Robina Hood Feedback: 006

[B.A. Styles]

So what do you lot think? I know it ain't as good as previous ones, but my shitty time management skills kicked my ass. >_<

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“Here we are again…where it all began.”

Those words were spoken out as the scene began to fade into existence. The location of this promo is none other than a forest so thick with trees that the only light coming in are from the few gaps in the branches leaves above. The specific tree that the camera could see the most of, seems to be some oak tree that look pretty old compared to all the other trees. Sitting on the grassy floor, with her back against that very tree, is the Meltdown’s resident forest-dweller known as Robina Hood. Just six mere days ago the purple haired dynamo made an emphatic upset when she defeated Warren Peace, who happens to be the number one contender for the North American Championship, by pinfall. Yes the special guest referee, the North American Champion Young Mannie, provided a momentary distraction and Miss Hood did use a pair of brass knuckles…but in the end she holds a pinfall victory over Warren Peace, making herself two to nil against him if you count the six person tag team match back at Survive and Conquer, and clearly this will give her a heap of confidence heading to her match tomorrow night.

And what a match it will be…not a traditional wrestling match but a street fight against, out of all people, her archenemy Niobe Martin. Even though the Brit has only been at APW since the start of year…during the past two months these two women have been embroiled with a rivalry so violent that, even though it wouldn’t be classed as feud of the year, it is at least in the top twenty. But tomorrow night it appears to be where it all ends so clearly this would be classed as a main event calibre match, let alone the perfect way to gather a mass amount of viewers for this edition of Meltdown. Currently Robina is wearing a Lincoln green tunic, similar to the one that Robin Hood is said to wear in the legend about him, as she was smiling devilishly towards the camera recording her.

“Well it ain’t exactly where it all began since I’m sure our first confrontation didn’t take place in the god-awful city of Quebec…but at least we’re going to have, what is built up to be, our last confrontation in the very country where it all began, Canada. And since the theme of our match is the conclusion of our rivalry, I couldn’t think of a better place to shoot this promo than in the same forest that I shot my very first promo in. Memories are such great things, aren’t they? On the first Meltdown of this year I debuted by cracking your face open with a steel chair, as well as nearly breaking your right elbow, and the following week I used a steel chair again to record my second victory over you. You cost me a shot at the North American Title while injuring my right knee in the process. Then my team successfully defeated yours at Survive and Conquer…only for you to knock me unconscious in front of your hometown and then, on the following episode of Meltdown, you recorded a tag team victory over me simply because my partners were goofballs, so much so that I actually walked out on those losers. But all of that…two months of hatred, animosity and carnage…the story of our feud will finally come to an end in the very country where it all began.”

The young Englishwoman sounded somewhat sinister in her words as she spoke of the history between these two rivals. Moments after finishing those words the eighteen year old slowly moved herself up to her feet. After she got up to her feet Miss Hood began to take her steps forward, passing the guy holding the camera as she began to speak up once more.

“No disqualifications, no count-outs and no blood stoppage…a street fight, do you know what this street fight specifically means Niobe? It basically means that I have the right to do whatever I want to you without any regret or consequence. Be it ripping your blonde hair out strand by strand, busting your pretty little open again…or even successfully BREAKING YOUR ARM! Oh, sorry, I guess I still have some frustration felt in me *giggle* but what a perfect way to clear out some of that vexation by simply destroying the person who practically made me who I am today…don’t wash your ears Niobe for you did just hear me right, I am admitting that without you there would never be a me. We’re just like The Joker and Batman, there isn’t one without the other…and while I’m being honest let me tell you something that you can note down as the compliment of the year. You have, by far, the most strongest revolve out of everyone I’ve seen, faced and idolised. In my very first promo I’ve said that you’ll die as a nobody but now I’ll take my words back as you keep bouncing back no matter whatever I’ve done to you. Heh, part of me actually wants to respect you Niobe…”

While talking onwards Robina lead the cameraman past a few more trees, her words cold while the tone she used to say them was colder. But it was very surprising when the purple haired megastar actually admitted that her rival is more than a nobody and the cameraman was even more surprised when Robina admitted that she ‘wants to respect’ Niobe…that was until the young Brit froze to the spot, why would she did so? This question was quickly answered as Robina slowly turned around, giving a mighty freezing glare to the innocent cameraman, clutched onto both of the operator’s shoulders and pulled him close to her to harshly whisper out a few words.

“But I hate you too much with every fibre of my being.”

Once she finished her whisper Robina shoved the camera operator, causing him fall backwards onto the floor, and approached him in quite a creepy manner before continuing to speak.

“I hate you Niobe Martin, I hate EVERYTHING about you…I hate your blonde hair, I hate that shit-hole you call a hometown, I hate your ‘Nightmare’ moniker, I just simply hate you. Maybe in another life we could be the very best of friends but in this street fight I am personally going to put an end to what I started. You are no longer a nobody Niobe…you are truly Niobe ‘Nightmare’ Martin but you are my nemesis and, tomorrow night, I’m going to defeat you for a final time to end this saga.”

