The Bawse, The Jesus, & The Smith (XTREME VERSION)

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
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Episode 32 - "The Bawse, The Jesus, & The Smith (XTREME VERSION)"

The Carnival[/u]

That is some kinda stupid. O SHEET, did that sumbitch just turn into a BUTTERFLY or sumtin?! FLY BUTTERFLY FLY! And of course Meltdown didn’t use that. Saps. That was awesome, and they totally kept it off the air! Delikado would TOTALLY use that on Deli Tee Vee if it were sent his way. But alas...

Hmm. Oh well, Delikado’s got his own little video in the making. Nearly completed and should be up in time for Overdrive. Xtreme Championship for Deli? Why thank you.

We cut to Delikado sitting on a desk looking at a laptop. He’s in the middle of smoking a cigar, spewing smoke out of the corner of his mouth, and he chuckles as he presses some keys in a singular, robotic fashion. The Cuban then looks over to a mirror in the corner and examines his waist.

Boss Delikado: Hang on, sexy waist of mine. Title gold’s about to come back to your saucy realm. Of course, tag team gold should be around you as well, but Evan’s seemingly gold-blocking us by teaming with Dionysus to gun for those belts. We should definitely give him a talking to in that regard after we’re Xtreme Champion, waist.

He glances down at his right foot, which is slightly quivering.

Boss Delikado: Foot, no. Bad foot! We will NOT kick our bro Evan in the face! He’s on our side, trust Deli. There’s no betrayal at hand here. Can’t be. After all, he told us it was good for Envikado, and Delikado has to do what aids the team. Delikado wouldn’t have even picked Evan to be the “Envi” in his “EnviKado” if he didn’t think the dude would do right by Delikado, by Deli Tee Vee, by the REAL APWers! Just ease up, little foot. Ease up and direct your appetite toward that main course of “The Jeebus” Lively and “Air Conditioning” Smith, Beat Cop holding our Xtreme Title.

Delikado snickers as he taps his foot eagerly.

Boss Delikado: Thaaaat’s riiight, two for one! Grab your bib! Delikado loves it! He loves it LOTS! And how do those LOTS get loved? LIKE A BAW—

Suddenly, the door is kicked in loudly and swings open widely as Manny Valdez and Jet Carrington, carrying Dr. Apartment, enter the room. Sofia Monzón charges into the room seconds later, covered in a mix of sweat and spotty areas of blood along her clothes and her signature whip, and Ron Reynolds bursts in behind her, slamming the door behind them. Ron slams his back against the door, panting heavily, as the rest of the team carries Doc App and sets him down. Delikado calmly turns his head toward his teammates and smiles.

Boss Delikado: Hello.

Sofia snaps her head up from the badly injured Dr. Apartment toward the chilled Cuban. Her superior or not, Sofia lashes out at Delikado.

Sofia Monzón: Where the FUCK did you go last week?! Where the FUCK have you been SINCE?!

Boss Delikado: Delikado doesn’t follow.

Sofia: Oh, you don’t follow?! You don’t remember how you LEFT us to fight off that mob last week!? YOU RAN OVER MY CAR, AND YOU SELFISHLY DROVE OFF!! WHERE, I ASK AGAIN, DID YOU GO?!!?

Boss Delikado: Hey, Delikado will have you know that he went off and defeated Roy Speede last week, exiling him back to Meltdown where he belongs and keeping him off Overdrive! The tragedy of his “win” over me has since been avenged, and Delikado ALSO earned himself an Xtreme title shot out of it! So for reals, Sofie, you need to back off my dick and be grateful for the opportunities Delikado is achieving for you all, as well as himself! “Left you?” Bitch please, Delikado SAVED you fools and Deli Tee Vee as a whole by taking that tactical retreat when he did last week!

Sofia’s eyes have gone wide and crazy as she closes in on Delikado, who immediately jumps off the table and holds his fists up in a boxing pose. Sofia looks him dead in the eye, inhaling and exhaling intensely, but with restraint.

