Post by Buckson Gooch on Jan 23, 2013 14:09:34 GMT -4
"I do not believe in excuses. I believe in hard work as the prime solvent of life's problems."
- James Cash Penney
To say I’ve had an uphill battle since coming to APW would be an understatement. I’m a proud redneck...and that’s a good thing. Before someone casts stones, they should know about where I’m from...who Buckson Gooch really is. Mark Mania, even though he claims he won’t throw out cliches...still throws out cliches. Tell me more about Cyclops and David...or the Mighty Ducks...Tell me more about how you won’t underestimate me...how you won’t be arrogant...how I’ll get your best at Survive & Conquer...Why will the result be any different? You are openly admitting that you have a character flaw...you make excuses...A few weeks ago you claimed it was a dumb stipulation...that you only needed one more second...now, you weren’t at your best...what’s next? Was the sun in your eyes?
The Mark Mania that I respected so much, up until a few weeks ago, wasn’t a man who made excuses about everything. If you could’ve put me away a few weeks ago, you would have...but you couldn’t.
Couldn’t.
Why is this time going to be any different? I’m sure Johnny Rebel loves that you think I blackmailed him...perhaps Johnny Rebel wanted someone to teach you some humility and actually get you back to your roots.
Regardless of the outcome, you will hurt. You will be in pain. You will be humbled by this green rookie, pig farmer (as I’ve been called.) I have every intention of walking away with that Overdrive title regardless of what you think of me as a person or competitor. What matters the most is what actions take place in the ring. You know that...Why say you weren’t on “top of your game” and just admit that maybe I am good.
I imagine I’ll get the same Mark Mania that I’ve gotten for two weeks, who should’ve taught me a lesson in the tag match but didn’t, and I just wonder what the excuse will be if I do win.
“If it wasn’t for 3 seconds!”
“I’m old!”
“I couldn’t run forever!”
“He couldn’t do it again!”
With you these days, no telling what your excuse would be.
I’m not going to compare myself to Cyclops or David...or the Mighty ducks...I’m Buckson Gooch. I write my own story. I live by my word and I’m proud of who I am...even if the majority of people in APW think I’m something I’m not. I’m not going to win at S&C because I’m bigger than you. I’ll win at S&C because of the effort I put forth. The determination that I have. The intestinal fortitude that I will show. You may think I’m a slack jawed idiot who doesn’t know anything...but I know what it takes to succeed. You’ve already seen that.
I’m sure that many may have noticed, ‘ol Buckson Gooch is often maligned and ridiculed by the mainstream MegaStars here. I’ve only been wrestling for a few months and I’ve heard most of the cliches already. I get it, Southerners HAVE to be ignorant, racist people. Though this may true for some rednecks, it can be true of many people across our great nation. I’m not a racist person. If you are accountable for your actions, I don’t care if you are purple, you will have my admiration. If you are a scumbag cheater, regardless of color, I’m not going to want to be around you. I believe more in respecting than hating. As a redneck, I was raised to obey my parents and follow the Bible. I’m no perfect man, but I try to stay true to my beliefs and remember the lessons of the elders of the community, both good and bad.
There is something to be said about living in the concrete jungle of larger cities, the hustle and bustle of the fast life is intriguing to some...but not to this redneck. There is nothing like waking up on my family farm to the fresh air, getting up and working hard. Taking care of living things. I’m proud of where I come from. I understand what my culture is. I’m proud of my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my neighbors, and I’m proud of myself. In Possomgrape, Arkansas, family and friends are first.
My neck may be red and my arms are, too, cause of my work in the sun. My hands are rough like sandpaper. I have scars that tell a story. Not from garbage style wrestling, but from making my livelihood and taking care of my family.
My family hasn’t always been a success story as society would define it. When times got rough, I did have to move in with the Bane’s, but when times were good and they needed help, the Gooch family opened our doors. Through the good times and the bad, character building work ethic was the constant.
Give it your best.
ALWAYS give it your best.
This week I face the two biggest challenges in my APW career...the Survive & Conquer match...and a match against Mark Mania.
The Mark Mania.
Mark Mania is pound for pound one of the best MegaStars in APW. He’s held countless titles in countless companies. He came to APW where the best in the world compete...and this week, I face him.
