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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 18, 2013 20:02:22 GMT -4
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 18, 2013 20:29:17 GMT -4
Oh and I forgot to mention that I am looking for someone that can proof read my RP's as well just to get me started on knowing where to improve. Let me know if you are up for the job by PM or even on here. I will even give people feedback in return to the ones that reply on here as well.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Feb 18, 2013 21:00:30 GMT -4
I just think you're getting a string of bad luck as far as this losing streak is concerned, you're getting bad draws. you were going against me and saint, then AJP/Bailey/J-HOp/Slade, then Slade again and you had 1 RP to his two.
GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR!
You're latest one is probably the best out of the bunch. The grammar problems weren't as noticable. There's not much to tell you that I haven't told you already.
As far as your confidence goes, ignore the result of your matches. I don't know how many people don't understand this: this is game, yes you put effort into it and yes you want to see your effort paid off, but guess what, so does your opponent. Don't worry about if you're RP is going to win, worry about if your RP is going to be an entertaining read or not. You're RP against me and Saint, not that entertaining, doesn't keep the reader's attention, where as this past one does a better job at it.
One thing I'd like to see is to slow your roll with all these weird settings. Ice soccer? Angry Birds in an empty stadium? Okaaaay, but the circus clown vampire shit is far too out. It doesn't relate to your match at all. You spent all those words setting up what was going on and it doesn't relate to your match at all. For example, I had a promo with TJ standing at Stonehegde why? because William D Williams Jr had wondered what would have happened if he didn't have a loving support system. I said TJ didn't have that and look at him. Then I compared TJ to Stonehedge, neither had a strong support system and yet they both stand tall. If you're gonna spend time making a setting, make sure you make it worth it.
I know by now it's something we're all aware Stefan is doing, but the continued references to the STarrdome, may not be helping you. You need to stick to APW stuff, the representing another company thing works a bit given the President Jeff stuff, but again make it relevant, why do you go to the Starrdome rather than a regular gym like everyone else in APW does?
You need to stay on topic. You're not facing Jeff until Rasslemania, and while some continuity in your roleplay is good, I think you focus about a 5th of your promo onto Jeff where as your opponents are focusing more on you than you are on them.
One last thing, you should try to show more and tell less. For example:
Stefan hadn't talked about Slade Craven yet, but he was his biggest enemy in the match, as he knows all about him with his in ring wrestling skills, that he had manage to produce in the ring. Elton laughed a bit when Stefan said something, about Aubrey masturbating on Jeff and Schmidt pictures.
Elton: "That was just a priceless comment you said, about Aubrey playing with herself on Jeff and Schmidt pictures."
You show us that Elton laughed, but then you tell us he thought it was funny, you do that quite a bit in some of your RPs, which hurts. You waste words doing that. Also, allow the reader some room to imagine and figure out what is going on. The Aubrey masturbatig TO jeff and schmidt was funny, so trust the reader would understand why Elton was laughing so if you had just put
"Elton laughed as Stefan thought about Slade Craven, a man he knew a lot about due to their reoccurring battles"
I just cut 52 words out of that part of the promo. 52 unneeded words. That's about a 100th of an RP period total. I figure you could do that ten times an RP, that's 500 words, a fifth of your single RP. That's another 500 words to talk trash.
And above all else, read your RP out loud. I ask someone if they can listen to something and if it sounds right. It helps.
READ YOUR RP OUT LOUD!
READ YOU RP OUT LOUD
DO IT!
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 18, 2013 21:34:57 GMT -4
There was a reason why I did one RP for that Slade match and that was because I had to sort things out for my move and going to Germany which I had to put RL stuff first. We did agree however that we have 1 RP judged for the match since Slade couldn't do the 1 RP situation that I PMed him about as soon as the card was up due to the continued story that he had going on.
Thank you so much on giving me full detailed feedback for me on what to improve on as I make sure that I will do that in these next few RP's.
