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Post by President Jeff on Mar 17, 2013 7:59:37 GMT -4
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Post by Jason Cashe on Mar 17, 2013 14:42:18 GMT -4
I think it's awesome to see Jeff put in Rp work. Put a smile to my face that is still stretched out as I write this. To think at once you were a regular joe in some efed is crazy cause you've established yourself so well as an Owner and stayed away from doing both and that's always a good thing. I'll give this a full review sometime today though, just wanted to say I'm excited that you've posted and will be joyful as I read through it.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Mar 17, 2013 14:59:50 GMT -4
As soon as I'm done my RP, I'll give it the old go at reviewing it
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Post by Reaver on Mar 21, 2013 13:11:14 GMT -4
seriously? nobody? i will send u love jeff, i just wanna make sure i got my rp's out.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Mar 21, 2013 13:20:32 GMT -4
I've been a bit more busy than I have anticipated. I'll give mine before the podcast tomorrow, promise.
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Post by Jules on Mar 21, 2013 17:34:11 GMT -4
seriously? nobody? i will send u love jeff, i just wanna make sure i got my rp's out. Give peeps time Knux. It's Rasslemania week, we all got shit to do. Anyway, I should be done with my second RP, plan on giving Rumble feedback tomo, so will try and fit this in too. |
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Post by Jules on Mar 22, 2013 8:52:45 GMT -4
The RP is well-structured, using the 3-part format of reflective inner-monologue, dialogue scene, promo monologue that works well in e-fedding.
The first part does a good of selling the event, the history of Jeff and Rasslemania, and setting up the Raab v Jeff match. I've got my real problem here, it's achieving what it sets out to do.
If this was written by a regular member of the roster seeking feedback to improve, these would be my comments about your second section, the dialogue between Jeff and Matt.
First of all the set-up is a bit too contrived. If Matt was in town, surely he would've called Jeff to let him know this. Overall, the dialogue does a good job of selling that Jeff is ring-rusty and why, that he's taking it seriously against Raab so he's trying get back into some sort of shape.
However, I'd like to have seen this dialogue again but with a bit more substance. For me, Matt's role here should be to really probe Jeff about the match, use him to try and bring out the emotions Jeff has about it. I know some of this will come in the promo, so if you don't want to give too much of that away (or avoid repeating yourself), maybe this scene could show us something instead, like how Raab's constant jibing is affecting Jeff's day to day life, or the way he carries out his work.
What I'm getting at is this dialogue doesn't really add much to the RP beyond telling us Jeff is trying to get into shape, and has a touch of filler about it.
The promo. This is the real strength of the RP. You get us right into the mind of Jeff, and we get a sense of how incredulous Jeff is about Raab's campaign, as well as the determination Jeff has to be Raab.
There's some good logic to counteract much of Raab's accusations against Jeff, e.g. Jeff pointing out Raab did nothing when they finally came face to face at ONIH. This is done also by attention to facts, not by outright burying Raab, so that's good.
I like the pragmatism Jeff has, at no point does the promo became a rant or a ramble. Jeff reflects that Raab could beat him and points out that it will be a hollow victory for Raab, whereas a loss could leave him nowhere. That's a good bit of perspective (although I'm sure Raab would twist hat somehow, lol).
I like the closing paragraph, classical wrestling promo feel with a nice corny catchphrase.
Good job.
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Post by President Jeff on Mar 22, 2013 15:39:17 GMT -4
Thanks for the feedback Jules. However First of all the set-up is a bit too contrived. If Matt was in town, surely he would've called Jeff to let him know this. Knowing Dr. Matt in real life, He never would have called me ;D |
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Mar 26, 2013 13:27:14 GMT -4
A very solid RP jefe. This is a weird feedback because you're not concerned with getting better, but rather, if you still have it. So I had to go back and read your last one, from RM7. Comparing the two, the answer is yes, you do. I preferred this years RP to that one. They both started out the same, recapping the history of Rasslemania, but this year's is more focused on the whole event. The second scene with Matt, to me, is lacking. It's missing something to me, there wasn't this grasp that these two are as good friends as they should seem. That said, the prologue builds this interaction because you talked about the event as a whole, taking a look back at the history of RM. I think a more centralized target of this scene would have improved it. I think either talking about Stefan or talking about RM and APW would have been a bit better for this scene. Then again, you're not looking for feedback, you're looking for if you have it. Compared to RM7, there was no scene like this. I enjoyed the promo talk. I think you did a good job of selling Raab and your problem with Raab without disregarding him as a threat. There's nothing that stood out as needing an improvement. You said why you accepted his challenge and it works. Compared to the last RP, this was shorter, more concise and didn't lag at points. You made it a point that you really don't have a dog in the fight really, you are just giving Stefan what he wanted, but even more than that. Yes, you still have it, just stay in the office, we got enough solid RPers  Seriously, it was a good, solid RP. |
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Post by President Jeff on Mar 26, 2013 17:27:26 GMT -4
The whole Dr. Matt scene was just something I threw together to bump up my word count. I dunno how the hell you guys pull out 3/4 thousand words every week
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Post by Reaver on Mar 26, 2013 17:30:10 GMT -4
cuz thats wat u want us to do boss |
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Post by Reaver on Mar 27, 2013 18:44:21 GMT -4
FINALLY!!! here it is... u sold the venue and card which is a HUGE plus 'round these here parts and even a canada reference although i was dissappointed not to hear an "eh" a few times u also sold the past history of guys who came back for the present. it fits. and who doesnt love a good jab? take that u german poser lol i will say tho that ive noticed some spelling errors but thats me bein picky. i also noticed u calling Raabs name out alot which in my opinion tends to get irritating. u could just as easily say the sentence with out it and it would have been fine. again, being picky. u also say "and" alot which makes everything sound like a run on sentence. i no im being a prick at the moment but its small things like that, that really turn the reader off. (kinda like me and my text speak ). if theyre turned off then they wont be as interested and just say blah....(plz dont fire me ) its a very solid piece as everybody else said. u sold the concepts that needed to be sold and it was easy to follow. if i knew nothing else about wat was going on, this explained it all which is a good thing. yes, u still have it  |
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Seriously, it was a good, solid RP.
