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Post by Calvin Ingram on Jan 14, 2013 22:06:48 GMT -4
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Jan 16, 2013 1:20:00 GMT -4
Ahhhh.....what?
Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of it. I mean, I get it. Calvin was on Asylum and all, but wow.
The good: the description you used in the narrative. Really liked that, you painted a clear picture.
The bad: the speech and the ending. There's cheesey and then, theres what you wrote. The fact that made yours worse than cheesy is everything prior to it. He's talking normally for him, never made it seem like he's crazy, aside from making Atken his target (more on that later), and then all of a sudden the motherfucker is doing magic and disappearing.
As for the speech minus the Atken stuff, it was, eh for me. I had no idea whether he was a heel or a face. Tweener is a cop-out imo, so if that was the idea, change it for yourself, your writing will be better for it. Writing as a tweener 9.5 times outta ten, holds you back. If he's a tweener, make him go one way or the other quickly. You say some face things and you say some heel things, it's just, kinda all over hte place.
Now for the Phil Atken stuff, I call it the "Eye bigger than the stomach" theory. Here's why this was my least liked part of the writing, first off you're on a Meltdown, and whether Calvin feels he's above the brand or not, and to echo the feedback that Jules gave, don't call it the C show, the fact is that he's on Meltdown until he proves that he's worthy of being back on Asylum.
Now, if T-Marv and Evan decided not to air this and told you it would be better for a house show RP, then I support their decision as this would have hurt hte show because it's completely irrelevant to the show. You spoke more about Asylum, Phil, and Jeff than you did about Meltdown. This is an example of selfish writing. Rather than promote the brand you're on, you spoke about the world champion of another brand, that you USE to be on, that you are no longer on.
IN short, your promo's theme had nothing to do with the show you're on. If i wrote a segment talking about how I don't like Terry Marvin and how I'm gonna end him and his title reign but it's shown on Asylum, well, I hope that Biggs decides not to post it as part of the show.
I hope that you look through the negativity I wrote for the points i made.
- Good description
- Outta no where ending (at least allude to it better)
- Clearer distinction in face or heel, it'll help your character.
- Keep with your show. You can say things about how you use to be on asylum, and how you aim to get back there, but you need to first reprove yourself on Meltdown and talk about how you plan on doing that. You said you were gonna take over Meltdown, "Ho hum another Cameron Wolves/Carmin Rivera/Flake 3/Flake4" See where I'm going with this. Explain how you're gonna do it, explain why you're gonna do it.
I really hope this helped. I apologize for being negative, but that's just how I felt.
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Post by Lord Raab on Jan 16, 2013 2:44:06 GMT -4
Dude. You have to go on Meltdown to start off with especially for people that have returned. Michael Lively came back to APW a while ago and even he had to start on Meltdown before he moved up to Overdrive and I had to start on Meltdown as well as TJ did. You have to put Meltdown first before Asylum and also unless you are in or you are going to be in a feud with Phil.
Don't bring him up especially when you are on Meltdown. I never once brought Atken up in any of my RP's or segments because it's pointless for me to aim at the champion when I am not feuding with him or going for his title and I am on Asylum. Same with TJ and Aubrey as well except recently for matches I have had/having with them but I didn't once brag about going for their title belts.
What I am trying to say is that it's best if you stick to the North American champion on Meltdown which is Logan Alexander at the moment. If you put him in that house show RP then that would've been acceptable along with bringing up the GM's on Meltdown as well.
Yeah I don't like people saying that Meltdown is like the third brand either because it really isn't. It's apart of APW now and there is a lot of talent on there than you can think of. Yeah think about the things that TJ said as well as what I said in the future.
That's all I have to say.
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Post by Jules on Jan 16, 2013 6:46:29 GMT -4
Err, I wasn't going to, but here goes.
1. This character hasn't evolved since Donovan Caine - it's the same cheesy magical dark lord gimmick you had then. Didn't Caine, when he arrived this time last year, say he was targetting C.J. Gates (then Undisputed Champion) because he was a 'cancer' that needed to be removed. TJ says its eyes bigger than belly, I say you're shooting above your weight with this one. This might sound cruel, but nobody is going to take these claims credibly until you have proven you're not the new-Tyler Graves (i.e. make a big comeback every few months, only to flake again in 1 or 2 shows). Get on with establishing your character and your presence in the fed before you even think about the World Heavyweight Championship (and then, only if you're really good and in the right place at the right time).
2. I didn't like the opening paragraph. Sure it was plenty descriptive, but you're no Thomas Hardy, my friend. Also it was extremely telly, it fed way too much information into my mind, I would prefer some pointers that allow my imagination to build the picture for myself. That C.I.A. stuff was enough to make me close the page alone.
3. As for the promo, the opening paragraph is the strongest part of the whole segment.
Actually, there is more than one paragraph there, so you should look at that. Your RPs were always overly chunky in the way you paragraph.
I've quoted the best of what you wrote above. I particularly liked the first three sentences; the reference to Atken here involves a nice bit of wit, but that is all you should have said about Atken - you made your point.
If you'd left the segment here, it would have been passable, maybe even acceptable for 'broadcast', but everything after that was irrelevant (as TJ explained), cheesy and just not to my tastes.
a. You did this disappearing into thin air with Caine; it didn't work then, so it why would it work now?
b. Why would a black skinhead have a tattoo of a Swastika and be a Neo-Nazi? This was dumb.
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The Smooth One
Low Carder
Doin Damage With Words!![F4:The Smooth One]
Posts: 204
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Post by The Smooth One on Jan 16, 2013 10:53:38 GMT -4
Hey dude..you have been taking a beating all week...I am going to repeat this to you over and over again. Take this feedback...massage it..learn from it ...grow from it...come back strong..DO NOT QUIT!! This is coming from an efed rookie...this is all tough love champ!! Let's get to work!!!
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