I face him? Even if he has said some nasty things about me and doesn’t respect me very much...I still respect him as a wrestler.
I am honored to face Mark Mania this week, not just because it is for the Overdrive title, but because Mark Mania is a man of character...even if he isn’t showing it right now. I know this week, the match will be between us and there won’t be any funny business. The best man will win.
Mark...you were right a few weeks back...again, I don’t deserve this. Not even close...but just like a blessing on the farm be that a large crop or good season of mating...I’ll take this.
I’ll take this and run with it.
This week, you’ll get that “One more second” you wanted and more. You couldn’t finish the job two weeks ago, you couldn’t finish the job last week...and you’re not going to finish the job this week.
I’m just being real.
That’s my nature.
I really think that I will win, it’s going to be up to you to prove me wrong. I know that I haven’t been in APW for very long. I know I haven’t won over the fan base. I know there are millions and millions of Mark Mania fans that will be rooting against me. Not because I’m a bad guy, but because you have been that good!
I just haven’t proven myself yet...and this week I will. The odds are stacked against me...but I like that.
Perhaps Horace said it best, “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.” The Roman poet observed the role that difficult times attribute to the development of a persons character. In times of trial and persecution, character is revealed.
We are all heroes on the metaphorical mountain...but what are we in the valley? When we meet adversity who are we really? When it’s getting close to the end of a match...who will gut it through?
We can obviously see that struggles bring out the best, or worst, in people. Some have said that “Pain makes cowards out of all of us.” We see what they are truly made of. I’ve had my fair share of trials lately. Coach Coker dying. Annabelle’s accident. The birth of my daughter Lily (and the lack of sleep that goes with that). My friend Mac Bane leaving the company. Realizing that everyone expects Mark Mania to not only beat me, but annihilate me. I’ve proven it won’t happen, but if you ask the boys in the back...Mark Mania is going to make short work of me...that tears me up inside.
I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve accomplished in life. Some things have been easier than others. But this mindset of my peers hurts my feelings. It hurts my pride.
The trials I’m enduring don’t make me angry...when you get angry, you lose control. It makes me focus. If I’m going to overcome these odds, I have to focus.
We all have trials, some more severe than others at time. Trials are guaranteed in this earthly life. How we respond is what makes separates the men from the boys.
I’m a man.
All of these trials are the perfect storm.
Mark Mania...I am going to give you a tough match...it will probably be bloody...both of our blood...you will get my best, that is my promise to you.
You deserve that from me.
If I win, I expect to shake hands. Hopefully you will be humbled and turn back to the Mark Mania who is a man of character making no excuses.
If I lose, I won’t make excuses...you are a living legend.
Some men will shrink in times of trial. Mark Mania...I’m not that man. I’m a strong man regardless of my situation. I’m a proud man regardless of what others think of me. I’m an honest worker, that will do my best.
And I do it with a smile and some Southern Hospitality.
The cool brisk morning on the small town, Main street is awakened by vendors setting up their make-shift booths...today is the day of the 20th Annual PossomeGrape Winter Festival. People actually come from miles around to this festival. There is fried alligator meat, deep fried butter, homemade root bear, kettle corn, and every other unhealthy thing you can of eating.
The contests are great, too! The mayor is in the dunk tank, the 4 vs. 4 tug of war, the lip-sync contest...and the ever popular pie eating contest.
Started some 20 years ago, the pie eating contest has almost turned into a national event. The numbers have grown each year and this year a new record is being set...100.
100 people.
Buckson Gooch is one of those hundred.
This is his first year to compete. He’s always watched from afar, but after some prodding by J-Mac, he’s going to go for it.
Buck walks up to the registration table, covered in papers.
Buckson Gooch: My name is Buckson Gooch, I’m here for the pie eating contest.
