Song and Shoot

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

All this time we’ve been debating. All you fools, you sit there waiting; wondering when I’m going to speak until I say it, you can’t think. Oh you’d throw me to the floor, where my hopes not living anymore. But my lust to win just can’t be beat. Victory will taste like choc-o-late.

Listen now, to the one, “The Main Man’s” fun has just begun. Oh you macho men and stupid chick, don’t you worry, I’ll make this quick. The crowd they hate to see me gleam, but I’m not done, I’m full of steam. Sunday my music will fill the air and you will see me everywhere.

I’ve been waiting for someone like ya’ll to come here and play with me.
Come play with me
I’ve been hoping that you pricks would show up and set me free
But I can’t see-

No I can’t I just can’t see, The Promise living up his dream.
Neither Raab nor Parker or Hopkins too, I have to tell you true;
Tonight “The Main Man” will make you see
That he is all ya’ll cannot be
Again my music fills the air and you behold me everywhere!

I’ve been thinking that all you have come here to finally play with me.
Finally!
I was searching for someone to blame for last week
-and now I have my Four!

I was searching for just one, just one.
When I found myself you four, you four.
And now I’m just waiting for that bell to finally ring.
I will get you four!

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You know the fun thing about being mentally deranged? I can ignore whatever I want and blame it on brain trauma! I hereby invoke that right.

So let’s talk repetition. How many times do I have to be thrown into the ring with Stefan Raab? Every show I’ve worked, save for that special guest stint on Overdrive, I’ve had to deal with Stefan Raab. Jeez I really think that Commodore Schmidlapp must have a hard on for booking me against that German Codpiece. No one else wants to work with him, why should I? You proved your worthlessness as a tag team partner last week and now you can show why you won’t succeed at Survive and Conquer.

An over the top battle royal, well at least it’s nothing crazy. You should consider yourself lucky. Hell, all of you should. You put me in the ring with a ladder, or lock me in a cage: then you’d have something to worry about. No this is something simple. All you bitches have to do is scamper up and over and you’ll be safe.

Out of one hundred participants, only five members of this brand had the nut to sack up and throw down. And guess who is stepping in the ring first? That’s right. Number eight himself: The Main Man. It’s only right for the greatest and bravest wrestler to jump in the ring first. Some people would call that foolish, maybe even stupid, but that doesn’t concern me. I'm not showing Asylum why I’m the “favorite” like Commodore Schmidlapp so eloquently put it. Instead I will show them why I am the best member of Asylum taking part in Survive and Conquer when I toss the others over top like the rejects they have always been.

Since we’re starting with the best person, Me, let’s reflect on what it will mean when I win this. Well realistically it doesn’t mean shit. I mean come on, throwing out four other pricks won’t matter in the grand scheme. At most I have to outlast ninety nine other assholes including you four yet again, so walking into Survive and Conquer with this win under my belt will not mean a damn thing. I just get to lord it over your four that I sent you sailing over the top rope. I like that. When I first showed up on Asylum they booked me in a number one contender’s match for the Heavyweight title and I said the same thing I am going to say now: wouldn’t it just shit on your Sunday when I walk into Asylum and wreck all ya’lls dreams, this time in regards to winning the Survive and Conquer match? Because if you can’t win on Asylum, what makes you think you have a chance at winning the big one?

That’s right you don’t; none of you do. People don’t like it when I speak my mind not that I really care. Everyone hates hearing the truth. I could sing about it again; but after trying to come up with additional semi-coherent lyrics, I realized that was impossible, much like understanding Stefan Raab.

But we’ll get to him later. I think I had something going, picking on everyone in order of entry in the Survive and Conquer match. So who’s next; yes, The Promise. The promise is I will hurt you. Number eleven. Bailey, the former Heavyweight champion and current tag team champion, yes Bailey you are a man of many accomplishments. You command respect and admiration from your fellow stablemates, your fellow animals.

Don’t be offended. You’re the one going around toting yourself as “The Dying Breed.” Just another breed of animals to me that’s all I see. I must admit, I was pleased to see you in this match. Not because of your great history but because I most of my matches have all been against people who aren’t a different shade of skin. Well I did face Yarmouth once, in a match you weren’t good enough to get in on mind you. APW does seem a little pale to me. On that other note, it must’ve sucked to be booted from a number one contender’s match for new talent. I share you distain.

You and I shouldn’t be enemies Bailey, we should be comrades. You hold yourself as a man who thinks that the world of wrestling has faltered. We are no different you and I. I too despise the punks who walk into this federation, clamoring to climb the ladder without earning paying their dues. But you’re going about it all wrong.

No these people should be exterminated. You can’t do that, fight a righteous war like you are. I’ll show you how it’s done. There arn’t many wrestlers who delight in the torture and pain that “The Main Man” does. What too dark for you? I didn’t think being dark would be an issue. But I’ll clean it up for your tender sensibility. When we step into that ring tonight, you will witness why I went crazy. Perhaps you’ll wake up. Show you that the world is a grim place and the only way to be effective is to be ruthless.

The crowd doesn’t care about you Bailey, or your friends. They care for whoever Commodore Schmidlapp wants them to. They’re puppets, just like you and your other endangered species. You will learn the hard way that you must adapt to survive. You can’t fight nature. I "Promise" you that.

