In Cubanus Papa Surgit

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
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Episode 40- "In Cubanus Papa Surgit"

You look in pain, Deli.

It is but a flesh wound. Delikado will be back in fighting form in no time flat! FACT!

The scene opens with Delikado in a complete body cast, and I do mean COMPLETE as in from head to his tippy toes. He’s in a hospital bed, and at his side is his apprentice Jimmy Gooch who has just arrived.

Jimmy Gooch: My Dad said he’d come by later. Gots him some last minute business before we go up to Panama. Guess it’s a shame you won’t be there for—

Boss Delikado: Hold up now, Jimmy boy. From the sound of your tone and the general rumors, you’d think Delikado was beaten to within an inch of his life, thrown into a coffin, and blown the eff up in an awesome bonfire from Hell! You’d think Delikado was supposed to DIE from that. Silly, silly, Jimmy. Everyone knows them MMA boys is weak, all trickery, an act! They ain’t got SHIT on my wrestling swag! You write that note down and mail it to Blanderson “I talk funneh” Snivela. Delikado would, but, uh, he has a WICKED papercut right now that just makes writing a nuisance that cannot be addressed on account of such…"nuancing".

Jimmy: Oh, gotcha. Well, uh, you want something to ease your pain? Help you sleep a little, maybe?

The head portion of Delikado’s bodycast crinkles as it shifts awkwardly from side-to-side.

Boss Delikado: Delikado might normally contend with such delicious meds, but you see, my young student, Delikado has been keeping himself focused away from the pain through his vision of another seemingly dream-like reality that is soon to become a reality. In FACT! it’s good you showed up when you did, before Delikado geared up and got out of this hospital to make his own way to Panama with the rest of the APW crew. For you see, Jimmy, Delikado’s mind and focus and in…CREDIBLE resilience and perseverance have got him pristine in mind as he prepares to fly to Panama and become the APW World Heavyweight Champion. This week. Might as well be right now, cuz I got the plan. See, in these few days I been lounging here, banging nurses and getting free TV and pudding just for being awesome, Delikado’s started to think, really think, that maybe, just maybe…it’s time to go a new way. A new path. I got the agenda all written up…in here.

The cast on his right arm and hand tries to shift up the point to the Cuban’s head, but he is unable to pull off the stunt. The young Gooch is unsure what to make of the Cuban’s strange(r) manner of speaking, but he looks curious to listen in.

Jimmy: Cool. What is it?

Boss Delikado: Take a guess. Delikado wants to pick your brain, see if you started thinking and picking up the lessons he done taught you since you entered under his wing-like leadership.

Jimmy: Uhhh…You’re gonna fight that politician Callahan and you’re gonna win? Take that World Heavyweight Championship?

Delikado laughs through the mouth-hole in his cast, to the point the vibrations make him look like a bouncing marshmallow. Or a tampon.

Boss Delikado: Heheh. Strange. You think if Terry Marvin hadn’t run off when he did to Asylum, possibly in an attempt to escape Delikado’s hunger and rattle his mind on Overdrive, that Delikado wouldn’t have captured that belt instead? That Undisputed Title? Some people seem to think that belt holds a grander quality to it than the Heavyweight after all, figure a lot more recognition can come of the Bawse who holds it. You think Delikado coulda used his Rasslemania momentum to conquer Showtime himself if he were still among us?

Jimmy: I dunno, Deli. I really don’t know.

Delikado groans softly through his cast-mask.

Boss Delikado: Sit on Delikado’s leg, Jimmy. It itches, and my papercut just won’t let me bend to scratch.

Jimmy snickers and sits on Delikado’s cast-covered leg, electing a satisfied groan from the Cuban.

Boss Delikado: Ahhhh, yeaaaah…Now put a little wiggle in it.

Jimmy does a double-take.

Boss Delikado: Hey c’mon, it’s only weird unless you’re a sixteen year old GIRL. Then it’s weird and hot, but don’t go blabbing your yap. Your teacher demands, now wax on!

Jimmy shakes atop Delikado’s leg and the Cuban sighs comfortably.

Boss Delikado: Thanks, Jimmy. You get an “8” on your report card today, or whatever they hand out to kids on their report cards these days. But anyway, my itchiness aside, it’s back to the bigger questions:

Delikado rolls his head toward Jimmy.