The registrar knew Buck...it’s a small town. She was a smaller, older woman who had been the school secretary. She smiled as she handed Buck his packet...then a staunch voice was heard. The voice was that of Billy Joe Gurgen. The Billy Joe Gurgen. Multiple time and multiple food eating champion! Billy Joe Gurgen has been the winner of the pie eating contest in Possomgrape for the past 8 years. Gurgen is a professional eater. He’s won championships all over the country for his ability to eat. He’ll be sure to brag about it, too. He’s won contests for Italian meatballs, spam, buttermilk, and stinky cheese. He’s even turned it into a business, Gurgen Enterprises. Under the umbrella of Gurgen Enterprises, Billy Joe was able to be a part of multiple contests. Billy Joe Gurgen is a living legend...and from the sound of his voice, he thinks it too. Billy Joe stands about 6’2”. You’d think a champion eater would be a big guy, but he isn’t. He’s a man of class. While folks, like Buck, are wearing tattered jeans and overalls, no matter how well kept they may be, Gurgen stands out amongst the crowd wearing his three piece ivory suit. He is the height of his profession and gladly partakes in the fruits of his labor.
Billy Joe Gurgen: Billy Joe Gurgen...CHAMPION eater...Pie contest.
The smugness in his voice made the older women try to hide her instinct to curl her nose like she smelled a fart.
Buckson Gooch: Bille Joe Gurgen, I’ve heard of you. Good luck today.
Gooch extends his hand and Billy Joe looks at it like Gooch wiped with it.
Billy Joe Gurgen: Let’s get one thing straight, you don’t belong here and you sure don’t deserve to sit next to me...and seriously...Who hasn't heard of me? I've only been here for, like, five minutes and already have signed twenty autographs.
Buckson Gooch: Well, I guess that’s the way the numbers fell. You’re going to sit next to me and I’m going to give my best.
Gurgen rolls his eyes and walks away.
Gooch always knew he could eat a lot of food, he needed to for energy. Some may think he’s fat, but under those overalls he’s a solid man. He doesn’t look pretty by any means. No chiseled abs or obliques, but but he is in very good shape.
When J-Mac first challenged Gooch to do it, Buck thought it was a joke. But J-Mac pushed and was interested in the opportunity for Gooch to win a 55 in. plasma screen TV...or even come in second which was a gift certificate to Chili’s.
To get to the main attraction, we’d have to get through the first few contests.
The first contest was for Rocky Mountain Oysters. There were only 5 competitors brave enough to go for this one. Gooch is standing with J-Mac, as Annabelle stayed home to keep Lily out of the damp weather. Gooch felt a an elbow graze his and he looked over...it’s Billy Joe Gurgen again. Gurgen doesn’t make eye contact but starts to talk.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I hold the world record for this. 3 pounds, 11.76 oz in ten minutes.
Buck thinks Rocky Mountain Oysters are disgusting. Not that he’s ever tried one, but horse testicles never seemed to interest him, even if it were for the sake of competition. He will let that one go. Billy Joe stands there still, watching. The winner ate 2 lbs.
Billy Joe Gurgen: That’s all? This is the best you rednecks can do? Puh-lease.
They clear the oysters from the table and bring out gallons and gallons of mayonnaise. The next competition is mayonnaise eating. Gurgen speaks up again.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I hold the national record for this. Four 32 oz. bowls of the stuff...that’s 4 gallons, just so you know.
Gooch finally breaks his silence...
Buckson Gooch: Come on, man. That’s mayonnaise and you didn’t even do it here. You ate mayonnaise?
An annoyed Gurgen is appalled that Gooch would even consider questioning his heroics. He looks over and gives a stern look of indignation to Buck.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I’m the CHAMPION at eating mayonnaise...no matter where I am, I still hold that distinction. It doesn’t matter that I won somewhere else. I don’t have to prove anything to you pig farmers.
Gurgen looks back to the stage as the 7 competitors sit down...7 people trying to eat mayonnaise. J-Mac rolls his eyes at the ostentatious attitude of Billy Joe and walks off. Gooch would walk off, but he wouldn’t want to come off rude. This is his hometown, he’s not going to let someone get the better of him. That’s just not how southern hospitality works.
The gun fires and the men are reaching their hands in the bowls and trying to eat as much as they can. Gooch thinks he might be able to do it if it were Miracle Whip (who doesn’t love that stuff?) But they are using Hellman’s...and he just couldn’t bring himself to that.
Billy Joe Gurgen: What poor form. Those inbred buffoons don’t even know what they are doing. I’ve done this for years. Like I said, I’m the champion at this.
Buck leans to his left, the side Gurgen is standing on and farts really loud. He hoped that would snap Gurgen out of his trance and would get him to leave him alone...but Gurgen doesn’t even register the noise...or the noxious smell that accompanied it.
