alot of people forget about me. I may be this drug dealing, alcholic, kitten owning, cocky ass mother fucker. But.. I'm also a great wrestler. I do what I gotta do, just to get ahead. I don't always play fair, and I don't show remorse for my actions. I do what gets me a title. And I do that through logic. Where as.. you Jason. Let me stop focusing on you. Where as... you and Pence. You two jump through every hoop, get past every obstacle, and climb the mountain. Only to find me blocking your paths, ready to throw you two back down to the bottom. That's the best analogy I can give you guys at this time. I take the shortcuts. I take the helicopters to the top. I let my wealth rule over my surrondings. I don't exert energy that could be used in the future. I don't burn myself out so to speak. There's a little known John fact for ya. The Headsplitter is called that, not for it's drug reference alone, but for the feeling of it. The tired and weak state of mind. The lack of will to move, but rather stay where you are. I don't get that feeling. I don't get the feeling of just "crashing" and "calling it a day." My party life, as much shameful publicity as it gives me. Is the prime reason why I can go the distance in a wrestling ring. My weaknesses as they seem, are really just my strengths. The endurance you need to party all night long, is intense. Not every man can do it. The drug abuse.. is the constant feeling of being burnt out for many years. Waking up tired, and not doing anything. That passed long ago. The hangovers.. the ability to adjust to your surrondings when it may seem unbearable.
John- These are the little things you two seem to forget about me. These are the things that may seem irrational to some, and stupid to others. But to those who can understand what I do. And why I do it. It only seems logical. You never see me shedding tears over broken friends, and broken hearts. I'm usually the one instigating them. You never see me focusing on to many issues at one time. I know what it does to a man. Instead. You get what you see. A rude and arrogant man, that has one goal.. and vows to achieve that goal. This Wednesday.. you can get get crazy all you want. You can throw everything you've got at me. And I'll still get up. I'll still fight. I'll still give you everything inside of me. And in the end. We'll have a great match. But as we both know. When there can be only one or two.. there can be only two losers. I'm not a loser. I don't take well to losing. And I don't ever plan on it. I want the APW Championship. I want the gold around my waist. I want the power and seductive look of it back. I want to be number one... in a world where number two, just doesn't cut it. And I will do that. If I could make any suggestion to you two. Repent now. Get blessed by a priest. Because this Wednesday.. I'm going to hell with you guys, and you will be left there.. all alone. In a sea of despair, and problems.. that will consume you two's very soul, and leave you shattered..broken.. and torn. There is nothing more I can do to you, that you won't do to yourself. I'm just the straw that's going to break the camels back. I'll see you on Overdrive.
With that, John takes his final drag from his cigarette, and turns off his personal record.
-End Rp-
--
The scene opens up with John sipping on a Budweiser beer, and leafing through an old Playboy Magazine next to a old friend of High school, Jason Alexander. He stops on a picture of Hope Dworaczyk and rotates the magazine into several positions.
John- What do you think?
Jason- About what?
John- Hope Dworaczyk .
Jason- She's nice.. has boobs. She's hot.. I'd fuck her. Well if she wasn't pregnant or whatever
John- I'm thinking of dating her.
Jason- Mhm.. and she's going to say no.
John- How come?
Jason- Well my first guess would be that she's in a relationship with Jason Kidd. I think. My second guess would be that she's pregnant with Jason's baby. Or my third guess would be because you treated all your past girlfriends like shit. Always got drunk and stoned, used them for sex. And tried to buy their love when things failed.
John- Oh.. what if I was APW Champion though?
Jason- Then maybe, women do like men in power.
John- Hmmm, I think I'm going to ask her out then.
Jason- Remind me to get the video camera when you do. I want to replay her smacking you over and over. Slow motion rocks.
John- Ya know, you're a real asshole sometimes.
Jason- Coming from the whole ass, that's a compliment.
John- Touche, but I shall get the lady.
Jason- Well, good luck. Maybe she'll cheat on you with me, and we can all be one big happy disfunctional family. You, me, the girl, and the pussy.
John- Where is he anyways?
Jason- Nap time, I gave him some catnip earlier.
John- Fuckin' burnout kittens. Ah well, as long as he's out. What's on our agenda?
Jason- We got an entire week off, I'd just imagine we'd get drunk and cause some shit.
John- Nah, we did that last month. Let's think of something fun to do.
Jason- Hmm..
--
An Idea?
Mr.Wuffles sits on Jasons lap as he reads him the classic tale of Puss in Boots.
Jason- -Direct Quote- "I have further been told," said the cat, "that you can also transform yourself into the smallest of animals, for example, a rat or a mouse. But I can scarcely believe that. I must admit to you that I think that that would be quite impossible."
"Impossible!" cried the ogre. "You shall see!"
He immediately changed himself into a mouse and began to run about the floor. As soon as the cat saw this, he fell upon him and ate him up.
Mr.Wuffles- Purrrrrrr!
Jason- And that is why you will one day become the king of the world. You're cunning cuteness will one day win everyone over.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
--
Back In The Real World
Jason- Yeah I got nothing.
John- Well.. there's gotta be something two handsome rich fuckers like us can do. I think I got an idea.
Jason- Uh oh!
--
Later that Evening
John is on his cell phone with his credit card out, and has a huge smile on his face.
John- Yes, we will be there tomorrow morning. ..... Mhm, yeah I do understand what I just bought. .... ok well.. see you tommorrow Mr.Gladstone.
John hangs up his cell phone and looks at Jason.
John- Well, tommorrow we set sail.
Jason- And what are we doing again?
John- sigh I'll explain when we get there.
With that John grabs a suitcase, his jackets, and a bunch of sweaters. Trying to walk with them all, he scurries out the door leaving Jason looking on in confusion.
Jason- Fuckin' crackhead.
--
The Next Morning.
John is wearing a sweater as he stands close to a harbor that has a strong wind coming off of it. Jason is wearing one of Johns old shirts that seems to be way to small for him. He tries to pull his jacket closer in, but fails to do so as the jacket itself has become to small.
Jason- Damn it John, what the hell are we doing here?
John- Relax, he's going to be here soon.
Jason- Yeah, I'll relax when my balls don't feel like they're going to fall off.
John- Pssh, not like you use them much.
