Post by biggs on Mar 22, 2013 20:19:23 GMT -4
Saturday, March 2
Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, Washington
The Washington State Convention Center is abuzz thanks the annual Emerald City Comic Con, a convention I make sure to never miss. It’s not nearly as big as the one in San Diego, nor are there ever any huge reveals by any of the big comic companies, but it’s in my home town, and it’s always a good time. Seeing all the cool costumes, perusing the merchants’ tables, and getting to take part in exclusive play tests, it just rocks. I’ve already seen about three dozen different Doctor Who costumes, not including the one I’m wearing myself!
I’m attending with my two good friends, “Sr. Guapo” Armando Asante and “Stunning” Stan Everdeen. Stan is dressed in a Batman T-Shirt and blue jeans, while Sr. Guapo is wearing a costume he created himself. It’s sea green with yellow trunks and a big yellow A on the chest. He calls himself “Sr. Asombroso,” or Mr. Amazing in English, yet it looks like he’s inadvertently made himself an Ace costume, of the Ambiguously Gay Duo. He’s gotten a ton of compliments about it, as well as a few snickers, yet Stan and I haven’t had the heart to tell him why he’s getting so much attention.
And yet despite the fact that we’re having a bit of fun at Armando’s expense, today may potentially mark the first time I’ve had a negative experience at the Con, thanks to the fact that my friends, have signed me up for Sci-Fi Speed Dating, without my knowledge. Granted, they signed themselves up too, but still, I’ve never been a fan of the whole speed dating thing. Heck, I haven’t been too big on dating either, as I’ve only ever been on a date with one woman, that being my ex-wife, Ellie.
”I can’t believe you guys signed me up for this. This is probably one of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever done, and considering all the hair-brained things you two have done, that’s saying something!”
”So you’re saying it’s ridiculous that we want to help our amigo find himself a sexy lady? Listen, Biggs, we’ve seen how lonely you’ve been, how sad you’ve been since Ellie left you last August. You haven’t even been on uno date, UNO DATE, since then!” Sr. Guapo exclaims, the veins in his neck bulging a bit with how intense he is. He’s absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that I’ve gone since last August without a female companion. Not to say that Ellie was just a companion. She was my soul mate.
”Well, maybe it’s because I haven’t met anyone that I would consider going on a date with yet…”
”But you haven’t even looked, man! It’s been six months, man, you gotta move on.”
I hear what Stan is saying, but in my heart, I know I’m not ready to move on. I know that there’s no chance that Ellie and I could get back together, not after what happened between us. But even though I know it was my own darn fault that she left me, I’m still not ready to move on, and I know it.
”I don’t know, Stan. I don’t think I’m ready. In fact, I know I’m not…”
”C’mon, man, just give it a try. You might be surprised.”
Stan gives me a pat on the back, while Sr. Guapo points to the door.
”It’s starting, it’s starting! We got to go in now!”
”Fine, fine, fine. I’ll do it. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen…”
”You could fall in love!” Stan says with a sly grin.
”I highly doubt that…”
We rush into the room, where there’s to circles of chairs set up, facing each other, one inside the other. A quick scan of the room shows that there are twice as many men as women, and not to brag, but Stan, Armando, and I are easily the most physically attractive men in the room. Not that I care, because I’m just here to appease my friends, but I look to both of them, seeing Armando practically salivating at his chances, while Stan just pats me on the back.
”You know what, guys, I don’t think I’m needed here. I mean, look at all disparity in the numbers of men and women. I don’t want to be responsible for some other guy not having a chance at some nerdy girl action…”
I begin to make my way towards the door, but Sr. Guapo grabs me by the collar of my tweed jacket, preventing me from leaving.
”Oh no, mi amigo! You’re not getting out of this!”
There’s a portly fellow in an ill-fitting Star Trek costume, a red shirt no less, in the middle of the room, explaining the rules of Sci-Fi Speed Dating. I’m hardly paying attention, because quite frankly, I don’t want to be here right now. I do manage to catch that since there’s twice as many men as women, no surprise considering the desperation of this kind of crowd, that each man will take a break every two minutes. There’s some re-arranging of the chairs, and before long, we’re directed to take our seats, men on the outside, women on the inside. After every two minutes, the women will rotate to their next date. Thankfully, I get the first two minutes off, while Armando and Stan flank me on either side, each of them chatting up the respective women across from them. I can’t help but pick up the constant snickers and declarations of how brave Sr. Guapo is for wearing his costume, and chuckle to myself at how blissfully ignorant he is of it all.
As the event carries on, I meet a ton of gals, but none of them really have that great of an impression on me. In general, they’re all nice enough people, but none of them seem like people I’d like to pursue a friendship with, let alone a romantic relationship. There’s one gal in particular, who was perhaps just a bit too pudgy to be wearing the slave Leia costume she’s clad in, who stood out, but only because of how rude she is.
”So what do you do for a living?” I ask, trying to be polite.
”I work at as a janitor at the mall. You?” she replies with a snort.
”Well, I’m a professional wrestler, for Action Packed Wrestling. I actually have a big match at the end of this month…”
”YAWN! That’s stuffs fake, y’know! You can tell that you guys don’t really hit each other!”
”I can assure you that it’s hardly fake. We’re specially trained athletes…”
”Who have been taught how to fall! It’s so fake!”
By this point, I’m seething, but thankfully, her time is up, and she rotates over to Armando. The torture continues for about another half-an-hour until a short gal sits in front of me. She can’t be any taller than 5 foot 2, and she has mid-length dark brown hair surrounding her almost cherub-like face. She’s clad in a red dress, with black boots and a black belt. She has a Dalek plush in her right hand. I immediately recognize that she’s dressed as The Doctor’s current companion.