Even outdoors, that one was ripe. Gooch usually keeps his flatulence to himself when in public, but this was a special occasion to try to rid a pest...
Gurgen is too busy glorying in his championships of eating food in other places.
As the men are licking their mayonnaise covered fingers, Buck looks around. They are setting up tables preparing for the giant pie eating contest. They are making a giant square of tables covering them with plastic white table clothes. They are stacking hundreds of pies on a group of tables on the interior of the giant square. Chairs are being set up and other competitors are sitting at their places. They are tucking napkins in their shirt and they are ready to eat.
The gun fires for the conclusion of the mayonnaise eating...the winner, 3 lbs. 5 oz.
Billy Joe Gurgen: What a joke. I would’ve destroyed them today.
The loud speaker announces the winner and lets the Pie eating competitors get to their seats. Buck sits down and is ready for the competition...everyone is...except for Billy Joe Gurgen.
He realizes all eyes are on him as he takes off his jacket, his vest, his tie...his button up shirt...he does this slowly. J-Mac walks up behind Gooch and rubs his shoulders.
J-Mac Gooch: Beat him, Pops!
Gurgen shakes his head like, “Yeah, right!” and continues to fold his clothes.
It was at that moment that Buck realized who Billy Joe reminded him of...Mark Mania.
Bragging about his past. Talking about how much his championships mean to him. Being a condescending douche to people without his expereince level, making fun of people he doesn’t understand...Billy Joe Gurgen is the Mark Mania of competitive eating...or Mark Mania is the Billy Joe Gurgen of wrestling.
Gooch eyes Gurgen and finally has had enough...he sees Mark Mania.
Buckson Gooch: Sit down! It’s time to put up or shut-up. You’ve bragged all day about yourself. You’ve let on about your experiences. You have looked down on all the competitors...namely me. You don’t know me, you don’t know what I’m made of. You can claim you are going to give your best, but WHEN you lose today, you’ll just make excuses of some sort and sulk away. Sit down and get ready...NOW!
Gurgen jumps a little at the sharp words of Gooch and sits down at his place. The key lime pies are presented in front of each competitor by a flury of volunteers and judges.
The Gun shoots and they are off.
Gooch is eating the pies in a clockwise manner, while it seems that Gurgen is eating in a counterclock wise...his tried and true winning way.
Pie after Pie is consumed to the delight of the Possomgrape Festival goers.
Competitors are starting to get full. Some are just getting up and leaving, disqualifying themselves. Others are vomiting and that, too, marks them from the competition.
Nine minutes in and it’s a tie between Gooch and Gurgen. Both have eaten the equivalent of 8 lbs. of pie. Both are showing signs of slowing down. Gooch is eating and looks over at Gurgen, obviously hurting, too.
He’s sees Mark Mania’s face.
“You don’t deserve this”
“All I needed was one more second”
“Who did you blackmail to get this match?”
Gooch starts to go harder and eat faster, Gurgen sees this, but just can’t keep up. The gun fires...
BUCKSON GOOCH IS THE WINNER! CONSUMING 8 lbs. 9 oz.s OF PIE!
Gurgen gets up in a huff and sticks his finger in Gooch’s face.
Billy Joe Gurgen: You were lucky, if it had only been for another 30 seconds, I would’ve won!
Gurgen storms off as family and friends swarm Buck. He overcame the odds and beat the champion. He wasn’t the most seasoned or the most experienced...but he won today. No matter the thoughts of Gurgen and those like him.
How redneck of me? I know! A pie eating contest!
I’m sure you’ll have a field day with that, Mark. You’d never sully yourself to competitive eating.
It was difficult, and I never want to eat Key Lime pie again...but the joy on J-Mac’s face when we put the new TV in the living room was worth it.
This week is going to be tough against you, Mark. I’ve never doubted that for a second. But I’m looking forward to the look on your face when you are pinned for the three count...the shock...the awe...I’m sure it will be the same face, even though not covered in pie, that Billy Joe Gurgen made.
I know that when they hand me that Overdrive title. J-Mac, Annabelle, and my friends and family are going to be proud.
Today, I proved one man and some in the community wrong...this week...I prove you and the world wrong.
I’m not nervous or “gun shy”...I’m prepared for a war...are you?