Back to the bitch: Stefan Raab. I wasn’t done with you. I will be after tonight. Are you as sick of fighting me as I am you? It gets boring after a while. No you need to taste new blood to keep yourself fresh. On the other hand, you need a shower to be fresh. Please do me a favor, don’t eat any more cold cuts before the match. The fat, it’s seeping through your poor you disgusting hammy pants.

Stefan Raab I do blame you for what happened last week. I thought we were on the same page, but your ass got lost in the table of contents. No wonder Yarmouth dumped you as a tag partner. You’re tag team death, just like TJ said. I can’t believe I wasted a Sunday working with you, now that black mark goes on my record forever.

You tried to “fill the void,” I get it. You saw a member of the greatest tag team to ever step foot in APW suddenly become single and you thought it would help your career by jumping on my back. You’re the prime example of everything Bailey and his brothers stand to destroy. You think that just because you got a shot at the North American title and the tag titles ONE time, you are hot shit. At least I have hubris; I just choose to ignore it.

Raab for a month I have had to watch your make an idiot out of yourself, even with that win you scored over me. You talk a big game about you’re the fancy pre-school you attended, which I now think you volunteer to be the practice dummy in a women’s self-defense class. By the way, I know why you did it too. It was the only way a woman would ever lay her hands on a bald, gelatinous, white gravy chugging tub like yourself. You run your mouth about how vicious you are and I haven’t seen anything. What makes you think you were worthy to tag with a Hall of Famer? NOTHING!

Ms. Parker. We haven’t met, I’m a man and you’re a woman. You’re the Suicidal Champion, well that makes sense. They say women attempt suicide more times than men. You’re just a bunch of attention whores if you ask me. You couldn’t even win your title on your own. You had to have a man do it. Come on, let’s not kid ourselves Aubrey. That’s all you ever wanted. Back when you were younger, when you watched your brother Austin wrestle for the first time. After your first match, after you felt that first hard punch. You wanted to cry But you couldn’t tell your friends that. No. You had to be strong. Yes, Aubrey I know the truth. I know what you couldn’t tell you family, what you couldn’t tell yourself... was down that ramp, lined with hundreds of screaming fans, all screaming your name... was a man. A man to win all your matches for you.

It’s alright, we all know that it’s because you’re a woman. But I was raised to believe that if a woman puts herself in a man’s position she deserves to be treated like one. You won’t get any sympathy from me. As a matter of fact I may have to borrow some of Michael Lively’s views on women in wrestling matches when I deal with you. Should be fun.

It’s alright Aubrey, just close your eyes and say “it will all be over soon.” You were used to saying that as a child weren’t you? Young pretty girl, suicidal champion. Sounds to me like someone had daddy issues.

I vaguely recall you having friends when you first showed up. What happened? Logan leave you for someone younger, someone more attractive, someone willing to do anal? It’s okay it happens to women who have passed their prime. They get old, saggy and no one really likes looking at them anymore. You’re like a used car, once you’ve reached a certain mileage they just trade you in for a new model. Don’t feel bad, he’s probably happier now anyway. And as a woman your job is to make men happy. When this match is over and I throw you out, make yourself useful and go fix me a sandwich.

Once I’m done with my turn on Aubrey J Parker, I can pass you off to number forty four: Jair Hopkins.

So you get to wrestle your tag team partner tonight? They really are trying push The Dying Breed into extinction. That’s okay, I’ll help. I hope that you paid attention to what I said to your boss, Bailey. He is the boss isn’t he? I mean someone like you could never lead a war on young rookies stepping out of line because you are one!

What was Bailey thinking? He picked two rookies to join him in his quest to reestablish traditional wrestling values. Well, unless you and that other guy plan on being Bailey’s bitch for the next few years, sure I can see that working. But it sounds to me like Bailey went and found himself two interns he can keep under his boot while he rises to glory. Here let me pull the blindfold off. Bailey is just using you. You had the opportunity to go for the World Heavyweight title when he didn’t and that’s when he realized he was being passed over for younger, more popular wrestlers.

So Bailey scooped you up, then he snagged your homeboy and made you his tag partners, put his face on the front of it and marketed it as a Promise to return to wholesome values, to make wrestling great again through hard work. Dude you and your boy just got sold into slavery. Wake up and overthrow your master. Be the man you were meant to be. But do it after our match.

I think this Battle Royal will show you how much Bailey thinks of you. He will throw you over the top rope the first chance he can get. He can’t be trusted. You should eliminate him yourself; show the Promise you should be leading the Dying Breed. I’ll deal with the woman and the German, yes they are distinguishable... barely. After you do your job you can face me, a real Hall of Famer and not some Main Event reject like your boss.

I promise to show you what it means to be great Jair; a promise your friend Bailey refuses to keep. I don’t want to tag with you, I want to face a man who has defeated Shadow- my nemesis. You’re the challenge in this match. Those others are nothing, flies buzzing around a pile of manure, in my opinion.

But mark my words, your style is nothing compared to mine. I will show you innovation, I will show you improvisation and I will show you how to win. Take notes rookie, I’m only offering this lesson one time. When we’re done, you’ll see why I am called “The Main Man.”

Walk into Survive and Conquer the favorite? I don’t know what Schmidlapp was smoking when he said that. No, this match just shows who the best representative for Asylum is. There should be no question, but just for the hell of it I will play the Commodore’s little game. Meanwhile you four will play mine. It’s very simple it’s called red rover. Aubrey you should know this really well what with being a dog and all. Slade’s going to red rover any or all of you assholes up and over the top rope on Sunday. Slade Craven is going to win.

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