”Clara Oswin Oswald! What a brilliant costume! The Dalek is a great touch.”
She blushes a bit as she responds, ”Thank you. I must also compliment you on your Doctor costume. It’s probably the best I’ve seen all day, except for the hair. Your hair’s a bit too long.”
”Fair enough. I had a fez on earlier to try and hide it, but the darn thing just wouldn’t stay on.”
”Fezzes are cool,” she responds without missing a beat. ”My real name is Alice, by the way. What’s your name, Doctor?”
”Biggs, my name is Biggs. Oh sorry, that’s my ring name, it-it’s actually Gary.” I stammer a bit at my mistake.
”Ring name? Are you a fighter of some sort?” she asks inquisitively.
”Well yeah, I’m a professional wrestler. I wrestle for Action Packed Wrestling, one of the top feds in the world…”
”My brother watches that. I think I’ve seen you on the telly a time or two. Still, if you’re a big time wrestler, what are you doing here at Sci-Fi Speed Dating? I’d imagine a person who’s famous like you wouldn’t have any problem meeting people…”
”To tell you the truth, Alice, I’m just here because my friends signed me up. I went through a divorce about half a year ago, and quite frankly, I’m not ready to move on. I’m just here to support them.”
The look on Alice’s face tells me she knows exactly what I’m going through. At first, she has a pensive look on her face, but then, she kind of smirks, and leans in closer to whisper to me, ”Me too. My friends say that I need to move on, that Brian’s in my past, and that I need to start looking again, but I’m just not there yet.” She leans back up and talks at a normal volume. ”You know, it’s so refreshing to meet somebody as bluntly honest as you’ve been. Everyone else here is just obsessed with the fact that I happen to be a woman that’s also a geek, but for some reason, I’m getting a different vibe from you.”
”Well, it probably has to do with the fact that we’re probably the only two people in this room not trying to hook up with somebody this weekend. Also, the fact that we both obviously love Doctor Who probably doesn’t hurt.”
She leans in to whisper to me again.
”Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea. Since neither one of us actually wants to be here, and there’s still like an hour to go, why don’t we pretend that we really hit it off, and leave the room together right now!”
There’s a spark in her eyes as she says this, and my natural shyness rears its ugly head. ”But what about what everyone else will think about us?” I whisper back.
”Who cares!? At least we’ll get out of here. Plus, it’ll get your friends and my friends off of our backs.” She says with a mischievous grin.
I furrow my brow, and think about it, but as the moderator calls out the thirty second warning, I make my choice. ”Alright, I’m in!”
At this point, Alice grabs a hold of my hand, and we both get up from our seats. She starts dragging me along, as I quote the most recent episode of Doctor Who, the part where Clara grabs The Doctor by the hand and runs upstairs, ”No, no, I do the hand grabbing. That’s my job. That’s always me!”
We can hear loud cheers and clapping coming from the room behind us as we spill out into the hall.
”Well, that was unexpected,” I say as I release her hand and adjust my tweed jacket.
”Your bow tie, it’s a bit crooked,” she says as she reaches up and adjusts it for me.
”Thanks. Hey listen, I know that both of us said that we weren’t looking for love, but in the short time that I’ve known you…”
”All of three minutes, about.”
”Well, probably four by now, but in the short time since we’ve met, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d like to give being friends a go. How about it?”
Alice gives me an almost sly smile, ”You’re not nearly as slick as you think. But yeah, I think I’d like to get to know you better as well, as friends, of course.”
”That goes without saying! Hey, there’s that Doctor Who panel coming up in ten minutes. If we head up now, we might still be able to make it.”
”Are you asking me to be your companion, Doctor?”
”I guess I am.”
”Well, there’s only one thing I can say to that, and that’s GERONIMO!”
”GERONIMO!” I respond with a smile.
With that, we make our way towards the escalators, hoping to get up to the sixth floor in time for the Doctor Who Panel.
Airing Friday, March 22
Depeche Mode’s “Spacewalker” plays as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background in big, bold blue letters. The screen transitions to a close up shot of Biggs, who appears to be outside. He’s clad in a dark blue overcoat, with a teal scarf and gloves, with a Seattle Mariners baseball cap on his head.
”Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, welcome to the #1 Web Show on APW.com, Biggs’ First Contact. I am, of course, your Mom’s favorite wrestler, none other than the man who will face Level-One in two nights at RassleMania IX, I am Biggs! Now if you’ll excuse me for dispensing of the normal formalities, I want to get right into my match with Lester Only at RassleMania, IX.”
“Now Lester, a lot of folks have been saying that this match is 18 months in the making, dating back to Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at Test for the Best, where I pinned you to win the APW Undisputed Championship. To date, it’s been my one and only run with the title, and as you so eloquently pointed out, I wasn’t even able to successfully defend it once. But our match this Sunday, Lester, it’s not about titles, it’s not about bragging rights, heck, it isn’t even about that Billion Dollar Briefcase you’ve held since Thanksgiving. I made that clear enough on Overdrive when I left you battered and bloody, with your briefcase still laid out beside you. If I had to sum this match up in just one word, that word would be history.”