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Post by Jason Cashe on Feb 18, 2013 22:10:27 GMT -4
Yeah you do...Crazy person!
I think TJ has nailed everything that needs to be said perfectly. He has really blossomed like a flower in the feedback department. I say that to pick at his menacing presence of course. He's a Flower...Anyways, Raabies should be something you take and use for yourself. I think the nickname given to you can last so long. "Bad Influence" was dubbed on me one time and I took it, switched it up and used it to better my character and have been using a form of "Influence" since. Raabies makes it funny and you could use some more humor but I think you've grown a ton since first coming to APW. Everyone has room to improve.
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Post by Johnny Rebel on Feb 18, 2013 22:12:53 GMT -4
Absolutely agree with TJ.
The biggest problem you have with your RP's isn't content but pacing and flow. Your sentence structure is wonky sometimes. But I'm assuming that English probably wasn't your first language? I could see how that would be difficult.
Reading your roleplays out loud will help with some of that. If it doesn't sound right when you're reading out loud, it's not going to read very well.
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Post by President Jeff on Feb 18, 2013 22:21:20 GMT -4
guys, stop giving Raab feedback in RP's
At least until after Rasslemania ;D
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 18, 2013 22:23:41 GMT -4
English was my first language but the problem is that I suffer from having a learning difficulty that hits me big time hence why my grammar and everything else is pretty bad and it's taking me time to learn everything due to that.
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 18, 2013 22:25:10 GMT -4
guys, stop giving Raab feedback in RP's At least until after Rasslemania ;D LOL that's a cheeky thing to say Jeff. We'll see what happens then. |
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Post by Reaver on Feb 18, 2013 22:42:11 GMT -4
 cheeky  |
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Post by Jules on Feb 19, 2013 20:45:45 GMT -4
Raab, I think I've said this to you before, you need to give this character a unique identity. If it was me I'd camp this German mofo up to the hilt, write him with an over the top German accent, have a bit of laugh writing it.....maybe that works for you, maybe that doesn't.
I won't go into all the technical stuff because TJ covered it well enough, but the main problem I see with Raab is the gimmick itself. To be honest I'm not even sure what the gimmick is. You play the #mosthatedmaninAPW card, but what is the reason behind that?
Let me be positive first and say, in some sense, you've gone some way towards earning the tag. IC Raab is certainly disliked, and as a wrestling fan sure I want to see this mouthy scrote beaten up every week - so if that is your angle, then you're going someway towards it.
However, aside from wanting to see Raab get chinned for being a no-good bastard who can't back up a thing he says (because slags like that deserve it), I've got no other reason to be invested in the character. Once I've seen him have his balls shoved up his arse a few times, well what else is there?
A comparison: I want to see Terry Marvin get beaten up on a weekly basis (ic), but at the same time I love that asshole for making me feel that way. I look forward to what he is going to do the next week to offend me and make me hate him even more. With Raab, I just want him beaten up because's a mouthy idiot, and I don't suffer fools greatly.
So Raab is the most hated man in APW - why? Is he devious? Does he push the boundaries in some way that offends my moral code? Is he an abusive bully who needs a comeuppance? He's none of these, he's just a mouthy little shit. Once he's been chinned and put in his place, I've got no more time for him.
That is a huge barrier you have to find a way to overcome. Evolve the character in a way that makes him believable in some way, so he evokes more than just the stock 'someone shut this daft twit up'.
Also, he's not very German....not at all. Again, you don't have to like or use the writing in accent thing, but there are little touches you can bring to show us that Raab is German, and that somehow this informs who he is - be it little eccentricies, cultural references, or just the way the language is used. But then maybe this isn't an important part of the character's personality as you perceive it.
One last thing: you need to do something about the burying. Yes, he's a heel, and I know we ALL (Kurt Noble's awesomeness aside) have a tendency to do that when we're writing heel. Certainly when I'm pressed for time or space my default mode is to trash the opponent, but you have to be mindful of HOW you're doing that. If you're going to bury your opponent you have to have a good reason for doing it.