Jason- What did you just say? Balls fist.
John- Just saying man, for a guy your size you should win more matches. I guess that's why your beloved indy fed fired you. I wouldn't need you in tag matches.
Jason- Well for an ego your size, you shouldn't need me.
John- That's besides the point. Your balls have no effect on my ego.
Jason- I've knocked out bigger men then you for saying less.
John- But I sign your paycheque, so let it slide big man. I was actually raising your testosterome.
Jason unballs his fist and realizes that his short spurt of anger has indeed caused his blood to flow faster, and thus warm him.
Jason- Stop thinking you know everything.
John- I come from Georgia eh, we drink beer and get high all day.
Jason- I come from Mother Russia, we let your blood spill over our white tundra.
John- Then stop complaining of the cold. You're from America. Snow frightens you.
Jason- ...
John- Eh!
As John smirks a little from his spurt of being clever, a ship can be seen in the horizon. It has the full blown sails, and is wooden. And resembles an old school Viking War Ship.
Jason- What... the...
John- That's our boy. I guess now I'll let you know where we're going.
Jason- Oh.. I would love to hear this one explained somewhat rationally.
John- We're going to the North Pole to overthrow Santa, and claim it as our own country.
Jason- Umm...
John- Relax, I got it covered. We're calling it Alcholics Annonymous.
Jason- Why?
John- Cause when Hope Dworaczyk tells me I need to go to AA, we can go hang out with some midgets. I betcha the girl ones give great blowjobs.
Jason- You are by far, the most..... God you're fucked.
The ship begins to pull into the harbour as Jason shakes his head from side to side. John however is all smiles as he waves at the Captain who looks to have been drinking a few to many.
John- That's our Captain. Call him Mr.Gladstone. An old friend of mine, we used to run dope on this thing.
Jason- Please tell me we're not doing a drug run. I don't want to go to jail over this shit.
John- Pfft, you act like I'm an amatuer. We've got a scanner on there, we'll smoke the shit before the cops even pick us up.
Jason- Yeah... about that whole smoking a boatload of dope. I don't think we'd get through the first ounce.
John- You wouldn't. But fuck if I'm not up for the challenge. Just relax man, we're not running the dope. He might be, but I don't know shit about shit.
Jason- God.. I swear man, if you get me in any more shit..
John- No.. don't give me this crap Jason. What did we do last year? What did we do the year before? The same old shit. Liven it up a little. Besides, I've always wanted to see some elves.
Jason-...
John- What?
Jason- SANTA CLAUSE DOESN'T EXIST!
John- Oh yeah? THEN WHY DID I GET A SHINY RED BIKE ON MY 8th BIRTHDAY!
Jason- ..... CAUSE YOUR DAD STOLE IT FROM THE KIDS NEXT DOOR!
John- LIES AND DECEIT! plugs ears LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
Jason- ... children.
John runs away from Jason and climbs aboard the viking ship, where Mr.Gladstone is waiting for him. Beer in hand the two clink bottles together and chug them back. Jason gets on the boat with a worried look on his face, as Mr.Gladstone shakes his hand and gives him a beer.
Jason- More alchol?
John- Don't worry man, we're going to AA when we're done. HA that was clever.
Jason- Dear God.. we don't talk much, but please.. kill me now. Amen!
John- I am God moron. Now set sail Gladstone, we're headed for the North Mother Fuckin' Pole!
Mr.Gladstone lets out a drunken burp and starts steering the boat away from the harbour. The hull of the ship actually injures one of the harbours posts, as Mr.Gladstone turns the massive ship around. Jason is practically in disbelief as he realizes that the possibility of death, being arrested, or losing his balls have now become a reality.
--
Onwards to AA
John and Jason are now below deck in their cabins, which is a nice surprise for Jason. The two of them will be sharing a cabin with a bunkbed, that has the living space of a closet.
John- I can't believe we get a room.
Jason- I think I'm going to live here for awhile.
John- Why?
Jason- Cause I can feel my balls. I've never been so thankful to hold them in my hands. Cept for that time a rattlesnake bit me in the thigh.
John- You got bit by a rattlesnake?
Jason- Yeah, we went out hunting one day and I was going all CIA on my buddies. Was hiding out in some tall grass, waiting for a buck to come back. Turns out a rattlesnake is faster then I thought. I heard it, but then I felt it before I could move.
John- And it almost bit off your dick?
Jason- Nah, son of a bitch aimed for the meat. Kind of glad for that.
John- Think Hope Dworaczyk will aim for my meat. Wink wink.
Jason- Nope. Not a chance in hell.
John- That's why we're a match made in heaven. That was so clever. I should write that down in our poem.
Jason- You do realize your becoming a borderline stalker to a woman who doesn't even like you or know you.
John- How's this for a starter? Roses are red, violets are blue, I've been admiring you. I haven't a chance in hell. But my ego isn't the only thing that can swell.
Jason- Wow.... just.. no, like.. no.. wow. I'm done. Goodbye.
Jason walks off in disbelief at the carnage that will be. And heads back up to the freezing cold.
Jason- I'd rather have no balls, then find you a girlfriend.
John- That wasn't called for! I'll have you know that I'm the future APW Champion. You can't talk to me like that!
--
Up at Command
Mr.Gladstone is spinning the Captains wheel wildley as Jason walks into the room. Mr.Gladstone spots him and grabs another beer.
Mr.Gladstone- Glad you could join me Larry.
Jason- The names Jason.
Mr.Gladstone- Yep, you and Billy are quite the bunch. It gets lonely out here at sea for an old man like myself.
Jason- I thought you were in your early twenties?
Mr.Gladstone- Am I? Well damn, what the hell am I doing out here in the middle of nowhere?
Jason- You're drunk, and driving a reconstructed Viking Ship to the North Pole, so my friend can beat the shit out of Santa Clause.
Mr.Gladstone- (Thinks for a second) We're going to need more beer!
Jason- I'm going to need a new job when this is over with.
Mr.Gladstone- Whadda ya say Larry.. you wanna take the wheel?
Jason- WHAT!? NO! The name is Jason for crying out loud. Steer the god damned ship.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah don't worry about, this baby doesn't need directions. She just floats on through the sea.
Jason- I'm pretty sure the Titanic did the same thing. We all know what happened to her.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah you know your ships eh boy?