“Because ever since I’ve gotten to APW, there has been one man, and one man alone whom everyone, and I mean everyone, has held up in the highest of regards professionally, and that’s you, Lester. You’re the only man to have held the APW Undisputed Championship a record breaking four times, for a total of 539 days. Nobody else has even come close. Even if your supposed buddy, Terry Marvin, does manage to make it to Shockwave as the champion, thus holding the belt for a year, he’ll still be 174 days short of you overall. You can honestly make the claim that you are the greatest champion in APW history, and it wouldn’t be hyperbole. When you criticize me for looking up to you early in my APW career, you have to realize how short you’re selling yourself! Any competitor who doesn’t hope to have the kind of sustained success you maintained from 2009 to 2011 would be crazy! Any competitor worth his salt would be right to look up to you!”
“But the key word there, Lester, of course, is would. Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, Lester, this business isn’t about what have you done, but what have you done lately. You may criticize me all you like for the fact that I only held the title for a little over a month, but the fact of the matter is that it’s been 1 year, 8 months, and 19 days since you last held the Undisputed Championship, or 628 days since you’ve held the big gold belt. “
“Now considering the fact that you’ve had the Billion Dollar Briefcase in your possession for 120 days, actually, 113 days considering the week I held it, but for over four months, you’ve had the opportunity to challenge for the belt at any time you’ve wanted, and yet, you’ve been too afraid to pull the trigger.”
“Of course, you’re not man enough to admit that you are indeed afraid.”
“No, you’re going to make some bull-honkey excuse about how I’ve had your number, and about how you can’t challenge for the title until you defeat me first. But that’s like me saying I have to learn how to tie my shoes before I can chew bubble gum! Sure, both are in and of themselves good things. Any time you can beat that one guy, that one man that you just can’t seem to defeat, well, it’s something special. But defeating me and challenging Terry Marvin, or soon, C.J. Gates, for the APW Undisputed Championship, those two things don’t depend on one another. You have the Billion Dollar Briefcase. You have your Undisputed Championship Shot in your back pocket. If anyone in this match-up needs to win for their title aspirations, it’s me, not you!”
“Because unlike you, Lester, I need to earn my next title shot. I don’t have the luxury of picking and choosing my spot. I have to go out there to that ring, and win matches. I can’t do what you’ve been doing for the last year and eight months, relying on my reputation to get by!”
“That’s right, Lester. I said it! You’ve been on cruise control for the last 628 days! You whine, and moan, and complain about the fact that you haven’t been given the APW Undisputed Championship, but like it or not, Level-One, it’s nobody’s fault but your own!”
“You had your chance inside the Elimination Chamber. You came up short! You had the #1 Contender’s Match with C.J. Gates at Christmas Chaos. He won that match, not you, meaning that he’s gets to Main Event RassleMania in just two nights. Granted, I came up short myself against Terry Marvin, keeping me out of the Main Event as well. But you also could have been in the Main Event had you chosen to cash your briefcase in at any time between Christmas Chaos and now! Because had you beaten your ‘buddy’ Terry, you’d be facing C.J. Gates instead of me on the grandest stage of them all.”
“But this brings me back to my point that you’ve taken what you believe to be the path of least resistance, that you’ve taken the easy way out, namely me.”
“Because by facing me instead of challenging Terry Marvin for the Undisputed Championship, you get to keep your reputation intact. Because you’re not sure if you can defeat Terry Marvin with the Title on the line. Heck, you’re not even sure if you want to fight Terry Marvin with the Title on the line!”
“You’ve gotten so content, so comfortable with being his little lap dog that you can’t even hope to be your own man anymore! That is why you’ve settled for mediocrity for 1 year, 8 months, and 19 days. That is why you are a shell of your former self. You lack courage, you lack conviction. And I’m going to tell you the truth right now, Level-One, even if you manage to defeat me inside Hell-in-a-Cell, even if you manage to pick up that elusive victory over me at RassleMania IX, you’re still going to have to answer the question of whether you still have what it takes to be the man here in APW!”
“But I don’t intend on giving you the opportunity to ask that question, Lester, because I fully intend on walking into Toronto, your home town, whether you like to claim or not, and leave with my arm raised in victory!”
“I know this won’t be an easy task, but nothing worth having ever is. I know that when we step into that 30 square foot wide, 20 foot high steel prison, I am in for the fight of my life. We both have something prove, we both believe that we have something to earn. For me, it’s a chance at future glory, for you, its redemption. I know that both of us are going to be bringing everything we’ve got in order to leave Toronto the victor.”
“I also know that when I step inside Hell-in-a-Cell, I’ll be entering unknown territory. Believe it or not, Lester, this is my first ever Hell-in-a-Cell match! And despite my expertise in Steel Cage matches, a match type that I have never lost in my career in over 12 matches, I know that one of the main strategies in a Steel Cage match, that making your opportunity to escape, does not apply to Hell-in-a-Cell. Nobody can get in, it’s extremely hard to get out, and the match does not end if we end up outside the Cell.”
“However, I also know one thing that does carry over, Lester, and that’s using the structure as a weapon! And if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s how to utilize my environment to my advantage! You don’t go 12 and 0 in Steel Cage matches without that skill. Even at Survive & Conquer, I used the Cell to deliver a Bigg Time to you on the ramp! You may think that by picking a match that you have experience in and I don’t, that it’ll somehow give you a big advantage, well, you couldn’t be more dead wrong!”
“So long as there is a wrestling ring inside that Cell, I know that I’ll be fine. Because I know what I’m doing inside that ring. And I’m smart enough to have an idea or two of what I’ll need to do to survive both you and Cell. This won’t be the first time we’ve been locked inside a giant steel structure. Just six months ago, you and I were involved inside the Elimination Chamber! That thing is even bigger than the Cell! And I think we all remember how well I thrived in that environment. I outlasted you, didn’t I?”
