No Silver Lining To Your Punk-Ass On Overdrive!

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
B
-U T O P I A-
S
S

[/color]

Episode 31 - "No Silver Lining To Your Punk-Ass On Overdrive!"

The Carnival[/u]

So here’s one for ya: Santa Claus, a smart blonde, and Roy Speede as an official wrestler on Overdrive all get pushed off a bridge at the same time. Which one of ‘em hits the ground first?

None of them. Because none of them are real, or have the possibility of being real!

Delikado throws his head back, howling with laughter at his own joke before he stops and holds up his hand in a high-five motion for any of his team around him as they are gearing up outside their cars. Silence lingers as the Carringtons look at Delikado, who bends his eyebrows down in confusion.

Boss Delikado: The hell is it with nobody accepting high-fives around here lately? First Evan and now you people? Delikado’s like a man without a country. A country in the shape of a hand that can slap his own hand-country-thing in a five! Highly!

Sofia softly scoffs under her breath as she curls her whip and attaches it to a strap at her back. Meanwhile Delikado grumbles and loads champagne bottles into the backseat of his Smart Car Monster Truck.

Boss Delikado: Eff you chumps. That joke was funny. AND true! Ya know, Mark Twinge said that’s the best way to BE funny, to just state the truth, the FACTS! That’s why the Great Gabby was so great and shit!

Sofia rests her head against the door of her car in a sudden, agonized manner.

Sofia Monzón: Oh my God, school teachers the world over just collapsed on the floor and started weeping…

Boss Delikado: Yeah, they collapsing cuz I’m so GREAT that it knocks ya down! And that weeping? Probably cuz they know Delikado’s about to fuck that little ‘Silver Surfing’ queer up so bad, it’ll be like a masterpiece! Make ya CRY like a GIRL! Of course, Delikado don’t do crying. First off, cuz he’s a man. A man’s man. And second, Delikado never bought into it, the disease of crying. Anyway, you guys shut up for five seconds and let’s get ready. Jeeeesh…

Delikado strolls around the lot of cars, slapping Ron Reynolds in the back of the head as he does so, LIKE A BAWSE, and pulls a cigar from his pocket. The other riders, comprised of Sofia, Manny Valdez, Jet Carrington, Ron Reynolds, and Dr. Apartment, go to their respective vehicles. Entering his vehicle, Delikado rolls down his window as he slowly begins to pull away from the carnival, staring at Ariel Hassle as she folds her arms at the fence. A pale but blank look is etched in her facial features, to which Delikado bitterly snickers and roars away from the carnival, a vehicular armada at his back.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

The Wal-Mart

Sofia kicks a stray shopping cart out of her way and scans the parking lot of THE Wal-Mart.

Sofia: So WHY are we here, exactly…?

Delikado appears at her side, still smoking his cigar as he smiles with pride.

Boss Delikado: Big doings, Sofia. BIGGUH. Especially in the very near future, if Delikado’s APW contacts are correct, which they are, because Delikado only surrounds himself with the best, with winners, with men who only tell FACTS! And with those FACTS!, Delikado wants to come full-throttle with his prep work and goods. He wants to have it ALL and then some! And what better place to get everything for your plans of Cuban conquest in your business of professional wrestling, Action Packed Wrestling, than The Wal-Mart?

Jet Carrington: Isn’t it JUST “Wal-Mart?”

Boss Delikado: Yeah, if you’re stupid and ugly and poor and your last name is another word for a high rate of motion with a gimmicky, unnecessary “e” at the end! But no, this is The Wal-Mart, The Wal-Mart of Champions. It’s gonna give Delikado anything and everything he needs to do work, make it rain, all that wonderful stuff, and he wants it now more than ever given what he’s gotta do this week.

The gang makes their way toward The Wal-Mart, with Delikado leading the way and pushing people out of his path.

Manny Valdez: Why this week in particular?

Boss Delikado: Well because it’s Roy Speede, Manny. It’s The Silver Linebacker, cheater of cheaters, the most revolting mouth-shitter of skuzzy ugliness that’s ever cheated his way into a man’s company with his stupid voice and lying forehead.