Sofia: We have been…on the run…since you abandoned us. We had to grab Dr. Apartment and carry him the whole way, fighting off that lynch mob as they chased us—hunted us—across barren fields and through the wilderness. We had to take an alternate route, because SOMEONE’S massive Smart Car Monster Truck tires destroyed the bridge we usually use to get here! That’s why it’s taken us so long to get back. We haven’t eaten in DAYS, you son of a bitch! We’re all drained to the point of collapse, and for what reason? Because you couldn’t bring yourself to lift a finger and help us for five fucking seconds!

Boss Delikado: Pfft, adversity builds character. That’s Delikado’s motto, trademarked, and maybe you oughta incorporate it into your daily life instead of playing the blame game. Though Delikado can see your point, what with Ron Reynolds at your side, dragging you all down to be angry mob meat. How he didn’t get you all killed Delikado will never--

Manny Valdez: Actually, Ron Reynolds did more than ANY of us! He was the first one to run back and fight through the waves of people to rescue Doc. App! He’s like a hero or something!

Ron Reynolds: Heh, oh sheesh, you guys. It was nothi—don’t forget I wrestled that cougar.

Jet Carrington: He did, I saw it. Pretty extreme.

Boss Delikado: *snort* You wanna see extreme, or rather, XTREME? Just wait til Delikado’s got the Xtreme title around his gorgeous waist here—again, something Delikado EARNED by his actions as of late. God you people are selfish.

Delikado chuckles in amazement and paces off to the side as Sofia continues to glare at him in stupefaction. Dr. Apartment groans as Manny and Jet tend to him.

Manny: It’s bad, guys. That mob tore him up worse than we thought.

Jet: What are we gonna do? Does this carnival even HAVE medical supplies?

Sofia: There should be some in the supply closet that we—

Boss Delikado: Oh, Delikado threw all that out.

Everyone slowly turns their head to the Cuban, who is back at work on his video, lazily tapping on the keyboard.

Sofia: What are you talking about…?

Boss Delikado: *shrug* It was part of a new training program Delikado wanted to try, to prep himself for the Xtreme Championship match. You see, Xtreme people do not bandage or clean or heal their wounds, Sofia. They let them fester and become badges of honor. Of course, there’s also the little detail that Delikado’s practically unhurtable, so he figured what’s the point of some Band-Aids and crap taking up space we could use to…I dunno…put shrimp puffs? For parties?

Sofia’s eyes could not get any wider, except for when they narrow long enough to twitch. Delikado smiles once again, as if he sees nothing wrong or feels no regret. Before Miss Monzón can rip him apart, however, everyone becomes distracted by Dr. Apartment’s yell of pain as his body arcs up. His right left begins to squirm, seemingly increasing his agony, and everyone moves in

Jet: Gross, is that a lump?!

Manny: Doc! Doc!

Ron Reynolds: His temperature’s through the roof. What are we gonna do, Sofia?!

Sofia: I—I—I-,uh, uhmmm…Alright, here’s what I’m thinking: We’ll—

Boss Delikado: Hold up! Delikado knows what to do!

Delikado quickly rushes out of the room and then returns moments later with the tank lid of a toilet…

Sofia: And just what the fuck are you going to do with that?

Boss Delikado: Oh ho, silly stupid Sofia woman, how you underestimate DA BAWSE and his many skills. WATCH ME SAVE A LIFE! LIKE A BAWSE!!

Before anyone can react, Delikado brings the tank lid down violently onto Dr. Apartment’s shivering, badly injured leg!! The sound of bones crunching is enough to make any normal person queasy.

Manny: HOLY SHIT!!

Jet: BAWSE, WHAT THE HE—

Boss Delikado: LIKE A BAWSE!!

Delikado slams the lid down again onto Dr. Apartment’s leg! In quick, heavy thrusts the maddened Mister Cuba crushes the doctor’s leg until it goes limp. Dr. Apartment screeches like a banshee all the while, no doubt he does not approve of the medical procedure Delikado has improvised. After finishing his grisly work, Delikado, panting heavily, looks up, grinning. He pauses.