Jason- Well I know not to die on one. And I know your a drunken Captain that's going to kill us all in our sleep, or drown us.
Mr.Gladstone- Is that what I'm doing out here? Well damn, let me get the Captains log.
Mr.Gladstone walks off with a beer in hand, leaving the wheel spinning around and around. Jason curses under his breath and takes the wheel to straighten out the ship. It may just be the beer, but I could swear he was mumbling something about killing John.
--
The Surprise
John is still in the cabin trying to get some sort of setup going on with his wardrobe. He eventually gives up and does the mannly thing. Tossing his clothes into one big pile and letting them sorts themselves out. The mirror available in the cabin allows him to take a look at himself. His late night drinking habit, and the drug abuse over the years have left him looking alot older then he should. His eyes have bags under them, his hair is unkept. And the goatee he once proudly wore has overgrown itself and looked like he pasted some pubes on his chin. Realizing that Hope Dworaczyk won't date him if he wasn't presentable, he grabs his suitcase and undoes it. From inside he spots a rustling between his jeans, and his shaving kit. Shaking his head he reaches in and pulls out Mr.Wuffles who is gasping for air.
John- Just couldn't resist a trip could ya?
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John- Glad you came, I actually got caught up in this that I forgot about you. No matter, you can take care of yourself these days.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John starts petting Mr.Wuffles as he heads upstairs to find Jason. As he is about to head upstairs, a familiar face falls down them.
John- Gladstone?
Mr.Gladstone- Hey there buckaroo, what's shaking?
John- Uhh.. just looking for my friend.
Mr.Gladstone- Ah he's somewhere. Hey you wanna get drunk?
John- Uhh yeah, about that. I'm uhh.. already drinking and possibly drunk. And by the looks of things so are you. Fuck it though we're a booze cruise.
Mr.Gladstone- HIIIYYOOOOOOOOOOO!
John- Wait..if your down here.. then who... oh shit.. SHIT!
John hands Mr.Wuffles over Mr.Gladstone who pets him. John dashes upwards towards the command center where he expects to find nobody commanding the ship. He is relieved when he bursts into the room and Jason is trying valiently to pilot the ship.
John- Oh.. you've got this under control I see.
Jason- SHUT UP AND HELP ME! That drunken fool is going to kill us.
John- Never been on his ship before eh?
Jason- DID I ASK FOR A DETECTIVE OR DID I ASK FOR SOMEONE TO STEER THIS GOD DAMNED FUCKING SHIP!
John shrugs his shoulders and walks right past Jason, and towards the hull of the ship. Jason is trying to keep a straight line as John blocks his view and presses the button labelled "auto pilot" on the command deck.
John- Relax, we're on auto pilot.
Jason- This isn't a plane!
John- Fuck if I care.. it says auto, it says I'll do the job for you. Come on, we gotta go get drunk. Mr.Wuffles came along.
Jason- Oh great, so now we're going to all die in one stupid idea.
John- Hey, if we die.. we die drunk or sober. You're choice.
Jason-....I really do hate you.
--
Later That Day
After a few beers with the boys, John has gone to the isolated part of the ship where the dope is most likely being stored. Judging from the smell of hashish in the cargo container, we can safely assume John has hit the jackpot. Alas though he has also managed to bring along his personal video recorder to make record his infamous "trash talk". As he enters the room he takes a seat on one of the many wooden crates below deck. Not creating a suspense any longer he turns on his video recorder.
John Green- Fuck.. here I was minding my own business, running rampant over APW, trying to get a title shot. And you two come along over the weeks, and sticking your nose in my business. Yeah, by now we know I'm not just talking about Jason Royce, I'm talking about that shadow that has showed his face to the world. Pence Weatherlight. Pfft, I've already dealt with Jason alot this year. Hell, the only reason I'm even going to bother with this match. Is that Jeff understood me for once and I know Pence and me have never battled. The guys not so bad once you get on the same level as him. We do share a common hatred. And that's for Royce and Level One. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't deserve this shot Pence. I hate the fact that you have just came into this company and you are already wrestling for World Title matches. When someone like me on the other hand has worked his ass off win after win. It bores me. You bore me. Royce bores me. This match though, gives me what I want. A world title shot. It's bullshit that I have to "work" for it now and "earn it" after I've already done that. But hey, when you get screwed out of two title shots, you make the most of it. Beating an egotistical loser like Pence and Royce, well that's just an easy ascention to kicking Level One's ass for my title.
John Green- Let me stick right to the points here. You two and me.. we're not friends. We're not even enemies. You're little pricks in my side that won't go away. Bloodsucking mosquitos that somehow have evaded the fly swatter. You're leeches when it comes to me. You use my name, to boost yourself to main event status. You two walk around here, talking about being a world champion but you've never been one in this company. Talking about how you had it all earlier this year or last year. And now.. you're getting the rewards for it. You're getting a chance to redeem yourself against the man who kicks ass every ring he steps into, no matter what type of shape you two are in. So Jason you attack me. You think in a Triple Threat matchup, that you are better then me. But just like I proved to you In March or February, you can bring your A game. And I can show up drunk as a skunk, smoke a joint, sell a few Mr.Wuffles t-shirts. And still get the win over you. I've said it before JAson and I'll say it again. You were always mid card at best. The fact that you held a title still, is blasphemy. The fact that you will most likely bitch and moan when I do win, is what makes me sick to my stomach.
John Green- Allow me to explain that sentence to your arrogant mind. It goes like this. John here in one corner is arrogant, cocky, a drunk, has a kitten for a manager, and lost a few matches this year. Jason Royce in the other corner is arrogant, cocky, sober, and has had mild sucess this year. While we have Pence who is semi-arrogant, semi-cocky, and hasn't done anything to prove his talent. What's the difference? John backs up the "shit" he talks. Making his arrogance nullified, as it becomes the truth. Making his cockieness not a flaw, but a benefit to him. The drinking is what he calls fun, the kitten is what he calls a money maker. When it comes to beating someones ass he gets the job done. Jason Royce however doesn't back up his arrogance on a consistent basis, pretends to be cocky because he got a few big wins here and there. That's the difference. One man can control his ego, and make it work for him. The other is just to fucking stupid to realize the full picture, and plunges headfirst into ridiculous situations, thus losing money, power, and respect in the long run. And the other man just doesn't belong here at all.