Jet: Wow. Aggressive.

Dr. Apartment: Yes, and if I may, Mr. Delikado, you should remain calm, as your rabies suppressants haven’t kicked in yet.

Boss Delikado: Bah, Delikado’s calm as a clam, Doc. App! GET OUT OF MY WAY, GRANDMA!

Delikado leaps back and delivers the Last Call to Cuba to a cutout of a sweet old granny that is presenting some kind of bread, slicing the cutout’s head off. If it’d been an actual granny, who KNOWS what would have happened, but Delikado blows his head back straight and coolly saunters down the aisle with a basket in hand.

Boss Delikado: Besides, Delikado NEEDS to be aggressive when he enters the ring with that deceiver of goodness and opposite of talent. He cheated Delikado last time we faced after all…

Sofia: And how’s that exactly…? Because I seem to recall you underestimated him and Deruty in that Tag Team Tournament and ended up being pinned in the ring.

Delikado spins around, getting right in Sofia’s face with a venomous look in his burning, Cuban eyes. Even as Delikado speaks in a hate-filled passion, however, Sofia stands her ground, something nobody else in the DTV gang would be able to do.

Boss Delikado: He used the rope! He could not defeat Delikado cleanly, not even with a finishing move, no…he had to alter the Meltdown ring before our match even began, before the SHOW even began, to make it so the ropes were closer. Then when battle came, he could not—COULD NOT—match me by even a HALF in ANY way, and so he used those ropes to steady his momentum! Speede couldn’t even PIN Delikado proper, and yet history, or, more properly, MELTDOWN HISTORY, seems to view him as some great figure, so great that he is worthy to come compete on DELIKADO’S Overdrive, to be ON Delikado’s Overdrive maybe!? Bullshit, Delikado says, and he’ll bury YOU in bull’s shit if you bring up that tragedy and outright LIE again, Sofia! Pin Deli? Puh. He can’t even HURT me!

Delikado and Sofia continue to share their heated staredown before Delikado breaks first and returns to his shopping. He grabs some duct tape and bags it.

Boss Delikado: And just to make sure Speede doesn’t try to tamper with the ring a SECOND time, Delikado’s going to be doing some shopping. Shopping of goods he can set up and use to bend the ring to his OWN will this Thursday!

Jet: Wouldn’t that be cheating just like Roy Speede did then…?

Boss Delikado: No, Jet! God, you’re a fool! FOOL! It isn’t cheating if you’re getting payback for an initial cheat done against you! This is a just cause Deli is pursuing! Goodness and the fates are on my side, as is all of professional wrestling!

Young Boy: Wow, you’re Delikado!

Delikado stops as a youngster approaches him with a smile. The Cuban turns to his crew and grins cockily.

Boss Delikado: See? Look at this young child-person approach Delikado! No doubt he wishes to bid me luck and plead for me to make Speede’s defeat and return hurl to Meltdown painful and horrific to endure; so horrific, Speede may just have to retire…or die, whichever I’m in the mood to do.

Delikado now turns to the apparent fan, who still waits patiently.

Boss Delikado: Hello there. Would you like Delikado to bring you Roy Speede’s battered and bloodied head to your school for “show and tell” when he’s done kicking it around like a football? It is the least Delikado can do for you, fan of me.

Young Boy: Nah, I just wanted to tell you that I hate you and you suck donkey wee-wee. Bye!

The boy gaily skips off around the corner, leaving Delikado frozen in surprise and confusion. The rest of the team can’t help but snicker, even as Delikado flashes them all a dirty look.

Boss Delikado: CLEARLY that was Roy Speede’s one and only fan. Or it was Deruty dressed up as a midget trying to mess with Delikado’s head so his teammate can get yet ANOTHER unearned, not actually a win, check in the happy place on his scoreboard…

Sofia: Ha, WHAT?!

Boss Delikado: BAH, DELIKADO DOESN’T KNOW!

