Hang ‘Em

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
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Episode 35 - "Hang ‘Em"

Damn it, that son of a bitch CLEARLY cheated! He HAD to have injected an extra dose of rabies into Delikado’s raccoon before or during our match.

…What?

Yeah, bro, it’s totally logical and within that bastard Mania’s chemical warfare cheating nature. Poor little coon’s all jacked up.

Does he mean “coon” as in raccoon or—

Please don’t finish that thought.

The Carnival[/u]

We open to find Delikado, Sofia, and Ron Reynolds shifting through their personal belongings, as well as the rest of the Deli Tee Vee team’s stuff. Some boxes are being resealed as items are put in them. The deal forcing Deli and the gang out of the carnival, should the Cuban have failed to defeat Mark Mania one week ago, is being carried through, it would appear. Sofia, her hair in a long pony-tail and her hands hard at work breaking down camera equipment, looks up to Delikado, who is chomping on a cigar.

Sofia Monzón: So what’s the plan here? Are we really listening to these jag-off carnies?

Boss Delikado: Delikado doesn’t believe it himself, but he has to say it, people are saying our fame’s dwindling, that the Delikado star is sputtering out. That word-of-mouth dissing our street cred is spreading to everyone, even these carnies, and that takes a lot of force out of Delikado’s beautiful words of FACT!uality. Even though he cheated in every imaginable way, Mark Mania is still being called the winner last week, and they’re calling Delikado the “loser”. Pfft, it’s garbage, but garbage sells as any Nicki Minaj CD will show you.

Ron Reynolds: She’s got, like, ONE good song—

Delikado throws a TV across the room in a rage and spins around to his least favorite staffer.

Boss Delikado: SHUT UP RON REYNOLDS, SHE IS TERRIBLE, AND SO ARE YOU! Stupid BITCH! Loveless WHORE! Ugly MOTHERFU—

Sofia: ALL RIGHT! ……Come on. We’ve got to figure out where this leads us to go from. Right now we don’t have the resources to stay on the road for a long period of time.

Delikado puffs on his smokes as a means of calming down as he turns his eyes to Miss Monzón.

Boss Delikado: Well that schnook GM of ours has seen fit to put Delikado against one of his brothers in Terry Marvin…maybe the champ will throw us some assistance.

Sofia: Are you SERIOUSLY going to try and pull a “Deli-Marvin” card, after all this time? Do people even remember that you two were a team at one time?

Boss Delikado: Yes, they do! Because it was AWESOME! Awesome and PRO! Terry won’t leave Delikado to rot……though, he’s gotten a bit stingy lately.

Ron Reynolds: What do you mean?

Boss Delikado: Ehh. Since Survive and Conquer he just, Deli don’t know, he just ain’t acted like Delikado’s bro and all. Hell when me and him and Evan and CK go do our Sunday morning workouts, he’s always doing more pull-ups than me, lifting bigger weights, putting off a bigger stink than me even! And Delikado works just as hard as anybody round here!

Sofia: Bigger Megastars don’t have time to dwell on their former comrades. Even you should know that.

Boss Delikado: “Former?” Bitch please! Delikado is STILL one of Terry Marvin’s brothers! We fight for the same damn thing: cleaning up the APW and elevating it into a golden renaissance! He don’t dwell on Deli, he EMBRACES Deli, and that is a FACT!

Suddenly, doors off to the side open, and in walk the carnies. Edger G. Gallagher leads the way, as expected, and he poses a rather cocky image as he surveys the cleanup being done. And why shouldn’t he? He won the bet between himself and the invading “rapscallions.”

Edger G. Gallagher: Well, my little ducks, are you all in your rows, yet?

Ron looks up to the curly-mustached ringleader.

Ron Reynolds: Getting there. We’ll need transportation to get these heavier loads out.

Boss Delikado: That’s what she said…

Sha-Nay-Nay the circus bear roars at the bad joke, causing Delikado to pounce back and puff on his cigar cautiously. Gallagher snickers in bemusement at the confused looks on the faces of Delikado and his gang.

Gallagher: He says your humor is both unwarranted and unrecognized, not to mention unnecessary since you stand in humiliating defeat.

Joey the Lizardman: Good effortsssss though. Makesssss me remember time me wasssssss going to be professsssssssssional wresssstler.

Midge the Midget: Yeah, I actually quite liked your programming. I might just start putting APW on my TiVo.

Sha-Nay-Nay whimpers softly to his fellow carnies. The Mine silently stands off to the side, glancing between everyone in a peculiar fashion as he stands next to Gallagher.