Boss Delikado: And now for the twofer.

Everyone: NO!!!

Nobody is fast enough to stop Delikado from destroying Dr. Apartment’s other leg with the toilet tank lid. Even as they try to move in, the Cuban is making too many grand gestures and endangering their lives, prompting a stunned step back from everyone. Dr. Apartment’s red face is twisted up as he howls…and then passes out from the shock. The crazed Cuban lifts up the tank lid.

Boss Delikado: DELIKADO IS XTREME!!!

He slams the lid down to the floor, causing it to explode, and the room proceeds to fall silent. Everyone but Delikado looks either physically sick or horrified by what just transpired. Only Delikado looks proud as he stands up straight and smokes a new cigar.

Boss Delikado: Delikado may not be a cop, and he may not be able to turn water to champagne like “The Jesus”, but DAMN does Delikado know how to get shit DONE!

Sofia: What the FUCK did you think you were doing?! What got in your head that smashing his legs would be effective?!

Boss Delikado: Delikado watched “Saw II” the other day. Seemed to help that one dude with his leg problem…actually that was FOOT problem…oh well, “tomato, toh-ma-to”. Anyway, back to work.

Delikado calmly goes back to his laptop to finish his video editing.

Boss Delikado: You all keep it down over there, got it? Delikado’s finishing his prep for the title match. And take Doc. App outta here, he REEKS of urine and busted legs.

Sofia is seething she’s so mad, but before anyone can react, a new door opens up and a man in fancy carnival attire walks in, followed by some carnies carrying suitcases. Delikado and the gang turn to him in surprise. The swirly moustache man stands in shock as he stares at everyone in the room.

?: What the HECK are you people doing in *my* carnival??

Delikado jumps off the table, holding his laptop under his arm while reaching into his pocket for something else.

Boss Delikado: Huh. This looks like a good time FOR A CLIFFHANGER GRENADE!!

Delikado proceeds to pull out a smoke bomb and tosses it to the floor. An explosion occurs, blocking out the screen with thick clouds that reads:

To Be Continued…

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Deli Tee Vee presents

“The Bawse, The Jesus, & The Smith: The Story of the First XTREME Xtreme Champion”

We open to Delikado jumping out into the shot, in the midst of what appears to be a laser tag fight. He’s also reading a book called “Laser Tagging and Reading At the Same Time”, using one hand to hold the book and the other his rifle. He fires lasers off-camera and then looks up dramatically to the camera.

Boss Delikado: Hello, Boss Delikado here, bringing you yet another chronicle of FACTuality. Only this time, it concerns my ancient ancestors, rather than present day Delikado. Now do not let this deter you from my words and displays, or cause you to go watch whatever Kurt Noble’s wacky ass is dragging to the barn, for today’s chronicle is very much relevant to Delikado’s current activity.

A little kid comes up behind Delikado, yelling as he has fun in the fight, only for Delikado to deliver the Last Call to Cuba onto the youngster, flooring him, and then blast him mercilessly with the laser tag rifle in the head, chest, and groin.

Boss Delikado: Lil bastard. Anyway…APW, as you all know and are hysterically excited toward, Delikado has an Xtreme title shot coming up this Thursday. Delikado earned it with all the good he’s done for his APW lately, and his opponents should go ahead and just stand down, because that goodness is in such contrast to their badness, that there’s no way they can stop me. Let’s face it: good triumphs over evil, all the time. Except when a new Stephenie Meyer book comes out, then that’s another story—BUT THAT’S BESIDE MY POINT!

Delikado’s point is that it is time for the Xtreme Championship to return to the legacy that is the Delikado family. That’s right, I said “return”, for this is not the first time the Xtreme Championship has been around the waist of a Delikado. Nor is it the first time the belt was defended by an A.C. Smith against that ancient Delikado, in addition to a “Jesus”. Right here, right now, Delikado is here to tell you the story of how the Xtreme Championship was once cool. From there, he will pose the image in your noodles of the belt’s RETURN to coolness after it is wrapped around my sexy, sexy waist this Thursday, upon the defeat of AC Smith and Michael Lively.