The Cuban angrily storms off down the aisles, grabbing things and flinging them into his basket. His gestures and overall attitude attracts the attention of countless shoppers, but Deli ignores them as he mumbles darkly to himself.

Boss Delikado: Why should Delikado be concerned!? Speede didn’t even win that Tag Tourney either, after all that bullshit he threw! Little no-talent hack! Little Meltdown BITCH!

Delikado stops by the produce section and abruptly snaps. He jerks a champagne bottle out of his jacket and swings it toward a melon.

Boss Delikado: NEVER IN DELIKADO’S OVERDRIVE SHALL YOU COMPETE AGAIN, SILVER STAIN OF SHAME!!!

The melon explodes all over the place, catching the full, surprised attention of every nearby The Wal-Mart shopper and employee.

Random Teenager: Hey, that’s Delikado!

Random Woman: Da Bawse?! Gnarly!

Random Man: Honey , look, it’s that Cuban wrestler from the talking box!

Random Grandpa: Yes, I want to return this apple that I purchased and took a bite out of two minutes ago……and is that Delikado?

Delikado, realizing the masses are accumulating on his location, tosses aside his basket and jumps atop the nearest fruit stand. He extends his arms at his side in a grand fashion.

Boss Delikado: YES! It is I, Boss Delikado! Here to tell YOU, The Wal-Mart populace, that like I crushed this melon moments ago, so shall I too crush the hopes and dreams of a future career for Roy Speede on the Overdrive brand! SO MUCH CRUSHING, into a fine powder, of which Delikado will snort up his Bawse nostrils! Then, and only THEN, when Speede’s silvery powder self is sloshing around in my colon, waiting to be pissed away, as he has pissed away so many chances to be of use to me and my APW by serving in shitty companies prior to our great industry, will Roy Speede be able to say he was on Overdrive and it wasn’t a horrible, VOMIT-INDUCING FAIL!! Only when The Silver Lining is part of Delikado’s physical self will Roy Speede be able to announce, “I am actually doing something GOOD and MEMORABLE with my career and live and THINGS!!!!” ONLY. THEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! And THAT, good people, is only if Delikado SNORTS the powder that he shatters his enemy into! Pray, oh you fan of Speede if you’re still out there to tell Delikado he sucks the “donkey wee-wee”, pray…that Delikado doesn’t sweep the Powdered Speede into a sewer!

Delikado drops to his hands and knees before a The Wal-Mart employee and lets out some sort of hiss/bark/caw sound that splashes saliva all over the man’s face and upper body. Silence falls over the area—even Sofia and the gang are silent—as Delikado stands up and calmly wipes spit from the corners of his mouth. After a few awkward seconds, one man steps forward. He calmly strokes his chin as he analyzes Delikado like a scientist, and then makes his announcement.

Scientist: Hey………this is the guy who ordered Fredo’s death! He’s a monster!

It’s now Delikado’s turn to be confused.

Boss Delikado: Uh, who?

Scientist: GET HIM!

Suddenly the The Wal-Mart shoppers turn into a giant lynch mob that tries to grab Delikado, only Mister Cuba is quick to dive off the fruit stand and run. He lets out a screech like a bat as he sails past his crew.

Boss Delikado: GAAAAAAH! IT’S RAISIN KAIN!!

Cut to a shot of some dude sitting in a chair staring at his laptop bursting out into a gleeful, oh-so-creative smile.

Now cut back to The Wal-Mart where Delikado has rushed past his gang. The mob members stop and look at Sofia and the others with accusing looks.

Scientist: Look! These must be the rest of the “Godfather” characters who killed Fredo! GET THEM TOO!

Sofia: Oh come on! Can’t you just go kill Delika—

Dr. Apartment grabs Sofia’s arm and pulls her with him as the rest of the gang has already fled to save their own asses.

Dr. Apartment: Less talkie, more runnie, Miss Monzón!

Meanwhile, Jet is catching up to Delikado, who is almost out the door as he vaults over school children on a field trip (support your local schools and their budgets won’t be so shitty, America…). Panting, the smaller Carrington yells out to Da Bawse.