John Green- I've been doing this shit for a long time Royce. Same to you Pence. I'm getting up there in age. I've seen you both around, I've seen you both on top. I've seen you both rock bottom. I've been there though, I've done that. I have single handidly done everything I ever set out to do in APW. I won the APW Championship. I was screwed out of it. But if there's one thing my legacy, and the record books will tell you. It's that I'm always the one who gets the last laugh. I'm always the one who does the final screwing, and rapes people of their dreams. Look at BDC. Retired now. BUT.. he went out before stepping into the spotlight against me in the Survive and Conquer match and I threw him over ending his chances at becoming the World Champ. You can show a direct relationship between him ALMOST getting a title shot, and myself stealing the spotlight from him only to get my spotlight stolen. You ask him.. why weren't you a major title contender here more often? And he'll let you know the truth. John Green was always there to interrupt it. Carnage. Stealing it when I was clearly in a whole entire different match by putting on a great performance. But people like Jason Royce, people like Pence Weatherlight, all the way down to born losers like Streets Wilson. They we're all stopped one by one by me. They all tapped out. They all felt The Headsplitter. They all found themselves outsmarted by me.
John Green- You two are going to be no different. I have every bit of confidence inside myself that I will walk away the Number One Contendor for Level One's title. You guys will never.. ever, get an APW World Heavyweight title shot as long as I'm around. It's mine. It's what I deserve, it's what I have proven I deserve. And it damn sure won't be taken away by a pissant like you. The sneak attacks. They're done with come Wednesday. And your little arrogant and egotistical whining on who is the better man.. comes to an end on Wednesday. You'll find out what everyone already knows. I AM The Real Fuckin' Deal. I CAN back it up. I HAVE backed it up. And I will CONTINUE to rule over APW, until the day I die. That's the truth. Call me a lier, call me a fake, call me a false idol all cracked out speaking nonsense. And fall like the rest of them. Or be smart for once, LISTEN to what I say. And actually learn something about APW. It doesn't belong to the hero. It doesn't belong to the nice guy. It belongs to rich, and powerful assholes like Jeff.. and myself. Ignore it if you want, because at Overdrive, I will beat that into your thick skulls.. and make you realize every single one of ypu guys mistakes. Wednesday, I walk away one step closer to achieving what I shouldn't have lost. The APW... World... Heavyweight..... Champion....ship.
With that John stands up from sitting on the boxes, and grabs his cigarettes before turning off his personal video recorder.
Alcholics R Us pt2
"I don't remember why I came"
John's Log.. May 9th 2009.
How long have I been on this ship? The blackouts, the alchol, the sun sometimes there, sometimes not. It doesn't make sense. Nothing does. I fear we're all going to die here on this ship. Are we even on course to the North Pole? When will we arrive? Will we even arrive? The alchol has dimished our immune system. The smallest germ, could easily infiltrate my body and seriously harm me to the point of death. I think I might have scurvy. The coldness in the air isn't helping either. My sweaters feel three layers to thing. And even our mascot Mr.Wuffles seems to be sick. I think I heard him sneeze earlier today. As I write this though, I fear for the life of our captain. He hasn't been seen in hours, and Jason speculates suicide. I'm beggining to wonder if he's right. If this is all just a mad ship, if we're all slowly losing our minds. Jason had mentioned mutiny earlier, we can't trust the captain anymore. We need to take control of this ship, and find our way back home. Or perhaps even just find some sort of civilized life form. But I fear that my dear friends and I will never get to see home again. Even as I write this, we're slowly falling into our own madness. Jason with his mutiny, the captain with his solitude. And even Mr.Wuffles has spent the better part of the week hiding underneath the bed. It's only a matter of time before one of us kills the other. And with the depleting food source, that may be our only hope.
John finishes writing in his makeshift journal, and brushes back his hair. His eyes appear more sunken then ever as his sleep habits seem to have changed. Being out at sea is known to do this to a man though. The lonliness can become more then any man has ever beared before. Even Robinson Caruso didn't go through this much torture. At least on his island it was only himself to be mad at. There weren't other people around to be wary of. John picks up his cigarettes and lights one up, before looking underneath his bed. Mr.Wuffles lays curled up in a ball, and doesn't even respond to Johns mock kisses. Frustrated with Mr.Wuffles lack of response, John takes another drag from his cigarette and leaves his cabin.
--
Captains Log.. April 10th 2007
They're out there. I can hear them breathing. The savage beasts that have come to take my life, and my cargo. I have sailed these seas for many years, and seen many horror stories come to life. I've battled the giant squids, I've spearheaded the great white shark. I've even taken on the native islanders that disapproved of my existance. But never in all my years have I so calmly allowed a threat to come on board with me. I invite a friend, a trusted ally in my war against humanity. I invite him onto my ship. And he brings along that monster. That spawn of satan. He calls himself Jason, but I see through his fake smile. I see through his slicked back hair. I see through right to his rotten soul. He wants my cargo. He wants my money. And he wants my ship. He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm out to get him. And my only sanctuary is my cabin. But even then, I fear that he will use his monsterous frame to break down my door, and slit my throat from ear to ear. I fear for my safety. And yet, I also fear for my ship. I pray to God that we all get out of here alive. And yet, Satan himself has already intervened. I have not the heart to tell our travellers that we have veered so far off course, that we cannot possibly hope to reach our destination. God save us!
Mr.Gladstone places his captains hat on, and walks towards his door. He peeks out of the eyehole and takes a fisheye view of his surrondings. Not a single person is nearby as he breaths a sigh of relief, and pulls a flask out from his jacket. Taking a long drink, he wipes his beard and closes his eyes to dream of a better time.
