The Devil’s Deli

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
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Episode 34 - "The Devil’s Deli"

Edger G. Gallagher: What the Sam Hill is wrong with him?

*random bear grunts*

Joey the Lizardman: Dunno, SSSSSha-Nay-Nay. Maybe he issssss a drunkard or ssssomething? Awful fond of groping hissss waissssst…

*silence*

Edger: THIS is the man who is supposedly in charge of OUR carnival now? Preposterous! An absolute smorgasbord of inane foolishness!

The Carnival[/u]

The carnies all stare out the window onto the carnival grounds as Delikado can be seen below in a folding chair, asleep perhaps, and mumbling softly to himself as he gently rubs his sexy waist.

Boss Delikado: *mumbling* Wrestling…cool….Mark…Mania….and rabies….urgh……title….

Sha-Nay-Nay the circus bear grunts almost bitterly.

Midge the Midget: Is he an athlete? He looks to be in good enough shape, not to mention he has a “famous face”.

Lizardman: He’sssss definitely wressssstler. Resssssearch I did, found out—

Edger: Enough! All of you! It makes not a stroke of difference what he does! Is that understood??

Joey the Lizardman hangs his head gently as the carnival ringleader glares momentarily at him and the others.

Midge: Why don’t we just call the cops? These ‘Deli TV’ goons are clearly trespassing on our land.

Boss Delikado: Because famous people like Delikado cannot be halted by means such as “the fuzz”, you fools.

Suddenly, Delikado has appeared directly behind the carnies, giving them all a fright as he stands there in the shadows, emotionless and limber like a zombie. Edger looks from the Cuban to the folding chair, finding it’s empty!

Edger: H-How did you…

Boss Delikado: Delikado is a timeless chorus, his Bawseness is unyielding in the face of all danger. He took rabies to the neck and was plunged into a monotonous hell for weeks on end, and yet here he stands. There is no enemy, no opponent, no soul present in this world who can stop me. Delikado is living immortality, and all that he touches, all that he wants, all that he sets even a moment of his gaze upon…he shall have, and *has* had. It’s all gone, a world that is different and able to be better than Delikado. Even your Mark Mania is weighted in failure against the force of the Deli.

Lizardman: Who?

Boss Delikado: Exactly.

Lizardman pauses awkwardly and hangs his scaly head once more.

Sha-Nay-Nay: *bear grunts*

Midge: Well…ummm…neat? But can’t we all talk this over or something? I mean this place, everything we are, it’s here and—

Sofia Monzón: God, you people are thick-headed to no end. Don’t you get it?

Sofia walks from the shadows now and stands a few inches away from Delikado. Ron Reynolds is also at her side. She glances between Da Bawse and the carnies.

Sofia: This man’s in the zone, a world that nobody can crack through. We all are. We have to be. His entire focus has just been warped, poisoned by the rabies that flow uninterrupted through his veins.

Boss Delikado: And Delikado shall have his vengeance upon the pretender who gave him those rabies. He shall squish under his boots anyone who gets in his way, or tries to break the focus he has upon the Mark Mania, on behalf of MY Overdrive Championship. As far as you, or anyone else in the world should be concerned, this is all connected, a path set ahead by the fates, which do Delikado’s bidding, to bring Da Bawse back to the top of his empire once more.

This was meant to be from the start: let Mark wallow about MY APW with MY championship, let him grow in strength and become diluted with cockiness through the venom injected into his waist by my Overdrive Championship, Delikado’s partner in crime, and meanwhile Delikado’s strength would fall not into disrepair, but rather hibernation, to grow and be built into something bigger and badder and more BAWSE than anything the wrestling world’s ever seen! With that strength, with the growth of the ULTIMATE DELIKADO, Mark Mania will be stamped out, as was made to be. And with the people led initially to believe he was my superior, that he was better than me—A PA-THE-TIC NOTION TO INDULGE ANYHOW--, his downfall will be all the more destructive and painful. Mark Mania has been built up all this time….only to be knocked down from the highest of heights that it made available. By Delikado. By Delikado’s title. By Delikado’s rabies. By the fates of the cosmos that Delikado commands. There’s nobody who can pillage and conquer and haunt and RULE like ME! This carnival is but one example, but take notice, carnies, that there’s NO MORE fun to be had, carnival fun or otherwise, for the boots on Deli’s feet demand serious retribution, and there’s only a handful of people who stand a chance of escaping that sort of serious redemption.