Biggs flashes his trademark smirk.
”Lester, you and I both know that we’re incredibly skilled wrestlers, that we’re well conditioned, excellent athletes. We also know that we’re in for a long, drawn out fight. We’re both too prideful, too stubborn for our match to go anything but long! You’re going to have to try to kill me to beat me, not that I doubt that you’d hesitate to do that, because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t let a little thing like a man’s life stand between your way and victory.”
“And considering how you’ve made it your goal to make my life a living hell ever since I came back from injury, I don’t doubt it for a second. Sure, we could chalk it up to your big man bluster like everything else you’ve said, but when I look into your eyes, Level-One, despite how misguided and wrong you are, I know that in your heart of hearts, you feel that you have to absolutely destroy me to get your career back on track. You feel that you have no option other than to put me out to pasture.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that you think so highly of me, Lester, that you put so much importance on little ol’ me. But as much as you think I’m as obsessed with you as you are obviously obsessed with me, that is simply not the case. Sure, I want to win, I want to beat you, but I don’t go around telling folks that I can’t get on with my career without a victory over you! By placing such an importance on me, a premium on a victory over me, Level-One, whether you like it or not, you have given me power over you. You have given me an advantage.”
“Because so long as I continue to defeat you, as I’ve done pretty much every time we’ve met since we fought on July 3rd, 2011, you won’t be able to move on. If you truly believe in your heart that you can’t cash in your Billion Dollar Briefcase until you defeat me in a match, then it’ll be a long time before you become Champion again! Because at RassleMania, I will not let you walk over me! I will not lie down for you! You cannot, you will not pin me in that ring! Because I’m simply too gosh darn stubborn to go down without the fight of my life!”
“Because if you’re serious about not cashing in that briefcase until you beat me, knowing you, after I beat you at RassleMania, you’re going to challenge me to a match at Mayhem. And when I beat you at Mayhem, you’ll challenge me to a match at Test for the Best. So on, and so forth, until we get to RassleMania X, where I’ll beat you again!”
“You think that you’re dodging a bullet by avoiding a fight with Terry Marvin over the Undisputed Title! You think that you’re in for an easy fight because I myself haven’t won the big one in longer than I would care to admit! You’re dead wrong, Lester! Dead freakin’ wrong!”
“I may be your safety blanket, I may be the monkey on your back, but I’m also going to be the man who defeats you in two nights inside the match that you picked, Hell-in-a-Cell! I’ve gone back and watched your match against Pence Weatherlight inside the Cell at One Night in Hell 2009. I’ve gone back and watched every match in which you’ve won or defended the APW Undisputed Championship, including our match at Test for the Best 2011. And one thing is clear, Lester, one thing stands out like the sorest of sore thumbs, and that is that you are not the man you once were! The Level-One that I’m stepping inside the Cell with in two nights is not the same Level-One who in the 827 days from March 29th, 2009 until July 3rd, 2011 held the title for 65 percent of the days in that timeframe. You’re not the same Level-One who Main Evented three RassleManias in a row!”
“You are no longer the trendsetter; you’re no longer the top dog! Instead, excuse my language, but you are Terry Marvin’s b****!”
“Let me repeat that for emphasis, you are Terry Marvin’s b****!”
“I don’t care how great you’ve been in the past, Level-One, I don’t care how much you hurt me inside the Cell. Heck, I don’t care if you beat me. Until you decide to be man enough to stand on your own, rather than hiding under Terry’s skirt, rather than being at his beck & call, then there is no way that I could even hope to have any respect for you. Because how can you respect somebody who doesn’t respect himself?”
“And really, that’s what our match in two nights really comes down to, isn’t it, Level-One?”
“Respect.”
“You do not respect me. I know as much because of all the dirty tricks, all the cheap shots you’ve launched at me over the past six months. I know as much because of the way you talk about me, questioning my skill and ability because of my supposed inconsistence. But if there’s one thing I’ve been consistent in, Lester, it’s this. When I fight you, I win. And RassleMania IX won’t be any different.”
“But even if you do pick up the win, Lester, even if you are able to beat me in the match of your choosing, you still won’t be respected. You still won’t deserve respect. No matter how this match goes, Level-One, you will come out the loser. Because even if you manage to beat me down to the point to where you can get the three count, at least I’ll still be able to hold my head high, as a real man who stands up for himself and what he believes in. Even if you manage to get your arm raised in victory at Mania, Lester, you’ll still be Terry Marvin’s b****.”
“I’ll be honest, Lester, I hope you man up in the two days between now and RassleMania. I hope you grow a backbone. But most of all, I hope you come to RassleMania, ready to lay it all on the line for nothing more than respect!”
“It’s not about titles! It’s not about briefcases! It’s about two men, who absolutely despise each other, who want nothing more than to find out who the better man truly is!”
“Maybe you’re right about me being inconsistent. Maybe you’re right about the fact that my resume just doesn’t stack up to yours. Sure, I’m the only three time Overdrive Champion in APW history, and yes, I haven’t had the sustained success in the Main Event level that you have had in the past. But in this business, you know as well as I do, Level-One, that you only have to be better than your opponent for three seconds!”
“And let’s be honest here, Lester, in the recent history between you and me, I’ve been on the better end of that three seconds more often than not!”
“In just two nights, Lester, it will only take three seconds for me to prove that you cannot beat me. Not anymore, at least.”
“Because how can you hope to beat me when you’re constantly beating yourself?”