-Is there humour in your trash talk?
-Are you using colourful or imaginative language? (I don't mean swearing, but analogies, metaphors, lingustic pictures)
-Is there an underlying logic to the trash talk you're dishing out?
-Most importantly, does it pack a punch?
By that last point I mean I have you given your trash talk something that will make it stick in the reader's mind. Right now I don't think you're doing that, you're just hurling impotent insults that are a bit like water off a duck's back.
I'll leave it there because I don't want to rip you apart. I do think you have some good basics, and some of the stuff you do is good (your IC presence on twitter has certainly been something for example), but it's all a bit muddled and one-dimensional.
I know you have tried to flesh out the character with the bi-polar thing, but really give that some thought about what you are trying to tell us about the character by doing that, and how you are you going use it to evolve Raab as a wrestling character. Give him some humanity we can latch onto - even the most hated heels have that, as much as we hate them, we have to at bottom understand where they are coming from, even if we don't like or agree with it.
Good luck and keep trying. Don't give up on yourself.
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 20, 2013 20:03:19 GMT -4
Thanks so much also for the character/gimmick tips Jules. The thing is that I don't know enough German to make Stefan speak in an German accent but maybe I could try with the German I already know to put in the RP's though.
This RP I am going to do against Jeff I will write something along the lines of explaining and reminding people that Stefan is German etc for damn sure.
I plan to go onto a German course pretty soon which I know will help me a lot not only to speak it but for RP's in general as well.
With the burying thing. Do you mean like I should try and get Stefan to respect some of the things that the wrestlers he is facing has done?
Back again with Johnny. I kind of want to know what you meant about flow and pacing that I am having problems with?
Sorry for asking so many questions but this is how much I want to improve and how I have to step my game up big time. Also with my learning difficulty that I seem to have problems understanding things sometimes.
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Post by Jules on Feb 20, 2013 20:28:45 GMT -4
You wouldn't have to include extensive passages of German, but rather than using English/American insults, you can throw small things in like generic German terms of insult in their place. That's kind of what I'm getting at to give the German-ness of the character some expression.
But these are just tips or suggestions. It is your character, so you have to do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't take this as me telling you what you should do. But when you're part of a strong roster you need to find something to make your character stand-out, no matter how small.
As for the burying. Well, I don't want to say what you should do, just saying its something you have to think about. I know Raab's thing is not to respect anyone; my point was to give thought to how you convey that. You can only say about someone 'they're a waste of time and space', 'he's a useless prick' etc. so many times before it becomes a bit tedious. Disrespectful heels will always do a bit of burying, that's part of their whole agenda, but if you're going to trash your opponent you want to try and do it in that doesn't kill the buzz for the match.
You can completely dismiss your opponent with some flippant insult and it totally kills any buzz there might be for the match. This is an example of bad burying. If you need a referent, look at how The Rock destroyed Booker T's credibility during the WCW/ECW invasion angle in 2001 with his 'who the Hell are you?' line when they first came face to face. WWE made Booker look like such a chump that you knew he was NEVER going to beat The Rock. Booker T was a 5-time WCW champion, he deserved better than that.
You can dismiss your opponent on some grounds that are believable or convincing. This is burying of sort, but at least it is grounded in something. If you've taken the time to build an argument against someone, it at least shows some respect. Also, it might give me a train of thought I can follow and get invested in.
Look at T-Marv; he does a lot of burying, but he's so extensive in how he does it that it shows there is an underlying respect there. It's like he wants to convince you that his noxious diatribe is true; it's like a psychological warfare. You never get T-Marv flippantly shrugging off an opponent as a total non-threat.
Simply saying 'this guy is terrible' and not really exploring why is the worst kind of burial; it's the e-fedding cardinal sin in my eyes.
Is that clearer?
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Post by Lord Raab on Feb 20, 2013 20:44:49 GMT -4
Yes it is my friend. I will try my best to sort things out.
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