Post by "The Hottest Shit Going" on Dec 31, 2008 2:41:27 GMT -4
This story is narrated by the JESUS, thats right folks Michael mother fucking Lively doing the voice over for my spot. The hottest spot on all of APW. For you that are new to APW I'm Michael Lively, and this will be one of my spots. I am the man with the most victories in singles competition in APW. I also hold the longest Overdrive title reign in APW history, and soon will be the APW's first grand slam champion.Your probably wondering what the hell is a grand slam champion, I checked all the title spots, there is no grand slam champion. Well slap dick, thats the first man to hold all the APW titles. That man will be ME, The White Lion, the Woman Hater which by the way is nominated for best Gimmick of 2008, so get your votes in quick, I'm needing another prize for my trophy shelf. Speaking of prizes, at Christmas Chaos, the Acts of God/Holy Storm duo went into a defense. In front of a packed crowd, thousands of viewers watching via satellite and PPV, we got defeated.
**SIGH**
You can say thats one hell of a way to end such an amazing year for myself. Speaking of myself, look here I come.
Michael Lively the enters the arena. The man has a swagger in his walk.
Look at that, it's a shame, such a rugged waist line to be bare so soon after the holidays. God, even without a belt I look damn good. Like the Hottest Shit Going, or maybe the son of God. OK, so it looks like I have arrived, and I don't look very happy. Hey, who would be happy with an ego like mine, and dropping a title live in front of millions. Now where is my mother.
The camera then picks up Ms. Lively walking into the arena dragging her and her sons bags behind.
Mothers, some people cherish them. Others treat them like precious gems, me, I give the bitch a nice pay check to follow me around, carry my bags, take a couple of chin shots, and totally mark out. Beats working the corner if you ask me. Now it seems after my last performance, and knowing myself like I do, I probably am heading to Jeff's office. Now inside Jeff's office I will throw a fit, curse and moan, make comments about not being the legal man in the match, the ref was hired by Streets Wilson, and Julian Bale used to be a gay porn star. All of that ranting and raving will fall on deaf ears. Jeff will roll his eyes, tell me he has things covered, and he knows how to run a wrestling company...bla...bla. Those comments of course will fly in my ear, and out my other. You see I don't care about many things, except ME. After getting nowhere with the super hero, I will surely leave his office slamming the door behind me, causing his Level One poster to fall to the ground, in turn pissing him off even more. As I leave his office I'm sure Jason Royce will make his way in. The Iceman will probably try to bitch and moan about his title loss as well. Poor bastard doesn't realize I have already stirred Jeff's shit....uhh ohh...fuck him...it's just Jason Royce.
Now as I make my way through the arena, looking ever so excellent, I may come across my tag team partner Twister. The weak link of our team if you ask me, and I'm sure if you ask him, I'm his opinion. Like I stated before, I don't give three flying shit stains about anybody but myself. So I will stop, talk with the weak link, then be informed that I indeed have a match this evening. Excuse me, WE have a match along side Arcadia. This news will surely send me into a heavenly tail spin. I will flip out like I usually do, get over it by storming off to my locker room. My mother will be there waiting with my gear, catch a solid super kick to the face. Then my nerves will ease. My tension will release. Some guy's smoke to calm themselves, others lock the door, smash their meat into a sock until the love juice flows free (Yeah you ICY), ME...I simply kick my mother square in the jaw. She is such a good spot, and puts me over every time by falling out clean. Alright, so this part of the story I will probably get ready for my match. I will pull out my newest pair of custom air brushed tights thanks to the one and only Jimmy The Mouth of the South Hart. Yep these ones are classic, they have me on the front super kicking Julian Bale in his puss, and Streets Wilson in tears as I have the deadliest pinky grip locked on him. Thats right the tights have me whipping both those bitches, like I did in the title match until Twister fucked things up.