“See you in two nights…”
The show fades to black as “Spacewalker” plays again.
Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, Washington
The Washington State Convention Center is abuzz thanks the annual Emerald City Comic Con, a convention I make sure to never miss. It’s not nearly as big as the one in San Diego, nor are there ever any huge reveals by any of the big comic companies, but it’s in my home town, and it’s always a good time. Seeing all the cool costumes, perusing the merchants’ tables, and getting to take part in exclusive play tests, it just rocks. I’ve already seen about three dozen different Doctor Who costumes, not including the one I’m wearing myself!
I’m attending with my two good friends, “Sr. Guapo” Armando Asante and “Stunning” Stan Everdeen. Stan is dressed in a Batman T-Shirt and blue jeans, while Sr. Guapo is wearing a costume he created himself. It’s sea green with yellow trunks and a big yellow A on the chest. He calls himself “Sr. Asombroso,” or Mr. Amazing in English, yet it looks like he’s inadvertently made himself an Ace costume, of the Ambiguously Gay Duo. He’s gotten a ton of compliments about it, as well as a few snickers, yet Stan and I haven’t had the heart to tell him why he’s getting so much attention.
And yet despite the fact that we’re having a bit of fun at Armando’s expense, today may potentially mark the first time I’ve had a negative experience at the Con, thanks to the fact that my friends, have signed me up for Sci-Fi Speed Dating, without my knowledge. Granted, they signed themselves up too, but still, I’ve never been a fan of the whole speed dating thing. Heck, I haven’t been too big on dating either, as I’ve only ever been on a date with one woman, that being my ex-wife, Ellie.
”I can’t believe you guys signed me up for this. This is probably one of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever done, and considering all the hair-brained things you two have done, that’s saying something!”
”So you’re saying it’s ridiculous that we want to help our amigo find himself a sexy lady? Listen, Biggs, we’ve seen how lonely you’ve been, how sad you’ve been since Ellie left you last August. You haven’t even been on uno date, UNO DATE, since then!” Sr. Guapo exclaims, the veins in his neck bulging a bit with how intense he is. He’s absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that I’ve gone since last August without a female companion. Not to say that Ellie was just a companion. She was my soul mate.
”Well, maybe it’s because I haven’t met anyone that I would consider going on a date with yet…”
”But you haven’t even looked, man! It’s been six months, man, you gotta move on.”
I hear what Stan is saying, but in my heart, I know I’m not ready to move on. I know that there’s no chance that Ellie and I could get back together, not after what happened between us. But even though I know it was my own darn fault that she left me, I’m still not ready to move on, and I know it.
”I don’t know, Stan. I don’t think I’m ready. In fact, I know I’m not…”
”C’mon, man, just give it a try. You might be surprised.”
Stan gives me a pat on the back, while Sr. Guapo points to the door.
”It’s starting, it’s starting! We got to go in now!”
”Fine, fine, fine. I’ll do it. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen…”
”You could fall in love!” Stan says with a sly grin.
”I highly doubt that…”
We rush into the room, where there’s to circles of chairs set up, facing each other, one inside the other. A quick scan of the room shows that there are twice as many men as women, and not to brag, but Stan, Armando, and I are easily the most physically attractive men in the room. Not that I care, because I’m just here to appease my friends, but I look to both of them, seeing Armando practically salivating at his chances, while Stan just pats me on the back.
”You know what, guys, I don’t think I’m needed here. I mean, look at all disparity in the numbers of men and women. I don’t want to be responsible for some other guy not having a chance at some nerdy girl action…”
I begin to make my way towards the door, but Sr. Guapo grabs me by the collar of my tweed jacket, preventing me from leaving.
”Oh no, mi amigo! You’re not getting out of this!”
There’s a portly fellow in an ill-fitting Star Trek costume, a red shirt no less, in the middle of the room, explaining the rules of Sci-Fi Speed Dating. I’m hardly paying attention, because quite frankly, I don’t want to be here right now. I do manage to catch that since there’s twice as many men as women, no surprise considering the desperation of this kind of crowd, that each man will take a break every two minutes. There’s some re-arranging of the chairs, and before long, we’re directed to take our seats, men on the outside, women on the inside. After every two minutes, the women will rotate to their next date. Thankfully, I get the first two minutes off, while Armando and Stan flank me on either side, each of them chatting up the respective women across from them. I can’t help but pick up the constant snickers and declarations of how brave Sr. Guapo is for wearing his costume, and chuckle to myself at how blissfully ignorant he is of it all.
As the event carries on, I meet a ton of gals, but none of them really have that great of an impression on me. In general, they’re all nice enough people, but none of them seem like people I’d like to pursue a friendship with, let alone a romantic relationship. There’s one gal in particular, who was perhaps just a bit too pudgy to be wearing the slave Leia costume she’s clad in, who stood out, but only because of how rude she is.
”So what do you do for a living?” I ask, trying to be polite.
”I work at as a janitor at the mall. You?” she replies with a snort.
”Well, I’m a professional wrestler, for Action Packed Wrestling. I actually have a big match at the end of this month…”
”YAWN! That’s stuffs fake, y’know! You can tell that you guys don’t really hit each other!”
”I can assure you that it’s hardly fake. We’re specially trained athletes…”
”Who have been taught how to fall! It’s so fake!”
By this point, I’m seething, but thankfully, her time is up, and she rotates over to Armando. The torture continues for about another half-an-hour until a short gal sits in front of me. She can’t be any taller than 5 foot 2, and she has mid-length dark brown hair surrounding her almost cherub-like face. She’s clad in a red dress, with black boots and a black belt. She has a Dalek plush in her right hand. I immediately recognize that she’s dressed as The Doctor’s current companion.