All with a handshake and some Southern Hospitality.
- James Cash Penney
To say I’ve had an uphill battle since coming to APW would be an understatement. I’m a proud redneck...and that’s a good thing. Before someone casts stones, they should know about where I’m from...who Buckson Gooch really is. Mark Mania, even though he claims he won’t throw out cliches...still throws out cliches. Tell me more about Cyclops and David...or the Mighty Ducks...Tell me more about how you won’t underestimate me...how you won’t be arrogant...how I’ll get your best at Survive & Conquer...Why will the result be any different? You are openly admitting that you have a character flaw...you make excuses...A few weeks ago you claimed it was a dumb stipulation...that you only needed one more second...now, you weren’t at your best...what’s next? Was the sun in your eyes?
The Mark Mania that I respected so much, up until a few weeks ago, wasn’t a man who made excuses about everything. If you could’ve put me away a few weeks ago, you would have...but you couldn’t.
Couldn’t.
Why is this time going to be any different? I’m sure Johnny Rebel loves that you think I blackmailed him...perhaps Johnny Rebel wanted someone to teach you some humility and actually get you back to your roots.
Regardless of the outcome, you will hurt. You will be in pain. You will be humbled by this green rookie, pig farmer (as I’ve been called.) I have every intention of walking away with that Overdrive title regardless of what you think of me as a person or competitor. What matters the most is what actions take place in the ring. You know that...Why say you weren’t on “top of your game” and just admit that maybe I am good.
I imagine I’ll get the same Mark Mania that I’ve gotten for two weeks, who should’ve taught me a lesson in the tag match but didn’t, and I just wonder what the excuse will be if I do win.
“If it wasn’t for 3 seconds!”
“I’m old!”
“I couldn’t run forever!”
“He couldn’t do it again!”
With you these days, no telling what your excuse would be.
I’m not going to compare myself to Cyclops or David...or the Mighty ducks...I’m Buckson Gooch. I write my own story. I live by my word and I’m proud of who I am...even if the majority of people in APW think I’m something I’m not. I’m not going to win at S&C because I’m bigger than you. I’ll win at S&C because of the effort I put forth. The determination that I have. The intestinal fortitude that I will show. You may think I’m a slack jawed idiot who doesn’t know anything...but I know what it takes to succeed. You’ve already seen that.
I’m sure that many may have noticed, ‘ol Buckson Gooch is often maligned and ridiculed by the mainstream MegaStars here. I’ve only been wrestling for a few months and I’ve heard most of the cliches already. I get it, Southerners HAVE to be ignorant, racist people. Though this may true for some rednecks, it can be true of many people across our great nation. I’m not a racist person. If you are accountable for your actions, I don’t care if you are purple, you will have my admiration. If you are a scumbag cheater, regardless of color, I’m not going to want to be around you. I believe more in respecting than hating. As a redneck, I was raised to obey my parents and follow the Bible. I’m no perfect man, but I try to stay true to my beliefs and remember the lessons of the elders of the community, both good and bad.
There is something to be said about living in the concrete jungle of larger cities, the hustle and bustle of the fast life is intriguing to some...but not to this redneck. There is nothing like waking up on my family farm to the fresh air, getting up and working hard. Taking care of living things. I’m proud of where I come from. I understand what my culture is. I’m proud of my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my neighbors, and I’m proud of myself. In Possomgrape, Arkansas, family and friends are first.
My neck may be red and my arms are, too, cause of my work in the sun. My hands are rough like sandpaper. I have scars that tell a story. Not from garbage style wrestling, but from making my livelihood and taking care of my family.
My family hasn’t always been a success story as society would define it. When times got rough, I did have to move in with the Bane’s, but when times were good and they needed help, the Gooch family opened our doors. Through the good times and the bad, character building work ethic was the constant.
Give it your best.
ALWAYS give it your best.
This week I face the two biggest challenges in my APW career...the Survive & Conquer match...and a match against Mark Mania.
The Mark Mania.
Mark Mania is pound for pound one of the best MegaStars in APW. He’s held countless titles in countless companies. He came to APW where the best in the world compete...and this week, I face him.
I face him? Even if he has said some nasty things about me and doesn’t respect me very much...I still respect him as a wrestler.
