The Plan Extraction XII: Posterboy of Success

[Nathaniel Havok]

The Plan Extraction XII: Posterboy of Success

[Access: APW.com/media/specials/shanewestsitsdownwithtuhoavalo.htm]

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Shane West
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this APW.com exclusive! As you know, I of course am Shane West, commentator for Meltdown, and backstage analyst for Action Packed Wrestling. The man I’m about to introduce, well, he really needs no introduction, but I must for the sake of possible first-time viewers. He’s ran roughshod through the Meltdown competition since coming to Action Packed Wrestling, only falling short to a single man. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Finnish Phenom Tuhoa Valo to the set today.

The cameras pan out to see Valo sitting next to Mr. West.

Shane West
Mr. Valo, it’s a pleasure for me to do this interview with you today. We have a lot to discuss with a very short amount of time to do it. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to get right down to business.

The Finnish Phenom
Thank you for having me, and I don’t mind at all. You know as well as anybody else that I have no respect for wrestling journalists, so this will be business as usual. So go ahead, hit me with your best shot.

Shane West
Very well then, Mr. Valo. I guess my first question would be, how are you feeling after suffering yet another loss at the hands of the North American Champion, Logan Alexander? And to follow up on that question, what are these rumors that I’m hearing about legal repercussions heading towards APW Management?

The Finnish Phenom
Firstly, I’m doing just fine, and feeling pretty damn good. Logan Alexander could never keep me out of action, or hurt me while IN action. He’s a little boy holding a big boys championship. Soon enough, that title is going to be around my waist. So instead of harping on the current champion, I’d rather discuss business in the here and now. Which brings us to what you called your “follow up question”, right?

Shane West
Of course.

The Finnish Phenom
That damn referee had no business restarting the match. He had no authority, and he damn sure shouldn’t have made the call. Therefore, my legal counsel has been looking into a way that could prevent legal proceedings. A way that APW and my estate can reach a logical agreement, leaving all parties involved very satisfied with the end result. Now, does that mean that this won’t go to court? I can’t say that right now. But what it does mean is that we’re being civil, trying to reach an agreement. As for any other news on the proceedings, well, you’re just going to have to wait. I can’t say much right now, pending cases and all.

Shane West
Very well, then. Well, what about your matchup for this week? You’re going to be going one on one with newcomer Evan McDonald in a “Beat the Clock” challenge match, to determine the number one contender to Logan Alexander and his APW North American Championship. How do you think you’ll fare against this red-hot newcomer?

The Finnish Phenom
The bottom line is that I should already be the number one contender. Management knows it, Logan knows it, and so does the entire APW fanbase! Everyone saw the injustice that took place yet again, this past Monday night. I don’t know about you, Shane, but I smell something fishy. First, I thought that a new referee and a vision examination upon arrival to the arena was a very good idea. I thought that it would benefit the main event, as well as give me a solid chance at defeating Logan once and for all. But fast forward some few days later, and if you ask me, I think personally that the Alexander crew could very-well be working together, disguising their bromance with hatred.

Shane West
Hold on a second, are you insinuating that Alexander Duvall and Logan Alexander might actually be working together? I mean, aside from you “not wanting to talk about Logan right now”, you just basically said that Logan and Duvall are in cahoots with one another!

The Finnish Phenom
Think about it, Shane! It all makes perfect sense! There’s not a snowballs chance in hell that a man like Logan Alexander could last this long as APW North American Champion without someone in his back pocket! And who runs Meltdown, Shane? Just think about it, it’s only logical!

Shane West
Now…

The Finnish Phenom
And as far as Evan goes, this kid is pretty damn good. I have to admire his guts and determination. He’s surely made a name for himself so far in Action Packed Wrestling. But Meltdown can be a tricky show to read someone on. I mean, if you put McDonald in the ring with Level-One, do you think he’d stand a chance against a vulture like Lester?

Shane West
Well, give him some time and maybe…

The Finnish Phenom
We’re not talking about “a few months down the road” here, Shane. We’re talking about right now, right this very second! Put him in the ring with Lester Only, and he’d flop! Not only would HE flop, but I’m sure his face would flop off the mat about a hundred times! The kid isn’t anywhere near ready, I’ve seen plenty of “green” in him. Grated, he might be Meltdown material. But a guy like me, come on! Put me in the ring with Level-One, and Lester is in for the fight of his life! You know damn well that Tuhoa Valo could get in the ring with Level-One, and have a five star match. But could you honestly say the same thing about Evan McDonald?