”Clara Oswin Oswald! What a brilliant costume! The Dalek is a great touch.”
She blushes a bit as she responds, ”Thank you. I must also compliment you on your Doctor costume. It’s probably the best I’ve seen all day, except for the hair. Your hair’s a bit too long.”
”Fair enough. I had a fez on earlier to try and hide it, but the darn thing just wouldn’t stay on.”
”Fezzes are cool,” she responds without missing a beat. ”My real name is Alice, by the way. What’s your name, Doctor?”
”Biggs, my name is Biggs. Oh sorry, that’s my ring name, it-it’s actually Gary.” I stammer a bit at my mistake.
”Ring name? Are you a fighter of some sort?” she asks inquisitively.
”Well yeah, I’m a professional wrestler. I wrestle for Action Packed Wrestling, one of the top feds in the world…”
”My brother watches that. I think I’ve seen you on the telly a time or two. Still, if you’re a big time wrestler, what are you doing here at Sci-Fi Speed Dating? I’d imagine a person who’s famous like you wouldn’t have any problem meeting people…”
”To tell you the truth, Alice, I’m just here because my friends signed me up. I went through a divorce about half a year ago, and quite frankly, I’m not ready to move on. I’m just here to support them.”
The look on Alice’s face tells me she knows exactly what I’m going through. At first, she has a pensive look on her face, but then, she kind of smirks, and leans in closer to whisper to me, ”Me too. My friends say that I need to move on, that Brian’s in my past, and that I need to start looking again, but I’m just not there yet.” She leans back up and talks at a normal volume. ”You know, it’s so refreshing to meet somebody as bluntly honest as you’ve been. Everyone else here is just obsessed with the fact that I happen to be a woman that’s also a geek, but for some reason, I’m getting a different vibe from you.”
”Well, it probably has to do with the fact that we’re probably the only two people in this room not trying to hook up with somebody this weekend. Also, the fact that we both obviously love Doctor Who probably doesn’t hurt.”
She leans in to whisper to me again.
”Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea. Since neither one of us actually wants to be here, and there’s still like an hour to go, why don’t we pretend that we really hit it off, and leave the room together right now!”
There’s a spark in her eyes as she says this, and my natural shyness rears its ugly head. ”But what about what everyone else will think about us?” I whisper back.
”Who cares!? At least we’ll get out of here. Plus, it’ll get your friends and my friends off of our backs.” She says with a mischievous grin.
I furrow my brow, and think about it, but as the moderator calls out the thirty second warning, I make my choice. ”Alright, I’m in!”
At this point, Alice grabs a hold of my hand, and we both get up from our seats. She starts dragging me along, as I quote the most recent episode of Doctor Who, the part where Clara grabs The Doctor by the hand and runs upstairs, ”No, no, I do the hand grabbing. That’s my job. That’s always me!”
We can hear loud cheers and clapping coming from the room behind us as we spill out into the hall.
”Well, that was unexpected,” I say as I release her hand and adjust my tweed jacket.
”Your bow tie, it’s a bit crooked,” she says as she reaches up and adjusts it for me.
”Thanks. Hey listen, I know that both of us said that we weren’t looking for love, but in the short time that I’ve known you…”
”All of three minutes, about.”
”Well, probably four by now, but in the short time since we’ve met, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d like to give being friends a go. How about it?”
Alice gives me an almost sly smile, ”You’re not nearly as slick as you think. But yeah, I think I’d like to get to know you better as well, as friends, of course.”
”That goes without saying! Hey, there’s that Doctor Who panel coming up in ten minutes. If we head up now, we might still be able to make it.”
”Are you asking me to be your companion, Doctor?”
”I guess I am.”
”Well, there’s only one thing I can say to that, and that’s GERONIMO!”
”GERONIMO!” I respond with a smile.
With that, we make our way towards the escalators, hoping to get up to the sixth floor in time for the Doctor Who Panel.
***
Airing Friday, March 22
Depeche Mode’s “Spacewalker” plays as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background in big, bold blue letters. The screen transitions to a close up shot of Biggs, who appears to be outside. He’s clad in a dark blue overcoat, with a teal scarf and gloves, with a Seattle Mariners baseball cap on his head.
”Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, welcome to the #1 Web Show on APW.com, Biggs’ First Contact. I am, of course, your Mom’s favorite wrestler, none other than the man who will face Level-One in two nights at RassleMania IX, I am Biggs! Now if you’ll excuse me for dispensing of the normal formalities, I want to get right into my match with Lester Only at RassleMania, IX.”
“Now Lester, a lot of folks have been saying that this match is 18 months in the making, dating back to Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at Test for the Best, where I pinned you to win the APW Undisputed Championship. To date, it’s been my one and only run with the title, and as you so eloquently pointed out, I wasn’t even able to successfully defend it once. But our match this Sunday, Lester, it’s not about titles, it’s not about bragging rights, heck, it isn’t even about that Billion Dollar Briefcase you’ve held since Thanksgiving. I made that clear enough on Overdrive when I left you battered and bloody, with your briefcase still laid out beside you. If I had to sum this match up in just one word, that word would be history.”