Anyways, I will get ready, lace up my boots, stand. As I do, a wave of frustration will come over me. This would be the time I put that title belt into my pants so it can swing freely between my legs, covering my heavenly man parts. My second title in APW, and my second title loss. This reign wasn't quite the same as the first. You see the first, I dominated the Overdrive scene. The first I had only my self to count on, no one else to get in the way. Now Twister is a great wrestler, he did loose to me though, but he is still great. Now as a tag team we were damn good. We simply got beat, no excuses, no bullshit. I may talk a ton of shit, but simply put I can back it up. Now I am lost again, talking about ME, gets me all tangled in a web of my greatness. Yeah I'm standing there thinking about how I used to have a belt to place there, and how this reign wasn't as good as the last. Now knowing me-self like I do, I'm thinking whats next. DO I stick with the jacked physical specimen that tosses back the JD and run for that gold once more. That would be one theory, or I could make that singles run, head on up to the Extreme title scene like I had my eyes set on. That one seems appealing, it fits my agenda of becoming the first Grand Slam Champion in APW. The Extreme title has been tossed around like a fucking hot potato fresh from the Ruby farm. I'd check that tater for man goo, The Greanleaf Sicko was recently spotted taking a break from animals, and poking taters.
Now I'm day dreaming about the Extreme title, how it would look around my waist, hanging between my legs, then realizing a trash can lid doesn't really hand real well, or make for a safe environment for the JESUS jewels. As I stand there, my mother begins to groan. It seems she is regaining her consciousness. Thats there is my Que, to exit the locker room. You see I have a one kick limit, and being around her for too long will surely get me to break that policy. So I open the door, slam it behind me and walk through the back. As I do, I look around. I notice with my paranoia that simpletons of the APW are looking at me. With my delusions I begin to wonder if they are looking at me cause I am naked without a title. It simply gets shrugged off for the moment cause I have other plans. The powers that be in APW know what I can do, the asses I put in seats, and the draw that comes when the JESUS holds gold. Fans flock to the arena to see what I will do next. People tune in to hear what I will say next. New superstars join the roster to be next....the next ass kicked by Michael Lively. My next title shot will come in time, but now I have a match to prepare for. I have a promo to cut, and these people looking at me with the fuck me eyes will have to get dealt with later. Thats right, after I cut a modern day "Let Me Tell You Somethin' Brother" promo inside that ring, I will march back here. I will waltz over kick the caterer right in the face, slap the shit out of the hair stylist, and beat the fucking shit out that gay seamstress Pablo for looking at Michael Lively as a failure.
So with that cleared up in my own head, I move on. Through the back, over the river, around some snow, to the entrance ramp I go. As I stop by the technical table, giving Sam the engineer the iggy to cue my music and video, I jump in the air, stretch my arms, and get ready to make my way into the hate filled arena. Through the curtain I can see the lights dim. The roar of the crowd is deafening. A smile comes over my face. You see these people right this very moment are expecting some action, something great. They are about to receive it. But it's not the greatness they wish to see, or hear. In just seconds that stirring roar of cheers will quickly be transformed into a chorus of boo's. Once my music hits, these fucking idiots will begins the FUCK YOU JESUS chants, prep their soda cups for throwing, and stretch out their middle finger for the work out of the evening. You see as I stand here ready to enter the arena, I know full well that I am a success. I set out to be the most hated man in wrestling, and have done just that, received all the hate. Along the way I chose to also become the most decorated man in APW. That goal is being reached. Tonight though, is a night I hate. The show after a huge smash hit PPV. A match that means nothing to me. A match that doesn't give me a title shot. A match that doesn't even help out my singles win record. This match is a filler for the program. A match thrown together for the fans who payed their money to see wrestlers beat the shit out of each other. Normally I would be in the highest of spirits going into such a downer, but like always I'm chipper. I ready to roll, cause my ultimate thrill is making these fucking puke fans boo me. Driving my greatness down their throat. Making them hate me with each victory, with each fantastic move I perform.
Then it happens, the music hits, the boo's begin, and snow starts to fall in the arena. I flip up my hood, and step through the curtain. Out stretch my arms welcoming the snow flakes, and the hate. I flip the hood off, smirking while pointing to my chest, telling each fans looking that I am the fucking man. Letting them know just how great I am, especially compared to their overall suck-ness. I make my stride down the ramp, flipping fans off, tell them to shove it up their ass. Then my favorite, I find a kid sitting ringside. Get right in his face. Listen to him jaw off for moment, and then usually spit right in his face. Look, I think I found one, yep I did. Wait...it looks like I'm planning something different. ***BOOM*** Nice a solid right handed slap across the kids face. Now security comes running over. They get there pretty quick, seeing that their are qued to the fact that I always pick some lucky brat out for the JESUS treatment.