Mark Mania…is not one of them.

Silence falls over the room. Edger inhales slowly, his eyes widening.

Edger: Absolute nutter…

Delikado points a mighty finger to a door marked ‘WAR ROOM’ in big bold letters.

Boss Delikado: Go and see for yourself the nuts of me. Beware: they are massive and BAWSE.

The Cuban walks over and unlocks his ‘War Room’. Everyone enters slowly and with pause at the sight: Inside the ‘War Room’ is a vast array of Mark Mania images on screens and photographs. Data is strewn all over the floor, and writing litters whiteboards, blackboards, and even a purpleboard. Some writing has even stretched over to the walls…and the ceiling, as Edger looks upward. Noticeably, the word “RABIES” is sprinkled amongst the writing in what looks like carved marks, perhaps from something sharp. There’s even a raccoon that is locked up in a cage, eyeballing the carnies with wild eyes. The animal hisses and spits foam as Midge the Midget comes too close!

Midge: Lordy Lord…

Edger: You’ve turned my exquisite office into some sort of…cultish, psychotic nutter house!

The mime of the carnies, Mr. Mime (fuck I’m clever), makes motions toward the numerous Mark Mania photos lining the room.

Midge: Yeah, who is this exactly? He seems pretty important to you.

Sofia: He’s part of the reason we’re here now. Mark Mania. His winning—

Boss Delikado: Taking. Unjustly.

Sofia: …Unjustly taking of Delikado’s championship belt guided us to this carnival. Sort as a base of recovery while we stockpile for our next move.

Mr. Mime nods and salutes Sofia, who stares icily at him.

Sofia: Like the Cuban said, nothing stops us.

Sha-Nay-Nay the circus bear nudges at the writing with his nose, grunting.

Lizardman: Yesssssss, these articles mention you and he, Mania Mark. He gave you…what issss thisss…?

Boss Delikado: The rabies. A maddening will to win, Delikado prefers to think of it. It’s liable to strike anyone.

The carnies stop and turn in shock to Delikado, who pops a cigar into his mouth and lights it casually.

Lizardman: You hasssss RABIESSSS?!

Sofia: It’s a sign of the times, the battles we face, the consequences. Our form of wrestling is a hell of a lot dirtier than any wrestling someone might do against that bear of yours. During the early stages, someone tricked Delikado into being bitten, infected.

Boss Delikado: We KNOW it was Mania! Flip flopping bastard’s just too much a pansy to admit he used biological warfare to get to the Overdrive title. Couldn’t cut it with actual talent…

Sofia: Be that as it may…that raccoon right there is our backup plan, the conditioning we’ve been forced to undertake with Mania trying to lock us out of the Overdrive division for good. Eye for proverbial eye, so to speak. It’s about as ugly as can be, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, OR with the kindest of methods.

Edger: Yes, yes, this is all quite…fascinating, but in the end it is a SPORT, pure fictional entertainment, men on men brawling in TIGHTS that drove you to ransack my business? Madam, you appear to be a bit more rational, and so I shall speak to you when I say this is the epitome of droll. Title fights and division blocking, Mark Manias and whoever else with the rabies talk and Rome and all your dilly dally stalling! There is no rhyme or reason, no justification for this being done, nor for my being expected to take it!

Mr. Mime opens the one closet in the room, and our spills a huge collection of replica Overdrive Championship belts, among other Mark Mania related doo-dads. Edger‘s eyes narrow as he focuses on Delikado.

Edger: What are you exactly? I feel it to be an insult to declare you a ‘who’, because *I* am a ‘who’, a rational person, a human being.

