Post by Jake Titan on Feb 25, 2013 0:42:29 GMT -4
Outside a Montreal Convention Center, Jake Titan and Liberty Roberts walk in as Jake is obviously forced to take Liberty. Normally Jake has no problem in taking his tag team partner’s out for things he didn’t want to do but this was ri-god-damn-diculous. Why is he the ONLY BLACK MAN at this convention center? He looked around and noticed that he might in fact be the only black man in Quebec!
Still one thing was on his mind, how did he get volunteered for this? Why would APW’s Gangsta take a man’s daughter, who is dressed like Dante from Devil May Cry to a Magic: The Gathering Regional level tournament? Then something went off in his mind. At the time he wasn’t really paying much attention but he remembered his conversation with her father.
Leon Roberts stopped by Jake’s place, the walls were rather dirty, carpets never vacuumed, garbage not taken out in a week, glass beer bottles lined the floor and Jake was where he always was when he was at home: Watching his lava lamp. The Canadian Devil sat down next to Jake and nudged him.
“Give me everything in your pockets?” An odd request, surely there had to be reason.
Jake reached into his pockets and pulled $5.37, Canadian, and put it in Leon’s hand. “What’d I just buy?”
“The right to take Liberty to Montreal for a Magic: The Gathering Tournament that has a Devil May Cry movie preview and I’m just too busy to take Liberty, so you’re going to Quebec.” Then Jake’s tag partner poured the contents of a can over Jakes head.
The Original Gangsta lies there, licking his face and tasting the beer. After the first can was poured out, Leon stood over Jake and unzipped his pants. “Wake up or I’ll wake you up.”
Jake groaned loudly and sat up as Leon locked up the hound or as Jake called it “Canada’s Littlest Joke.” Waking up usually took Jake three hours but having beer poured on you followed by the threat of Yellow Discipline was more than enough to get any man moving. “Dis for da rent I owe?”
“No, you’re doing me a favor… oh and tell me what this movie is like.” Leon showed him the case of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender and put it in his portable DVD player.
Leon nodded his head and threw a bag at him. Now we return to today as Jake leaves the bathroom dressed as Virgil from Devil May Cry. This was BEYOND humiliating. First Jake is forced to become Leon’s babysitter, now he’s become Liberty’s bitch and was forced to dress as a character from a game for a system he doesn’t even own!
“Your old man is dead.” Jake grumbled under his voice.
Liberty was very excited; he’s never seen the girl act like this before. She grabbed his hand and pulled the foot dragging Jake behind her as they followed the signs. Luckily for him, there was a friend for him: Alcohol. Stopping suddenly, Liberty turned to see Jake reach into his pocket.
“Here get some candy.” He offers $100 “Go buy some chocolate.”
Liberty looked at the money then she looked into Jake’s brown eyes. “I’m allergic to chocolate.”
He put the money in her hand. “Then get some pretzels.”
“But I hate pretzels…. Why is your eye twitching?”’
Sure enough Jake’s right side of his face was twitching violently. “N-n-no reason… then buy something sweet to eat.”
“Diabetes runs in my mom’s family, I don’t want to be a diabetic.” The girl had a reason for everything.
“Then do whatever! Uncle Jake needs to wet his whistle.” He turned and waited in line for beer.
Liberty shrugged her should and walked away from Jake to her movie that was down the hall. Jake Titan just allowed a ten year old girl to walk away from him in a crowded metropolitan convention center. Surely nothing bad would happen, both Leon and Child Protection Services wouldn’t say anything if she was kidnapped and he was getting a drink. As the Jake was the last man in line he looked at the burly vender in front of him.
“Vodka?” asked Jake.
He shook his head. “Sorry, we don’t have that.”
“Whiskey?”
“No, try again.”
“Scotch?”
“Keep going.”
“Beer?!”
Then the vender finally nodded his head and Jake got a large 6 ounce cup of beer. Our Anti-Hero drank the beer quickly and set down the cup. A speechless, odd moment passed then Jake cleared his throat and pointed at the cup. “Keep them coming.”