Jet: What the hell is happening, Bawse?!

Boss Delikado: *huff* Clearly…*wheeze* clearly we’ve stumbled across a Roy Speede fan HIVE! That wretched *hack* BASTARD! He can’t even win FANS, *cough* he has to artificially create them!! Ugh…Delikado…is TOO in-shape to run…gaaaah!

Sofia suddenly sprints past Deli and Jet, through the parking lot. Jet speeds up, and both Ron Reynolds and Manny Valdez speed by seconds later, leaving Delikado to widen the gap between him and his “friends”. The mob can be heard shouting behind Delikado, and when he looks back, he sees them gaining on him.

Lynch Mobber: RIP HIM APART!! FOR FREEEEDOOOOOOOO!!

Boss Delikado: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Dr. Apartment: Mr. Delikado!

Delikado looks to his side as Dr. Apartment appears next to him. Both men run out of The Wal-Mart toward their parked vehicles. The mob can be heard pounding their feet in a predatory manner as they close in. Delikado grits his teeth as he stumbles and begins to slow down.

Dr. Apartment: You can do it, Mr. Delikado!

Delikado looks up, and through his sweaty eyes he sees Sofia and the others still running, with their backs to him and Apartment. He then looks to Dr. Apartment, who is rushing just as quick as he can too. The Cuban finally darts his eyes down to a rock and scoops it up as he runs. Without a second thought, Delikado hurls the rock at Dr. Apartment, causing him to faceplant onto the pavement. As Delikado runs past the floored Doctor, he feigns a horrified expression.

Boss Delikado: Oh nOoOoO, those Roy Speede loving bastards threw a rock at you, Doc. App! How COLD and CHEATING!

Dr. Apartment groans and lifts himself up to look as the mob gets only a few feet away, now eyeing the poor defenseless doctor. Delikado, using this distraction, high-tails it to the others. Valdez is the first to see Delikado arriving and Dr. Apartment left behind.

Manny: No! The Doc!

Boss Delikado: Leave him, he’s stupid!

Delikado leaps into his Smart Car Monster Truck and starts the engine. Everyone else looks in shock as the mob beats on Dr. Apartment, “for Fredo” as they keep shouting. Ron Reynolds, with a determined look, rushes back to help his friend.

Ron Reynolds: Time to earn me that “Main Character” status!

Delikado’s vehicle zips off, unintentionally (or perhaps intentionally if you want Delikado to be THAT evil) running over and destroying one of the other cars his teammates used to get here, leaving them down to one car…

Sofia: GOD-FUCKING-DAMN IT!

The camera rapidly spins between Delikado roaring away in his vehicle, and Sofia and the gang as they are forced to deal with an incoming wave of lynch mobbers. Dramatic cut to black.

To Be Continued…

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Baking With Delikado

Staged applause begins as we open to what look like a cooking show. Delikado, wearing an apron, turns to the camera.

Boss Delikado: Hi. Delikado knows we just ended that bit on a cliffhanger, and some of you might want to keep going with that, but chances are you’ll love THIS twice as much. Welcome to our new segment ‘Baking with Delikado’! I’m your tasty host, Boss Delikado. Let’s get under way. Today we’re baking…

Delikado pulls out a pie.

Boss Delikado: A PIE! Isn’t that wonderful? Mmmmmmm….

Delikado gently sets the pie down as piano music plays in the background. The apron-wearing Cuban smiles as he slowly navigates around the kitchen.

Boss Delikado: Now as you’re all probably aware, a good pie is like a good APW. It takes a lot of love and detail to make it juuuust riiiight, and you can’t go adding any elements you THINK might be good just for old frilly nillies. No, hee-hee, that’s buttercup nicker shenanigans is what that is. And so my APW, you know Delikado loves you. Overdrive, hey Overdrive. Looking at you in particular, sweetie. Yessir, mhmm. You’re my favorite, *whispering* but don’t go telling your brother Asylum or your half-bred fish-cousin Meltdown.