Boss Delikado: Does Delikado dance with the politician in the hope to assassinate him in his recent election to Champion, or do I John Hinckley Jr. it up and just wound him, making our Fox News supporting wrestling peer look good with his survival and continued reign of World Heavyweight prominence? After all, if he can take the Cuban Missile directly and come out a winner nonetheless, the polls will smile in his favor for ages to come.

Jimmy: Well, uh, if you can make it to Panama City in time, close to 100%, I don’t see how you can’t endanger Callahan’s reign. My Dad trained me some as well as you, not all Champions can make it past the pressure of a first title defense.

Boss Delikado: Delikado would not know that inability of success on his first go-round, but he understands the sentimental baloney your daddy speaks of. But…ahhhh…but you see, now Delikado’s gotten to where he’s embracing a new thinking since his run-in with Shane’s boyfriend/bodyguard at Rasslemania IX; a newfound philosophy, that this battle with Callahan, it’s meant to be. It’s fate. That I, Delikado, am among the living and most powerful after toppling that mighty UFC whatchamacallit, is truly a sight to behold, and the greatest proof that Delikado is a gift to the entire wrestling world. And Callahan is such foil to that. He is a scourge, dare Deli, a CLOSET DEMOCRAT!

Jimmy: *gasp*

Boss Delikado: Delikado knows, he gasped too when he began to a-ponder! But maybe that wouldn’t normally be so bad, because while being a Democrat is a stupid, crying baby bitch problem, it’s a tough job and a sacrifice that SOMEONE has to make, unless we reintroduce the Whigs to society. In a different path, perhaps if he were still on Asylum with his Heavyweight belt, and I were here toppling Marvin on Overdrive for his Undisputed title, we could be friends, we could work together in this APW Renaissance. But last night as Delikado’s papercut ripped into him some kinda hellfire viciousness, and he still lived and planned—OH THERE WERE IDEAS AND THOUGHTS--he lied here in this bed with his sexy nurse “playmates”, Delikado began to foreswore all the other thoughts of the past, and he knew that this pain wasn’t just from a papercut he got in the process of fighting off that Silva devil.

No, no, while my physical pain was the greatest ever experienced by a human and some dolphins, it was very much also an agony in his SOUL, Delikado’s very real, very, very deep, very, very, very independent and beautiful soul, Jimmy boy. It was then, right there as his young nurse-intern lied there bug-eyed at the amazing and hot thrashing Delikado gave her behind, that Delikado realized he could not, in all true form, antagonize Callahan for doing his duty any more than, say, American Idol antagonizes the ideal of good television broadcasting.

Jimmy: Sooooo…you’re American Idol?

Boss Delikado: That’s right! We both struggle, and some would dictate both me and American Idol are past our prime and ready for the cancellation. But as Rasslemania and my survival will show you, unlike American Idol, Delikado is on the path to salvation. Greatness and everlasting mercy instilled in his soul, thanks to…well, you know. You’re Southern.

Jimmy: ……God?

Boss Delikado: Yes, Delikado has found the Lord, Jimmy boy! I can do evil no more, for Callahan’s standing before Deli has shown him that there is a greater, far superior wickedness and falseness in this company. Delikado does dare say that Callahan is the Bawse of Bawses, and that there is no compliment. He could put Terry Marvin into an early grave, this “American Hero”, and this battle is Delikado’s long-awaited wakeup call. The Wrestling Devil himself, who I long thought I’d sworn my soul to in return for eternal longevity in the bedroom and the ability to speak beautiful words to the masses following my career, is actually put his bets into the corner of Michael Callahan, hence why he stood so tall at Rasslemania against Keaton Saint and why he of ALL people has come to this particular Overdrive!

Jimmy: There’s more than one Overdrive?

Boss Delikado: Shh, you’re “SPOILER”ing! Understand this revelation Delikado speaks to you, Jimmy, and realize that if the Wrestling Devil is working through Michael Callahan, then by the process of elimination, the Wrestling God must be backing ME, and every Bible-thumper on the History Channel will tell you that God always outmatches the Devil! That evil one is working his magic through that Heavyweight belt, either weakening souls for the slaughter, or corrupting souls who will enact said slaughter on said weakened. But me, I, Delikado, have a chance, because I am reborn; I have survived the dangers of Rasslemania, my papercut being the battle scar to prove it, and that is only further proof that the Wrestling God has blessed this in…CREDIBLE body with divineness the likes of which no other in APW can even DREAM of wielding. The G-Man is a fan of Mister Cuba! He WANTS Delikado to liberate the Heavyweight title, for only in my hands—

Delikado cracks his casted hands up and shakes them as mightily as possible, toward Jimmy for extra emphasis.