--
Jasons Log..April 10th 2007
Mutiny. It's all that's on my mind lately. I've seen it in those classic pirate films. The crew tires of their captain, and thus takes over the ship. Sending him off with his lackey to starve to death. The brutality of it all amuses me. How a bunch of men can get so fed up with rules and regulations that they send the owner to a certain death. It reminds me of Wrestling. It reminds me of my once dear friend John. He brought me here. He knew of the hell involved. But yet he persisted in bringing me here. The captain of this ship is a raving lunatic. A drunkard that belongs in the gutter with his box of wine. John is no different. Drinking like a fish until the only thing he can remember is his hangover. Yet he stands tall. He stands on top of APW, and on top of this ship. I know what he's planning. With his cunningness, and his arrogance. He wants this ship for himself. He wants the weed down below to himself. He wants to assasinate the fictional Santa Clause by himself. I'm just there to blame things on. I'm getting sick of it all. Being second fiddle to a kitten. Playing the sacraficial lamb to his opponents. And still, I stay with him for the money. The arrogant jackass of APW, at least keeps to one thing and one thing only. When he says he'll pay you x amount of money, he damn sure cuts the cheque. It's funny. I was once like him. Sitting on the battlefield, always anxious to assasinate the next traitor. Only to find myself having to learn patience behind the barrel of a sniper rifle. It's a different feeling that's for sure. Being numb from the cold of Russia, and not caring. Being able to stay perfectly still in your maketshift cover, just watching the world through one eye. Zoomed in on the footprints of people gone by. Just waiting, waiting for that one moment when your finger instinctly pulls the trigger and ends another humans life. I'm still waiting to pull that trigger. I'm still the accomplish and reason that everything is functioning well these days. I fear my own death lately though. As much as I'd love to continue waiting for the wolves head to pop up. I've got to make a move before it's to late. I went outside today and thought about it. According to the stars above.. it must be our third day at sea. Maybe even more. Our alchol supply has been deminshed, and horded by the captain. John has been seen wandering around talking about nonsense lately. Am I the only rational human being on this ship? My gun says yes. But my mind says do not spill innocent blood. Either way, I have to do what I have to do.
Jason walks away from his writing, and rubs the gunk out of his eyes. He has been awake for far to long, but any sort of rest is not an option. While the mental war rages on outside his doors. Jason angrily grabs his suitcase from underneath his bed and opens it up. He pulls out his 9mm pistol and cocks it back. Making sure it's loaded, he points it at the mirror and lowers it. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, he heads towards his door. Wrenching it open, and walking down the hallway towards the captains cabin, he can be seen with a look of anger on his face.
--
Jason stands with his pistol cocked in the middle of a long hallway. He's just outside of Captain Gladstones door, when John comes running down the same hallway, waving around a gun as well.
John- JASON!
Jason instinctvly points the gun towards John and stops him dead in his tracks. John throws his arms in the air and look at Jason.
John- Dude.. just relax. It's me. Johno. You're buddy ol' pal.
Jason- Don't get in my way. I've gotta do what I gotta do.
John- What do you have to do?
Jason- Put a bullet in Gladstones head.
John curses under his breath as he points his gun at Jasons head.
John- I can't let you do that.
Jason- Oh yeah? What makes you think you can stop me?
John- He's a friend Jason. One of us. One of you, one of me.
Jason- Just because he sells dope doens't make us one.
John- He's doing us the favour man. I can't let you kill my friend.
Jason- You don't have the balls to kill me.
John- I gotta do what I gotta do. Just as you said.
Jason- Then pull the trigger. What are you waiting for?
John- Just put your gun down man. We'll be arriving soon.
Jason- You said that days ago. I'm hungry. Tired. And hungover.
John- Then have a rest. Eat some rations. Just don't kill the only man who can save us from our death.
Jason- If I have to be the only man surviving on this ship. Then I will.
John- LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You're talking like a madman.
Jason- Madman have never been so rational. I know what I gotta do. And I'll be damned if you stand in my way.
Just then the door to Mr.Gladstones cabin opens up, and the familiar sound of a pistol being cocked back can be heard.
Mr.Gladstone- Looks like we got ourselves a problem.
Jason swings his arms around and points his gun at Mr.Gladstones head.
John- DON'T DO IT!
Jason- ...
Mr.Gladstone- You wanna kill me boy? Do it now.
Jason- Give me one damn reason why I shouldn't pull the trigger. You fuckin' drunk son of a bitch.
John- I'll give you one good reason. You'll go to jail for murder.
Jason- Or I'll die on this drunken idiots ship.
John- We're not going to die man. We might starve for a few days, we might become delerious. We might indeed come close to death. But we can't die.
Jason- The world doesn't bend to your logic John.
John- I can't die. Not when everything I've ever wanted is so close to me. Put the gun down. Both of you.
Mr.Gladstone- My gun stays where it is.
Jason- Then so does mine.
John- SHIT! Another Mexican standoff.
--
Flashback to Mexico.
The scene is just a flashback scene inside of Johns head. A porterican, a mexican, and a priest all stand around together with guns to each other heads.
Priest- Well at least God will save me.
Porterican- I'm not really Porterican!
Mexican- Que Pasa!
Suddenly everyones gun goes off, and they all fall down dead.
--
Back to The Mexican Standoff
John- We're all going to die!
Jason- Only one of us will die.
John- You pull that trigger, I've got no other option.
Jason- It would be worth it.. just to see this son of a bitch die.
John- Look man. I know you may not like him. And yeah, he's got a drinking problem.
Mr.Gladstone- It's not a problem, it's a gift.
John- Shut up Gladstone.
Mr.Gladstone- ...
John- Now look. We got a shitload of weed underneath our feet. We smoke a little bit of it, we all get high. We all get through this shit. Doesn't anyone remember why we're even here!
Jason- We're.. heading somewhere, to do something.
Mr.Gladstone- The tooth fairy steals my weed, so I'm running away.
John- Yep.. we've all past the point of logic. So surprise surprise. I'm the only one who makes sense. We're headed on a sea voyage because we've never done something like this. Mr.Gladstone needs to deliver some weed to the Columbians so they don't kill him. And Jason.. you and I are trying to establish an alcholics annoymous country, where people like Mr.Gladstone can come to seek refuge from their angry wifes. Along the way we gotta overthrow Santa Clause. Not sure how that's going to work.
Jason- That's... bullshit.
John- And so is you committing murder on this ship.
Jason begins to lower his gun, as Mr.Gladstone lowers his. John keeps his aimed at Jasons head.
John- Now just relax, and put those guns on the ground.
BANG!
Suddenly a gunshot goes off, and Jason drops to the ground clutching his right knee.
BANG! BANG!