The truth is that this match will show the world exactly where Evan McDonald stands against true competition in APW. Everybody knows what I’ve done, and they know exactly what I’m capable of. Evan McDonald might be on a hot streak since his debut, but he’s only been here for a couple of weeks. I understand that this hot streak could continue, I’m not going to discount what he’s done. But the world knows that Tuhoa Valo is one of the most dominant competitors in professional wrestling history! At any time, on any given night, Tuhoa Valo can take over a match, leaving his opponent helpless and unable to do anything about it! Evan McDonald has never been in the ring with Tuhoa Valo, and Tuhoa Valo is a one of a kind Megastar! When you step into the ring with a professional wrestler who is one of a kind, you step into the ring with an unpredictable ball of fire known as the Finnish Phenom, Tuhoa Valo!

Shane West
So you’re saying that since you’re a “one of a kind” Megastar, that you’re going to have your way with Evan McDonald, this Monday night? I have to be honest, I think you might be underestimating this guy, or overestimating yourself.

The Finnish Phenom
I’ve already said that I’m not going to discount what Evan McDonald has done thus far in Action Packed Wrestling. But the simple fact of the matter is that Tuhoa Valo is the kind of Megastar that makes this company the success that it is today! Tuhoa Valo could go out into the middle of that ring with the worst competitors under contract, and give them the best match of their career! Take Amy Zing for instance, Shane. A woman who couldn’t even make a good match with a communist gay guy from San Francisco! I went out there, took her on one on one, and made a match of the year candidate! Tuhoa Valo makes chicken salad out of chicken shit, every time management decides not to utilize my abilities, and sticks me in the ring with some “never will be” Megastar! It’s what I do, because I’m one of the best in this business! So to say that I am overestimating myself, really makes the fact that you’re an APW journalist a sort of joke! I mean, do you really even know anything about professional wrestling, Shane?

Shane West
I…

The Finnish Phenom
Did you read some kind of “professional wrestling for dummies” handbook, and now all of the sudden you’re an expert? Where in the hell does Jeff get you people from? Did you even go to college, Shane? Do you even have a degree in journalism?

Shane West
I…

The Finnish Phenom
The problem with this business today, is the same problem that the entire world is having. People like Jeff are greedy, they want every single dime that they can get their hands on. Therefore, they go out of their way to find uneducated idiots like you, so they can pay you half of what they’d pay a REAL professional wrestling journalist. It’s an insult to guys like myself who give this business their all, and it’s an insult to professional wrestling as a whole! It’s blatantly obvious to me that you’re no good for this business, because you ask me such questions as “Do you think that you’re going to have your way with Evan McDonald, this Monday night?”, and “Are you overestimating yourself?”. Who in the blue hell do you think that you’re talking to, Shane? For heaven’s sake man, LOOK AT ME! Look at my track record, Shane! Look at all of this that you see sitting before you right this very second, and then gather up the courage and stupidity to ask me that same question again!

I mean no disrespect to Evan McDonald. Hell, I barley even know the guy! What I’ve seen so far, is a man on a mission to prove himself in Action Packed Wrestling. I admire his abilities, as well as his “hot streak” as you put it. But the truth is that he’s nowhere near my league just yet. He’s still a “new kid on the block”, sort of looks like one too. He spends his time outside of the ring, priding himself on being a playboy of sorts. While I have no problem with a man wanting to bed as many women as he can before he dies, I do however see it as a slap in the face to this business. If he were really interested in making a name for himself in this business, he’d drop the lifestyle, and train the same way that I do. As I’ve shown thus far, I am the posterboy for success in Action Packed Wrestling. I’m the figurehead for dominance, and there’s no denying that Tuhoa Valo has done one hell of a job in bringing Meltdown to the forefront of APW.

It’s like I told Logan… He holds the title around his waist, while I hold the show on my shoulders. Am I ready to pass that on to a guy like Evan McDonald? Hell no! I’m far from finished with Monday Night Meltdown, and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon! Before I’m done with Meltdown, I’ll have done everything that I possibly could have done. The Finnish Phenom will leave no stone unturned on Meltdown, and I WILL be the North American Champion, before I do anything else with this company! Which brings us full circle, and right back to the Beat the Clock Challenge this Monday night, where I WILL yet again become the number one contender to the APW North American Championship. A Championship that I should already own, and a title that I have said time and time again that I NEED to win, in order for my “plans” to go according to… Well… Plan.

Shane West
And what exactly might those plans be? Do you care to give us any more insight into these plans that you’ve spent the last few months talking about?

The Finnish Phenom
Actually Shane, I do care. Because like it or not, you’re just like the rest of the world. In my eyes, I don’t even know if you’re worthy to see these plans unfold, let alone know what they are to begin with! Let’s just stay on topic here, stop digressing from the issues at hand to try and get the “real scoop”, because it’s never going to happen. Not now, not ever. And if I were going to let anybody in on my “little secret”, it would never be you. Never.