Boss Delikado: I’m Da Bawse. A half-Cuban, half-French badass who has scoured the globe, been setting up shop and owning fools from all over the U.S. to Japan to freaking Alaska. Pro wrestling fools AND suit-wearing fools like yourself…

Edger: Well then perhaps it would be best for your multiple-heritages to traverse back to one of those prior places.

Delikado turns and steps toward Edger, who is getting a bit more cozy and comfortable all of a sudden as he navigates around his former office.

Boss Delikado: Delikado goes nowhere and does nothing but of his own choice, carnie.

Edger: Quite understandable, you are a part Frenchman, you have the snob and inability to back down until you are defeated. Tell you what, we shall compromise: You and your bunch may navigate to the outer rim of my carnival if it suits you until you are ready to truly move on. This way you have what aids you, and I have what is mine.

Delikado takes a long puff on his cigar and blows smoke into Edger’s face.

Boss Delikado: Heh. You know, you’re a lot like Delikado’s foe Mark Mania. He also tends to think things are his when they’re really mine. It makes him stupid…er…and if Delikado were in the mood, he’d test out his physicality on your moustache, as sort of a demo to the world of just what kind of ass-kicking is coming. But he won’t, and he also won’t be moving to the “outer rim”. That’s where the pedophiles are.

Edger: My employees will help you clear the area out if you so do desire. We DO have a bear, after all.

Boss Delikado: Nah. See, when we first arrived, nobody was home, no locks were on the doors, and so Deli Tee Vee’s set up shop in turn. We fought off the masses, we won the battle, ergo the carnival goes to the winners as the spoils. Dibs have been declared. That’s how it is in Delikado’s other place of business, the APW, why should this carnival be any different? Delikado practices what he preaches, that is when he isn’t practicing on his practicing of mastering. I’m also a professional master, in case you didn’t know.

Edger: Delightful. But please, do be tasteful and not so hostile.

Mr. Mime walks next to Edger and makes rapid waving motions, pointing to Delikado and then to the carnival window.

Boss Delikado: Fine. Delikado intended to ship Mark Mania to the Xtreme Title division after he was defeated, and so he shall grant you five something for your efforts. You like the toxic waste pool on the south side?

Edger: I like it ALL because the carnival belongs to ME! My name is on the paperwork! I have records showing this place has been mine for years now!

Boss Delikado: Prove it. Show Delikado your John Hancock on the pretty pieces of paper.

Edger stalls as he looks around his former office, the most likely place the paperwork would be.

Edger: Well I…it’s bound to be here in this room somewhere—

Edger starts to move when Delikado cuts him off with an extended arm. The two get eye to eye.

Boss Delikado: Delikado can’t have you trespassing and going through his stuff, bro. Only one name holds value over anything in this carnival now, and it’s “Boss Delikado”, bitch. Now you all, as “guests” in Delikado’s point of view, walk around and visit and then want stuff. Too much time and effort has been put into rebuilding this place—

One of the office doors falls off.

Boss Delikado: And Delikado’s grunts have suffered…by making me suffer….

Edger: Ha, this is rich. You cannot POSSIBLY figure this as something you can get away with! My employees and I are picking up where we left off with this place, and that is that. It is our just cause.

Boss Delikado: Lotta bitches feel things are their just cause, and Delikado’s put em all in their proper place. “Just cause” I could.

Edger: Perhaps it is YOU who needs to be put in his place, you right crackpot—

As he says this, Edger grabs an empty champagne bottle off a desk and approaches Delikado threateningly. In response, Sofia cracks her whip and Ron Reynolds steps up with a wooden pirate leg, both almost protecting Delikado like a barrier as the carnies stop Edger from acting further.

Lizardman: Bossssss, Bosssss! No, not thissss way! Peace musssst be had if progresssss is to be made!

Edger: Peace? With HIM? Joseph, you are a riot.

Boss Delikado: Yeah, Joseph, any peace Delikado sees making is just gonna LEAD to a riot with this guy.

The former carnival owner and the new carnival owner stare each other down tensely as everyone else in the room tries to maintain some sort of calm.

Edger: I am NOT walking away from my carnival, my office….

Lizardman: Carnival isssss big, maybe cut off piece for ourssssslevessss?