Now I enter the ring, and strike that ever so hated JESUS pose. Now on the mic you will never hear me say this, but in narration I can do whatever. I stole the JESUS pose. Shocking, I know, but being the son of God, which in APW terms means the apprentice of Kenny Lambardo it was only fitting that I adapt that super smooth pose as my own, and flare it up with a little JESUS touch. So as the pose is finished, and I snag up a mic. I suddenly realize that Twister told me that we were teaming with Arcadia, but didn't tell me who we were facing. OK, I'll be honest, I probably didn't give him a chance after throwing a modern day ICEMAN fit over the fact that I am teaming with thee woman who not only took my Overdrive title, but tried to crucify me. Seriously that can drive you ape shit, have you ever been crucified...then you don't understand do you asshole. Now, not knowing who I am facing can make cutting a promo a challenge. So I ask the time keeper to come over. I ask him who it is that will be blessed this evening. He looks at me as if I am high on Crack. Then I reply..who am I fighting dick nuts. He then tells me, and I take center ring. Just as I hold the mic up, it happens.
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
I then wave my arms like a conductor along with the stupid fans as they chant. Then I cut, as if motioning for it to stop. Like the brainless cock faces these fans can be the continue on. So if I have to sit through it, then so do you.
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
Finally it stops, and I hold the mic up for the crowds enlightenment of the evening.
JESUS: Alright you retarded bunch of wasted sperm listen close.
God that wasn't smart if I really wanted to get a word in. Now these shitty fans how begun boo'ing me more. Alright here we go lets see if I can calm it down a bit some maybe we can finish this promo in a timely fashion.
JESUS: It's cool cum sniffer's I got all night.
Fuck me, I really am not a sensible person. Oh well, it pays the bills.
JESUS: So I'm sure you people are pretty amazed, and utterly shocked that there is no longer a title between my legs.
Like clockwork these fucks begin cheering. I knew they would, I have these fuckers in the palm of my hand.
JESUS: So this is where I am supposed to congratulate the new champs, tell them how great they did...but I won't.
More boo's...God I'm good.
JESUS: anything can happen on any given night. It seems that Julia Styles and Street Car Named Desire got the nod. They walked out with the belts, and probably feel real good about themselves right about now. All I can say...is enjoy it while you can sluts. Now on to tonight. Once more the Acts of God...
I love that name. I thought of it, while my partner came up with the Holy Storm. You see the whole storm thing is played out...Kaotik Storm...Furious Storm...or whatever Storm Jeff and Twister were...either way..the storms over...make way for the Acts of God...besides it sounds so cool.
JESUS: Are going to grace you fags with an in ring appearance. Thats right...we are the hardest working fucks round this joint...so get ready...those tickets in your slimy hands will be collector items after the nights over.
Look at me like a pro. I switch positions to another camera and begin spitting so more of the sweat dialog.
JESUS: It also seems that we will be graced with the presence of Arcadia. Now me and the masked whore of APW...
She claims to be a virgin, but come on...no one bought the fact that Mary was a virgin either. I mean she was knocked up, and having a baby. Simply put...that puss was raided with cock. Anyways...I'm sure this dime piece has been invaded as well, but for image sake...she's a virgin (WINK*WINK)
JESUS: Yeah we have had our differences, and she out gamed me for my Overdrive title, but I was so damn much for her to take, that she couldn't even hardly compete the very next week. She lost the title on the next defense, and to her credit though won it back. So moving on, this filthy broad will be teaming up with the ultra rugged JESUS, and the semi studly Twister, to take on Carl Cage, Jason Royce, and Tabitha Crowley...
Excuse me, now I'm doubled over with laughter.If you could only see the visual that went through my mind when that trio was spoken from my lips. Oh wait, I'm getting myself together, lets check it out.
JESUS: Sorry that just about killed me. Jason Royce, Jason Royce, it's just hard to believe that any booker would simply put that whine ass bitch inside the same ring as me. It's no secret this fucking drippy snatch has been leaking allover the APW. Making a mess in the back, leaking like a sieve. Listen Jason, before you walk the ramp later...ask Tabitha to give you a tampon...shove it in your twat to dry it up OK. I mean seriously...a big fucking WA NH!!! You lost your title...a low life, second rate wrestler like you actually having a title is bad enough, but more then one. Please you not qualified to mop up a peep show booth let alone step foot inside here with me. Yet it's happening, like it has in the past. Just like the past sunshine, you will be on the loosing end of that stick.