Both John and Gladstone both fall down clutching their knees. As John falls down, a familiar puffball emerges. The kitten known as Mr.Wuffles, who holds the smoking gun.
Mr.Wuffles- Meow!
John curses under his breath as he clutches his leg and blacks out from the pain.
--
Unknown Hours Later
John blinks his eyes rapidly as the entire boat comes into focus. He spots the wooden walls, and the blood pool of blood on the ground. His knee has some pain in it, but the bullet seems to have only grazed the outskirts of it. Jason still lays on the ground unconscious, as John limps over to him.
John- I'm sorry buddy.. I didn't expect any of this.
Mr.Gladstone is slowly waking up as John limps on over to him.
John- You alright?
Mr.Gladstone- My leg.. I can't move it.
John- You'll be fine in a few hours. It's just a small wound. Jason still hasn't waken up.
Mr.Gladstone- Who shot me?
John- A small kitten, I saw him with the gun before I blacked out.
Mr.Gladstone- Son of a bitch....
John- No.. he's our saviour. Had we stayed in our standstill, we'd all be dead. I learned something today.
Mr.Gladstone- I learned what it's like to get shot.
John- Well, I learned what it's like to choose your friends. It's hard. Painstaking even. There isn't many people I trust with my life.. but you've always been there for me. And yet.. so has Jason. I feel bad. I feel bad for siding with you, instead of respecting both of your points of view.
Mr.Gladstone- Help me up.
John nods his head in agreement, as he wipes away a tear. Helping Mr.Gladstone to his feet, he lets him go to stand up on his own. Holding the doorway to stand up, Mr.Gladstone nods towards John, who smacks Jasons face a little bit, and awakens him.
Jason- Ugh.. where.. what..
John- Relax. You're safe and sound buddy.
Jason- What....happened?
Realizing the problems that could arise from Jason becoming angry, John decides to tell a little white lie.
John- You were tired and passed out. We were worried about you buddy.
Jason- My leg.. it stings with pain.
John- Yeah, you fell on it pretty baddly. Now, this is going to sound silly. But umm.. could you remove the bullets from my leg and Mr.Gladstones?
Jason- What? Bullets?
John- Yeah, I shot myself by accident. And the bullets richocheted into Gladstone.
Jason- Fuck.. sit down and I'll fix it. Give me a pair of scissors, tweezers, and an eyeglass. Anyone have a needle and thread?
Mr.Gladstone- Indeed I do. Fix us up sir.
Jason sighs from Johns supposed stupidity, as Mr.Gladstone goes to retrieve the items needed.
--
Jason is finishing up sewing John's wounds together, and telling him to quit being a bitch, as John winces in pain.
John- I can't help it man, I don't remove bullets on a daily basis.
Jason- Heh.. you're lucky I'm around then.
As Jason closes the wound, the ship seems to strike something solid, as everyone lurches forward.
John- What the hell was that?
Mr.Gladstone- Land my friend. We've hit land!
Everyone looks at each other for a split second, before running towards the front of the ship. They have indeed finally landed at their destination. Hitting a patch of ice, their ship has made it's own harbour on the shores of the North Pole. John grabs his makeshift flag with AA written on it, and runs outside to firmly plant it into the snow.
John- I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! WHOOOOOOOOO!
Jason- Relax John, not like you just climbed Mount Everest.
John- We'll do that next week.
Jason- The hell we will. I'd rather go take over the tropics. Now hurry up, I wanna go home.
John- We gotta find that son of a bitch Santa Clause first.
Jason- Alright well.. we only have about 8 hours to look for him. Then we gotta get going.
John- Shit...Gladstone. You still got that helicopter?
Mr.Gladstone- If by helicopter you mean that two man dust cropter I have. Then yes.
John- Yeah yeah, that thing. Can you fly it?
Mr.Gladstone- I don't know.. never really flown drunk before. Mr.Gladstone pulls out his flask again and takes a swig.
Jason- What model is it?
Mr.Gladstone- C something.
Jason- C 236 Dust Cropter?
Mr.Gladstone- Sure.. why not.
Jason- I'll fly it. But here's the deal. I saved your life, so we get to keep it until we get back to Calgary.
Mr.Gladstone- Alright..
Jason- So where is it?
Mr.Gladstone- Well.. pulls out a compass About.. 50 yards to your left. There's a storage shed.
Jason- What the hell is a storage shed doing out in the middle of nowhere?
Mr.Gladstone- Well, to be honest. I didn't really put us on a straight course. So we're off by 50 yards. It's mine. And it's got alot of cool shit in there. Harpoons, crop dusters, rope. I think there's even a few sweaters for ya there.
Jason- (sighs Grab Mr.WUffles) Let's start walking boys. Left foot, right foot.
John- Left foot..right foot..left foot..right foot.
--
Finally arriving at the supposed shack, Jason had wheeled out the small crop duster. It looks like it's about to fall apart any minute know, as he spins the propeller to start it up. John jumps into the cockpit and places Mr.Wuffles on his lap, while Jason takes the controls.
Jason- Alrighty then.. we're.. going to either die, or go really fast, really soon.
Taking the controls, Jason starts the plane moving, and finally pulls up. He gets it off the ground a few inches, and grips the controls tightly. Finally the plane rises some more, and levels out.
John- WHOOOOOOO!
Jason- That was only part one man. Keep your eye out for a big fat guy riding a reindeer.
--
John and Jason are in their 7th hour of searching for Santa, and Jason has grown very tired.
Jason- We should just call it a day man. We don't have long before the sun drops. If we leave now, we'll make it back home in time for the bar.
John- NO.. we have to keep searching. I know he's out here.
Jason- It's not like we're going to stumble upon some magical giant castle, with elves running around, and flying reindeer.
John- Then what's that ahead of us?
Jason nearly has a heart attack as he looks down below and spots a bunch of elves running around an ice castle.
Jason- I don't fucking believe this!
John- Land this piece of shit. It's time we go hog tie Santa and show him who's boss.
--
Jason has parked the plane nearby, as John and him start hauling some rope behind them. Mr.Wuffles trots along with them, meowing quietly. One of the elves comes running over to them, and tries to say hello. But finds himself punted out of the way by Jasons boot.
John- Elf punter? Never figured you the kind.