It goes all the way back to 1966, which in turn goes back to a time during the US Civil War…

A bunch of kids yell and rush Delikado, who proceeds to snatch one up and take him hostage. He points his rifle to the kid’s head as the other children slowly back him up into a corner with his hostage. Da Bawse’s eyes narrow dangerously.

Boss Delikado: How this ends falls on you bitches.

BOOM!

Sometime in the Civil War

The screen goes black and fades in to what appears to be a cop on the beat. He wears an extravagant looking, large silver belt around his waist. The words ‘XTREME CHAMPIONSHIP’ are scratched upon it in gritty-looking text.

There once was a cop, named Andronicus Cleopatrica Smithsonian, better known as ‘A.C.’ Smithsonian, or Smith if need to have it shortened even more.

(Morons…)

The camera follows this ‘A.C. Smith’ as he traverses cockily through the desert, passing cactus and a random dog that’s wondered into the shot.

He was the Civil War era’s only cop, or rather an EX-cop, and he felt this made him extreme, for cops hadn’t been invented because TV wasn’t around yet. But he was so extreme that he had the ‘e’ executed one day for loitering, and he named himself the “Xtreme Champion of the APW”. “APW” back then of course standing for ‘Action Packed War’, because that war was bloody as fuck, yo.

We zoom in on the belt around Smith’s waist.

He even went so far as to make a belt, out of cannon. He went everywhere, wearing the belt he had made for himself, and he flaunted it like a champion. Even the owner of the cannon the belt was made from, Sir Nicholas Wattyson, could not help but allow the transgression of the ‘Xtreme Champion’ to pass by un-avenged, for Nick Wattyson was a weak, sniveling little bitch.

Smith walks atop a rock and looks around the large field as the sun burns down from above. A buzzard flies by overhead.

Smith was a douchebag, there was no getting around it. Ex-cop or not, he REEKED of sleaze, and he had a habit of getting involved in people’s biz-nass.

He passes by a woman who is mourning at a gravesite. Without audio, Smith berates her and sends her on her way.

Right here he tells her to go mourn on somebody her own size. He feels he knows everything, that the streets of the APW are better known by him than anyone else. Of course, streets hadn’t been invented yet either, so it made sense if bitches were confused by whatever Smith ranted about. This was APW Civil War, nobody gave a FUCK about A.C. Smith and his cop stuff. Furthermore, his “reign” as Xtreme Champion, though it had only gone on for a few weeks at the time, was already grating on people’s nerves. The mere word of Xtreme became synonymous with fail and general blandness. Truly a dark piece of American history…

HAAAAAALLELUJAAAAH! HAAAAAALLELUJAAAAH! HAAAAAALLELUJAAAAH! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

A mystical looking man with long hair and robes enters the scene now, stepping into the path of A.C. Smith.

There was one other who was getting the people talking. Some say he descended from the gods themselves, but those people were idiots who were locked up for being batshit crazy. Everyone else regarded him as equally obnoxious, if not MORESO than Smith! They called him Michaelcalibernus Livelinuso, or Michael Lively in a rough translation, but the man called himself “The Jesus”, or rather “YOUR Jesus”!

This “Jesus” fellow poses in a holy manner before Smith, who strikes his own dramatic pose like he’s holding a gun.

Lively had heard about Smith’s Xtreme Championship, and he wanted it for himself. For what better way to show you’re Jesus than to focus on materialistic stuff? Not to mention beating the crap out of guys, which was what Lively also had a reputation for doing. He had even beaten up the local sheriff down in Fargo, C.J. Gates, and an entrepreneur known by the alias of ‘L1’. T’was pretty impressive, and it ruffled Smith’s feathers as he stared down the law-beater Lively.

Smith points dramatically.