I am honored to face Mark Mania this week, not just because it is for the Overdrive title, but because Mark Mania is a man of character...even if he isn’t showing it right now. I know this week, the match will be between us and there won’t be any funny business. The best man will win.
Mark...you were right a few weeks back...again, I don’t deserve this. Not even close...but just like a blessing on the farm be that a large crop or good season of mating...I’ll take this.
I’ll take this and run with it.
This week, you’ll get that “One more second” you wanted and more. You couldn’t finish the job two weeks ago, you couldn’t finish the job last week...and you’re not going to finish the job this week.
I’m just being real.
That’s my nature.
I really think that I will win, it’s going to be up to you to prove me wrong. I know that I haven’t been in APW for very long. I know I haven’t won over the fan base. I know there are millions and millions of Mark Mania fans that will be rooting against me. Not because I’m a bad guy, but because you have been that good!
I just haven’t proven myself yet...and this week I will. The odds are stacked against me...but I like that.
Perhaps Horace said it best, “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.” The Roman poet observed the role that difficult times attribute to the development of a persons character. In times of trial and persecution, character is revealed.
We are all heroes on the metaphorical mountain...but what are we in the valley? When we meet adversity who are we really? When it’s getting close to the end of a match...who will gut it through?
We can obviously see that struggles bring out the best, or worst, in people. Some have said that “Pain makes cowards out of all of us.” We see what they are truly made of. I’ve had my fair share of trials lately. Coach Coker dying. Annabelle’s accident. The birth of my daughter Lily (and the lack of sleep that goes with that). My friend Mac Bane leaving the company. Realizing that everyone expects Mark Mania to not only beat me, but annihilate me. I’ve proven it won’t happen, but if you ask the boys in the back...Mark Mania is going to make short work of me...that tears me up inside.
I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve accomplished in life. Some things have been easier than others. But this mindset of my peers hurts my feelings. It hurts my pride.
The trials I’m enduring don’t make me angry...when you get angry, you lose control. It makes me focus. If I’m going to overcome these odds, I have to focus.
We all have trials, some more severe than others at time. Trials are guaranteed in this earthly life. How we respond is what makes separates the men from the boys.
I’m a man.
All of these trials are the perfect storm.
Mark Mania...I am going to give you a tough match...it will probably be bloody...both of our blood...you will get my best, that is my promise to you.
You deserve that from me.
If I win, I expect to shake hands. Hopefully you will be humbled and turn back to the Mark Mania who is a man of character making no excuses.
If I lose, I won’t make excuses...you are a living legend.
Some men will shrink in times of trial. Mark Mania...I’m not that man. I’m a strong man regardless of my situation. I’m a proud man regardless of what others think of me. I’m an honest worker, that will do my best.
And I do it with a smile and some Southern Hospitality.
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The cool brisk morning on the small town, Main street is awakened by vendors setting up their make-shift booths...today is the day of the 20th Annual PossomeGrape Winter Festival. People actually come from miles around to this festival. There is fried alligator meat, deep fried butter, homemade root bear, kettle corn, and every other unhealthy thing you can of eating.
The contests are great, too! The mayor is in the dunk tank, the 4 vs. 4 tug of war, the lip-sync contest...and the ever popular pie eating contest.
Started some 20 years ago, the pie eating contest has almost turned into a national event. The numbers have grown each year and this year a new record is being set...100.
100 people.
Buckson Gooch is one of those hundred.
This is his first year to compete. He’s always watched from afar, but after some prodding by J-Mac, he’s going to go for it.
Buck walks up to the registration table, covered in papers.
Buckson Gooch: My name is Buckson Gooch, I’m here for the pie eating contest.
The registrar knew Buck...it’s a small town. She was a smaller, older woman who had been the school secretary. She smiled as she handed Buck his packet...then a staunch voice was heard. The voice was that of Billy Joe Gurgen. The Billy Joe Gurgen. Multiple time and multiple food eating champion! Billy Joe Gurgen has been the winner of the pie eating contest in Possomgrape for the past 8 years. Gurgen is a professional eater. He’s won championships all over the country for his ability to eat. He’ll be sure to brag about it, too. He’s won contests for Italian meatballs, spam, buttermilk, and stinky cheese. He’s even turned it into a business, Gurgen Enterprises. Under the umbrella of Gurgen Enterprises, Billy Joe was able to be a part of multiple contests. Billy Joe Gurgen is a living legend...and from the sound of his voice, he thinks it too. Billy Joe stands about 6’2”. You’d think a champion eater would be a big guy, but he isn’t. He’s a man of class. While folks, like Buck, are wearing tattered jeans and overalls, no matter how well kept they may be, Gurgen stands out amongst the crowd wearing his three piece ivory suit. He is the height of his profession and gladly partakes in the fruits of his labor.