Boss Delikado: Can the Wrestling Devil be run out of the Heavyweight belt. Only through the labor of my hands and my boot to his vile mouth can Callahan know his wrongness, understand it, and begin the path to redemption. It took the good Lord a long time, I imagine all these years Delikado’s been in action running the game as he pleased at the expense of all others, but he FINALLY got my attention. And so Panama’s Overdrive will see Delikado undertake a new path, as he frees that blessed belt from the grip of Badness and transforms it into the tool that will spread the message! Now Delikado does confess he does not yet know what that message will be, or how exactly the Heavyweight title will be playing the role it has been baptized toward in my hands, but Delikado has….hope.

He accepts.

For once, Delikado can pronounce that there is faith in his heart.

Delikado no longer needs to know everything immediately, and he no longer needs to hunt out for his own selfish reasons the answers, for in time they will come. They will come as the Wrestling God sees fit. For now, the answer sees Delikado helping Michael Callahan and guiding his malevolence to the side of Goodness. That much has been relayed to me in my stinging papercut and through the threesome Delikado had undertaken in his darkest hour just before the new dawn faded in. Take Delikado’s hand now, Jimmy, and look in his eyes as you receive the message to profess out to the APW populace, wrestlers, staff, fans, and all else:

The tips of Delikado’s fingers wiggle from the top of his casted hand toward young Jimmy, who slowly reaches out and takes his “reborn” teacher’s hand. Delikado, through a fire in his eyes that is not scorching hot, but warm and almost peaceful, looks up to Jimmy Gooch as he speaks gently yet powerfully.

Peace, not BAWSEness, rules this heart and body now. Boss Delikado has been laid to rest. I am reborn, in the eyes of the Wrestling God, as Pope Delikado XXX[/i]. [/color]

The newly re-titled Pope Delikado bows his head to Jimmy and smiles through his cast.

Pope Delikado XXX: Now go and relay the word to our soon-to-be-purified friend Michael Callahan, and let him know his struggles as World Heavyweight Champion under that Wrestling Devil’s weight shall soon be washed away in the tide of Goodness like a desolate mountain of pain in the oceans of pristineness.

Jimmy smiles as the APW’s first “Pope” reels his head back down to his hospital pillow and gets comfortable.

Pope Delikado XXX: If you would please take your leave now, Jimmy boy, Delikado must begin the healing process for his papercut, and any last vices must be shaken off from his old soul. You feel me?

Jimmy nods and pats his teacher reassuringly on the shoulder before leaving the room. Delikado, despite his full body cast, proceeds to push a call button and a few moments later two 20-something, rather revealing, bodacious brunette nurses walk into the room. They speak in a unified, almost porn-star seductive voice.

Nurses: What can we help you with, Delikado?

Pope Delikado XXX: I have some wood that I need one of you lovelies to handle right quick.

The hotties smile as they step forward, just as Delikado pulls out his wood…en cross. With some struggles, he is able to pass the cross on to one of them.

Pope Delikado XXX: Delikado would like it engraved. Something…political. For a friend.

Nurse #1: How about “Vote or Die”?

Pope Delikado XXX: Delikado likes your initiative, but let’s try something more peaceful like. Something like “Vote or Die…With Wrestling God. Smiley-face.” It should actually say “Smiley-face” F-to-Y-I-I-I.

Nurse #2: Cool.

Pope Delikado XXX: And make it out to Delikado’s friend: Michael Joshua Callahan.

The nurses examine the simple wooden cross and start to leave, when Delikado sits up on his bed.

Pope Delikado XXX: Whoa, hold on…

The two girls turn to Delikado as he eyeballs them curiously, before breaking out in a grin.

Pope Delikado XXX: That’s not for you to do until AFTER our “trinity”…

Nurse #1: What?

Pope Delikado XXX: We’re having sex.

Nurse #2: Oohhhhh, I thought he was talking about Neptune’s pointy-staff thingy.