The way she said those words sounded a little dark but the female’s mind seem to have drifted away a little at the end of her words. Moments after finishing her words Robina simply turned her back towards the cowering cameraman and wasted no time in sprinting into the forest. The moment the cameraman blinked…she was gone, nowhere to be seen, so he quickly got up to his feet and switched off the camera before beginning his search for an exit from this damned forest.

[Jules]

I owe you feedback. I haven't forgotten, I just haven't had any time to fulfill my feedback promises of late, but I will get around to giving you substantial feedback. I have a day off on Wednesday, so I'll try to give you priority then.

(As well as Kevin Dahlia, who I believe had met the conditions of a deal I proposed a few weeks ago.)

[Jules]

Very good scene setting, lots of detail, gives a clear picture to the reader. Admittedly, this kind of details scene setting isn't my thing with a word limit, but each to his/her own. What is important is that you are good at giving a mental picture for the readers who like that.

I liked that this RP is taking place in the woods. I had always wondered what the 'Robin Hood' gimmick was and how it works in a wrestling context. Some of your other RPs seemed to miss this out, at least its given a nod here.

You do a good job of building up and hyping this week's match in the second paragraph of narrative.

This theme is continued in the first paragraph of speech by RH. It's a good paragraph in that if there is a reader who hasn't been following this feud, they are instantly updated and drawn into the reasons and motivations behind the street fight. It is a bit of summary, but its supplying the context and tone for the promo and the match.

One thing I notice in your RPs is that you break up the speech with chunks of narrative that often explain things that do not need explaining. For example:

The young Englishwoman sounded somewhat sinister in her words as she spoke of the history between these two rivals.

I can work this out myself simply from the speech itself. You want to avoid 'telling' the reader stuff like this, and instead show it to them. I read once this great piece of feedback Kurt gave to someone over at Visionary. He said you should try to 'show' through physicality. So in this instance, rather than telling me Robina said the words with a sinister tone, show it through an action performed by her. Maybe as she spoke her lips curled and her eyes narrowed, maybe she was visibly shaken or twitches at the memory, and/or clenches a fist. Any sort of mannerism that displays aggression and hostility could have shown the reader this, rather than them being told. You have to assume your readers are intelligent and can work it out for themselves.

Very strong second speech paragraph that 'shows' me RH's anger, and you do a good job of selling Niobe here without being gushing and over-praising.

Be mindful of the fourth wall. This may be a personal preference, but I'm not a big fan of referring to the cameraman as a character in the RP. If it's been written as a broadcast promo, then leave the cameraman unseen as you would in an actual promo. The camera can be a reference point, since it is the connection between audience and wrestler, but when I'm told to picture the cameraman in the promo itself, I ask 'well, who's shooting the wrestler grabbing the cameraman?' Like I said, maybe it's just me but I don't like breaking the fourth wall like this unless there is a good reason to do so. You can convey the same impression when Robina grabs the cameraman, without actually involving him as a prop.

The RP cuts off a bit abruptly, but I think you explained why.

Overall, I think your promo style is good, and I think over the weeks the voice of Robina has developed quite nicely, and given the personal context of this feud this promo hit the spot well, if maybe a little underdeveloped.

Where you can look to improve:
- Look at developing the Robina character. You have 3000 words on Meltdown, I think a 1k CD/2k promo balance is acceptable. Your promo is always about your match so it is the important bit, but you can develop the character a lot, give it depth, by including some of your RP as CD. It doesn't have to be something irrelevant to wrestling, but an aspect of your RPs that compliment the wrestling story of Robina Hood, but gives the reader a deeper understanding of what type of person she is, what are her goals and motivations etc.

I will recommend two writers for you: Kurt Noble and AJP. They both tell great stories about their wrestlers and wrestlers. Not saying you have to be like them, but if you're interested in this direction look at this pair.

- Try to incorporate the Robin Hood gimmick where you can; how does this inspiration inform the character's choices and motivations?

-Get the telling/showing balance right. Try to include more physicality to convey the moods and emotions of the characters and what they are saying, rather than simply having the narrator tell the reader.

- Your RPs consist mostly of speech with big blocks of narrative. Maybe you do this to break it up, no problem there because we all have a formula, and some people may say the block promo (as I write) needs work. But I want you to think about what the block narrative is doing - is it just there to break up Robina's speech? If it is, then think about how you can use it to add something substantial to the roleplays, rather than giving a trigger to the reader that its time to take a mental pause.

I like the character (as a wrestler), I like the way you promo, and I think you're doing a really good job on Meltdown. With a few touches here and there you will be on to a real winner.