Billy Joe Gurgen: Billy Joe Gurgen...CHAMPION eater...Pie contest.
The smugness in his voice made the older women try to hide her instinct to curl her nose like she smelled a fart.
Buckson Gooch: Bille Joe Gurgen, I’ve heard of you. Good luck today.
Gooch extends his hand and Billy Joe looks at it like Gooch wiped with it.
Billy Joe Gurgen: Let’s get one thing straight, you don’t belong here and you sure don’t deserve to sit next to me...and seriously...Who hasn't heard of me? I've only been here for, like, five minutes and already have signed twenty autographs.
Buckson Gooch: Well, I guess that’s the way the numbers fell. You’re going to sit next to me and I’m going to give my best.
Gurgen rolls his eyes and walks away.
Gooch always knew he could eat a lot of food, he needed to for energy. Some may think he’s fat, but under those overalls he’s a solid man. He doesn’t look pretty by any means. No chiseled abs or obliques, but but he is in very good shape.
When J-Mac first challenged Gooch to do it, Buck thought it was a joke. But J-Mac pushed and was interested in the opportunity for Gooch to win a 55 in. plasma screen TV...or even come in second which was a gift certificate to Chili’s.
To get to the main attraction, we’d have to get through the first few contests.
The first contest was for Rocky Mountain Oysters. There were only 5 competitors brave enough to go for this one. Gooch is standing with J-Mac, as Annabelle stayed home to keep Lily out of the damp weather. Gooch felt a an elbow graze his and he looked over...it’s Billy Joe Gurgen again. Gurgen doesn’t make eye contact but starts to talk.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I hold the world record for this. 3 pounds, 11.76 oz in ten minutes.
Buck thinks Rocky Mountain Oysters are disgusting. Not that he’s ever tried one, but horse testicles never seemed to interest him, even if it were for the sake of competition. He will let that one go. Billy Joe stands there still, watching. The winner ate 2 lbs.
Billy Joe Gurgen: That’s all? This is the best you rednecks can do? Puh-lease.
They clear the oysters from the table and bring out gallons and gallons of mayonnaise. The next competition is mayonnaise eating. Gurgen speaks up again.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I hold the national record for this. Four 32 oz. bowls of the stuff...that’s 4 gallons, just so you know.
Gooch finally breaks his silence...
Buckson Gooch: Come on, man. That’s mayonnaise and you didn’t even do it here. You ate mayonnaise?
An annoyed Gurgen is appalled that Gooch would even consider questioning his heroics. He looks over and gives a stern look of indignation to Buck.
Billy Joe Gurgen: I’m the CHAMPION at eating mayonnaise...no matter where I am, I still hold that distinction. It doesn’t matter that I won somewhere else. I don’t have to prove anything to you pig farmers.
Gurgen looks back to the stage as the 7 competitors sit down...7 people trying to eat mayonnaise. J-Mac rolls his eyes at the ostentatious attitude of Billy Joe and walks off. Gooch would walk off, but he wouldn’t want to come off rude. This is his hometown, he’s not going to let someone get the better of him. That’s just not how southern hospitality works.
The gun fires and the men are reaching their hands in the bowls and trying to eat as much as they can. Gooch thinks he might be able to do it if it were Miracle Whip (who doesn’t love that stuff?) But they are using Hellman’s...and he just couldn’t bring himself to that.
Billy Joe Gurgen: What poor form. Those inbred buffoons don’t even know what they are doing. I’ve done this for years. Like I said, I’m the champion at this.
Buck leans to his left, the side Gurgen is standing on and farts really loud. He hoped that would snap Gurgen out of his trance and would get him to leave him alone...but Gurgen doesn’t even register the noise...or the noxious smell that accompanied it.