One after another, Jake drank one Rolling Rock Beer after another. Although Jake believed Rolling Rock to be one of the most disgusting beers ever created, Jake kept slamming them back. A second man walked up and joined him for beer: It was none other than Iron Man.
“What are you here?” Iron Man asked the Black Virgil.
Jake Titan chugged his 15th rolling rock and left the man a $100 for his troubles. “Gimme two more.” He looked at the pathetic Iron Man. “You look like shit.”
“Maybe because I feel like shit?”
“Oh? Your friend’s daughter drag you here too?”
“No, I just saw M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.”
Jake and the vender cringed at that very thought. How could a supposed “Fan” of Avatar: The Last Airbender make such an abomination to tributes and fandoms? The horrifying thought is this movie was supposed to have TWO sequels as well! Still, Jake had to deal with Liberty and now a piss poor Iron Man.
“Sucks ass to be you man, wouldn’t want to see that piece of shit if you paid me.” Said Jake as he drank two more rolling rocks at once.
That was rather insulting. But APW’s Original Gangsta made a damn good point. “Aren’t you Jake Titan?”
“Yea’.”
“That’s what I thought, aren’t you Leon Roberts black man servant?”
Jake gave Iron Man a disappointing look. “What dis black shit?’
“You know what I mean, man. You’re like his lackey or his man servant. You’re always doing odd jobs for him, I mean serious: What self-respecting African-Canadian-
“I’m American, I just rent in Canada.” Corrected Jake Titan.
“What self-respecting African-American dresses like Virgil from Devil May Cry?” Anyone else notice something wrong with this picture? How can a man who made an Iron Man outfit on $20 be judgmental?
Sad but true. Jake put a price on his dignity… and the price was worth it. Having gone back to wrestling and speaking mad shit on people, just because he can, has official made Jake Titan for Hire. Still it didn’t bother him too much as he wasn’t really a black man servant as he was Leon & Demonica’s bitch, which is much more accurate since he still has the right to say no.
Taking four more Rolling Rock bottles with him, Jake left a large tip for the vender as he was clearly beyond the legal limit. “I might be Leon’s bitch but at least I broke ass bitch that made his costume with $20.”
Although he was having difficulty keeping a straight line, Jake managed to stumble into the viewing room for the Devil May Cry movie. Sure enough up front, he saw Liberty Roberts, decked out with more Devil May Cry merchandise. Jake sat next to the young girl and offered her a Rolling Rock. “Beer?” he asked.
“You remember I’m ten, almost eleven right?” She looked at the beer them him.
As she declined, Jake drank two of the Rolling Rocks at once. “Oh right… remind me when yo’ eighteen.”
The lights dimmed in the room. “Why?”
“Don’t worry ‘bout that.” The room came to a complete quiet as the hero of Devil May Cry, Dante began to speak.
Normally Dante has a deeper voice but it’s still youthful and arrogant. This one however had a thick French accent. Jake raised an eye brow towards Liberty. This was also new to her; all she could do is start shrugging her shoulders. As Jake leaned his head back to drink another bottle, he looked to see something he dreaded more than ANYTHING in world. Something that was so horrible to him and many other people, they would rather get stuck in a fight between the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and the Neo Nazis or even get stuck in middle of the Hells Angels and the Mongols.
That’s right. It was ANOTHER Uwe Boll movie. Of all people, why did Uwe Boll have to direct another video game movie? Like Jake, several other men spat beer at the screen and tossed debris at the screen. The movie continued playing, Jake continued to drink heavier. Not even five minutes into the movie, Liberty snatched one of Jake’s beers and started to drink. But almost instantly the girl spat the beer all over screen.
“What the fuck is this shit?!” The ten year old daughter of his tag team partner asked as she held the beer away.
Jake grabbed the beer and started drinking. “A shitty beer for a shitty time, I don’t know why but I had just had dis feelin’. Ya fe-“ Jake suddenly remembered she’s still a minor. “Know what I mean?”
