Can I get feedback on two pieces?
first, my RP from SnC,
apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=sc2013&action=display&thread=15980 I ask because you were the one to tell me to connect everything together and I think this was the first one that I was able to do it completely.
then, if you can, my ViW RP.
w11.zetaboards.com/Visionary_Wrestling/topic/8475129/1/#newi'm pretty down on it myself, I feel like I left a bit of a good story out. But what I'm looking for is if my plan to make a coherent piece worked. I came up with the idea of a doing a timeline type thing between me and gooch's pieces to make it a better team effort.
Thanks Kurt you're the best.
Also, Haha you have no friends!
It's ok, I don't either!
YAY! WE'RE BOTH LONELY
shit....I'm pathetic.
bye
"Foundations of a Pillar" Critique
The title's a nice thematic attention grabber.
One suggestion I have for the opening paragraph is to cut down on redundancy when possible. Phrases like:
- "like a hotel room, a very large, spacious hotel room."
- "into the bedroom part of the room"
Just, when you're reading, think: Am I repeating this detail or phrase too much? It's like me saying Noble smirks every third sentence, ha.
The conversation between Raj/TJ definitely had a focused, while still conversational feeling; I think I've made the point before that certain conversations jumped around too frequently, so I find this to be a much more effective flow.
I really, really like the line about "They were the Pillars before the Pillars were a thought..." It's a great way to mix character development with the wrestling portion of your character.
If you're referencing what someone has said about you, I would suggest:
- Providing more context: Act as if I haven't read the RP of the person you're against.
- Outright quote them (which can be very effective if you want to directly attack their ideas; I would just avoid doing an entire RP like this).
It'll cut-down on the time the reader has to spend thinking "I wonder what he's talking about."
However, speaking of contextualizing: You give a very vivid, seemingly candid of the layout of Asylum. You don't just namedrop; the way you descriptive the roster gives me an affective look at the "role" everyone plays. This is enhanced when you describe how WDW moved up. I think your conversational feeling with TJ definitely attributes to this.
As an aspiring teacher, I like the SAT line.
Overall, it was a really effective piece; I felt like it was a definite right step in terms of mixing together character development and match-talk. The argument could be made that the opening conversation didn't do much to accent the monologue, but I would disagree with that: You set up the theme, small bits of continuity, and most importantly, the idea of family: I felt like that was the most effective point made in this RP.
I think this is the most engaging piece I've read from you so far, do definitely keep up the great work!
VIW RP Critique:
The opening bit was effective enough; it was certainly humorous, which will help grab judge's attention. I like the friend's interpretation of Gooch; gives the whole interaction a sense of purpose, and set the rest of the piece well.
The next little bit continues with the humor; I actually think the juxtaposition here with TJ and setting. I get the sense I'll see more of it when TJ and Gooch actually come face to face, ha.
How do you think you can vary up sentence structure a bit more? A lot of sentences start with "TJ (verb) etc.." I struggle with this pretty frequently, so my advice would be to switch up verbage and nounage occasionally. Like...
"Seeing no one in sight, TJ..."
It's simple, but adds a bit of variety. Any writing teacher might tell you this is ineffective...but I disagree, ha.
Ha, Arkansas isn't gonna be too warm this time of year!
Southern Belle only has one line; she then apparently turns into Southern Man. I don't know if that was a narrative mistake, or if I just read that section wrong.
Nice bit of characterization to show Gooch's family, and TJ's interaction with them. The interactions seem genuine, especially when discussing the city life. My only real disappointment with this section is that it focuses so much on the contrast between city and country life, that the overall connection to Gooch/TJ gets a bit lost. You do connect it a bit more in the ending monologue though, so it's good.
Overall, a pretty solid piece; I think you found a definitely relateable theme as far as picking your tag team partner. I think there were a few missed opportunities as far as really making this seem like a "tag team RP," but it carries your usual TJ seal of quality. It's characteristic, conversational, and carried a message that's engaging. Those are your best strengths as a writer, and they came out here. Good job bud!
TJ is one of my favs here in APW, really pumped to be teaming with him.