Jason- I hate midgets. They annoy me.
John- Well, explains everything.
John and Jason continue punting elves out of the way until the spot a fat man in a red suit, tending to some reindeer.
John- Hey Santa!
The fat man turns around and with a jolly ho ho, and a twinkle in his eye. He waves at John.
Santa- Why hello John. What can I do for you?
John stares stunned at Santa for a brief second.
John- Umm.. I just wanted to rename the North Pole to Alcholics Annoymous.
Santa- Well ho ho. I can certaintly do that for you.
John- Can I get a shiny red bike for Christmas to? You never gave it to me when I was five.
Santa- Why I'm pretty sure I did. Santa doesn't make mistakes you know. If memory serves me correct, you sold the bike to little Timmy Turner.
John- No.. I stole his bike, and sold it back to him saying it was mine.
Santa- Ho ho.. Santa must have got the wrong house then. That was really your bike.
John- Well.. this is awkward.
Santa- And what about you Jason? What can an old man do for you?
Jason- Get me the hell out of here.
With a snap of his fingers, Santa calls his reindeer over.
Santa- Get the Apache Helicopter out of storage for our friends over here.
Jason- The Apache? I asked for that when I was 12 years old.
Santa- You certaintly did, and it's been waiting for you ever since.
John- Wait a minute. Aren't we naughty children?
Santa- Ho ho, all children are good. That's just a lie your parents tell you so you'll be good.
John- Well.. damn it. Someone should have told me. To be honest.. I was gonna hog tie you and beat you up.
Santa- Ho ho.. come visit me here anytime John. Alcholics Annoymous welcomes you with open arms.
Defeated by kindness, John shakes his head and relcutantly follows the elves to the awaiting Apache helicopter, that Jason is going to fly home.
John- I can't believe this shit. We came all this way, and didn't get into one single fight.
Jason- I think the real moral of the story is within ourselves. We almost came to killing each other, over our own desires. I learned something today.
Cue "Moral Learning" Music.
Jason- I learned that without controlling my anger, that I could potentially lead myself into trouble.
John- I learned never to travel more then 500 miles at a time, or else it gets pretty boring. Oh, and to stop renaming shit.
Jason- So.. this isn't so bad then. We get a free ride home, and we learned stuff.
John- And that makes us unstoppable.
Jason- And remember kids knowing is only half the battle!
John- BUT KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
GI JOEEEEEEE!
--
Back in Ontario Canada, John is enjoying his first beer in many hours, while having a cigarette. Mr.Wuffles is asleep in his bed, and Jason is writing in his memoirs. John turns on his personal recorder, and smiles at the camera.
John- Jason Royce and Pence Weatherlight. The arrogant sons of bitches who doesn't know when to learn their lesson. Haven't I taught you twoanything in the last two weeks? Hate me. Love me. Disrespect me. It doesn't matter.. you'll still get your ass beat by me. I'm a man without morals for fucks sake. Did you actually think that by sneak attacking me Jason that I would fall? That you could possibly make an impact against a legend like myself? A gambling man would even say no to those odds. You're impact on that Overdrive.. could be compared to the yelp of a wounded dog. You made a sacrafice that night. You sacraficed everything you worked so hard to put together this year. You sacraficed your impressive resume of legit wins, and tag title defenses. All because you wanted more. Becase your growing ego is slowly dissaperating from what is reality. You actually believe that you could hang in the leagues of The Real Fuckin Deal' John Green. Granted one could make such an argument. People like Level One.. Slade.. Shadow. They could hang with me. They could make arguments as well. That possibly they to could hang with me. But throw a loser like you in the ring with a godlike specimen such as myself. And you got what the people down south would call "one hell of an ass whoppin'" But you'll never learn. Jason, you can't admit when you're beat. You stoop so low as to hurl petty insults at me. Insults about my intelligence level. At the manner I do business in. And possibly even the drug and alchol abuse. You pick on the same shit that everyone else out there thinks is my downfall. It's seriously depressing hear it every week. But Jason I've felt that I've stood on you for too long. See Pence may not deserve this shot as of yet but I won't count him out of this match. Pence may not be a main eventer here as of yet but we all know it's a matter of time before Pence opens his mouth and lets the world know he will be on his way to the title in this match.
John- Now don't get me wrong Pence. You haven't really said anything yet. But you feel that you must come to APW and get a guaranteed World Title Shot. I mean seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? Some Goliath mother fucker from a solar star system? This is APW. This is my fuckin' home. This is the place where I will snap your ankle in laugh, and gloat about it next week. This is the place where sneak attacks are as common as herpes on a hooker. As our title suggests. This is only place where one man can go and really think he's supreme. But as history shows. This is the place that I go.. when I want to reign supreme. New YEars Retribution.. 2009. Admist all the chaost. Admist all the critics. Admist then all. I prevailed. And in great fashion. Everyone knows I never TRULY won the match. But alas, I did what no other man has ever done. I almost took out Level One hadn't he gotten lucky. But history continues. Rassle Mania V 2009. I lost the right to call myself the true champion of APW when Shadow defeated me for the Overdrive title whe I could have become APW's first Grand Slam Champion. But I earned the respect of many when I gave him the fight of a lifetime. Fearing loss of stardome. I also I did what no other man will ever do again. I united the three men with bigger egos then myself. I created three superstars that night. New YEars Retribution 2008. I did what nobody thought possible. I legitametly won the APW Heavyweight Title. I caused the biggest increase in ratings, since my own debut. I generated more money then ever for APW. And I did things one way. My way.
John- This Wednesday might not be a PPV, but it's just another page in history nonetheless. I will replicate the night I became champion. When win number uno, became Johns claim to fame. Sure Jason and Pence, You've bitched, you've moaned. You've trashed my name. And now you've finally gotten what you two wanted. A shot at the APW Championship. But unfortunatly for you. One man, and a kitten stand in your way. I've proven over the last two weeks, that I pick my spots and take my shots. And whether that shot is rum, or a direct punch to the jaw, you know I'm always on my A game. You can hit me with everything you've got. And I'll still prevail. I'll still go on to face Level One for the APW Championship. But let's stay rational for just one moment. What if.. what if I don't win? What if you really do go on to face Level One for the APW Championship? What then guys? I'll let you know, since it's the question that will haunt you forever. Level One will whip either of your asses from one end of the ring to the other. He'll pin you in fashion. And laugh at you for the rest of eternity. He will never..ever... let you forget when he beat you, how he beat you, and why he beat you. The odds aren't in your favour. The gambling men have already predicted the landslide victory of John Green being the future APW Champion. And when the smoke clears, and the dust settles. There will be one name that APW never forgets. He will always be the measuring stick for the rookies, and he will go down in history as THE GREATEST.. APW..CHAMPION.. and his name, sending chills down your spine, is The Retributon Kileer, John Green. Who will forever be known for being one thing. The Real... Fuckin'...Deal.