Your the ICEMAN, while I am the Hottest Shit Going. I am the top of the food chain, while your the fecal matter that is shat out after the food chain is digested. Jason I suggest you take a break from the sport, maybe go re-invent your self. Come back with a mask on, dance inside the ring, and become a crowd favorite...if it works for Christopher Daniels, then it could surely work for you. Either way...just please...please stop polluting the wrestling world with the severe anal rape that is Jason Royce. I mean you take and you take...when will it end. Tonight Jason...I say NO, and no means no. No more mind numbing promos from you, no more bore fest matches with you in them, no more Jason Royce just putting it in where it's not wanted. Tonight I snap it off, and shove it up your ass. I end this abuse that you are putting us through Jason. The charges have been pressed, you will be sentenced...for the rape of APW.
Whew, thats was a doozy. Now I'm taking a breath for a second, uh..here I go again.
JESUS: Now Tabitha Corwley...it seems our last match was interrupted. You apparently didn't want any more of my sexual dominance. My in ring showmanship was too much for you to handle. You brought a blade out, and played what I call the BITCH CARD. It's fitting, but I may classify you more as a cunt. None the less here we are once more. Like the fiendish whore you are, your crawling back for round two. The first modern day mouth pumping was good enough...some one is dreaming for seconds. Well then I will oblige darling. I won't stop there, maybe for this match I should bust out the custom tights Twister gave me for Christmas, and bless the world with an easy access tea bagging. Or should we go with the Arabian Sand Goggles, or a Rusty Trombone...either way all firsts inside a wrestling ring...brought to you by ME. So maybe our INTERNET crew will put up a poll prior to the match to determine which of those gems you will receive.
No matter how you slice it sugar tits, your in the ring with a man. Not just any old man...but thee fucking man. Thee man that pushes the envelope each and every week. I out shinned you once before, and this time will be no different. Your the equivalent to a deranged homeless skank on main street offering up ten dollar gummer jobs. Listen maybe it's time your taught your manors, taught your place, and who better to do just that then ME. Thats right the Woman Hater. Maybe I'll break out my map, memorize the path...and introduce you to the Sweet Uterus music for all to see. This time though, crabby cootch, if you bring that blade out I'm slicing your taint, so Trevor can get inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for the first man to receive anal, all while getting vag at the same exact time.
This is the point in the promo where I get a drink of water. Spitting out such filth needs a rinsing from time to time.
JESUS: Now, onto the jacked up freak none as Carl Cage. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of you is....HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DID YOU GET A WORLD TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME!
Easy Mike, take a breath, there you go, no continue.
JESUS: Oh well, I guess big brainless fucking idiots is what this company wishes to have as their flagship champions. So trying to replace the retarded man cow with a large monkey brained mongoloid like your self is just fitting. You may have though that was the defining moment of your career thus far, but listen up chump...cause tonight your going to be famous. Tonight I can warm up one of theses super kicks just for you. Maybe you'll make the next cover of APW magazine as I plant this pretty boot in your mush. If anything it will be on the APW website, and you can tell your family to check it out. Log on to see that you tangled with greatness. You tussled with the JESUS. Tonight Carl Cage you become a man, you balls drop. Hair sprouts on your chest, and you move up to the big leagues. You see you have done the jobbing for the champ thing before, now you simply just do one clean in the middle for me and my team mates. Thats right, your have graduated to Brooklyn Brawler status. All the little kiddies at home will tune in to boo me, and notice that it's that one guy who looses all the time, and chose to team up with that other looser.
Now for the last time I switch cameras again. Turning to my left looking directly into the lens.
JESUS: So tonight the ink is dry on the contract, the match has been hyped, and you three little piggies are going to encounter the big bad wolf, his partner that will blow your house down, and the other that if were lucky will simply just offer up some celebratory blows of her own. You future has already been written out ladies, your walking into a shit storm with no galoshes, rain coats or umbrellas. Just let it happen, embrace it, and move on, you three aren't the first, or the last to be shit on by the JESUS. So close those eyes just before you enter the ring, think about those dreams, your future here in APW, and then feel that sweet warmth that will flow shortly there after as I piss all over your chances of success.