Pope Delikado XXX: No, that’s…nevermind. Just make your way over here, you lovely divas, and Delikado shall bless you…LIKE A—wait for it—POPE!

The nurses giggle and begin to unbutton their tops as they walk over to Delikado, ready to “do the deed” with him despite his full-body cast. The Cuban sighs in reflection as he rests his head on his pillowcase.

Pope Delikado XXX: The Holy Land is real, and it is before me! In pairs! Hallelujah!

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

3 Days Later[/u]

An alarm buzzes and a door opens, revealing the newly-crowned Overdrive Champion Evan Envi in street clothes. He walks down the hospital hall and moves toward an open door leading to a courtyard when a large, muscular security guard moves toward him. Evan shows off his visitor’s pass, though the guard still appears somewhat distrustful of Evan, simply for his appearance and general aura.

Guard: Watch yourself out there, little man. Got a Cuban out there who’s a straight nutjob.

Evan just smiles as he adjusts the title belt around his waist in a showy display of attention.

Evan Envi: What a coincidence, that’s JUST the person I was looking for!

He smiles almost smugly at the guard before entering the courtyard. Across a reflection pond we see Delikado, now only slightly-bandaged, sitting on a bench speaking with a fellow patient. The patient, a rather twitchy fellow, breaks eye contact from Delikado’s lecture and leaps up upon seeing Evan.

Patient: BROWNIES!!!

And just like that he runs toward Evan, only to fall face-first into the pond. He goes unconscious, and while the nurses and security run out to aid the oddball patient, Evan sits down on the bench with Delikado.

Envi: Hope I wasn’t interrupting something of yours, Deli.

Pope Delikado XXX: Why no, Evan, Delikado was just trying to convert Buggsy there to the side of Goodness in our APW. See he’s a Republican, which I got no problem with, but see he’s a “Michael Callahan Republican” if you know what I mean, and that just seemed like something Delikado should tend to in his spare time and efforts while he finishes the healing of his own status. Was about to make a breakthrough actually, bring one more over to our side, but now Buggsy’s drowning in three feet of water on account of your frightening Champion glory, which gives me nothing to do, so there’s that, but Delikado does digress. Why are you here, my little brother in arms? Delikado is most interested.

Envi: Oh, just checking in with the other half of Envikado. Feel like I haven’t seen you in a while, and now you’ve earned yourself a World Heavyweight title shot.

Pope Delikado XXX: Speaking of which, am I allowed to look into your Overdrive title belt for a second? It has been so long since we were last in the company of one another.

Envi smirks and unbuckles his title belt. He passes it off to Delikado, who admires himself in the belt’s recently shined sheen and laughs fondly.

Pope Delikado XXX: Still as beautiful as ever. You are a lucky man, Evan Envi. Not to mention crafty. Even with the curse of rabies and the vengeful desire to put him away for bestowing them upon me, Delikado was never able to defeat Mark Mania to keep this belt. Don’t let this one go, you hear?

Delikado passes the Overdrive title back to Evan before folding his arms and leaning back casually.

Pope Delikado XXX: But yes, before Delikado decided to embrace the nostalgia of foaming at the mouth, to address your point, Delikado is finally back in the title game. This is a matter of which you will support me, yes? From one Overdrive Champion of old to one Overdrive Champion of new, the path to Delikado liberating the Heavyweight title from that under-analyzed villainous one, Michael Call-a-han, an ubiquitous approach is to be had between us?

Evan cocks an eyebrow at first before Delikado smiles at him.

Pope Delikado XXX: The bathroom doesn’t keep anything but a dictionary in it; Delikado’s taken up looking it over and learned that word, “ubiquitous”. It means everywhere, always present, meaning “Delikado can count on our “Envikado” union to back him up should the good Wrestling Lord secure a future with the belt in my hands?”

Envi: Ha, I know what it means.

Delikado chuckles at his friend’s response and then scratches his goatee curiously.

Pope Delikado XXX: So if worse comes to worse and blood is spilled unnecessarily, you will do the necessary thing and do your fair share? Delikado don’t got to survey you with 20 Questions now that you’re Overdrive Champion? That belt DOES have a habit of changing people.

Envi: Let’s not worry about my belt, Deli. Let’s worry about getting gold around YOUR waist again, THEN maybe we can look to getting Tag Team gold around the waists of this team. Sound good? Deli like the sound of some gold on the Envikado name, huh? C’mon, killer!