(Sorry I had to delete a whole fucking scene cause of the word limit)
The Trash Talk Of Trash Talks
John- What a week, what a week, what a week. God damn I've been busy. And yet, it only gets busier. This Wednesday.. live in front of thousands of ticket holders. I get the chance to reclaim immortality. It's well documented by now that I have a number one contenders match. And everyone knows that it's against Jason "The Jobber" Royce and Pence Weatherlight. The underdog of APW, and the overrated newcomer. The man that nobody would have ever thought could reach the main event status and the man that should have never reached main event status so fast. Uhh.. wait. That's a lie. Not main event status. But rather.. World Championship status. Granted they still have a long way to go. And then solidify themselves as more then just a paper champion. But none the less, they've made it farther then anyone would have ever guessed. Congrats Royce who needs it even more than Pence. You proved a few critics wrong. (golf clap) Do you feel special?
John- No.. I'm serious. Do you feel superior? Does it make you feel good inside knowing that someone else was wrong, and you.. you were right. How does that make you feel? I bet you feel proud inside. Accomplished even. Feeling like you can take on the world. That you can beat anyone. It's a great feeling. It's how I live every single day of my life. But.. I back it up. I back it up each and every week, when I go out there to the ring. And prove.. I'm everything you ever wanted to be. And then some. I'm everything the fans wanted to be. Hell.. I'm everything your parents wished you were. Some could argue that. Hell, alot of people argue it. Alot of people try and put me down for that statement. Saying things like "I'm better then you." and "I'd kill myself if I was you." Ya know. .the petty insults. The things I can just brush off and ignore. I've proven time and time again, that I am everything I say I am. So what makes it any different? Ya know. Logically, until proven wrong. I'm right.
John- But.. there are a few settle problems between you and I. There's that problem of egos. The excuses of.. who really is the better man. On one hand, I hold a singles win over you. I pinned you 1..2..3. And some could say things like "but he beat you a couple of weeks later," and "he wasn't at 100 percent that night if he beat you later that month." And those are quite valid arguments. But two can play that game. You see.. you hold a win over me. Not a regular win though. A win that was fluked. But regardless a win. So we're tied.. as far I know. Maybe we can count tag team wins for everything a man does. I prefer singles competition. You can do what you choose. I brush it off like dirt on my shoulder. But that night.. when Shadow pinned me. Well..that taught me a little something about myself. I'm.. I'm evil. Not in the satanic devil worshipping way. But in the way people react to me. I can accept defeat in the ring that night.. because I know deep down inside. I really won the war. I turned him into everything he ever hated. Whether he knew it or not. Or whether he pretends to enjoy it. Does not matter to me. A man does not change overnight, unless something inside him has gone wrong. I've seen it before.
John- Small things like that. I can pick up on. I notice them. Alot of people just think I'm cracked out and talking nonsense. But the odd person understands. The odd person uses logic to follow a paper trail, rather then follow a wild goose hunt. That's where I excel around here. And that's what alot of people forget about me. I may be this drug dealing, alcholic, kitten owning, cocky ass mother fucker. But.. I'm also a great wrestler. I do what I gotta do, just to get ahead. I don't always play fair, and I don't show remorse for my actions. I do what gets me a title. And I do that through logic. Where as.. you Jason. Let me stop focusing on you. Where as... you and Pence. You two jump through every hoop, get past every obstacle, and climb the mountain. Only to find me blocking your paths, ready to throw you two back down to the bottom. That's the best analogy I can give you guys at this time. I take the shortcuts. I take the helicopters to the top. I let my wealth rule over my surrondings. I don't exert energy that could be used in the future. I don't burn myself out so to speak. There's a little known John fact for ya. The Headsplitter is called that, not for it's drug reference alone, but for the feeling of it. The tired and weak state of mind. The lack of will to move, but rather stay where you are. I don't get that feeling. I don't get the feeling of just "crashing" and "calling it a day." My party life, as much shameful publicity as it gives me. Is the prime reason why I can go the distance in a wrestling ring. My weaknesses as they seem, are really just my strengths. The endurance you need to party all night long, is intense. Not every man can do it. The drug abuse.. is the constant feeling of being burnt out for many years. Waking up tired, and not doing anything. That passed long ago. The hangovers.. the ability to adjust to your surrondings when it may seem unbearable.
John- These are the little things you two seem to forget about me. These are the things that may seem irrational to some, and stupid to others. But to those who can understand what I do. And why I do it. It only seems logical. You never see me shedding tears over broken friends, and broken hearts. I'm usually the one instigating them. You never see me focusing on to many issues at one time. I know what it does to a man. Instead. You get what you see. A rude and arrogant man, that has one goal.. and vows to achieve that goal. This Wednesday.. you can get get crazy all you want. You can throw everything you've got at me. And I'll still get up. I'll still fight. I'll still give you everything inside of me. And in the end. We'll have a great match. But as we both know. When there can be only one or two.. there can be only two losers. I'm not a loser. I don't take well to losing. And I don't ever plan on it. I want the APW Championship. I want the gold around my waist. I want the power and seductive look of it back. I want to be number one... in a world where number two, just doesn't cut it. And I will do that. If I could make any suggestion to you two. Repent now. Get blessed by a priest. Because this Wednesday.. I'm going to hell with you guys, and you will be left there.. all alone. In a sea of despair, and problems.. that will consume you two's very soul, and leave you shattered..broken.. and torn. There is nothing more I can do to you, that you won't do to yourself. I'm just the straw that's going to break the camels back. I'll see you on Overdrive.
With that, John takes his final drag from his cigarette, and turns off his personal record.
-End Rp-
