The Vegas Man

[Trevor Hyatt]

Here


Well an early roleplay as i've got other commitments as well and felt good about this one. It features Trevor and his shady agent Todd Vegas. It has comedy, yet it's more about what's at stake and my opponents. ;D

[Jason Cashe]

My first complaint is the centered promo. It's too compacted in my opinion. Other than that it's written well, I like the Vegas character as he brings something new to the table as far as side characters go. I also like Diary Entries but for a guy, maybe Journal is a better placed word for it. Also if it's one promo then it shouldn't have 2 entries, just the one would work better. Using only 2000 words, you could have added more to it. Not that being under the limit hurts you alot but when Meltdown is 3k, quality vs quality being hard to judge at times, I'd assume the one who had more quality in more words takes the cake in the end. Not saying you're in a super close match, I liked it overall but it has a few things you could do to make me a bigger fan. I do like Hyatt best out of all I've seen from you, I was starting to like Calvin as well though so either way.

[The Soul Of Philly]

When I get home after class ill leave ya feedback.

[The Soul Of Philly]

Alright first things first, I HATE your layout, it's so damn annoying to my eyes!!!!

Now that that's out of the way, actual feedback. GOnna divide it into the three portions of the writing: speech, thought and narration, then give my overall thoughts.

SPEECH

- I liked it. It felt more natural than other stuff I've read of yours. I think you can explore more range of emotions with Trevor than you could with Calvin.

- You barely mentioned your opponents. A short sentence here and a short sentence there. You needed more. You wrote that this was Trevor's last chance to make it to RM, and you pushed that saying you weren't going to slack off, well, how aren't you gonna slack off? You gonna take it to Evan and Megan? You gonna do this and this to them? All you said was "This is my last chance" "I'm unsure if this is right" "BILL FUCKING MURRAY" This was basically a hype myself RP.

- I'm not sure how I feel about this Vegas guy yet. He sounds like an agent though, so you did well there.

THOUGHTS

- I like the idea. Especially if you use this as a platform to give your thoughts on your last match. Unlike Kash, I don't mind you calling it a diary, what I mind is you're doing it in such a way that a teenager would do, Dear Diary. Trevor is a GROWN ASS MAN! "Diary Entry #3" "Journal Entry #63" "Entry Date 3/23/42" "Log Entry" something like that would make it feel more adult. It's not a girl vs boy thing to me, it's an adult vs child thing.

- The one thing that bothered me was that you wrote the diary entry, assuming, after your Meltdown on the 18th. But you wrote in the diary as if it was a day or two ago. Then you spoke in even FURTHER past tense in the second paragraph of the first entry. The second paragraph would have sounded much better had it been written in the present tense: My life isn't getting any easier. I've only managed to get one win on Meltdown, but that's about to change though... Normally when writing a diary/journal, one says what's happened during the day and what IS happening. As if you were talking to a therapist. You would say what happened in your life, what's happening in your life and what you hope happens.

- The second entry is better than the first, imo. Aside from slipping into some promo type speak referring to Hoosiers saying, "You all know..." this is a diary/journal. Its just you and it. No one else.

NARRATION

- I liked Trevor's opinions on things. I liked that you wrote that Trevor didn't like Todd, but took pleasure in knowing that Trevor being a former lawyer made Todd suffer.

OVERALL:

- Grammar. Grammar. Grammar. You needed some commas in this piece, a lot of part's where hard to understand without them. At the same time, you had commas in the wrong place. proof read

- Going in hand with Grammar, the flow of your RP....well it was slow. It was like as I was reading the speech, the narration didn't quite fit with what was just said at times and it hurt.

- It's clear to me you rushed this. Quite a lot of grammatical errors, it feels to me like you wanted to get this RP out there quick and dirty so you could have enough time to focus on some other things, which is alright, but your RP suffered because of it. The card went up at 930 last night and your RP was up at 8 AM today. In under 12 hours you posted this. Dunno what part of the world you live in, but of those 12 hours, six of them I spent sleeping. I think if you wrote it all out. Let it sit for a day come back to it and re-read it you would have noticed that A) your errors 2) You were 500 words short of the limit this week and C) that you clearly had rushed it, you would have made the changes needed and boom a better piece of work.

- And to counter Kash, at least in my mind, if you can say just as much as your opponent did in less amount of words, you did a better job. You got your message out quicker.