Lizardman: Who knowsss, you might be right, SSSSSha-Nay-Nay. Maybe Ah-Peh-Dubssss will sssstart injecting midget wresssstling and bear wressstling into shows. Cuban Deli, you could perhapssss talk to your bossss, maybe Undissssputed Champion Terry Marvin, on our behalfssss?

Gallagher: Whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone, let us not be so rashly immature. You all already HAVE jobs here at the carnival! With ME. No other place is worthy of your traits, and there is nothing else you need, ESPECIALLY from this acerbic maroon. So hush the noise of this Terry Marvin and—

Boss Delikado: You speak ill of APW’s Undisputed Champ, you and Delikado might have to go a few rounds before he goes…

Edger starts to speak, but merely scoffs softly and twirls his moustache. He grins at Delikado, as if to bluntly show he has no reason to fear the Cuban now that he has forced him to pack his bags and go. As Edger turns and walks through the room, Delikado, who is eyeballing the carnie ringleader in distrust, pulls the cigar from his mouth, lowers his arm to his side, and subtly acts like he’s stretching…when in reality he’s lightly touching a lamp at his back, ready to grab it if necessary.

Sofia: Easy, Deli…

Meanwhile, Edger leads his carnies throughout the large room, and he begins to peel Deli Tee Vee materials off its walls. Sofia notices that he carelessly tears off one of her photographs, a picture of Sofia and her twin sister Vivienne, and Monzón, her eyes widening, takes some rather venomous steps toward the smug carnie leader.

Sofia: Is that part of your “just cause”, messing with other people’s shit when they’re trying to leave you be?

Gallagher: I didn’t want it damaging the paintjob.

Sofia and Gallagher are now sharing a tense standoff, before the more level Monzón snatches her picture from the impudent Edger’s hand and not-so-subtly shoves him away from her path.

Gallagher: There’s some old wagons from our pony rides outside the fences if you want to stack your supplies in them. They’re missing some wheels…but I reckon that’s not a problem.

Boss Delikado: Deli Tee Vee does no half-assed Oregon Trail wagon shit. Delikado’ll only go when his crap’s stored as he likes it, even if that means more time spent here…

Edger frowns at this, but says nothing as he takes a few steps back and walks out of the room with his carnies in tow. Delikado dabs cigar ash to the ground and exhales angrily as he turns to his staffers.

Boss Delikado: See? Bitches getting attitudes just because Delikado ain’t scoring them “W’s”.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Ron Reynolds: Everything’s packed up cept for…

The welcoming building door is pushed open as Ron Reynolds, followed by Delikado, enters. Dee-Struction looks up from her unraveling of paperclips and jumps up curiously.

Dee-Struction Forte: Are we going on an adventure now??

Ron Reynolds: Uh, yeah, sure, kid. Whatever.

Delikado snaps at Ron Reynolds.

Boss Delikado: Do not talk to the blood of Delikado like that, Ron Reynolds, or he will kill off yours. No “future endeavored” shit neither. Hardcore, ya feel me?

Reynolds swallows somewhat nervously and hurries off as Dee-Struction walks alongside her Papa.

Dee-Struction: So ARE we going on an adventure, Papa?

Boss Delikado: Yeah sure whatever, get away from me.

Father and daughter stop and glance over to the Nurse’s Office where Dr. Apartment is still being held in his coma. Ariel Hassle, the Cuban’s girlfriend, walks out, brushing her blonde hair aside with a sigh. Her stomach is noticeably bulging, as the pregnancy is over three months now.

Boss Delikado: Sup? Coma boy wake his lazy ass up yet?

Ariel Hassle: ……No. His pulse did increase a bit earlier, and his breathing was quicker, but he’s settled down. His legs are a loss I’d say, and when he wakes up he’ll need a wheelchair.

Boss Delikado: Well scoop him up and throw him in a sleeping bag or something, because we’ll need to move ASAP.

Manny Valdez walks out of the room and looks to Delikado curiously.

Manny Valdez: You can’t be serious.

Boss Delikado: Hey, Delikado was gonna just say we kill him, let that lizard carny eat him or something, but I PGed it up for you. Unless….you all WANT to kill Doc App……? Is that….an op….tion…?

Ariel: We’re not killing anyone.

Boss Delikado: Then either do the sleeping bag thing or we might just have to leave him to be all coma-ified by himself here. Just be glad Delikado’s stalling.

Ariel: Can’t you work out some sort of arrangement, Deli? Please? We can’t just keep packing up and moving willy nilly, not with Dr. Apartment like he is, or me with my constantly expanding waistline.

Boss Delikado: Yeah, you’ve really let yourself go….

Ariel: A COMPROMISE, Deli!

Delikado’s eye twitches and he grips Ariel by the arm, pulling her away over to a corner where he locks eyes with his pregnant girlfriend.