Sofia: You all taking flight sounds like the better solution to me. Or hell, join up with the APW and we can all settle this there. Winner takes all.

Boss Delikado: Now, now, Sofia, APW has enough runts taking up space on its rosters. The last thing we need is a wrestling bear.

Cut to all of you as you gasp in horror at this statement and then raise your fists.

You: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cut back to Deli and the gang. Edger rubs his chin in thought.

Edger: No, there will be done of your barbaric sports enterta—

Boss Delikado: Bite your tongue. Bite it.

Edger: ……….But I will propose this: You talked of having a match with this…”Mark Mania” character, for some trophy or title I believe? Anyway, if you win, we will take whatever part of the carnival you dictate for us to stay at.

Boss Delikado: If any.

Edger: Fair enough. But if you DON’T win, if you do not return with your title belt, then you are GONE from my carnival. All of you. If you can “defeat the masses” as you put it to claim this place, then besting one man for a single hunk of gold should be no problem for you, yes?

Delikado pauses as he chews on his cigar in thought. Edger smiles slyly as he extends his hand.

Edger: Do we have a deal?

Boss Delikado: Technically we don’t have to have shit and you five can choke on it….but you know what…Delikado’s game. You got a deal.

Delikado shakes Edger’s hand, somewhat aggressively, and the two are eye to eye yet again.

Boss Delikado: But let Delikado give you fair warning: Win or lose, you screw with Da Bawse, or even look like you might be thinking about it, and he’ll jack your shit up. Straight up, cold-blooded, Mortal Kombat FINISH YOU.

Edger’s eyes seem to light up and match Delikado’s in terms of intensity as he moves just a fraction of an inch closer.

Edger: You better bring your A-game, Cuban, because otherwise I will go old school Kano on your rectum.

The scene sharply cuts to black on the opposing sides.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

~Delikado Chronicles From A Tape-Recorder~

The Overdrive Championship has had nineteen different owners. Seven of them are still active within the APW today, with a good part of them either going on to win “better” titles or in the position to do so. Biggs has held the belt more than anyone, and he’s a mainstay of the Overdrive roster, and it seems fitting to call him a future Hall of Famer, as he stood at #9 in the 2012 End of the Year Awards rankings that told us who was the best of the best. Terry Marvin, APW’s present, and arguably greatest, Undisputed Champion, used the Overdrive title as a stepping stone to become not only the face, but the fuel of this great company, and his position as the #1 star in APW today is well-earned, not to mention rooted in his early days as Overdrive champ, and Kurt Noble tells a similar, albeit more fragile story.

However…none of these people carried the Overdrive title or made it quite as interesting as Delikado did. FACT!

The seeds of Boss Delikado’s greatness can be found in title belt successes he’s had in the past, even to his early days when the APW was still just a twinkle in Jeff’s eyes. It was in these days when Delikado learned and mastered the art of being a Champion. It ain’t cockiness, just straight up proven history that Delikado can beat anyone and everyone put before him. It’s a trait, conquering your enemies, that does the body good and keeps it good when you’re protecting the Bawsely gains Delikado’s gathered over the years. It takes direct action, and sometimes a more methodical, plotted approach.

It also takes a tempter and passion, of which Delikado wields LIKE THE MIGHTIEST BLADE OF THE BLADES! And as a Champion, it doesn’t matter if Delikado’s temper is in or out of control, so long as shit gets done, BIZ-NASS gets handled! Delikado’s encountered and encourage the wrath of so many over the years, to the point people didn’t want to defeat Delikado for what he had, but merely to defeat him, to shut him up—feats of which are, sadly for those people—impossible. A long time ago, they would have deemed Delikado a witch for his unstoppable nature. A mystical creature. Today? They just call me Boss.

And so here, right here, are the traits that Delikado possesses that makes him THE Overdrive Champion, Mark Mania. Delikado does not take the time to make his belt a ‘subordinate title’ to the greater APW titles like you have. No sir. When Delikado gained it first, he set out to make the Overdrive title the best title in APW history! You did not do this, and you have not done it since. The title still plays second fiddle to most other belts, and the only reason our match is the Main Event on Thursday is because Delikado’s in…CREDIBLE pull obtained us the spot. Right there, Delikado influenced more with his little finger than you’ve done with your entire title reign.