Delikado pulls up a pot and some eggs. He begins to crack the eggs and dump them into the pot, staring directly into the camera with a charming, if not somewhat creepy, smile.

Boss Delikado: This week, we’ve got some old silly doodles trying to do just the sort of adding of unwanted elements that I just said was wrong. They’re trying to introduce some Silver Lining Roy Speede into our Overdrive pie, after shipping him across the ocean from ol Meltdown. Now, chil’ran, can you tell me something else that came across the ocean to be forcefully blended with our society against its will, despite most people saying it would be good…?

…

That’s riiiiight! Parsnip! And slavery!

Delikado bows gently as he finishes dumping the eggs in the pot. He takes a mixer and mixes the eggs together.

Boss Delikado: Yessir, losta Roy Speede parsnip slaves them APW masters are trying to enforce on our Overdrive, and yet…they’ve seen it wise to hire Delikado to be the judge and ultimo master of deciding if Speede actually gets to go on our top-tier quality brand before he actually earns it with a draft like everyone else. You know, like what the original plan WAS when we MADE the draft, you buncha cocksucking—

Delikado stops himself, making a peaceful fist to calm down.

Boss Delikado: Ooooohooommmmmmm…Ahhh, much better. So you see, the “powers that be” would see Delikado share a ring with Speede and wrestle him, under the condition that if he wins, he gets to move to Overdrive early. But I say, where does that leave ME? What is Delikado’s reward for winning? Sure, I’ll win and get lots of momentum, but let’s face it, Delikado’s pro. He’s pro, APW, and he doesn’t NEED your momentum. Quite the opposite, Delikado does better doing what he wants and how he pleases, doing it right, and paving his own way through the APW. “Like A Bawse” isn’t just a catchy slogan, but a means to an end, boys and girls. An end that, as the officiator of deciding if Roy Speede is deserving of being on MY Overdrive, I feel inclined to say Speede should not be a part of. And here’s why…you’ll love this Speede-ie- doodle....

Delikado stops stirring the eggs and walks over to the original pie he showed us. At first he holds it up with that fake, show-cook smile, before suddenly dropping character.

Boss Delikado: Ya know what, I ain’t got time for this bit.

Delikado jabs his hand into the pie and pulls out…a letter. He unfolds it and coughs before lifting the letter up to read.

Boss Delikado: This right here is a letter Roy Speede sent to Delikado after our initial verbal exchanges, before we actually fought…*ahem*

“Dear Douchebag,”

Right away you notice Speede is an artist with the words...

“Dear Douchebag,

You had no right to use me or Deruty in your segment earlier yesterday. How DARE you. What gives you the RIGHT?! You better tell me what that was about, or I will come to your house and hurt you something fierce. We would never, EVER let you use us against our wills like that. Did you drug us or something? Because you totally made us tarnish ourselves like dicks up there.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck fucker.

Love, Roy Speede.”

Delikado lowers the letter, a nonchalant look on his face.

Boss Delikado: This happened, folks, and right here it shows you the kind of “speed” thinker Speede is. In case you’re forgetting the bit the letter’s talking about—which you shouldn’t, cuz it was totally awesome—Delikado had actors portraying Roy Speede and Donald Deruty in an extravagant scene for the Tag Team Tournament on Meltdown. Actors. For mockery. Delikado is a mocker. And yet…little Roy-Roy here believed Delikado had somehow, SOMEHOW, used some drugs or black magic or whatever to get the real him and his deadpan partner into a camera shot with me! Talk about ‘Whoosh!’ over the head, am I right?

Yeah, I’m right.

And Delikado’s also right when he says there’s no place for this kind of stupid, overreacting BRAT TACTICS in Delikado’s APW, much less his Overdrive! This is the kind of punk who thinks he and his partner have charisma, which is bullshit first off, but second off…dude, if you have to TELL Delikado you and your partner have charisma as a tag team, you don’t actually have it. Do you see Delikado telling you Envikado has the most charisma and talent out of any tag team in history, that we’re the ONLY tag team that matters, that we are the REAL APW while you and everyone like you are FALSE APWers who just shit in the kiddy pool?