Boss Delikado: You think the world is compromising with Delikado right now? I just had to listen to one of my best friends in the APW take up the hunt for a title that should be MINE, directly after I lost the chance to take it back from that rabies-spreading shit-stain! And now Delikado’s gotta duke it out with another wrestling brother of his who he gets the feeling is actually not his brother anymore, but rather someone who hates Delikado’s guts and wants him gone! Add in these carnies jaw-jacking and climbing all over Delikado’s ass to get him removed from land he claimed, mix it with you and your Xenomorph, and Doc. App being unable to make Delikado some rabies medication for THIS!

Delikado pulls up his shirt, revealing a rather nasty looking bite, possibly from the raccoon episode last week. Ariel is shocked and forced to cover her mouth.

Ariel: Zoinks!

Boss Delikado: I know right?! Nobody wants that on their magazine covers unless it’s the “Inbred Hillbilly Getting Bit By Nature” magazine—available at Wal-Mart—and what’s more APW is wanting less and less of Delikado since he’s been dropping the bread so much lately! Delikado wants to say the DTV empire is doing well under me and my in…CREDIBLE abilities, but it’s hard to make that claim when bitches are sitting in spots that should belong to ME! Slowly but surely, the NOT-Delikado world is closing in and breaking down the Boss Delikado universe, taking it away piece by piece and changing it into something…ugh…HORRIBLE. Delikado’s here—

He puts his hand down low near the floor, and then elevates it as he speaks.

Boss Delikado: When he SHOULD be way up here! With the Xtreme Title on one hand, the Overdrive Title on another, the Tag Team Titles on the waists of me and Evan, and maybe even a possible Undisputed Title shot waiting in the wing! The Year of Delikado should be now, but it’s not “now”! It’s some sort of…..”later…MAYBE!”

Ariel: You don’t think the Year of Delikado could use some assistance? Working *alongside* people to raise your stock a bit, perhaps?

Boss Delikado: Delikado will NOT play nice with others, sister. Hell to the no on that. Delikado don’t need a ‘Sindicate’ to pose as his pimp and push him out into the greater whore-light—I can do that myself! Delikado’s gonna make the world as HE alone sees fit, not as some collaboration clusterfuck of people wants to see it. There can be only one “Boss”, and it shall be BOSS Delikado! Not “Bosses Delikado and Terry Marvin”, not “Bosses Delikado and Kurt Noble”, hell not even “Bosses Delikado and Evan Envi!” Do you understand Deli, woman?

Ariel pauses, hanging her head in thought. Delikado turns away, bitterly grinding his teeth.

Ariel: Do you suppose the OTHERS will understand…? I mean if what you’re saying is true, and we’re steadily being closed in on, on all sides, then what’s stopping someone—in APW or these carnies—from sealing the deal and finishing you? God only knows how many options are available.

Boss Delikado: Nobody’s going to “finish me”. Delikado’s got the potential to be down sometimes, maybe beaten up a bit, but he can never be out. They might have OPTIONS, but Delikado swears by his sexy, four-syllable name that they aren’t OUTCOMES.

Delikado finishes off his cigar and sighs, looking around in thought.

Boss Delikado: But damn it does Delikado wish he had some better plans ahead.

Ariel: …What’s your plans right now?

Delikado pauses as he pulls out a new cigar and goes to light it.

Boss Delikado: Just one: Hang ‘em. Hang ‘em all. Doesn’t got to be pretty, just done.

Ariel’s eyes widen as smoke slithers from Delikado’s mouth like a fountain.

Ariel: Is that in regards to—

Boss Delikado: Everybody. Terry, anyone in APW who mouths up, these carnies. Every. Single. Bitch.

Ariel: Are you sure you’re up for all this?

Ariel puts her hand on her stomach and Delikado glances to her.

Boss Delikado: Like a Bawse. Everybody loves Delikado…even if they hate him. That’s why they won’t see it coming.

Ariel: Well…..if you say so, if that’s how you feel you need to make it work.

Boss Delikado: Your agreement with Delikado puzzles him. Weren’t you trying to keep him from competing so hard a while back? “Put it in cruise control” or something?

Ariel bites her lower lip as she looks away, trying to explain her change of attitude all of a sudden.

Ariel: Okay, so I might’ve said some stupid stuff back then, but I’m living in a carnival with a baby on the way whose father is, to be honest, a pretty shitty wrestler right about now, and I’d like to see that situation improve, if not just for that baby. I have to support what you think is best, whatever your plans are, because I don’t have any myself. I think you’re good at what you do, deep down. I think you can do anything Terry’s done, that Evan’s done, that ANYONE who’s been successful in this company’s done, if you put your mind on the right agenda. You’re not a failure, Deli—

Boss Delikado: Delikado never said—

Ariel: Just…play along…You’re not a failure, and I know it. In fact, I think everyone knows that, even your enemies. You’re just a little lost, but now…

She takes his hand and looks the Cuban in the eyes.