“Because ever since I’ve gotten to APW, there has been one man, and one man alone whom everyone, and I mean everyone, has held up in the highest of regards professionally, and that’s you, Lester. You’re the only man to have held the APW Undisputed Championship a record breaking four times, for a total of 539 days. Nobody else has even come close. Even if your supposed buddy, Terry Marvin, does manage to make it to Shockwave as the champion, thus holding the belt for a year, he’ll still be 174 days short of you overall. You can honestly make the claim that you are the greatest champion in APW history, and it wouldn’t be hyperbole. When you criticize me for looking up to you early in my APW career, you have to realize how short you’re selling yourself! Any competitor who doesn’t hope to have the kind of sustained success you maintained from 2009 to 2011 would be crazy! Any competitor worth his salt would be right to look up to you!”
“But the key word there, Lester, of course, is would. Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, Lester, this business isn’t about what have you done, but what have you done lately. You may criticize me all you like for the fact that I only held the title for a little over a month, but the fact of the matter is that it’s been 1 year, 8 months, and 19 days since you last held the Undisputed Championship, or 628 days since you’ve held the big gold belt. “
“Now considering the fact that you’ve had the Billion Dollar Briefcase in your possession for 120 days, actually, 113 days considering the week I held it, but for over four months, you’ve had the opportunity to challenge for the belt at any time you’ve wanted, and yet, you’ve been too afraid to pull the trigger.”
“Of course, you’re not man enough to admit that you are indeed afraid.”
“No, you’re going to make some bull-honkey excuse about how I’ve had your number, and about how you can’t challenge for the title until you defeat me first. But that’s like me saying I have to learn how to tie my shoes before I can chew bubble gum! Sure, both are in and of themselves good things. Any time you can beat that one guy, that one man that you just can’t seem to defeat, well, it’s something special. But defeating me and challenging Terry Marvin, or soon, C.J. Gates, for the APW Undisputed Championship, those two things don’t depend on one another. You have the Billion Dollar Briefcase. You have your Undisputed Championship Shot in your back pocket. If anyone in this match-up needs to win for their title aspirations, it’s me, not you!”
“Because unlike you, Lester, I need to earn my next title shot. I don’t have the luxury of picking and choosing my spot. I have to go out there to that ring, and win matches. I can’t do what you’ve been doing for the last year and eight months, relying on my reputation to get by!”
“That’s right, Lester. I said it! You’ve been on cruise control for the last 628 days! You whine, and moan, and complain about the fact that you haven’t been given the APW Undisputed Championship, but like it or not, Level-One, it’s nobody’s fault but your own!”
“You had your chance inside the Elimination Chamber. You came up short! You had the #1 Contender’s Match with C.J. Gates at Christmas Chaos. He won that match, not you, meaning that he’s gets to Main Event RassleMania in just two nights. Granted, I came up short myself against Terry Marvin, keeping me out of the Main Event as well. But you also could have been in the Main Event had you chosen to cash your briefcase in at any time between Christmas Chaos and now! Because had you beaten your ‘buddy’ Terry, you’d be facing C.J. Gates instead of me on the grandest stage of them all.”
“But this brings me back to my point that you’ve taken what you believe to be the path of least resistance, that you’ve taken the easy way out, namely me.”
“Because by facing me instead of challenging Terry Marvin for the Undisputed Championship, you get to keep your reputation intact. Because you’re not sure if you can defeat Terry Marvin with the Title on the line. Heck, you’re not even sure if you want to fight Terry Marvin with the Title on the line!”
“You’ve gotten so content, so comfortable with being his little lap dog that you can’t even hope to be your own man anymore! That is why you’ve settled for mediocrity for 1 year, 8 months, and 19 days. That is why you are a shell of your former self. You lack courage, you lack conviction. And I’m going to tell you the truth right now, Level-One, even if you manage to defeat me inside Hell-in-a-Cell, even if you manage to pick up that elusive victory over me at RassleMania IX, you’re still going to have to answer the question of whether you still have what it takes to be the man here in APW!”
“But I don’t intend on giving you the opportunity to ask that question, Lester, because I fully intend on walking into Toronto, your home town, whether you like to claim or not, and leave with my arm raised in victory!”
“I know this won’t be an easy task, but nothing worth having ever is. I know that when we step into that 30 square foot wide, 20 foot high steel prison, I am in for the fight of my life. We both have something prove, we both believe that we have something to earn. For me, it’s a chance at future glory, for you, its redemption. I know that both of us are going to be bringing everything we’ve got in order to leave Toronto the victor.”
“I also know that when I step inside Hell-in-a-Cell, I’ll be entering unknown territory. Believe it or not, Lester, this is my first ever Hell-in-a-Cell match! And despite my expertise in Steel Cage matches, a match type that I have never lost in my career in over 12 matches, I know that one of the main strategies in a Steel Cage match, that making your opportunity to escape, does not apply to Hell-in-a-Cell. Nobody can get in, it’s extremely hard to get out, and the match does not end if we end up outside the Cell.”
“However, I also know one thing that does carry over, Lester, and that’s using the structure as a weapon! And if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s how to utilize my environment to my advantage! You don’t go 12 and 0 in Steel Cage matches without that skill. Even at Survive & Conquer, I used the Cell to deliver a Bigg Time to you on the ramp! You may think that by picking a match that you have experience in and I don’t, that it’ll somehow give you a big advantage, well, you couldn’t be more dead wrong!”
“So long as there is a wrestling ring inside that Cell, I know that I’ll be fine. Because I know what I’m doing inside that ring. And I’m smart enough to have an idea or two of what I’ll need to do to survive both you and Cell. This won’t be the first time we’ve been locked inside a giant steel structure. Just six months ago, you and I were involved inside the Elimination Chamber! That thing is even bigger than the Cell! And I think we all remember how well I thrived in that environment. I outlasted you, didn’t I?”