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a pill bottle and swallowed the last three pills he had. “Gotta get more roofies…” Jake dropped his beer and passed out.
A few hours later Jake woke up screaming as hot coffee was thrown in his face. He tasted the coffee and smiled up at Liberty. “How’d ya know I like Honey Roasted?”
“That movie was fucking shit! Why did you let me see that?!” The little female Dante demanded to know.
Jake shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, your dad told me to take you. I was supposed to train today for my match with Johnny Knocksville and Bucksoon Grouch.”
Liberty tilted her head, obviously confused at Jakes statement. “I thought daddy said it was Tommy Knocksville and Buckson Gooch?”
“Oh yeah, I whooped Tommy Knocksville’s ass last week. Did that dip shit find someone to back his punk ass up?” Jake got up and fixed his wig.
Liberty looked up at Jake and punched him straight in his balls. Screaming in agony, Jake fell and hit the floor hard. “That’s for letting me watch that horror.”
“I DID NOT KNOW!” He yelled out. After a few minutes Jake got back up on his feet. “So I heard he found someone out from the middle of the boonies. Hey that’s good he’s trying something new instead of staying in his redneck, bible thumping, backwoods, cousin lovin-“
“You know I’ve already said ‘fuck’ several times in front of you, right?” Liberty tapped her foot impatiently.
“What ever! Just because you can swear all you want doesn’t mean I give half a horse’s ass.” Jake face palms Liberty, MUCH to the little ladies discontent. “I’m glad that the Rural McGyver can feel me, I’ve dug myself out of a lot of holes. But that’s all we got in common. As for Tommy Knocksville, The Natural Born Killaz beat his punk white ass before and we’ll do it again.
“Now I gotta beat this dead horse again. Maybe this time I’ll make some glue. That could always be a howl or two. But after we beat that Jackass Tommy Knocksville and Buckson Gooch, we’ll be one step closer to Rasslemania and winning those Tag Team Championships. I just gotta know though, those guys might be rising stars but the Tag Team Division is NOT for them. They need to stay with what they know, and that’s not being in the Killaz way.” Jake struck a pose, putting a foot up on a chair.
End of Promo
Sorry if this seems rushed and bad, I had a lot of stuff on my plate this week.
Still one thing was on his mind, how did he get volunteered for this? Why would APW’s Gangsta take a man’s daughter, who is dressed like Dante from Devil May Cry to a Magic: The Gathering Regional level tournament? Then something went off in his mind. At the time he wasn’t really paying much attention but he remembered his conversation with her father.
Leon Roberts stopped by Jake’s place, the walls were rather dirty, carpets never vacuumed, garbage not taken out in a week, glass beer bottles lined the floor and Jake was where he always was when he was at home: Watching his lava lamp. The Canadian Devil sat down next to Jake and nudged him.
“Give me everything in your pockets?” An odd request, surely there had to be reason.
Jake reached into his pockets and pulled $5.37, Canadian, and put it in Leon’s hand. “What’d I just buy?”
“The right to take Liberty to Montreal for a Magic: The Gathering Tournament that has a Devil May Cry movie preview and I’m just too busy to take Liberty, so you’re going to Quebec.” Then Jake’s tag partner poured the contents of a can over Jakes head.
The Original Gangsta lies there, licking his face and tasting the beer. After the first can was poured out, Leon stood over Jake and unzipped his pants. “Wake up or I’ll wake you up.”
Jake groaned loudly and sat up as Leon locked up the hound or as Jake called it “Canada’s Littlest Joke.” Waking up usually took Jake three hours but having beer poured on you followed by the threat of Yellow Discipline was more than enough to get any man moving. “Dis for da rent I owe?”
“No, you’re doing me a favor… oh and tell me what this movie is like.” Leon showed him the case of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender and put it in his portable DVD player.
Leon nodded his head and threw a bag at him. Now we return to today as Jake leaves the bathroom dressed as Virgil from Devil May Cry. This was BEYOND humiliating. First Jake is forced to become Leon’s babysitter, now he’s become Liberty’s bitch and was forced to dress as a character from a game for a system he doesn’t even own!