“You’re gonna pay for harassing the law!”, he shouted. “I am the Xtreme Champion, and I will defeat you like I defeat all other criminaaaaals!”

Lively poses and smirks, finding amusement in the Xtreme Champion’s words.

“Very brave to challenge me, but also very unwise. I’d expect no less from a cop who talks about ‘streets’ and his time in New York! You’re a drunk, a has-been who speaks of things that hold no relevance in the APW Civil War! For I am not A Jesus, but THE Jesus, and I shall obliterate you!”

It was like two nerds arguing at Comic-Con. Nobody was winning from the back and forth between two dillholes like these two, especially as the Xtreme title was on the line, but then…a voice rang out.

Both men pose for battle. Suddenly, a whistle is heard and they turn slowly.

“A two man battle can easily turn into a three-way, no homo. Delikado is here to fight.”

Standing with the sun to his back, a dark silhouette walks toward the two. The shade falls over him, and we find a man of dark complexion, a foreigner, maybe Spanish or something, comes into full view. He tips his cowboy hat at the two.

“You’re fighting for the Xtreme Championship. I want in, for I have earned it through all my Bawseness.” It was Big Boss Delikado, ancestor to the present day, world-renowned Boss Delikado in Action Packed Wrestling, hoorah the story picks up!

Smith looks disgusted by what he sees, and the Big Boss catches on.

“You are not entertained by that thought?”, he asked.

“Nay, for I know you all too well. We have past encounters, you humiliated me twice, and I regard you as human trash!” the Xtreme Champion responded.

“Well tough dicks, because this fight’s happening. Delikado has heard about your Xtreme title, hell he’s had a few titles himself since this APW Civil War began, and now he wants that one. Did you not here how I ran out the infidel Speede back across the border? I have saved more and done more for this country than you ever did on ‘the beat’, Smith! And yes, I humiliated you twice before, and it was all to my gain. But this, taking that belt off your waist and putting it around mine, is for the gain of ALL! All of APW shall benefit from the Xtreme Championship belt going to me. In FACT!, I say it shall improve the belt’s caliber a thousand times over, for the people only regard it as mediocre, a stepping stone to greater things, and Delikado looks to make it…more.”

“The Jesus does not approve of your claims, heathen! The APW Civil War will be done in MY image and favor, not yours! I will smite you!”

Big Boss Delikado turns, lighting a cigar.

“If you smite me, you will never see that belt,” he uttered with confidence.

“Why’s that?”, the Jesus responded curiously.

“For if Delikado goes down, he intends to take someone with him. An ex-cop who is down on his luck and a fool will bring no such honor to my legacy…but perhaps taking out a ‘Jesus’ will earn me familia muchos Confederate dollars, which will never go down in value. But also…because that’s not the Xtreme title.”

Smith looks confused as he glances down at his belt, suddenly finding pieces of rusty iron hanging around his waist.

“What SORCERY that a cop cannot understand?!”, screamed Smith.

“Aye, Delikado is quick on his feet, and he stole that belt off your waist while you were arguing with Jesus Christ Jr. here. Although then a giant buzzard came by and stole it off me, but he dropped somewhere……Now the belt is up for grabs to all of us.”

“I will beat your head in!” threatened Smith with a rock he has scooped up from the ground. “Police brutality, bitch!”

“Oooooh, sooooo Xtreme who got that belt off a chump and has since done nothing to prove his earning of it.”

“The people love me! My reign will be legendary!”

“Your reign is the reason things have fallen so far! Delikado as the Xtreme Champion will end all the badness, all the maliciousness of the APW Civil War that goes on around us. With my victory, the South shall win the war, and the Confederacy will thrive! XTREMELY! But…I believe in even chances, for Delikado is always good, and his training has prepped him so much for this day, he feels the odds will forever be in his favor.”

“What even chances?”, Lively asked.

Big Boss Deli pulls out a metal detector and hoists it into the air.