Now I will surely throw the mic down, yep right on cue, and here comes another JESUS pose, uhh..and a wad of spit for the slack jawed asshole in the front row with a Jason Royce shirt on. They make Jason Royce shirts, fuck me, I really have to end this prick tonight. So thats it folks, I will be walking back to my locker room after so boo's, and trash being thrown toward me. I will wait for the time to come, when they give me that courtesy knock to let me know that I'm up next.
**SIGH**
You can say thats one hell of a way to end such an amazing year for myself. Speaking of myself, look here I come.
Michael Lively the enters the arena. The man has a swagger in his walk.
Look at that, it's a shame, such a rugged waist line to be bare so soon after the holidays. God, even without a belt I look damn good. Like the Hottest Shit Going, or maybe the son of God. OK, so it looks like I have arrived, and I don't look very happy. Hey, who would be happy with an ego like mine, and dropping a title live in front of millions. Now where is my mother.
The camera then picks up Ms. Lively walking into the arena dragging her and her sons bags behind.
Mothers, some people cherish them. Others treat them like precious gems, me, I give the bitch a nice pay check to follow me around, carry my bags, take a couple of chin shots, and totally mark out. Beats working the corner if you ask me. Now it seems after my last performance, and knowing myself like I do, I probably am heading to Jeff's office. Now inside Jeff's office I will throw a fit, curse and moan, make comments about not being the legal man in the match, the ref was hired by Streets Wilson, and Julian Bale used to be a gay porn star. All of that ranting and raving will fall on deaf ears. Jeff will roll his eyes, tell me he has things covered, and he knows how to run a wrestling company...bla...bla. Those comments of course will fly in my ear, and out my other. You see I don't care about many things, except ME. After getting nowhere with the super hero, I will surely leave his office slamming the door behind me, causing his Level One poster to fall to the ground, in turn pissing him off even more. As I leave his office I'm sure Jason Royce will make his way in. The Iceman will probably try to bitch and moan about his title loss as well. Poor bastard doesn't realize I have already stirred Jeff's shit....uhh ohh...fuck him...it's just Jason Royce.
Now as I make my way through the arena, looking ever so excellent, I may come across my tag team partner Twister. The weak link of our team if you ask me, and I'm sure if you ask him, I'm his opinion. Like I stated before, I don't give three flying shit stains about anybody but myself. So I will stop, talk with the weak link, then be informed that I indeed have a match this evening. Excuse me, WE have a match along side Arcadia. This news will surely send me into a heavenly tail spin. I will flip out like I usually do, get over it by storming off to my locker room. My mother will be there waiting with my gear, catch a solid super kick to the face. Then my nerves will ease. My tension will release. Some guy's smoke to calm themselves, others lock the door, smash their meat into a sock until the love juice flows free (Yeah you ICY), ME...I simply kick my mother square in the jaw. She is such a good spot, and puts me over every time by falling out clean. Alright, so this part of the story I will probably get ready for my match. I will pull out my newest pair of custom air brushed tights thanks to the one and only Jimmy The Mouth of the South Hart. Yep these ones are classic, they have me on the front super kicking Julian Bale in his puss, and Streets Wilson in tears as I have the deadliest pinky grip locked on him. Thats right the tights have me whipping both those bitches, like I did in the title match until Twister fucked things up.
Anyways, I will get ready, lace up my boots, stand. As I do, a wave of frustration will come over me. This would be the time I put that title belt into my pants so it can swing freely between my legs, covering my heavenly man parts. My second title in APW, and my second title loss. This reign wasn't quite the same as the first. You see the first, I dominated the Overdrive scene. The first I had only my self to count on, no one else to get in the way. Now Twister is a great wrestler, he did loose to me though, but he is still great. Now as a tag team we were damn good. We simply got beat, no excuses, no bullshit. I may talk a ton of shit, but simply put I can back it up. Now I am lost again, talking about ME, gets me all tangled in a web of my greatness. Yeah I'm standing there thinking about how I used to have a belt to place there, and how this reign wasn't as good as the last. Now knowing me-self like I do, I'm thinking whats next. DO I stick with the jacked physical specimen that tosses back the JD and run for that gold once more. That would be one theory, or I could make that singles run, head on up to the Extreme title scene like I had my eyes set on. That one seems appealing, it fits my agenda of becoming the first Grand Slam Champion in APW. The Extreme title has been tossed around like a fucking hot potato fresh from the Ruby farm. I'd check that tater for man goo, The Greanleaf Sicko was recently spotted taking a break from animals, and poking taters.
