Titan For Hire: Paperboy

[Jake Titan]

A clearly drunken and possibly hung over Jake Titan is asleep on a couch. Forty ounce beer bottles, rolled up cigarettes and empty flask, clearly there was a party of one and Jake got hammered. The door to this apartment opened; sure enough it was his tag team partner Leon “The Virus” Roberts. He walked over to Jake and woke him up.

“Jake! Wake up man. Your rent is due, the old fart sent here to collect your rent. Pay up man.” Leon kicked his leg.

Jake moaned and weakly waved at him. “I don’t have it. I’ll get you back on the first of the month, my brotha.”

Was he serious? Did Jake really tell him that to wait until March first for February’s rent? Leon persisted and poured a beer on his head. However Jake was not fazed and he just laid there asleep. “I’m not in the mood to drink! Go away!” He said, his voice partially muffled by the couch cushion.

“You’re not good for the money Jake; you’re already two months behind in rent. If it wasn’t for the fact that your ass was well loved by GWE and it greatly entertained my old man and brought him good business, you would have been thrown out two months ago for not paying. But don’t make my dad look like a chump. Get up; you need to get to work.” Leon reached under his father’s tenant and pulled the couch cushions out from under him.

Jake slammed hard into the couch. Tired, angry, and still drunk, The APW’s Official Gangsta stood up revealing his banana hammock. Disgusted with Jake, the other man had no other choice BUT to look away. “Hey you woke me up; now look at my fabulous body.”

Wanting to further torment his fellow “Natural Born Killa”, Jake turned around and started his morning exercise by doing some squats and other lower back/butt firming stretches. It was a hard sight to stomach; Leon had to get out of here and left the room. After Jake finished his stretches, he left the room and saw Leon was waiting for him. The land lord’s son raised his hand up, sliding his thumb against index and middle finger, it meant “Where’s my money?”

Jake rubbed his face. “Are you serious? No, just no freaking way man. Come back later next month, I’ll hit you back up on the first.”

“No you won’t, here.” There was bag full of magazines and newspapers shoved into Jake’s chest. Leon walked over and showed a hot pink “Barbie” bike to Jake Titan.

The former real life gangster’s jaw dropped slightly, his face of disgust and shock, stared at Leon. This was humiliating, did Leon seriously get him a job as a paperboy and showed him a girl’s bike to deliver with? Could this possibly get any worse? Sure enough, Leon tossed him a “Barbie” helmet. The two men stared at each other for several long minutes.

“I ain’t wearin’ dis.” Said Jake as he tossed the helmet back.

Leon tossed it back. “Yes you are.”

A short time later, Jake is riding the girls bicycle up a street. Swearing under his breath, he threw newspapers at their right homes. But unlike professional paperboys, he aimed at people as well as windows. Every time a paper hit a person, he was heard screaming “Ten points!” and each time he broken a window, Jake would scream “Yahtzee!”

It didn’t take long for Jake to infuriate the entire neighborhood he was riding the bike through. Peddling as fast as he could, Jake tore through people’s yards in an attempt to escape the small mob that was running towards him. One thing came to into mind, why the Hell am I running? Jake stopped the bike and ran with the papers. Although this wasn’t a dignified job, it wasn’t even a job he was proud of or wanted!

Jake abandoned his bag of magazines and newspapers in a bush, then being the true man he is: jumped into a bush. The angry mob stopped and began to yell at one another, giving directions to search for him. Several minutes passed before the crowd broke up, now he had a chance to get out. The sound of a motorcycle is heard roaring down the street. It was Leon Roberts, as luck would have it; he was there to rescue Jake Titan.

“Damn, that is one nice hog there Leon.” The Gangsta leaned over and noticed license plate. “Is this yo’ old man’s bike, dog?”

“Yeah and if you touch it, you'd much rather deal with me whooping your ass then my dad. Because he'll gut you like a fish, hang you to dry, send you to a 3rd rate taxidermist and hang you on the wall like a trophy!” Leon said as he reached into a bag and slapped a clip board into his chest.

“What dis?” Jake said as he looked at the clipboard.

The papers are an advertisement for several different jobs. One for being a guinea pig for various medical studies, several for paid try outs for competitive lumberjacking and midget throwing, unfortunately for Jake, they didn’t get better and just got worst. Papers flew out of the clipboard; the lesser jobs were ripped up and thrown out of the clip.

This was insulting to Jake. Is there no limit that Jake would go to earn cash to pay for his rent? The answer to the question is simple: No, there is no limit. Pleasantly surprised that Leon was willing to help, Jake looked his friend in the eyes. “Bro, I’m glad you’re offering me all these jobs. But don’t you have one that pays well after one day? I mean I’ll do anything to keep a roof over my head that doesn’t leak and walls that don’t allow me to hear people fighting of shaggin’. I mean I’ll do anything! You want me to steal a car, whup a brotha, or rectally take pills. I don’t care, I’ll do anything.”