No, Delikado’s never said those things.

Never.

He didn’t even say them just now.

You’re kidding yourself. You’re kidding yourself, Roy, if you think that just because some dude in a striped shirt counted to three that night, that just because my back was down at the PRECISE moment that count to three occurred, that just because you were on top of me, trying to bang Delikado or whatever when his shoulders were down and that count to three went down—JUST BECAUSE AAAAALLL of that happened that night…that you’re better than Delikado, that you’re SO GOOD you should be on Overdrive…then you’re just as deceived as you were with Delikado’s puppets of you and Deruty dancing on the stage. You’re just as wrong, just as mistaken. And that’s the same level of wrong you’ll be bringing to my show this Thursday.

That’s what’s gonna seal your fate; that’s what’s gonna get you kicked to Meltdown on a more permanent basis. You have nothing, NOOOOOOOTHING of what you believe you do. Maybe you had something in you when your hair was silver and you looked like Michael Lively with your little belts in those “no skill required” cesspools, but then again you were a silver-haired little bitch with weightless, plastic belts in a “no skill required” cesspool. But hey, maybe you’ll throw it in Delikado’s face that you’ve done well on Meltdown, an APW brainchild, but the FACT is Roy-Roy that Meltdown is only a minor upgrade, a “some skill welcome, but not required” type of brand. Perhaps now you’ll think to yourself, “Oi, I beat yo stank ass!”, but that again, oh ho, AGAIN…is where you are wrong, Roy Speede. You didn’t beat Delikado. Press rewind if you want to re-hear my tale of all the convenient plot points at play that night.

You didn’t defeat Delikado. You didn’t hurt any level of his being. You proved NOTHING. Except your own inability to go toe-to-toe with a superior fighter such as myself. Any given night. Any given HOUR, you and Deruty want to face Envikado, give us a ring. You can bet Delikado won’t need his actors to upstage you again. But Delikado’s banking on the fact that you won’t be active much longer, nor Deruty. Because once you find yourselves stuck in limbo on Meltdown, you’ll be high-tailing it for one of your cesspool again. It’s sort of like what Delikado told Nick Watson last week: the people who say good things about you are LYING! THEY ARE LYING TO YOU, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM WITH THEIR POSITIVES!!! YOU ARE AN INTOLERABLE, BABY-FACED BI-ATCH! They just want to keep you around as long as they can for a hearty chuckle. That’s why Diamond and all the Meltdown gang are trying to ship you to Overdrive, so they can bring the laugh-track-worthy turd that is your turd-self to the big-time, the supershow with the bigger budget on the channel people actually watch!

But not me. Delikado’s been made the judge, jury, and sex-ecutioner in our match, to decide if you’re for Overdrive today, or Meltdown for the long future to come. Delikado’s through hearing about the ‘Roy Speede’ effect that’s got certain people talking, and he’s ready to make his year a grand one yet again by DE-glorifying the most inglorious bastard to crawl from Meltdown. Of course, Roy, there are some people who will tell Delikado he’s denying Overdrive and APW by defeating you and banning you from his show until you actually earn a spot in one of the drafts a thousand years from a month from now…

However, Delikado likes to think he’s preserving the APW—the REAL APW—by bombing your ass with the Cuban napalm that is my in…CREDIBLE ability…and keeping you in dirty Meltdown shame with your paint-dry-blandness of a partner. The year 2013, Delikado’s Year, is here, Roy, and Delikado sees no place for you in it. If you don’t like it, or any of the other FACTS! Delikado’s just presented to you…send him a fucking letter. He’d love to read it and hang it on his refrigerator…

Delikado, smiling deviously, lifts up the “Roy Speede letter” and uses a magnet to post it on the refrigerator set up in the kitchen. He proceeds to rip the apron off and walk off-camera.

Boss Delikado: LIKE A BAWSE!

The camera turns to the fridge…just as it explodes! The scene cuts to black.[/font][/size]