“Your old man is dead.” Jake grumbled under his voice.
Liberty was very excited; he’s never seen the girl act like this before. She grabbed his hand and pulled the foot dragging Jake behind her as they followed the signs. Luckily for him, there was a friend for him: Alcohol. Stopping suddenly, Liberty turned to see Jake reach into his pocket.
“Here get some candy.” He offers $100 “Go buy some chocolate.”
Liberty looked at the money then she looked into Jake’s brown eyes. “I’m allergic to chocolate.”
He put the money in her hand. “Then get some pretzels.”
“But I hate pretzels…. Why is your eye twitching?”’
Sure enough Jake’s right side of his face was twitching violently. “N-n-no reason… then buy something sweet to eat.”
“Diabetes runs in my mom’s family, I don’t want to be a diabetic.” The girl had a reason for everything.
“Then do whatever! Uncle Jake needs to wet his whistle.” He turned and waited in line for beer.
Liberty shrugged her should and walked away from Jake to her movie that was down the hall. Jake Titan just allowed a ten year old girl to walk away from him in a crowded metropolitan convention center. Surely nothing bad would happen, both Leon and Child Protection Services wouldn’t say anything if she was kidnapped and he was getting a drink. As the Jake was the last man in line he looked at the burly vender in front of him.
“Vodka?” asked Jake.
He shook his head. “Sorry, we don’t have that.”
“Whiskey?”
“No, try again.”
“Scotch?”
“Keep going.”
“Beer?!”
Then the vender finally nodded his head and Jake got a large 6 ounce cup of beer. Our Anti-Hero drank the beer quickly and set down the cup. A speechless, odd moment passed then Jake cleared his throat and pointed at the cup. “Keep them coming.”
One after another, Jake drank one Rolling Rock Beer after another. Although Jake believed Rolling Rock to be one of the most disgusting beers ever created, Jake kept slamming them back. A second man walked up and joined him for beer: It was none other than Iron Man.
“What are you here?” Iron Man asked the Black Virgil.
Jake Titan chugged his 15th rolling rock and left the man a $100 for his troubles. “Gimme two more.” He looked at the pathetic Iron Man. “You look like shit.”
“Maybe because I feel like shit?”
“Oh? Your friend’s daughter drag you here too?”
“No, I just saw M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.”
Jake and the vender cringed at that very thought. How could a supposed “Fan” of Avatar: The Last Airbender make such an abomination to tributes and fandoms? The horrifying thought is this movie was supposed to have TWO sequels as well! Still, Jake had to deal with Liberty and now a piss poor Iron Man.
“Sucks ass to be you man, wouldn’t want to see that piece of shit if you paid me.” Said Jake as he drank two more rolling rocks at once.
That was rather insulting. But APW’s Original Gangsta made a damn good point. “Aren’t you Jake Titan?”
“Yea’.”
“That’s what I thought, aren’t you Leon Roberts black man servant?”
Jake gave Iron Man a disappointing look. “What dis black shit?’
“You know what I mean, man. You’re like his lackey or his man servant. You’re always doing odd jobs for him, I mean serious: What self-respecting African-Canadian-
“I’m American, I just rent in Canada.” Corrected Jake Titan.
“What self-respecting African-American dresses like Virgil from Devil May Cry?” Anyone else notice something wrong with this picture? How can a man who made an Iron Man outfit on $20 be judgmental?
Sad but true. Jake put a price on his dignity… and the price was worth it. Having gone back to wrestling and speaking mad shit on people, just because he can, has official made Jake Titan for Hire. Still it didn’t bother him too much as he wasn’t really a black man servant as he was Leon & Demonica’s bitch, which is much more accurate since he still has the right to say no.
Taking four more Rolling Rock bottles with him, Jake left a large tip for the vender as he was clearly beyond the legal limit. “I might be Leon’s bitch but at least I broke ass bitch that made his costume with $20.”