Now I'm day dreaming about the Extreme title, how it would look around my waist, hanging between my legs, then realizing a trash can lid doesn't really hand real well, or make for a safe environment for the JESUS jewels. As I stand there, my mother begins to groan. It seems she is regaining her consciousness. Thats there is my Que, to exit the locker room. You see I have a one kick limit, and being around her for too long will surely get me to break that policy. So I open the door, slam it behind me and walk through the back. As I do, I look around. I notice with my paranoia that simpletons of the APW are looking at me. With my delusions I begin to wonder if they are looking at me cause I am naked without a title. It simply gets shrugged off for the moment cause I have other plans. The powers that be in APW know what I can do, the asses I put in seats, and the draw that comes when the JESUS holds gold. Fans flock to the arena to see what I will do next. People tune in to hear what I will say next. New superstars join the roster to be next....the next ass kicked by Michael Lively. My next title shot will come in time, but now I have a match to prepare for. I have a promo to cut, and these people looking at me with the fuck me eyes will have to get dealt with later. Thats right, after I cut a modern day "Let Me Tell You Somethin' Brother" promo inside that ring, I will march back here. I will waltz over kick the caterer right in the face, slap the shit out of the hair stylist, and beat the fucking shit out that gay seamstress Pablo for looking at Michael Lively as a failure.
So with that cleared up in my own head, I move on. Through the back, over the river, around some snow, to the entrance ramp I go. As I stop by the technical table, giving Sam the engineer the iggy to cue my music and video, I jump in the air, stretch my arms, and get ready to make my way into the hate filled arena. Through the curtain I can see the lights dim. The roar of the crowd is deafening. A smile comes over my face. You see these people right this very moment are expecting some action, something great. They are about to receive it. But it's not the greatness they wish to see, or hear. In just seconds that stirring roar of cheers will quickly be transformed into a chorus of boo's. Once my music hits, these fucking idiots will begins the FUCK YOU JESUS chants, prep their soda cups for throwing, and stretch out their middle finger for the work out of the evening. You see as I stand here ready to enter the arena, I know full well that I am a success. I set out to be the most hated man in wrestling, and have done just that, received all the hate. Along the way I chose to also become the most decorated man in APW. That goal is being reached. Tonight though, is a night I hate. The show after a huge smash hit PPV. A match that means nothing to me. A match that doesn't give me a title shot. A match that doesn't even help out my singles win record. This match is a filler for the program. A match thrown together for the fans who payed their money to see wrestlers beat the shit out of each other. Normally I would be in the highest of spirits going into such a downer, but like always I'm chipper. I ready to roll, cause my ultimate thrill is making these fucking puke fans boo me. Driving my greatness down their throat. Making them hate me with each victory, with each fantastic move I perform.
Then it happens, the music hits, the boo's begin, and snow starts to fall in the arena. I flip up my hood, and step through the curtain. Out stretch my arms welcoming the snow flakes, and the hate. I flip the hood off, smirking while pointing to my chest, telling each fans looking that I am the fucking man. Letting them know just how great I am, especially compared to their overall suck-ness. I make my stride down the ramp, flipping fans off, tell them to shove it up their ass. Then my favorite, I find a kid sitting ringside. Get right in his face. Listen to him jaw off for moment, and then usually spit right in his face. Look, I think I found one, yep I did. Wait...it looks like I'm planning something different. ***BOOM*** Nice a solid right handed slap across the kids face. Now security comes running over. They get there pretty quick, seeing that their are qued to the fact that I always pick some lucky brat out for the JESUS treatment.