“The Xtreme Championship is out here, somewhere, and has so much metal and crap on it, that only this metal detector shall help one find it. Searching for it with you two on my ass would be pain, and so I offer an alternative…”

Deli walks past the two and to a giant open piece of land in the shape of a square. He moves through the barbed wire that surrounds it on all sides, and enters this squared “arena”. To the middle he goes and sets down the metal detector. Lively follows, as does Smith, and each man enters the squared “circle.” The wind blows as Big Boss Delikado straightens his hat. Every man looks at their boot, coming equipped with superkicks of their own. Lively walks past Smith with a cocky grin and makes the sign of the cross before taking his position at the far end of the arena.

The winner here would truly earn the right to call himself “Xtreme Champion.” The future of the APW Civil War hanged in the balance. Sure, Delikado has already bested Smith in the two times they had met before, but did that mean he would a third time. Science and logic would tell you yes, but those things didn’t exist back then, and so there was still a chance the current Xtreme Champion would walk out with the metal detector and the belt. Lively was a wild-card, for only REAL APWers can best a Jesus, sorry, YOUR or… or THE or…fuck it…….he’s just some Jesus. Would this kinda-not-really holy man slip in out of nowhere and win the belt, or would he die for the…..wins…of others?!

YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—oop, wrong flashback tribute.

The combatants stand in the field of battle. The music is tense. It goes all over the place, loud and then quiet as the tension builds! WHO WILL WIN?!

CLOSE UP ON THE EYES OF LIVELY!

CLOSER UP ON THE EYES OF SMITH!

MY GOD DO WE GET CLOSE TO THE EYES OF DELIKADO! IS HE ASIAN?! NO, WE’RE JUST SO CLOSE!!!

LIVELY CHARGES FOR THE ATTACK, BUT DELIKADO SNAPS FORWARD AND KICKS HIM IN THE FACE! LAST CALL TO CUBA CIRCA CIVIL WAR DAYS!!!

Smith trips and falls like a chump.

“Oh no, they didn’t cover shoe-tying in the police manual!” cried Smith.

Delikado turns to Smith, as Lively grovels in the dirt. The Jesus lifts himself up and turns to attack Delikado, only for the Big Boss to deliver a second Last Call to Cuba circa Civil War Days onto him, causing him to come to fall and be positioned dramatically on two slabs of wood in the shape of a lower-case ‘t’. Smith is left speechless as Delikado walks over to the metal detector, picks it up, and hoists it over his shoulder.

“Please….I just wanted to be the best,” whimpered Smith in an almost begging fashion.

“Sorry to have to break it to ya, Smithy, but there’s two kinds of people in this world. Those who win…and those who lose. You lose.”

“But I-I’m the Xtreme Champion!”

“Really…? REALLY?

Delikado lifts his shirt up, revealing the Xtreme Championship around his waist! He then opens up the battery compartment on the metal detector, revealing it’s empty!

“Then why’d I pull the wool under your eyes so well?”

Smith gasps in shock.

“Yeah, you gasp, because you’re blind. You’re blind to all changes around you, and you’ve been put into denial about my superiority. I’m just too Bawse to NOT be the Xtreme Champion. I let you THINK you could win the whole time, when you never could. So now…”

Delikado puts a hand on the shoulder of Smith.

“I need you to go back to your desk and file a report, rookie.

The Big Boss delivers a Last Call to Cuba on Smith and walks away into the distance. The scene fades to black.

And that’s the story of how my ancestor won the Xtreme Championship. He really was a man of his word. The whole ‘South wins the war’ thing didn’t quite pan out, but hey…at least, one out of two plans ain’t bad. Besides, it paved the way for today…

We return to Delikado in the laser tag arena, sitting on a bunch of unconscious children, smoking a cigar in pride.

Boss Delikado: Today, when Delikado takes that Xtreme Championship off your hands, Smith, and away from your reach, Lively. History has a habit of repeating itself after all, and when it does, people’ll be calling Delikado an Xtreme Champion of the World once more. LIKE A BAWSE!

He hoists his laser rifle into the air victoriously as we fade out…[/size][/font]