Although he was having difficulty keeping a straight line, Jake managed to stumble into the viewing room for the Devil May Cry movie. Sure enough up front, he saw Liberty Roberts, decked out with more Devil May Cry merchandise. Jake sat next to the young girl and offered her a Rolling Rock. “Beer?” he asked.
“You remember I’m ten, almost eleven right?” She looked at the beer them him.
As she declined, Jake drank two of the Rolling Rocks at once. “Oh right… remind me when yo’ eighteen.”
The lights dimmed in the room. “Why?”
“Don’t worry ‘bout that.” The room came to a complete quiet as the hero of Devil May Cry, Dante began to speak.
Normally Dante has a deeper voice but it’s still youthful and arrogant. This one however had a thick French accent. Jake raised an eye brow towards Liberty. This was also new to her; all she could do is start shrugging her shoulders. As Jake leaned his head back to drink another bottle, he looked to see something he dreaded more than ANYTHING in world. Something that was so horrible to him and many other people, they would rather get stuck in a fight between the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and the Neo Nazis or even get stuck in middle of the Hells Angels and the Mongols.
That’s right. It was ANOTHER Uwe Boll movie. Of all people, why did Uwe Boll have to direct another video game movie? Like Jake, several other men spat beer at the screen and tossed debris at the screen. The movie continued playing, Jake continued to drink heavier. Not even five minutes into the movie, Liberty snatched one of Jake’s beers and started to drink. But almost instantly the girl spat the beer all over screen.
“What the fuck is this shit?!” The ten year old daughter of his tag team partner asked as she held the beer away.
Jake grabbed the beer and started drinking. “A shitty beer for a shitty time, I don’t know why but I had just had dis feelin’. Ya fe-“ Jake suddenly remembered she’s still a minor. “Know what I mean?”
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a pill bottle and swallowed the last three pills he had. “Gotta get more roofies…” Jake dropped his beer and passed out.
A few hours later Jake woke up screaming as hot coffee was thrown in his face. He tasted the coffee and smiled up at Liberty. “How’d ya know I like Honey Roasted?”
“That movie was fucking shit! Why did you let me see that?!” The little female Dante demanded to know.
Jake shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, your dad told me to take you. I was supposed to train today for my match with Johnny Knocksville and Bucksoon Grouch.”
Liberty tilted her head, obviously confused at Jakes statement. “I thought daddy said it was Tommy Knocksville and Buckson Gooch?”
“Oh yeah, I whooped Tommy Knocksville’s ass last week. Did that dip shit find someone to back his punk ass up?” Jake got up and fixed his wig.
Liberty looked up at Jake and punched him straight in his balls. Screaming in agony, Jake fell and hit the floor hard. “That’s for letting me watch that horror.”
“I DID NOT KNOW!” He yelled out. After a few minutes Jake got back up on his feet. “So I heard he found someone out from the middle of the boonies. Hey that’s good he’s trying something new instead of staying in his redneck, bible thumping, backwoods, cousin lovin-“
“You know I’ve already said ‘fuck’ several times in front of you, right?” Liberty tapped her foot impatiently.
“What ever! Just because you can swear all you want doesn’t mean I give half a horse’s ass.” Jake face palms Liberty, MUCH to the little ladies discontent. “I’m glad that the Rural McGyver can feel me, I’ve dug myself out of a lot of holes. But that’s all we got in common. As for Tommy Knocksville, The Natural Born Killaz beat his punk white ass before and we’ll do it again.
“Now I gotta beat this dead horse again. Maybe this time I’ll make some glue. That could always be a howl or two. But after we beat that Jackass Tommy Knocksville and Buckson Gooch, we’ll be one step closer to Rasslemania and winning those Tag Team Championships. I just gotta know though, those guys might be rising stars but the Tag Team Division is NOT for them. They need to stay with what they know, and that’s not being in the Killaz way.” Jake struck a pose, putting a foot up on a chair.
End of Promo
Sorry if this seems rushed and bad, I had a lot of stuff on my plate this week.