Because I am a big deal. Delikado’s got destiny.

And now he’s got the offensive. He’s coming for you, Mark, with a vengeance. Vengeance for you giving me rabies, for hitting me with that chair in that tag match last year, for simply breathing my air and then not saying “thanks for the air, Deli!” Delikado has the initiative, whereas all you have is a defensive hill of douchebag you’ve set yourself up on, thinking you’re Marky Badass. Little do you know how off balance you really are, how in Delikado’s favor the fates have tipped the scale. Delikado is not entering that ring Thursday just to receive your shots, take your best, and then be floored as some footnote in your “reign”. On the contrary, Delikado is launching a whole new command of conquest to you, the bane of the Overdrive division’s existence, and he’s making YOU the footnote to his mighty return to the throne of Overdrive glory. It is persistence you have not felt or seen, or definitely showed yourself, before in APW, and it will leave you demoralized and overawed, Mark.

Right before my foot knocks you the fuck out.

You have deemed Delikado the negative to what the Overdrive title should stand for. Hell, what the entire APW should stand for. But here’s the newsflash: nobody put you in charge of dictating how the title’s supposed to be, how the company’s supposed to be, how ANYTHING is supposed to be, because you’re just Mark Mania. Just. Mark. Mania. All those other chumps you bested in your defenses, they put you on a pedestal when they faced you. They either tried to see the title as you did, or they saw it as something else. Either way, it was very much unlike what Delikado envisioned, and it sent them to their doom if Delikado may be so mild.

Whenever Delikado takes a listen to what you’ve rambled on about with your reign, Mark, he’s wanted to just walk onto the camera with you and whip the hell out of you before a word else could escape, because Delikado holds YOU in contempt for the sorry condition the Overdrive title’s fallen in! It was never Deli, but YOU! ALL. YOU. You never even claimed the belt off Delikado righteously. You had to use weapons, and you have used weapons every time you “bested” Delikado or “got one over” on Delikado. Don’t believe me? Just watch the tapes, bub, and you’ll realize not once have you ever defeated Delikado by your own tried and true, blood spilling and tear-inducing resolve! NEVER!!

And now Delikado’s in advance, because among his traits of aggressiveness and passion, he has foresight. He sees himself two steps ahead of you, Mark. The ring welcomes Delikado; that’s why Noble cut and ran from this title shot, because he realized, however crazy he’s gotten, that Mister Cuba is in tune with the ring like never before. The Xtreme Ttitle shot Delikado earned? More proof that the ring, the fates, want to see me in a position of glory! Delikado has keenness, Marky boy, and maybe…just maybe, it’s the rabies you gave him that bestowed such a gift. After all, the hawk and the pelican possess such keenness, why should not the mighty Boss Delikado?! Delikado has the instincts, courage that goes above and beyond, and a boldness that was unprecedented in the Overdrive division before I claimed the belt! You had your chance to take on the same attributes, but you didn’t. Even as Delikado went into hibernation, even as he took on his cocoon shape, and left you to make a name for the Overdrive title through your efforts…..you wasted it all. Nobody remembers what you’ve done since we clashed for that belt, Mark. Azrael Gorunaway? Pfft. Please, the fact that he bailed right after your match is evidence alone he wasn’t a proper challenge for that belt, and yet you brag. You brag like it matters. Another newsflash:

It doesn’t matter.

The game is over, Marky. No more Mister Nice Boss. The situation has boiled over on you, and Delikado has tightened every skill he has flowing within himself to end you and the charade you took my poor, innocent title belt on. You might detract Delikado’s words, but hell, it’s not like your words have made a difference to anything else. It’s not like you’ve broken me, because if you did, Delikado wouldn’t be here ready to rip your head off like he is now.

No more, Marky boy. No more of this…It’s time to right the wrongs you made and set the APW back onto the glory path. LIKE A BAWSE![/font][/size][/color]