Ariel: You’re going to go be found. As the star of APW you were born to be. And with your star’s return to the top, you’ll bring this empire back and keep us all okay. You just have to be of sound mind, and of level intention.

Ariel kisses her hand and puts it to Delikado’s forehead. She then raises a fist upward, to the side of her head.

Ariel: Now go fuck Terry Marvin’s shit up harder than it’s ever been fucked, my strong, interdependent black brother.

Boss Delikado: …Wut?

Ariel: Heck if I know. This baby’s already starting sucking the energy out of me.

Delikado can’t help but smile, and Ariel smiles too, as the scene fades to black.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Delikado’s sitting on a bus right now, riding out to the Moncton Coliseum. Yes, ya heard Deli. Not a plane, not his Smart Car Monster Truck, but a BUS. Planes cost cheese Delikado can’t cracker up right now, and it’s gotten to the point Delikado can only rent his Smart Car Monster Truck for special occasions, and even that’s by the hour. But yes…that’s where Delikado, Da Bawse, stands right now. Not so Bawsely, you might be telling yourself, listeners of Delikado’s chronicles on a tape recorder, but hey…at least this urine-smelling, one gust of wind from toppling over, block on wheels allows Delikado the time to sit and ponder, to think, to step up in his own mind and face certain realities. Allows Delikado to separate points and make ‘em clear. Delikado can even come to terms with realities he didn’t think possible until now. Realities Delikado welcomes. Like this one:

Delikado is not meant to surpass you, Terry, because he doesn’t even like you enough to know you. Delikado is the polar opposite to your career, the villain to your protagonist-self.

…

Delikado used to pal it out with you, yuck it up, makes bitches out of definite bitches. And looking back on that, on our brief adventures, Delikado mixes it together with what he sees and hears of you now. Brother, you are a nuke, clocking down to one big explosion that’s gonna wipe everything you built up to kingdom come. To be honest, Delikado always figured that’d be himself, and maybe it still is. But right now, YOU, T-Marv, are the volcano that is gonna go boom, and hell if Delikado ain’t looking to back away when you collapse, melt down on yourself, and burn up the shit around you, the Sindicate, whoever else still stands in awe of the ‘Showtime’ Terry Marvin mountain. Delikado ain’t a nature man, but because he fears nature, Delikado takes enough knowledge of it to know that by looking at you once…Delikado knows you ain’t natural.

You set people up to think you’d leave. Right away. Like, that you’d abandon the title and all you built up, and just walk away. But you didn’t. It was all one big funny moment. What was that even for? What did it accomplish? Maybe a mind-game or two, but you know what? It also accomplished in making you seem like you WOULD walk away on the title and APW if it suited your better interests. And that right there ain’t the Terry Marvin who should be Undisputed Champion. Even in jest, the top champion of APW stands by his belt and his company and his peers until he drops dead, or the company does. That’s what Delikado’s done. Not once has he abandoned a title, or even suggested he will. Yeah, it was to get to Gates, but psychics or therapy shrinks or whoever will tell ya that every thought, every action, even a charade, comes from deeper workings. And your deeper working just might be this, Terry:

Not only are you a nuclear bomb, you’re also a baby, a coward, and you’d flee from your own doom.

And now here’s Delikado telling you another shocker: I deserve what’s coming to me.

Yeah, Da Bawse, me, I’m earning some freight train beatings here and there. It’s gotta be me who jumps into the crater and sets off the charges to start up the boom-boom pow of the Terry Marvin mountain collapse. Like an action hero’s last stand, a last ditch effort to save the greater good. When we started this, it was about changing APW…and Delikado realizes the depths of that change. No matter what Delikado does, it’ll always be selfish and concerning himself, because it’s his life and career, yeah, but now that selfishness is clashing with your selfish selfishness. Does Delikado need to paint you a picture, Terry?

Delikado is rejecting YOU! He is saying FUCK YOU and your NOISE, and YOUR Undisputed Championship. Not THE Undisputed belt, just YOURS! You bring NOTHING to Delikado’s APW! To the APW of NOBODY do you assist! And what’s more, Delikado would rather turn anonymous and wear a BAG on his head, not because he’s ashamed of himself and his shortcomings later, but because he’s ashamed of YOU! Never has Delikado and Deli Tee Vee been more isolated than since you took the crown! Delikado has to walk HIMSELF down that aisle to that ring for HIMSELF, not for YOUR APW!

Delikado…has been waiting for a threat to his APW for some time, Terry…and it’s you.[/font][/size]