Biggs flashes his trademark smirk.
”Lester, you and I both know that we’re incredibly skilled wrestlers, that we’re well conditioned, excellent athletes. We also know that we’re in for a long, drawn out fight. We’re both too prideful, too stubborn for our match to go anything but long! You’re going to have to try to kill me to beat me, not that I doubt that you’d hesitate to do that, because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t let a little thing like a man’s life stand between your way and victory.”
“And considering how you’ve made it your goal to make my life a living hell ever since I came back from injury, I don’t doubt it for a second. Sure, we could chalk it up to your big man bluster like everything else you’ve said, but when I look into your eyes, Level-One, despite how misguided and wrong you are, I know that in your heart of hearts, you feel that you have to absolutely destroy me to get your career back on track. You feel that you have no option other than to put me out to pasture.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that you think so highly of me, Lester, that you put so much importance on little ol’ me. But as much as you think I’m as obsessed with you as you are obviously obsessed with me, that is simply not the case. Sure, I want to win, I want to beat you, but I don’t go around telling folks that I can’t get on with my career without a victory over you! By placing such an importance on me, a premium on a victory over me, Level-One, whether you like it or not, you have given me power over you. You have given me an advantage.”
“Because so long as I continue to defeat you, as I’ve done pretty much every time we’ve met since we fought on July 3rd, 2011, you won’t be able to move on. If you truly believe in your heart that you can’t cash in your Billion Dollar Briefcase until you defeat me in a match, then it’ll be a long time before you become Champion again! Because at RassleMania, I will not let you walk over me! I will not lie down for you! You cannot, you will not pin me in that ring! Because I’m simply too gosh darn stubborn to go down without the fight of my life!”
“Because if you’re serious about not cashing in that briefcase until you beat me, knowing you, after I beat you at RassleMania, you’re going to challenge me to a match at Mayhem. And when I beat you at Mayhem, you’ll challenge me to a match at Test for the Best. So on, and so forth, until we get to RassleMania X, where I’ll beat you again!”
“You think that you’re dodging a bullet by avoiding a fight with Terry Marvin over the Undisputed Title! You think that you’re in for an easy fight because I myself haven’t won the big one in longer than I would care to admit! You’re dead wrong, Lester! Dead freakin’ wrong!”
“I may be your safety blanket, I may be the monkey on your back, but I’m also going to be the man who defeats you in two nights inside the match that you picked, Hell-in-a-Cell! I’ve gone back and watched your match against Pence Weatherlight inside the Cell at One Night in Hell 2009. I’ve gone back and watched every match in which you’ve won or defended the APW Undisputed Championship, including our match at Test for the Best 2011. And one thing is clear, Lester, one thing stands out like the sorest of sore thumbs, and that is that you are not the man you once were! The Level-One that I’m stepping inside the Cell with in two nights is not the same Level-One who in the 827 days from March 29th, 2009 until July 3rd, 2011 held the title for 65 percent of the days in that timeframe. You’re not the same Level-One who Main Evented three RassleManias in a row!”
“You are no longer the trendsetter; you’re no longer the top dog! Instead, excuse my language, but you are Terry Marvin’s b****!”
“Let me repeat that for emphasis, you are Terry Marvin’s b****!”
“I don’t care how great you’ve been in the past, Level-One, I don’t care how much you hurt me inside the Cell. Heck, I don’t care if you beat me. Until you decide to be man enough to stand on your own, rather than hiding under Terry’s skirt, rather than being at his beck & call, then there is no way that I could even hope to have any respect for you. Because how can you respect somebody who doesn’t respect himself?”
“And really, that’s what our match in two nights really comes down to, isn’t it, Level-One?”
“Respect.”
“You do not respect me. I know as much because of all the dirty tricks, all the cheap shots you’ve launched at me over the past six months. I know as much because of the way you talk about me, questioning my skill and ability because of my supposed inconsistence. But if there’s one thing I’ve been consistent in, Lester, it’s this. When I fight you, I win. And RassleMania IX won’t be any different.”
“But even if you do pick up the win, Lester, even if you are able to beat me in the match of your choosing, you still won’t be respected. You still won’t deserve respect. No matter how this match goes, Level-One, you will come out the loser. Because even if you manage to beat me down to the point to where you can get the three count, at least I’ll still be able to hold my head high, as a real man who stands up for himself and what he believes in. Even if you manage to get your arm raised in victory at Mania, Lester, you’ll still be Terry Marvin’s b****.”
“I’ll be honest, Lester, I hope you man up in the two days between now and RassleMania. I hope you grow a backbone. But most of all, I hope you come to RassleMania, ready to lay it all on the line for nothing more than respect!”
“It’s not about titles! It’s not about briefcases! It’s about two men, who absolutely despise each other, who want nothing more than to find out who the better man truly is!”
“Maybe you’re right about me being inconsistent. Maybe you’re right about the fact that my resume just doesn’t stack up to yours. Sure, I’m the only three time Overdrive Champion in APW history, and yes, I haven’t had the sustained success in the Main Event level that you have had in the past. But in this business, you know as well as I do, Level-One, that you only have to be better than your opponent for three seconds!”
“And let’s be honest here, Lester, in the recent history between you and me, I’ve been on the better end of that three seconds more often than not!”
“In just two nights, Lester, it will only take three seconds for me to prove that you cannot beat me. Not anymore, at least.”
“Because how can you hope to beat me when you’re constantly beating yourself?”
“See you in two nights…”
The show fades to black as “Spacewalker” plays again.