Evan laughs and jokingly shoves his friend as Delikado laughs himself and then gradually calms down.

Pope Delikado XXX: Well Delikado guesses he’ll chat it out with Jimmy’s day Buck and—

Envi: Hey, fuck that fat redneck. And his stupid partner. As far as you and I should be concerned, that title shot and to a greater extent those titles belong to us. We’re the REAL APW, like you’ve always said, man. It’s getting to be high time we cash in on that, how you like to put it, FACT!

Delikado is initially a little put-off by the rather aggressive comment by his tag team partner, especially in regards to how he blasts the father of Delikado’s apprentice, but Mister Cuba shakes the look off with a smile.

Pope Delikado XXX: You keep a brother focused, Evan. If it ain’t already your time, it will be in the months to come. Now Callahan—

Envi: Don’t put a name to that prick holding your title. It gets to the point it can throw you off your game. Trust me, by the end of it, I didn’t even look at Mania as a person. He might as well have been a dummy set up at the shooting range. No face, no personality, no reason to spare him the bullet, everything you’ve got. That “politician” that Republican or Republican elephant or whatever, he might’ve had some good ideas, ideas that worked on Asylum, but this is Overdrive, the top show, with the best talent. We’re not a bunch of assholes impressed by a guy in a suit who can only PLAY the politician because he couldn’t make it in real world politics. You’re one of elite here, Deli, one of the best this brand has, and Callahan’s regarded as one of the best things to come out of Asylum AND APW. You need to outdo him this week, make him a paper champion, start off his Overdrive career as a living nightmare. Spare no expense, and I know you won’t because you’re you, but I’ll tell you what you should do. You shoot that “elephant” with both barrels, and you rip the tusks, the World Heavyweight title, right off his face.

Pope Delikado XXX: That…is a beautiful mind you possess, and they say it is a terrible thing to waste. As Psalm 34:5 put it, “Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” No self-respecting champion or future champion should look upon your words, Envi brother, and feel ashamed.

Envi: Ha, listen to you spouting scripture. You must REALLY be bored around here. I’ll look into getting you back to APW where you’re needed. Cool?

Evan holds out his hand to Delikado. The Cuban clasps Evan’s hand in response and the Overdrive champion gets up. He only takes a few steps.

Pope Delikado XXX: Evan. One last little thing. Two, actually.

Evan turns, and when he does, Delikado tosses him the wooden cross his nurses engraved for Callahan.

Pope Delikado XXX: Apparently Delikado’s last shred of ‘Bawseness’ got two lovely ladies stripped of their positions in the hospital. Not to mention their clothes. Turns out they couldn’t get this out to Callahan for me. Would you…?

Evan reads the cross’s “Vote or Die…With Wrestling God. Smiley-face” message, and though confused to a great extent, he nonetheless pockets the memento.

Envi: You beautiful son of a bitch! Mind-games. I love ‘em. And what was the other thing…?

Pope Delikado XXX: Your sister, Sienna. If you truly have Delikado’s back on the path ahead, you can rest assured that if you need ANY assistance in knocking your sibling down a peg, you’d be surprised how many loose lips Delikado can create in a prayer circle. Catch Deli’s drift…?

Evan stares at his Cuban adversary for several seconds in silence before inhaling and exhaling heavily. The scene fades out before we go any further.

--Delikado Audio Interview, Part 25, Section 5--

Twice the merit exists in the threads of my bootlaces than in the nameplate of the belt the Wrestling Devil set upon your back. For Callahan the Republican, our unofficial APW Presidential figure, takes it simple and easy; the Cuban reborn bears papercuts and a soul of viceroy and vinegar that is shaped into a more humble, holy representative of the forces above our great business. Not even two weeks into your reign and you already carry the World Heavyweight Champion on your back as falsely as the hare wears the tortoise’s shell in the race on his back; the Wrestling Lord will see to it Delikado endures every reality, every trial, when the belt is liberated. You romp about this new House with your flashy insignia and party line; Delikado defends it with hard hands, harder feet, and the strength of a resurrected soul burning brighter than anything you’ve ever witnessed before.

Michael Callahan, you are 99% wickedness destined for doom if your turbulence carries on, and you are 1% World Heavyweight Champion. This week…as the weapon of the Wrestling Lord, Delikado will make you 100% the former.[/font][/size]