…Did I mention “never”, Shane?

Shane West
I…

The Finnish Phenom
Never.

Shane West
Fair enough. I’ll cease to digress, and ask you this… Out of everybody in the Beat the Clock Challenge, why do you think that you’ll be the one to head into Survive and Conquer to face Logan Alexander yet again for the APW North American Championship? And furthermore, you’ve been in the ring with him on three different occasions, and all three times, you didn’t walk out with the win! So what makes you think that people even want to see you face Logan at the pay per view?

The Finnish Phenom
Thank you, Shane. Thank you for proving my point, so that I don’t have to even try. By saying what you just said, you’ve proven to the world that professional wrestling is all about the money. What makes me think that people want to see Tuhoa Valo face Logan Alexander at the pay per view? Who gives a rats ass what people want to see? I sure as hell don’t, Shane! Neither should you, for that matter! This is professional wrestling, this isn’t a ratings war! This isn’t a buyrate war, Shane! I’m not in the business of making money, I’m in the business of kicking ass! And what does Tuhoa Valo do best? He kicks ass! Now, why do I think that I’ll be the one to face Logan at the pay per view?

First of all, that’s just another dumb “filler” question. Secondly, I think I’ve already answered it, but I’ll answer again with the same response. Look at me, Shane! I’m everything that a true professional wrestler should be! Take a look at this Beat the Clock Challenge for a minute. You’ve got spares and jobbers like Robina Hood and Anthony Washington. Those two could NEVER hold a candle to the Finnish Phenom! Yeah, Robina might be one bad ass chick, and Washington might be on the up and up, but they’re not me! Then you look at people like Young Mannie, Niobe Martin, and Amy Zing. The world already knows what I think about Young Mannie. Not only is he the biggest piece of shit in APW, but he’s the shit that’s piled onto that stack of shit, too! He’s… Just… Shit. And while I might have a small shred of respect for Martin, I just don’t see that working out, either! And Amy Zing? Come on! Don’t even get me started! I showed the world that she’s nowhere near ready to be North American Champion. She’ll be ready however, when pigs learn to fly. But until then, she doesn’t stand a chance.

The same goes for Donald Deruty. I mean, how many times have I kicked his ass now? Three? Four? It really doesn’t matter, because all Deruty has done is prove that he’s a mid-card wrestler at best, who’d be better suited with a modeling career, rather than getting his hands dirty in a professional wrestling ring! And Eric Steel? What’s he done besides beat another curtain jerker named Jake Youngblood? Nothing, that’s what! Which begs the question… Why is he even in this challenge to begin with? He doesn’t even deserve to be here, let alone competing for a chance to become the number one contender! I mean…

Shane West
Isn’t he in the same boat as Evan McDonald?

The Finnish Phenom
Interrupt me again, and you’ll be doing so without lips. Because I’ll smack them off of your face so fast, that you’ll be kissing the wall in a fraction of a second. The real question is, why is Warren Peace back in APW? What did he ever do that was ever relevant? There’s a reason he’s been here and gone, no reason he should be back, let alone allowed to be in this contest. There are only two real challenges that I see in this match. The man that I’m facing and will undoubtedly beat, and Christian Kane. Christian Kane would be my odds on favorite to win this challenge, if I weren’t involved. He’s got everything that it takes to be a champion in this business. Too bad for him, I’m winning this damn challenge.

I see how many could say that Evan McDonald stands a chance. If he were facing anyone else on the Meltdown roster, I’d say the same damn thing. But he’s not. He’s facing Tuhoa Valo, which means that he’s facing the best professional wrestling ON the Meltdown roster. And taking away from nothing that he’s already done in his short time here, I’m just not buying into Evan McDonald as a main event player quite yet. He’s got a little bit of shit left to eat on his plate, a few more dues to pay, and a little more time opening the show for guys like me, before he should ever even be considered for a title match at a pay per view! No, this Beat the Clock challenge, it’s mine for the taking, and I’m going to win the whole damn thing. I WILL beat Evan McDonald within an inch of his life, and while doing so, I WILL win the Beat the Clock Challenge. Now as you can tell, the cameraman is telling us that we need to wrap this up, so I’ll do you a solid, and end this thing abruptly!

Tuhoa stands from his seat and walks away, leaving Shane alone to end the special.

Shane West
Well ladies and gentlemen, that IS all the time we have for this APW special. Thanks for watching, and make sure you tune into FX Monday night for the Beat the Clock Challenge!