Even outdoors, that one was ripe. Gooch usually keeps his flatulence to himself when in public, but this was a special occasion to try to rid a pest...
Gurgen is too busy glorying in his championships of eating food in other places.
As the men are licking their mayonnaise covered fingers, Buck looks around. They are setting up tables preparing for the giant pie eating contest. They are making a giant square of tables covering them with plastic white table clothes. They are stacking hundreds of pies on a group of tables on the interior of the giant square. Chairs are being set up and other competitors are sitting at their places. They are tucking napkins in their shirt and they are ready to eat.
The gun fires for the conclusion of the mayonnaise eating...the winner, 3 lbs. 5 oz.
Billy Joe Gurgen: What a joke. I would’ve destroyed them today.
The loud speaker announces the winner and lets the Pie eating competitors get to their seats. Buck sits down and is ready for the competition...everyone is...except for Billy Joe Gurgen.
He realizes all eyes are on him as he takes off his jacket, his vest, his tie...his button up shirt...he does this slowly. J-Mac walks up behind Gooch and rubs his shoulders.
J-Mac Gooch: Beat him, Pops!
Gurgen shakes his head like, “Yeah, right!” and continues to fold his clothes.
It was at that moment that Buck realized who Billy Joe reminded him of...Mark Mania.
Bragging about his past. Talking about how much his championships mean to him. Being a condescending douche to people without his expereince level, making fun of people he doesn’t understand...Billy Joe Gurgen is the Mark Mania of competitive eating...or Mark Mania is the Billy Joe Gurgen of wrestling.
Gooch eyes Gurgen and finally has had enough...he sees Mark Mania.
Buckson Gooch: Sit down! It’s time to put up or shut-up. You’ve bragged all day about yourself. You’ve let on about your experiences. You have looked down on all the competitors...namely me. You don’t know me, you don’t know what I’m made of. You can claim you are going to give your best, but WHEN you lose today, you’ll just make excuses of some sort and sulk away. Sit down and get ready...NOW!
Gurgen jumps a little at the sharp words of Gooch and sits down at his place. The key lime pies are presented in front of each competitor by a flury of volunteers and judges.
The Gun shoots and they are off.
Gooch is eating the pies in a clockwise manner, while it seems that Gurgen is eating in a counterclock wise...his tried and true winning way.
Pie after Pie is consumed to the delight of the Possomgrape Festival goers.
Competitors are starting to get full. Some are just getting up and leaving, disqualifying themselves. Others are vomiting and that, too, marks them from the competition.
Nine minutes in and it’s a tie between Gooch and Gurgen. Both have eaten the equivalent of 8 lbs. of pie. Both are showing signs of slowing down. Gooch is eating and looks over at Gurgen, obviously hurting, too.
He’s sees Mark Mania’s face.
“You don’t deserve this”
“All I needed was one more second”
“Who did you blackmail to get this match?”
Gooch starts to go harder and eat faster, Gurgen sees this, but just can’t keep up. The gun fires...
BUCKSON GOOCH IS THE WINNER! CONSUMING 8 lbs. 9 oz.s OF PIE!
Gurgen gets up in a huff and sticks his finger in Gooch’s face.
Billy Joe Gurgen: You were lucky, if it had only been for another 30 seconds, I would’ve won!
Gurgen storms off as family and friends swarm Buck. He overcame the odds and beat the champion. He wasn’t the most seasoned or the most experienced...but he won today. No matter the thoughts of Gurgen and those like him.
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How redneck of me? I know! A pie eating contest!
I’m sure you’ll have a field day with that, Mark. You’d never sully yourself to competitive eating.
It was difficult, and I never want to eat Key Lime pie again...but the joy on J-Mac’s face when we put the new TV in the living room was worth it.
This week is going to be tough against you, Mark. I’ve never doubted that for a second. But I’m looking forward to the look on your face when you are pinned for the three count...the shock...the awe...I’m sure it will be the same face, even though not covered in pie, that Billy Joe Gurgen made.
I know that when they hand me that Overdrive title. J-Mac, Annabelle, and my friends and family are going to be proud.
Today, I proved one man and some in the community wrong...this week...I prove you and the world wrong.
I’m not nervous or “gun shy”...I’m prepared for a war...are you?
All with a handshake and some Southern Hospitality.