Now I enter the ring, and strike that ever so hated JESUS pose. Now on the mic you will never hear me say this, but in narration I can do whatever. I stole the JESUS pose. Shocking, I know, but being the son of God, which in APW terms means the apprentice of Kenny Lambardo it was only fitting that I adapt that super smooth pose as my own, and flare it up with a little JESUS touch. So as the pose is finished, and I snag up a mic. I suddenly realize that Twister told me that we were teaming with Arcadia, but didn't tell me who we were facing. OK, I'll be honest, I probably didn't give him a chance after throwing a modern day ICEMAN fit over the fact that I am teaming with thee woman who not only took my Overdrive title, but tried to crucify me. Seriously that can drive you ape shit, have you ever been crucified...then you don't understand do you asshole. Now, not knowing who I am facing can make cutting a promo a challenge. So I ask the time keeper to come over. I ask him who it is that will be blessed this evening. He looks at me as if I am high on Crack. Then I reply..who am I fighting dick nuts. He then tells me, and I take center ring. Just as I hold the mic up, it happens.
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
I then wave my arms like a conductor along with the stupid fans as they chant. Then I cut, as if motioning for it to stop. Like the brainless cock faces these fans can be the continue on. So if I have to sit through it, then so do you.
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
***FUCK YOU JESUS***
Finally it stops, and I hold the mic up for the crowds enlightenment of the evening.
JESUS: Alright you retarded bunch of wasted sperm listen close.
God that wasn't smart if I really wanted to get a word in. Now these shitty fans how begun boo'ing me more. Alright here we go lets see if I can calm it down a bit some maybe we can finish this promo in a timely fashion.
JESUS: It's cool cum sniffer's I got all night.
Fuck me, I really am not a sensible person. Oh well, it pays the bills.
JESUS: So I'm sure you people are pretty amazed, and utterly shocked that there is no longer a title between my legs.
Like clockwork these fucks begin cheering. I knew they would, I have these fuckers in the palm of my hand.
JESUS: So this is where I am supposed to congratulate the new champs, tell them how great they did...but I won't.
More boo's...God I'm good.
JESUS: anything can happen on any given night. It seems that Julia Styles and Street Car Named Desire got the nod. They walked out with the belts, and probably feel real good about themselves right about now. All I can say...is enjoy it while you can sluts. Now on to tonight. Once more the Acts of God...
I love that name. I thought of it, while my partner came up with the Holy Storm. You see the whole storm thing is played out...Kaotik Storm...Furious Storm...or whatever Storm Jeff and Twister were...either way..the storms over...make way for the Acts of God...besides it sounds so cool.
JESUS: Are going to grace you fags with an in ring appearance. Thats right...we are the hardest working fucks round this joint...so get ready...those tickets in your slimy hands will be collector items after the nights over.
Look at me like a pro. I switch positions to another camera and begin spitting so more of the sweat dialog.
JESUS: It also seems that we will be graced with the presence of Arcadia. Now me and the masked whore of APW...
She claims to be a virgin, but come on...no one bought the fact that Mary was a virgin either. I mean she was knocked up, and having a baby. Simply put...that puss was raided with cock. Anyways...I'm sure this dime piece has been invaded as well, but for image sake...she's a virgin (WINK*WINK)
JESUS: Yeah we have had our differences, and she out gamed me for my Overdrive title, but I was so damn much for her to take, that she couldn't even hardly compete the very next week. She lost the title on the next defense, and to her credit though won it back. So moving on, this filthy broad will be teaming up with the ultra rugged JESUS, and the semi studly Twister, to take on Carl Cage, Jason Royce, and Tabitha Crowley...
Excuse me, now I'm doubled over with laughter.If you could only see the visual that went through my mind when that trio was spoken from my lips. Oh wait, I'm getting myself together, lets check it out.
JESUS: Sorry that just about killed me. Jason Royce, Jason Royce, it's just hard to believe that any booker would simply put that whine ass bitch inside the same ring as me. It's no secret this fucking drippy snatch has been leaking allover the APW. Making a mess in the back, leaking like a sieve. Listen Jason, before you walk the ramp later...ask Tabitha to give you a tampon...shove it in your twat to dry it up OK. I mean seriously...a big fucking WA NH!!! You lost your title...a low life, second rate wrestler like you actually having a title is bad enough, but more then one. Please you not qualified to mop up a peep show booth let alone step foot inside here with me. Yet it's happening, like it has in the past. Just like the past sunshine, you will be on the loosing end of that stick.