“Yeah my dad doesn’t take care of mooches and so far you’re mooching… don’t you also have a massive child support payments?” The question stung a lot, as did his Lee Major’s impression.

Dejectedly, Jake turned his head away and kept his cool. “I can’t say if that’s true or not at this time. But I need work.”

“I’m glad you said that, because I have this too.” Leon handed Jake the recent match card for APW: Meltdown. “Valo has already said something so have I.”

“Yeah I know, I checked it on my new lap top.” Said Jake.

“Funny… I don’t remember you owning a lap top. When did you get it?” asked Leon, one could hear the mistrust in his voice.

Jake widened his eyes; suspiciously his eyes darted around but returned to Leon. “Last Tuesday.”

The face Leon gave was of utter disappointment. “Funny, you got a lap top when mine was stolen. You didn’t steal mine, did you?”

“Yeah… I did and I’m not giving it back. But I will say this, you talk mean game. Tuhoa Valo can talk some game, too bad his accent makes it hard to understand him. But I knew the important s*** he had to say.”

A nonchalant Leon pulled out a newspaper, obviously he didn’t care what Jake had to say. “Really, do enlighten us.”

Undeterred and still eager to make an impressive showing, Jake put his game face on. “I understand he has problems with his partner. I don’t know this Christian Kane but it sounds like a Totally Nauseating Action rename, and I did see his match. I feel bad for him; he fell short of winning the APW North American Championship. I really do, but maybe he needs to hit up the minor league some more before he’s ready to take that championship off Logan Alexander. I’m hoping he shows up ready for action because that’s what I came here for. Action, either from p**** or poundings, know what I mean dawg?”

Unable to control himself, Leon let out a low chuckle. “The single life getting to you, eh Jake?”

Jake’s eyebrows flattened as he glared at Leon. “Don’t do that me, dawg. I like being single, I ain’t no p*** whipped bitch like you.” Leon brushed his shoulders off, literally and returned to reading. “Look man, Christian Kane is still a serious challenge, how else would be a multi-time champion? Last I looked into you, I couldn’t find jack s*** on Tuhoa. A god among men? How many times have you heard that one? I don’t know but I know I’ve heard it too many times myself. Next thing I know, he’ll be claiming that he’s God’s Gift to Humanity. Ya feel me?”

“Yup.” Was all Leon could say.

With a slight laugh in his voice, Jake replied “Gay.”

“Shut up.” Barked Leon at Jake.

Jake pat on Leon’s back. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself, dawg. But like I say yo’, I’m not gonna take these guys lightly, it just sucks that Tuhoa is taking us for chumps. You’re a former multi time world champion and I understand that doesn’t mean a lot walking into another fed. But you’re still a world champion, that’s much more than what Tuhoa can say at all. I’m more worried about his partner who had a failed at winning the APW North American Championship than himself.

“Another thing that grinds my gears about Tuhoa, he’s actually PROUD of the fact no one knows who is, was or ever will be. There’s nothing about his past so there’s nothing to be proud of. If I was him, I rather relive my past accomplishments than proud of nothing.” A light went off in Jakes head, his face screamed ‘EUREKA!’

“I got it! He won’t tell us about his past, because he ain’t jack s***!” The two laughed it off. “Seriously, how else can someone be proud of nothing? Wear a mask and start new, ain’t dat what Tuhoa did?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what Tuhoa Valo did. He’s a total bitch; why else wouldn’t he want people knowing who he is?” A page flipped but Leon continued to read.

“After Meltdown, he’ll remember the names of Leon “The Virus” Roberts and ‘The Original Gangsta’ Jake Titan! Don’t worry Leon, unlike Tuhoa Valo making another check his ass cannot cash, I’ll be in your corner. I’m ready for Meltdown in Los Angeles; I just hope I don’t end up like Biggie Smalls.” Obviously Jake wasn’t worried but stopped a moment to remember Notorious B.I.G.

“But hey, look at me. I have just as much as Tuhoa Valo on my bio page but does that really matter? Christian Kane came up short and you didn’t ever appear at Survive and Conquer, yeah neither one of us did but you are a member of the roster. You ain’t s*** dude. Oh and don’t think I forgot about you Christian Kane, you had couldn’t win the North American Championship at Survive and Conquer and Monday Night Meltdown, you and your partner ain’t gonna beat me and Leon Roberts. Leon, let’s roll dawg.” Jake jumped behind Leon, who had started up the motorcycle.

“Seriously ‘dog’ I want my lap top back.” The kick stand snapped into place and Leon began pulling out.

“I’ll give it back when I’m good a ready, man-bitch. I ain’t gonna break it, so chill out and save your energy for those whack cats.” Jake patted on Leon’s shoulder and the two head down the street.

End Promo