Your the ICEMAN, while I am the Hottest Shit Going. I am the top of the food chain, while your the fecal matter that is shat out after the food chain is digested. Jason I suggest you take a break from the sport, maybe go re-invent your self. Come back with a mask on, dance inside the ring, and become a crowd favorite...if it works for Christopher Daniels, then it could surely work for you. Either way...just please...please stop polluting the wrestling world with the severe anal rape that is Jason Royce. I mean you take and you take...when will it end. Tonight Jason...I say NO, and no means no. No more mind numbing promos from you, no more bore fest matches with you in them, no more Jason Royce just putting it in where it's not wanted. Tonight I snap it off, and shove it up your ass. I end this abuse that you are putting us through Jason. The charges have been pressed, you will be sentenced...for the rape of APW.
Whew, thats was a doozy. Now I'm taking a breath for a second, uh..here I go again.
JESUS: Now Tabitha Corwley...it seems our last match was interrupted. You apparently didn't want any more of my sexual dominance. My in ring showmanship was too much for you to handle. You brought a blade out, and played what I call the BITCH CARD. It's fitting, but I may classify you more as a cunt. None the less here we are once more. Like the fiendish whore you are, your crawling back for round two. The first modern day mouth pumping was good enough...some one is dreaming for seconds. Well then I will oblige darling. I won't stop there, maybe for this match I should bust out the custom tights Twister gave me for Christmas, and bless the world with an easy access tea bagging. Or should we go with the Arabian Sand Goggles, or a Rusty Trombone...either way all firsts inside a wrestling ring...brought to you by ME. So maybe our INTERNET crew will put up a poll prior to the match to determine which of those gems you will receive.
No matter how you slice it sugar tits, your in the ring with a man. Not just any old man...but thee fucking man. Thee man that pushes the envelope each and every week. I out shinned you once before, and this time will be no different. Your the equivalent to a deranged homeless skank on main street offering up ten dollar gummer jobs. Listen maybe it's time your taught your manors, taught your place, and who better to do just that then ME. Thats right the Woman Hater. Maybe I'll break out my map, memorize the path...and introduce you to the Sweet Uterus music for all to see. This time though, crabby cootch, if you bring that blade out I'm slicing your taint, so Trevor can get inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for the first man to receive anal, all while getting vag at the same exact time.
This is the point in the promo where I get a drink of water. Spitting out such filth needs a rinsing from time to time.
JESUS: Now, onto the jacked up freak none as Carl Cage. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of you is....HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DID YOU GET A WORLD TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME!
Easy Mike, take a breath, there you go, no continue.
JESUS: Oh well, I guess big brainless fucking idiots is what this company wishes to have as their flagship champions. So trying to replace the retarded man cow with a large monkey brained mongoloid like your self is just fitting. You may have though that was the defining moment of your career thus far, but listen up chump...cause tonight your going to be famous. Tonight I can warm up one of theses super kicks just for you. Maybe you'll make the next cover of APW magazine as I plant this pretty boot in your mush. If anything it will be on the APW website, and you can tell your family to check it out. Log on to see that you tangled with greatness. You tussled with the JESUS. Tonight Carl Cage you become a man, you balls drop. Hair sprouts on your chest, and you move up to the big leagues. You see you have done the jobbing for the champ thing before, now you simply just do one clean in the middle for me and my team mates. Thats right, your have graduated to Brooklyn Brawler status. All the little kiddies at home will tune in to boo me, and notice that it's that one guy who looses all the time, and chose to team up with that other looser.
Now for the last time I switch cameras again. Turning to my left looking directly into the lens.
JESUS: So tonight the ink is dry on the contract, the match has been hyped, and you three little piggies are going to encounter the big bad wolf, his partner that will blow your house down, and the other that if were lucky will simply just offer up some celebratory blows of her own. You future has already been written out ladies, your walking into a shit storm with no galoshes, rain coats or umbrellas. Just let it happen, embrace it, and move on, you three aren't the first, or the last to be shit on by the JESUS. So close those eyes just before you enter the ring, think about those dreams, your future here in APW, and then feel that sweet warmth that will flow shortly there after as I piss all over your chances of success.
Now I will surely throw the mic down, yep right on cue, and here comes another JESUS pose, uhh..and a wad of spit for the slack jawed asshole in the front row with a Jason Royce shirt on. They make Jason Royce shirts, fuck me, I really have to end this prick tonight. So thats it folks, I will be walking back to my locker room after so boo's, and trash being thrown toward me. I will wait for the time to come, when they give me that courtesy knock to let me know that I'm up next.
